Chapter Text
The days leading up to Jake’s legs fully recovering were a blur. He honestly wouldn’t have been able to tell you about them if he tried.
He could, however, remember the feelings.
Cold. Hurt. Dark. Bitter. Frustrated. Lonely. Lonely. Lonely.
All he could focus on was his legs. Once his legs were healed it would all be over. All the feeling. Then he could start basketball and walk up stairs and be normal again. And everyone would stop with the stupid pitying looks and whispers and people would be able to talk to him without treating him like he was gonna shatter and it would all be normal.
Well. Hopefully. Truth be told, he should probably have considered all the shit that he’d need to smooth over and talk to people about.
Like Rich. Who he hadn’t talked to since said boy burned his house down.
Now, Jake was very reasonably, confusedly, utterly pissed. Yes, the whole evil robot thing had been explained to him. Yes, it was probably the robot making him do it. But it just…
It didn’t make sense. Jake wanted it to make sense.
But getting it to make sense meant talking to Rich. Which was scary, but he’d do it.
So once his legs were unbandaged and he was out of his wheelchair, he jumped down the stairs at the hospital and shot a text to Rich.
Today 3:24 PM
You:
we should talk. tomorrow after school at our place?
He got in his car and waited with baited breath as he waited for a response. Waited for the three scary dots.
And then...
Read, 3:26 PM
No dots.
As Jake slumped in his car seat he waited for anything to pop up. Later, back in his hotel room he waited. Eating dinner he waited. Brushing his teeth he waited.
And as he lay in bed with no response, he began to wonder if it was all in vain. Were things so fucked between them that they couldn’t even have one god damn conversation to try and sort things out?
Because truth was, Jake missed Rich. Rich meant so much to him. Rich meant the most to him. And if one more person left him hanging… what would he do with himself?
His phone, sitting on the bedside table, gave a harsh vibration and Jake startled out of his worried, half asleep state.
He told himself to not get his hopes up. His body didn’t listen, flailing desperately for his phone, the shitty hotel bed creaking under him.
Today 10:47 PM
WTF RICHARD!?:
sorry. i had to deal with my dad. yeah lets do it
A part of Jake felt a little shameful that he was more relieved over getting a positive response than he was worried about what Rich's dad had done this time. Whatever. Not all was lost. Nothing was weird.
Normal was within reach.
It was cold as shit. He should’ve said to go to Sbarro’s instead.
Still, there were so many memories that came from the warehouse. He’d bought weed from Dustin from inside that little pothole (hah, pothole) off to the side near that huge tree. And there was the car with a cracked windshield he and Chloe had had sex in once. And of course, he’d spent a lot of time with Rich here. Finding old abandoned beer and sodas in the woods and daring each other to drink them, climbing on the fence while trying not to fall and break their necks, lighting some of the few pieces of furniture inside on fire (probably won’t do that again after… yeah), and climbing on the roof for deep, stoned conversations about their problems in the early hours of the morning.
Speaking of deep conversations.
“Where should we go? For… yeah,” Rich asked, obviously dreading the impending conversation as much as Jake was.
“Uh, how about the flat part of the roof?” He shrugged. It didn’t really matter where they went, but Jake was honestly just looking for an excuse to stretch his legs. What better way to do that then a perilous climb to the top of a building?
Rich nodded and, without waiting up for him, headed for the door of the warehouse. There was a ladder on the side of the building leading to the roof that would’ve been quicker, but Rich must have decided to take the long way. Probably to postpone the inevitable. Gut twisting, Jake followed.
As he walked through the run down building, Jake remembered once again that this place would be an awesome spot for a party. Gigantic with lots of space, and far away from people and police. But Jake would probably never have one at the warehouse anyways. It was… private. His spot. Well, his and Rich’s. It was a rare occasion for anyone else but them to be there and Jake liked that secret.
They hopped up the shady stairs that felt like they would break if they pressed too much weight into a single step, crawled out the window on the second floor, and then twisted around to pull themselves on the roof.
