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Todoroki felt numb.
No, he wished he felt numb because this was so much worse.
He’d lost people before, there were people he just couldn’t save no matter how good of hero he was. But this was different. He’d never lost…so many at one time. There was no way he could have stopped the bus in time. It wasn’t physically possible. He knew that, but he had tried anyway. The other hero he had been partnered with had tried also. Todoroki pushed himself past all his limits, trying to get to it in time. He hadn’t made it and the last thing he saw before the bus slipped over the edge was the other hero, an older man called TickTock, giving him a sad smile from the top of the bus before they disappeared.
The smile haunted him.
What bothered him the most was that no one blamed him. People thanked him for trying. He failed, people died, and people thanked him for doing his best. But his best wasn’t good enough. It never was. He was so fucking inadequate, had been his entire life. The only reason he had made it thus far was because he was still riding his father’s coattails. He was insufficient on his own, not enough, so undeserving of their gratitude.
If they wouldn’t blame him, he would blame himself enough for them.
It broke him. He started second guessing every move he made, on and off duty. He started hesitating on the battlefield. He closed himself off at home, stopped responding to his friends messages. Didn’t answer the door when they came over, using over the counter sleep medications to knock himself out every night until he could go back to work in the morning. He didn’t want to see his friends, his amazing talented friends who turned out to be even more amazing heroes. Being around them just reminded him how much he didn’t measure up to them, not even close.
But it was a little harder to avoid the one person that made him feel the most inadequate. Hard to avoid the person you shared an apartment, a bed, a life with.
Bakugou was there. Always. He was there to yank Todoroki out of the way when he hesitated during a fight. He was there, pushing Todoroki behind him to handle the press and media so Todoroki didn’t have to. He was there, making sure Todoroki had clean laundry. He was there, literally forcing him to eat so he didn’t die. He was there, late to all his shifts so that he could wait next to Todoroki, making sure he actually woke up every morning.
Bakugou was there for Todoroki, and it made Todoroki feel so much worse. Because Bakugou deserved better. Bakugou deserved someone who could stand next to him as an equal. Todoroki could never do that. Bakugou was Bakugou and he deserved more than just…just Todoroki.
So he retreated from his boyfriend too. He stayed at work late when he didn’t have to. He tugged himself out of Bakugou’s grasp at night, turning to face the wall. There were days he didn’t speak to him at all. He stopped responding when Bakugou whispered a quiet “I love you” before he left for work every morning.
He did love Bakugou, more than he’d loved anything or anyone ever. And that’s why he wouldn’t let his boyfriend settle for someone like him when he deserved someone so, so much more. He started looking for his own apartment.
Bakugou’s heart had broken in a way he never thought possible when he came home to find Todoroki passed out in bed, laptop open to apartment listings. He left that night, pretending not to have seen, coming back later to slip into bed beside Todoroki.
Even after that, he was still there.
And then Todoroki’s desperate attempts to distance himself all came shattering down when once again, Bakugou was there for him. Todoroki had seen the gun. He’d seen it with plenty of time to throw up an ice wall to defend himself, but his self-doubt made him hesitate. And then, just as the villain pulled the trigger, Bakugou was there.
With a scream of “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?” Bakugou was there, arms lifted to push Todoroki out of the way.
But too late.
Bakugou sank to his knees beside Todoroki, leaving the other heroes they were with to handle the villain in favor of gathering his boyfriend up into his arms. He ripped off his gauntlets so he could press his hands over the growing bloom of red soaking through Todoroki’s costume.
“Shouto!” Bakugou whispered.
And Todoroki just smiled, soft and sad. He lifted his hand to brush the back of his knuckles over Bakugou’s jaw.
“I don’t deserve your love.” Todoroki whispered back before he let his hand drop. His vision and mind faded to black to the tune of Bakugou’s panicked chanting.
“Shouto, Shouto! No please. Come on Sho. Shouto! PLEASE!”
Bakugou was still there when he woke up. He was there in the hospital room, holding Todoroki’s palm against his cheek. His eyes were rimmed with deep red, his skin splotchy. But god if he didn’t still look beautiful when he smiled.
“Hey.” He said, voice low and rough and Todoroki couldn’t help but smile back.
