Chapter Text
Lee Taeyong is in love with a man who hates him.
He doesn’t have any idea why. He’s always been nice to him. He is to everyone, as much as he can be, anyway. He’s painfully shy, and his anxiety gets in the way sometimes, and people often think he’s cold just because of the way he looks. But he tries, he really does. It’s not his fault that Nakamoto Yuta doesn’t want anything to do with him, except to exchange the occasional harsh word in the hallway. (Okay, so maybe he runs home and buries himself under his blankets to cry when that happens. But nobody else knows, so it might as well not happen.) Really, he doesn’t know how he fell for Yuta. Sure, he’s beautiful, but that’s usually not enough for Taeyong. He cares about a kind and caring personality more than a pretty face.
He supposes he fell in love with the way Yuta is around his friends first. Jaehyun and Ten fit him perfectly. When they’re together, Yuta seems happy. Taeyong fell for his smile, and his laugh. He wishes it would ever be directed at him. But the only time Yuta has ever laughed at him, it was cruel and mocking. His only smiles when Taeyong’s around are twisted smirks. And Taeyong really wishes it weren’t that way. He wishes that they could be friends, or maybe even lovers, or really anything but what they are, because it hurts him so much every day to love Yuta so much when Yuta hates him so much.
He manages to hide everything from his roommates, Johnny and Doyoung, and his other friends, Taeil and Kun. He doesn’t want anyone to know about his crush or the heartbreak he feels every time he sees Yuta. It’s a good thing he’s always been a good actor. He knows it’s better to keep his distance, as much as he wants to get closer. It’ll hurt him less in the end.
The only problem is this.
It’s a regular Tuesday afternoon, and he’s in physics. He hates that he has to take it. He’s double majoring in dance and culinary. Physics is totally unnecessary. But it’s the core. And anyways, he does well at it, like he does well at everything. The problem with physics is that Yuta is in the same class. Taeyong tries to keep his head down and not attract Yuta’s attention. For the most part, it works. But today, the teacher is assigning a partner project worth half their grade. And when he calls out, “Lee Taeyong and Nakamoto Yuta,” Taeyong’s heart drops. He wonders what terrible thing he must have done in a past life to deserve this.
He looks tentatively in Yuta’s direction to see him glaring at Taeyong with unmistakable hate in his eyes. Taeyong quickly looks away.
The professor finishes reading his list of names and says, “You may speak to your partner for the rest of the class period. Exchange your contact information. The rest of the time you spend on this project will be outside of class.”
The room fills with chatter. Taeyong looks carefully over at Yuta again. He seems to have no intention of coming over. And Taeyong really doesn’t want to do this, but to keep his scholarship, he needs to have perfect grades. He will not let Yuta ruin everything for him.
So he stands up, takes a deep breath, and marches over to Yuta’s chair. “Look,” he begins, “I know you hate me, but I can’t fail this class, and I’m sure you don’t want to either, so can we please just work together on this project and then go back to whatever we were before?”
Yuta slowly looks up, raising an eyebrow. “What makes you think I hate you?”
Taeyong frowns. That is not a question he’d ever thought Yuta would ask him. “Um...Everything you’ve ever said or done to me?” he says.
Yuta smiles slowly. Still, it’s not the one Taeyong wants to see. “Hmmm,” he says. “Alright. Here.” He holds out his phone to Taeyong.
Taeyong looks at it, blinking in surprise. He hadn’t expected that to actually work. He quickly takes it and enters his phone number. He carefully hands it back to Yuta.
“Alright,” Yuta says with a sigh, leaning back in his chair. “I’ll text you later about meeting up.” It’s obvious that this is Taeyong’s cue to go. He does, quickly returning to his seat.
He carefully begins to pack up his things. He’s very meticulous with this, as he is with everything. He’s the most organized person he’s ever known.
When Taeyong finishes, he sighs and closes his eyes. Hopefully, the project will go well, and they’ll get a good grade. He can’t afford not to. But he also hopes that maybe-just maybe-he and Yuta will make up. Maybe that’s not the right term, since Yuta has hated him fiercely and inexplicably since day one. He just doesn’t want Yuta to hate him for any longer. He doesn’t really expect for them to be friends, and certainly not anything more, no matter how he might dream. It would be more than enough for Yuta to stop snapping at him, and glaring at him, and despising him for no reason.
Still, he can’t help but wish so desperately for something else.
The bell rings. He looks up in surprise and notices Yuta looking at him. For once, his stare isn’t full of malice. His eyes look almost soft and affectionate. Then he notices Taeyong looking back. His strange half-smile morphs into a sneer, before he turns and walks out of the room. Taeyong’s heart suddenly hurts. He quickly blinks back tears, shoulders his bag, and hurries back to his apartment. Luckily, Doyoung has a class, and Johnny is out doing who knows what. He doesn’t want to cry, so he tries to distract himself. It’s 5, a good time to start on dinner, and both of his roommates will be eating here tonight.
