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sometimes, when the "infinite sadness" as he would say, when it got bad,
luke would leave.
maybe not physically, no.
but he would seem to fall off the face of the planet sometimes, fighting to make it back alive.
luke would gaze outside, watching the summer rain go pitter-patter on the window for hours on end.
ashton noticed he did that a lot, so one day, he asked the doctor.
she said it was only a side effect of depression and that she would alter his medication soon.
ashton thanked her, then went on his way.
he asked calum, and michael, his mum, and even harry.
"It's just the depression ashton.
don't worry."
he worried.
one day, ashton decided he was going to ask luke.
So he did.
"why do you like to watch the rain?", ashton whispered to luke one stormy night.
they laid there in the bed, both listening to the peaceful sound of angels tears hit the glass.
"because."
"because what?"
"because it reminds me of you."
ashton didn't say anything, and neither did luke.
he didn't ask why, so luke didn't answer.
the only thing you could hear, for those sweet moments,
was the rain going pitter-patter on the window.
"I see beauty in things that no one else does ashton."
"I know.
thats's why you love me."
luke's soft, broken laugh seemed to bounce off the walls in the late hour.
"did you know I love the dimples in your back?"
"the one's I hate?"
"yes."
"no."
Luke looked blankly at the window.
"oh.
i'm sorry."
ashton laughed.
"you don't have to say sorry love."
luke was quiet.
"but it's my job to let you know that they are beautiful.
like you."
ashton nuzzled his face into luke's neck, wrapping his arms around his fragile boy.
"I love you."
ashton said.
he felt luke tense under his palms.
"okay."
luke said.
that was the night before "the night".
the night when ashton found a crumpled note on the bathroom floor
with his fragile boy in the same state
dead
in the corner.
"i like the summer rain
i like the sounds you make
you are my getaway
you are my favorite place
sorry for disconnecting
I love you too ash."
ashton felt like he was drowning,
drowning in everything he could of said to stop this,
to stop luke from disconnecting.
ashton kept drowning while the police came,
lights in his face and microphones amplifying his every word.
when liz came,
weeping into ashton's chest,
when he had to keep acting like he wasn't drowning:
acting like he was strong.
ashton was still drowning the next day when everyone came to
comfort him
but he could convince no one that nothing could
comfort him like
luke could.
ashton thought that dying would be less painful
then feeling like you're drowning
everyday
every night
in your dreams
all the time.
ashton watched the rain drip down the windows
just like luke would those sad nights.
drip
drip
drip.
ashton watched as the blood dripped down his pale arm.
drip
drip
drip.
ashton watched till he wasn't drowning anymore.
drip
drip
ashton laid on the floor, a faint smile on his sad face.
he was going to be with luke soon,
and that
was good.