“Hey.” Todoroki said, his own voice gravelly from misuse. Bakugou pulled his palm tighter against his own cheek before he dropped it. Todoroki watched as the blonde stood and sat next to him on the bed. He took Todoroki’s hand back into his and placed it in his lap, looking down at it.
Todoroki watched him open and shut his mouth without saying something several times before he steeled himself and looked Todoroki in the eyes.
“You gotta fucking stop this.” Bakugou said flatly. “I’ve been giving you your space. I thought you would…come to me when you were ready but you…you didn’t and you’re fucking killing yourself Shouto. And we’re going to talk about it whether you like it or not.”
Todoroki remained silent, swallowing heavy.
“Do you love me?” Bakugou asked quietly, his face falling into a look of such soft worry that Todoroki felt tears spring to his eyes.
“I…yes.” Todoroki breathed. “You have no idea.”
“Then why won’t you let me in? Why are you looking for an apartment? Why were you ok with what very could have fucking well been your last fucking words to me be that you didn’t deserve my love?”
Bakugou dipped his head suddenly, unable to stop a stray tear from leaking down his cheek. Todoroki lost his last semblance of control and a sob tore itself from his throat, unbidden.
“Because I don’t.” He croaked. “I don’t Bakugou. Im not good enough. Im not good enough to be a hero. I couldn’t save Ticktock or the people on the bus. Im always just going to be ‘Endeavor’s son’. Im not good enough to be friends with our friends and Im not even remotely worthy of your love. You deserve someone who is more, who is stronger. I can’t let you settle for me and if I leave then-“
“No.” Bakugou snapped, cutting him off. He dropped his hand so he could squeeze Todoroki’s face between his palms, bringing their foreheads to rest against each other. “No you fucking idiot. You are strong, stronger than you know. And you don’t have to see it because I do. Our friends love you for exactly who you are. The public loves you because you ARE an amazing hero. Those people died, but it wasn’t your fucking fault Shouto. Everyone, EVERYONE knows there wasn’t anything you guys could do.”
“I know you feel guilty. I know because I’ve been exactly where you’ve been and the only reason, I dealt with it was because I had you. So, you gotta let me take care of you. I know I’m not fucking good at it but you have to let me try. If you feel weak, I’ll just remind you how strong you are. When you feel like you can’t stand then I’ll hold you up. When you feel out of place or inadequate Ill be right fucking next to you, reminding you that you belong right here.”
Bakugou kept their foreheads together put dropped a hand to pull Todoroki’s palm against his chest.
“You are not just ‘Endeavors son’. You are Todoroki Shouto and I happen to really, really fucking love Todoroki Shouto.”
Todoroki brought his other hand up to Bakugou’s chest too, fisting his hands tightly in the fabric as he began to cry great heaving sobs. Bakugou moved his own arms around Todoroki’s back, pulling him up against him, cupping the back of Todoroki’s head as he cried against his chest.
He cried all the tears he had bottled up for the last couple weeks. When they were gone, he let himself cry happy, selfish tears for how lucky he was. When Bakugou told him he was enough, that he was worth loving…he believes him. Because if he at least knows anything about his boyfriend, it was that he was almost aggressively honest.
“Im sorry.” Todoroki whispered a little while after the tears stopped. He pushed Bakugou back just enough so that he could sit up in the hospital bed before he sagged against the blonde again. He silently hoped Bakugou would resume running fingers through his hair…he liked that.
A hope that Bakugou brought to life, bring his hand up to card his digits through red and white hair.
“Don’t be sorry.” Bakugou mumbled against the top of his head. “Just…just eat. And stop drugging yourself to sleep. And fucking text Deku back. And let me hold you at night. And please, please don’t buy a fucking apartment. Don’t leave me”
“I don’t know how Im worthy of someone like you Katsuki.” He whispered, craning his neck to look up and the underside of Bakugou’s jaw.
“You’re…everything I need and want Shouto. Everything. Even if you don’t see it.” Bakugou looked down and brushed back his bangs to kiss Todoroki’s forehead. “And if I need to remind you every fucking day I will. I love you.”
And when Bakugou says it, he believes it.