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What he really would have wanted is a sexy, hot girl as a roommate, but Tyler was okay too. He wasn’t rich or had any hot sisters, but he was nice, and the most normal out of everyone he interviewed to be his roommate. He cooked sometimes, was quiet after curfew, and always smiled in passing.
Four years later, the two were best friends and did practically everything together. They went to sports games, ate dinner, watched movies. Everyone in the building knew they were inseparable. Perhaps this is why Tyler has found himself recently very uncomfortable with Josh bringing all these girls home.
It’s a Friday night, and both men are home for the weekend. Tyler worked at a coffee shop downtown, in his super senior year of college (it’s his fault for changing his major so many times) while Josh worked for a recording studio that worked with legends. Who those legends were, Tyler didn’t know very well, simply because Josh would always claim they were people Tyler wouldn’t know. And perhaps that was true. Tyler’s taste in music tended to range more on the indie side. Josh had finished his degree the year before and had an actual, grown-up job, while Tyler still felt like the baby that needed to be taken care of. Since Tyler was working a high school entry job and still in school, he wasn’t able to contribute as much towards the bills as Josh was. Josh had promised it was okay, that once Tyler was out of school and was a big shot musician, he could make it up, but Tyler has never felt that way. He felt as if he’d always be in debt to Josh for letting him in as his roommate. Tyler had always wondered if Josh viewed letting him stay here as charity. He really hoped not.
“I was thinking about ordering pizza,” Tyler calls out to his roommate hiding in his bedroom with the door cracked, “you want any?”
“Nah,” Josh pokes his head out, his hair sticking all over the place. Tyler tugs nervously on the telephone cord. “I got a date tonight. Won’t be back till later.”
He forces a smile. “Hey, good for you, dude.” Tyler couldn’t get a date even if he died. He seemed to be wearing some kind of girl repellent. “Are you gonna bring her back?”
“That’s the plan!” Josh shoots Tyler with his lame finger guns and disappears back into his room. With a sigh, Tyler sets the phone down and retreats to the sofa. He doesn’t really have an appetite anymore. The only reason he wanted to order pizza was so he and Josh could spend time together.
He settles on watching television and by the time the show’s over, Josh is shutting the door to his bedroom, patting his front pockets to make sure he has his keys and his wallet. He looks so incredibly attractive that Tyler has to remind himself that he likes girls and is definitely, 100% straight. Er, sort of.
Josh runs a hand through his unruly, curled hair. “Okay. I’ll give you a call from a payphone if I’m bringing this chick home tonight.”
“Thanks.” Josh probably would bring that girl home, which meant Tyler would be forced to listen to Josh having sex for the hundredth time this month through their thin walls. He doesn’t want to be a cockblocker, though, so Tyler never says anything. It’s not Josh’s fault he can’t get a girl to fall in love with him. If anything, Tyler could always go across the hall and crash with Mark and Michael. They always left their door unlocked for situations like this. They knew how many girls Josh fucked in a week. It was a surprise he didn’t have any STDs.
“You got anything going on tonight?”
“I’ll probably just watch the Jackets game.”
“Oh, is there one of those on tonight?” Josh asks as he opens the fridge and cracks open a beer. After a long sip, he wiggles his eyebrows.
“I think there’s one most nights. During the season, that is.” Tyler had pretended over the past four years to be a “sports” guy. That meant watching the games with Josh and cheering wildly whenever his attractive roommate did as well. Tyler probably would watch pay-per-view porn and jerk off for a good while.
“Let me know the score when I get back.”
“Sure.”
There are a few moments of awkward silence as Josh disappears into the bathroom to finish getting ready and Tyler turns up the volume on the television to really commit to the lie of understanding whatever the hell was going on in that hockey arena. When Josh leaves the apartment, Tyler lets out a breath he had been holding and immediately shuts the game off. He has to admit: it doesn’t take much for him to reach his climax when he’s thinking about Josh.
Tyler hates how thin the walls are in the apartment, especially tonight. Josh ended up bringing that girl home and she’s loud, over-the-top loud, like she’s getting paid to scream. In fact, she’s so loud that Tyler is having a hard time hearing Josh. Not that he’s avidly trying to make out Josh’s moans, no— he’s just surprised that Josh isn’t being as loud. Yeah. That’s all it is.
