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His eyes focused in on the blood splattered across his face in the unbroken water the anglish on his face, the slow cracking to show his horrific side of him who enjoyed causing pain a side of him he held back for too long. Blinking he looked at his hands trying to wrap his hand around a fragment of himself to keep himself from being lost in these rapids and slowly sink down to himself.
Fjord couldn't decide if he needed to stake a claim to Caleb or not, he couldn't figure out if he should sink his teeth into a shoulder that he loved to touch and stroke but breaking the skin, tasting Caleb's blood would be too much if he did that he wasn't sure if he could come back to the man he once was. Honestly he didn't know what scared him more, the idea of scarring someone he cared about more than his own life or, the person he was losing himself to.
Caleb sometimes looked at him like he wanted more like he wanted to let himself feel more he could see it in Caleb's eyes, and everytime Caleb did nothing those small ice shards pushed into his heart deeper.
Fjord's hands dipped into the cold water it seemed to numb him in the best ways, to make him forget that he's the monster he used to fear at night, maybe if he clenched his eyes shut and focused he would wake up from this nightmare he swears he will be good he swears he will make up for all the pain he's caused in these dire moments, for all of Caleb's looks that he doubts.
What should he do? What could he do he's wasting away here and Caleb is in a constant war of pain and fear. Does he go back to that dark part of his head and keep up the facade in front of Caleb or does he open up. Is it even worth opening up when he's so empty this place is sucking the life from him with each body at a time.
He takes a slow deep breath letting out in a steady stream before washing his face watching the blood stain the water pink and brown the colour of the pain of other people, innocent people. It doesn't feel right to just wipe this blood from his hands as if it doesn't affect him this deeply but he can't live in a lie of he's fine in this deep wound of pain lays in his wake.
He needs to bury this love, he needs to ignore it for the time being it's safer for Caleb this way get him out and maybe he can ignore his longing for to hear Caleb's voice in the throws of passion, to see his skin bruised from his lips and to stake his claims.
Fjord tried to ignore how the sunlight felt like Caleb's smile as he stood back up walking back to the camp.
Fjord woke up with a small breath. It was a dream, well more of a memory, one he wished he could forget. He looked down at the bundle of hair curled up beside him the messy red hair of the man he loved cuddling into him. Fjord runs his fingers through his hair softly trying to calm his beating heart.
Fjord needed to learn to forgive himself, forgive his past self for his own choices he made in a dire moments of a shitshow of a situation, Maybe he can build a home a place for him and Caleb for safety, but first he needed to build up his old mental walls to protect him.
Being with Caleb was living right next to a burning star he's still afraid if he gets too close he could burn himself but he's willing to get burned by him, and he would do it time and time again. He would do it, he would do it over and over to hear that loving tone Caleb uses, has always used.
He loves the way Caleb looks at him, it reminds him of someone he wants to be, someone he could be, someone who Caleb is willing to come back for to save or die for.
Fjord stroked Caleb's cheek softly smiling at him, his mate. His. The possessive claim that branded Caleb's skin as it branded Fjord's heart. Caleb didn't judge him for his behavior, but those habits were hard to let go. Baby steps slowly he would get better slowly, it will happen like breathing one in, one out.
Fjord will keep moving this forward for Caleb.
He can do this.