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Namjoon couldn't quite tell yet what the tension in the air was and where it had come from. When he actually took time to look around the small dressing room he was able to point out a few possible reasons. But no one had said anything and no one had confronted anyone so he's left confused. He's been the group's leader for almost five years and it unnerves him that he can't figure out what's wrong with everyone.
The days events had gone smoothly as far as he knows. Their morning interview was the standard one and had only taken an hour. That was a godsend when sometimes they lasted for several hours due to the cuts and technical problems. The following car ride had been uneventful, the fan meeting was unexciting and no one seemed bothered prior to that.
He took it to mean that something happened at the fan meeting but he's unsure what. As far he knows it was just your run of the mill, slightly boring, fan event. So why was the mood so sour? It made him feel bad that he seemed to be the only one not in some kind of mood and he thinks he must have missed something happen. He decides to ask about it.
The room is eerily quiet when he finally speaks. "What's wrong, guys?" His voice seems louder in the cramped room and it hardly gets anyone's attention. Yoongi is asleep, Hoseok is on his phone, Seokjin is dozing off and the maknaes are uncharacteristically silent. It sends a hard shiver down his spine and he has to shuffle his feet to shake the feeling.
No one answers him and his question just hangs in the air. They've never blatantly ignored him before and he's taken a bit by surprise. Especially, when he uses his best leader voice, someone usually says something. But this time he's answered with only more silence and more than make him nervous, it's starting to make him a little upset.
His tone is easily more annoyed than before when he tries again, "Seriously, no one's gonna dignify an answer?" He waits a moment to see if anyone will speak.
Again there is nothing but the silence and the sounds of staff moving around outside of the room. He knows as leader he should be saying more, confronting someone, or even yelling to get the attention. But he's scared of souring the mood even more. What if they get mad at him? What if they are already mad at him and he makes it worse?
Maybe it's his fault this is happening. Maybe it was the fact that he answered most, if not all, of the interview questions. They were mostly in English and he just assumed that was what would be best for everyone but he might have been wrong. Maybe he was ignoring them then and this is revenge now. Maybe he was too flirty with a fan or not flirty enough with the others.
He's so confused but more so he's getting sad. It must have been his fault otherwise they'd be talking to him. He must have did something, said something, didn't say something and now everyone's holding a grudge.
It doesn't feel good and his head gets a little light with the sudden guilt. No one had said anything but maybe it was on purpose. They were icing him out on purpose.
He tries really hard not to start crying. Now is not the time for that but his heart tells him it is so his eyes start to water. The pit in his stomach turns into an angry butterfly swarm and he has to swallow hard to get them to calm down even a little. He had caused this mess but how was he suppose to fix it wen he didn't understand it in the first place?
More than being sad, he feels the beginning of little space sneaking up on him. It made everything feel ten times more devastating and he hiccuped, the sound rather loud in the room. No one, not even Seokjin who was a sucker for small Namjoon, responded and that hurt in a totally different way. The descent isn't fought but it isn't exactly welcomed either.
He starts to cry, real tears, and tries to appear as small as he can in his uncomfortable clothes and even worse atmosphere. But nothing seems to put him at ease like it usually does. Running his hands over his arms is a good way to ground himself but it doesn't seem to be working. Running his fingers through his hair is relaxing but this time it feels wrong.
Everything feels so damn wrong and he doesn't understand anything that is happening anymore. His clothes feel too big but too tight, his shoes are making his feet ache, his body is too big and lanky and nothing feels right. He feels his skin crawl and his heart breaks when he sees no one responding to him. He starts to drown and no one wants to help.
"Did I-" He stops and has to clear his throat a few times but the change in his voice is definitely noticeable, this needs to end now. "Did I do something?"
The slight change in pitch seems to get Taehyung's attention but the younger looks tense and uncomfortable. Was he causing that? When the younger, who seemed to be struggling, turned away was when it really felt like his world was ending. It must have been so obvious what was happening but he was ignored anyways.
