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“Hey, you wanna split?” Charles asked, wincing slightly at the volume of the music. Erik nodded, squeezing his way through the throng of people and out into the night air. It was just starting to get the autumn bite, and he was glad he’d brought a jacket, especially since it was an off-campus party, and Charles’ car took a while to heat up.
“Sorry, I was getting overwhelmed, and you looked uncomfortable as hell. If you don’t wanna leave, I can absolutely come back and get you whenever you’d like,” Charles added, leaning against a wooden porch pillar. Even in the dim light, Erik could see Charles’ face was slick with sweat. He’d made the unfortunate error of wearing his sweater the whole time they had been at the party. Once the festivities kicked into gear, the house had become a oven.
“Nah, let’s go! It’s too fucking hot. Plus, the beer is shit,” Erik replied. Should I offer to get him food for being my DD?
“Would you like to grab some food? I don’t know about you, but I’m not a charred burger and a plate of cold, half-exploded pizza rolls kind of guy.”
“You beat me to it,” he laughed. “I’m really hungry.”
“Brilliant. Where do you wanna go? It’s your decision this time,” Charles teased, that glittering smile spreading across his face. He knew Erik couldn’t make decisions when he wasn’t completely sober (and even then, it was hit or miss). But Erik doubted he knew the extent that deciding made his insides twist.
“Rude.”
“Come on, we can get in the car and decide on the way there.”
“Okay.”
Erik followed Charles through the yard, his vision swimming just a tad around the edges. Charles had parked a little ways away to “keep the car safe.”
“Do you need any help?” Charles asked, looking over as Erik swayed slightly.
“Nah, I’m good. I didn’t even drink that much.”
“Might as well get some food in you, it could help.”
“I want pancakes.”
“Well, well, look at that,” he laughed, sliding into the driver’s seat and looking over as Erik fumbled (just a little) with his seatbelt. “You made a step towards a decision. Good job.”
The buckle kept slipping past the clip, and Erik couldn’t see in the inky darkness. He was about to give up when Charles took his hand and guided the seatbelt into the fastener and clicked it in.
“Thanks,” Erik muttered, glad the night could conceal his reddening cheeks.
“Certainly.”
Charles turned the car on, and it shuddered to life, headlights cutting through the blackness. Erik rode in Charles’ car all the time, but this was only time he’d been in it at night. The soft glow behind the buttons was really soothing. His ears were ringing from the craziness of the party, and he leaned back in the passenger seat as Charles drove out of the neighborhood and back into town. The buzz he’d had was wearing very slowly off, but walking straight always came back last…
“Where would you like to get pancakes?” Charles asked, and Erik shook himself back into the moment.
“I dunno…”
“Not helpful.”
“Meh.”
“Fine, Pancake House it is.”
“Okay,” Erik nodded. It made sense - Pancake House was open late, cheap, and occasionally clean.
“Are you doing okay over there?”
“Mhm.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Hmm… Tell me if you’re gonna throw up, so I can pull over.”
Erik rolled his eyes, but he was grinning. Charles was always so nice to him, even when he was probably being annoying or an anxious train wreck. That’s why it hurt so badly to be around him sometimes. It was times like these, when they were alone together, doing something unnoteworthy, when Erik realized how much he liked Charles. He was such a kind soul, always willing to help and listen, talented, brilliant - he could go on forever. Hanging around with Charles was more to him than “two guys being dudes.” Charles had a spot in his heart, something no one had received in a long while. But it’d never work. Absolute disasters could never be with someone organized. Besides, if telling Charles scared him away, he’d die. They’d been friends since they met at university orientation over two years ago. He couldn’t lose him. He’d already lost his parents…
The restaurant was surrounded by almost blinding streetlights, and Charles even flipped down his sunglasses as they pulled into the empty lot.
“Jesus, you’d think that with their clientele usually be being stoned or drunk, they’d not line the place with interrogation grade lamps,” Charles commented as he parked precisely between the lines.
“Yeah,” Erik nodded, blinking back the static across his vision.
“Let’s get some food.”
Charles walked with Erik inside, holding an arm out, just in case he felt dizzy. Erik followed him, and even thought for half a second that Charles was holding out his hand for him to take. But he was just making sure he didn’t fall… My heart hurts…
“Hey, sit wherever you’d like,” the woman behind the counter called, handing them menus. Charles thanked her and led Erik to a corner booth, allowing him to choose his side before sliding across him.
“I’m so hungry!” Erik groaned as he looked over the options. More decisions to be made…
“Well, try to figure out what you want, so we can order faster.”
“Aaah…”
“What can I get you two to drink?” The waitress asked, order pad in hand.
“I’d like lemonade please,” Charles replied, smiling warmly.
“And for you?”
“Umm… water please,” Erik said, eyes still searching across the menu. Pecan pancakes? Blueberry pancakes? The summer special with pineapple?
