Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Who's the girl at the bar?" Jafar noted as they walked into the club. "Doesn't she know that's my seat?"

Hook looked up from the floor and was met with the usual crowd – minions, TV villains, and a few of the heavy hitters like himself. Times have always been hard for the villains – the lack of greater merchandise revenue had always put a damper on their income – but at least here in this club they had the solidarity of the miserable. Which is why an outsider drew eyes. True, she was wearing black but her nose didn't go on for an inch or so and she looked younger than 30. Odds where she was a hero; maybe one of those new "hip" heroes the Mouse was supporting. God knows they're still playing the Moana soundtrack on the radio.

"Seems we have a lass in need of a lesson," Hook remarked, "let me do the talking,"

Striding up, he sat in the booth next to her and faced towards her. "You're new here, lass, so I’ll keep this brief; what makes you think you have the right to sit with us?"

Slowly she looked up from her mug of beer, staring heavy in the eyes of the pirate captain. "You ever…ever…" and then she giggled. A glaze hung over her eyes; she was barely able to sit up in her seat. "Hi; I'm Kairi," followed by a mighty belch that filled Hook's nose with a nasty aroma.

"Kairi?" Hook looked over to Jafar, who eyes were wide. He paused for a second, "Wait, wasn't she the friend of that scurvy-"

And then Kairi threw up on him.
_

"Well, it took me a minute to remember, but yes – she's the Seventh Princess of the Heart." Hook came into the room with a new coat. "Question is; why is she in our part of town?"

For her safety and their own reputations, they quickly hustled her out of the Vogue before more eyes could be drawn and relocated to the most sensible place they could imagine; Jafar’s apartment.

"She's still unconscious; maybe we could hold her for ransom?" Jafar suggested. He sat by the bed, Kairi's still form lightly breathing in the sheets.

"I'm not in the mood to fight off the entire hero's roster just for a few dollars more. We'll just make her buy a round to pay for us carting her off safely."

"Good plan," Jafar agreed, "though I don't know if she will feel particularly chatty if she wakes up with two villains by her bedside-"

"Shut-up and close the blinds, you jerks," Kairi murmured, stirring awake long enough to pull the blankets up above her head.

"I don't take orders from a peasant," Jafar replied, "though I do have some demands of my own!"

"No; now is quiet time," and she fortified herself deeper into the blanket.

"Excuse me?!" Jafar put a hand to his chest, wounded.

"She's hungover; give her a break." Hook walked over to close the blinds. With the room dimmed, he walked over to the bed and looked down. "Better?"

"Better," came a muffled sound.

"Good; I'm going to work," and with that he walked out the front door. “We’ll settle this matter later.”

“Wait, this matter isn’t settled! How am I supposed to-” Jafar began to rise, but Hook had already cleared the distance and left the problem of the teenager to his unfortunate companion.

Jafar sighed. "Always a gentleman." He looked at the sleeping form of Kairi, a heavy weight shifting on his shoulders. So this is what Atlas felt? He certainly was more qualified to hold up the world than handle a teenager - a Hero for that matter. He got up himself and left for the bathroom, his footsteps echoing off until they were no more.

Kairi peeked out. Alone, finally. Slowly she crept up and looked around. The two men were loud, but as the alcohol began to pass through his system she began to come to terms with where she was.

The place was packed with literature and empty bottles; an apartment for a bachelor who loved books and wine too much. The air was tinted with overpriced hookah aroma.There was no phone she could use to call for a ride, and so she got up and shuffled over to the sink.

Perhaps some water would help her think. Above the sink she opened the cabinet. To the renter’s credit the glasses were clean. She turned on the tap, poured herself a glass of water and began to sip the holy grail that promise to save her skull from the damnation of a hangover.

She was surprised; she didn't show it but she was awake before they noticed. All her training had told her that waking up surrounded by two villains meant she was kidnapped but now they just didn't care enough to even put in the effort to watch her while she slept. Lazy? Perhaps, but…

Her eyes caught sight of another pair of eyes looking at her from the shadow. A heartless Shadow, with its round head and large, yellow eyes gazing at her curiously.

Jafar heard the crash and the "HI-YAH!" that followed shortly after. “Shit,” he swore, looking up to the Heavens. "Walter Elias Disney... why?"

Running over, he was greeted by the sight of Kairi, keyblade in hand, swinging the aforementioned weapon around in an attempt to squish the hapless Shadow.

"Kairi! Kairi, stop!" he growled, as Kairi took out the table and about 10 books worth more than Mickey's shorts. The little Shadow, frightened, ran to its master and cowered between his legs. Kairi ran up, screaming, when Jafar threw up a force field. Kairi's blow shook the shield, her body quivering from the reflection. Panting hard, she looked upon the sorcerer.

"Don't kill my pet!" Jafar roared.

A flush of red filled her cheeks and she suddenly realized her folly. "Oh…sorry,"
_

Hook was back later that evening, stepping in to see that Jafar was down a table and about 10 books worth more than Mickey's shorts were gone. In their place was a sheepish-looking Kairi, a frightened heartless hiding behind Jafar, and the man himself standing there looking quite peeved.

"She saw Dobbie?"

"She saw Dobbie, and then she tried to killed Dobbie with her oversized key."

Hook sighed; 8-hour shift on patrol followed by this. This is why he didn't like people under the canonical age of 30.

Kairi spoke up, but it was more like a mumble. "I'll cover the losses, and I'll pay for a bottle of wine. For taking me safely home."

"Yes," Hook spoke up, "and you also get to answer for me a question that I've been wanting to know since I left work; what the blazes are you doing getting drunk in a Villain’s club? Because scuttlebutt around the docks says that you're AWOL from all public sightings."

Kairi looked up from the floor. "I…" then she looked back to the floor. "I wanted to…" then she looked up again. "I wanted to try…" then she looked down at the floor, where she looked at her shoe like it held the secrets to the universe.

"You've never drank before, have you?" Hook attempted to fill in the blanks.

"…no," she confessed, "along with many other things. The life of a Hero is…dull."

"Well, now you've seen the other side. Unless you plan to pay rent, you should be getting back to your life or…whatever else your bad-idea-train is taking you."

"Actually…" she slammed her hands on hip and showed the biggest smile, puffing out the chest with as much false confidence as it could store. "Can I hang out with you guys?!”

Chapter Text

“No,” Jafar declared, crossing his bony arms like his word was law. “If the other Villains find out, we’ll never be able to show our face in polite or impolite society again.”

“She could help pay The Debt off,” Hook suggested, “she has to be making chests of gold with merchandise alone. Not to mention game deals.”

The front door swung open, and in hopped Facilier like a skeleton who was about to sell you on a used vacuum cleaner. “Shit went down, didn’t it?” His grin couldn't get any wider.

“Don’t make this worse than it has to be!” Jafar pointed a finger at the witch doctor, “Anyway, Pete’s not going to let us work with a Hero on principle.”

“He doesn’t have to know,” Facilier grinned, putting his briefcase down, “We could put her in disguise.”

“And how did you know before we even told you?” Jafar inquired.

“You should know the Shadows love to talk to me,” and he gave a wink to the sorcerer, who rolled his eyes in response. “Plus,” he continued. “This could be our one opportunity to corrupt a hapless young maiden into being our sex slave.” He rubbed his hands greedily.

“I’m going to nix that idea in the bud,” Hook spoke with authority, “and make you a counter-offer; The Debt still hangs over this house. Until it’s gone, we can’t move on without Pete capturing us and sell us into prostitution or whatever cruel idea he has. Now, what’s the one thing a Hero has that a Villain doesn’t?”

“They always win in the end,” The two others said in unison.

“If we get her to join us, we could drastically raise our chances of our jobs going successfully. We just can’t let her know we’re committing crimes.”

“Going to be hard to keep it a secret.” Jafar noted, “she’s a Hero, after all,”

“Where is the girl at, anyway?” Facilier asked.

“In the other room, playing with Dobbie,” Hook noted.

“Ooh, Man Number Rule 27 – Never let a girl play with your pet,” Facilier exclaimed, "Pet’s liable to betray you. I got stabbed by my dog once just because some brunette I was dating at the time told him he was cute.”

“To be fair I’d stab you if a beautiful wench told me I was the best boy,” Hook responded.

“True that,” the witch doctor agreed, "Anyway, so we start her on small jobs; the ones that look least shifty. Even if that’s all she does, she’d be making more money than when it was just us.”

Jafar twisted his beard, “Good point, but we should wait until Frollo gets here.”

The front door swung open again, and in came Frollo...dressed in a clown suit and adorned with a red wig and classic make-up design. “and I think it’s the most foolish idea you three have ever concocted.”

“Don’t act like I'm a part of this, Ronald Mcdonald!” Jafar cried.

“Too late; the wheels in your venomous eyes are beginning to turn. And at least Ronald can keep a job. ” Frollo began to take the wig off, throwing it to the table. Or where the table would be if it was still there. He looked upon the sad, red wig on the ground.

“Are we that poor that we sold our table?” he gloomily asked.

“No; Kairi took it out when she thought Dobbie was going to kill her,” Hook answered.

A heavy sigh fell from the hoary-headed man. “I'm pretty sure my only copy of the Malleus Maleficarum was on there. Is that gone too?”

