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When we were little, our living conditions were so uncannily similar. We both grew up in a single-parent household, both our parents were busy working throughout our childhood, and we were even of the same age. It was just another convenient coincidence that our houses were right next to each other. We had been neighbors ever since we were born.
We spent so many days together – playing in his backyard, or in my room, or anywhere really. The combined perimeter of both houses was ours to conquer. We were so alike, and it pushed us together. Over the years, we naturally melded together and gradually learnt how to act around each other. I knew never to ask about his missing mother, and he understood that talking about my late father was simply off-limits. We entertained and kept each other company whenever we were together – which was very often because our parents always left us to our own devices whenever they went to work.
And now? I have to say; we are still similar… just not where it counts. We still like the same things, and subconsciously seek out each other’s company, but at this moment, it seems that one single disagreement is creating a great divide between us. All of a sudden, I feel a wall in front of him. He is growing distant. He is turning into someone I don’t recognize.
But now that I think about it, maybe that side of him has always been there, but he just kept it hidden and has only chosen to reveal it now. Or maybe I was the one who unconsciously ignored and accidentally oppressed that side of him. Or maybe I was the reason he wanted to erase that side of him; so that I would never find out about it at all.
We are both growing up, and maybe here is where our paths started to separate. My life is destined to go one way, and his is supposed to go another way. Our paths are just not meant to stay as one anymore. Maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s all there is to it.
It’s just easier to think about it that way instead of wondering exactly where along the road could I have changed something, or done anything differently, if it meant that I could keep my best friend by my side.
●
The two of us went on a secret trip when we were in elementary school. Over the course of a couple of weeks, we had collected enough allowance to take the train from our town to a neighboring town, exactly one train stop away. We were wise enough to allocate extra cash for the train fare back, and snacks. One day, after returning home from school and making sure that both our parents would finish work at their usual time (7pm for mom, 6.45pm for his dad), we changed out of our school uniform and walked to the train station, hand in hand. We didn’t ask for permission to leave the house; we didn’t have to. As long as we never tell them what we were up to, they will never know that we ever left the house at all. That trip was our little secret; just the two of us.
We were trying to decide whether to travel north or south. The station directly south of ours was named “Yongseon”, which was also the name of our classmate. She wasn’t very nice to us, so we didn’t want to go to a place that could remind us of her. So, we went north; to “Seojung”.
We didn’t really do much in Seojung. We had exactly enough money to pay for the train fare back home, and some money to spare for snacks. We didn’t want to sacrifice the money that we already set aside for snacks, or potentially get lost, so we didn’t take any buses around Seojung. We didn’t even leave the train station. We mostly just browsed through the shops at the station, occasionally bickering over which snack or tiny souvenir to buy.
I don’t remember much of that day anymore. Most of that day has already become fuzzy and dusty in my memories, but there is one thing that I will always remember from it; taking a train to an unfamiliar destination has an exhilarating appeal to it. As children, we were thrilled to finally be able to see a world outside our own; and that we were seeing it together.
By now, that memory has mostly become a faded page of my life, but warmth still greets my heart whenever I reminisce. It was one of my favorite things to look back at about my childhood. I just never knew that day was more significant to him than it was to me.
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There was a huge tree that grew on his yard, right near the window of his room. The branches of that tree grew so long that it traveled past the fence that separated our houses and right to my window. He liked to climb that tree to sneak into my room from his whenever he had a fight with his father.
He started this habit of seeking refuge in my room way back in middle school. One day, right after the school bell rang, he just got up from his seat and disappeared out the door. I had to walk home without him. It felt very alien to not have him beside me, talking animatedly about random things while we make a stop at the convenience store to pick up some soft drinks on our way home. We would always discuss about homework (“you should do math, and I’ll do geography so we can just exchange our workbooks later”) and whose house we should go when we have to do revision before exams (“my house is out of snacks, so let’s go to yours”). At that time, I pretended that I didn’t notice him frequenting my house more and more often after school—almost on a daily basis—and staying until my mother returned from work and said “you should go home. Your father must be worried sick”.
As soon as I arrived home, however, I found him in my room. Of course, I asked him why he didn’t just walk home with me if he wanted to stop by my house, and he said that he didn’t want anyone to know that he was here, especially his dad, or my mother who could rat him out to his dad.
