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From the very beginning he knew that thing between them wasn’t normal.
It wasn’t one of those relationships that ended up tiring him after forced conversations right before or after uncomfortable silences. Those relationships that he always regretted to continue because of his own necessity and finished catastrophically, for his mental health and his already stained reputation.
“Keith.”
He looked up, not knowing in what moment he had escaped from looking into his eyes and started to fidget nervously with his fingers.
There it was again, that little change in his voice every time he said his name, every time he talked to him. At first, he confused it with the typical pity that everyone used to attend him, as if they were scared to speak to him louder and break him psychologically.
But that softness, that light and present sweetness that he used to pronounce his name was too different to that. It was what made him pay more attention, that his eyes searched for signals in his face that he wasn’t imagining it, relieved when he always found the sparkle in his eyes that he had never seen directed to himself.
“What’s wrong, Keith?” he asked again, taking a step into his space and causing him an involuntary gasp, his voice sounding concerned, “Is everything alright?”
He blinked a couple of times and nodded, still not finding the words that he had supposedly practiced before he went to talk to him.
“I want... I have something important to tell you,” he could handle in low tone, seeing his expression opening up in curiosity and his smile appearing shyly in his lips.
“I understand,” he said easily, moving his head a bit in half a nod, “Do you want to take a seat?”
He considered it for a bit, glancing where he was gesturing and swallowing at the sight of his bed, and he shook his head, breathing deeply.
“No, it’ll be quick,” he tried to convince himself.
Because, being honest, the only problem was formulating what he was going to say. Because he knew that there wasn’t going to be more after that. Because he was sure that maybe what he looked like an unusual relationship, like a relationship out of the common and banal of other relationships, what he saw so impressive and almost legendary in his messed-up life, was nothing more than his imagination.
He looked into the sparks of his eyes, he listened to the softness of his voice, he felt the affection from his side. But maybe it wasn’t an affection he wished for.
“Shiro, I... uh...” he started sighing and looking down again, his fingers fidgeting once again between them, “Don’t take it too seriously or think that everything has to change because of what I'll tell you, okay? Is just... I couldn’t keep thinking about it by myself and the only thing that I thought it could sort it out was if I told you. And I really don’t want that this changed our friendship. I just-”
“Keith.”
His warm hands reached for his, and his fingers stopped moving at the contact, his breathing coming short and taking a big gulp of air abruptly.
He was talking almost without a pause, and he knew it was the nervousness fault, and while he regained his breath, he left himself drift off by the hands holding his as a silent support, as an anchor to earth that at the same time allowed him to float in his mind.
He had never felt that way for anybody. It couldn’t even compare to the childish crush he had for one of his most annoying classmates before entering the Garrison.
It was a feeling he could recognize vaguely, but that it was so deep it scared him too much. It terrified him what he could think about him, it frightened him what he could answer, it horrified him find again one of those expressions filled with pity that even now it angered him to remember.
He was scared of his rejection.
Because, how someone who is literally a legend could ever reciprocate?
It’d only happen in myths, in one of those fantastic, usually fake stories.
“Take your time, Keith,” he supported him with a squeeze to his hands.
And he couldn’t help feeling guilty for everything that he wished for, for everything the dreamed of after knowing him for a few years, for everything he wanted with all his heart and soul, even though he wasn’t sure what was it.
He needed to end it.
“I... Shiro...” he murmured, and he took a long breath before looking at his eyes, trying to not be defeated by his cowardness.
And finding his smile, directed completely to his being, didn’t help at all, only piercing through his heard painfully.
“I like you, Shiro,” he confessed looking down at the shame.
He clenched his fist when he felt his hands go still in their hold, and he had to swallow back all the words that flooded his mouth and fought to go out. Words to explain what he felt, to justify his emotions, to apologize for them and act as if that didn’t happen, reminding Shiro that he didn’t want anything to change between them after that.
And he was able to contain them all, just because of the tight knot in his throat and the itch in his eyes threatened to break him in cries right there, the silence stretching for so long clawing his chest.
“Keith...”
He panted, shaking his head, hearing that tone of pity that he used to hate from the people that pretended to help him, and his stomach opened in a void, a sob escaping from his lips at the knowledge that the only person he thought would never feel sorry for him, that would never feel pity, was feeling it in that instant.
And it was in that moment that he started to spit out everything he had to say just after his confession.
“What I mean is that I don’t just like you as a friend or a teammate or a leader, but more than that. And as a person, god, Shiro, you’re the best person I’ve ever met in my whole life. And at first, I thought it was just admiration, and even though I really do admire you, everything got messed up and I couldn’t help think about more than a friendship. And I’m sorry that this is too weird, I shouldn’t have misunderstood your kindness. Because that’s what you were doing: being kind. I know you’re my friend and you’d never despise my feelings, but I don’t want you to feel obligated to reciprocate when I’m just-”
“Keith.”
His hands left his in a second, holding his face instead and lifting it up to look into his eyes. Just until he saw the blurry image, he noticed the tears falling from his eyes. And the sobs started going out of his mouth.
“I-I'm sorry,” he apologized again, feeling the thumbs wipe off the tears wetting his cheeks, “I’m so sorry, Shiro...”
He couldn’t see the smile, but the affection he could feel through his hands made him remain calm, as if with that he could convince himself that everything would be alright.
“Don’t apologize,” he said in a whisper, his breath hitting his lips making hm conscious of their proximity, “It’s not something you should apologize for.”
He panted in a choke, nodding ungracefully between his palms and the tears slowly stopped flooding his eyes, his sight getting clear and finding his smile.
But it wasn’t like one of those smiles he always found in his expression. Like the proud smiles every time he overcame an obstacle or excel himself. Or like the relieved smiles he had each time he got away from danger and he was safe and sound.
This smile had shyness, and it had a curve in the edge that made it looked almost hopeful.
“I want to ask...”
He blinked, a little stunned by that expression he had never seen, and then he noticed that one of the hands holding his face had moved to cradle his nape, the fingers gently caressing his scalp. He nodded without thinking, inciting him to continue, and he saw him sigh, biting his lower lip before talking.
“May I kiss you?”
Probably his relationship was actually more than normal, transforming into something mythical but incredibly real.