He begins to cook, losing himself in the familiar motions of slicing and stirring. He loves cooking. Here, the only thing that makes him cry is cutting onions. The feeling of making things that will make the people he loves happy is something nothing else can replicate.
Johnny arrives half an hour later to the delicious smells of gochujang jjigae. He smiles when he sees Taeyong in the kitchen. The younger is like a brother to him. He knows that cooking makes Taeyong happy, so it makes Johnny happy to see him doing it.
“Hey, John,” Taeyong says, turning to greet him with his million-dollar smile. “Will you set the table?”
“Hey, Yong,” Johnny murmurs, giving him a hug before moving to get dishes and silverware and set them out on the table.
Doyoung comes in five minutes later. “This smells great, Taeyong-hyung!” he says. He disappears down the hallway for a couple of minutes, putting his things in his and Johnny’s room and washing his hands, before emerging and helping Taeyong bring his food to the table.
They all sit down. “Thank you, Taeyong,” Johnny says as they begin to eat.
“Mm-hmmm!” Doyoung says through his mouthful of food.
Taeyong smiles. “Of course,” he says. “Taeil and Kun are coming over for dinner tomorrow. You’ll both be here, right?”
They nod. “Can I bring a couple of my friends, too?” Doyoung asks.
“Of course!” Taeyong says. “How many?” He’s always willing to cook for more people, especially his roommates’ friends.
“Two,” Doyoung says. “Sicheng says he’s been craving your bulgogi.” Taeyong smiles. Sicheng had come over for dinner a couple times. He’s a good kid. “And he asked if he could bring one of his friends. I don’t know him very well, but he seems nice. Do you know Nakamoto Yuta?”
Taeyong’s heart stops in his chest. “I’ve seen him around,” he manages to say. “I’ll be sure to make enough.”
The rest of dinner passes quickly. Johnny and Doyoung disappear into the kitchen to wash the dishes. Taeyong goes to his room and works on homework for a while. Then he gets ready for bed. His routine takes him a while. Shower, get dressed for bed, brush his hair, brush and floss his teeth, skincare. By the time he’s done, it’s almost ten. He’s never liked to stay up late, and anyways, today was particularly draining. It seems like the universe is conspiring against him, but he’ll deal with it, like he always has. He turns off the light, gets in bed, and quickly falls asleep.
He wakes up late the next morning, relieved he doesn’t have a morning class. But he does have one in a little more than an hour, so he pulls himself out of bed and gets ready. Johnny is gone, but Doyoung is typing something on the couch. Taeyong eats something small, gathers his things, and leaves their apartment to a “Bye, hyung!” from Doyoung. He heads to his class and hopes that today will go well.
When he returns to the apartment around two, Johnny and Doyoung are waiting for him. He drops off his things in his room, and then the three of them leave. It’s become a tradition for them to do family dinners every week and go grocery shopping for that week together. They bring their friends and significant others to the dinners. Taeyong usually plans out meals for the week before their shopping trips. He makes sure there are always leftovers. They call him the mom friend for a reason.
Together the three of them select their produce and meat. Tonight he’s making beef bulgogi with tteokbokki and potatoes. He knows Kun will be over to help with the cooking. Taeyong loves sharing the kitchen with the younger. He thinks that Kun is the second mother of the group.
Johnny and Doyoung split the cost of the food. They always pay for it. When they first started rooming together, they worked out a deal. Taeyong does most of the cooking, because he loves it and they’re not very good at it. He also cleans most of the apartment, because his standards of cleanliness are a lot for them to uphold. But they do help him clean, and they do a lot of things around the house. They let him have his own room, and they pay for the food. They both have decent jobs and pretty well-off families. Taeyong’s scholarship covers tuition, books, and his portion of the rent, and his tutoring job can only do so much. It works out. They all take care of each other, like friends and roommates should. He’s glad he has them.
They go home, and he begins to prepare the ingredients. Soon enough, he hears the front door open. He quickly washes his hands and goes out into the hallway to greet Kun. They hug, and then they return to the kitchen, both washing their hands before working side-by-side. It’s relaxing. They talk quietly as they work, about school and their friends. Taeil comes maybe an hour later. He stops in to say hi to them both and then heads to the living room to hang out with Johnny and Doyoung.
They’re almost done with the food when Sicheng and Yuta arrive. He hears Doyoung greet them at the door and swallows. Kun, perceptive as always, asks, “Who are Doyoung’s friends?”
“Sicheng and another guy from campus, Nakamoto Yuta,” Taeyong says.
Kun nods. “I’ve seen him around,” he says. “He’s pretty popular.”
Taeyong nods. “Doyoung doesn’t know him very well,” he says. “I think he’s more Sicheng’s friend.”
“Hmmm,” Kun says. “Well, if Doyoung wants to get closer to him, he chose the right place. This could win anyone over.”
He gestures at the array of food. Taeyong laughs. “Yeah, maybe." They finish up, and he calls for Taeil to help them bring the food to the table.
