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Peter was late.
Professor Mystery leaned against his Mysterious Invention in annoyance.
Promptness was kind of part of their routine. It was necessary since Peter needed to piece together enough of the scheme to defeat him…when he won. Which totally wasn’t all the time or anything!
There was a knock at the door of the lair.
Mystery rolled his eyes. “Don’t tell me you forgot to pick locks along with forgetting linear time, Panda!”
The knock was louder the next time.
“You have to come the hell in to thwart me, Agent P! I won’t make it easy for you!”
Peter kicked the door in.
“Ah! There we go! Now, then—why are you giving me a folder?”
Peter pushed the folder into Mystery’s hands. It had a note from Peter on the front, but Mystery ignored that since there was also an OWCA stamp.
“Dear Professor Mystery, due to unforeseen circumstances your nemesis has been reassigned? Are you kidding me? Reassigned to—to Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz? Is that even a real name? That can’t be a real name. And you have been downgraded to a—are you kidding me? Minor threat? I’ll show them a minor threat, why I oughta—are you even listening to me?”
Peter looked up from cutting the wires on his device. He’d started dismantling while Mystery was distracted. He scowled and wrote out another note to Mystery.
“‘You could have at least pretended to read my note?’ Oh, I’m sorry, did I hurt your feelings? You’re not getting called a minor threat, and you’re my nemesis!”
Peter shook his head.
“Yes you are!”
Peter waved goodbye.
“Well who needs you!” Mystery yelled as Peter headed out the door. “Jerk…minor threat my…oooh!”
He snatched Peter’s first note off the floor, rolling his eyes at the ‘I’m sorry, P’ written on the front. Oh, sure, so sorry he’d come and gone in a flash. And, okay, that was kind of their thing, but…still!
Mystery frowned. Peter had been rather…insistent about the note. Not insistent to the level of shoving it in Mystery’s face, but…well. OWCA did tend to have cameras.
He flipped the note over, glad his mask hid his gleeful expression.
‘I can’t tell you more, but you’ve always been a good hacker. If you want to know more, you can find out.’
Mystery chuckled. Hacking into OWCA would make it clear as day he was more than a minor threat!
.o.o.o.
Mystery waited until he was back in his apartment, which OWCA didn’t know about due to not knowing who was under his mask. He stole his neighbor’s Wi-Fi to hide his tracks, and broke into the site he needed.
Part of him really wanted to look up Peter, but the unknown was a huge part of what made them work. So instead he broke into the villain database.
Mystery smirked. He was in…admittedly only on basic agent clearance level, but that would hopefully be more than enough. He looked up the file on Peter’s “new nemesis.”
HEINZ DOOFENSHMIRTZ: THREAT LEVEL RED. Designation: Evil Scientist.
Prone to erratic behavior, musical numbers, alteration of evil schemes on a whim, and petty reasoning for evil schemes.
…Musical numbers? Who the heck was this guy?
AGE: 47
HEIGHT: 6’2” WEIGHT: 175 lbs.
HAIR: Brown EYES: Blue
NATIONALITY: Naturalized citizen, dual Drusselstien Citizen
HISTORY: Came to America illegally as a teenager, accidentally turned self in immediately and ended up with Genius Visa. Attended multiple colleges, often kicked out for “weird shit.” Attended Evil U. Degree status unknown. Alleged “internet degree” giving him a doctorate in the sciences.
Married Charlene Doofenshmirtz in 2002 in a shotgun wedding. Divorced in 2007. Has partial custody of one daughter, Vanessa. Remains unemployed and lives off wife’s alimony.
Began Evil Acts in proper by 2012, graduated to a full-threat by 2014. Remained THREAT LEVEL GREEN for almost two years until hiring Perrin Fletcher as an assistant in Fall 2015. Fletcher’s competency upgraded threat level to YELLOW. Relationship with Fletcher altered to boyfriends in mid-2016. Fletcher and Fletcher’s children moved in with Doofenshmirtz during spring break 2018.
Calls inventions “inators” and they vary greatly in size, scope, and danger level. All agents are ordered to be ready for anything with this one.
Traps tend to vary between straightforward and themed for the “inator” of the day. Again, agents must exercise constant vigilance and be ready for anything.
Hm. Mystery had never considered theming his own traps around his inators, but that was a kind of good idea. Maybe on the days he wanted to give Peter a clue or two more than usual…once he dealt with this insanity and got Peter back, of course.
Mystery tapped his chin. The “relationships” section was unusually long for an evil scientist, and everyone in it had their own links.
He started reading again.
CHARLENE DOOFENSHMIRTZ: Ex-wife, funding source. Kept the name. Pays monthly alimony to Heinz.
