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The silence of the car was enough to deafen Keith. He rested his head on the window,
watching
the tumbling hills pass by.
He glimpsed Lance’s reflection in the window. Keith wasn’t sure why he wasn’t the one driving. It was his car.
Then again, he had no idea where they were going.
The sudden sound of static jolted him away from his thoughts as Lance flipped through the stations.
“What are you doing?” Keith questioned as Lance continued his search through the never ending static.
“Just trying to find something to listen to, the silence is killing me.” Keith opened the glove compartment and pulled out some of his father’s old cassette tapes. He reached towards the cassette player before Lance swatted away his hand.
“What’re you doing?” Lance questioned.
“I’m putting music on for you,” Keith stated as he continued to feed the cassette to the music player. He froze and turned his head as Lance scoffed. “What?”
“I’m not listening to your crappy, emo music. Some of us already went through our teen angst faze.” Lance landed on a station that was playing Taylor Swift. “Besides- what loser listens to cassettes?” Keith remained silent for a moment longer as Lance’s words hit him like knives. “My father.” Not even the radio could break the newfound tension that hung in the air. Keith watched as Lance tried to find the words to say. What was he supposed to say, there was nothing he could say. So Lance said nothing. Instead, he plugged his phone into the aux cord without a word. Keith heard the words of of loss and love drifted through the air. “In The Garden” jerked at Keith’s emotions. He sat there, silence engulfing him.
“I remembered.” Were the only words Lance said.
—————————————————————
“Are you okay?” A worried Keith sat next to Lance. He turned his head and wiped at the tears that streamed down his face. A ghost of a smile hung from Lane’s lips.
“Yeah, don’t stress it.” Lance shrugged his shoulders and nestled his head into his knees once again. Keith sat there. Still as stone. He had never been good with cheering people up. But Lance needed him right now.
So Keith did the only thing that came to mind.
He sang “In The Garden”. The childhood song had always been one that confronted him, and he hoped it wo uld have the same effect the same for Lance.
“Let’s go in the garden,” his voice was hoarse, but he didn’t care how humiliating it was for him. He wanted the cheery Cuban boy he had grown to know so well. “You’ll find something waiting, right there where you left it.” Keith froze, stopping the song abruptly . Lance’s arms were wrapped around him, the tears leaving a trail of tears down Keith’s shoulder. He didn’t bother singing anymore. Instead he held Lance.
“How do you know that song?” Lance mumbled into Keith’s shoulder. He smiled and shook his head.
“It always makes me feel better.”
—————————————————————
Keith gave a small smile as he listened to the calming song. He glanced at Lance driving, the blue paladin smiled as he hummed the tune of the song.
“Lying upside down.” Keith sat up at the sound of the melodic sound that belong to the shorter boy beside him. “When you finally find it, you’ll see how it’s faded. The underside is lighter when you turn it upside down.” Keith smiled as he gazed at Lance. His ocean eyes seemed to glow as he sang. Lance froze as a beeping sound rang out through the car. His eyes frantically glanced around the console.
“We’ve been in the car for 20 fucking minutes- did you already break it already?” Keith growled towards Lance. He watched as the shorter boy scrambled to find the cause of the alarming noise.
“ I - I don’t know !” A wave of relief washes over Lance as his eyes are cast around their surroundings. “ T he fuel tank is empty. I just have to find a gas station.”
“ I thought I told you to fill it before we left.” Lance rolled his eyes and continued down the dusty, desert road. After some fleeting minutes of silence, Keith watched as Lance pulled the vehicle into a small, deserted gas station.
“I’ll fuel up while you pay?” Lance said as he unbuckled himself from the seat to stretch his legs. Keith grumbled under his breath and dragged his feet inside the old, run down convenience store. He smiled at the old man behind the counter before weaving himself through the rows of aisles of the store. There wasn’t much selection other than air filled chip bags, and those hard to chew candies. Keith was never much of a sweets fan. But as he walked along the wall of refrigerators in the back, he spotted a lone tub of vanilla ice cream.