“Alright, I’ll be right back to get your food order in. Glad to see you again, Charles, it’s been a while!”
“That it has! Glad to see you too, Emma.”
“Thank you,” Erik called after her, his voice shaking slightly as he pored over the menu.
“Erik, it’s okay,” Charles said quietly. “There’s nothing to worry about. Everything here tastes pretty good; nothing you order will be gross.”
“Th-Thanks…”
“Do you want me to order for you?”
“I don’t wanna make you do that… I should push myself… I don’t know why I’m like this. I just lock up and get scared about the stupidest things sometimes, and I really need to deal with it and get over it…”
“Hey, hey, I got this. I think I know you pretty well. And it’s not your fault. With the trauma you have from losing your parents, it’s normal to struggle with things like this.”
“I… I dunno.”
“I’m a psych major specializing in counseling, Erik.”
“… you’re right…”
“I’m sorry if I was pushing you a little earlier. I hope you know I never want to cause you any anxiety or pain.”
“No, no, it’s okay! I need to be pushed… I just get so stuck sometimes.”
“Well, let me know when that happens. I can talk enough for both of us, and probably more. But we can talk through shit too, together.”
Erik grinned, blushing as he looked down at his menu again. Blueberry pancakes. Those sound really good. Blueberry pancakes, blueberry pancakes, blueberry pancakes…
“I’ll try. Thank you.”
“Of course. What are friends for?”
“I’m so glad you’re my friend.”
“Me too. God, I don’t have to pretend around you. I can be me. I don’t have to be the perfect son or the perfect student or the perfect mutant “ambassador” or whatever the fuck.”
“Well, I think you’re perfect right now. You don’t even need to pretend,” Erik whispered, almost hoping Charles couldn’t hear him. It was such a risky statement…
“Oh, thank you. I feel the same way about you.”
Charles gently tapped Erik’s fingers that trembled slight around his menu and smiled broadly.
“How do blueberry pancakes sound?”
“That’s exactly what I wanted,” Erik replied, a little baffled. “How’d you guess that?”
“Oh, well, you were thinking about them really hard, and I think I got a wave of it. You know…” He tapped his temple.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to be loud!”
“No! You’re perfectly fine!”
“Aaah…” Erik heart pounded against his chest, anxiety washing over him. He hadn’t meant to give Charles those thoughts. Fuck, shit, fuck…! What else had he sent out? What did Charles already know? God, what if he knew? What if he was going to stop being his friend?
“Erik, Erik, it’s okay! Look at the silverware!” Charles urged, and Erik realized all the metal utensils were curled up and writhing on the table and that Charles had a tight grip on his hand.
“Fuck, I’m so sorry, I need to get a hold of myself. Okay, shit, I can to fix this.”
“Oh goodness, don’t worry about that! I’m sure they’ve seen worse. Just breathe with me, okay? In and out, very good.”
Erik took breath after shaky breath with Charles’ guidance, and he started to descend from his panic. He held his trembling hand out, and the silverware slowly bent back into their original shapes.
“I… I’m so sorry…”
“There’s nothing to be sorry for, my friend.”
“But I keep freaking out on you and being stupid.”
“You’re not being stupid at all. Struggling never is, and I’m here to support you.”
“I can’t even order for myself at a fucking Pancake House…”
“Your point being?”
“I’m pathetic!”
“That’s bullshit.”
“It’s not! I need to get over myself!”
“If I had trouble ordering, would you tell me that?”
“No…”
“There it is. See?”
“But that’s because you’re … you! You’re so amazing and nice to everyone and good at everything. I’d do anything to have the stability you do.”
“Oh goodness…” Charles chuckled, shaking his head. “Erik, I think there’s something I should tell you.”
“What?”
“It took me years to get here. I couldn’t order my food until I was through… um, an intensive treatment facility at 18. I… made bad choices to motivate myself at Harvard.”
“W-What do you mean?”
“I did drugs. A lot of them. I almost died, on multiple occasions.”
“What?”
“Mhm. I haven’t always had my life seemingly together. My anxiety was so bad some days I wouldn’t talk at all. I couldn’t make eye contact, and sometimes I wouldn’t breathe deep enough because I was afraid I’d annoy someone by being too loud.”
“I… I know exactly how that feels…”
“So I know a little bit of your struggle. Of course, losing your parents… the way you did is much more severe a trauma, but you’re dealing with it much better than anything I ever did mine.”
“Can I ask you about it?”
“Sure, I don’t mind. I trust you.”
“What… um, drugs did you do?”