VANESSA DOOFENSHMIRTZ: Teenage daughter of Heinz. Visits on most weekends and alternating weeks of summer and winter breaks. Occasionally acts as minion. MINOR. Primary reason for lack of video surveillance in living quarters of main hideout.
Hm. Those were the only two in the main section with the same last name. The next had the longest entry by far.
PERRIN “PERRY” FLETCHER: Assistant and Bodyguard Boyfriend. Appears mute. Skilled in hand to hand combat, vehicle operation, and mechanics. Occasionally acts as minion. If interfering with an agent’s work, threat level is HIGH. Has been known to ignore Agents entirely on some occasions.
ALERT—there are indications Perrin may be a former OWCA recruit, as he shows familiarity with our practices
RED FLAG—Perrin Fletcher has now moved in with Heinz Doofenshmirtz. Their combined skills raise threat level to RED
So, it was Perrin Fletcher’s fault then? What, the guy had decided to move in with his boyfriend and because he sometimes beat up the agents sent to thwart Heinz the agency decided his living there permanently made Heinz a bigger threat?
And who were these other people? They were listed before Heinz’s remaining family, at any rate…
CANDACE FLYYN: Niece of Perrin Fletcher, under his guardianship. Threat level MEDIUM when angered. Dislikes being referred to as a “minion” even if acting as minion towards Heinz. MINOR.
FERB FLETCHER: Nephew of Perrin Fletcher, under his guardianship. Interested in mechanics. No known minion actions. MINOR.
PHINEAS FLYNN: Nephew of Perrin Fletcher, under his guardianship. Interested in science. No known minion actions. MINOR.
So, Perrin had three kids. Okay, that explained that, if Perrin was living with Heinz, so were they.
If Perrin was the reason for the threat, Mystery should probably check him out. He clicked the link to the new article in the database.
PERRIN “PERRY” FLETCHER: THREAT LEVEL RED. Designation: Evil Minion/Bodyguard/Evil Scientist Significant Other.
Prone to silence, high-level mixed combat skills, thwarting the thwarting of evil, and eye-rolling.
AGE: 39
HEIGHT: 5’4” WEIGHT: 185 lbs.
HAIR: Teal EYES: Brown
NATIONALITY: Naturalized Citizen, formerly UK/Australian Citizen
HISTORY: Hired by Heinz Doofenshmirtz as a temp/bodyguard in 2015. Relationship became romantic sometime in 2016, unknown when actual paid work stopped and minion-work became voluntary. Began teaching part-time at Danville High in the subject of sign language in Fall 2017. Moved in with Heinz Doofenshmirtz during spring break 2018.
AGENT NOTES:
Sergei the Snail: Perry seems to have some internal gauge of inator threat level to agent-thwarting-reaction. If he feels the retribution is disproportionate, he will intervene even if previously ignoring thwarting.
Newton the Gnu: Dude will fight dirty. Don’t you think a guy that short can’t clock you in the face—he’ll find a way.
Thomas the Turkey: Did nothing when I destroyed the whale-insultinator or when I smacked Doof upside the head for it. Think he was rooting for me.
Sergei the Snail: Don’t so much as look at the kids wrong. He threw Agent H out the window for asking if the preteens were evil. They were in a skyscraper, for reference.
ALERT—there are indications Perrin may be a former OWCA recruit, as he shows familiarity with our practices.
Mystery frowned. What was with some of the vagueness. Might have been a former OWCA trainee? Didn’t they keep records? Or was this a clearance thing?
He drummed his fingers on the desk. He didn’t see what in any of this meant reassigning Peter specifically. In fact, even with Fletcher working with him Doofenshmirtz hadn’t really had a constant nemesis. The closest appeared to be Sergei the Snail, who appeared in the most incident reports. But Doofenshmirtz’s schedule was so sporadic that the agency didn’t know what to make of it.
Mystery pursed his lips. Did they anticipate a steadier stream of plots now that Fletcher was in-house? Is that why they reassigned an agent so suddenly?
Hmpf. It was useless to keep wondering. What he needed to do was act.
OWCA thought their biggest threat was in Danville? He’d be there soon enough…well, as soon as he could get out of his lease…
.o.o.o.
Peter got into the elevator.
Quickly getting the lay of the land in Danville hadn’t been too hard. Major Monogram had gotten the interns to provide him with a full information packet and some of the local agents had been very helpful in getting settled.
He’d done some minor reconnaissance, warned that Doofenshmirtz had a bodyguard of some formidability. However, the best thing to do with Mystery had always just been to show up and get in evil’s way.
He went to the door Agent S had told him about and, as this was his first visit, knocked.