Occasionally he can make out a grunt or a swear, but that’s about it. He nestles a pillow over his head and pushes it down over his ears, trying to muffle the noise. Unfortunately, that wannabe pornstar of a woman won’t pipe down. Tyler even begins to debate getting up to tell ‘em to shut up, but he doesn’t. Tyler’s just jealous, that’s all. He wants it to be him rocking the headboard of his bed with a girl screaming his name.
Or even better— Josh screaming his name.
Tyler has always kept his sexuality on the down low, pretended he was straight, and that had always been what kept him sane having an extremely attractive roommate. Knowing Josh was straight meant he was out of grasp and out of mind. It would always be better to be in a relationship with Josh, but being his best friend was the second best thing and Tyler didn’t want to lose that.
Finally, Tyler has had enough. He wraps his duvet around his shoulders and drags himself out of the bedroom, out of the apartment, and across the hall to Mark’s apartment. Mark was a childhood friend of Tyler’s, someone he had known for a long time. He had actually been one of the reasons Tyler moved in with Josh, because knowing someone familiar was around and would be in time of need was a comforting thought.
The door is unlocked, as usual, so Tyler invites himself in and beelines to Mark’s bedroom. After a loud knock, Tyler tucks the blanket tight around his shoulders and puts on his best begging face in the time it takes Mark to open the door.
“Dude, it’s like one in the morning.” He rubs his eyes and smacks his lips. Tyler sticks out his bottom lip.
“Josh is having sex.”
“Lemme guess. Loud sex?”
“Bingo.”
With a sigh, Mark opens the door invitingly, allowing Tyler to push inside and face plummet onto the bed. He curls up underneath Mark’s blankets, adding his own to the pile as Mark turns on the bedside lamp and settles down next to him.
“I guess it wouldn’t be so difficult to hear him doing that if... if...”
Mark raises an eyebrow. “If it was with you?”
Tyler can feel his cheeks turning pink. “I don’t want to say it... but, uh, yeah.” He sighs obnoxiously and looks up at the ceiling. “It’s frustrating pretending I’m straight.”
Next to him, Mark stifles his laughter. “I want to say you’re doing a good job, but watching you have conversations with Josh is a bit of a dead giveaway.”
A frown. “What do you mean?”
“Tyler, you have absolutely no clue about anything even remotely related to sports.”
“That’s not true!”
“It’s fine though, because Josh doesn’t either.”
“Wait, really?”
Mark rolls his eyes. “Yes. He’s got some secrets of his own, that’s for sure. I just think you two should have a conversation and work through all of this. You can still be friends and it isn’t like you need to announce your undying love for him. I just think it’s ridiculous that you guys do all this pretending when literally everyone around you knows you’re both pretending.”
“I can do that tomorrow, though, right?” Tyler snuggles closer to Mark, who groans teasingly and rolls to the edge of the bed. Just to further piss Mark off, Tyler wraps his arms around his friend and squeezes him tightly. “I promise I’ll talk to him.”
“You know it’s okay to like men, yeah? I know there are a lot of people out there who might not feel the same way, but that doesn't make them right. And you and your future partner might not be able to get married any time soon, but you’ll still love each other.”
“That’s true.”
“I just think you’ll be able to breathe a little better if you let yourself be you.”
Tyler knows Mark is right. He’s just scared. He’s always been so scared. The time period they lived in was a conservative one; sure, not as conservative as the 1980s, but still conservative enough that Tyler was afraid to even come across as anything but masculine. As much as he wanted to branch out and shop in the women’s section, he refused, decking himself out in straight leg jeans and heavy sweatshirts that usually had sports logos or team names on them. To be himself meant a lot of things that he was terrified of sharing with the world and especially his own friends.
“What if he...” Tyler is struggling to get the words out. “What if he doesn’t like me that way? Or he doesn’t think my lifestyle is like, appropriate or something?”
“I don’t think Josh is going to think that way, Ty. He’s your best friend. He’ll support you.”
“You think so?”
“I know so.” Mark pokes Tyler’s nose. “You can stay and cuddle me tonight only because you’re warm, but if you mention this to anyone, I will kill you.”
Tyler tucks his arms and legs around Mark’s body so he’s the big spoon and smiles into the dark when Mark turns the light off.
He’s awake before Josh the next morning, shoving two toaster strudels into the toaster with minimal effort. He feels nervous and sick to his stomach about approaching Josh with information about his sexuality. Tyler knows Mark is right, that Josh will be supportive, but he’s still nervous that it might not be like that.
Josh pads out in nothing but his boxers, set low on his hips, yawning and rubbing his eyes. He smiles politely as he slides into the stool at the counter. “Mornin’.”
