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Dean's always been weirdly attracted to Cas; at first, he suspected it was something to do with the fact that Cas literally pulled him out of hell and whatever went into rebuilding his body, but it's been years since then - ten to be exact - and he's still struggling to cope. He's never been very good at dealing with his feelings, but with Cas, he seems exceptionally bad - maybe it's the fact that he's not human or the fact that he's in what used to be someone else's body, or maybe it's the fact that that body is undeniably male. Whatever it is, it's been a source of strife for him for nearly a decade now - a goddamn quarter of his life and he still hasn't worked out how to tell Cas about how he feels.
What he feels, on the other hand, is a whole other matter. For years now he's known that Cas means something more to him than what he lets on, even to himself, but when he tries to compare the feeling to anyone in his life, he always comes up empty. The instinct is to say that Cas is a brother to him, but when he thinks about him in that context it all gets screwed up in the fact that sure, no one is as close to him other than Sam, but Dean's never thought about kissing Sam - the thought has never so much as crossed his mind. With Cas, it's becoming a daily occurrence. Lisa is maybe the closest he comes to placing his feelings, but the implications there are something he doesn't quite know how to wrap his head around. He knows he and Cas could never have what he had with Lisa - if an angel and a human aren't allowed to reproduce, why would they be able to have any sort of relationship at all?
The thought lingers in his mind as he sits at the end of the lumpy motel bed, waiting for Sam to come back. They've spent the last day and a half hunting down a poltergeist that had been harassing a single mother and her daughter - now that it's done, Sam's driving them back home, leaving Dean alone with his thoughts. Dean probably should have offered to take her, and a few years back he would have; she's pretty - stunning, really - with soft red curls that reach her shoulders and a smile just for Dean, but his mind is elsewhere right now. If he's honest with himself, he's disappointed; it's nearly three in the afternoon and he was hoping Cas might have shown up by now, but no such luck. It's been weeks since they've heard so much as an update from him, and while Dean knows that he's busy looking for Jack, and he gets how important that is to Cas, today is also important to him. It should be to Cas, too, but maybe this is something Dean is alone in and he's been deluding himself for the last decade.
For nearly eight years, Dean thought it was just him - he was the one stupid enough to fall for a goddamn angel of the Lord, and why would an angel want anything from him? - but then last year he almost lost him. Last year Cas nearly died and his last words would have been "I love you" but then he had to go and throw in "I love all of you" and as much as Dean's heart sunk when he heard that addendum, Cas' eyes remained firmly on him. Not Sam, not Mary, just him, and he could feel that gaze straight through him. Even now, thinking back on it, he can feel Cas' eyes on him in that shitty old barn and heat prickles at the back of his skin.
Cas has always been so goddamn intense, even back when they first met - maybe especially back then - he could completely undo Dean with just a look. It's ridiculous really, Dean's beaten the devil, fought his way through purgatory and recovered from being a demon, but one look from Cas turns him to fucking mush - not that he would let anyone know.
Dean shuts his eyes and exhales slowly, remembering what he's actually doing here. He was hoping Cas might show up on his own, but apparently, that's not the case and though it plants the seed of doubt in his mind, Dean's still determined to see him. He shuts his eyes and thinks as hard as he can; he doesn't want to risk talking out loud in case Sam comes back in the middle of it and wants to know why he's calling Cas immediately after finishing a job. Then again, Sam probably already knows.
There's nothing. Dean rubs clammy hands on his thighs and nods his head in frustration. Typical. He really should have known there's nothing that can distract Cas when he's on a mission. Really, he should be thankful for that because that's the only reason he's sitting here now; because countless other angels died trying to rescue him from hell, but Cas persevered, dragging him out and putting everything back where it should be. Except there was one thing he changed. Dean lifts his hand to his shoulder, covering the place that used to bear the raised impression of Cas' palm. It's been gone for years now, but sometimes he still misses it. He liked to look in the mirror and remember that he is worth something to someone; Cas may have been sent to save him by God or heaven or whatever, but he chose to stay because he believed in Dean. Cas thought he was worth something and maybe that's why he's still hanging on after all these years.
God, there's just so much riding on this. If Cas doesn't show up, Dean's got his answer without having to ask, but he doesn't know how he'll get through it. If Cas does show up... well, as much as he's been thinking about it for the last couple weeks, he doesn't know what he's going to say - at this point, he can only hope that Cas doesn't have Sam with him if he comes.
As if on cue, the door creaks open and Dean's heart leaps into his throat. All at once he feels like he's going to cry and throw up, but then when he turns around, it's just Sam in the doorway and his hopes sink again. He puts on a happy face, asking about the woman and her kid and Sam explains they got home okay and offers up the burgers he brought home for dinner.