The three of them carefully carry the dishes over. Johnny has already set the table. Everyone is sitting already. Taeyong returns to the kitchen, washes his hands again, and takes a seat at the table. Finally, he looks at Yuta, and his heart just about stops in his chest. Damn, does he look good, and Taeyong wants to stare, but he can’t let himself. He looks down at his lap instead.
Sicheng gasps. “Taeyong-hyung, this looks so good.”
Taeyong beams at him. “Of course, Sicheng,” he says. He knows how much Sicheng misses his family, and he knows that bulgogi is the only Korean food he ever ate with them, so it reminds him of home. And he also knows-because Sicheng has told him many times-that Taeyong’s bulgogi is his favorite bulgogi in the world. Sicheng comes over for dinner once a month, and it’s always bulgogi night, and Taeyong always make sure that they have leftovers, so there’s plenty for Sicheng to take home. His friends call him a housewife, and he hates the nickname much less than he pretends to. He loves to cook and clean and take care of people. He’s lucky that his friends and roommates let him. They always tell him that whatever person he settles down with, and anyone else he’s close to along the way, will be lucky to have him. Really, he thinks it’s the other way around.
He is so, so fortunate to have them, to be here, and if he finds anyone else who cares about him and wants to be around him, it will be an incredible stroke of luck. It’s strange that so much has been going right when for the rest of his life, everything had gone so terribly. Maybe the universe is finally giving him a bit of a break. Nothing really bad had happened in the last two years. There was just the usual stress, anxiety, and insecurity, the same goddamn nightmares, and the constant throbbing of terrible pain all over his body.
It’s been there for as long as he can remember, so he forgets it’s there most of the time. But sometimes, it’s so bad that he can’t go to class. He lies in bed, soaked in sweat, as Johnny and Doyoung do their best to make ramyeon and take care of him. He can’t afford to miss school for long, not if he wants to keep his perfect GPA. Luckily, these days don’t happen often, so he can make up his absences quickly. For the most part, his life is easy enough. But then, there’s Yuta, so he supposes maybe the universe hasn’t really cut him much slack after all.
They eat. By the time they’re all full, everything is gone but the bulgogi. Taeyong puts the rest in a container for Sicheng to take home later. Yuta and Sicheng clear and wipe down the table. Taeyong hums as he opens their game chest. It’s an accumulation of gifts from Johnny and Doyoung’s families and their friends and games scouted from secondhand stores. He goes through it, picking out a few good ones, and goes over to the table.
“Drinks?” Johnny asks. He’s got a mischievous grin on his face. He works as a bartender at a local pub, and he loves showing off his skills to their friends. Everybody but Taeyong takes him up on his offer. He hates the way he is drunk. He has terrible tolerance, and he gets all cuddly and clingy after only a couple shots. He doesn’t want to act that way in front of Yuta. He drinks water instead. It’s important to stay hydrated.
After Johnny finishes his fancy mixing (both Sicheng and Taeil brought alcohol. They’re college students. They might have people over, but they can’t afford alcohol for everyone on their own), they begin to play. Dinner, games, drinks, and talk are the staples of nights at the Lee-Seo-Kim household. Taeyong watches carefully.
Yuta is good at board games, but terrible at cards. Like usual, Kun wins every single card game they play. He shows off one of his fancy card tricks, with some prompting from Sicheng. Taeyong wins the trivia and memory games. Taeil has the best luck, Johnny is good at skill games, and Doyoung shamelessly loses everything. Sicheng pays much more attention to the conversation than the games. They talk about pretty much everything-classes, campus gossip, politics, idol groups, their jobs. Sicheng and Yuta leave at ten thirty. Kun and Taeil help them clean up the living room before they leave. Johnny and Doyoung do the dishes.
Taeyong goes to bed at eleven thirty, which is later than usual. Yuta had been nice tonight. He’d acted as if he didn’t know Taeyong and was pleased to meet him. Taeyong appreciates it. It would have been awkward if Yuta had given him the cold shoulder the whole time. He can’t help but hope that Yuta will continue being decent, but he doesn’t dream too much. He’ll just get more bruises when he crashes down to earth.
He gets a text at nine the next morning. It’s from Yuta. Are you available to meet in the library at four? it says. Taeyong’s last class ends at three. Their meeting shouldn’t last longer than an hour and a half or so. He texts back a quick Yes and starts to get ready.
He walks into the library at a quarter to four. He doesn’t see Yuta, so he sits at a table and works on some homework for econ. Yuta arrives just before four. His cheeks are red.
“Cold?” Taeyong asks sympathetically. It’s just the beginning of November, and already it’s freezing.
Yuta blinks in surprise, then nods. “Yes,” he says. He sits down across the table and begins pulling things out of his bag. Taeyong is incredibly grateful that Yuta is working with him and not acting like he always does. He’s confused by the sudden change in behavior, but he’s not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
They work on the project for almost two hours. Taeyong glances at his phone and squeaks in surprise at how late it is. “I-I’m sorry,” he says, flustered. “I need to go.” He begins packing his things.