“Just a minute!” a croaky voice called from inside. Peter heard some shuffling before the door opened. A man with a long nose eyed him. It was Doofenshmirtz. “If you’re another one of those Scientologists I’ll have you know you are in fact a cult and I will treat you like it, no matter how nice your suit is.”
Peter blinked before signing to the evil scientist that he wasn’t a Scientologist, pointing at his hat.
“Oh, are you from the Agency? Where’s Sergei? It’s usually Sergei these days…” Doofenshmirtz asked before gasping dramatically. “Oh no! Is Sergei ill?”
He leaned back into the…lair? Apartment? Looked like apartment. “Perry, make a get-well basket for Sergei, he’s sick!”
Peter tried not to groan as he handed Doofenshmirtz the forms stating he was the new assigned nemesis.
“…Oh,” Doofenshmirtz said as he read them. He leaned into the apartment again. “Perry, cancel the basket, it’s just a new nemesis! Come say hi!”
Doofenshmirtz held out his hand, “Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, nice to meet you. I’m actually off Friday afternoons after two-thirty, so there’s nothing for you to thwart right now, but if you’d like to come in we can discuss the basics of if there’s anything to be aware of, you know, if you want a lay of the land, a basic trapping, that kind of-”
Peter blinked at a low churring noise. Heinz moved aside in the doorway, revealing a shorter man behind him.
“So, ah, Peter the Panda, this is Perry, my boyfriend, he sometimes helps out with the schemes, so you’ll be seeing him-”
Peter didn’t much hear him, too busy staring in shock at a face he remembered from basic training. Nothing pissed him off more than at traitor, and he had never much gotten on with the “other in-training Agent P” to start with.
It seemed the feeling was mutual as Perry lunged at him, knocking him onto his back in the hallway.
“Okay, guess we’re skipping to that…um…I don’t really have an inator, let me see if I can make something real quick…” Doofenshmirtz mused as they wrestled in the hallway. “Oh, wow, is that the time? Perry, you’re going to want to speed this up!”
Perry pushed Peter against the elevator doors, only for Peter to hit the down button. The doors opened, letting Peter flip Perry inside. Before Peter could go after Doofenshmirtz again, Perry tripped him and hauled him back into the elevator as the doors shut.
They proceeded to brawl in the box, hitting a few of the buttons. They stayed inside all the way until the lobby, when Perry managed to use his shorter height to get enough leverage to flip Peter out and onto his back on the lobby floor.
“Whoa! Uncle Perry, where’s the fire?”
Perry froze, still pinning Peter.
Peter craned his neck to see who’d spoken. Two kids, probably elementary school. The tall one had green hair similar to Perry’s teal.
Kids? Uncle Perry?
Suddenly Peter remembered that the “other Agent P in-training” has dropped out due to unavoidable family emergency.
“Is everything okay? Dr. D usually doesn’t have a nemesis come by this late on Fridays,” the shorter boy said.
Perry quickly finger spelled “new nemesis” with his free hand, the other keeping a firm grip on Peter’s collar.
“Oh, uh…okay?” the boy said, looking at his brother.
“What is going on here? Somebody is so busted!”
Two teenage girls came into the lobby, the redhead with the fury of a thousand suns and her hands on her hips as she scowled at him and Perry.
Perry took his other hand off Peter to hold both up in surrender…to the redheaded girl. The brunette girl just looked embarrassed.
“Uh, Perry, didn’t you just tell this guy no thwarting Friday afternoons? It’s family time,” the brunette explained.
Peter angrily signed at Perry had started it. Perry glared at him.
“Hoo boy,” the brunette said, shaking her head. “I’m Vanessa, this is Candace, that’s Phineas, and that’s Ferb. We’re just going to take Perry for family board game time now. Okay?”
Peter nodded, introducing himself with sign.
Candace hauled a guilty Perry to his feet, “Yup, come on, embarrassing you in front of the secret agent. This is your punishment. Let’s go. And you!”
She pointed at Peter, “Come back tomorrow! Breakfast on the weekends is usually over by eight thirty so come after that!”
“Bye Peter the Panda!” Phineas said. “See you tomorrow!”
Perry got in the elevator with the kids, signing an apology to them.
Peter stared after them.
What the heck had OWCA gotten him into?
.o.o.o.
“So…new nemesis,” Heinz said as he and Perry cleaned up after dinner. “That…you know.”
Perry nodded, reminding Heinz that he’d been in training for spywork before the accident had forced him to rework his plans to take care of the kids.
“Well, I guess we know for sure it was OWCA that was training you, huh? So, Peter the Panda? What’s the backstory?” Heinz asked eagerly.