They positioned themselves so their backs were to a gigantic rusted air vent, giving themselves a windbreak (seriously, it was so cold. Why didn’t Jake say to just stay inside? Oh well. It was too late at that point). Once they were seated and somewhat comfortable, Jake took a deep breath to calm himself and faced his friend.
Jake was still getting used to the scars. Sure, Jake had a few himself. One on the back of his calf, another on his forearm, and one more on his hip. But with Rich it wasn’t as easy to hide, though he was obviously trying to cover it up, and it tugged at Jake’s heart. On his arms, neck, one side of his face. Whatever reason Rich had set the fire aside, he’d gotten really hurt, almost died.
Jake had to remember that.
Rich also looked significantly more… more human, felt like the right word. Looking out into the silhouetted woods, his eyes were half lidded and shined with a sort of grief Jake hadn’t seen in anything but the mirror, and his lips quirked in the tiniest frown. It was all slight. The slight furrow in his brow, the slight hunch of his shoulders. He looked defeated.
“What?”
Jake had been staring. He blinked awake and looked down sheepishly at Rich, who was now focused fully on him.
“Nothing, um. It’s just really good to see you, I guess.” He avoided eye contact, “I missed you.”
Rich gave a tiny nod, as if he didn’t believe him.
“Do you wanna go fir- uh, you begin?” Rich asked.
Jake was taken slightly aback. He didn’t think Rich would want to jump into it so quickly. He was expecting some awkward small talk until they were semi-comfortable. That apparently wasn’t the case.
“Um, well… How are you doing? After… yeah?” That felt like a safe way to start.
“You can ju- you can yell at me,” Rich sighed, crossing his arms.
“Why would I yell at my best friend?” Jake’s heart panged. Yeah, he was confused and a bit angry at Rich but he would never yell at him.
“Why wouldn’t you!?” Rich snapped.
This was already going all wrong. Jake swallowed.
“Okay, well, how do you want to do this? Do you wanna, like, explain what happened on your end?”
Rich opened his mouth to supposedly do just that, but then snapped it shut and turned his whole body away from him. Jake’s stomach dropped.
“Are you just not gonna talk to me?” He asked in disbelief.
No response.
Okay, Jake thought, I can do this. I can be patient. He’s been through a lot. I can do that!
he waited.
It must have been a good ten minutes of just sitting with his back to the cold air vent, the wind biting his cheeks and nose. His hands had sucked into the sleeves of his coat to protect them from the cold and he found himself counting the stars that dotted around the moon. He was tempted to pull his phone out and entertain himself, but he didn’t want to seem like an asshole.
This wasn’t the first time he’d had to sit and wait for Rich to open up. It didn’t seem all that long ago when he’d been sitting in Rich’s room, waiting in silence for an hour for Rich to confess where his black eye had come from and why Jake couldn’t stay the night.
Just as his ass was getting sore from sitting on the concrete roof, Rich shifted next to him. He didn’t turn fully towards Jake, but he too now faced forward, staring up at the stars.
Okay, here we go. He’s gonna explain everything to me!
It was silent for another moment before Rich shivered and let out a long, shaky breath.
“I’m cold.”
Or not. Well, at least it was something.
Rich shivered again and Jake felt a little guilty. Rich wasn’t wearing much except for a sweatshirt, unlike Jake who’d came prepared with a winter jacket. It was ridiculously cold for a Friday November night; 20-something degrees.
“Here–“ Jake offered. It was the least he could do. He scooted closer to the boy next to him and slung an arm around his shoulder casually. Rich tensed up at the contact, eyes widening. That was unusual. He was usually fine with physical contact. Then again, could that even be considered the normal between them any more?
But any thought he had about pulling away eased when Rich’s shoulders slumped and he scooted closer as well. Their sides smushed together, and when Rich finally turned to face him his breath hit Jake's face in warm clouds of mist.
Rich stared up at him for a moment, eyes like a guilty dog’s, and Jake’s heart pounded.
“I’m- I-“ Rich grimaced in frustration, “I apologize.”