“Probably, but it's an objectively wrong book and it will not be missed,” Jafar hissed.

Frollo’s shoulders fell more into the floor, and at this rate were threatening to go through it. “We can’t have the girl. She’s just going to make things even harder for us in the long run.”

“I won’t,” came the determined voice of Kairi. She stood in the doorway, holding Dobbie like a small puppy. A little pink bow was adorned to its antennae.

“Dobbie’s gonna stab you so hard,” Facilier whispered to Jafar.

Kairi continued. “I know I’m not much to you now but give me a chance and I’ll prove myself to you.”

Frollo groaned and looked at Hook, though the captain could hardly feel threatened when his accuser was wearing clown makeup. Still, he knew he was at a crossroads.

“Look lass...why us? Why,” he beckoned to Jafar’s apartment. “Why here?”

“Well,” she thought for a moment, “I need a change of pace. I’ve lived my whole life doing what I was supposed to be doing and never asking if it was what I wanted to do. As a Hero and as a Princess of the Heart I’m supposed to be pure and perfect. But I never wanted to be that. I just wanted to be me. Like I was back on Destiny Island. Travel the world, make new friends. Experience what it means to be alive!”

Like on cue, a stream of light shined through the window and landed on her, making her appear as if a saint or angel.

Jafar looked over to Facilier. "Are you actually tearing up?” he whispered.

“No, asshole.” the witch doctor rubbed his eye, “I just took a ray of sunlight to the cornea!”

“Charming story and all,” Hook spoke, shading his face from the radiance. “but we’re thieves.”

“Rogues,” Frollo said.

“Swindlers,” Jafar added.

“Prone to kidnapping children, sexual harassment, deals with demons, and burning large cities in an attempt to enslave beautiful gypsy women,” Facilier topped off.

The three men looked at Facilier, who beamed with wicked pride.

“Regardless,” Hook finished, “you’re not cut out for this life...as it seems,”

Jafar and Frollo glared daggers at Hook.

“So, it’s only fair as president of this crew that we offer you a chance to prove your worth.”

Kairi burst into a smile, a smile so radiant it started to make the gray wallpaper look colorful.

“This is foolishness, Hook!” Frollo decried.

“No, this is democracy,” Hook replied, “which is next to foolishness but above religion. Kairi,” Hook began, “I vote to give you a chance to join us as our fifth crewmember.”

“And I second the motion,” the witch doctor spoke up.

“Nay!” cried Frollo, “We are not making a sinner out of saint.”

The three men looked to Jafar. He began to speak, and perhaps the syllables were starting to form. Just then, he looked at Kairi. Her blue eyes hit him like bolts of lightning. He felt like he'd been hit by a train made of cotton candy on a rail made of rainbows. This was not the work of a girl, but an angel hellbent on making the world a happier place.

Truly, true kindness lurked in that heart. A most despicable thing.

“Fuuuuuu-iiiiine. Let the brat prove herself!”

Frollo groaned. Hook shook Jafar’s hand, Facilier shook Kairi’s hand, and Dobbie was just happy the new master gave him a bow. Maybe happy; it's hard to tell. He doesn't have expressive facial features after all.

Chapter Text

“Based on the number of books you slaughtered, we know you can fight,” Facilier began, “so that leaves you with the scoundrel's other favorite friend; flight.”

The alley way stank of yesterday’s cheeseburgers, today’s tacos, and an aroma Facilier was sure was a dead body. Kairi was bouncing on her feet like a character in a fighting game, ready to take on the world and everything in it. The three others sat by on improvised benches of trash cans and old boxes as the Shadowman gave the rundown.

“My challenge is to see if you can hide,” Facilier pulled out a stopwatch. “Now that you’re with us, you got to work like us. Every Villain can hide at the drop of a hat, and so you must be able to as well."

Kairi’s brow tightened, her game face on for the world to see.

“I’ll give you 15 minutes head start,” the witch doctor declared, “If you can hide for 3 hours, I'll say you won. Deal?"

Kairi nodded.

"GO!"

She took off, running down the alley way and off into the right. Facilier looked at the stopwatch and nodded. "Well, time is relative and all that, so I say it's passed 15 minutes now."

"Don't you think that's a little unfair, doctor?" Hook asked.

"World ain't fair," Facilier snapped his fingers and three Shadows popped from the ground. "Find me the girl." he ordered lazily, waving his hand forth. Back into the dark they slipped. "Anyway, if she gives a good enough chase, I'll count that as a win."

"You're the soul of generosity," Hook scoffed.

Two hours passed, and suddenly the soul of generosity was looking mighty impatient.

"She's cheating somehow," Facilier declared at the 2-hour mark, pacing around the alley like a surly cat..

"World's unfair, doctor," Hook remarked.

"Yeah, yeah, eat it up you jerk," the witch doctor walked into the closest shadow, vanishing from sight. His world became shadow and smoke; a palette of whites, grays and occasional blacks. Before him the town was laid bare; the shuffling souls appearing like shades through this realm. The buildings were shimmering constructs, the clouds breaking up like old celluloid on its last legs. Figments of the dreamers all. Not a single thing here was real; all was the shadow of some greater light. Even the stars were just the dreaming of children asleep in reality. Once he thought he left Plato's cave; left the streets of New Orleans and learned the ways of the left hand, of shadow magic. Now he realized he was the projection on the cave wall. Here was the true heart of Disney Town; the capital of the Mouse Kingdom.

Fool's gold.

Void.

Funny how little everything matters, no matter how ‘real’ it seems.

No pleasure but meanness, he once read.

“So true,” He stepped his way through the shadows, like a spider on a web. This was his home; this realm of lies. No light could hide from him for long. He plucked the strings around him, feeling their vibration, feeling the astral wind play upon them.

Where the hell was that girl!? A light as bright as hers should be somewhere around here!

Past the theaters, the malls, the sidewalks and the mansions he crept. Where could she be, where could she be!?

The ringer went off. 3 hours had passed and he crept back to the alleyway. His companions gazed at him with amused expressions.

"Yeah, yeah, she won." he looked harder at the team, who were suddenly trying their best to hold back a smile. "Wait...you know where she is, don't you?"

-

He couldn't believe it. In the living room, on the couch, there she was sitting there with a book and Dobbie in her lap.

"You were in the apartment the entire time?!"

"Yeah; all I had to do was have Dobbie on my lap and no one would see my aura with his."
Dobbie, unwittingly, waved hi to Facilier. The pet had betrayed him.

"I'mma punch you one day, Dobs,"

Jafar laughed out loud. “What was that about pets and girls?”

“I’mma punch you now.”

“Wait, what- URH!”

Chapter Text

“So, how do we test her now?” Facilier asked, drinking from a goblet of wine in his hand. Dinner had been a small affair of spaghetti as the three gathered around the table.

“I’d be damned if I know,” Hook replied, sitting across from him. He looked over Facilier to see Kairi nestled on the couch in a pile of blankets, Dobbie in her arms. She’d fallen asleep an hour ago and this had given the gathering a chance to discuss. “Lass is a bright swordsman. She’s clever. I don’t think we really have to worry about her merits.”

“So then why does she want to work with us?” Frollo said, “She should be off fighting monsters or helping Mickey control the Kingdom.”

“She offered to help with the debt,” Jafar answered, “do we need more reason?”

A shared, exasperated sigh left the Quartet.

Hook finally looked up from his empty plate. “We’re a rabble of bounty hunters and glorified errand boys with hardly a cent to our name. I for one would like a good reason, even if I like the girl.”

Jafar grumbled. “I know, but this is the first chance we’ve had for some legitimacy. She could be a path to better hero-villain relations.”

“You know as well as I that it isn't going to sail as smoothly as you think,” Hook replied.

Jafar wasn’t hearing them though. He continued, “We would finally earn some respect for once, be invited to the nice parties and perhaps get somebody to fill an official role! Gasp! WE COULD GET OUR OWN CASTLE!”

“I lost him,” Hook looked to his remaining compatriots.

“Let’s be real; he ain’t the most grounded individual to begin with,” Facilier answered.

A loud knock came at the door. Everyone’s eyes turned to the door.

“Is that yo’ drug dealer, or do we got ourselves a situation?” Facilier whispered, reaching into his vest.

“No…” Jafar whispered back, slipping a hand over to his staff that leaned on the wall, “I’m still stocked up on pixie dust,”

Frollo slipped a dagger out of his robes. He nodded to Hook, who followed behind him. As they approached the door, another knock came forth. Stacked on both sides of the door, the two men nodded to each other.

The wall by Frollo burst open. The man was sent flying as Goofy came charging in like a rhino, Sora rolled in behind him and Donald cast a shard of ice. Goofy slammed Frollo into the wall across from the door, while Hook crossed blades with keyblade wielder. Donald had missed entirely and only managed to take out a potted plant. “My chrysanthemums!” Jafar cried.

In all the commotion, Kairi leapt up, grabbing her own keyblade.

“Where’s Kairi!?” Sora demanded.

Hook looked at him in disbelief, waving a claw at the girl. “Right there, you brat!”

Sora was momentarily stunned, along with Donald and Goofy who looked over to Kairi, shocked as they were.

“Guys, what are you doing!?” Kairi cried.

