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It had been a trying day, which led each member of Team Tardis to seek their own refuge. In Yaz’s case, this meant making a cup of tea while she watched the Great British Bake Off – there were serious perks to being aboard a time-ship, the signal magnification was amazing if the lack of buffering time was anything to go by.
Yaz wandered into the kitchen to find the Doctor, standing facing the hobs, sauce-covered wooden spoon in hand and a weird smell in the air.
“Hi Doctor,” Yaz paused as she set her mug down on the adjoining counter and went to refill the kettle, “what cha making?”
“Hi Yaz,” the Doctor looked up from stirring something in a saucepan briefly to beam at her. Yaz’s heart gave its usual little flutter at the sight. “Well, it started out as good ol’ spag bol. And then it became Spag Bol Surprise, but uh- now I’m not too sure?”
Yaz peered into the saucepan. “Are those jellybeans? And mini marshmallows?”
The Doctor nodded, “some chocolate buttons too but they’ve mostly melted,” she answered cheerfully. “I thought they would liven it up a bit.”
Yaz looked at her with a what-are-you-like kind of smile, “you haven’t done much cooking before, have you?”
“Uh- not a lot, no… But I have a very reliable source,” she picked up Ryan’s old phone from the counter and swiped up to show an open webpage with detailed cooking instructions.
Upon closer inspection, Yaz saw it was the Barbie cooking website. Yaz looked at the Doctor questioningly.
“Ryan did say I could borrow it, as long as I ‘don’t touch, move or remove anything.’” She stage whispered the last bit to Yaz as she picked up the open packet of tiny marshmallows on the counter and poured a few more into the pot.
“That’s- It’s not- Barbie? I mean…You know what, I’m not even gonna ask.”
She went back to sorting out her tea with a light chuckle at the Doctor’s adventures; nothing was ever boring with her around, she was always up to something.
The Doctor looked at Yaz forlornly; utterly crestfallen but trying not to show it; she had entirely misinterpreted Yaz’s reaction. A combination of sleep deprivation, an emotionally-exhausting day, and fragile home-related skills, like cooking, had left her a little more sensitive to criticism than usual. She knew she wasn’t good at things like this, but she was trying. It was difficult to practice things like this, without the motivation of someone to learn from, or cook for, or the time to actually do it between trying to save everybody else.
Yaz missed the shift in atmosphere completely.
As Yaz picked up her mug obliviously, warming her hands around it as she leaned back against the counter, a small voice piped up; “I just thought it would be fun, you know?”
Yaz did notice the change of tone, and stepped forward, placing a hand on the Doctor’s back gently, but the Doctor didn’t react to the touch or look up to meet her gaze, as she would usually.
“Oh no, you’ve got me all wrong, Doctor, I didn’t mean it like that.” The Doctor was looking at the inedible concoction in the saucepan intently, watching a rouge marshmallow finally be melted at the side.
“You think-“
“Hey,” Yaz interrupted, “I’m the only one who knows what I think. And I’ll happily tell you.”
The Doctor didn’t speak, though her stirring slowed, indicating she was listening; but she still wouldn’t look at Yaz.
“I think you’re brilliant. You’re wonderful and kind and intelligent, and every day we spend together just further proves that you’re the best person I’ve ever met. I wouldn’t change anything about you, Doctor, even if you do get us into life-threatening situations every other day.” Yaz put as much emphasis on her words as she could, wanting her to feel the truth that drove them. “You always try your best and try new things I love that about you. It doesn’t matter if they go right or not, there’s no judgement here for that..”
The Doctor pursued her lips, “once a week.”
Yaz grinned, “if you say so, Doctor.” Yaz studied her face for a moment; she still looked a bit fragile. “Do y’know, I have never been more scared, or felt more brave, than when I’ve been travelling with you. You bring out the best in me, and Ryan, and Graham, and everyone else along the way. You inspire us just by being you.”
The Doctor sniffled a little, “even when I mess up spag bol?”
“Even when- No, that’s not spag bol.” Yaz spoke with such an authority as she declared it, that the Doctor let out a little chuckle.