Jake couldn’t help the guffaw that escaped. “‘You apologize'? Dost thou require a quill for thou’s apology essay?”
“Shut up.”
It was weird. Rich wasn’t stuttering, more or less changing the sentence halfway through his thought. Jake didn’t think he’d ever seen Rich do that before.
He continued teasing. Because that was their normal. “Seriously. You talking okay, dude? This isn’t middle school social studies. You don’t have to recite the Declaration of Independence to me!”
“I said stop!”
Jake stopped.
Rich’s eyes widened and he smacked a hand over his mouth, looking away. It sounded like he was murmuring “no no no no no,” but his voice was too muffled to tell.
Meanwhile Jake was trying to figure out what he did wrong. He hadn’t taken it too far, he thought. Usually their teasing would be a lot worse than that.
“I’m so stupid!” Rich groaned. Then his eyes widened again and a yelp escaped him.
“What? Sorry, what’d I do?”
But Rich offered no explanation, just squeezed his eyes closed and curled in on himself with his jaw set shut. Back to the silent treatment, it seemed.
Frustration flared in Jake’s stomach. This wasn’t going to go anywhere if Rich didn’t tell him what the hell was happening.
“Look, I’m sorry, but can you like, cooperate here?” He asked, edge to his voice.
Apparently not. Rich looked away again, brushing Jake’s arm of his shoulder.
His stomach see-sawed. Why did that simple gesture hurt so much?
“Please,” he was getting desperate at this point, “I just want to fix whatever’s going on. I’m worried. I want my best friend back.”
“I’m not your friend.”
… What?
“.... What?”
“The per- I’m not the per- the per- the guy you’ve been hanging out with isn't- I mean- fuck!”
It may have been the cold, but Jake could have sworn he saw Rich tearing up a bit. Either way, he obviously was stressed, digging his fingers into his crossed arms and face flushing red.
Rich continued stammering through sentences, switching words left and right and swearing under his breath. Jake got really worried when his breathing picked up- becoming shallower and shallower.
“Hey, hey, Rich?” Jake asked, trying to stuff down his own panic, “look here.”
Rich turned away fully with an alarmed, “No.”
“Rich please.” When Rich didn’t cooperate, Jake reached out and grabbed him by the shoulders, turning his body to face him. Rich tried to bat his arms away. “Rich?”
The shorter boy averted his gaze, blinking back what were definitely tears viciously.
“What’s wrong?”
It took a lot of time for Rich to respond. He spent a bit of time with his eyes darting back and forth until they dropped down guiltily. Finally, he said, “My… um, my lisp.”
“What?”
“I have a lisp.”
He said it so guiltily, like he was ashamed of something so simple.
“You do?”
Rich’s eyes shot up to him and his jaw hung open. “You seriously didn’t notice?”
Jake shrugged. “I mean, now that you pointed it out, yeah. But like, is this new? Have you not had it before?”
Rich blinked blankly like a loading computer before responding, “No. Well, yeah, but um… my squip… you know what that is? It made me get rid of it.”
“Oh.”
“... you really really didn’t notice?”
“I dunno! I don’t pay attention to stuff like that.”
“Oh.” Rich slumped.
“Yeah.”
And that was that.
Seeing that Rich had calmed down, Jake let go of his shoulders and stared down at his lap. Rich didn’t make an effort to move away, which was reassuring.
Then it occurred to Jake.
“Why did it bother you so much that you had to try and hide it?”
Tension’s strings lifted Rich’s shoulders again. “Because um, I thought you’d think it was lame, I guess.”
“Oh.” It seemed kind of stupid to think, honestly. “Well, I don’t care so, that’s good news for you.”
“You don’t?”
It started to click at that point. How Rich was so distant suddenly, almost scared. Jake didn’t know everything about squips, but the ten minutes he had one told him everything.
“Did your squip make you think I would?”
The silence confirmed the theory.
Jake frowned. He didn't think he was that critical of people, was he? To the point he was judgemental of how they talked?