Yuta looks at his phone. “Oh,” he says in surprise. “Me, too.” He smiles at Taeyong. “I’ll text you later about meeting up again.”
Taeyong nods quickly. “Bye,” he says. “See you.” He runs out of the door. He doesn’t actually need to hurry. His roommates can wait another half hour for dinner. He’s just flustered by how easy it is to spend time with Yuta. He feels himself falling deeper every minute. This is a dangerous game he’s playing. Maybe Yuta is just playing nice while they work on the project. Maybe once it’s finished, he’ll go back to hating Taeyong. Maybe he never really stopped. Taeyong can’t afford another heartbreak. So he’ll try to keep his guard up. But it’s hard.
A month passes. They meet a couple times a week. Mostly, they work on their project, but they also talk. Yuta is here on a soccer scholarship, although his family is pretty wealthy, so he doesn’t really need it. He likes to dance and is taking a dance class next semester. (Taeyong is the TA for that class. He feels a shiver of excitement, but pushes it down.) Yuta wants to be a professional soccer player in Japan. He goes home to visit his family every summer and winter break, but he gets very homesick during the school year. (Taeyong resolves to make him Japanese food sometime.) His favorite holiday is Christmas. He loves watermelon, tteokbokki, and anime, and he and Sicheng are very good friends, even if Taeyong sees him with Jaehyun and Ten more often. They bonded over being foreigners in Korea. With every little fact he learns, Taeyong loses another ounce of self-control. He can’t help but love Yuta more and more every time they meet. He’s just going to have to live with it.
One Wednesday, a little over a week before the project is due, they arrange to meet up and finish the next day. They text back and forth sometimes. Yuta sends him memes and bad jokes. Taeyong thinks that it’s impossible for them to go back to the way they were, after all this. But then, he’s learned over his life not to count anything out. He has to be prepared for every possibility, or he’ll just get hurt.
He goes to sleep that night feeling fine. He wakes up in pain. His sheets and sleep clothes are soaked in sweat. He can’t move. He sees Johnny’s worried face hovering over him. He thinks maybe he’s saying something, but he can’t make out any words. His eyes flutter shut, and everything fades out.
He drifts in and out of consciousness. Doyoung feeds him congee at some point. It’s very good. Kun must have made it. He does his best to ignore the pain of swallowing, because the porridge is a good, comforting warmth, not like the excruciating fire that burns in his body. It reminds him that there are people who care about him, who love him.
He drinks water a couple times. It cools his throat, gives him a very temporary relief. For the most part, he doesn’t notice anything, until he feels a new pair of hands gently rubbing his arms.
They’re very nice hands, but he can tell that they’re not Johnny or Doyoung’s, or even Kun or Taeil’s. He manages to crack his eyes open a little. Yuta is standing by his bed, face concerned. He notices Taeyong’s open eyes and whispers, “Sleep.”
Yuta is here? Why is he here? They were supposed to meet. He must have wondered why Taeyong didn’t show up. Still, that doesn’t explain why he’s here. Does he really care about Taeyong enough to help take care of him when he’s sick?
He closes his eyes. A few tears slip out of them, but finally, it’s not because of the pain. It’s because of Yuta and the happiness he brings Taeyong. Eventually, he drifts off.
When he wakes up, the pain has receded a little, and Yuta is gone. Kun is frowning at him from the side of his bed. He carefully helps Taeyong sit up a little and holds a cup to his mouth. Taeyong sips some of the water.
Kun sets the glass down and asks quietly, “How are you feeling?”
Taeyong shrugs a little. There’s not much to say. Kun hands him a couple of pain relievers. They don’t do much to help, but it’s something. He swallows them dry and lays back down. He reaches blindly for Kun’s hand. When their hands meet, he squeezes Kun’s as hard as he can. Kun squeezes back gently. He doesn’t let go until after Taeyong’s fallen asleep.
When Taeyong finally wakes up the next morning, he wonders if all of it-Yuta, Kun, the happiness he’d felt despite the pain-was just a cruel fever dream.
He and Yuta meet up the next day. Taeyong has fully recovered. The only good thing about his painful spells is that they’re over soon. Maybe his chronic pain decided that one day was enough. He’s eternally grateful for it. Every small blessing is something to hold on to.
They meet in the library at three. Taeyong’s already there. He’d been tutoring a couple of freshmen. He sighs, massages his forehead, and swallows an Ibuprofen. He gets headaches a lot.
Yuta appears across from him with a gentle smile. “Are you feeling okay?” he asks.
Taeyong nods. “Thank you for asking,” he says. “And…” He hesitates. “For coming by the other day.”
Yuta beams. “Of course,” he says. “I’m glad you’re better. My aunt has chronic pain, too, but it’s never been that bad. And Doyoung says that happens every month or two?”
“Yeah,” Taeyong says. “It sucks, but it’s only ever for a day, so that’s something.” Yuta looks sad. Taeyong wonders why.
They easily finish the project, half an hour before Taeyong had predicted. He’s hesitant to leave, and it looks like Yuta is too.
