Archive of Our Own

"For the troubled souls that are listening to my segment today, I hope that you are holding on. Those who got their hearts broken, those who had a fight with their loved ones, or for those brave ones that ended something that has been suffocating them, I dedicate to you a song from NELL, our classic favourite, ‘Time Spent Walking Through Memories’.

It’s completely fine to be sad, it’s okay to think of the past memories, listen to this song, cry with it and may your tomorrows be brighter than today. 

We will continue after this commercial break…”

Thud. Minhyun leaned to his left, causing his head to lightly tap the window. Cold. Today was colder than usual.

I still hear the sound of you

I still feel your hand

Even today, I live in the traces of you

I still see your figure

I still feel your warmth

Even today, I live in the time of you...

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“Are you not going to do anything?”

Minhyun looked up from his vocal sheet and found Daehwi’s inquisitive stare. The younger one had his chin held up by a hand, as he was resting against the couch in Dongho’s studio. He was slightly relaxed now that the student/inspiring producer was on his break (probably dousing himself with coffee shots somewhere).

“Do what?” Minhyun asked.

Daehwi remained still for a few moment, scrutinising Minhyun. It made the older one conscious somehow, like in second year back in high school, when his Chemistry teacher agonised him for not being able to answer a simple equation problem.

“Sungwoon hyung,” was Daehwi’s immediate reply.

“What about him?” Minhyun asked again. He cut their eye contact to smooth out the paper in his hand and kept his gaze glued there. Surely Daehwi would have something to say about the entire catastrophe of a drama involving the three. Minhyun had expected this much. After all, he had taken a liking on Sungwoon ever since the senior was assigned to tutor him pre-admittance to the university.

“Well, they’re not together anymore.”

“Daehwi,” Minhyun stopped him from saying more, from raising his expectation. Because he knew how life works, and it would not happen as he wanted it to. Even if it would, Minhyun didn’t want to ruin what he’s trying to rebuild now. “It’s not as easy as that. Not as simple as that.”

“You’ve wasted—” Daehwi shrugged, “—I don’t know, how many years had it been, pining over him. Although you did not realise it back then, you do now, right hyung?”

Without a doubt, Minhyun knew it by now. But it was all too late. He had his chance, his time to prove his love to Sungwoon. To make him his. To be his. There was a period where he could make his fantasy, his dream turned to reality. However, it was all in the past.

“You’re denying your heart again.”

“He’s happy now.” Minhyun shook his head. It took Sungwoon days, weeks, months—to finally let the past taunt him no more. It goes without saying that he would not forget completely what had happened, but at least, he’s lighter in his heart now. Minhyun could see it, from the way the smile returns to Sungwoon’s face, how his eyes twinkle amazingly under the daylight, the moonlight. How sunshine literally lives within him.

Minhyun could not do that to Sungwoon again—making way for pointing fingers and loose mouths to hurt him.

“What are we talking about?” Dongho asked as he entered the room. The cigarette smell lingered on him and started stuffing the small studio with its foulness. Minhyun’s nose twitched in annoyance. Daehwi sighed, also thinking of the same thing. Before Minhyun, established best friend, could open his mouth to say something about Dongho’s nasty habit, Daehwi beat him on it.

“You stink,” Daehwi commented.

“Sorry,” Dongho apologised right away. 

Minhyun felt like he had suddenly peered into an intimate situation. Instead of leaving things sour and awkward, Dongho looked at Daehwi intently, hoping that he could get his feelings across. He had one of his hand on Daehwi’s thigh. “Sorry, I can’t help it today,” His voice was low, almost a whisper, “This song is stressing me out and I just had to.”

It was obvious that the small gesture and explanation did something to Daehwi. He looked down, still unsatisfied that Dongho was back to smoking, but he somehow understood. “Only one?” He asked.

Dongho winced. “Just two.”

“What’s up with you two?” Minhyun couldn’t help but ask.

“What’s wrong with us?” Dongho countered, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Why are you attacking me?” Minhyun rebutted. “Don’t make this a ‘me’ situation.”

