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Shuichi feels like a fire, wanting to be extinguished by the flames of the lost. He hates this place; hates the way they have to hang two male lovers just because they love each other. He hates the way fire rages on inside of them, like they were in the right, and those men were in the wrong. And Shuichi hates being attracted to males, and the way they make him flustered for his age.
His parents were prestigious actors in a beautiful grandiose play, that depicted those damn Redcoats running around the country wrecking havoc every where they go, and the townspeople suffering through the hurt and strife they bring. Shuichi, for instance, was not too keen on the idea of making a few Brits infuriated due to a play about them.
Shuichi was their price, the sole heir of the Saihara family, and he will be able to get everything he wants, due to his power and convenience. Of course, the only thing he can't have was a lover, a male one, specifically. He hates the feeling that he will be labelled into a sodomite, losing his sheer will power and force and money, and be hanged at a pyre where everyone could watch him, suffocating into nothingness.
To appease his parents, he enrolls himself in a University in New York City, Hope's Peak Academy, where all talented people go. He avoids the others, preferring to be in his room instead, studying the laws and whatnot. Shuichi was all ready reading the next volume of a pleasant judicial laws book, when a knock on the door snaps him out of his reverie.
Inwardly sighing, he opens the door to find a slightly taller man leaning on it. He was a giant! A six foot, in total. And, Shuichi blames himself, as his bosom cannot help but beat as the man looks up at him up and down. His stunningly purple hair was sticking to all sides, and his beard was kept and well-trimmed. He was wearing puffy coats in general, and was looking at Shuichi with those beautiful eyes that could cut glass.
"You are Shuichi Saihara, correct?", he asks in a formal manner, which catches Shuichi off guard. He almost thought that this man would be just as civilized as those commoners who never learned how to read and write! He mentally slaps himself for thinking about how the lesser people were inferior to richer people than he.
"I am, to what do I owe of your service?" Shuichi does a little bow on his bedroom, in front of a stranger he barely knows. He feels strangely embarrassed, but why should he, for he was only doing his job by being a normal person doing chivalrous acts!
"I was actually thinking of inviting you to a party 'r' something." Shuichi gives him a look. His speech a while ago was quite beautiful and formal, now it was reduced to a farm boy's speech expertise.
"A party?", he repeats, incredulous. Yes, he has always been invited to parties, but those parties were always hosted by the adults. And he always awkwardly sits near his parents, trying to drown out the public gossip about the Revolution, many affairs of the Congress, and, of course, about slavery auctions and slaves.
Shuichi has a distaste of slavery. Seeing all those men and women, in shackles in an auction, the way they all looked miserable, makes him miserable as them. His father and uncle would always bring him in the auctions, and Shuichi can't help but follow them. But he doesn't want to follow rich people's traditions of keeping a slave. He's never had a prominent opinion of them when he was younger, but as a college student, he's disgusted by slavery in general, and wanted to free these young men and women from a servitude of life they never wanted.
"Yes", the man replies. "My name is Kaito Momota. The party can be found at the amphitheatre. I hope you come." He makes a move to leave, but for some instinct, Shuichi grabs his arm.
They then stand there, looking at each other's eyes, not breaking eye contact. Shuichi's heart was beating so fast and loud, he wonders if Kaito could hear it. The tense atmosphere was almost sensible, and Shuichi tries to formulate words out of his mind, chastising himself for being speechless at this beautiful, handsome, wonderous man standing before him.
And Shuichi hates to find himself on the edge of the world between mortals and sodomites, hates finding himself in there, always in his nightmares. He does not like looking for himself, finding who he really is. He sighs, and sucks in a breath to finally speak, and appear to be eloquent and less foolish.
"Why did you invite me?", Shuichi asks, breathless. Kaito blinks, either from the way Saihara asks a simple question in a breathless way, or because he was holding to his arm like a worried mother to her child walking out to the world.