“Saving...you?” Sora replied, his bravade fading into confusion. He unlocked swords with Hook and walked over to her.

“I told you I was going on a break!” she exclaimed, “I just needed some time away from...Hero stuff.”

“But how was I supposed to know from a letter!?!” He asked

“Well...I didn’t want to tell you I was going out to...try new things.” Kairi rubbed her arms. “Like...alcohol. And getting to know... new... people.”

Sora looked around, mouth open, at the room full of people he’s either beaten unconscious or wouldn’t trust a nickel with, not to mention a best friend.

“I don’t get it; what's wrong with us?” he motioned to Donald and Goofy. “What about Riku?”

“He’s...well...Sora, I needed a break. I can’t keep going on adventures and fighting monsters. I’m tired. I want a change of pace. I want to be something other than what I’ve been.” she took his hand, “you’ll always be my friend,”

“With benefits” Facilier whispered to Jafar, who was still in shock over his chrysanthemums.

“but I need you to trust me. Okay, Sora?” and she gave him a smile.

Sora’s face lightened, and he tried to give her his best smile. “Yeah, sure...just...Kairi, don’t let them take your heart, ok?”

She nodded, though her brow furrowed a bit. “Ok,”

She let go and Sora looked around one more time. He gave his best smile. “Sorry,” and then backtracked. Donald growled one more time at everyone before following Sora, while Goofy still had Frollo pinned to the wall.

“Sir Goofy, if you don’t mind,” Frollo squeaked out from behind the wall.

“Oh, yeah,” and he pulled back so Frollo could slide to the floor. Then he pulled his shield back and cracked Frollo over the head, knocking him unconscious. “That’s for being a racist pervert,” before heading out the hole he made.

“Yep, haven’t heard that one before,” Frollo sprawled out on the floor, head ringing as he stared up at the ceiling in a mix of existential and bodily pain.

“Hold up; what about my wall?” Jafar cried, chasing after them out the hole, “what about my wall, you rats!?”

Facilier walked up to Frollo, who was just starting to come to. “Some mother-huggers have all the fun, huh?”

“Go to hell,”

Hook, for his part, looked to Kairi. “So...you think he’s going to be ok?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m sure!” Kairi chimed. “He just needs some to adjust.”

-

A lone table, etched in ancient ruins, sat in a dark room, lit only by a spotlight. Surrounding, shadows of greater things yet to come.

“She turned Sora down,” one figure said, “We will have to step up our attempts to get her back on the path,”

“Should we send Riku?” another spoke.

“Not yet...we must erode her faith in the villains. It’s time to show her who she’s truly working with.”

Chapter Text

“Everything good in life begins with the pursuit of power.”

Kairi and Jafar walked to the library, drawing the occasional eye of surprise to see the sorcerer walking alongside the guardian of light. While the rest of the Quartet were off galavanting to some mysterious tasks in preparation for their next scheme - a scheme Kairi was still not being told the details on - she was invited to join Jafar on a library trip. Having not been around Disney Town that much, and anxious for the chance to read something new, she’d accepted his offer.

She was not, however, accepting his line of thought.

“I don’t think that’s right,” Kairi replied.

“What you think and what is true can differ.” he shot her down, “the first step to power is knowledge; to be informed of the world is to be a step above the average mud that sinks to the bottom of the river,”

Kairi pondered for a second. “I think this is why you don’t have many friends,”

“A blessing in disguise. Most people are delusional fools. Consider knowledge as a liberating force, lifting your burdens until you float almost effortlessly above your foes and sycophants-!”

“Now I know this is why you don’t have many friends,” is what Kairi knew better than to say out loud.

“-now, we’ve arrived.”

The massive library - more like a cathedral! - was built from a center, which consisted of a Renaissance-styled dome with two smaller wings pushing off to the wide. Engraved in the stones were wizards and geniuses of great notoriety - Merlin, Yensid, Ludwig Von Drake, the likes. It would have fit perfectly into Radiant Garden’s skyline!

“Today, you’re going to learn what it means to be a villain.”

She looked at him confused. ‘I already know what villains do. They’re evil schemers… of stories and such!” she hastily added.

“You mistake evil for villainous.” He entered the library, pushing the massive door aside. Kairi rushed in after him.

“But isn’t that what you do? It’s defined by action,” she responded. Her eyes glanced above, the interior of the dome a classical-style painting. Muses of the Greeks were painted above, harkening to the arts and knowledge such a place would hold.

“Yes, because words are defined by people as much as we are defined by them.” he answered, turning around in the center of the structure. “Do you see these halls?” he motioned to the left and right of him.

“Of course”

“Now,” he continued, “find me what the word ‘villain’ originally meant. While you do that, I must go and commune with an old friend.”

He stepped off down the lanes and lanes of books, leaving Kairi alone in the silent, echoing halls. She cautiously approached the first alley to her left, brushing her hand over the massive, stone bookshelf. “A-B” was listed on it, with gold lettering on a marble plaque.

She ran her hand over the stonework, it’s smooth surface letting her fingers slide over them. Like this she began her journey, pouring over books and books. She was, by nature, a good and eager student. Yet there were books here thicker than the heads of men! Where was she to begin?

“You need help.” A stern voice came from behind.

“Oh, I was looking for-” she turned to meet the tall, spire-like form of the Dark Fairy...Maleficent! She summoned her keyblade, taking a fighter’s stance.

“What do you want?!” The young warrior’s words shot out of her mouth..

“Nothing violent, I assure you,” Maleficent spoke evenly, “Just wondering what I can do to help a Princess of the Heart?.”

Maleficent’s eyes were like a cat’s, having found it’s favorite prey in a corner and allowed it to play with it’s life for as long as she wanted...though, in Maleficent’ defense, that was her regular face too.

Kairi let her body relax, just a bit. Friendly caution. “I was looking for a book on...the origin of the word ‘villain’.”

A sly smile crossed her lips. “Oh, so that’s why Jafar has you here?” the Dark Fairy beckoned Kairi her way, her walk taking her down the long halls.

Kairi lowered her guard, keyblade still in hand, as she quietly followed. She felt dwarfed by the world around her. Her desire for open skies and sea winds came upon her.

Had it been a fight, that would be easy, but Kairi was here to learn and Maleficent seemed polite so there was no need for violence.That now left her suspicious, for though she had warmed up quickly to the men’s antics she was no friend nor even remotely aware of Maleficent’s desires.

“Tell me, oh Princess, do you enjoy the company of the Quartet?” she asked.

“Do you mean the men?”

“Sharp one, how right,” Maleficent teased, never breaking her stride. Kairi popped up next to her, frowning at her remark. “Before the Duo, the Trio, and now the Quartet - the poor Captain has a way of choosing his friends poorly recently.”

Kairi felt face heat up. “Yes,” she replied sharply, “at least they are polite,”

“You think you earn respect by existing?” A bubble of laughter popped from her throat,, “How quaint!”

Kairi held her tongue and countered with silence, gauging the older women. “I merit enough to attract your attention, so perhaps I’m more respectable than you say. Or perhaps you are not as great as you pretend to be.”

Maleficent’s eyes narrowed, piercing daggers at her. “You’ve come here to talk about etymology, have you?” Maleficent took them to a staircase, where the rising steps were flanked on their left by a series of stained-glass windows. “Tell me, Princess, what do these windows depict?”

Kairi looked upon them. “The arrival of High King Mickey upon the Disney World, his expansion into the stars of the Fantasia, Walt’s Death, uniting the Marvel and Star War worlds. Stuff like that.”

Maleficent smiled, “and what is missing here?”

Kairi glared at her, and then upon the windows. Her eyes strained. “There’s the Arrival, the first Voyage, uniting the Worlds...nothing, nothing is missing.” Kairi was beginning to wonder if this was a trick.

Maleficent raised her hand and pointed to the first, the second, and onwards all the way up the stairs. With each motion she spoke her damnation. “There. Are. No. Villains.”

The young girl’s eyes widened, then narrowed. She stared hard at the works. Not a single face she could see belonged to their ranks. Like Maleficent said, no villain was present. Even in defeat they were not shown.

“Yes,” and Kairi looked back at her, “but why point this out?”

Maleficent’s lips curled up in what could be graciously called a smil. “Think upon it,” she then pointed to the rows of books. “Down that way, in the third corridor, is a book labeled The Origin of Words by Eugene Huxley. It’s your standard etymological text but it should do you well” And like that she stepped to the side, a portal to darkness opening and letting her vanish from sight.

Kairi stood there and looked upon the ascending staircase, the morning light illuminating the windows with a heavenly glow.

When she finished her reading and came back to the center, she discovered Jafar standing there awaiting her.

“A villain was meant to refer to a peasant or someone poorer than a knight.” she spoke.

“Good.”

“I ran into a friend of yours.”

Jafar raised a brow. Kairi seemed a smidge uneasy in her skin when last he saw her. “Maleficent spoke to you, didn’t she?”

“Yes, but how did you know so quickly?”

“Most of my friends are laughable to say the least. Dangerous, yes, but not for you. She’s the exception, and also she enjoys butting her nose into other’s business…”

He began to stare off into space. “Her sharp….elegantly carved nose…”

Kairi’s eyes went wide, horror stricken. “You think she’s hot?!”