When he said that, I just knew that he had yet another fight with his father. By that point, both our parents had found less demanding jobs, so they would be home earlier. I knew that his father returned home at the same time we finished school. Everything clicked—coming to my house after school so often, refusing to leave until my mother arrived; he was avoiding his father. He explained that his father got sick of him running off to my house almost every day, so he demanded him to be home the moment school finished, and then proceeded to ground him, but he didn’t want to stay, so he snuck out his window into my room, via climbing the tree.
From then on, I learnt to never ask for his reason whenever he sneaks into my room. That was a silent agreement between the two of us that these happenings must remain a secret. It seemed that there would be more questions than answers if I asked anyway, so I never did.
So when he knocks on my window late one night, asking for my help,
“Just let me hide in here, please”
I didn’t know what to do. I just knew he and his father somehow had a fight again. I didn’t even need to ask to know. But I still want to know what the fight was about, and everything about what’s going on; I have to. The fight this time is just too big for me to brush off. And from the looks of it, this fight is leading my best friend into making a dire decision; to leave and never return.
I don’t want to say yes, but I don’t have the heart to say no. Honestly, I just don’t know what to feel, knowing that my room is the only place where he feels safe.
“Fine. Come on in”
●
I have to admit; sometimes I was jealous of Taehyung for having a father.
There were times when I wished there was somebody to teach me how to use tools and change light bulbs. I wish I didn't need to learn how to tie a tie through the internet. I wish there was somebody I could ask about what to do with my morning stubble. I wish I had a role model to look up to as a man. Or just someone to ask what it really means to be a man at all.
But my jealousy never went haywire because I knew this feeling was mutual. I could picture Taehyung yearning for a mother figure in his own home. Having someone to help him with sewing his torn shirts. Having any form of knowledge in cooking that wasn't self-taught. Having someone to kiss his cheeks before he goes to school. Having someone to just be there for him and tell him that it's gonna be okay.
Now that I think about it, I wouldn't want to trade my mother for a father, regardless of my yearning for one. I asked Taehyung if he would trade his father for a mother, and his answer shocked me.
"Sure" he said without missing a beat, as if it was question that didn’t even need pondering.
I think that was the first instance I had ever detected something amiss about Taehyung’s relationship with his father.
While it remains true that we were both raised in a single parent household, I always felt that there was a glaring contrast between the way we were raised. His mother ghosted out on his entire life, but my father passed away. Whenever I started wondering what it would be like if my father was still alive, I would stop myself from wandering too far into my thoughts because I knew that was never going to happen. My father was permanently gone and there was nothing I could do that would change that. That way, at least I had closure.
That was a luxury that Taehyung never had. His mother was somewhere out there, probably still alive too. With that possibility at hand, Taehyung's mind was free to roam through it.
I think that was why Taehyung didn't mind going through falling outs with his father. I didn't like having any sort of disagreement with my mother because she was my only family. However I view it, being on bad terms with her wasn't an option. But that wasn’t the case with Taehyung and his father.
I'm sure at one point, Taehyung had imagined about what it would be like if he were to be reunited with his mother. He has probably thought of looking for her more than once. Memorizing her face from old buried photos, subconsciously searching for that same face in crowds, looking through old trinkets for any form of clues that could lead him to her.
In no way do I feel that I'm superior to Taehyung in any way. I don’t want to compare my living conditions to Taehyung just to make me feel better about myself or my own life. It's just that objectively, the cards that he's been dealt with is far worse than mine, and that’s a circumstance which we don’t have any control over.
●
“Remember our train ride? We never traveled south, to Yongseon. Don’t you want to go there? See what it looks like? We don’t have to go far—we can just loiter at the station, just like that day. How about it? Are you with me?”
I don’t know why he’s suddenly bringing this up. All these years, he never voluntarily told me anything specific about his fights with his father. It truly seemed like he wanted to keep me out of his business, and I respected his need for privacy; or rather, his need for secrecy.
But now… It seems like he had no other choice than to drag me into this. Because I’m the only one who can be on his side.
He wants to run away from home and he wants me to go with him.