"Please, I don't know what I did." He takes his jacket off when it becomes too hot. "I-I'm sorry whatever it was. Please, I don't understand." His mind falls even quicker and harder into what was supposed to be a safe space but no longer feels good. There's a point past dropping into 'little space' and dropping into the weird limbo of possible sub-drop. It magnifies the feeling of drowning and he starts to sob. "Was I- Am I a bad boy?"
Suddenly, all eyes are on him and he should be grateful he isn't being ignored anymore. But everyone staring at him sends him spiraling deeper into a very dark hole.
When his knees start to give out is when someone finally moves to him. An arm slips around his shoulders but he quickly pulls away. The touch, which should have made him feel better, had burned and made everything else seem ten times worse than before. He didn't understand anything that was happening even as he started to hyperventilate and sob even louder.
"Namjoon, hey, baby." A soft hand on the cheek feels like a slap and he flinches. Hoseok is so close but everyone feels like they're miles away. His focus narrows in on his rough breathing and he pushes Hoseok away blindly. How dare they be concerned about him now after they were the ones that caused this. "Turn the camera off. Now, Jungkook!"
There's movement but his vision blurs and suddenly it's getting even harder to breathe. The room is closing in on him and he clutches his chest when he can't get his breath back. It's a panic attack, he recognizes it, but he hasn't had one in so long that he doesn't remember what to do. He doesn't remember what to do and he can't-
Another soft hand on his cheek forces him to look up at Hoseok. He can see him but he can't focus on him and the room gets a little darker. He's so scared, so fucking scared, and grips onto Hoseok's shirt and yanks him forward. They're hugging but he still can't breathe without stuttering and he can't think and he can't make himself calm down.
"Just breathe, Joon. It's okay, you're okay, you just have to breathe."
It's easier said then done and Namjoon is approaching the danger zone of a panic attack. If he can't fight out of it soon he's going to actually black out from lack of air. His head pounds and everything hurts, his brain shutting down to try to preserve any bit of energy and oxygen it can get. Which isn't a whole lot to begin with.
Hoseok holds him tighter when Namjoon starts to actually fall to the floor. He can hear talking, some yelling, in the background but he can't fight to get to them. He can't claw his way out of the utter darkness he's consumed by and he's becoming even more terrified. Which pushes him even more into the darkness. This was all his fault.
He hears Hoseok talking but it sounds distant or like it's underwater. And he still can't breathe even as he's laid on the cold floor and Hoseok is crouching over him. He can see Hoseok's lips moving but can't decipher the words at all. Namjoon starts grabbing at his neck to just try to get some air but his hands are stopped and he whines.
Nothing is making any sense when the door opens and the medical staff comes in. They sit their heavy bags next to his head but he doesn't care. He can't breathe and his limbs are starting to go a little numb. He can't feel his hand being held, even though he can feel the weight of it, and he can't understand anything being said to him.
A mask is being out over his mouth and he can't reach up to push it away. The medical team is saying something to Hoseok and he starts to get out of their way. But this makes him let go of Namjoon's hand and he wails, it's heard even through the mask. It catches everyone off guard and Hoseok says something to the medical team and holds his hand again.
There's fresh, crisp air coming through the mask and the pain in his lungs starts to ebb away a little. His eyes start to droop, overcome by the dizziness, and he feels like he's falling. Whether he was falling asleep or passing out he wasn't sure. But what he was sure about is that he's still terrified even as the darkness creeps around him and he's being swallowed by it.
He comes to in their dorm's living room. He's on the couch but the cool leather feels hot. His shirt is soaked with sweat and is suffocating so he removes it. He takes his pants and socks off too and they're soaked too. He has to practically peel himself off of the couch and by the time he's fully sat up, someone is rushing into the room.