“This was a ‘you’ situation from the start,” Daehwi backed up Dongho’s attack, “hyung,” He added a second tad late. “We were talking about hyung’s feelings for Sungwoon hyung.” Daehwi didn’t realise that he had said that. If he had not been too caught up in the moment, he’d know not to open the pandora box that would create a rift between him and his boyfriend.

Dongho frowned.

“Don’t give me that look, hyung,” Daehwi warned.

Again, Minhyun wished he wasn’t here to witness this. This was one of the reasons he didn’t like talking about this problem with his friends. They were bound to have different opinions and would debate on it. Daehwi was one of the strong supporters of ‘Go for It’ Team while Dongho had countlessly mentioned that he had not and would never encourage Minhyun’s feelings for Sungwoon.

“What do you have against Sungwoon hyung anyway?” Daehwi grumbled, almost whining.

‘That wasn’t a smart move, Lee Daehwi,’ Minhyun thought but he kept his lips sealed.

“I have nothing against Sungwoon hyung,” Dongho stressed out, “How many times do I have to say that? In fact, I respect him as a fellow vocalist. We are not on bad terms, we hang out sometimes.” It was almost cute how Dongho needed to explain this to Daehwi. What Minhyun had not expected were his next words, “After all, Sungwoon hyung’s one of your best persons. How could I hate someone who takes such good care of you?”  

“You mustn’t.” Daehwi emphasised again. “You have no idea how much he meant to me. And you, hyung,” The youngest of the three then looked at Minhyun, “I hate you so much when I found out about it, did you know? But then I come to realise that it was all because you love him that you resorted to such act. That did not cancel all those shit you put on Sungwoon hyung before, but I know you meant well. You love him so please show him that. Treat him nice please.”

“Daehwi,” Dongho tried again, “I’m sorry, babe, but because Minhyun loves him that he should not pursue Sungwoon hyung anymore.” He turned his stare to Minhyun and that look on his face brought Minhyun back to his friendship with Kang Dongho since almost ten years ago. They really came a long time.

Dongho continued, “I’m saying this as your friend. Don’t do this to yourself and Sungwoon hyung anymore. The feelings are still there, of course, but please, just… don’t do it. Move on. Move on to better relationships, better loves. You loved one another but this is no longer the case. What you had with hyung, that relationship, it was toxic and unhealthy. For years, it contributed nothing but pain and heartbreaks, to you and him, and the people around both of you. Don’t deny this.”

Daehwi remained quiet but it was evident in his face that he didn’t share the same sentiment.

“Baby,” Dongho called out. If they had not been in this situation, Minhyun would surely gag at the pet name. “You know, of all people, how it was to the both of them.”

“There’s no perfect relationship.” Daehwi said.

Dongho interrupted firmly, “Yes, that’s also true. But didn’t you see how the love had slowly poisoned the two of them. It planted self-doubt and hatred in them. That was not healthy. Sometimes, as much as we love something, if it’s not doing any good to us, we should let it go.”

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Dongho was right. For most of the parts, the relationship Minhyun had with Sungwoon was not perfect.

They had loved each other, intensely, but it was also dragging them down. Minhyun also had no idea how he could just lose himself when it comes to Sungwoon. He’d do things he normally would never thought of. He could not even admit and word out his feelings. What he had been feeling for the older man, albeit himself trying not to acknowledge them.

Lust.

It was evident as the blue sky that Sungwoon and Minhyun had found solace in each other’s bodies. The tension was always there, heightening, constantly reminding Minhyun that only he could do that to Sungwoon. Only he could incite those reactions from the vocal major. Only he could witness Sungwoon gasping, moaning, gazing back at him with those eyes, crying his name with that sinful lips, wrecking his sanity like how it was written in the stars.

Lust started it. Then came routine. It was easy to share a look, which eventually caused them both to stumble into the room, clothes and apparels discarded. Easy for them to get rid of each other’s layers—physically, emotionally, even mentally.