Before he could open his mouth, Rich spoke.
“It made me afraid of everything. It changed everything about me. I couldn’t talk like I normally did… couldn’t watch any movie I wanted without its approval. Wouldn’t even let me think about some things.” He swallowed, “The things it said to me… the things it called me… I hated myself.”
The words hung heavy in the cold air. Jake watched the cloud of steam in the air from Rich’s words dissipate.
He wasn’t done. “I forgot who I was before it, ‘cause I was so dependent on it. Jake…” He bit his lip. His next words were cautious and slow, “the guy you’ve been talking to these past three years… he wasn’t me.”
Rich’s gaze went blank after that. Jake felt uncertainty press at his chest and a genuine "oh shit" feeling overtook him.
And then in the faintest voice, Rich whispered, “But… I don’t really know who me is anymore, anyways.”
In that moment he looked so helpless. Jake had never seen Rich look so small (other than in the short sense) and so gone from reality. He couldn’t help but stare at his friend in macabre fascination.
He broke from his trance when the first tear fell down Rich’s cheek. And then he knew he had to say something.
“I do,” Jake said.
Rich snapped back into focus, rushing to wipe away his tears. “What?”
“I know who you are,” Jake said with confidence. Because he did.
Swallowing a sob, Rich looked up at him, eyes shining with tears.
“I know that you’re a huge ass nerd,” he began.
“… Didn’t I cover that up?”
Jake snorted, “Are you kidding? You should’ve seen the way your eyes lit up when I asked if you wanted to see Black Panther with me.”
Rich’s cheeks went pink, though that again could’ve been from the cold, and his eyes darted away.
“I also know that you’re a fucking memelord.”
Rich gave a noncommittal huff of laughter, eyes still cast downward.
“And… I know that you pretend to not like pineapple on pizza but then steal it from Brooke when she isn’t paying attention.”
The corners of Rich’s mouth twitched in a smile.
“And I know that you’ve always wanted to adopt a corgi so that you can have something as small and cute as you.”
“Uh, cute?” Rich's eyes went wide.
Realizing his mistake, Jake chuckled and scratched the back of his neck. “Uh, your words, not mine.”
Rich mumbled something and slumped again.
Jake took a moment before he continued, knowing things were going to get touchy. “I know that you’re scared. A lot of the time. Of a lot of things.”
Silence.
“You’re scared of fire.”
Rich went dead still.
“You’re scared of going home after school is over.” He knew not to elaborate, “And you’re scared of me.” The way Rich was cowering told him that much, “And of yourself.”
Rich was so quiet Jake might’ve thought he was dead, if not for his rapid, nervous breathing. Jake worried he went too far. That was a lot of stuff to be called out on, and Rich was already so stressed. Jake quickly tried to think of how to fix things.
Pushing the, “Are you kidding? That’s really gay, dude," thoughts aside (they were alone. It’s not like anyone would see), he decided the answer was to gently take Rich’s hands, and scoot in closer. He laced their fingers together and squoze reassuringly.
Rich gave a sound of surprise, tense like a startled deer, but made no effort to pull away. Reluctantly, he looked Jake in the eye.
Their knees were touching with how they were sitting, and their breath once again blew in each other’s face.
Jake wasn’t cold anymore.
“And I know,” he continued at last, “that you care about me just as much as I care about you.”
Rich’s eyes darted between their hands and Jake’s face. A couple more tears escaped, and he croaked out a shaky, “Jake, what-“ and then broke off, disguising a sob with a cough.
Something in Jake fluttered, urging him to lean down to Rich’s eye level. Now they were so close that Jake could see every freckle bathed in the faint moonlight.
“So, I guess you haven't been completely lying to me this whole time, huh?” Jake finished with a soft grin.
For a glorious moment there was just them, for once. Them and the heat in Jake’s chest, on the roof of a shady abandoned warehouse in the middle of nowhere. Just them and Rich’s shaky breaths fanning over him. Just them and Rich’s hands that squeezed Jake’s fingers so hard it hurt. Just Jake and Rich.