Perry shrugged, signing that Peter had been a jerk. And made fun of Perry’s height. They’d sparred a bit too enthusiastically several times, Perry usually winning.
“Well, yeah, you’re five-foot-four of pure butt-whoop, that’s no shock. You’re like, a short-ish brick wall. That punches,” Heinz said. “Can you, you know, not pounce the guy the second he shows up to thwart? Because he’s going to come by to thwart on Monday, probably. If OWCA’s, you know, actually paying attention to when I build things. Which they are.”
Perry rolled his eyes, promising to behave.
“Great! Now, let’s go see if Skiddley Whiffers has gone to Candace’s head yet!”
.o.o.o.
Monday Morning
Peter kicked in the door, only for it to rebound into his leg, knocking him off balance onto the floor mat, which suddenly turned into ropes that bound him as he fell face-first into the lair.
“A-ha! Peter the Panda, what a pleasant surprise! And by pleasant, I mean completely unpleasant!” Dr. Doofenshmirtz cackled.
Peter looked around for Perry, finding him at a nearby table sipping what looked like tea while wearing a deep teal suit. Perry idly waved. He looked bored, or maybe just tired.
Peter stayed on guard. There could be an ambush later, possibly waiting for when he broke free of these ropes…
“You see, Peter the Panda, I have always been cursed with a high squeaky voice-”
Peter couldn’t argue with that.
“So I invented this! It is an inator that distributes Doofeelium, a gas of my own design that will make everyone else’ voice sound higher and mine sound lower by comparison!”
Doofeelium? Really? What he wouldn’t give for one of the professor’s enigma devices right now…
Perry still looked bored.
“I mean, I thought about lowering my own voice but…nah. Doing it this way.”
Perry signed that he liked Heinz’s voice, briefly looking amused.
“Yep, well, still doing it this way!”
The roof above the lab started to roll back, and Peter seized his chance, cutting through the ropes and tackling Heinz.
…Still no interference from Perry.
After a quick brawl, Peter was able to knock Heinz into a wall and get to the tethers for the device and loosen them, the Doofeelium gas inside being light enough to send it flying clean through the roof.
Peter turned at a low whistle to see Perry looking out the hole.
Peter asked why Perry hadn’t done anything.
Perry shrugged before signing back that it was a basic scheme and he hadn’t needed to unless Peter and Heinz were going to get themselves killed.
Asshole.
Peter realized he must have looked visibly upset, because Perry just smirked and shrugged at him.
“…Are you two done? I haven’t cursed Peter the Panda yet.”
Perry made a gesture to go ahead, and Heinz staggered to his feet and yelled, “Curse you Peter the Panda!”
Peter fought the urge to gape at them both. These two were the biggest threat OWCA had locally?
“Perry, he’s still here. Peter, why are you still here?” Heinz asked.
Perry made shooing motions before signing that they were thwarted for the day and Peter could get lost already.
“Seriously, did they not prepare him at all? They should have had him shadow Sergei or something…” Heinz muttered. “Yeah. We’re done. Inator’s flown off to who knows where, certainly not me, and now we’ve got to repair part of the roof. You’re good!”
Was…was this how they did things in Danville? Peter slowly showed himself out and decided he needed to have a long debrief with Sergei the Snail.
.o.o.o.
“You know, I’d really hoped that my first fight against Peter would be one I won. Make a bad impression and all,” Heinz said.
Perry signed that Heinz shouldn’t have gone with Doofeelium then.
“Oh come on, it wasn’t that bad.”
Perry asked how long it would take for wind and basic atmospheric occurrences to disperse the chemical from the local area.
“…You could have pointed that out before I started taunting him with it.”
Perry noted that Heinz never really listened when he tried.
“Okay so, impressive, impressive…what do you think we have that’s impressive?”
Perry shrugged, flipping through some half-completed blueprints at the workbench. Some were evil, some were weird, the majority just screamed Heinz which meant a lot more of the latter with some of the former mixed in.
“Truly, Peter is a difficult nemesis. He’s got that whole strong silent thing going, like you, but he’s annoying about it. Like, the guy has to have figured out I know sign but does he sign during the thwarting? No!” Heinz ranted. “Right to the kicking and the punching as soon as he’s out of the trap! Feh, bet he’d never get trapped by social convention, he’s too rude.”
Perry tapped a blueprint.
“Huh? My Chessinator? I mean, that was more for, like, playing human chess or whatever…how is that evil?” Heinz asked.
Perry signed that if Peter was going to get blunt, then they were going to need to be unexpected. Making people, including Peter, only allowed to move like chess pieces could be fun.
Plus he maybe still had some annoyance at that jerk from basic training he wanted to work out…which Heinz would be on board for, backstory fan that he was.