So easy to just share a kiss. To suck marks that would be hard to hide. To get lost in the poison that is an almost-relationship.

Jealousy.

Possessiveness.

After routine, came the delusional thoughts—that only I have the right to feel this way, that you’re supposed to be looking at only me like that.

Sungwoon and Minhyun—two men with pride as mighty as a lion’s. They’re both alphas in their own ways. Minhyun with his quiet personality, a strong anchor to the people around him. He’s nice, naturally and genuinely so, thus people are obviously attracted and charmed by him. They trust him. They like being around him. He’s nice. Nice. Nice to see, nice to be with, nice to befriend, but not a ‘nice’ lover apparently.

Sungwoon—loud and expressive—a senior that everyone looks up too. Confident with the full rights to be so since no one could really doubt him and his talents, him and his powerful connection. He’s the real deal, and even if you have something against him, you wouldn’t dare to question his talents, his words, his potential. Why? Because you’d end up fooling and making a clown out of yourself.

And Sungwoon could be all strong and reliable as people regard him as, but he’s only human. He has feelings, his own insecurities, sore spots that would make him lie on his back at nights, foregoing sleep. He knew that this thing with Minhyun, it wasn’t a definite road, that it would never be something real. If Minhyun could never be sure and confident about what they could’ve been, then how could he ever dream of it.

He knew where he stood. He knew he would never be a good partner to Minhyun. But he wanted it.

Once upon an unrequited love, he wanted it.

But unrequited is a wrong term. It was reciprocated, his feelings, albeit Minhyun’s personal reasons to deny it. Minhyun, in all those times they were involved with one another, had not even once try to make things work officially, properly. But he’s also, mere human; even cats and dogs are possessive with their territories, even kids dislike sharing their toys and their parents’ affection; similarly, Minhyun didn’t like seeing Sungwoon with another person.

And when Kang Daniel entered the scene, with his bright smile and persistent mindset, he came carrying an imaginary banner that says, ‘I Like Ha Sungwoon’. Something solid and real, he promised, he was not afraid of committing, he offered to Sungwoon.

Minhyun’s make-believe comfort cracked.

Sabotage.

When Sungwoon frequented his bed lesser, Minhyun knew, knew that his time was thinning.

Daniel was always around him these days, and when they all gathered with their mutual circle of friends, Minhyun recognised their teasing gazes, their obvious matchmaking schemes. He could see that Daniel had made his moves, continuously and persistently so, and Minhyun was nothing but ecstatic when it was his embrace that the older one would end up in at the end of the day.

“Why’re you here?” He asked one night. A night where most of the boys were out, clubbing, more like trying to take advantage of Sung Woo hyung’s bar. The older man, now just reaching his thirties, were behind the bar, trying to not panic over the demands of his younger friends.

Sungwoon looked at Minhyun and hummed back a question.

“I mean,” Minhyun pointed out, “Your lover boy is over there.” He was being all petty, he realised it but he was somehow honestly curious. Why was Sungwoon here when his place was over there, next to Daniel. After all, the older one had been spending very less time with him ever since the youngest of the three had entered the equation. For all the times he had avoided Minhyun, it was a given that he’d be confused that Sungwoon had chose to sit next to him.

“Not my lover,” Sungwoon replied simply. And he left it at that.

Minhyun’s brows rose up and he chuckled darkly. “Not yet?”

A sigh escaped from Sungwoon’s mouth. He palmed his head and rubbed it with his hands. “What are we doing?”

“What do you mean?” Minhyun asked back, guards all stacked up. His gaze flew towards Daniel, who was talking very animatedly with their other friends. There were a few strangers flocking them at the bar, the amount of men and women equal with various of enamoured expressions on as they tried to impress the Kang Daniel. Was that the reason why Sungwoon was here?

“Your lover boy is too busy with his fans? Is that why you’re here looking for me now?” He probably had too much to drink for his mouth to be this loose. He realised the implication and insensitiveness of his words a tad too late. Sungwoon was already sulking.

“I don’t know why I even try,” Sungwoon said.