“Yes? No! Maybe?” he sputtered like a firecracker, “it's complicated!”

Kairi shivered at fear of ever thinking such a cruel woman was attractive in any measure. Perhaps to a villain, but certainly not to her.

“Yes, but why?” Kairi folded her arms, looking up at the muses above them.

Jafar shrugged. “What did she say?”

“She had me look at the art...the building…”

Her gaze wandered over the walls one more time, the stained glass and the stone.

“Who commissioned this building?”

Jafar scowled “The King Mouse himself, of course. He decides the fate of all of us in this Kingdom of Illusions.”

Funny...she’d heard Villains call it that, rather than the Kingdom of Dreams she’d so often heard Heros says.

Kairi looked at Jafar and finally just managed to huff out a defeated breath.. “He who has the gold makes the rules, right?”

Jafar darkly chuckled at hearing his words back at him. “And absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

“First hand experience, huh?”

“I lost on a legality, which doesn’t count as a real show of my merits!” he waved his robe dramatically. “Come, let’s go. We have much to do.”

As the two walked out, Kairi looked over the edifice one last time. There was Mickey, his glorious companions, occasionally some great prince or princess...

She didn’t see herself in the art either.

Chapter Text

“‘Munk-Chunkin? What’s that?” From Kairi’s seat in the back of the car, she felt cornered by two lunatics.

“Finest art in all of creation; the best ‘worst’ idea ever conceived of,” the witch doctor turned from the passenger towards the young Guardian. In the driver’s seat Jafar cruised down the street, throwing his words over his shoulder.

“Yes,” the sorcerer added as if talkin about an evening of football, “it’s highly illegal, frowned upon by all righteous society, and probably the best waste of an evening ever found.”

Facilier leaned in almost giddy-like. “Competitors train for months, finding chipmunks mentally brave enough or foolish enough to not run when they have the chance. They then begin the grueling process of launching the chipmunk over and over, farther and farther until judging whether it will have the strength of will to survive regardless of how far or fast you throw it.”

“You see,” Jafar explained,“the only way you can score is based on the distance the chipmunk can fly and if your chipmunk is alive after the launch. You start its training by throwing it by hand before moving up to things like slingshots and small catapults.”

“Before you really test it’s will to live,” Facilier grinned, “the Munk-uchet! Made by a clan of dishonored carpenters and dark sorcerers whose only means of income is to bind the souls of demons to weapons of wars. These mad monks make the aforementioned weapon in such a manner so that the chipmunks fly farther than their small bodies could allow. Each year the Munk-uchet is upgraded and further infused with dark magic until finally a single shot from this thing can not only send the chipmunk flying for miles upon miles, but that the very ground beneath the machine bends and breaks!”

Kairi’s eyes were locked in wide terror and utter confusion. “So, you’re telling me that we’re going to watch chipmunks be fired out of trebuchets for entertainment?!”

“No, no, no cherie,” Facilier answered with a hand to his chest and an innocent smile, “We are horrible men but we have standards. We’re watching chipmunks be fired out of trebuchets - willing or unwilling - for PROFIT!”

Ah, there’s the catch, she thought. “So we’re gambling?”

“Oh, quite so,” Jafar replied, “we stand to make a substantial profit to pay off The Debt to Pete.”

“And how can you be certain the odds will be in your favor?” Kairi asked,

“We’re entering our own candidate in,” Facilier replied, “and we’re gonna sabotage the other competitors.”

“But that’s wrong!”

The two men exchanged a quick look. “Everyone else will be doing it, so we’re only responding in kind.” Jafar attempted to placate her.

Okay, so she was getting it. It was an illegal sport full of crime and villainy. To be expected. But then “What about the poor chipmunks?!”

The Shadowman frowned. “Look…kid, “I’m gonna level with you. It’s competitive, painful and full of twists and turns. That’s why people like it. That’s why it turns a profit. Like dog fighting!”

Kairi shrieked, “How can you approve of dog-fighting!?”

Facilier groaned, and Jafar rolled his eyes. The sorcerer looked at her through the rearview mirror. “I can drop you off and you can walk home or take a taxi. Nobody’s forcing you to go, and we don’t have time to handle this. We win this and we can pay off half a year’s’ interest to Pete.”

Kairi stopped. Hmm…so she couldn’t change their minds through pleading. They weren’t going to budge; minds were made up. Their survival was on the line, and she understood that even if she wasn’t sure how much Pete was actually charging them. She didn’t even know how big this legendary debt was.

But those chipmunks! Who would protect them? It would have to be her. They have to be held somewhere. She’d have to sabotage the effort. Save the wildlife. Show the villains that it’s better to help than harm.

And yet...they still needed the money. And for all their flaws the Quartet had been (relatively) well-mannered for her. And she had chosen to join their mercenary ways, to see life on the rough side of the tracks.

So maybe if their candidate was fired before all the others, and then there was a mysterious series of accidents that destroyed the rest of the cages...

Yes, even as a “mercenary” she had a right to follow her moral compass. If no one else was going to stop this , she would!

“No, I actually think I’m good now, let’s go make some money!” she smiled, innocently….too innocently. They glanced at each other for a moment.

“Well, then…” Jafar said, “to the event!” but both men knew better. The girl’s blue eyes whirled like…whirlpools. Whirlpools of deceit. She was going to do something…they just didn’t know what.

Neither, entirely, did she.

-

They drove on for a little longer, out into the countryside where the farms and wagons roamed. For Kairi it was still strange how quick the dynamic changes of this world took place.

You had Disney Castle, and from there the uneasy mix of medieval and urban cityscape that formed the capital and then straight into the farms, canals, and dreams of old America. The dreams of decades of animators and storytellers laid forth for her eyes to see. She wondered if this was what it was like to be real, to be constantly assailed by the different versions of humanity.

On Destiny Island it was one aesthetic, and on other worlds it was much the same. A fantasy world was a fantasy world, a science fiction world was a science fiction world. Here, though, at the center of the Disney Empire she found a strange facsimile of reality. So why was being so close to being real exciting yet scary?

Suddenly Jafar took a right turn, diving off the road down a dirt trail that reminded Kairi of a horror story Riku told her once. Into the back hollow of a small town, through an old mining town now abandoned. Jafar drove through town, then took a turn over a rail and towards a mining tunnel.

“Wait, are we really going in-!“ she began, but they were into the tunnel before she could finish. It was smoother than she expected, and as they drove on and on into the dark, she could feel the magic in the air, a changing sort of spell. Then, a light from beyond.

They exited out of the tunnel, and before them miles and miles of desert laid before them them. It was night here now, lit by a full moon and all around the lunar lady her court of stars shined bright.

Breaking this natural beauty was a sprawling parking lot and an amphitheater of sorts, where in the middle sat the world’s ugliest and biggest trebuchet. It was 36 stories high if she was to guess, with timbers black and metal binding it that seemed copper in color but exceptionally bright. In the many beams were carved ancient ruins that hurt Kairi’s eyes to look upon for too long.

The machine before them suddenly lurched, and massive chains shook

“All this to fire a chipmunk?” The words fell out without her noticing them.

“No, all this for money,” Jafar reminded. Facilier rubbed his hands and grinned like a child on Christmas Day.

She looked behind them. The tunnel had exited out of a massive cliffside, and multiple other tunnels exited with other fantastical cars, wagons and mounts all leaving the gateways. They must’ve been coming from all over the multiverse to here.

But where was here? Her eyes traced up to the sky; two moons rose above the midnight sky.

“Where are we?”

“Welcome to Nirn,” Jafar said, “Specifically, the land of Elsewyer, home of the Khajit. Cat-people.”

She’d never heard of this world before. “We’re not within the Kingdom’s borders, are we?”

“Hell, no!” Facilier replied, “We’re off-world, out-of-sight, and out-of-mind from the Mouse. We used to host this sucker on another planet; Pandora, but we got tired of fighting the bandits off every munk-chunk.”

Kairi’s mental wheels turned. A large disaster - certainly a costly one - would help make this event much less appealing for this crowd!

Guided by various cat-people (and bombarded by more trying to sell food and wares), they parked and got out to meet Hook and Frollo at the gate.

Kairi dodged getting jostled by multiple people before finally stepping up to Hook. Her brow furrowed as she looked upon the pirate’s iron prosthetic and saw a small, solid metal box with some air holes in it.

“Is that-?”

“Black Bart,” Hook declared, the cage shaking with the mere mention of its name.

“We’ve spent months throwing this guy, and beyond the brain damage, the drugs, the broken bones put together with staples, he – without fail – has been the best candidate for ultimate victory,” Jafar spoke with pride, patting the cage gently. It shook with a ferocity that threatened to break the cage apart. Jafar jumped back, and Frollo – who seemed thoroughly fed-up with this whole whole affair – grasped the bridge of his nose.

“The game’s afoot, lads,” Hook spoke, “Let’s get to our seats while I submit this little beauty, “ he raised it, admiring the pair of red eyes that were shining from inside, “into the show.”

The group headed as a whole until Hook split off to head down into the arena proper while the others filed into the seats. Kairi did her best to take in the entire selection before her. The spectrum of crime and villainy was staggering; cyber-punks next to gangster weasels sitting next to orcs and robots. They were the worse the multiverse had to offer, and they were all talking. Betting, whispering, scheming. All to a single man hungry to see the other man fall into despair as he rose to the top.