“Italian cuisine isn’t my best, to be fair,” she looked at Yaz, “I make a mean burger though; you should try it sometime; I’ve been told it’s the best in the galaxy.” The Doctor preened a little. It might be a simple thing to make, but it had served her well.
“I look forward to trying that sometime,” Yaz lifted her hand from the Doctor’s back and returned to leaning on the counter, giving her space if she wanted it.
The Doctor took the spoon she’d been stirring with and scooped up a little bit of everything, “well, here goes nothing; the moment of truth.”
“Doctor, NO-“
Before Yaz could stop her, she’d already eaten it. Yaz put her hand over her mouth as the Doctor’s face scrunched up in disgust.
“Oh these new taste-buds are entirely unpredictable,” she sighed. “Who knows what I like now.”
“I can’t believe you did that.”
“What? Mock my cooking if you will, but those things all taste great. It just makes sense they would taste good together- Oh. Oh I didn’t account for the reactions due to the acidity differences between the sweets and the tomatoes… that’s why it all went wrong! Such a rookie mistake. But then, I am a rookie so I’m allowed this one.”
Yaz stared at the Doctor as she started thinking aloud as to which foods would be best to dilute it; of all the people to fall for, this was who made her the happiest in the world. There was the occasional moment she didn’t quite believe the truth of it, until the Doctor gave her a wink and her heart beat stuttered.
“Right then, let’s try this again. From scratch, save any confounds, and maybe make a new recipe in the process!”
Yaz took the saucepan from the Doctor’s hand.
“Nope. No, you are not making that again without supervision.”
“But-“
“I’ll help you.”
The Doctor’s whine ceased immediately as a happy grin broke across her face.
“Cooking with Yaz? Amazing.”
Yaz shook her head, “well I can hardly let you eat,” Yaz gestured to the assorted packets of sweets and spaghetti on the table. “Besides, I’m a fairly decent cook.” Growing up with a family determined to make her fully equipped to prep any dish from scratch at a moment’s notice, and cooking with her, had given her that confidence.
The Doctor’s eyes lit up as an idea popped into her head. “Hang on a minute; remember those dishes we had with your grandmother before the wedding in 1947?”
“The traditional ones? Yeah…”
“Do you know how to make them?”
Yaz nodded, not really expecting what came next.
“Would you teach me?”
The Doctor was looking at Yaz with the excitement of a kid on their birthday. It touched Yaz; she’d never seen someone so excited as the prospect of cooking something she’d been making for years. Come to think of it, no one outside of her family had ever asked her to make the kind of food she usually ate at home, let alone practically offered to make it with her. It gave her a strangely light feeling as she smiled at the Doctor, at how the she was so enthused to learn from her and engage with this bit of her culture enough to do more than try it, but try to make it. She really was something else.
“’Course I will. Let’s do it.”
“Brilliant. Where do we start?”
“With a lot of bowls and a chopping board…”
Yaz was looking through different cupboards for the right herbs and spices, when she noticed that the Doctor hadn’t replied. She caught her gaze as she turned around, cumin in hand. The Doctor was looking at her in a way Yasmin couldn’t decipher.
Then, the Doctor spoke, “it was your Gran, right? She taught you how to make it?”
Yaz tilted her head, “technically my mum tried first, but me Nan wouldn’t let her finish; she kept saying she wasn’t doing it right.” Yaz smiled fondly at the memory, “she’s a bit of a perfectionist with things like that. Though she also measures in ‘a pinch of this’ and ‘a dash of that’ which isn’t always the easiest set of instructions to follow, unless you’ve seen her do it like a million times growing up.” She cleared aside the strewn about packets of sweets and other unnecessary things which were taking up the workspace.
Looking at Yaz as she worked, the Doctor had a sudden thought that she would be fairly happy to stay here forever; Yaz prepping ingredients in the Tardis kitchen as she watched, ready to be helpful as needed. She had thought about domesticity before, what that kind of life would be like, in the sense of trying to understand it. But she had been looking at it logically and she knew now without an inkling of doubt that was all the wrong approach. In this moment, she understood it properly, and it had never seemed quite so magnetic In its appeal. It also told her that maybe this, what she felt for the transfixing woman in front of her, was quite probably a little bit more than just a crush.