“Oh gosh,” Charles laughed. “I know this is cliché as hell being a white boy from a really rich family, but I did a lot of coke. Mostly inhalation, like snorting, but I did inject a couple times. It’s what helped me get through with everything that was going on in my head. I hated my telepathy and being a mutant. I hated that I couldn’t function. I hated being alone and not having any familial figures that gave a shit. I wanted to die so badly, and I stopped caring. I basically shut down from 14 until 17. I drank quite a bit and smoked pot once or twice, but I hated the smell, so never after that. I did pills a little, but not to the extent of the coke or drinking. I didn’t try heroin or meth, but I absolutely thought about it. I knew people, and it would have been easy. Once I started at Harvard, I tried to stop using, but that didn’t last long at all… My genetics prof caught on really fast. He pulled me aside one day when I wasn’t high as a fucking kite, and told me that I didn’t deserve this and that he could help me get help if I wanted it. I think that meeting was the second hardest I’ve cried in my entire life. He got me set up, and I left at the end of that month. After I went to rehab, I figured out I needed to stay clean because I actually cared and I had someone who believed in me. That’s why I decided to transfer here. I needed to get out. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go back, but I don’t think I’d want to anyway. Besides, it’s pretty here, and you’re here.”
“I… I didn’t know, I’m so sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. They were my choices, I made them. But being around you has helped me more than you know.”
Erik was about to respond when a large stack of blueberry pancakes appeared under his nose.
“Oh, gosh, thank you!” He stammered as the waitress handed Charles his chicken tenders and refilled their glasses.
“Enjoy, guys!”
“Wait, how’d you place our order? We were talking!” Erik asked as Charles squirted ketchup all over his plate.
“Oh, I know the waitress because we volunteer at the youth center together. Her name’s Emma, and she’s also a telepath. So it was pretty easy to just send her the orders that way. I told her it was an important conversation.”
“Wow… Thank you so much.”
“Not a problem!”
“Can I ask another question?”
“Of course.”
“Why didn’t you say anything earlier? Like I’m not saying I expected you to tell me or that it was any of my business at all, I’m just curious.”
“I didn’t know when would be the best time to mention it, and I was honestly really scared you’d not want to be my friend anymore. Some people don’t like being around addicts, even if they’re recovering…”
“They’re shitty then.”
“If they’re not recovering themselves or at risk of relapsing, then yeah.”
“I’d never stop being your friend, especially because of stuff you did a while ago. Even if you still were doing it, I wouldn’t leave. I’d want you to get help, but I wouldn’t go anywhere.”
“Thank you, Erik. That really means a lot to me. You’re, well, the first person I’ve told here.”
“Really?”
“Mhm.”
“Thank you. You know, for trusting me.”
“You make it easy. You’re one of the kindest people I’ve ever known.”
Erik blushed scarlet and began to cut into his pancakes with his recently remolded fork. There was a generous amount of blueberries, and that was the best.
They ate together in silence for a little bit, smiling at each other until Charles leaned back in his chair and asked,
“Hey, you wanna go to the river after this? I know it’s definitely too cold to go swimming, but I’ve got a blanket in my trunk, and we could just hang out there, if you want. It’s really pretty at night, and you can see all the stars.”
“I’d love to! Maybe we’ll see a bear.”
“Maybe!” Charles laughed, scooting more fries towards Erik who had been trying to steal them discreetly. “I’ve got some juice boxes somewhere if you like grape juice.”
“That sounds fantastic.”
“Cool!”
Charles refused to let Erik pay, once again using his “I’ll let you get it next time” tactic. He never did. He was very aware of the fact Erik was taking out pretty substantial loans to afford college and struggled getting groceries and things sometimes, so he almost always paid when they went out (always if Erik didn’t occasionally beat him to a bill), which made Erik feel guilty but incredibly relieved at the same time. Charles was pretty open about the fact his family had money, and he always made sure things were taken care of for other people.
Apparently his dad had been a very successful inventor and scientist before he died, and he’d left more than enough money to take care of his son for many lifetimes. Brilliance seemed to run in the family because Charles was a genius, and he had starting investing and doing very well for himself, and he was extremely diligent and responsible about his funds. He’d even taught Erik how to budget more efficiently and how to do his taxes. And now that Erik knew he was a recovering addict, it was all even more astounding.
“Jesus, how’d it get cold so fast?” Charles questioned as they pushed through the door and into the night air.
“I don’t know. It has to be like 40 out!”
“Yikes, yikes. We don’t have to go the river if you think it’s too cold. We can do something else, or I can drive you back to the dorms, whatever you wanna do!”
“Nah, let’s go. I’ve got my coat in your car, and you can borrow it if you need to!”
“How chivalrous!” Charles smiled as he turned on the car, rubbing his hands together for warmth.
“I try,” he replied, grinning and feeling a little brave. What if Charles liked him too? What if he wants me to make the first move? What if he’s scared like me?