"I thought you would be interested in social gatherings", Kaito replies, leaning on Shuichi's door frame. He raises a brow. "You are the son of rich actors, are you not?"
"Well, yes, but what if I only attend parties and gatherings due to my parents' and familial's social status?", Shuichi retorts. Kaito blinks again, then smiles.
"I just want you to make acquaintances. Friends. Maybe a wife who you can keep in your fingers for the rest of your days."
"Friends?" Shuichi was familiar with the words, but he has never had a friend in his entire life. Of course, his parents had tried to make him play with other rich parents' sons and daughters, even converse with them. But he just feels that snobbish air around them, the way they gossip like second nature, and their ill-treatment of their slaves. They were grown spoiled by their parents. So was Shuichi, but he learned many opinions on his own.
And he certainly knows he doesn't want a wife. He wants a husband, for God's sake. Why is the church so apprehensive of people of the same sex courting each other?
"Yes! You just seem lonely, always keeping silent in our class, pretending to be an invisible, see-through lad in the halls. I rarely even see you going outside, except when you go to the markets to satisfy yourself with food for another week."
"Thank you, then. For inviting me to a social gathering. Are there any adults who shall cater to us?"
"You're welcome. And to answer your question, no. I think adults has been meddling in our lives for so long, that we lack independence for ourselves. Plus, gossiping students are enough for my chaste ears. Would I hope for you to be there in the party?"
Shuichi nods. "Of course! It'd be rude to dishonor a host by turning down their invitation!"
Kaito smiles, and Shuichi's cheeks seem to burn in a manner only suitable for a woman. He mentally slaps himself; he should not act like women would! He smiles back at Kaito, who gently closes the door. After this, Shuichi seems to miss the man, and tries to block him off his thoughts by reading more and more books about laws, and doing his schoolwork because that is all he lives for; there is no fame and fortune in his world, only studying and passing and turning to what he wanted to be.
He also makes a mental note to be at Kaito's party at exactly seven o'clock.
Shuichi's doing it for politeness and courteousness; which was why he was wearing one of his best suits to the party, and trying his hair with a white ribbon. But when he got to the venue, he sees people in modest clothing, even people of poverty were in the party. What kind of party is Momota even hosting, if most of the social class is here?
He finds a table he can lean on (though it's filled with pastries and drinks) and pours Southern Spice Tea (which was near him, so he has to improvise) on his glass.
"I recognize you somewhere", a routine voice says, and Shuichi is met with a woman, whose long hair was styled in braids towering above her head, her red eyes glinting with familiarity. She was wearing a modest coat with a simple red dress under it.
"Shuichi Saihara", Shuichi introduces himself, bowing to the lady. The woman curtsies as well, but she seems to dislike the polite acts.
"My name is Maki Harukawa", she says, her voice low and quiet, like she was telling a secret that no one must hear but him. "I am one of your parents' colleagues in the acting department."
"Ah, no wonder your name is quite familiar." Shuichi lowers his voice a bit, like Harukawa. "In another aspect, do you know what we are doing here with the lower classes?"
"Ah, a snobbish individual." The woman wrinkles her nose in disgust. "And I thought you are an honorable young man, unique from the others."
"I am, but what kind of party is this?" Shuichi looks around for Kaito, who was nowhere to be in sight.
"It is a party regarding about our alliances to the American revolution." Harukawa sips the tea from her glass. "Kaito, that foolish man, must not have told you, did he not?"
"Not at all."
"Well, I feel sorry for you. I have heard from your parents you are not fond of parties, and the way you are tensing and leaning on a table defines you do not do small talk. I can talk to my fiance about your introvertness."
"Fiance?" Shuichi can't help but be curious; how can a woman, who looks like she does not want a man taking control of her life. He's not against women gaining their independence, but this woman just distributes that air.
"Yes. Is it really that surprising?"
"For me, yes. Not to be personal, who are you to be married of to?"