Taeyong swallows.
Yuta says, “Look, Taeyong, I really enjoyed working with you. And I’d like it if we kept in touch. We already have each others’ numbers, so can we...just keep texting like we have been?”
Taeyong nods quickly. “I’d like that,” he says. “And…” He hesitates before he rushes ahead to finish. “Would you like to come over for dinner on Wednesday?”
Yuta blinks in surprise. Taeyong flushes bright red. “I-I mean, only if you want to, and-and you can bring some of your friends if you want to-”
Yuta places a hand on his arm. Taeyong stops rambling, screaming internally at the touch. “I’d love to come over,” Yuta says, smiling that gorgeous smile. “Your cooking is really good. I would like to bring Jaehyun and Ten, though, if that’s okay with you?”
Taeyong nods. “That sounds great,” he says. “Um. Be over by seven. If there’s anything else you need to know, I’ll text you.” He smiles awkwardly. “Bye!” He dashes out of the library, covering his bright red face.
Yuta texts him a few times in the time between Saturday and Wednesday. Taeyong mentally prepares himself for dinner. He wants to have Yuta as a friend, if nothing else. Taeil and Kun aren’t coming over, but Johnny and Doyoung will be home. They’re glad Taeyong is finally bringing someone to dinner, and they both like Yuta. Johnny knows Jaehyun, too. They both speak English, and Jaehyun had lived in America for four years. They’d met each other because of their common backgrounds and interests. Jaehyun’s never been over before, but Johnny is glad to have him now.
Taeyong decides to make kimchi jjigae. He remembers how much Yuta likes tteokbokki, so he buys the ingredients for that, too, when he and his roommates go on their weekly shopping trip on Tuesday.
On Wednesday, he arrives at the apartment at five thirty and immediately begins to cook. He makes enough for seven people, because leftovers. By the time Johnny and Doyoung get home at six thirty, he’s almost done, and the entire apartment is spotless. As he finishes up, they set the table and bring the food over.
The doorbell rings. Taeyong wipes his face with a clean hand towel as Johnny goes to answer it. The kitchen is hot, and he’s nervous. He turns to the table to make sure everything’s ready. There are six places set, all the food is there, everything is perfect except for him. He swallows and tells himself that it’s all going to be fine.
Yuta follows Johnny in. Jaehyun and Ten are with him, as promised. Taeyong takes a deep breath and beams at them. “Hi!” he says. “Hi, Yuta.” He turns to the others. “Lee Taeyong. Nice to meet you.”
“Jung Jaehyun,” Jaehyun says with that famous dimpled smile.
“...Call me Ten,” Ten says. Everyone laughs. Taeyong giggles into his hand.
They all sit down. Jaehyun stares open-mouthed at the spread before him. “Oh my god,” he says. “Maybe I should just move in with you, Taeyong-ssi.”
Taeyong giggles. “Call me hyung,” he says. He doesn’t know what prompts him to say it, but he already wants to be closer to Yuta’s friends. They seem like good people. He knows that Ten is a dance major, like him, and he’s known to be very good. Taeyong isn’t bad himself. He’d like to dance with Ten sometime. Jaehyun is well-known around campus for being something of a heartthrob, but he doesn’t break people’s hearts, at least not intentionally. Taeyong doesn’t think he’s ever seen him dating anyone, and he’s always let down people who ask him out as gently as possible. Anyways, he has something about him that seems warm, like Kun or Yuta. He’d like to be friends with both of them.
“You can’t steal my hyung!” Doyoung interjects. “Find your own housewife.”
Taeyong groans. “Doyoung,” he pouts. “Don’t call me that.”
Johnny’s eyes sparkle. “Yongie here is the ultimate mom friend,” he confides in Yuta, Jaehyun, and Ten. “But he pretends to hate us calling him that.”
“Johnny, stop,” he whines, burying his face in his hands. His cheeks are warm, but he’s more happy than embarrassed. He feels warm and comfortable here.
They tease Taeyong a little more before they finally eat. Taeyong is pleased to see that everyone is enjoying the food. He decides to have them over again soon. He can try making some Japanese food for Yuta, like he’d thought about a long time ago. He can do Thai food for Ten, and he has plenty of experience making American dishes for Johnny, if Jaehyun is interested. He’s excited to have some new friends.
Once they finish eating, they talk and play games. Taeyong feels happy. He’s already planning out next time’s menu. He wants to try making takoyaki for Yuta, since it’s his favorite food from home. His friends in Osaka call him the Takoyaki Prince...And suddenly Taeyong is stricken, because he knows so many small things about Yuta, and this scene feels almost domestic. He can imagine a future where he and Yuta have friends over for dinner at their apartment, where Yuta helps him cook, where a tipsy Taeyong wraps his arms around Yuta’s middle as their friends laugh. And Taeyong hasn’t let himself hope in such a long time, and he can’t now. So Yuta is his friend now. He hated Taeyong once, and he will never love him. Dreaming like this will only hurt him. He has to stay focused on his survival.