Yaz looked at her, all the requisite ingredients laid out in front of them on the table, “ready, Doctor?”
The Doctor gulped, trying to pull herself back to being in the world outside of her thoughts, “Yes, totally, one hundred percent.”
Yaz directed the Doctor as she had learned to do things herself from her family, keeping things a fair bit more chilled though. After all, it wasn’t the end of the world if it didn’t go as planned, they could always order in. Besides, they’d been through enough high-pressure situations recently, this was definitely the time to chill and they deserved it.
~~~~~~~
The Doctor sprinkled a last bit of powder on top, before putting a lid on the saucepan. “So, how did I do?” She turned to Yaz with the overly-confident air of someone who was fairly certain they had done well.
“Steady now, we’ve got to let it simmer for a few more minutes, before it’ll be ready to eat.”
The Doctor nudged Yaz with her elbow, looking up at the ceiling innocently, “but…”
Yaz rolled her eyes, “but yes, you did great.” Yaz remembered when she had originally been taught it by her family, “much better than my first time. Although I was seven at the time, so…”
The Doctor looked at Yaz with her head titled, the playful air all of a sudden replaced by a tone which belied the truth in her words, “you are brilliant, Yaz.”
“Oh- thanks Doctor.” Yaz trying to brush the unexpected compliment off; she’d never been good at knowing what to do when praised.
But the Doctor wasn’t going to let it go so easily, she stepped closer, ducking her head down a little to catch Yaz’s floor-bound gaze as she put a hand on her shoulder.
“I mean it. You are truly a wonder, Yasmin Khan, and the world’s a better place for having you in it.”
Yaz looked at the Doctor, seeing the sincerity in her eyes and feeling the warmth of her touch through her shirt. Their gazes locked, neither moved, both happily caught up in the moment of calm that surrounded them. It may have only been a few seconds, but it felt a lot longer; right up until the timer went off and the spell was broken.
At the noise, the Doctor stepped back and clapped her hands together, “we get to try it! Oh it’s gonna be wonderful, I can feel it.”
Yaz took a moment to make sure she could definitely function after the Doctor looking at her like that, before stepping forward and picking up the wooden spoon. She dipped it in carefully, picking up a small amount of food as the Doctor hovered around her, infectious, child-like glee emanating from her little bounces and general inability to keep still.
Yaz blew over the spoon until the steam had gone, then held it out to the Doctor, for her to have the first taste. The Doctor leant forward, wrapped her lips around the spoon for a moment and closed her eyes. After she had swallowed she opened them again, “oh my stars. Yaz, that is, amazing. Like, capital ‘A’, amazing.”
Yaz breathed a sigh of relief; to be fair there was no reason it shouldn’t have tasted good, but the best laid plans… She was about to dip the spoon in again and try some herself, when the Doctor stepped closer to her, still overly-excited at what they had accomplished.
“Ah, you are wonderful!”
Without any warning, the Doctor cupped Yaz’s face in her hands and kissed her, before stepping back and picking up the two empty bowls on the counter. “I can’t wait to try the rest of it. This is a brilliant day. Look at us, being fabulous chefs! And I did have an excellent teacher,” the Doctor looked up at Yaz as she complimented her, before realising she was standing wide-eyed and stock still, spoon still hovering over the food. She hadn’t moved an inch.
“Uh, Yaz? What’s wrong?”
Yaz had been trying to formulate a normal sentence, and failing, since the Doctor had kissed her.
“Uhh…” It was the best she could manage.
All of a sudden the Doctor had put the bowls down and was holding her head in both hands, looking into her eyes. Seemingly satisfied that nothing was wrong there that she could see, she took Yaz’s hand and held it, checking her pulse.
“Yaz, it would really help me if you could tell me what’s happened.”
Yaz blinked, “you kissed me.” She spoke half disbelievingly, half as though she had just recently awoken from a twelve year coma.
“Oh,” the Doctor crinkled her nose, “is that not how you show affection?”