He plucked the Hagendaz container from the shelf and walked over to the counter. The old man behind the counter smiled and ran the ice cream container over the scanner. “Anything else?” The man asked and bagged the container.
“Yeah- a tank of fuel, please… Dave.” Keith read the name tag and pulled out his wallet. The man gave a puzzled look before Keith gestured out the window. “My partner’s filling up the tank .” Dave gave a soft smile and chuckle.
“I remember when my wife and I took our trip up these parts. It’s where I proposed.” Dave gave a wink and gestured towards desert hills and cliffs. “You and your boyfriend should pitch a tent up there. It’s the most romantic place around here.” Keith froze at the word boyfriend. What was Dave talking about? And that’s when his own words finally sunk in, he sighed at his stupidity.
“ Actually , we’re not partners I’m not even-” Keith chuckled before he was cut off by Dave.
“It’s okay kiddo, never deny yourself.”
—————————————————————
“Never deny yourself.” krolia prodded the fire as she spoke. Keith was at a lost for word. So many emotions- sentences he had dreamed of saying when he met her. But all they did now was sit on the tip of his tongue. What do you say to your estranged, alien mother who left you to prevent world destruction? It was an oddly specific situation.
“What do you mean?” Keith asked, throwing another stick for the pup who eagerly chased it. He turned around and sat on the small bench in front of the fire. Krolia chuckled and sat beside her son.
“My son,” She started. “I may not have been there for your first words. But I am here to witness your first love.” Keith looked away and crossed his arms.
“I’m not in love.” Krolia chuckled and shook her head. Silence ensued. What was Keith supposed to say? He wouldn’t just tell her. What if she doesn't understand?
“Regardless of who you love, I’ll always love you more. You’re my son.” Krolia hugged Keith tight. “Nothing- and I mean nothing, will take you away from me again.”
—————————————————————
Keith gave a soft smile and nodded. He handed over the money for the fuel and ice cream before heading towards the exit. Just as he opened the door, he heard Dave call out to him.
“You can’t hide forever.” Keith gave a sigh and cast his gaze towards the ground. Lance honked the horn at him, jolting Keith from his thoughts. He glanced up at the car and towards Lance’s waving figure.
“What took you so long?” Keith scurried to the car, placing the frozen treat in the cupholder. He looked towards Lance, his eyes stayed locked on the blue paladin. “Dude? What’s your problem?” Lance asked when he noticed Keith’s lingering gaze. The Galran shook his head and sighed. He mumbled out a silent nothing and stared back off into the plane of nothingness.
Slowly , his eyes seemed to become heavier, as if being pulled down by weights. Without another thought, he drifted into the sweet arms of sleep.
—————————————————————
“I’m sorry…” Keith looked back at Krolia. She awkwardly gripped at her elbows. Almost as if she had somehow failed at crossing her arms. Keith didn’t need a reason, he knew why she was apologizing. He knew why now, he knew what for.
He didn’t know if he could forgive her.
“You were just a child,” The crack in her voice made Keith flinch. “I wasn’t about to let them come after your home or you or-” He could n’t control the words that poured out of his mouth next.
“You were my world!” He heard the echo of his booming voice bounce around the air for, before he brought the volume down to a whisper. “You were my world- you and Dad, and you both just left me.” The venom and pain dripped off of each word as he turned around, not knowing if he could look at Krolia much longer.
“I’m sorry.”
—————————————————————
“I’m sorry,” the sound of Lance’s voice awoke -” Keith drifting through the air. He glanced towards the shorter boy and gave a questioning look . “I think I broke the car.” Keith bolted up in panic.
“What the fuck Lance!?” He heard it then, the small annoying beeping sound. He sighed and got out. “Pop the hood for me.” He walked around to the front of the car. Although he did not understand what the hell he was doing, it didn’t stop him from pretending. As he hit pipes with a screwdriver, he heard the sudden stop of the beeping. He slowly backed away as if one wrong step could set off a series of events to destroy the car.
“Wait!” Lance climbed out of the car and pointed behind Keith. “Look!”