He swallows and excuses himself to go the bathroom. He splashes his face with water and looks at himself in the mirror.
He looks tired, but that’s not new. In fact, the bags under his eyes seem a little smaller than usual. His skin is almost flawless. The lines of his face are sharp. His hair is dyed light pink and brushed neatly, if a little disheveled from the warmth of the apartment and the moving around he’d been doing. His eyes look soft around the edges. Guarded, but still soft. There are smile lines around them. When did that happen?
He swallows and quickly rubs his eyes. He’s not going to cry. Just because he’s feeling happy does not mean he needs to show weakness. He carefully dries his face with a towel. Then he returns to the others.
Yuta is his friend, and he’s glad for it, and he’s never going to be anything more. The sooner he gets that into his head, the better.
He manages to avoid the problem pretty well. Yuta comes over for dinner once or twice a month, sometimes with Sicheng, sometimes with Ten and Jaehyun, sometimes by himself. Taeyong makes takoyaki in big batches every few weeks and gives them to Yuta. He’s dragged to places around town with Yuta and his friends.
One day, when they’re eating at Yuta’s favorite Japanese restaurant in Seoul, Yuta leans over and whispers in his ear, “The takoyaki here is almost as good as yours, Yong.”
Taeyong laughs at him. “Don’t flatter me, Yuta.”
Yuta grins at him. “I’m not!” he insists. “You make the best takoyaki in Korea.”
Taeyong smiles softly. (He misses Yuta’s admiring look, like he’s watching the stars.) “It’s because of my secret ingredient,” he says.
“And what’s that?” Yuta asks.
“Love,” Taeyong says, tickling Yuta’s arm. “When I cook, I infuse the food with my love for all of you. That’s why it tastes so good.”
Yuta freezes, and for a moment, Taeyong’s heart stops. What has he done wrong this time? Did he mess it up, like he always messes everything up? He should have known he’d ruin it, this is why he can’t have nice things…
He snaps out of it when Yuta laughs. “You’re so cheesy,” he says cheerfully. “But no wonder your food is so good!”
One time, when Taeil, Kun, and Yuta are all over for dinner, Taeil has a talk with him. It’s after Yuta has left. Johnny and Doyoung are doing the dishes. Kun is cleaning up in the living room. Taeil pulls Taeyong into the hallway and says, “You like him, don’t you?”
Taeyong frowns in surprise. “Huh?”
“Yuta,” Taeil clarifies. “You like him.”
Taeyong swallows. “Is it that obvious?”
“No,” Taeil says, shrugging. “But I know you. And I’m better at emotions than most of our friends.”
Those things are both true, but Taeyong is still unsettled. “Don’t tell anyone,” he pleads.
“I won’t,” Taeil promises him. He hesitates. “But I can’t promise you they won’t figure it out on their own.”
That sounds very bad. Taeyong winces.
“He cares about you, Taeyong,” Taeil says. “You won’t mess this up.”
“Thanks, hyung,” Taeyong says quietly, not quite believing him. Taeil sighs at him, but he says his goodbyes and leaves without any further questioning. Taeyong is grateful. No matter what Taeil says, Taeyong can’t really bring himself to believe that telling Yuta how much he loves him could ever turn out well. Yuta’s probably straight. He’s never said anything to suggest otherwise. Taeyong is just being foolish and delusional, like he’s been trying not to be.
A couple months pass. Taeyong thinks he’s hidden his feelings well enough. He hasn’t forgotten them, though. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to, no matter how much he tries. It hurts him, but he’s used to the pain. It’s been there for his entire life. Of course, some days it’s worse than usual. Some days, he can barely move, and his friends have to spoon-feed him Kun’s congee as he lies, helpless, in agony. This pain of heartbreak has to flare up too, sooner or later. He would have liked to put it off forever. But he can’t.
It all comes to a head one Friday night. Johnny and Doyoung dress him up, do his hair and makeup, and drag him out of the house to go to a party. Taeyong hates college parties. They’re loud and crowded and pretty much the worst thing for his anxiety. But he’s willing to go. He knows his roommates worry about him, and he’ll take the free alcohol, too. He might be a total lightweight, and he might totally hate it, but if nothing else, drinking will dull the edge a little bit. It’ll help him hate this a little less, and maybe it’ll even help him forget Yuta for a little while. Anyways, he won’t grab on to random strangers. He’s only clingy with his friends, even when he’s drunk.
He enters the house where the party is being held, and within five minutes he’s found himself a glass of some fruity liquor and and tucked himself away into a corner. He sips his drink slowly. It’s sweet. He’s always preferred his alcohol on the sweeter side. The flavor is nice, and he can’t quite place it. It’s maybe apple, maybe apricot, and his mind should not be this hazy already, but whatever, he needs it.
By the time he’s finished the cup, a pleasant warmth has spread through his veins. He sighs, craving more, and goes to get some. When he returns to his spot, he sees that it’s been taken over by a couple whose faces are stuck together. He turns and heads outside.