“How do we have a chance of winning-?“ she began to say, when she discovered Facilier had vanished leaving her with Frollo and Jafar. “Did you guys-?”

Jafar glanced at her and then continued to say nothing.

She assumed Facilier must have slipped off, and that this was part of their plan, and realized just as suddenly there were eyes on her too. Some were leering, others were suspicious, and some frankly seemed to just want to punch her for fun.

Here, everyone was watching everyone else. She closed her lips and kept her chest held high. She wanted to be here, was meant to be here, and if anyone doubted her she knew she could beat anyone that chose to fight her man-to-man.

Everyone seemed to be taking their chipmunk to the right edge of the amphitheater, into a large door that led into a dark chamber. She assumed that is where they were holding the chipmunks for launch. No one was returning with empty cages though, so she figured they were staying with the showrunners until the launch. The cages were probably guarded, and Facilier had most likely sneaked off to disrupt the other opponents.

What she failed to realize in all this was Jafar whispering to Frollo. “She didn’t take well to the reveal. Be careful.”

Kairi’s head snapped back to them, and by then Jafar had gone back to his usual, unassuming gait.

Frollo internally groaned. She wanted to play the hero. He admired that; she wanted to end this verminous affair and a good riddance to it! It was so...beneath good taste as to be lower than dirt. However, Frollo also wanted to end his debt to Pete, and if he didn’t want another trip to the Mad Doctor to his anal cavity “examined”. It took the Quartet all a week to walk normally after that.

Trapped in eternity was one thing; trapped in eternity to a vengeful mob boss was another.

“The whole point,” Hook said to Frollo yesterday while Jafar had taken her to the library, “is that we need to keep Kairi distracted while the rest of us do our devious work. Then, if a fight breaks out,” and there was almost always a fight “Kairi will naturally side with us against others and we’ll come out on top!”

Heroes always win, and it would be Kairi’s ability to crush all before her that would serve as insurance to the Quartet’s greatest gamble yet.

They made it to their seats, right to the center and halfway up. The crowds were hungry for blood all around them, shaking the massive stone building with their roars and thunderous feet.

Kairi could see the chains on the Munk-uchet itself shake at the movements of the great machine.

Aerial drones with cameras recorded and broadcast the event across the multiverse. To those physically present, their feed could be seen on two giant screens on the edges of the theater facing inwards. The crowd could follow the chipmunk as it flew through the air, into the ground, or even beyond their sight.

A shadow stepped in to block her view. The smell of cigar smoke filled the air as Pete grinned cruelly down upon here. He flicked a few ashes off into Jafar’s lap and straightened the tie on his all white-and-black suit.

“Well, isn’t it the Quartet’s new pet!?” he blew a gust of smoke into her face, causing her gag. Kairi’s normally soft and wide eyes hardened.

Pete lurched towards Jafar. “Say, when did you boys start adoptin’ orphans? Haha! Who does that make the momma? You, Jafar? Oh, that’s rich!” and he slapped his meaty leg with an equally meaty hand. “Whoo!”

Jafar growled through pressed teeth. “Well, Pete, she’s not an orphan. She’s a co-worker. She’s working with us, as you already know.”

“Well, well, if that’s so then maybe you could help this worthless bunch of morons actually pay me back what they owe!” He leaned back into Kairi, who blue eyes burned holes back into his own. Standing up, she stood eye to eye to the giant feline-man.

“We’ll do that and more,” she declared, “We’ll earn it right!”

Jafar pulled her hat down his brim, while Frollo pinched the bridge of his nose.

A joyous roar came from the massive cat. “Right?! Hahah, right!”

Kairi’s cheeks burned. “Last I checked, you were working for Maleficent! Maybe you should go home to your mom before I beat you back to her!”

His laughter stopped, replaced by a cold grin. Frollo went pale and Jafar said something under his breath in Arabic.

“Oh, girlie, you really don’t know how things work in Fantasia, do you?” he took another hit of his cigar, and blew it at her again. This time, she knew better than to breath and held her breath and her gaze.

He put his giant hand on her shoulder. She went to swipe it off but he clasped down hard. Her breath caught in her throat. She felt the muscle underneath his grip begin to bruise. “Kairi, just remember,” he said, an especially evil grin crossing his face “I’ll be here long after you are gone, but if you are so dedicated to gettin’ dead sooner than later I can certainly arrange that!”

She produced her keyblade and swung at him, but he easily leaned back and dodged it. He was...no, this wasn’t the simple bully Sora told her about. This one wasn’t afraid at all.

He stared back at her with his ever-amused grin.. “You remember this good and you remember this long; this little stunt? This little 'quarter life crisis’ or whatever? You end it now, or someone else is going to end you.”

He turned away, unconcerned with her anymore. His walk was suddenly stopped with a thought. His face was stone as he spoke with a certain cruelty that no amount of will could entirely resist. “Jafar, Frollo; let Hook know you all got double patrol on the outer worlds coming up. Mickey’s orders.” His grin came back and a slow, heavy chuckle turned into a then a boisterous bellow as he walked off and into the crowds.

Kaiir put her weapon away and rubbed her bruised shoulder. She felt freezing despite the adrenaline in her veins.

“That wasn’t the Pete I know.”

“Kairi, there’s something you should know,” Frollo said. “I understand from your story’s memories that Pete is a buffoon, but here…in Fantasia? In the Realm of Dreams, he’s King of the Disney Villains. The First Villain.”

Jafar hissed. “And now we’ll have to reschedule our contracts for the whole month because of your attitude.” He wiped off the ashes from Pete’s cigar, his previous greed-born vigor fully gone. Even Frollo seemed even more melancholic than usual.

Kairi looked down at the ground, feeling strangely...alone? For the first time in a long time she had no Sora, no true friends nearby. She couldn’t even feel it in her heart, as if the night sky had swallowed up the light inside of her.

Wasn’t this group meant to be her (scoundrelous) friends? Trouble makers until they had a moment to prove their secret heroism?

Or was this how they always worked; friends until it wasn’t convenient?

She finished massaging her bruised shoulder, and sat back down. “Why...how is he so powerful here?”

Frollo spoke up. “Well, if Mickey was Walt’s first, long-running Hero that means Pete is the opposite - the first consistent villain. Years of being hated, beat-up, mocked, and used have left him...jaded, to say the least, but very powerful. Quite a few Nightmares are bound up in him.”

“No more lectures,” Jafar cut him off, standing up, “the game's starting soon.” He looked at Frollo, who simply nodded back with recognition. Jafar walked over to the side and then down the stairs where they came.

“Why did he leave?” Kairi asked, but Frollo just shook his head. She gritted her teeth and then leaned in way too conspicuously for Frollo’s tastes. For someone who could hide from Facilier, she wasn’t trained in how to be invisible in broad daylight.

Whispering in a rather loud way she said “So is everyone but you trying to sabotage the game?”

Frollo gave a soft laugh. He was simply defeated by her honesty. Like a fresh-faced nun newly dedicated to God, he was unable to not to feel concerned about her soul. “Yes, that is true.”

His job, as technically discussed yesterday, was to keep her out of trouble until the fighting begins. But how does one keep one of the brightest warriors of Light busy until the coup de grace of a criminal venture and stick true to one’s morals?

“So why aren’t you?” she asked.

And then an idea hit Frollo. Or more like a vibration. He felt the great Munk-uchet shake the earth again, and it dawned on him that the very thing that could stop both this foolish idea and restore a respectable portion of their debt was right before them. No one was foolish enough to break it loose, but her?

Well, she wasn’t a fool, but if he told her it was to break down this evil gathering then she would do it. Because it was the right thing to do.

“Because I’m going to save those...poor chipmunks,” he spoke slowly, turning to her with his friendliest smile, “ and I need your help to do it.”

Kairi’s heart pounded wildly in her chest, a massive grin splitting her face. So not everyone in this group was a semi-heartless crook!

Suddenly, the ringing of a mighty bell filled the air. A pair of high-pitched voices rang through the speakers. Instantly she recognized their voices.

“Hey, guys! Are you ready to CHUNK THAT MUNK?” the speakers reverberated.

Kairi almost screamed it out loud. “Chip and Dale!?”

Chapter Text

“Why do Chip and Dale run a criminal enterprise that tosses chipmunks to their possible death?!” she grabbed Frollo down by his shoulder and looked him in the eyes.

“They took over from the first man!” he whispered back to her. “I don’t know why or how, but this sort of… foolish madness is never too far removed from Fantasia.”

Kairi let his shoulder go. She stared up at the large television screens where Chip and Dale were shown, clear as day. Just…bouncing around in their cute little outfits. Her head was alternating between rage, awing, and confusion.

“Welcome, welcome to the annual Chunk-Munkin’ event!” Dale declared, holding onto an even tinier microphone. How dare they be so cute and evil at the same time!

Kairi looked down upon the monstrosity straining and pushing upon its chains in the center of the ring, ignoring – with no small amount of spite - the rest of the two chipmunks’ ceremony and the crowd’s cheering. The enchanted spikes that nailed it in place held fast, but the ground shivered all the same. It made her stomach churn slightly. True, as a guardian she’s backflipped, vaulted, and parkoured her way up, on, over, and under things just as big.