●
He knows.
I have a wad of cash that I keep hidden somewhere in my house. My mother advised me to always keep at least a bit of money at hand instead of putting it all in the bank—in case we urgently need to pay a plumber, or a mechanic, or if mom doesn’t have enough money to give me any allowance, or if something bad happens. I think right now is what mom meant when she said “something bad”.
Mom doesn’t know where I hide my money. I tell her the amount I have, but not the location. I just thought it would be for the best that she doesn’t know where the stash is, so that she’d have to ask for my permission before taking money from my stash.
I told him though. It wasn’t anything serious or anything akin to a huge secret; it was just something that slipped into our conversation in passing, so I didn’t really think much when I told him “I have 200 000 won that I keep in a pencil case at my bookshelf, right beside my favorite book”. It was so unimportant that I can’t even seem to properly trace when I had said that to him. It could’ve been somewhere last month, or it could’ve been seven years ago—or way before then, even.
“C’mon, we should go on an adventure together! We don’t have to go to Yongseon, we can go anywhere – even faraway cities! You have enough money to cover the train fare, right?”
Now, that single piece of information is the exact reason why he’s asking for my help. I don’t know whether or not to feel glad that I told him. If I didn’t, he would have gone ahead and disappeared without even a goodbye. But I did, and now he’s asking me to help him disappear. This tiny secret suddenly becomes a test of our friendship. Whether or not he trusts me. Whether or not I trust him.
It is downright ridiculous how something as trivial as my secret stash is powerful enough for him to put our friendship on the line.
●
“Don’t you want to go on another adventure?” he asked, “We don’t need to care about anyone or anything else. We can leave everything behind and go on adventures together—forever. It will be the greatest adventure ever!”
I'm not going to lie; I do want to go on that adventure. It sounds way more exhilarating than anything I've done in a while. Taking a break from the real world; it sounds like something I need, too. Plus, the idea of reliving our childhood memories is temptingly, irresistibly nostalgic. When I think it through, maybe disappearing into this unplanned, spontaneous and instinctive adventure with my dear friend is something I want as well.
But disappearing won't lighten the burden or consequences of running away. No matter where we go, there will always be that weight hanging above our heads. The responsibilities that we leave behind, the people we refuse to answer to... Am I strong enough to abandon all that? Or perhaps am I too weak to commit myself to it to the point that I’m considering running away?
Those adventurous days of ours are behind us. They are all in the past, but we have to live in the present, where we are needed. I just can't help feeling that we're being selfish, deciding our future on our own like this. Perhaps we're being cowards by running away from the fate that's already been decided for us.
“Taehyung-ah…” I finally spoke up. I was starting to piece things together, “We’re not kids anymore. We can’t just go anywhere as we like without telling anybody and get away with it.”
“But we’re all grown up now! Why do we still need permission from anybody to do anything?!”
I wish I had an answer for that.
●
“Taehyung-ah”, I sighed out. We still haven’t reached a settlement, but I was already exhausted. “Just sleep here tonight. I won’t tell mom. Tomorrow morning, we’ll decide what to do. But for now, let’s just go to sleep, okay?”
“I don’t think I can stay here that long. Dad will probably find out where I am by then”
That was one more thing we never really explicitly discussed. It was never clear to me as to whether or not his father knew that Taehyung would always come here after storming off from a fight. He never came by to ask if I had seen Taehyung whenever he disappeared, so maybe he never suspected a thing. Or perhaps it was because he knew exactly where Taehyung kept himself hidden that he never bothered asking or searching for him when he left, since he knew that Taehyung would be safe here, instead of roaming outdoors. Maybe his father never even knew that he habitually snuck out, since Taehyung usually broke into my room by climbing the tree. In fact, I can only recall one instance where he came here by leaving through his front door, and that was a very bad memory to me.
I sighed. I didn’t want to recall that right now. Not when my head already was already heavy enough from all this arguing.
“Are you that desperate to leave this place?”
“Yes”, he answered without a hint of hesitation.
“… Just don’t do anything that you might regret.”
“I’ll never regret leaving this place.” He retaliated firmly.
I closed my eyes to let it sink in. Taehyung had made his decision and even I, his best friend, couldn’t change that. And that was that.