They eat, and at some point, Dean turns on the TV, and when it gets late, Dean lies in bed and stares at the ceiling, trying not to feel the crushing weight of devastation that Cas never showed. He waits for Sam to fall asleep, but he doesn't, so at 11:30 Dean crawls out of bed, pulls on a pair of jeans and grumbles that he's going for a walk. He's bitter and miserable and he doesn't know what to do with any of these feelings; this is why you don't get attached because without a doubt, someone will go and break your heart and leave you alone. Cas is really good at leaving.
He doesn't even know how many times it's been now, that Cas has left him or the universe has ripped him away, but it doesn't matter how many because Dean promised himself that the last time was the last. Seeing the imprint of his wings, black and burnt into the dirt was more than he could cope with and after losing him so many times he thought it would be the same. But the imprint had never been there before; not when Lucifer snapped him out of existence, not when he walked into the lake. Not when April stabbed him. This time was different; this time Dean felt the full effect of losing him and months later he's still struggling to get back from that.
Dean turns the corner, strolling through a dimly lit park. He crosses to the edge of the small river running through it, taking a seat in the damp grass. It's cold and he's going to have a wet ass when he goes back to the motel, but right now he doesn't mind all that much. His mind isn't on the grass or the park or the sound of the river below his feet - he's worried about other things right now, things that seemed so ominous and terrifying this morning but now he'd give anything to be able to say them aloud. He's considering calling Cas, leaving a voicemail, when he's pulled from his thoughts by a familiar voice behind him.
"Hello, Dean."
There's not even a second to register what's happening before Dean's heart is thudding against his ribcage and when he turns to look, Cas is already crouching down to sit next to him.
"I wanted to come after Sam was asleep, but he wouldn't fall asleep."
"I know," Dean manages, failing to control the shudder in his voice, "kid's a pain in the ass."
Cas huffs a soft laugh, ducking his chin and turning to smile at Dean. "I..." Cas starts, seemingly considering his words carefully, "I have something for you."
"Cas, you don't-"
"I've always felt bad," Cas cuts in, "for you losing faith in the amulet Sam gave you. I feel responsible for you not having it anymore. It's not quite as special as that, but it will help to ward you against most evil."
Dean's numb as he lifts the amulet from Cas' palm, turning it over in his own hand. "Cas, I-"
"You don't have to say anything, I just wanted you to have it."
"Thanks, Cas," Dean mumbles, fumbling to loosen the string.
"Here, let me." Dean's too stunned to stop him and he lets Cas loosen the string and put it over his head. Dean shuts his eyes because Cas is so damn close and he doesn't know what to do or say because five minutes ago he was expecting to spend the night alone and miserable and now he's barely able to stop himself from leaning into Cas' touch.
He doesn't however, stop himself from reaching out and grabbing his wrist when Cas moves to pull away. Cas looks at him with wide questioning eyes and Dean's resolve nearly crumbles. Dean had a huge speech prepared; he knew exactly what he was going to say, but now all that comes out is, "I don't have anything for you."
"Dean," Cas says softly, "I don't want anything more from you than you."
"You-" Dean falters, trying to sift his way through Cas' words to make sure he heard him properly. "Me?"
Cas chuckles quietly, leaning close and lifting his palm to cup Dean's cheek. "Happy anniversary, Dean."
"I love you," Dean mumbles, defeated and overwhelmed.
"I know."
"Did you just-"
Cas smiles at him, tipping forward so their noses bump together. "I've loved you since that very first moment I saw you."
"Me too. I mean- y'know, when you showed up in the barn. I don't remember the hell stuff."
"In the barn?" Cas asks, pulling back incredulously, "you stabbed me."
"With love?" Dean offers and Cas' face breaks into a smile for a brief second before he's pressing their lips together. Dean melts into him in an instant, going easily as Cas pulls him into his lap. His heart is still thudding a thousand miles a minute, but the nauseous feeling is gone and for the first time since he woke up this morning, he feels like he can relax.
Cas holds him, pressing his hands up under Dean's coat and Dean ever thought he could ever feel this happy. It'll take some adjusting; Cas might have to put up with them tagging along with him and Sam might have to put up with being dragged all over the earth to find Jack, but Dean's willing to do whatever he can to make up for it. When Cas draws back, he's still smiling and Dean can't believe that he's actually sitting here right now. His knees are wet and his ass is wet and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders.
"Hey," he asks quietly, draping his arms over Cas' shoulders, "d'you think you could stay? Just tonight? I know you've got Jack and everything, but-"
"I'll stay," Cas nods, "Dean if I can help it, I'll never leave you again."
"Promise?" Dean breathes and Cas nods and kisses him again.
"Promise."