Never had she thought she was going to have to control one.

“The notion is simple,” Frollo started explaining his plan, “the thing is held down by four chains. Two on the front, two on the back. If you can run in there and break three of the chains and scream something like ‘in the name of the Light’ after Black Bart is tossed, then you can hop on it with one of the chains, leap on top, and pull it from there into the chipmunk chambers using its own enraged momentum.”

She looked at him in almost stupefied wonder. “Just how strong do you think I am? The links alone are about as thick as Pete!”

“Can’t you just...perform some anti-gravity witchcraft on them?”

“You mean graviga? Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I can keep it up there.”

“Then how does Sora do all those feats of strength?”

Kairi thought for a second. “He doesn’t do it with his hands. He likes… usually just keeps hitting things with his keyblade until they’re dead or give up…wow, he doesn’t really have a good strategy except don’t die and keep hitting.”

“He’s sweet and means well,” Frollo said politely, though he wasn’t sure how much he meant it.

“Yeah, he is,” and Kairi’s smile lit up her whole face, her eyes staring off into the sky. “Our hearts…are connected through-”

“Stop it right there,” Frollo waved his hand over her eyes. “Now’s not the time for a monologue about how friendship binds us across time and space.”

Kairi blushed. “Whoops, sorry.”

“All good, child, but that still leads us into the dilemma of how to get the beast to break open the chamber.”

Kairi put her finger and thumb to her chin, thinking. “Well, what if I only break two chains…”

“Like the front two?”

“Yeah, and then as it pulls on the others-”

They looked at each other.

Frollo grinned. “You break the last two-”

“And it goes charging into the chipmunks, freeing them!” Kairi almost jumped in excitement, but abruptly stopped. “Wait, what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to run down and collect our earnings while the rest of the show riots.”

Makes sense. A whole bunch of others are going to rush for it to get a jump on the opportunity. If Frollo was there first, the chance of getting their *earned* (see ‘illegally gambled’) money was almost a sealed deal!

And this money was probably earned illegally, and it will be used to pay off a Pete (a criminal kingpin) to help her new friends not have to be…punished so much, so all in all it’s going to a better cause than when it started!

Kairi nodded. That covers it all, it seems. Free the chipmunks, stop crime, help the debtors…. yeah, she could get into mercenary work!

-

Facilier slithered through the shadows behind a stack of boxes, the back wall of the chipmunk-holding chamber dimly lit. The perfect place for his shadow-like qualities. Materializing, he could once again see the world in shades of color. His purple eyes began to scan the room.

The chipmunks were stacked in rows, next to their personal guardians. Each chipmunk was permitted to only have one guardian, and they were given necklaces with medallions to mark them as such.

While this meant normal folks couldn’t just walk in and start messing around, the Shadowman was not normal. He began to step into the shadows, just in time to-

Wait, why was there so much more light than last time? The whole area was arrayed with torches, the entire line of chipmunk boxes sitting with one by each two of them. To top it all off, the cat-men serving as guards each held a personal torch in their own hand.

A growl left his throat. He could watch all he wanted, but his shadowy hands couldn’t touch them so long as light blocked the way.

“Damn, they’re wising up,” he said as he slipped into the shadows and back out the chamber.

Outside he found Jafar casually walking around looking for ‘popcorn’, or more correctly called ‘the most effective way to make a fireball create the most distraction it could’.

“Jafar, “They’ve covered the entire place with torchlight.”

Jafar growled. “Damn, they’re wising up.”

“That’s what I said!”

“What we need is a distraction, one big enough that we don’t need to use your shadow powers to do the work…maybe a fireball or two…”

Facilier tapped on Jafar’s shoulder. “Hey, don’t look now, but we’re surrounded.”

Jafar moaned as he turned to see a whole platoon of cat-men thugs around them.

“Well, I’m out!” Facilier declared before jumping for a shadow. One of the cat-men produced a wand and zapped him, causing him to sprawl out onto the ground instead, collapsing into a mess of flailing limbs.

Jafar glanced upon the wand, a shimmering rune upon its wooden form. An anti-magic rune? Those are powerful and rare and would be the kind of thing you’d need to cripple a spellcaster. Wait, they've got the eyes of someone really impressive on them now! Maybe even…Maleficent!

His heart leapt in his chest.

“Take them to the bosses,” the one with the wand said.

Jaafar groaned, his once ennobled heart now sinking like Icarus. “Please tell me I’m not about to get tortured by a pair of rodents?”

“Only if you don’t play nice,” the surly cat-man replied, waving his wand around in Jafar’s face.

Tortured by chipmunks…a new low, even for him!

His head fell forward. “I hate my life.”

-

Back in the chipmunk-holding chamber, Hook stood by his charge while around him were the ringing and clang of cages. Some were quiet, either having fallen into despair, zen meditation, or ecstatic eagerness awaiting the moment of release. Would you imagine that some of these poor bastards were told that once launched from the Munk-uchet they would grow wings? He felt pity, a stinging sensation in his throat. Then he remembered what Pete did when they couldn’t pay the interest off in time, and he suddenly felt the stinging sensation vanish.

Through the crowd, he could see the swagger before he could even make out the man. Red shirt, perfect teeth, roughly the size of a barge. Hook cursed inwardly.

“Hello, Captain!” Gaston said cheerfully. “Excited for the day? I know I certainly am!” he gave Hook a hard slap on the back, knocking the breath out of him a touch.

It’s a trap. Hook’s eyes darted around for a second before giving a crocodile’s smile back at Gaston. “Yes; do you have a chipmunk in the race?”

“Why, yes my friend,” he said with a large grin as he presented his medallion, “While I prefer challenges of a more personal variety,” he said, flexing his bicep, “I figure it’s fun to stretch,” he put his arms behind him and popped out his massive chest, “out my various talents into other extracurricular fields!”

Ah, so he has been doing the word-a-day emails he’s been getting. Belle’s a saint for trying, albeit a foolish one.

Hook saw the flash of movement out of the corner of his eye. He swung his hook, catching the interloper before an attempt could be made. The small creature went flying, hitting the ground. Clear to his eyes now was Professor Ratigan!

“Ah, isn’t it the world’s greatest criminal mind! Sinking a little low to be working with Gaston, haven’t you?!” Hook scorned.

“Hey!” cried Gaston, his cover blown.

Ratigan huffed. “At least it’s a better line of work than chasing young boys all day long!”

“Oh, like I haven’t heard that one be-” Hook saw a flash as Gaston’s fist came flying in. He caught it with his most durable body feature - his face - and staggered, instinctively reaching for his sword. Gaston charged into the opening, slamming his body against Hook and pinning his sword arm to his body. The two hit the rack of cages, Hook now pinned against them.

Ratigan ran for Black Bart’s cage again, skittering over Hook and Gaston. Hook felt him crawling up his shirt and brought his chin down to bash the rat, momentarily stunning him. The pirate then drove his knee upwards between Gaston’s legs. The great hunter crumbled to the ground, while Ratigan went falling to the ground.

Hook drove the curve of his iron claw against Gaston’s head, then pulled his leg back and sent it into Ratigan like a football. The rat went flying while Gaston fell unconscious on the floor.

His chest heaving painfully, Hook stood up and looked about. Ratigan was scampering for an escape, guards now spotting the small rodent and giving chase. Gaston himself cradled his groin. He wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

“Well, good show, lads,” Hook straightened his jacket, “but it’ll take more to best a-“

Black Bart’s cage was open. Black Bart himself was absent. Hook leaned into the cage and saw it wasn’t picked – it was unlocked, by his own keys.

He reached for his pocket. Yes, those were his keys, definitely not in his pocket anymore.

He knew he had them tucked in tight in his jacket pocket the whole time. He’d had them since before he was just attacked. Which meant – since Ratigan was not lugging a giant ring of keys with him and Gaston had not gotten to the cage itself – a frightening realization came to him.

The only creature that was capable of actually grabbing the keys and unlocking it was Black Bart himself.

Despite their best attempts to destroy this creature’s ability to reason or imagine existence beyond the joy of flight, the chipmunk was sentient and capable of functioning on a higher level than they gave him credit for.

“Damn it.” He scanned the horizon, but there was no sign of it.

“Well, I hope the rest of the crew is doing better.”

But, as we know dear reader, they weren’t.

Chapter Text

The last she saw of Frollo was his black robes swaying in the crowd of onlookers. The sudden absence of everyone she knew left her feeling like a ram in a pack of wolves. She could defeat a lot of them but if this whole crowd decided to take it’s anger out on a Hero, she’d be a lamb chop before long.

Fortunately for her, they didn’t have time to realize who was in their presence as their attention was pulled to a bigger fish – the altar of Money and Violence that was the Munk-Chunk.

The first contestant was called. Dale spoke pseudo-reverently. “At 5.4 inches, 20 pounds, he’s the proof that Thick Thighs can save lives. When he was born his father held him aloft to the Sun and said this life was more glorious, more radiant than the stars above. And the Sun, on that day, darkened to the girth of this child. Raise a shout for CHEENGUS KHAN!”