He takes a seat on the grass in the backyard, pulling his knees to his chest and drinking from his cup. There’s still the loud music and the chatter and all the party noises, but a haze has sort of settled over everything. It feels almost peaceful. He can half imagine that he’s somewhere far away, somewhere without pain. It seems impossible, because pain has been a constant in his life from the very beginning. But maybe somewhere, he can’t feel it. For a moment-just a moment-he lets himself dream.
He feels a hand on his shoulder and opens his eyes. It’s Yuta, and Taeyong swallows. He hadn’t considered that Yuta might be here. He probably wouldn’t have drunk if he’d known. He still hasn’t had alcohol in Yuta’s presence, still scared of being clingy or letting his tongue slip as something he does not want to say slips out. But it’s too late now.
“Hey, Taeyong!” Yuta says. He’s holding a bottle in the hand he didn’t use to pat Taeyong. “How are you doing?”
Taeyong blinks. Everything has gotten much slower all of a sudden. “Good,” he says. “I’m doing good.”
Yuta laughs. “How much have you had to drink?” he asks.
Taeyong pouts at him. “This is my second,” he says, putting his hands on his hips.
Yuta sits next to him. “Is that why you never drink at dinner?” he asks, grinning and tickling Taeyong’s ribs. “You’re embarrassed ‘cause you’re a lightweight?”
Taeyong downs the rest of his drink and lets the cup drop from his hand and roll on the grass. He turns to say something, and then he stops, because he’s entranced. Yuta is so beautiful. The moon is shining and casting a perfect glow on his face, like the whole world is conspiring against him by making it such a clear night, and Yuta’s smiling fondly at him, and he is so, so pretty, and this, this is the boy he fell for.
“I love you,” Taeyong whispers. “I love you, Yuta.”
Yuta’s eyes widen. That perfect smile drops off his face. “W-what?” he swallows. “Taeyong, I-”
And that’s when it sets in. Taeyong realizes what he’s done, and oh, God, he’s such an idiot. He stands up and runs.
“Taeyong!” Yuta calls. “Taeyong, wait!” But Taeyong can’t. He needs to get out of here.
His apartment is a little over a mile away. He’s there before he knows it. He stumbles inside.
He sends a quick text to the group chat he has with his roommates. He doesn’t want them to worry about him. He washes his face and changes into his sleep clothes, hands shaking the whole time. He makes his way to his bed in the darkness and collapses into it. Finally, when he’s wrapped in the warmth of his blankets-a poor substitute for actual human comfort, but the closest he’ll ever get-he finally lets himself cry. His body is torn apart with sobs. His face and clothes are soaked with tears. How could he have been so stupid? He’d let himself drink, let himself be with Yuta, let himself say the thing that he had never meant to say. And because of it...what next? Would he lose his friendship with Yuta? Of course. Yuta didn’t love him back, and why would he want to be friends with someone who had deluded himself about them? Yuta probably never wants to see him again. He’s messed everything up, for the hundredth time.
Eventually, his tears die down, and he falls asleep. He wakes up the next morning with resolve. He’d told himself he would never let this happen again, and yet it had. He’ll have to be extra careful from now on. He’s never letting anyone hurt him like this again.
When he checks his phone, the first thing he sees is all the missed calls and texts from Yuta. He swipes them aside. Whether Yuta wants to yell at him for ever assuming he could love Taeyong back or awkwardly explain why they can’t be friends anymore, he can’t force himself to hear it. A clean break is what they need. No more contact.
For a while, it works. He manages to avoid Yuta for a couple weeks. Any time someone asks him about Yuta, he brushes it off until they give up. But he can’t hold it off forever.
One day, he’s cleaning the apartment when he hears the front door open. He frowns in surprise. Neither Johnny or Doyoung are due home for at least an hour. Taeil and Kun both have keys, but why would either of them stop by with no warning?
He sets down the broom right as Yuta steps into the kitchen. Taeyong stares at him blankly and swallows past the lump in his throat. Yuta looks at him sadly.
“What are you doing here?” Taeyong somehow manages to ask.
“We need to talk,” Yuta says.
Taeyong squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head.
“Taeyong!” Yuta says, putting a hand on his arm.
“No!” Taeyong bursts out, jerking away from Yuta’s touch. “We don’t! I understand that you don’t love me back and that you’re disgusted that I love you and that obviously we can’t be friends anymore! I’m trying to make this easier! Why are you just making it harder?”
Yuta sighs. “Oh, Taeyong,” he murmurs. “Is that what you think I’m going to say?”
Taeyong blinks.
“No,” Yuta says softly. “Taeyong, I’ve been trying to tell you that I love you. I didn’t say anything that night at that party because I was so shocked that you loved me back. It’s not your fault.”
Taeyong swallows. “You-you like me?” he asks, voice small.
Yuta nods.
“And-and you want to… be with me?” he says tentatively.
Yuta nods again. “More than anything, Taeyong, I-”
Taeyong bursts into tears.