Seokjin crouches in front of him and puts a hand on Namjoon's knee. The touch no longer feels wrong but everything else does. His brain is still swimming through water trying to process stuff and catch up but it can't seem too. It can't seem to understand anything and he hates that feeling more than anything in the world.
"How are you feeling?" Seokjin puts his other hand on his forehead but there's no fever. Namjoon knows he's just trying to do stuff with his hands to help ground Namjoon but it seems pointless.
The little space he had initially gotten into is still present but he can't feel anything. Is this what sub-drop was? Feeling like you're asleep even while you're wide awake? Feeling like at any minute something will snap and you'd be falling again? The darkness from earlier is still there too but at least he can actually understand the words being said to him.
Seokjin helps him stand and slowly guides him into the dining room. Everyone is seated at the table and there's food but his stomach doesn't seem interested in eating right now. A chair is pulled out and it's like he's on autopilot with no way of turning it off. He's gently sat in the chair and then Seokjin is leaving to sit in his own chair across from him.
He feels a hand touch his arm and he sees Jimin, teary-eyed and sad, looking at him as someone else starts to talk.
"Namjoon," Yoongi starts and it takes him longer than he would have liked to look at the older. "It was a birthday prank. We were filming it early since we'll be gone during your birthday."
"We even had a cake ready. We weren't, I wasn't, trying to be cruel to you." Taehyung's voice sounds like he's been crying and maybe he has been.
Namjoon understands, of course he does, but his mouth just can't catch up. His mouth opens and shuts around words that he can't form and Jimin softly shushes him. It wouldn't be the first time they've done something like this for a good laugh and a lot of fan views. Most memorable is when they did it to Jungkook when he was much younger. Only difference is that Namjoon had been on the cusp of being little and they still didn't stop the game. He finds he can't be angry.
"I was so scared when you passed out, hyung." Jungkook has definitely been crying and there are still tears drying on his cheeks. "I'm so sorry."
He just nods and leans over to rest his head against Jimin's shoulder. He's so unbelievably tired so he closes his eyes again. He doesn't fall asleep but starts sinking into the safe-space of being taken care of. His mind is still shut off and he knows he can't even pretend to be big anymore. Even if he had too.
"'ittle." His accent is thick and he lazily points to himself. It's weird to be sitting in only his boxers wen everyone was fully dressed still. But the drying sweat on his back is thankful for the cold air to be washing over him.
"That's the worst part of what happened," Hoseok finally speaks for the first time since they gathered. "We could see you were and we didn't stop. I'm so sorry, Joonie. I never meant to be mean enough to give you an attack like that. It was so scary."
"Scared too." He points to himself again and his hand falls heavy back into his lap. He blearily wonders how he got home and how long he was unconscious for.
"We made sure to delete that video. I don't care how busy we are for your birthday, we'll celebrate it properly." Yoongi sounds sad but hopeful and it's contagious.
Namjoon just hums as something is pressed to his mouth. His stomach protests but he eats whatever it was anyways. Someone is slowly feeding him and he's grateful because he can't even think none the less try o get food to his mouth. The absolute worst thing that will happen is him getting sick later but that's a concern for later.
After dinner they stay close together and put on a movie in Namjoon's own room. He had been changed into some light, but still cute, pajamas and was curled up on his bed. Jungkook was spooning him from behind and everyone was sitting around him. Taehyung was even blocking some of the television but Namjoon didn't ask him to move and everything was utterly calm for the first time that day.
"I love you." His voice is scratchy but at least he can speak again. His throat feels tight but he can at least breathe again. He never wants to suffocate like that again.
He had said it to no one in particular but Hoseok's the one who says it back. "I love you too, baby. We all do. You can sleep if you want to."
But he just shakes his head because he doesn't want to go to sleep yet. He was out cold for God knows how long and he wanted to keep spending all the time he could with them. Even if it made his brain mad at him for staying up after such a long day. But he felt nice again and he wasn't about to end that feeling.