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It wasn’t raining. Steve thought it would have been raining because all of the movies had funerals in the rain. The evening before had been a torrential downpour, creating flash floods, but today was just a bit cloudy, as though even the world wasn’t sure how to react to the funeral.
The graveside service was small – Howard didn’t have many friends outside of the service and most of his friends in the military were still serving abroad. Tony was sitting in one of the covered chairs at the front, next to Steve, swinging his little legs. When he was presented the folded flag, Tony took it.
“Thank you,” he whispered, hugging the flag to his chest.
Steve wasn’t sure what to do – he wasn’t trained in how to handle a six year old who had just lost his father.
They were playing cars in the living room when there was a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it!” screeched Tony, dropping his toy car and sprinting to the door.
“Wait for me, buddy,” said Steve, following closely. He unlatched the higher locks and opened the door, pushing Tony slightly behind him as he did so no one could reach in and snatch him.
Standing in the hall were two middle aged men in uniform with solemn faces. The color drained from Steve’s face because he knew. He knew why those men were here.
“Can I help you?” asked Steve, swooping Tony up to be resting on his hip while he opened the door wider.
“Hey!” said Tony, waving happily at the strangers. “You’re dressed like Daddy! Do you know my daddy? He’s in the mil-tary too. He’s overseas right now, which means he’s far away, but he calls me every week, which is nice. Do you know him?”
“I’m Steve Rogers,” said Steve with a sad sigh. “This is Tony Stark, Howard Stark’s kid. Why don’t you both come in.”
“I’m sorry,” said one man. “I didn’t realized – is the boys grandparents –“
“They’re dead,” said Steve. “Howard and I grew up together, so I’m Tony’s guardian while Howard is deployed.”
The two men nodded regretfully and stepped into the apartment.
“Uncle Steve,” whispered Tony, turning and kneeling on the folding chair, the folded flag in his arms.
“Yeah, Buddy?” asked Steve, leaning down in his stiff suit.
Tony blinked sadly at Steve, unsure of what he wanted or how to express himself, just knowing that he was unspeakably sad and Uncle Steve always made things better.
Steve smiled tearfully and pulled Tony into his lap. Tony snuggled into his chest, looking out at the casket. A man was talking about peace and rest and other things that Tony didn’t really understand – but he knew what it boiled down to. His dad was gone and he wasn’t coming back.
There would be no more late night calls because Daddy forgot what time it was at home. There would be no more midnight cookies after nightmares, no more unexpected trips to a new place just because Daddy was feeling restless. No more reading stories in the kids section of the local bookstore but not buying them.
There would be no more hugs and kisses.
There would be no more tickle fights.
No more dad.
Then Steve was standing with Tony on his hip, thanking people as they paid their respects and shared stories with them. Tony stayed leaning placidly against Steve until Bucky took him and walked a bit away from the crowd. Before Tony could wonder why, Bucky started talking.
“You’re okay, Tony,” cooed Bucky, swaying and bouncing Tony gently. “I’ve got you, kid. Deep breaths. Come on, you can do it, nice, deep breaths. Good job.”
Tony hadn’t realized that his breathing had picked up into near hyperventilation. With effort, he started following Bucky’s instructions. Small, short gasps stuttered into more manageable breaths.
“Good job, little punk,” said Bucky softly. “There you go. I know, I know it hard.”
Tony nodded, sniffling miserably.
“Did you know that I was just about your age when I lost my dad?” said Bucky, sitting on a bench that some family had placed near their loved ones graves.
“Really?” said Tony, pulling back a bit to look at Bucky’s face.
“Yup,” said Bucky seriously. “He was a wonderful dad but he got sick and just didn’t get better.”
“Do you still miss him?”
“Every day. At first I missed him so much it was hard to breathe. But I still had my mom and little sister. And eventually my mom married my stepdad and he was a wonderful man too. It didn’t make me miss my dad any less but I knew that dad would want me to be happy and cared for.”
“I don’t have a mom though,” said Tony sadly.
“No, but you have an Uncle Steve who adores you,” said Bucky. “And I know he misses your dad too but he loves you.”
“I love him too,” said Tony. “Is Uncle Steve going to keep me all the time now?”
“Yeah Buddy,” said Steve, crouching down in front of Tony and Bucky, uncaring that his knees were getting dirty in the damp grass, taking Tony’s small hands in his own. “I’m going to keep you all the time now. It’s going to be you and me. You okay with that?”
“You promise not to leave me?”
“I promise.”
“What if you die?”
“Well, we can figure that out later but I promise to find some nice people to take care of you if anything happens to me.”
“No, I need to know now. Because Daddy didn’t plan on leaving me either but he did and we have to – to make plans,” insisted Tony.
“Baby, nothing is going to happen to me right now,” said Steve, wiping away a tear from Tony’s cheek. “I know, things are scary and confusing right now, and I promise that I will ask someone to watch you when everything settles down.”
“I don’t wanna go to the orf’nage,” whispered Tony. His dad had told him that’s where he would go once when he was crying about not wanting to stay with Steve. His dad made it sound super scary and he didn’t want to go there.
“Oh honey,” said Steve, his face falling even more – if that was possible.
“Tony, if anything happens to Steve then you can stay with me or Clint until we figure things out,” said Bucky calmly.
Bucky knew that Tony wasn’t actually concerned about where he was living, he was just using it as a distraction, as a way to not face the reality. Because at the moment, anything was better than facing reality.
“Let’s go home,” said Steve with a sigh, picking Tony up off of Bucky’s lap and cuddling him close.
It had started to mist but that wasn’t the reason for the change of scenery – Steve just didn’t want to be by the grave of his best friend any longer.
“I’ll leave you two to it, shall I?” said Bucky as they reached Steve’s apartment building.
“No, stay!” said Tony frantically.
“Please stay,” said Steve with begging blue eyes.
Bucky nodded, not needing more convincing. Steve put Tony down in his room for a nap – the poor kid was emotionally exhausted and fell asleep quickly. Then Steve collapsed on the couch next to his boyfriend, leaning all of his considerably mass against him.
“Tony is showing mild signs of separation anxiety,” said Bucky.
“I know,” said Steve.
“Clint is going to bring over pizza tonight.”
“I know.”
“I’m also going to delay moving in for a while,” said Bucky.
“What?” said Steve, sitting up to have this conversation.
“They say to wait to make any big changes for at least a year after someone dies,” said Bucky calmly. “And it’s already a change for Tony to move in here full time. I can’t throw more changes on him. Or you. Because yes, Tony lost his dad, but you also lost your best friend.”
“Bucky, Tony already knows about you moving in. Don’t you think it would be worse to change plans on him? He adores you! And Bucky, he’s going to blame himself if you don’t move in. I know my kid and he will think it’s his fault. Please, I’m begging you, don’t do this to him. At least ask him first. Let him decide.”
Bucky shrugged sheepishly.
“Please.”
“Okay, I’ll talk to him when he wakes up.”
“Okay.”
They looked at each other for several minutes before they both just deflated, Bucky slouching back and Steve with tears in his eyes.
“We’re going to figure this out,” said Steve. “Right?”
“Right,” said Bucky with a smile.