“Make up your mind,” Minhyun said as Sungwoon got up from his seat, “Is it me or him?”

“Haven’t I made my decision clear all these times?” Sungwoon asked straightforwardly. “What have we been doing then? Do you think I’m just wasting my time?”

“You probably are.”

“What are you so afraid of?” Sungwoon asked him. His eyes were glistening and Minhyun looked away. He couldn’t bear to look at that face right now. “Why are you doing this to us?” Sungwoon pestered with another question. “Why can’t you see it?”

“Sungwoon,” A sigh. “Hyung,” Minhyun wasn’t a good drinker. He was already getting all dizzy and spiralling from just a small glass of soju. He hadn’t been thinking straight since he’d sat down a few moments ago. He wanted to…ruin stuff. He wanted to see provocation, any sort of confrontation to happen. For something big to blow up. He wanted to see how far would Ha Sungwoon go for him.

“I’m sick of this.”

Minhyun shut his eyes and dropped his head on the counter. “You said that, hyung, but the next thing we know, you’d be back in my bed.” They both knew the extent of the statement’s truth. It was most probably true, a spot-on prediction, and that silenced them both.

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Minhyun did not want to acknowledge that what they had was solely bad.

In the times they were together (somehow), Minhyun had learned a lot about Ha Sungwoon. That part, Minhyun would never regret or dare trade with other things. It was the best experience in his life, coming to know Sungwoon.

His beautiful face.

Beautiful voice.

Even more beautiful personality. His entire being is nothing but beauty itself.

It’s about time Minhyun forgot about him, but his memories kept piling up. The thoughts of Sungwoon continued to consume him. The wonders and mere fabrications of the phrase ‘what if’ haunted Minhyun’s nights, his days, his every minuscule moment in life.

Guess that he only knew how much everything had meant to him after everything had gone from bad to worse, and now it was getting to the worst part.

His mind was filled to the brim with Sungwoon, Sungwoon, Ha Sungwoon.

The way the older man laughed, how his dimple appeared as he sheepishly smiled when compliments were thrown over his way.

The fire in his eyes as he worked on his music, the whines and the grumbles he let out when things got a bit too frustrating for him, how he confided in Minhyun in his darkest days, how Minhyun could easily make things better for him.

Their late-night talks, late-night walks, every not-a-date date, every movie; all the genres they’ve watched, the trip to Jeju, the way the sunset shone on Sungwoon’s face, kissing his face with its golden hue.

Minhyun wanted to turn back time, rewind, rewind, back to that day where he saw that one senior struggling to reach his book in the library. He should’ve just walked pass the scene, shouldn’t have said anything. He should’ve gotten rid of any bits of interest he had on the cute man.

When Sungwoon introduced himself, with a smile so bright, eyes so clear, Minhyun should’ve closed his eyes then. He should’ve not fallen for Sungwoon.

He hated himself for not being able to stop. But how could he ever—when every moment, every piece of memory that Sungwoon brought into his life, they were the best moments Minhyun ever had. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that Sungwoon breathed colours into Minhyun’s monochrome world. 

He never thought that it would hurt this much.

He didn’t know what to do—they’ve hurt each other too much. And being apart from Sungwoon pained him.

Minhyun hated the distance. Sure, Sungwoon no longer run away from him now, he had no longer bolted off from the scene whenever their eyes met. But they were still walking on eggshells—there were too much restricted smiles and forced greetings, too much feigning normalcy to hide the awkwardness and bitter truths.

The public’s eyes remained on them, always, judging their entire movement. It died down, the gossips and the baseless rumours, twisted words that eloquent their story into a freaking drama or worse comedy skits. As much as things had calmed down, things would never be the same. Never.

He didn’t know what to do—more and more, he got sadder as time passed by.

Minhyun tried hard to move on. To go back to his self before he met Ha Sungwoon. He met up with his other friends more often, tried indulging in Minki’s obsession in introducing him to new people, had his lunch with Jonghyun who had always been his anchor, who’d forever have his back, his other half. His best friend, before Sungwoon came and occupied Minhyun’s world with his entire beings.