“I-“ Rich choked out, “I can’t do this.”
“What?”
Rich ripped his hands away like they burned, scooting away in a panic. “I can’t… I have to go.”
Jake suddenly felt very cold again. He thought for sure that he was doing the right thing. He’d been trying to make Rich feel better, but now he was just leaving?
“Wait, what’s going on, what’d I do!?” He asked, voice raising with every word.
“Nothing!” Rich reassured, but the tears bubbling out of him told a different story. He got to his feet, and looked down the other end of the roof, beginning to walk away. “I just.. I just gotta…”
Jake got to his feet too. There was no way he was going to lose this boy again.
His chest hammered. Memories of fire and police sirens and a note on the kitchen table explaining his parent's disappearance flashed through him, and in utter panic he blurted out, “Don’t leave me again!”
The words caught Rich’s attention. He turned back to Jake. Their eyes locked.
And that was all it took, really.
As if they were boneless, Rich’s knees buckled and he fell to the ground with a yelp.
Funny how such a simple action, such simple words could start it all.
Jake wondered briefly if he’d fainted, with the way he’d fallen. But Rich was very much conscious, as easy to see by how he was blinking back at Jake in utter horror.
The tension was gone when Rich looked away again, and began to push himself back on his feet…
And once again, fell to the ground.
This action repeated several more times. Curious, Jake slowly began to walk towards Rich until he stood right next to him, reaching out a hand.
The boy on the floor was too caught up in his own situation to notice Jake approaching. He realized the presence next to him, and looked back in fear, disregarding the hand Jake was reaching out.
“I- I can’t-“ He stammered out at last, “I can’t stand up. My legs won’t… I can’t…”
He tried to push himself up once more before giving up. He sat there, panting, before once again looking at Jake’s outstretched hand.
The gesture managed to break him completely. Rich had only a second to slam a hand over his mouth before sobs poured out of him. The floodgates were down and salty tears streamed from his eyes, his entire body shaking. Yet he didn’t look away from Jake.
Jake was completely unsure of what was going or why Rich’s legs were no longer functional. But he knew that Rich was hurting. And somehow it was his fault. And somehow he needed to fix it.
He crouched out and gently rested a hand on Rich’s shoulder.
“Hey, hey, what’s going on? What’s wrong?”
Voice cracking, Rich repeated his previous statement. “I can’t stand up. I- I don’t know why. I can’t stand…”
“That’s okay, you’re okay. I’m gonna help you.” Jake slotted an arm around Rich’s back, keeping a firm grip. “Okay, on three I’m going to stand up, and you’re gonna try and push yourself up. Okay?”
After a moment, Rich nodded.
“Okay. One, two, three.”
Rich wasn’t much help. Jake pretty much lifted him up while Rich clung on for dear life. He had no idea how he was going to get them off the roof at this rate, but he couldn’t completely afford to care. He steeled his mind and began to slowly stumble forward.
Rich clawed at his shirt, trying to upright himself. “I promise I’m trying— it just won’t—“
“Hey, you’re okay. I’ve got you, dude.”
Dodging the holes and debris and trash, Jake walked them across the building until they came to the ladder leading to the ground.
“Gonna set you down now.”
He did just that, huffing out deep breaths and letting his arms recover.
Rich looked up at him from the floor.
“You’re not gonna leave me here… are you?”
“What?” He laughed, hiding the concern that Rich genuinely thought he would do that, “No! What kind of person do you think I am? We’ll figure it out.”
Rich gave a tiny nod. “Yeah.”
Jake went over to look down the ladder. And… yeah. That was a big drop. He bit his lip and tried to think. This was gonna be pretty dangerous no matter what they did.
“Okay…” he said finally, “I’m gonna put you on my shoulders and… uh, we’re gonna climb down together and you’re just gonna use your arms, I guess.”
“That sounds like a terrible idea.”
“Won’t be the stupidest thing we’ve done.”
“True.”
