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Hux was shaking, glaring at Kylo from across the room. He refused to lose his composure any more than that, though he did concede to his fingers pressing into his skin, that bit of pain grounding him, keeping him from truly losing it. He wouldn’t deny that he wanted to, wanted to yell and scream and even cry, pound his fists against the table, or, better yet, against Ren’s chest, pushing, hurting him as much as he was hurting Hux, though he knew it was of his own creation.
But that would be relinquishing the control he held over himself, the control that he’d always been proud of.
The same control that had this conversation coming for months. Which he still dreaded, even as he had pushed them towards this point, this precipice. He’d known it was coming, was the very cause of it, terrified of the lack of control Kylo had caused in him.
“What? Are we supposed to act like our feelings have gone cold?” Hux snapped, doing his best to hide the wavering of his voice, pressing his thumb further into his skin to try and prevent it.
Kylo only sneered at him across the table, his arms crossed as he glared back at Hux, though the pinpricks of tears at the corners of his eyes gave him up. “Haven’t they already?”
He wasn’t entirely sure he was successful in stopping the flinch at those barbed words. He deserved it, he knew, but it didn’t make it sting any less, like a sword slicing through his skin to his heart, pushing in slowly, twisting. Hux nearly broke then but–no, he couldn’t. He had to stay in control, keep his composure. It was what he had relied on for most of his life, that sense of control over himself, keeping him in order, not letting anything or anyone shake him. Until Kylo.
“You haven’t acted like you’ve loved me in months, if you ever did,” Kylo continued, voice raising in both anger and despair, tears now falling freely down his cheeks. Hux swallowed, feeling that urge to step forward, envelop Kylo in his arms, wipe away the tears. But he couldn’t. It wasn’t…he wasn’t allowed that anymore. Not by Ren, not by himself.
“Kylo, really. Of course I love you.”
“Then prove it! Do something! Say something! You don’t…you’ve just been going through the motions of everyday life as if…as if it were only you. But it’s not!” He hugged his arms tighter against himself. “I’m here too! I need…I need more than this. I can’t keep going on like this, you barely acting like you notice me.”
“We talk, we have conversations. Of course I notice you, dear.” Hux tried not to show how much pain he was in now, each word like a dagger in his heart, more and more burying themselves into his skin as he listened. This was..it was almost too much. But he couldn’t break, he couldn’t. He’d come so close already, those months ago, realizing how far in it he was, how head over heels he’d been. He couldn’t…it was a sacrifice he wasn’t sure he was able to make. This was who he was, a creature of control, of composure. What was he without any of that?
“No you don’t! You talk to me like anybody else, like a coworker, or the barista making your coffee. But I…I’m supposed to be your boyfriend, Hux. That’s supposed to mean something! I can’t…I can’t do this. I love you, Hux, but I…I deserve better.”
There was a lump in Hux’s throat. He felt the burning at his eyes. No. He couldn’t. That wasn’t allowed. He hadn’t cried in years. He swallowed against it, knowing he had to say something. Not anything–anything would allow words he didn’t–couldn’t–say out.
“If that is how you truly feel.”
Kylo was shaking now, as he stooped down to grab his suitcase. “Yeah. It is. I’ll…” he swallowed then, against his tears, his emotions. “I’ll be in touch about the rest of my stuff. I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you with my presence.”
“Very well.”
Kylo moved to the door, opening it to the blackness beyond. Before crossing the threshold, however, he turned once more, looking back at Hux.
“Should have known you still wouldn’t show emotion even when I broke up with you. If…if ever the man I fell in love with comes back, the one who smiled and laughed and let himself just be…call me.”
Kylo left.
As the door shut, Hux locking it behind him, that’s when he broke, when he let himself have that lack of control for the moment, arms wrapping around his middle, squeezing hard, fingers burying into his skin again, tears pouring down his face. All the emotion he’d felt the past months, hiding it away, pushing to the forefront, all the pain he felt even at his own actions.
He let himself have that. But, after an hour, Hux picked himself off the ground, brushing away the lingering remnants of tears from his cheeks. After all, he had work to do.