He went on walks with Youngmin hyung, got his new dog new collars and expensive clothes (for his dog, and also the owner himself). Minhyun spent Chuseok trying to cheer Youngmin who couldn’t book a ticket back home.

Minhyun tried to return back to music, and Dongho was there with him along the way. Music, was, still is, one of things that bind them. Minhyun fell back in love with his first love; singing, and with Dongho; classes, compositions and melody writing became more fun and personal.

However, as much as he tried living as Hwang Minhyun again, he knew a big part of himself could never be whole again.

He had lost too much of himself in trying to survive this, this whole relationship thing with Sungwoon.

Maybe it wasn’t love from the very beginning. It could’ve been plain obsession, it could be just greed.

For if Minhyun truly loved Sungwoon, how could he experience such aches from it? It couldn’t be love—for if it was, how could the selfishness override his care for the older man.

Even now, it hurt him still, when he saw Sungwoon trying to move on. Although he himself had said so to Daniel, to finally let the older man go, words were just words. Minhyun could lie and pretended in front of everyone around him, that he was totally fine and had moved on, but he himself knew that everything would not be as simple as that.

It was hypocrite of him, to keep on playing this push and pull game with Sungwoon, with his intention of letting him go and yet not being able to keep his words. It was hard, it was very difficult. He couldn’t do it in just a night or two.

Time would heal them, people said, but with every tick of the clock, Minhyun had felt nothing but heartbreak.

Maybe it wasn’t destiny, it could have been just coincidence.

Perhaps forever was not for them—guessed that their fate was just until there.

“Do you ever regret it?” Jinyoung asked once, over opened textbooks and the smooth blazing of the Bluetooth speaker. A sad song was playing, and it somehow drowned the atmosphere with melancholy and wistfulness. Jinyoung was softly singing along to the song when he eventually quietened down.

“Why?” Minhyun asked him. “Anything wrong?”

For all the noxious thoughts he had whenever Sungwoon was involved, Minhyun had never been one to neglect nor treat everyone around him with ill intentions. And he had soft spot for Jinyoung, no matter how the younger one tried to brush off Minhyun’s rare affections, usually directed to their younger friends, him especially.

“Regret what?” Minhyun asked when Jinyoung repeated his question. “I have a lot of regrets in life, Jinyoungie. You have to be more specific with that.”

“About Sungwoon hyung,” Jinyoung whined back, shutting off Minhyun’s attempt of being cheeky.

“Hm,” Minhyun’s only reaction was that. He leaned back against his chair and looked ahead for a while, still in his seat. There were a lot of regrets, but Minhyun’s heart would only hurt even more if he tried to think of it. He knew that reminiscing over the whole thing would be fruitless right now.

“Still not a good time to talk about it?” Jinyoung asked.

“I don’t think any time soon would be a good time,” Minhyun chuckled bitterly, “But, it is time to move on, right?”

“I guess so,” Jinyoung replied, nodding. “But why do you think that there’s a time frame to move on?” Jinyoung’s eyes were still casted on his book, but at times, he’d glance up to steal a look or two at his favourite hyung.

“It’s not fair,” Minhyun answered solemnly. He had a sad smile on his face and Jinyoung hated seeing such expression to stay on his face. “it’s not fair to Sungwoon hyung for me to keep on holding to the past. After all, I was the one who ruined everything.”

“It was all out of love,” Jinyoung pointed out. “Other people would probably do the same, or even worse when it comes to love. It is unfair for you, yourself, hyung, if you try to take all the blame on your shoulder.” Seeing Minhyun’s amused expression, Jinyoung rephrased himself, “It’s not like I want to badmouth Sungwoon hyung together with you, no, I love him, don’t get me wrong.”

Minhyun let Jinyoung to his thoughts. He understood his friend’s intention of wording things these ways. The younger ones are more forgiving and open to reconciliation. But he was probably asking for the impossible to have everyone forgive him, no?

