Chapter Text
Chapter 1
The tent needs to be repaired. I know I’ve left it too long. It’s time to think about options. Aaron wants me to come back to Alexandria but I can’t. It’s too hard to see Michonne and the kids there without him. It’s too hard to be there without him. Jesus says come to Hilltop. That’s better, I guess but without Maggie it’s not home. I can’t go to Kingdom. Watch her with him, creating some new family. No options really. Need a new tent.
The days go by so slowly. I can’t remember the last time I spoke out loud. I could talk out loud all day if I wanted. No one here to hear me anyways. The days are boring. Hunt, fish, tend to the camp, more arrows, clean up. The same every day.
The nights are awful. I try not to sleep. The nightmares are bad. Governor, Claimers, Negan, that bridge. All of it replaying in my head, all of it just as fucked up as the real thing. The regrets are worse. The guilt overwhelming. Hershel, Beth, Tyrese, Noah, Denise, Glen, Abraham. The list is long. Rick’s death was on me too. That’s the worst one. I can’t forgive myself for my part in his end and I don’t think Maggie could either. That’s why she went to stay with that crazy bitch with the book of windmills and shit. I don’t blame her for wanting to get far away from the memories, from Negan, from me. I wish I could get away from me too.
Aaron and Jesus come out to see me sometimes. They are finding happiness together and that’s the way it should be. They deserve it. They both tried to get me to come back to one of the communities at the beginning. They kid with me that trying to persuade me is the thing that brought them together. At least that’s a good thing to come out of it. Sometimes I wish they’d stop coming though. It hurts to see them so happy. Selfish but I can’t help it.
I lost my chance at that. Long ago and now it’s just the drag of the day. The emptiness and the lack of anything to drive me forward. Lost that drive when I lost Rick on that bridge. He pushed me.
I’m fishing when I hear the horse. It’s being ridden by someone. I duck down and circle around. The bow is in my hand and aimed before I realize it’s Carol. What is she doing here? How did she find me? I stay down and hope that she leaves. No such luck, should’ve known better really. She’s one stubborn woman.
“Daryl, I know you can hear me. Come out here and talk to me.”
I can’t move. I’m embarrassed that she knows I’m here. I’m hiding and she knows it. It’s humiliating if I’m honest with myself.
“I’m not leaving dear. Just come out and talk. It’s okay.”
She’s patronizing me. Treating me like a wounded animal. That isn’t far from the truth though so I guess I shouldn’t be pissed.
“Whatcha want woman?”
She smiles at me and I want to smile back but don’t. Smiling seems disrespectful considering everything we’ve lost.
“To see you of course. I’ve missed you Pookie.”
The nickname makes me flinch. It reminds me of all the things we’ve gone through together. And how far apart we’ve been all these years.
“Uh-huh. What else?”
“Come home. This isn’t healthy. It isn’t good for you, Daryl. He wouldn’t want this.” I wish she wouldn’t have mentioned him. I’m angry immediately.
“Don’t fucking manipulate me Carol. This is home. I’ve told all you all that this is where I’m staying, I don’t know what is wrong with you that you can’t understand.”
She frowns at me, “Don’t scream at me Mr. Dixon. I’m not the scared mouse I was back in that stable when you called me a stupid bitch. I won’t be frightened off by your dirty fucking mouth.”
The cursing surprises me. Not that I ain’t ever heard her curse before but she don’t usually. “I know you ain’t a mouse. You never were. You survived Ed and everything that came after.”
She smiles sweetly and I look at the ground. She has no idea what she’s doing to me but that doesn’t make it hurt less. “That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me Pookie. See this is why you have to come back with me. Who’s going to say such nice things to me otherwise?”
“You have a man for that. Why don’t you go home to him?”
“No man could take your place dear. You were first.”
The teasing tone both makes me warm and cuts at the same time. This isn’t fair. I know I’m not going to go with her to Kingdom, I couldn’t stay there and watch them together. But she isn’t going to let it go so easily. I’ve tried not talking and being angry and now I’m out of ideas on how to get her to leave me be.
I decide to go a new way, “Carol I can’t. I can’t go to Alexandria and see Michonne and those kids, Negan in the cell, I can’t. I can’t go to Hilltop and think about Maggie and I ain’t ever gonna feel at home at Kingdom. I just can’t.”
My head is down, eyes on the ground. She’s quiet. She gets off of the horse and walks towards me. I tense up all over. My body acting like it did when my old man was getting riled. She isn’t going to hit me but she can still hurt me.
“None of it was your fault. None of it. No one blames you but you. I wish I understood why you take everything as your responsibility when it isn’t. You’re a good, kind, honest man. I hate to see you like this. It’s wrong. You deserve so much more,” she’s crying and I wish I could disappear. She shouldn’t cry for me. I can’t say anything now. My tongue frozen and my brain stopped.
As if she knew what was going on in my head she continues, “You don’t have to say anything. I know that no matter what I say it isn’t going to change what goes on in that adorable head of yours. The tears are for you and your pain but they’re for me too. I miss you. Kingdom could use your skills. Any of the communities would be lucky to have you and you’d be welcome at any of them. I wouldn’t tell you that if it wasn’t true. It breaks my heart to see you hide away from everyone who loves you. And they do still love you sweetheart. I’m going to go. But I’ll be back in a month. Think about what I’ve said. This has gone on long enough.”
She closed the distance and hugged me. She smelled good and I’m sure I smell awful but she leans into the hug and puts her head on my shoulder. My throat hurts from trying not to cry and I don’t say anything but I squeeze her and hold on. When I let go she steps back, wipes at her eyes and mounts the horse to leave. I know I should say something but I don’t. She waves and then she’s gone. And I’m alone again.
The rest of the day I hunt and do some odd jobs around the camp. My hands are busy but my mind is a thousand miles away. My chest actually hurts when I think about Carol, Michonne, Judith and the others. I miss them but I just don’t think I can go back to being a part of a group. Of getting close. Of caring that much again. It seems too hard.