“Okay, okay, we can make that work…it’s almost ten, are you working today?” Heinz asked.
Perry nodded. He taught late morning and afternoons only, but the days could get sporadic due to the high school’s weird schedule for electives.
“Cool! You go do that and bring the kids home, and I’ll try to have the Chessinator done so we can all do family stuff by dinner!” Heinz said, grinning. “This is going to be so much fun!”
.o.o.o.
Peter waited in annoyed silence for Sergei to stop laughing.
“You just barged in?” the older agent howled. “Twice?”
Peter scowled.
“All right, all right, let me…so, so, the first time Perry and you got into a fight, but the second time you thwarted just fine, yes?” Sergei asked, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.
Peter nodded. Technically he had thwarted…whatever that was.
“So, you want to know what is up, then? Ah, it is easy. Heinz, he is a very impulse-driven inventor. One of the truest geniuses of the evil scientists when he really gets down to business, but that genius can be directed…oddly,” Sergei chuckled.
Peter had to agree with that. He still couldn’t believe he’d thwarted Doofeelium.
“Heinz likes to backstory. You’ve only had one, but you will have more,” Sergei continued. “Many, many more. I am surprised he’s as well-adjusted as he is, actually.”
Peter stared. Heinz was…well-adjusted? To what exactly? Evil science?
“Now, Perry. Ah, Perry. He’s had it rough since he dropped out of basic training, to my knowledge. He’s not evil, though, just evil-adjacent. But h can be quite the obstacle when he wants to be!”
Peter noted that Perry hadn’t done anything that morning.
“Sometimes he doesn’t. Especially if he thinks the scheme is ridiculous or bound to implode without interference. Then he’ll only get involved if he thinks you’re going into overkill in the thwarting,” Sergei said. “We get along well when I have my side-missions against Heinz. He’s very polite.”
Peter fought the urge to roll his eyes. Not a descriptor he’d use for Perrin Fletcher.
“Well, I suppose you didn’t hit it off very well, eh?” Sergei asked, shrugging. “No matter. What matter is to thwart by the book, but be ready for anything. They respect by the book, and will throw anything and everything at you.”
.o.o.o.
“You were right, Perry, that was a great idea!” Heinz cackled.
Perry dusted his knuckles on his chest with a smirk.
They’d forgone having a “deep” evil scheme for the day and just used the Chessinator to get revenge on Peter the Panda and annoying jaywalkers. Perry personally disliked people who jaywalked when there was a crosswalk right there. It was like they were trying to cause accidents. As a bonus, since the scheme was limited to messing with Peter, even when he’d finally worked out a series of chess moves that let him destroy the Chessinator they’d already technically won by toying with him all morning.
Perry asked what the plan was for tomorrow.
“Tomorrow huh? Well, inspiration hasn’t really struck yet, so I’ll probably tinker with some of my half-built stuff this afternoon while the girls do their homework. See if I get anything,” Heinz said. “When are you picking the boys up from the Tjinder’s?”
Perry said probably around four, four-thirty. They’d call Heinz before leaving to let him know if they needed help tomorrow afternoon to finish the project.
“Oh, man, they are going to knock the socks off that school festival!” Heinz cackled. “A working holographic scale model of the local galactic quadrant is just what that place needs!”
Perry ceded that Heinz was more likely than him to agree with Phineas, Ferb, and Baljeet on things their elementary school needed. Ferb ran a monthly petition for more cold nitrogen experiments—by which, he meant any cold nitrogen experiments. Heinz was always the first proud adult signature.
.o.o.o.
It had taken him a few days, but he was finally here. Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated.
Professor Mystery rolled his eyes at the sign before heading in the front door. How obvious could you get? H. Doofenshmirtz was listed as living on the next-to highest floor. Mystery sighed as he settled in for a long elevator ride.
He looked at the picture of the other evil scientist he’d printed off. A goofy, smiling tropical photo.
Where was the villainous suave? The sense of danger? This guy looked like a vacationing dork in a lab coat.
Mystery got off the elevator and walked to the door. He took a deep breath and knocked.
“Just a minute!”
Mystery tapped his foot as he waited. He hadn’t thought that confrontation might take place in a green hallway with purple carpeting.
“Hello? What are you, a travelling mask salesman?” Doofenshmirtz asked, eyeing him warily.
“I’m Professor Mystery. I was wondering if we could talk,” Mystery said. “Um, evil scientist to evil scientist?”
Doofenshmirtz frowned even as he opened the door wider, “Wow, um, I don’t really have a lot of time on my hands—you can come in real quick to see if any of the openings on my schedule work for you, but, uh, busy week. And all.”