“Lance,” Keith sighed. “It’s a mountain.” Irregardless of what Keith said, Lance insisted he take a photograph.
“Fine,” Keith groaned. “I have an old polaroid camera in the back- just a second.” Keith popped the trunk and grabbed at a small box. He opened it, revealing photographs and memories, and pulled out the camera. Closing it up, he gently laid it back in the trunk.
Lance made Keith take at least 5 pictures, it was hell.
“I love these!” Lance exclaimed as the two sat on the hood of the car, letting the photographs dry. “They’re perfect- oh. Here, burn this one. I hate it.”
Lance’s fosses one of the photographs towards Keith. He slid off the car and climbed in behind the wheel. Keith looked at the picture.
Lance was clutching his stomach as he was bent over laughing. The photo made him look like an angel. Keith slipped the photo into his pant pocket.
By the time he sat back down on that hot fabric seat, the car was running again. He gave himself a small victory smile and went to grab at the ice cream. It was melted. Keith sighed and placed the lid back on the container, that was a waste of money. He reached towards Lance’s phone to switch on the music. He searched through Lance’s playlists until he landed on one he liked. He pressed the shuffle button and smiled.
“If there’s a prize for rotten judgment, I guess I’ve already won that. No man is worth the aggravation-” He whipped his head towards and continued. “That’s ancient history, been there done that.” Lance smiled at him and belt out the next lyrics. “ Who d'you think you're kidding, he's the earth and heaven to you. Try to keep it hidden, honey we can see right through you.” Keith laughed out as the two continued their reenactment of the stupid disney songs.
Keith could’t help as his gaze once again landed on Lance. His mind drifted through a cloud of hope that someday, he would have the guts to tell Lance. He shook his head from the daydreams of his future.
A few songs later, they spotted a familiar face on the side of the road.
“Hey,” Lance said. “Isn’t that James?” Keith cast his eyes towards car pulled onto the side of the road. He grit his teeth and rolled his eyes as Lance pulled the car behind Jame’s. The two boys exited the car and walked towards the cocky brunette.
“Want some help?” Lance asked as he gestured to the car. James smiled and nodded, giving Lance a small thanks. Keith rolled his eyes and decided to go for a walk, just to stretch his legs. He kicked at the sand, remembering the words James had used years before. He was so absorbed with his thoughts, he didn’t even notice as the boy approached him.
“I’m sorry.” His words made Keith jump ten feet in the air. He turned to face him, startled. “The things I said- that I did.. We were just kids.” James sighed and glanced at the ground. Keith’s face was just too painful to look at. “That’s no excuse, but I’m sorry for the way I hurt you.” Keith heard as Lance attempted to jump start the car.
“What difference does it make.” Keith grumbled and shoved his hands into his pockets. What was done, was done. There was no reason to apologize years later. James rubbed his neck and sighed.
“I heard what you guys went through up there… I’m sorry.” Keith shook his head in a dismissive manner. He gave a small chuckle and narrowed his eyes, glaring holes into James
“What am I supposed to do with that?”
“Pardon?”
“Just because you feel bad for me, because you think you’re obligated to apologize, doesn’t mean I want the apology.” Keith cast James a glare. “You don’t mean it. You just want yourself to feel less guilty- and that’s fine. But don’t drag me in, cause I don’t want a half assed apology from you for making me hate myself.”
—————————————————————
Keith stood off to the side of the crowd, even as a middle schooler, his hatred for socialization was strong. He watched as james and his classmates all flew the simulator. It didn’t necessarily look hard- not harder than anything he’s done before. He remembered when his dad used to take him driving, and the way he’d hurl the truck out of the path of danger.
“How about him?” Mr. Shirogane’s voice brought him back to reality. “I’d like to see him try.” Keith can’t even remember James’ response to that, he just remembers becoming so full of rage and spite, that he just had to do it.
He weaved around boulder after boulder, dodging anything that could cause potential harm. Though it was only a simulator, if felt real to Keith.