Yuta runs to him. “Are you okay?” he asks, panicked. He carefully wraps his arms around Taeyong’s trembling body.
Taeyong shakes his head. “I-I thought-” He gasps for breath. He hasn’t cried in front of someone, shown his vulnerability to them, in so long-except for his painful days, he supposes, but those are different-and it feels so good and so terrible at the same time. He feels Yuta carefully pull him into the living room and set him down on the couch. He manages to go on. “I thought you would hate me,” he whispers. “Like you used to. I thought you never wanted to see me again. I-I thought I’d messed it up, like always, I-”
Yuta pets his hair. “Oh, Taeyong,” he whispers. “You don’t mess things up, you put them back together.”
It takes him a while to calm down, but finally his tears have mostly stopped. “So...you love me?” he whispers.
Yuta nods. “So much,” he says, “really, Taeyong, you have no idea.”
“And…” Taeyong swallows. “You want to be with me?”
Yuta nods, beaming. “Very much,” he says. “Let’s have a date tomorrow.”
“Okay,” Taeyong says. “Let’s go on a date.”
They cuddle together, there on the couch. Johnny and Doyoung don’t come home, and when Taeyong wonders about it aloud, brow furrowed in worry, Yuta explains that they’re both staying somewhere else tonight. “They’re giving us some time,” he says. “Johnny let me borrow his key.”
A few minutes pass in comfortable silence. Taeyong breaks it. “Can I ask you a question?” he asks.
Yuta smiles. “Only if I can ask you something, too.”
Taeyong nods quietly. He hesitates before blurting out, “Why-why did you hate me?” Yuta doesn’t know, and Taeyong will probably never tell him, about the times Yuta’s glares somehow managed to pierce the most sensitive parts of his soul and awaken his insecurities and leave him in tears. The people you love the most are able to hurt you the most, after all.
Yuta sighs. “I didn’t really hate you,” he says. “I was terrible to you, and I had no reason to be, and I’m so, sorry for it. I knew that I liked you, and I thought that you would never like me back. So my dumb brain decided that instead of trying to be your friend, I should be mean to you. I’m so sorry for any pain that I caused you. I love you, Taeyong.” He leans down to kiss Taeyong on the cheek. His lips are soft, and Taeyong is starstruck. He’s hoping that Yuta will forget about his question, but no such luck.
“I don’t really have a concrete question,” Yuta says. “I’m just wondering about you. I mean…” He swallows. “I want to know your backstory. You know all about my hometown, my family, my life before college. And I don’t really know any of those things for you. And I was wondering, since we’re boyfriends and all…”
Taeyong feels himself blushing. He swallows as he tries to think of an answer. He doesn’t want to delve into his past. He’s never told anyone about it, not even Taeil or Kun or his roommates. But if he and Yuta are going to be dating, Yuta needs to know why he gets panic attacks and nightmares and everything. He owes it to Yuta to be honest with him.
“I-I don’t remember much about my parents,” he says quietly. All he does is that they fought a lot, and they didn’t mind taking their anger out on him, either. They died, or left, he’s not sure. “They left when I was six. I got put in foster care, because I had no relatives who would take me in. I sort of bounced around for a while. Nobody really wanted me for long.”
Some families had gotten sick of him for no real reason, except that he was who he was. Some of them might have kept him longer if some family emergency or something hadn’t come up. Some would have kept him forever, to do whatever they liked to him, but he got taken away.
“I managed to stay in the same town for all of high school. I got good grades, and I got a good scholarship, and so I’m here.” He shrugs before swallowing. “I have some problems, Yuta. I have abandonment issues and anxiety, and you know about the chronic pain. I get bad nightmares and panic attacks. You’re going to have to take care of me. I can be hard to put up with.”
He takes a deep breath. “You have to understand, Yuta, that when I don’t talk about my family or my home, it’s not because I don’t trust you or want to share my life with you. It’s because there’s not much to say.”
There’s a beat of silence, and then Yuta is enveloping Taeyong’s body in his. “You’re coming home with me for Christmas,” he says firmly. “My mother is going to love you. You’re the perfect package. Sweet, handsome, talented...And you’re good at cooking and cleaning, too. You’re like her dream son.”
He gives Taeyong another cheek kiss. “You have a family, Taeyong. You’ve got me. And you’ve got Taeil-hyung and Johnny, and Doyoung, and Kun. You’ve got Jaehyun and Ten and Sicheng. And you’ve got my family, too, if you want them.”
Taeyong stares up at Yuta, beautiful Yuta, who he can’t believe likes him back.
He kisses him.
It’s the best thing he’s ever felt. There have been terrible things in his life. He’s gone through more than he should have ever had to. But there have been so many good things, too. He’s made friends and shared moments with them. He’s bared his soul on stage as music fills his heart and made raw ingredients into things that make people happy and full.
Best of all, he’s fallen in love, with Nakamoto Yuta, the best person he knows. And so for all life has thrown at him, when he and Yuta are together like this, he knows it’s all worth it.