He waved Mystery in, shutting the door behind them.
Mystery looked around. This was clearly the living quarters of the lair, looking like an average apartment. According to his intel, the lab was on the floor above this.
He followed Doofenshmirtz into the kitchen, where two teenage girls sat at the table eating chips with what looked like math homework around them.
“Hey, Dad, who’s this?” the brunette asked.
“Oh, this is Professor Mystery, we’re trying to schedule a time to chat since I’m busy right now,” Doofenshcmirtz said. “Professor Mystery, Vanessa and Candace, and vice versa. Now, let me see…”
Doofenshmirtz walked up to a big dry-erase wall calendar, “Hope you’re not a morning dude because my stuff’s like, a lot of mornings. So, ah, afternoons and evenings would be way better until school’s out. How’s two days from now? I’ve got to help the boys and their friends with an end of school festival deal tomorrow, but we’ll be done by then!”
“…This is about Peter the Panda,” Professor Mystery said tightly.
“Oh no! Was he injured? Sick? Vanessa, Candace, where’d we put the gift baske-?”
“It’s about him being reassigned to you,” Mystery said.
“Oh,” Heinz said, tapping his fingers together nervously. “Well, it’s not like…I, erm…asked for a full-time nemesis…so you’re who he was thwarting before?”
“I will have vengeance!” Mystery declared.
“…Can you not have vengeance in the kitchen? This is where we eat our food,” Candace said.
“You will not know when I will strike!” Mystery said.
“Seriously?” Vanessa sighed. “Dad.”
“Yeah, sorry Professor Mystery, Evil is verboten in the kitchen, house rules,” Heinz explained. “Don’t want accidental food contamination. Or you, know…stuff…want to try for vengeance in the lab?”
“I don’t need your pity!” Mystery said.
“Dad, don’t help him get vengeance on you!” Vanessa sighed.
“It was just a suggestion,” Heinz muttered. “Anyway, I don’t have time to have vengeance wreaked upon me, we’re in the last couple weeks of school and things are crazy. So maybe try a little later?”
“Vengeance!” Mystery warned as he stormed out the door, coming face to face with Perrin Fletcher. Well, face to forehead, the guy was half a foot shorter than him.
“Perry, this is Professor Mystery,” Heinz introduced. “He was just leaving.”
Perry looked between Mystery and Heinz slowly, as did the two children with him.
“Oh, he’s Peter the Panda’s previous evil scientist. He swore vengeance on me because Peter got reassigned,” Doofenshmirtz explained.
Fletcher’s eyes narrowed dangerously, and he made a firm “watching you” gesture at Mystery. He then herded the boys into the apartment around Doofenshmirtz.
“Yeah, yeah, Perry’s like that,” Heinz said. “Oh, hey, if you’re not wreaking vengeance this weekend, want to come with us to the Evil Scientist’s Convention next town over? Maybe you can bring a scheme, convince Peter to thwart you there? It’ll be fun!”
“I said I don’t need your pity!” Professor Mystery yelled.
“Dude, don’t wake the neighbors,” Heinz said, rolling his eyes. “Yeesh, just an offer.”
Mystery sulked as he got in the elevator. That hadn’t gone as planned at all…well, he hadn’t really…planned anything.
Hm. Maybe the Evil Expo would be a good opportunity after all…
.o.o.o.
“So…new nemesis and evil scientist mad you stole his nemesis…” Phineas mused over dinner. “Why does Evil Science sound like a very sitcom-y career?”
“It just does,” Heinz sighed as Vanessa and Perry snickered.
Perry asked if they should maybe alert OWCA about Mystery being around.
“Perry Fletcher, how dare you! I would never rat out another evil scientist seeking vengeance! Unless, like, they were trying to blow up the world or something, then, like, sure, that’s far gone, but otherwise!” Heinz huffed.
“Dad, he wants vengeance on you,” Vanessa pointed out.
“Eh. Evil Scientist Occupational Hazard,” Heinz said, shrugging.
“He’s not going to see vengeance tomorrow, right? Your tomorrow is spoken for,” Ferb said.
“Yeah, no, I mean, he apparently knows where here is, but I’m not even going to be here, so no trouble,” Heinz said. “May need to leave a note for Peter the Panda…knowing him he’ll ignore it and just trash the lab…jerk.”
.o.o.o.
That Saturday
“Have fun, Candace!” Phineas called as Candace set out for the mall across from the invention center. They’d decided as a family that it was safer for Candace and her Busting Sense to ignore the large villain gathering with all her teenage whims and likes, so Vanessa was filling the big sister role for the day.
“Meetup is at five!” Heinz reminded her as she vanished into a department store. “All right kids, here we are! The Fyyr Festival itself!”