James’ mocking voice also felt real.
And his teachers disapproval.
And everyone’s resentment towards him.
His hatred toward himself.
It was all so real.
—————————————————————
“Hey,” James growled out. “If I didn’t want to apologize I wouldn’t.” His balled fists gently relaxed at his side as he ground his teeth. “I’m trying to be a better person, so don’t be an ass.”
Keith sighed and ran his hands through his hair, he could feel the sweat from the blistering heat tracing his forehead.
“I’m sorry, I just… I guess I’ve just been on edge.” Keith mumbled. James gave a cocked eyebrow before his attention was directed towards the sound of his car jump starting. “Thank you,” James smiled as he made his way towards Lance. Keith followed swiftly behind. After a few more moments of mindless discussion, Lance headed towards their own car. Just as Keith was about to follow suit, James grabbed his arm. “Hey,” he nodded towards Lance. “Good luck.” With a small wink he let Keith go and walked over to his own car. Keith’s stunned silence almost blocked off the sound of Lance’s shrill voice piercing the air as he slowly walked to the car.
“Keith! Let’s go!”
The ride was silent as Keith and Lance passed the tumbling hills of the desert. The words of James and the old cashier rung in his head like a warning, the silence becoming companionship.
“I’m gay.” He froze as the words tumbled from his lips and Lance gave him a cocked eyebrow. He wasn’t afraid of what Lance thought, he had no shame and nothing to hide.
He was afraid, however, that his feeling for Lance would be mutual. In a sense, and in a hypothetical scenario, it would be a blissful moment.
But love and trust were terrifying.
And in Keith’s experiences, never lasted.
“I don’t really care,” Lance replies as he shot keith a wink. “As long as you flirt with me.”
The embarrassment Keith felt was- for lack of better words- excruciating.
—————————————————————
“Ah ! dis-moi donc bergère,
À qui sont ces moutons ?
- Eh ! par ma foi, monsieur,
À ceux qui les gardions.
Et tralala déridérette,
Et tra déronla !”
A childlike Keith sat upon his father's lap as he clapped along to the song. He may not have understood the words, but he loved it nonetheless.
“Daddy,” Keith stopped his father’s singing as a grim face wiped over the child. “Did mommy teach you that song?”
Mr. Kogane sighed and put Keith down on the floor. He stood up and tugged at the edges of his hair, contemplating what to do.
“Keith, we’re not doing this again. Go get ready for bed.” Keith attempted to let the useless excuses wash over his tongue, but it was of no use. He wandered through the hall of the small dessert house.
It wasn’t until a week later that Keith’s father stopped him in the middle of the grocery store to apologize. Keith May have been young and he may have not understood a good portion of what his father said. But he saw how much he loved krolia. How her absence was slowly killing him from the inside out.
And Keith knew, that love could kill.
—————————————————————
Even as a child Keith always had problems with communication and emotions, but even through his silence and hidden face, Lance knew he was hiding something. Had it not been for the sudden halt of the car, he would have pestered the galran. The sharpshooter let a string of curses fall from his mouth as he slammed his hands against the steering wheel.
This caught the attention of Keith, who quickly came to reality to calm Lance down. After moments of soothing words, the two stepped out of the car and peered into the engine.
“I’ll call AA, see what they can do. I’m hopeless with cars,” Lance looked at Keith for a lingering moment of question.
“Oh- oh! No, I mean I can fix a bike or a spaceship or even just a plane, but I never really bothered to learn about cars.” And with that, Lance pulled aside to talk to the roadside assistance.
Keith swore under his breath as thunder roared above him, making him jump. He may have been some almighty leader, but even the thunder terrified him. He took some steady, deep breathes, attempting to calm his jittery nerves.
“
Ah ! dis-moi donc bergère,
À qui sont ces moutons?”
He whispered to himself in an attempt to calm down.
Keith paced the dry sand as he debated what to do. Lance knew Keith liked guys, but was he aware that he also like the Blue pilot? Almost every but Lance himself knew- it was only a matter of time.