“Hey,” Tyler pulls a plate out from the cabinet, “how’d you sleep?”
“Really good. You?”
“Good.”
“Where’d you sleep last night? I saw your door was open when I stepped out to use the bathroom.”
“Went to Mark’s,” he hopes his nonchalance is subtle enough that Josh doesn’t think he’s faking it. That would be even more embarrassing than everything that’s happened. “I figured you’d want some privacy if you ended up bringing that girl home.”
“Oh, you didn’t have to do that!” A pause. “I did bring her home though. And it was really, really great.”
“That’s really great to hear!” Tyler fakes his enthusiasm as he plops the toaster strudels down on a plate. “Glad you had a good night.”
“Yeah,” Josh runs a hand through his hair, “you wanna go to the coffee shop? My treat.”
Only because he’s eager to spend time with Josh, Tyler pushes his breakfast to the side and nods his head eagerly. “I’d love to.”
Josh gestures to Tyler’s lame excuse for breakfast. “I guess you already made food though.”
“No. I don’t need this.” Tyler launches them into the garbage and reaches for his tennis shoes. “Let’s go.”
Josh chuckles as he stands up and adjusts the waistband of his boxers higher up his hips. “Lemme just get dressed.”
They make their exit to the timely tune of classic nineties laugh tracks.
“I got it.” Tyler slides a crisp, ten dollar bill over their receipt.
“Absolutely not,” Josh pushes Tyler’s money away with a twenty dollar bill of his own, “I asked you to come with me.”
“It’s okay, you always pay.” Tyler raises an eyebrow as he tries to bump Josh’s money away again, but Josh swats his hand.
“Okay. Rock, paper, scissors.”
“Fine. On three.” Josh’s paper beats Tyler’s rock, prompting his competitive self to demand, “best two out of three.”
“If you say so,” Josh is smug, but it is Tyler’s scissors that beat his rock. He sighs. “Okay. One more round.”
Tyler wins, which is all he needs to boost his self-esteem for the day. He triumphantly marches up to the front counter to pay, sticking his tongue out at Josh behind him who rolls his eyes playfully. When he makes his way back, Josh has pulled out a pack of cigarettes and is balancing it on his knee as he goes to light one.
“I thought you stopped that.” Tyler frowns. It had almost been an entire year since he saw Josh smoking; surely he wouldn’t give it all up now.
“Yeah, uh, no.” Josh looks ashamed. “I said I did, but I didn’t.”
“So... why now?” Tyler stares intently at him, trying to figure out why, after all that time, Josh decided to reveal that he had been lying.
He shrugs. “I guess I got tired of hiding things from you.”
Since Josh isn’t allowed to smoke inside the coffee shop, the two of them leave, the shrill ring of a bell the only indication they were there. Tyler shoves his hands into his jacket pockets and looks up at the sky.
“You said you were tired of hiding things from me.”
“Yeah,” Josh nods his head, holding his lit cigarette between his thumb and forefinger, “we’re best friends. I felt awful.”
“I have a secret of my own I think I should share.”
He blinks. “Really?”
“Yes. And... it’s kind of a big thing. But I want you to know that I’m still me. I’m still Tyler. Even after this.”
Josh looks over at him like Tyler just announced he was dying or something. “Is this when you tell me you’re a werewolf?”
A snort. “You wish. Unfortunately, it’s not that exciting.”
“Okay, then.” Josh stops off to the side to crush the butt of his cigarette under his boot and reaches out to pat Tyler’s shoulder supportively. “I’m all ears.”
Tyler takes a deep breath. This is it. This is where he finds out Josh’s true colors. He’s so terrified that he’ll lose his best friend by revealing the truth, but Mark was right. Tyler needs to be able to breathe again.
“So, like, the thing is... I’m not exactly... straight.”
“Oh.” Josh blinks a couple of times, the cogs in his head processing the information. “So you’re like... gay?”
Tyler clicks his tongue. “I dunno if that’s the right label. I guess I’d just say I have a preference for men.” Actually, I have a preference for you. Just you. God, I think of kissing you every single day of my life.
“Okay.” Josh shrugs. “That’s okay, really. Just means more girls for me, yeah?”
“Sure.”
Josh smiles, but to Tyler, it seems forced. The air around them seems different than it did before Tyler came out. He knew it would be awkward at first, but this? Tyler didn’t know how to describe this.
“And just because I like men doesn’t mean I’m gonna crush all over you,” Tyler blatantly lies, causing Josh to start laughing nervously.