“Why did they spell Fear like that?” Vanessa muttered as they took brochures on their way in.
“Eh. It’s cool, or something,” Heinz said, shrugging. “Still, this should attract villains from all over the Southwest! Kids, stay close, okay? Stranger-danger.”
“Wasn’t that disproven as a cultural fear that wasn’t really manifest in reality?” Ferb asked.
“Well not in a room full of evil scientists it’s not,” Heinz muttered as Perry finished looking over the map and pointed to where the main expo hall was. “Ooh! This is the best!”
Perry nodded, signing that there were often a lot of interesting booths.
“So are you guys planning on any of the lectures?” Phineas asked. “…I kind of want to see what Evil people do with chemistry. See if there’s anything Ferb and I can rig back into fun again.”
Perry pointed to a chemistry lecture that would be a little after lunch that looked all right to him. Dr. Diminutive tended to spend time more focused on applications than how he planned to use them. Partially because Newton the Gnu was a really good spy and hard to surprise if he was too open too soon, but also because he liked proving his brain was big even if he was short.
Ferb pulled out a second copy of the schedule and started looking over it with Phineas as they entered the main hall.
“I want to check out some of the black coats. I need something new for winter,” Vanessa said as they came up to an Evil Fashion booth.
“Sounds good,” Heinz said. “Okay, look, look at this. Who cuts the shoulders out of a perfectly good long sleeved lab coat?”
“Fashion!” Vanessa called from one of the black coat racks.
Perry signed that maybe Heinz would appreciate shoulder fashion more if he slouched less.
“Oh come on, you known that it’s because my arms are heavier than most arms!” Heinz said, rolling his eyes as he put the lab coat back.
“We should work on that someday,” Phinea suggested as Ferb eyed some Evil Rain Boots. Which were really just rain boots being sold at an Evil expo.
“Kids, I know you’re miracle workers with the big stuff, but I’m going to need to see some of your small-level circuitry before I let you near my limbs. Or my backup limbs. You can maybe poke around with the backup-backup limbs with supervision but those are important too so be careful-”
After selecting Vanessa’s jacket and Ferb’s new rain boots, they continued on.
“I could re-rig so much of this into toys!” Phineas said as they walked past the weapons racks.
Perry signed for him to just make his own form scratch. Less chance of accidentally leaving in a lethal function.
“Yeah, seriously, some of these people put in so much overkill—oh, hi Professor Mystery! You came!” Heinz said brightly as they found the masked scientist near a pool accessories exhibit.
“Hello,” Professor Mystery said tightly.
“Have you found Peter yet? We don’t know if he’s stalking us or not, but he’s probably around he somewhere!” Heinz said. “Did you bring a scheme? Ooh, ooh, can I see it?”
“Mystery is my allure,” Professor Mystery said.
“…Oh,” Heinz said nodding. “Yeah, yeah, cool. Want to hang out with us, then? You can unveil the scheme as soon as Peter the Panda shows up and it’ll be like ‘BAM! How do you like me now!’ Very cool, trust me.”
“Are you hot in that outfit?” Phineas asked.
Professor Mystery looked surprised to see him, before coughing into his hand, “Erm. A little, when I’m outside. Seattle’s got better weather.”
Perry snorted.
“It does!” Mystery huffed. “Anyway, as for my scheme…”
“No, no, don’t tell us, the mystery being alluring thing will be so cool!” Heinz said before Mystery smacked him across the face with a pool noodle from the exhibit. “Ow!”
Perry stepped forward, grabbing the end of the noodle to stop Mystery from hitting anyone else.
“I’m going to defeat you both before Peter the Panda shows up and prove myself the superior evil threat! Mwahaha!” Mystery cackled. He yelped and jumped back when Perry aimed a kick at his knee. “Wow, you really go right for the—whoa!” He ducked behind the pool noodle display as Perry snatched a pool testing kit (evil applications unknown) and hurled it at his head.
“All right, time for the big guns!” Mystery said, pulling out a device from under his coat. “I-”
A hand snatched the device and it was quickly crushed under Peter the Panda’s shoe.
“Peter! You came!” Mystery said happily.
Perry signed that Peter had sure taken his damn time. Peter flipped him off.
“In front of kids, man!” Heinz said. “Oh. OH, WAIT! We need to move the kids. Kids, go look at…something else. Okay?”
“Ooh, look! They’re building a giant robotic Queen Elizabeth the First for an expo this summer in England!” It’s going to have six arms!” Phineas said, grinning at the brochure.
“That’ll work!” Vanessa said, grabbing Phineas and Ferb and hauling them off.