"Why, the party host himself; Kaito Momota."
Shuichi almost spits out his drink. He underestimated Kaito's amorous connections due to his appearance. Why is it so hard to believe that a charming man like him is all ready engaged to a dazzling woman? Shuichi can feel his heart deflating, breaking into a million pieces. Even after this heartbreaking revelation, his childish mind thinks to himself; What if this marriage is of obligation? Of force?
Harukawa was looking at him with an expectant look. Did she smile when Kaito had proposed to her? Their days of courtship? Them preparing for their wedding? He imagines himself the best man, singing his heart out for Kaito.
"Congratulations, then", Shuichi says, forcing a smile. "You have been engaged to a good man."
"You've only known him for three minutes", Harukawa sighs exasperatedly, like she was hiding something about Kaito. "He keeps talking about you, wanting to be your friends. I don't know why, but I wish to be of your acquaintance too."
"Then we shall." Shuichi and Harukawa shake hands, and a row of claps on the stage grabs their attention, with the others. They look at the stage, and then there he was. The man who had made his heart beat and break in just four hours.
"We are here!", Kaito Momota bellows. An engaged Kaito Momota, Shuichi's minds tells himself, reminding him that he's not his, that he will never be his.
Shuichi should really get a wife.
"To riot against the Redcoats, to restore our lands to our glory, to independence!", Kaito continues his speech, and Shuichi was quite amazed that the man can persuade tons of people, as the partygoers had started to mutter to themselves in agreement.
"Who is with me, who is going to join in the revolution against these angry and ruthless tyrants!" Kaito holds his fist up high, and the others yell in agreement. Shuichi also can't help but agree with Kaito and his speech. He nods in agreement, not wanting his voice to drown out from the others.
"Kaito is a foolish man", only Harukawa, his own significant other, does not agree with him, but she has a sort of fondness in her voice. He wants Kaito to refer to him in a fond way, even if as a good friend.
After his speech, everyone goes back to talking about the daily gossips, or about a woman they have favored as their wife. Shuichi wishes that he can blend in with them, talk to them like they are all friends, and he wasn't a social disarray his relatives are embarassed of. He considers it, but he doesn't want them to know that he trips over his own words, and get embarassed easily.
"Shuichi, you should socialize!", Kaito makes his way to where he and Harukawa were standing, and wraps his arms around Harukawa, who looks at him nonchalantly, her face not betraying her. "Have you met my fiance, Mako Harukawa?"
"Of course he met me, just tonight", Harukawa sighs, placing a tendril of hair back to its place. "Why do you think we are conversing and standing near each other?"
"I thought this man was trying to take you away", Kaito laughs at himself, and Harukawa rolls his hands. She is quite a feisty one.
"Oh, do not worry, I've been looking for a wife", Shuichi says, waving his right hand absent-mindedly, hating the stuffy sleeves making arms heated. He was sweating all over, either because the amphitheatre is quite hot. Or maybe because Kaito is standing near him, his arms wrapped around his fiance.
"Well, I'm sorry, but Maki Roll here's mine, darlin'", Kaito says. Shuichi raises a brow on the nickname, and Maki's cheeks burn due to embarassment. She slaps Kaito's arm softly.
"Not in public, you bumbling idiot", she hisses. Kaito laughs again, and looks at Shuichi, who was still looking away from their public display of affection (also because he was imagining Kaito's arms around him, giving him the affection he wanted and somehow needed).
"I want to say, Shuichi, you look quite charming with that suit, that ponytail on you." Kaito flashes him a bright-eyed glint, and Shuichi's heart beats a lot more, denying the fact that Kaito thinks he is charming.
Shuichi considers himself average-looking, and his mother even told him he was an ugly baby. None of the girls in his age had ever given him the attention more attractive and charming boys had ever had. He has always been the less prettier Saihara in the family, and his parents often compare his looks to his cousins. And he's accepted it. That no women would like him as a husband, as a son, as a father.