“I slept with my friend’s boyfriend, Jinyoung-ah. The whole problem undoubtedly started with me.”

Jinyoung shut his book. And sighed. “I just miss all of us hanging out together.”

“I understand,” Minhyun replied, ruffling Jinyoung’s hair, “I will be back,” He promised, “I will make things right again.”

“What about Sungwoon hyung? Are you going to pursue him now?”

Minhyun thought of it—considering the hearts that he’d broke the last time he tried to pursue Sungwoon, he didn’t think that he could ever hurt him like that any longer. He didn’t want to. Sungwoon deserved his closure and time for self-healing.

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The end of the semester entailed a lot of alcohols and partying, dazzles of colourful lights and messy masses of bodies on the dance floor. Minhyun hadn’t planned to come but Minki was very persuasive. “I don’t even drink,” Minhyun tried to excuse himself while two of his friends, Youngmin and Minki tried to push his non-existent ass inside Minki’s tight pants (“You should be honoured, these are my ‘I’m not coming back for the night’ jeans.”).

Minhyun forcedly thanked Minki and was then shoved inside Jonghyun’s car, their designated driver for the night. When Minhyun had suggested to be the one who’d unfortunately remained sober to get everyone’s asses safe in their respective homes, they all turned him down.

“You need to let loose,” Youngmin said as he smirked at his friend.

Minhyun knew that it would be useless to go against them when they were all hyped up over the little gathering. When Minhyun’s eyes met Dongho’s, the other one just shrugged, also saying that he was in the same boat as him. Therefore, Minhyun just swallowed any complaint that he had and just wished for the night to pass by quickly.

But life is cruel.

Time was painfully slow as Minhyun’s cause of heartbreak made his way into the dance floor, with his own set of friends, and danced around. He noticed him right away, hair as striking as ruby when he entered the dark buzzing place. Eyes were on him instantly because Sungwoon, no matter how much he tried to put himself down, was a sight to behold.

Minhyun didn’t even try to hide the fact that he was staring. He knew that Sungwoon wouldn’t be able to spot him amongst the large crowd, let alone, paying any attention to him.

He knew that that Sungwoon was still struggling. He understood that. And he expected the rate of him downing his shots like they were clear water.

Minhyun knew he had no rights, knew that he should never crossed the line, especially after the shit he had done last time. The scars and consequences of his words were still evident right now and it was too big of a sin for him to shamelessly act like he cares about Sungwoon.

So, he stayed back, held himself back. He gripped his fists till his knuckles were white as Sungwoon made his way onto the dance floor. Sungwoon could dance all his want, with anyone he consented to, Minhyun knew that. Before this, under the bubble of friends slash friends-with-benefit, he could easily intimidate straying eyes as he glared at them. However, at the moment, there was little to none that he could do.

He shouldn’t meddle anyway. Who was he to do so?

Sungwoon could handle it, of course he could. He’s a man, someone who’s strong enough to stand up for himself. He didn’t need any knights in shining armours to save him, nor was he a damsel in distress to begin with. Sungwoon has a presence like a dragon, and he easily burned the stubborn man, roasted him with one blow of an attack.

Dongho and Jonghyun had both witnessed the entire thing, along with Minhyun. Whereas Jonghyun had winced as a second-hand reaction, Dongho just laughed loudly at the situation, applauding Sungwoon for that impressive lower hook that seemed like it could dislocate the man’s jaw.

Sungwoon’s previously light mood had became sullen in just a second. He walked away from the dance floor, probably to put ice on his injury. Although Sungwoon’s hit was a jackpot that ended the man’s advances, the man still packed more muscles and height over him. It was bound to inflict similar amount of pain to Sungwoon’s fist especially when he wasn’t the fighting type in the first place.

“Where are you going?” Minki asked as Minhyun walked with a sense of urgency in his steps.

Minhyun couldn’t take his friend seriously, not with the way a Minion headband was blinking on top of his head. Instead, Minhyun just ignored him, trying to focus on supressing his boiling rage over what had happened just now.