Out from the chamber’s doors came Shan-Yu, holding a massively obese chipmunk that from this distance could have been mistake for a human baby with fur. Its sheer weight forced even the mighty ‘Conqueror of China’ to carry it upon his shoulder. Cheengus, for its part, seem much like its owner – dour and cruel. Its eyes poured out only contempt for this audience before it.

Shan-Yu opened the cage, letting the Great Khan step onto the pouch of the Munk-uchet with pomp. It looked once more upon its trainer, some flash of some emotion – the desire for approval? - almost child-like crossed its eyes. Shan-Yu nodded his head, and the child-like desire must have been fulfilled for the mighty ‘munk’s face grew resolute once again.

Shan-Yu was going to be proud of it no matter how things went.

To the side of the Munk-uchet, the work crew was called upon by the supervisor. With a mighty cry, the crew wrenched the mighty gear back. Shan-Yu stepped back, a fatherly smile on his face. Cheengus took a breath, extended his arms to the sky as if to pray to something greater than itself for one last ounce of power.

Kairi felt her heart stop. She knew it was madness, but she couldn’t help but whisper what was in her heart. “Fly, little guy, fly!”

The supervisor gave his final cry. The crowd grew silent. The crew let the lever go, allowing the many demons inside that eldritch machine to let loose.

The Munk-uchet let loose with a mighty roar, its arm ripping forward with the force of a volcano. The shockwave ripped forth through the earth, kicking up the dirt and pushing against the bodies of everyone in the assembly.

For a second, she could see him. Cheengus Khan, first of his name, begin his ascent. The look of rapture on this face once so full of darkness…it was beautiful.

The speed at which Cheengus Khan hit the ground, however, was not. The rodent’s trajectory was miscalculated as it immediately was sent into the earth in front of the Munk-uchet, creating a plume of dust and dirt that could be heard across the kingdom.

The crowd fell into fits of guffaws and sneers, and Kairi watched in horror as even Shan-Yu held onto his sides from laughter. Kairi strained her eyes to look for any sign of Cheengus, a small hand sticking out of the dirt, a slight movement as it struggled to pull itself up.

Nothing. The impact was so great as to remove whatever was once known as Cheengus Khan from the realm of matter entirely.

“Oh, and alas the Child that was Greater than the Sun could not outlast this night!” Dale declared in the microphone. The crowd cheered in violent applause.

Kairi felt his heart break. This…this cruelty was too great! It must be stopped. Without realizing it, her keyblade had been summoned in her hand. She gripped it as hard as hand could allow, his flesh start to swell in pain. She couldn’t feel it though.

All she could feel was white, hot rage.

She started moving, almost subconsciously. Her eyes glared on the distant podium where Chip and Dale were. She could crush them; she would see them brought before justice either by the court or by her blade.

She then saw Hook – “wait, what?” – chasing after a small, black chipmunk – “wait, how?” – across the edge of the arena and then heard someone cry out “Quick, he’s trying to get ahead of everyone else!”

“Wait, crap!” Kairi saw an arrow going flying from the audience at Hook. Then a rock, then a shot, then-

The whole arena erupted.

-

The arena was a distant sound to Frollo. Having slipped into the halls inside the great amphitheater, he had continued to step as quietly as he could through the crowds. One would think he’d stick out, but the one thing he learned about Villains is that the color back and swirling robes are more commonplace than one would think. If it wasn’t for the utter lack of morals, he could get converse for hours about the fashion of the dark and gothic.

Getting past the guards was easy enough. He was already pre-disposed as a Villain to be extraordinarily sneaky, with years of training behind him, and since they weren’t Heroes, it was easy as stealing candy from a baby!

“Whoever came up with that idiom was a very disturbed individual,” he thought as he slit the throat of one of the various cat-man guards who was in his way. He slipped the body into a dumpster and pilfered what he needed most from it – an access card.

Sneaking his way up to the main chamber, he began to feel the crowd above – despite the meters of stone around him – begin get agitated. Why he could only guess, but whatever had caused was soon to know that the only thing more dangerous than a fool is over a thousand of them, all equally greedy.

It could be Kairi, but it was too soon for Black Bart to be tossed when there were already hundreds of other chipmunks around. He said a silent prayer that it wasn’t one of his own mates.

He heard steps. Ducking into the janitor closet, he heard a large group incoming. His guess was…then? Most of them sounded like the local thugs, but two…oh crap.

“Y’know this is violation of my right!” Facilier cried out.

“You don’t have any rights here.” Jafar groaned.

Yep, it was bound to happen. Every year those two caused some form of damage – seen or unseen. Now they were going to pay, probably with some painful torture.

Frollo weighed the importance of saving them or not. On one hand, they were both equally godless men. They have been aches in his side for so long now, he began to think they were divine punishment for his previous sins.

On the other hand, he really didn’t look forward to more ‘personal time’ with Pete’s personal mad doctor…

“God gives and God takes,” he said, loading a shell into his personal shotgun.

-

Kairi sprung from her seat, leaping over the enraged crowd and under the thrown objects. She could see Hook likewise dodging as best as he could in full sprint, the full ire of the crowd on him. The sudden flash of pink over their heads invited the crowd to divide their fury on the newcomer, with cries of the “it’s Kairi!”, “the keyblade warrior!”, “stop the anime girl!”, and “is that a big-ass fucking key?” ringing through her ears.

With elegant grace she leapt into the arena and flowed into a sprint to catch up to Hook.

“He escaped?!”

“The little bastard did indeed!” Hook swore between breaths, “and if he survives being tossed, I’ll kill him myself!”

Kairi ducked as an arrow whizzed over her head. “I’ll go right, you go left, we’ll trap him on the Munk-uchet. I’ll start to break the chains and you fire him. Once you do, I’ll finish the job and you get off! Got it?!”

Hook, despite his lack of breath chasing this (abnormally fast) rodent, blinked at being given orders. “You’re going to break the chains?”

“We can’t lose any more competition if there’s no catapult to fire from!”

Hook blinked again, in a daze dodging the chunk of rock that went by his head. “You do realize you’ll be putting a target on your back from a multi-dimensional array of villains?”

Kairi laughed lightly. “Won’t be anything new to me. Ok, now!”

She dashed off right, with Hook being left little to say in the matter. Shrugging, he took the cue and ran left.

Black Bart snarled at his hunters. Hook swallowed a huge breath and picked up the pace to come upon him, taking a swipe at the small devil with his hook. Bart dodged right, allowing Kairi to swing her keyblade at it. She missed, but Black Bart panicked at the realization it was flanked and doubled its effort forward.

“He’s taking the bait!” Kairi thought. Now was her time to start hitting the chains. She turned on the ball of her foot, gliding over the massive chains and their bolts, launching into an assortment of combos onto the massive screws. The hooded crew scattered out of fear, her movements sharp and precise as a whole army of blades.

Her keyblade made a dint, then another; pieces of irons were flying off bit by bit!

A rock threw past her head, then the crack of a gunshot. Reflexively she twisted to deflect it, the round speeding off into the crowd. Serves them right! With a wave of her hand, she summoned a gust of wind, surrounding her in a shield of flurries as she set her attention to the chains.

Meanwhile, scampering up the rattling Munk-uchet, Hook clawed after Black Bart. While resilient to a fault in training, Black Bart had never shown a preference to endurance training. It seems, however, as the rodent continued to climb it proved to be immensely skilled at the venture.

Hook, however, was beginning to run out of breath.

“Damn…you…little…. bastard!” he swung wildly with his remaining hand, his claw pushing into the oak beams that formed the Munk-uchet. Bullets whizzed over his head. His chest was heaving with effort.

Bart had made his way to the top and looked back. “You’re mine!” Hook cried, lunging with his fleshly hand.

His claw broke from the wood, and he began to slip. His hand twisted in mid-motion to capture the wood, his legs squeezing the wood between them. Below him, a whirlwind of violence at a distance he was sure not to enjoy falling from.

“Father.”

Hook looked up to see Black Bart glaring down on him, his red eyes burning with a hatred that Hook knew all too well. The same kind of hate he felt for Pan.

But ‘Father’? “What are you blithering about?” he blurted. In fact, he didn’t even know Bart could blither in the first place! This creature was full of surprises.

Black Bart spoke, his baritone seeming to echo – originate? – within Hook’s own mind. “You made me who I am; I am the Lucifer to your God. All your mistakes, all your doing have brought you back to me.”

Bart reached into his fur and pulled out something Hook had failed to notice all this time – a needle. The dark chipmunk began to step down, brandishing the sharpened instrument. His eyes stared down Hook’s tender, fleshy fingers.

“This instrument below us is more than four times your own height,” Bart chuckled darkly, “Just far enough to break you…just like you broke me.”

With a growl, he lunged for Hook’s fingers.

-

Facilier’s knees hurt. Usually this was because of…other ways he was paying money, but right now it was because he had been thrown to the ground violently in an attempt to establish dominance by a pair of kingpin Chipmunks.

“So…Facilier and Jafar,” Chip began with a smile, “We wondered what year it would be when we finally figured out who was sabotaging so many of our contestants.”

Dale, meanwhile, in the corner, was putting a small poker into an even smaller fireplace. Why they’d built a small fireplace on top of a large desk surrounding by cameras and screens was beyond Facilier but being as he was dealing with sentient chipmunks he decided to refrain as they monologued.