Yaz coughed, “uh, yeah, no, sometimes. You know, when you meet family or close friends, you kiss them on the cheek.”
Yaz’s gaze flicked to the Doctor’s lips involuntarily for a moment.
“Huh,” said the Doctor. “It would appear I don’t quite have the hang of being a woman just yet. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to cause you any discomfort or…” As she spoke, the Doctor caught sight of Yaz’s pink tinged cheeks and cut herself off.
She took a moment to go over Yaz’s reaction to the kiss, her actions since then. Taking a risk, the Doctor stepped forward, on the borderline of her personal space.
“Yaz, do you like me?”
Yaz tried to laugh it off, “of course I like you Doctor, wouldn’t be travelling with ya otherwise now, would I?”
The Doctor paused and considered which of the different ways this could go, before deciding it was worth the risk. She spoke softly, “I like you.”
Yaz’s gaze flicked to hers, sensing the vulnerability she was allowing Yaz to see. Yaz took a heartbeat to steady her nerves. If the Doctor could be open with her, she could at least summon up the courage to return the favour. After all, what did she have to lose now? The Doctor liked her back, the chance of rejection was obsolete, it was more than Yaz would have realistically dared to dream of, if she cared for the reality of daydreams.
But the words stuck in her mouth, her tongue suddenly as dry as sandpaper and sticking to the roof of her mouth.
The silence stretched between them for too long.
The Doctor looked at Yaz, her wonderful, brilliant Yaz, and buried her feelings with a no-hard-feelings smile, “don’t worry. Things won’t change, you’re part of the team, and this won’t jeopardise that.” She spoke with such conviction, letting Yaz know it was okay that she didn’t like her back, that things would indeed go on as they had before.
But Yaz didn’t want that.
As the Doctor turned away and started towards the door, Yaz grabbed her hand, “wait.” The Doctor turned to face her, features carefully expressionless, though the lack of her usual energy gave her away.
“Yaz, I really meant it about nothing changing. But right now I think-“
“I like you too, Doctor.” The words came out in an almost incoherent jumble.
The Doctor cupped her face and she kept her gaze steady, “Yaz, you don’t have to pretend to feel something you don’t, okay? I never want you to do that, I don’t want you to lie or be uncomfortable, especially not because of me. I’d much rather you were happy and pretending to feel something you’re not, isn’t ever going to be a part of it. We’ll be fine, don’t worry; I just need a bit of space right now, that’s all.” The Doctor let her go and turned to leave again, with a half-hearted smile in place.
Yaz tugged her back by their still joined hands, swinging the Doctor around, before grabbing her waist and kissing her. After a fraction of a moment she felt the Doctor start to kiss her back, and her hands came to rest delicately on her hips, before squeezing softly and trailing up her back, keeping her close as their lips locked.
When the Doctor started to pull away, Yaz let her go briefly, before stealing one more kiss. She felt the Doctor begin to smile as rested their foreheads together, nuzzling against her nose softly in between repeatedly getting teasingly close to kissing her, before pulling away.
“Yasmin Khan, you are full of surprises.” The Doctor spoke in a whisper, as though any greater sound would pull her from what could easily have been a daydream.
“Oh you have no idea.” Yaz grinned as the Doctor chuckled softly. “I reckon you’d know a thing or two about surprises though.”
Yaz ran her hands along the Doctor’s arms and intertwined their fingertips, bringing them to her lips and placing small kisses on each in turn. She couldn’t quite believe she could be this affectionate with the Doctor, that it was beyond allowed, or that the light touches made her giggle; though she was truly enjoying eliciting the sweet, little sounds.
“That’s true,” she pretend to think, before looking Yaz directly in the eye. “I could show you a thing or two if you’d like.” All of a sudden the playfulness of her cute little giggles was gone, replaced by lower, husky voice.
Yaz swallowed, taking a moment to allow herself to check that this was really happening before replying. “Lead the way, Doctor.”
The Doctor raised an eyebrow at Yaz’s tone before winking. She lifted one of their intertwined hands and let go before kissing Yaz’s palm; still holding the other and using it to lead the way as she guided them out of the door and down the winding corridors to her room.