They maneuvered themselves into position and began the perilous journey downwards. Jake was trying to use one hand on the ladder and one had to support Rich. And it was working, but it made him extremely nervous.
But slowly, they managed to get down most of the ladder safely. It was only when Jake’s feet were six rungs off the ground when Rich shouted, “Jake!”
That was all the warning he got before he heard the sharp ring of a hand slipping off of metal, and felt the weight on his shoulders leaning backward.
In a split second, Jake realized that Rich was going to fall no matter what. If Jake kept holding on he’d be okay.
So, of course, he let go of the rungs and twisted around, grabbing Rich by the torso and falling with him.
It wasn’t a huge drop, but hitting the ground still knocked the breath out of them. Jake hoped he’d been able to break Rich’s fall a little bit.
“Sorry…” Rich muttered, coughing. He rolled off of Jake’s chest.
“Nah, you’re good. You okay?”
“Yeah, yeah. You?”
“I’m fine.” Jake forced himself to stand up. “Ready to keep moving?”
Rich held out a hand. Jake pulled him up, his muscles groaning at him, and continued to walk again.
Jake’s car wasn’t too far, just a little through the forest, but with their snail pace it felt like it was miles out of reach.
The walk was mostly silent, save for the sounds of the night. But another thing Jake knew about Rich was that he could never shut up for long. So he wasn’t surprised when he was the first to break the silence.
“Why are you doing this?” He murmured in disbelief, “I’ve been such an asshole to you. Just… why?”
Jake slowed his steps down and thought about it. Rich wasn’t entirely wrong. Why?
“Because…” he started, trailing off and turning his head to look at the boy latched onto his shoulder.
And… well, there was Rich. Rich’s familiar brown eyes that seemed so deep and tired up close. Rich’s mouth and cheeks and nose. Jake’s Rich. The one that was always there, even through the squip.
He was doing it… because it was Rich.
And… well…
A firework of warmth and butterflies exploded in his stomach and shot down to his legs, turning them to warm gelatin. His legs went limp and sent them crashing to the floor.
Jake barely had time to think about his legs and whether or not they’d just magically broken again. He was too busy with his face buried in Rich’s chest on the forest floor. There was nothing in his head except for “Rich.” That and the opposing tugs at each side of his heart, one that yelled “What— what the shit is going on!? Your legs, and Rich, what!?” and the other that calmly said, “Of course it’s him, you dumbass.”
“Jake…?”
He tried to stand, or even just sit up at Rich’s tone, but his legs just… didn’t work.
He pushed himself up using his already exhausted arms and looked down at Rich’s shadowed face. The position they were in was rather compromising, and Jake’s core, in the pit of his stomach, whined a little in awareness.
Rich’s eyes were searching for a confirmation and little whimpery breaths came out of him.
“So, um…” he asked, swallowing, “You... you too?”
It took Jake a moment to realize what he was asking. And then he managed to piece together what had just happened, and why his legs were once again out of commission despite just healing, and why his heart was hammering so hard.
A cocky grin bloomed across his face. “Did you seriously have to fall for me on the roof? Couldn’t have waited to be seduced until we got down here?”
Rich sputtered out sounds that could have been various different words.
“Uh… yeah. Me too.” Jake shrugged. He hoped that sufficed for an answer.
Rich’s voice cracked when he spoke. “Wow. Cool.”
“Yeah. Cool.”
Despite his heart wanting to stay there with Rich forever (especially in this position), his rational mind took over for a moment. “Wait… so… how are we gonna get home?”
Rich’s face fell. “You’re seriously thinking about that now?”
“Yeah? It’s important? Are we gonna drag ourselves to the car? How-“
He was cut off when Rich grabbed the back of his head and pushed him down, their lips smashing together. Jake mmph-ed, but smiled into the kiss nonetheless. He leaned down on his elbows to get closer as Rich’s hands dragged down to his neck, his back, caressing his sides, down down down. Jake lifted a hand to his cheek and gave a soft bite to his lip, chest shaking in laughter. Rich squeaked...
And… well.