The man was already on the ground when Minhyun appeared. “What is wrong with you people?!” He shouted when he spotted Minhyun. He must’ve been someone from their campus, Minhyun assumed, considering that he was nosy enough to know who Daniel and Minhyun were. “I already said I’m sorry. I apologised to his pretty face after he himself punched me on the face. What more do you want?”

From his peripheral vision, Minhyun noticed that Daniel’s jaw had hardened at the term ‘pretty’ being used carelessly. “I wasn’t planning on doing anything,” Minhyun shrugged. A lie. He came like a man on a mission and no one bought the untrue claim.

Daniel had terribly done a number on the man. There was blood, on the man’s face, trailing from Daniel’s fist, inferring that they’d exchanged punches and things could’ve easily became dangerous. The younger man brushed off his coat, trying to wipe the traces of red on the fabric. Judging from his tensed shoulder and cold face, Minhyun knew that Daniel was no way any near done with the man.

“Get the fuck away from here.” He warned.

“What did that cherry do to you two?” The man mumbled as he tried to get up.

Fuck. Minhyun’s brain short-circuited and he vaguely realised that he had pinned his foot on the man’s chest. The man failed to get up to a proper position and hit the ground again. His whole body fell with a thud and he whined at the sudden crushing weight on his rib cage. It wheezed the breath out of him.

“Don’t fucking call him that,” Minhyun hissed, enunciating each word with gradually increasing force on his foot.

Trying to push Minhyun’s leg off of him, the man scoffed in between his gasps, “Seriously?” He spat to his left, “All of these for that bitch?”

That set Daniel off. No one expected when his foot met the man’s face. The prey’s screech doubled as Daniel began to step harder on him, and his hands flew to reach for freedom. “Fuck, alright, alright!” Ah, the screams were music to Minhyun’s ears. He did not feel any remorse nor guilt as he trashed the man’s torso with his leg. “I’m sorry! Alright! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

Minhyun took off his foot and walked a few steps away.

“Seriously scram off before I really burst your head next.” Daniel warned, words coated with his Busan accent. With his strong arm, he pulled the man to his knees and tried dragging him to a standing position. The faster the dude disappears from his face, the better.

Minhyun shut his eyes, couldn’t believe that he could ever feel this much anger within him. When he finally opened his eyes, he noticed that Daniel was still trying to calm himself down.

‘Should I start?’ Minhyun asked himself—is it worth to try and mend their broken relationship now? Is it not too late?

Daniel turned around and looked at him for a while. He scoffed. “Oh, are we talking now?” Minhyun could’ve expected that kind of reaction from him. “Why?” Daniel asked again, tone definitely unfriendly, “Is there any more surprises to tell me?” Come to think of it, they hadn’t been talking since the incident a few months back.

Minhyun too, was frustrated. “Daniel please,” He called out, “Are we really doing this right now? We’re not in high school anymore.”

Disbelief, hostility, all pasted on Daniel’s expression. Minhyun sighed, forefeeling the storm that’d soon come.

“Yes, we’re not in high school anymore,” Daniel repeated. “So does that explain why you slept with my boyfriend?” Daniel shrugged again, “What do you have to say about it?”

After Daniel’s question, Minhyun stopped for a moment. He was stunned. Flashes of past memories with Sungwoon flooded his mind and his heart was filled with unexplained emotions.

Of course, it was love. It was all because of love.

Who was he trying to fool? For whom was he denying his heart for? It was all as clear as the bright sky. He loved, no, still is, in love with Sungwoon.

“I love him.”

“You love him?” Daniel scoffed.

Hearing the doubt in Daniel’s tone didn’t feel good at all. Daniel wouldn’t understand. He was confident, he had no fear, he could openly admit that he loves Sungwoon, and it was a given that Sungwoon had loved him back. Probably, he never gets rid of those feelings, not even now, after a few moments had passed since they’d broken up.

Minhyun wasn’t like that. From the beginning, he’d lost his timing. They were mere friends, and after being heavily involved with one another sexually, their status began to distort. They stopped being just friends and somehow, they were more like strangers. Their vague relationship caused them to rift even further until one of them snapped.