“No, no, I didn’t think that at all! I wouldn’t kick you out because you’re gay.”
“That’s good.”
“Yeah.” Josh clears his throat and runs a hand through his hair. They spend the rest of the walk back home in silence.
Josh chain-smokes on the balcony that night. Tyler wants to say something, but he’s a coward. That’s how Josh copes, so who is Tyler to stop him? And how?
He sits in the living room on the sofa numbingly watching the Ohio State basketball game on television. He had no clue what’s going on, but is mostly using it for background noise.
It feels like Josh is scared of him. Tyler doesn’t know any other way to describe it. Josh said he didn’t care, but it certainly seemed like he did. It was a Saturday night and Josh wasn’t out at bars picking up hot chicks and having steamy sex. Instead, he was out on the patio, smoking cigarette after cigarette, blackening his lungs because everyone has to die of something.
Tyler blames himself. Maybe he should have kept his mouth shut and helped Josh deal with his smoking problem first. He was an idiot to drop the “I’m gay” shit immediately after Josh dropped his own shit first.
He didn’t want anything to change, but Tyler had fucked that up too.
The game is at halftime when Josh steps back inside the apartment. He throws his empty cigarette carton in the trash can before dropping down next to Tyler on the couch.
“Can I be honest? I fucking hate sports.” Josh sticks his limbs out like a starfish, causing Tyler to chuckle nervously.
“I fucking hate sports too.”
Josh turns the television off and tosses the remote on the ground, causing both of the batteries to pop out of the back. Neither of them make a move to fix it. “Why do we do this, man? Why do we pretend to like things because other people do?”
“We’re scared of being different, I guess.”
“You’re right. I couldn’t care less about fucking Ohio State or the Blue Jackets or whatever other shit is going on TV. And you know what else? I hate beer!” He barks out a loud laugh. “I’d so much rather go for some fruity wine or like, a screwdriver. Not beer.”
“I want to go to a Britney Spears concert and see Moulin Rouge. Oh, and wear floral stuff.”
“Why don’t we just do it? Say fuck it and do what we want. Why do we let society control us?”
“I don’t know.” And he doesn’t. All Tyler knows is that he’s scared of letting other people see the real him. He’d rather come across as collected, calm, and cool to the world around him. “I guess it’s just fear.”
“Fear, right.” Josh huffs. “Fear is stupid.”
Tyler couldn’t possibly agree more.
A few seconds pass before Josh leans over, his hand clutching Tyler’s thigh tightly as he moves to kiss him. In shock, Tyler pulls back, his eyes the size of saucers.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” Josh begins to sputter like a leaking faucet as his cheeks blossom into a shade of red. “I don’t know what I was thinking--”
“Josh!” Tyler grabs the sides of his face with sweaty palms and runs his thumb over Josh’s cheekbone. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
His shoulders slump when Tyler leans back in to kiss him properly this time. The nicotine on his breath doesn’t bother Tyler at all, surprisingly. His lips are soft and when his tongue caresses Tyler’s bottom lip, they both moan in unison. Tyler thinks it might possibly be the best kiss he’s ever had in his entire life.
And it’s with Josh. Holy heck, it’s with Josh.
Josh presses his thumb against Tyler’s bottom lip with they pull away. He beams.
“I’ve dreamt about doing that since you moved in,” he admits.
“Really?” He can’t believe this happening.
“No one I’ve ever dated compares to you.”
Tyler looks at his hands playing with the hem of his shirt. “What about all those girls you’ve banged?”
“Is it weird if I admit I thought of you?”
“Every time?”
“Every damn time.” A pause. “I’m sorry I was so weird when you came out to me earlier. I think it’s because I knew I wouldn’t be able to come out to anyone like you came out to me. I was jealous. But when I thought about it, I realized that I don’t care about anyone like I care about you. I love you.”
“I love you too.” Tyler shifts to kiss him again. It feels like it will never get old. He hopes it never will.
“Would, uhm, sex with me be something you’d be interested in?”
“Is this how you charmed all those girls into your pants?”
Josh blushes. “It’s different with you.”
In Tyler’s head, the audience is whooping and hollering, encouraging them to be like Marvin Gaye and get it on. Perhaps that is what gets him into Josh’s bedroom without throwing up.
“We’ll have to tell Mark and Michael,” Tyler murmurs against Josh’s neck as they take off each other’s clothes.
“Tomorrow,” Josh says.