But his opinions slightly changed once Kaito speaks of his opinion on Shuichi's appearance. Can one person's opinion change just because someone had told them of their perspective?
"Thank you for the compliment, Mister Momota", he says, actually feeling grateful. "If you shall excuse me, I will follow your advice and... try to make acquaintances."
Without waving goodbye, he blends into the sea of people, trying to find a suitable man or woman to have a pleasant conversation with. He prays to God, that he can find a friend or wife in this crowd, and have a conversation with them. His prayers has been answered when a woman an inch taller than he bumps into him.
"Oh my, how clumsy of me!", she says quickly, giving out a gloved hand to Shuichi. He takes it hesitantly, brushing off imaginary dust and looking at the woman who had bumped into him.
She was dazzling. Her blonde hair was styled in braids around her head, with a bun on the back. She was wearing a pink and white gown, which complements her beautiful face. She had pink eyes, and her gloves were the shade of pink as her eyes. She was wearing beautiful earrings, and her skin was white as porcelain, and Shuichi thinks to himself if it was very soft and smooth.
"It's all right", he comforts her. "I was not looking where I was going. It is my fault. What is your name, fair lady?"
"I am Kaede Akamatsu." She gives a little curtsy, and Shuichi kneels on one knee, and kissing Kaede's gloved forepalm.
This woman could be his wife. There's something about her making Shuichi's heart beat like how he had seen Kaito.
"Shuichi Saihara", he says in the most charming voice he can muster.
"What a beautiful name. Would you like to go somewhere private?" She looks at the blue-haired man with a flirtatious, tempting look, and Shuichi was tempted to with her.
They go to the back of the amphitheatre, and he can't help but love the way the moonlight luminates Kaede, her eyes shining back at him. They were now holding hands, something Shuichi now realized. He sighs dreamily, looking at Kaede with dreaming eyes. Kaede looks back, lust and temptation in her eyes. Their faces were close to each other, and it was Kaede who moves first, bridging the distance between their lips.
Shuichi can't help but feel strange, like it wasn't the lips he wanted clashing onto his mouth, even though he likes the feeling of it. She tastes of strawberries, her perfume the smell of apples, and the way she melts in his arms. And he loves and hates it at the same time, still kissing her, still giving her what she wants.
His last memory from that night was him leading a laughing Kaede to his dorm, undressing her, and she undressing him. And they lose their chastity, to each other, in the span of meeting each other for a few hours.
And he thinks to himself what if Kaito and he were the ones who were tangled in sheets, as lovers.
He marries Kaede Akamatsu during the starting of the revolution, and many other happenings. He and she have a prosperous marriage, with Kaito being the best man, giving them a grand, beautiful speech of glory and faithful marriage. They had made their vows to each other, and whoever breaks them will be vowed to eternal humiliation and heartbreak.
They stare lovingly at each other, looking into each other's eyes. They love each other.
But Shuichi can't help but feel he's still not satisfied with his life.
"I congratulate you, Shuichi Saihara", Kaito says with a pat on the back. "You've finally gained some friends, and finally married!"
"Thank you for the compliment, my dearest Kaito Momota", Shuichi replies while smiling. Kaede giggles as well. "Shall we talk in private, as friends?"
He hates that accursed word.
"Of course!", they link arm in arm like mutual friends, while Kaede reels her attention to Kaito's wife, Maki, whom he married a year after their graduation.
They walk out of the chapel and to the open fields, looking at the moon and its stars, always in its company. They lie on the swaying grass, letting the wind ruin their hair and letting the mud ruin their shoes and pants. They laugh with each other, loving the way they blend into the night with their dark and profound colors.
"I feel dissatisfied with what life has offered me", Shuichi says, looking at Kaito, who was instead looking at the stars so fondly, as if it was his wife.