And over the time, he lost his confidence. When Daniel appeared in their lives, he knew that he’d lost his chances.

Sungwoon gave up. He moved on.

He fell in love with Kang Daniel.

And Minhyun couldn’t take that.

“I was there before you,” He said. He didn’t want to cry but looking at Daniel’s disappointed face right now, Minhyun felt that his heart was stretched and torn into pieces. They were friends, he recalled, what on earth had happened to them…

“I’m sorry that I broke your trust. That we went behind your back. But I,” I love him. “But I can’t give up on him.” I can’t be without him.

Daniel shook his head. “You could’ve told me before that! That you had feelings for him.” Daniel gritted. He would’ve understood. He knew what, how is it like to fall for someone, to be in love with Sungwoon. Things would have not turned this way. Things would have not blown up like this. “Do you not think of how miserable I felt? Now that I know about it, have you ever imagined how I would feel? Whenever I see him? Whenever I see you, hyung?”

“I’m sorry,” Minhyun apologised again. “I really do,” He was crying, bawling, he was a mess. And Daniel was in no point any better at the moment. The little crowd they’d gathered, they couldn’t care less about the stares and the whispers. They mattered none to them, not even once.

“He was in love with me.” He knew, Sungwoon’s eyes held, had shown him his real heart countless of times.

It was evident in his smile, the way he sought Minhyun after his bad days. The way he stared at him over the evening sky, when he told Minhyun his insecurities, his monsters, his demons, his history. As they shared a kiss, one, two, accompanied by the cool breeze in Jeju. The way his stares lingered after a night together, thinly-pressed lips, wanting to say more but fearing that they’d go backwards, that he’d get less than what he originally had. That everything would vanish, the story they’d shared all these times.

But.

“But I took that for granted.” Minhyun knew. “When he finally let you in.” Despite how hard Sungwoon had resisted in. “When he finally started to have feelings for you.” Even though he was already in love with Minhyun back then.

Minhyun was afraid. “I was scared,” He admitted it out loud. “It made me realise that I wanted to be with him, that I really love him.” More silence followed. Minhyun sighed again. “Now only I realise that my kind of love was wrong. I felt like hell when I couldn’t see him smile. When he cried because of me. When he was hurting because of what I did…”

“I forgive you.” Daniel finally replied, shocking Minhyun with his words.

“That’s it?” Minhyun asked. “Are you joking with me right now?” 

“What, do you want me to plant another punch to your face, hyung?”

Minhyun let out a dark laugh. That would actually be handy, really, Minhyun thought. He was getting crazier each day and the killing thoughts had been following him around for months now. A wake-up call in the form of a punch from Daniel, one of the persons that he’d hurt the most, might’ve been the resolution he needed. “That would be good actually.”

“What, really?” Daniel’s voice carried a disbelief tone as well. He was wiping his cries-stained face. 

“Yeah, that would make me feel better about this.” With a nod, Minhyun reassured Daniel.

-

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-

Minhyun was on the subway track back home. He had just returned from visiting his parents back at his hometown and today of all days, he felt lonely. Very.

Maybe it was because fall was coming to an end, and the first snow of the year had graced Seoul’s ground. Maybe in the train, he saw couples all over each other, heads huddled close, hands clasping, the puffs of their breaths hitting one another’s faces. Maybe it was just the weather, cold, and his palms felt emptier than ever. And so was his heart.

The DJ spoke through his headset, voice soothing as he cooed warm words to the listeners.

“How is everyone’s day,” along the lines of “please dress warmly,” and “enjoy the beginning of winter with your loved ones,”

Minhyun logged out of the radio broadcast. He decided to open his playlist instead. And when he heard the first track playing, his breath hitched. He chuckled, leaning his head against the hard seat. What an irony.

the person that I am is very difficult

I know I am broken

But I still wish you wouldn’t give up on me

Because once I could be fixed

I’d be rather beautiful

So please don’t let go and throw me away