Chapter Text
Dear Diary,
Something horrible happened. Is that really surprising? It seems like everything that's happened to me in the past three years has been horrible. A tragedy. Something I might never recover from. But this is different. I really don't think I will recover.
I'm not sure I'll be able to get through this without crying. I've been crying for days. At least, that's what it feels like. I cry myself to sleep at night and I cry myself awake the next morning. I didn't even think that was something possible, but apparently it's all I can do. Because the person who supported me and comforted me and tried so hard and would do anything for me, is gone. Damon is dead.
Not Vampire dead. Not maybe-Bonnie-can-find-a-spell-and-everything-will-be-okay dead, or lets-find-a-powerful-immortal-who-has-some-trick dead. Not even ghost-on-the-Other-Side dead. Just Dead. Him and Bonnie. Gone forever.
It was supposed to be okay. Damon was supposed to come back with everyone else. He promised he would come back to me. He promised.
Now he's gone. Liv and Luke stopped the spell and ran and Damon was trapped, and now I've lost him and Bonnie. Their souls were sucked into oblivion and I will never see either of them again. My oldest and best friend, more like a sister to me, and the love of my life.
And he was the love of my life. I've never felt anything more strongly than how much I loved him. I hope he knew that. I hope he knew how much I depended on him. I need him. It's not just that he was there for me through everything that happened for the past two years, or that he was the one person I could count on no matter what, because no matter what was going on he would always pull himself together to be there for me. It was more than that. It was everything. It was his smile, his hair, his voice, his eyes, his hands. And now he's gone, it's all gone, and I am drowning in lack of Damon.
I don't know if I'm making it worse by sleeping in his bed or wearing his shirts. All I know is I can't not. I need to surround myself with everything that's left of him or I can't breathe. I even carry his daylight ring around with me. Sheriff Forbes found it on his body, when they returned his things to Stefan. It's melted and deformed, but it was his. And I miss him. I miss him like I miss a part of myself.
I know they're worried about me. Jeremy and Ric and Caroline. Even Stefan, lost in his own grief, found the time to worry about me. I don't know what to do, how to make them stop asking me if I'm okay. Because I'm not. How could I be? I can't put on a smile and pretend. I can't act like everything is fine, because no matter what, I can't go half a day without a breakdown. All it takes is one word, one accidental brush against something that reminds me of Damon, and suddenly I can't breathe, or stand, or do anything but sob. The truth is I feel hollowed out and empty. Like someone tore a hole in my life and that void is going to consume me.
Maybe it will get easier. Maybe one day I will be okay. I won't be happy, I know I can never be happy. But maybe I can be okay.