Kaito had a telescope in his University years, and he and Shuichi would always go to the rooftop with the set. They would look at the outer space, the planets up close, and they would look into each others eyes like it was second nature. Shuichi still doesn't even know if Kaito was against sodomites, all right with leaving with them, or is one himself. The way he looks at Shuichi after their astronomy sessions, his affectionate words and pats on the back, and the way they hold each other tight.
He's sending Shuichi mixed signals, and he doesn't like that.
"Why is that?", Kaito asks, looking at him with those beautiful eyes.
"As much as I love Kaede, there's someone else bugging me throughout my entire life." His fingers find the dirt between the grass, looking at it instead of Kaito.
How would Kaito feel when Shuichi tells him the truth, that he is a sodomite, an outlaw? Will he turn him in? Kill him himself?
"Who is it do you love as much as Kaede, even more than she?", Kaito asks him.
And then, Shuichi looks back at him, with parted lips with wide eyes, shining so bright like Venus. And it all comes in one single word, and he knows his life will be over in an instant.
"You. I love you, Kaito."
"Maybe I love you more than I love Maki." Kaito looks back at him with desire in his eyes. Shuichi blinks, thinking he must've been hearing things. Kaito Momota, also a sodomite? Also in love with a man? "I only choose to marry her because she is rich. My family is poor. She improvised. And you? You married Kaede out of love. You eloped with her the night you met. We eloped at our wedding."
"Kaito..."
"I'm not done yet. I plan to join the revolution's army, climb my way up to this impossible social class, just to provide money for my wife and future children, if I don't perish during the fiery battles between us and the British. We will take what's ours, and have our land peacefully."
"I don't want you to die, Kaito. You've so much potential to be a lawyer, an astronomer, a medic. You need not to become a soldier, then a general." Shuichi was sitting up now, worried by his friend's behavior and monologue.
"I've made my decision, my love." Kaito sits up, not looking at Shuichi. "It's either do or die, love. I love you, but maybe I value making fortune more."
"That's selfish, Kaito."
"But you can't stop me from what I have chosen; off along, go back to your legal spouse, to finally consummate your marriage, even if you have given your virginity to each other years ago."
And they walk back, neither smiling or laughing, as the newlyweds go to their bed chambers to consummate, and Kaito and Maki not looking back.
Shuichi joins the revolution a week later.
The revolution and the wars they fight were frightening, to say the least. He dislikes looking at bodies, at the extreme wounds, the amputation. He's always read the deceased soldiers' letters to their loved ones, to their kin. He was still a normal soldier, but maybe that was all right, unlike Kaito, who had actually climbed to the top to achieve what he ever dreamed of. And he was a general.
There were so many times Kaito had summoned him to his tent and they only did what married couple would do, under the sheets. Maki and Kaede had came to know of their affair, but were actually all right about it, as they also have their affair bundled up tightly under their fingers. A family of sodomites. How...
Shuichi's first fight against the Redcoats was on the Trench. It had been a bloody sight, but Kaito told him he's good at aiming his gun at the enemy. Until he gets shot at his right thigh. He groans, stumblingforwards, and Kaito supports him. He has never imagined pain this big.
"Be careful, I'll get a horse for you." He and Kaito stumble to a nearby soldier riding a horse, and Kaito humbly requests him if he can take Shuichi away to the clinics. The man obliges, and he and Shuichi hoist themselves up, Shuichi's thigh burning even more. He's pretty sure he was bleeding, but he refuses to pass out until they get to the clinic.
"Stay still, my love." Kaito's whisper sends shivers up Shuichi's back, but he can't help but hiss as he moves his thigh again. feeling the bullet lodged in him.
They finally make it back the camp, with Kaito shouting for everyone to move away and to get him to the clinics. Shuichi can feel Kaito hoisting him up and making him lie down the matress. He summons a medic, which gets to work away quickly, and Shuichi falls to a deep sleep, still clutching Kaito's hand.
Even if the world dislikes the disgusting relationships they have, it won't take them away from each other.