Charles was a careful driver, and Erik closed his eyes as they drove down the winding roads to the river. The radio was playing some indie song quietly, and he just wanted to hold Charles’ hand so badly. If this was a movie, this would be the first romantic scene… Something small and cute, me putting my hand on his knee or leaning up against him.
“Motherfucker!” Charles yelled as the car lurched to the left, horn blaring, and Erik almost jumped out of his seat, heart beating fast. “Son a bitch!”
“What? What happened?” Erik asked frantically, eyes scouring the dark for anything.
“Some bastard was driving down the wrong side of the road with their headlights off, and they would have hit me if I hadn’t swerved!”
“Oh my god! Do you want me to dial the police for you?”
“Yeah, might as well if we have service, thank you,” Charles said, nodding as he pulled off the road by the riverbank and flipped on his hazards. “I hope this isn’t too weird, but can I hold your hand for just a second? That’s the closest I’ve ever come to an accident, and I feel really, really sick to my stomach…”
“Oh shit, of course!” Erik offered his hand and his phone to Charles. He clasped it tightly, holding the phone up to his ear.
“Yeah, hi, my name is Charles Xavier, and I was driving on the north highway towards the river, and I almost got hit by someone driving on the wrong side of the road without their headlights on.”
“No, I was able to swerve, but I thought it’d be best to call in to make sure other drivers were safe.”
“Okay, wonderful, thank you.”
“Bye.”
He sighed heavily and leaned back in his chair, eyes firmly closed.
“Sorry you had to witness that. Not the kind of thing I usually like to show guests in my vehicle.”
“It’s not your fault! You saved us!”
“Are you feeling okay? I know I kinda feel like I had a heart attack…”
“I’m okay. I’m worried about you.” Erik gently squeezed Charles’ hand, and Charles smiled, turning to him.
“You wanna go down to the river?”
“Yeah, let’s go,” Erik nodded, heart sinking a little as Charles’ hand slid out of his. The air smelled like fall, and Erik gripped his jacket to his chest as Charles rummaged through his trunk and turned up with a thick wool blanket, a jacket, a half full package of grape juice boxes, and a small battery-powered lamp.
“Do you always come prepared for late night adventures?”
“Oh absolutely,” Charles grinned, pulling the jacket on as he walked towards the water. “You never known when one will come around.”
Erik followed him and helped him spread out the blanket. They climbed onto it and Charles handed him some juice and switched on the lantern.
“This is beautiful,” Erik breathed, laying back and staring up into the night sky.
“It really is. I’m so glad we left that party.” Charles said, lying beside Erik, almost close enough to touch him. Please come closer. I wanna hold your hand…
“Oh, me too!”
“I don’t know if it’s the near death experience or just me losing any reservations I have, but I really need to let you know I like you,” Charles murmured.
“W-what do you mean?” Erik’s heart skipped a beat, and he turned to look at the man lying on the blanket next to him.
“I like you.”
“Is it an ‘I want to date you’ like or ‘you’re a good person’ like?”
“Both.”
“Wow…”
“It’s absolutely fine if you don’t feel the same way. I don’t expect you to. I just thought you deserved to know.”
“But…how?”
“What do you mean?”
“How could you like me?”
“‘How could I not’ is a better question.”
“I’ve had a massive crush on you for such a long time…”
“Wait, really?” Now it was Charles’ turn to be shocked, and when he rolled over, he looked it. Erik had never seen his eyes so wide.
“Mhm.”
“I… I can’t believe… what?”
“Since at least last April.”
“Erik! And you didn’t say anything?”
“I didn’t wanna ruin our friendship. I was so scared you’d not want to be around me anymore.”
“Oh goodness,” Charles smiled, gently stroking Erik’s cheek. “You’re such a darling.”
“You are.”
“Can I come closer?”
“Please,” Erik nodded, his breath hitching in his throat as Charles closed the gap, resting only centimeters from Erik.
“Hi.”
“H-hi.”
“You have really pretty eyes. Did you know that?”
“Aah, thank you!”
“It’s true. You’re so handsome, inside and out.”
“Nah, that’s you.”
“You really are.”
Erik shook his head, burying his face into the blanket.
“Yes. You are. You’re incredible, and I’m not going to let you deny it,” Charles said. “Is it okay if I touch you?”
“Mhm.”
Charles cuddled against Erik and wrapped his arms around him. Erik felt like his heart was going to explode and fling happiness across the river like shrapnel. He’d never imagined he’d be here. He was so relieved. The grating pain that usually pressed against his mind and heart was dissolving. Charles was holding him. He felt truly safe for the first time in a long time.
“Charles?”
“Yes?”
“Can this be a date? I’ve always wanted to have a date under the stars…”
“I was hoping you’d ask that. It’s absolutely a date to me.”
“Yay.”
Erik buried himself deeper into the soft fabric of Charles’ jacket and felt himself relax. It was going to be okay. They were both going to be okay.