As the seconds passed his footfalls became heavier and faster, in sync with his heartbeat. He scrambled over to the back of the car and plucked out a box. He opened it up and put the picture from earlier he had stored away in his pocket. He put the box to the side of the trunk and took some deep breaths.
This wasn’t okay, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. None of it was supposed to be like this.
As Lance came back, he noticed the panic across Keith’s face.
“Hey, you okay? What happened?” Shit, Keith internally swore. Lance couldn’t see him like this what would he think?
“Fuck off,” Keith batted Lance’s hand away. “I’m fine, just go back to whatever the hell you were doing.”
“Dude, I'm just trying to be a good friend. No need to be a douche.” Keith growled at Lance under his breath as he repeated the phrase again;
“Fuck. Off. You wouldn’t understand shit anyways.”
Lance rolled his eyes at Keith and crossed his arms, resembling a pissed off soccer mom. “Try me, Bitch.”
Keith gave a dry chuckle and finally looked at Lance, it was at this point that the Cuban boy finally saw Keith’s tears pooled in his eyes, on the verge of breaking over. “You have no idea what I’ve endured! You’re just- you’re so lucky, everything is fine for you!”
“How can you possibly understand my pain?” Lance shouted back. The thunder that shook the sky began crying down on them. It must have been luck for keith because his own tears had started to make their way down his face. Keith growled and fisted his hands as lance continued. “You know nothing of me- what I’ve been through!” Lance’s hands swung around as he talked. Keith watched as he got closer and closer to the car- or more specifically, the box. The memories stored in the dry safety of the box that rested on top of the trunk. “I thought you’d understand, but you’re just like everyone else!” That’s when it happened. T he world seemed to take a momentary break from moving , and i n the seeming stillness of the moment, Keith could see it all laid out. The panic that suddenly replaced the anger on Lance’s face, the box as it stood still in the air with the latch coming undone. He watched as years of memories and pain and his last connections tumbled from their safety and drifted through the wind, becoming soaked with water. And just as suddenly as it came, the motion of the world returned. Keith lunged forward in an attempt to rescue his clutch on the happy memories.
But it was too late.
He sat there, defeated as the pain seeped in. He choked back a sob and balled his fists. Within seconds, his hands gripped the collar of Lance’s shirt as his yellow eyes stared the smaller boy down.
“You have a living family,” he spat through clenched teeth. “You have friends, and a house, and love. I have a dead father, a long gone mother, and the resentment of half the people I know because I’m alien. So yes, I’m pissed off, and angry, and sad, because this guy I like just destroyed the last memories I had of my fucking fam-“ the words became frozen in Keith’s mouth as he realized the words he said. He quickly let go of Lance and mumbled out apology after apology.
Frozen with both terror and realisation, Lance didn’t move as Keith made his way further down the road. Kicking the small pebbles that lined the road, and letting the rain pour down on him, Keith let out a shaky breath. How could he possibly fix this? He turned his head to the side and furiously wiped at his tears as he heard the pounding of Lance dashing towards him.
“We need to talk,” Lance placed a hand on Keith’s shoulder. “Keith, I-“
“Save it.” Keith grumbled. “Just forget that happened okay? I can’t deal with a rejection from you after everything that happened.”
“And what makes you think I’d reject you?” Lance scoffed, crossing his arms and giving Keith a sly smirk.
God, he hated and loved that face at the same time.
“Because,” He spat, narrowing his eyes and grinding his teeth. “You’re an arrogant, egotistical, straight, asshole, jerk face, smartassed-“ Keith never did get to finish his insult.
Because just as soon as his anger arose, it was replaced with surprised. Lance had fisted his shirt and crashed their lips together.
It was a messy, rough, and clumsy kiss. No fireworks went off, sparks didn’t fly, and his stomach didn’t fill with butterflies- and yet. Keith thought it was perfect.
“You never would’ve shut up, mullet.” Keith opened his eyes as their lips parted and stared at the smaller boy. “C’mon, roadside will be here soon. Let’s go in the car, I hate the rain.”