It was obvious just from the clothes we were wearing. He was wearing his thinnest and lightest winter jacket which he only puts on when he is in a hurry. Snow boots perfect for bolting out in the unforgiving cold. His beanie suggests that he was somewhat prepared for this. He wasn’t wearing a muffler around his neck because he doesn't like adjusting it every few minutes, especially when he's moving around outdoors.
And me? I was clad in my worn t-shirt and sweatpants, ready for my routine of going to sleep at 12.30am every single night. My hair was flat on my head, still a bit damp from my nightly shower. Water droplets were still trickling down the loose hair strands like raindrops. Some of the water streamed down my neck and spine like tear tracks. My equally damp towel was still in my hand.
Anyone who took a look at us at that moment would know instantly that Taehyung was ready to go; to leave—and I was not. To Taehyung, being an adult is gaining freedom. And perhaps I am part of the shackles that hold him back.
I walked over to the light switch next to the door. For a second there, he looked a tiny bit scared that I was going to open the door and rat him out, but he immediately relaxed when he saw my hands aiming for the light switch instead of the door knob. With a single flick of my finger, darkness engulfed the entire room. I mechanically padded over to my bed. I had done this enough times to be able to accurately estimate the distance from the door to my bed. I slid under the covers and turned to sleep on my side, my back facing him. The whole time, Taehyung stood frozen in the middle of the room, unmoving since the start till the end of our conversation. I was giving him a silent signal; do whatever you want. What he’s about to do is going to have such a huge impact onto our lives and I couldn’t make that decision for him.
I shifted in my place and looked out the window that Taehyung came in through. It was raining. We were still in the chilly beginnings of winter. This was the time of the year right before the rain turns into snow. The rain that fell from the sky could pierce through layers of clothing, sending chills to the bone. If Taehyung went out in the cold with his thin jacket right now, he’d be sure to get pneumonia – if he doesn’t immediately die from the low temperature first, that is.
I was just about to close my eyes when I felt the bed dip right behind me. He scooted closer and looped his arms around me. His chest was right against my back. I felt his heartbeat stronger than I could hear it.
“You said you can’t stay?” I asked.
“I won’t regret leaving this place, but I’ll definitely regret it if I’d have to leave you too.” He said quietly.
Silence fell upon us. This moment brought back memories to me from our childhood that had long remained buried. When we were kids, we would sleep over at each other’s houses all the time. He felt as familiar and comfortable in my house as he did in his own, and I felt the same with his house. I knew where he hid all his candy, and he knew where to find the spare toothbrushes in my house. We knew what time ‘lights out’ was at each other’s houses. Of course, we would switch off the lights when the time came like the obedient kids we pretended to be, but we wouldn’t go to sleep immediately. Quite the opposite, actually—sometimes we slept so late past midnight that we'd say goodnight to each other, only to backtrack and say "it's already morning though" and laugh lightheartedly. A faint smile graced my lips, recalling the memories that now seemed bittersweet.
“Goodnight” I said, hesitated, and then continued, “I hope I'll see you again in the morning.” I really didn’t want to entertain the possibility that this is it, he’ll be gone after this.
“Goodnight”, he replied, “and by the way—It's already morning, dumbass.”
It warmed my heart a bit to know he still remembered that chunk of our childhood, as I did. It made it seem like our hearts were at the same place, at the same time. Maybe lying together in one bed reminded him of the same memories—the days when we were little enough to comfortably share a single bed without getting our limbs all over each other like this.
●
In the morning, I woke up to a cold and empty bed. All the books that were supposed to be on my bookshelf were haphazardly lying on the floor. I didn’t even need to look to know that my cash-filled pencil case was gone, and so was my best friend. A note was taped onto the highest rack of the bookshelf, exactly where the now-empty pencil case was.
“I’m sorry” was all that the note said. Just like that, I got my answer. He didn’t need me to be by his side anymore. And that ‘greatest adventure’ Taehyung was talking about last night? It never happened.
It’s true that there is a thrill in heading to an unfamiliar destination. But there’s absolutely no thrill in knowing that my dear friend is going somewhere I don’t know, and possibly starting his life anew—whereas I am just the one he left behind.
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