“Do you know why we do what we do, boys?” Chip asked. Dale cackled as he pulled out the now searing orange poker from the fire.

“Financial satisfaction?” Facilier wagered a guess.

“Because you come from nothing and to nothing you will return,” Jafar quipped, which earned him a smack in the face by one of the guards.

“Cute, really cute,” Chip said, “but no; we do what we do ‘cause for decades now his game – this very bad, no-good thing we called ‘Munk Chunkin’ - has ruined the multiverse before many of us Characters were ever born. Investigate as we might, we could never fully break the Munk Chunkin’ ring that laid across the Worlds. For years, me and Chip were worried sick we’d one day we caught and put on the ‘chet.”

Chip jumped down from the desk, followed by Dale who waved the heated poker towards the two men like a kid with a magnifying glass towards ants. “We realized though,” Chip said, “that in a universe where things were unavoidable – Light and Dark, Fading, the Munk Chunk - that there was little to actually gain from living in fear. But living above fear? Using fear? That had its perks!”

“Like the money, I assume?” Facilier turned to examine the carts of cash minions had been pushing into the vault on the other side of the room. The mystery of where all the money as being held this whole time was answered, right here in the very office of the masters themselves. Now he just had to figure a way to wiggle out of being tortured by a chipmunk to get it.

“Yeah, the merchandising of late…had been getting a little slim, and Mickey trusts in the Dreams of children to decide where he puts his own power into.” Chip’s face darkened, a shadow crossing over it for a moment. “And so, if we wanted more, we had to take care of ourselves.”

His grin came back. “So, we killed the previous owner, and now we get the profits, and nobody puts the chipmunks who own’s the Munk Chunk on the ‘chet.”

“All good and everything,” Jafar muttered, “but you’re still fools if you think that it means that someone won’t found out about this sooner or later.”

“Yeah, like who?” Chip said. He waved a hand to Dale, who put the burning poker near Facilier’s knee cap. “No one will believe a Villain.”

Facilier looked down at the poker. “Jafar, do choose yo’ words carefully.”

“No, I meant like a Hero,” Jafar couldn’t hold back his smile anymore.

Chip raised his hand, causing Dale to stop and Facilier to sigh in relief. “No Heroes know about the Munk Chunk other than us!”

“Well, now one other does,” Jafar nodded his head towards the window, and Dale and Chip swiveled their heads to see Kairi bashing away at the great chains of the Munk-uchet.

“What the cheese and crackers!” Chip screamed, “We want everyone down there, now, now, now!”

Before anyone could gather their senses, Frollo kicked the double doors in. He flipped his hands, producing two shotguns and hooking them underneath his arms.

“Saint Michael the Archangel!” he cried, blasting the first two guards into chunks of meat. “Defend us in battle!” The buckshot from the twin blast tore holes everywhere, bits of Jafar’s and Facilier’s hats flying away.

Chip and Dale bolted for the safety of their desk. The room, for all its spacious form, held nothing else in the way of cover and the guards did their best diving for the walls or the floor.

“Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil!” Frollo pumped another round into two more guards. The two captives, for their part, pressed against the floor for their flesh and the lives.

“May God rebuke him, we humbly pray!” A blast of magical lights came for him from the guards, their wands all aimed at him.

“Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil!” he leaped to the side, unloading another blast. One missed, but the other hit home true.

He rolled to the side, the last two guard’s blasts skimming just above him.

His final shots rang out, dropping the cat-men to the ground. “And do thou,” he opened the shotgun, dropping the spent chambers and with deft hands began to reload.

“O Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of God,” he finished, cocked them both, “thrust into hell Satan and all evil spirits who wander through the world for the ruin of souls.”

“Ame-”

He turned around the desk, barrel first. Chip and Dale were gone.

Frollo growled. “They’ve vanished.” He shouted to his allies. He stopped upon realizing Facilier and Jafar had squished themselves against the ground.

Facilier looked up from the floor, faced covered in sweat. “I know you love your goddamn shotguns and prayers-”

Jafar added in. “But buckshot doesn’t know FRIEND from foe!”

“You’re not dead, stop complaining.” Not that Frollo wanted to kill them, but it would be funny if they got hit by a piece or two.

As the anarchy erupted down below – guards fighting scum fighting Hook and Kairi – his eyes turned to the vault door where all that wondrous cash was sitting.

-

As Black Bart soared through the air, needle in hand, with several stories below him, Hook had only a fraction of a second.

He had brought this upon himself, hadn’t he? Flown to close to the Sun, loved the thrill of the game just a bit too much? Now Frankenstein facing his Monster, and what would he ever show of it? Just a chip off the old mountain, a slight measure gone from an immense debt that would break even the great banks of several empires.

And so – as he heard all too much in his recent lifetime – he let it go.

Black Bart’s eyes widened in surprise as Hook fell, going downward towards the raging mob of violence below. Bart’s own trajectory – however – took him towards the back end of the Munk-uchet.

Kairi’s final blows landed, and the chains of the great behemoth broke. It shivered and Bart hit the beam of the Munk-uchet and rolled down, down, down into its open pouch. Suddenly aware of its newfound freedom, it kicked and roared to life, sending it screaming into the chipmunk-holding chambers.

Thousands of cages broke, releasing their enraged rodents into the crowd. Swarming to freedom, they clung first to the thing that was now closest – the great war machine itself – and climbed up it to create distance between the thugs below.

Kairi rolled out of the way as the great beast ran over guard and criminal a-like. A familiar scream caught her ear as her eyes caught sight of Hook’s flailing floor mid-air. She rolled again through the crowd and aimed her keyblade upward, casting a blot of wind that sent Hook flying again – this time safely into the arms of a nearby merchandise stand.

Nodding satisfied, she parkoured up the wall to escape the pit. There she found the once-illustrious captain kicking his way out of a pile of stuffed chipmunk toys.

“Great Scott!” he cried, “I thought I was doomed!”

“Not on my watch!” she boldly declared. A great mechanical roar came from the Munk-uchet, causing both their heads to pivot to the monstrosity. Its surface shimmered with the hordes of crawling fur all over it before it gave one last kick and fired its payload.

With trained eyes she watched as the small object – Black Bart! – soared off into the horizon. One of the camera drones followed like a rocket, and before she counted off the scoreboard as the number went up, and up, and up!

Nine-thousand and fifty-seven miles!

“Good god! That’s a record score!” Hook exclaimed, standing to his feet.

Kairi’s heart swelled with pride. True, she didn’t want to fire any chipmunks today but being as this was going to net them a substantial benefit to the group’s well-being in a way that wasn’t technically cheating, she felt she had accomplished the best with what was given!

The Munk-uchet – satisfied with the carnage it inflicted – rode off. How something without wheel slide across desert sands like a ship on the sea was beyond Kairi, but as its great form plowed through the bodies below, she couldn’t help but see the chipmunks – once so stressed and worried – free to live out their own lives and aspirations in this strange, new world.

Another engine – this time a pilfered van – pulled up. Facilier stuck his head out of the driver’s side, “Get in, fools!” just as Frollo slide a side door open.

They needed little encouragement, leaping to their feet and into the van with a single vault.

Kairi was the first one to speak. “What happened to you guys?”

“We were brutally captured and tortured, but they got nothing from us!” Jafar proudly proclaimed.

“He’s lying,” Frollo chimed in, “I saved them before the chipmunks even started in on them.”

“It doesn’t matter who saved who or what,” Facilier spoke up, a catch in his voice. “What matters we got what we came for; money!”

Kairi looked in the back of the van. She didn’t use the word “cartoonish” often, though she felt the more she compared Worlds the more she could definitely see what was and wasn’t. The back end of this van was a wall of green shoved perfectly and utterly into the space that she worried that if reality stepped in for one second, they would all drown in a tide of green dollar bills.

“Whoa.” Was all she could mustered as Facilier drove like hell out of the arena and out into the desert, only pausing to drop off the rest of the men at their vehicles. Behind them now, the arena had descended into utter anarchy, with gunfire, magic, and curses being thrown around. Bits of the building was even breaking apart.

Sliding into a stop, the rest of the men slipped out to their cars while Kairi stayed with Facilier. Taking his own way, Facilier drove them past the parking lot and over into the desert.

In this moment, Kairi rested her head out the window. Distantly, below the quiet and ever watchful moon, she saw the Munk-uchet and its riders taking to the desert, their shouts of joy and freedom heard distantly on the sandy winds.

She closed her eyes with a smile.

-

He opened his eyes to the Sun. The world was hot and angry, his fur burning from the heat. Sand filled his wounds. With even the slightest motions, the very act of consciousness all he felt was agony.

Slowly Black Bart rose, his bones shattered by the great toss, yet he forced them to yield. His muscles spasmed, twitched, and yet they did not - would not! - fail.

What kept him alive? It was impossible that such a great toss would have spared him. Chipmunks greater than him were felled by less. But as his heart pumped on and on, he now knew what it was.

Rage…rage against those who made him, who made this foul system that brought him so low. He would see it burn, and those who harmed him with it.

He looked upon the Sun, and finally the Sun knew someone who burned greater than it.