“Sweet. Okay, reset!” Heinz said, ducking Peter as Peter tried to jump him. “Ha-ha! Fear my superior ducking—ow! Ow!”
Mystery hit him with a new pool noodle, “Fear my use of aquatic implements!”
Peter tried to grab Heinz, only for Perry to block him.
“Why is that even—ow!—here? How is it—ow!—evil, anyway?” Heinz whined. “Ow! Okay, getting the idea!”
Peter and Perry continued their high speed combat, Peter throwing Perry into a table. Perry ripped the table cloth off, everything on the table staying perfectly in place. He waved the tablecloth like a matador’s cape.
Peter folded his arms and raised an eyebrow, not dumb enough to charge it. Perry smirked and jumped him, trying him up with the tablecloth now that Peter’s arms were in tight and he couldn’t fight it.
“Ha-ha!” Heinz said. “That was—ow! Okay, pool noodles are evil, I get it!”
“Fear me!” Mystery cackled.
“I’d rather table you!” Heinz said, pushing him into another table. “Table, get it? That, that was pretty good, I’m not always so spontaneous…”
Mystery tackled him by lunging for his legs, throwing them both into Perry and Peter and all four into a weapons rack.
.o.o.o.
“…So, is it just evil by virtue of being a giant robot? That seems reductive. Good guys can have giant robots, can’t they?” Phineas asked Vanessa as they watched the giant robot assembly.
“Yeah, and like, it’s Queen Elizabeth the First. Sounds like a heroic build, really,” Vanessa agreed. “Maybe they’re just an anglophile. Or an English expat.”
“She’s supposed to have laser eyes,” Ferb said, reading the sign.
“Oooh,” Phineas said, eyes sparkling. “Ferb, I know what we’re going to give our next giant robot!”
.o.o.o.
“Okay, okay, time out, who’s got what right now?” Heinz asked. Everyone had grabbed blindly when the weapons rack collapsed, and there’d been a mess of ray beams and blades.
Perry signed that he had a freeze ray. He’s mostly been making ice on the floor, so he assumed his was the most obvious.
Peter peered at his sword, before signing that it was supposed to shoot lasers when swung correctly.
Heinz looked at what he had, a mid-size ray gun, “A…box-inizer. So is it for boxing or does it make boxes or something? I haven’t hit anyone with it yet, the aim on this thing is awful.”
“You will never know what I have!” Professor Mystery declared. Perry rolled his eyes. Typical.
“My box-inizer and defolinizer!”
“Oh, hey Rodney,” Heinz said. “Is this stuff yours? It’s okay, but way too useful in the hands of good. That’s why I always include self-destruct buttons. No falling into the right hands for my inators!”
“Defolinizer?” Professor Mystery asked. “Like, foliation as in leaves? Does this even work on people? I need something that works on people!”
“Get out!” Rodney yelled.
“Oh look, it’s Evil Security,” Heinz said. “…Hm. Getting kicked out…yeah. Curse you Peter the Panda and Professor Mystery! Perry, text the kids to meet us outside!”
Perry gave him a thumbs up, pulling out his phone to tell the kids to meet them in the food court as Evil Security escorted them to the doors.
“You know, even though our hanging here until dinner was thwarted, I still feel really inspired. So, by that standard, I guess we’re only sort of thwarted,” Heinz said as security escorted them out. “Oh well. Maybe we can catch a movie if Candace still wants her mall day alone? Anything out you think looks interesting, Perry?”
.o.o.o.
“You know, I’m just not feeling Peter as a nemesis,” Heinz said as they drove home. “I’ve never really had a real nemesis, I mean, I dislike a lot of people, but never that special kind of dislike. Sergei’s the best, obviously, but I actually kind of like him, you know? Where’s the special hatred?”
Perry shrugged. He didn’t really get the whole ‘special nemesis feelings’ thing, but then he wasn’t an evil scientist.
“Maybe you’re just not a ‘special hatred’ kind of guy?” Phineas suggested. “I don’t think you’re that hateful.”
“You mostly stop at spiteful,” Ferb agreed.
“…Thank you?” Heinz said. “Anyway. Anyway. From what we know, Peter the Panda was assigned to me all the way from Seattle! And it, it’s like, why? He had a nemesis there! A very jealous nemesis!”
“With a dumb mask,” Candace said, flipping through a magazine she’d bought while everyone else was at the expo.
“Yeah, yeah, the mask is dumb. But, like, he had a nemesis,” Heinz said. “And like, I don’t really see him as a full nemesis, just kind of…of…the new thwart-guy. Oh, that sounds so disrespectful. I don’t think of Sergei as just a thwart-guy. Or Newton. Newton’s cool too. So now Mystery’s lost a nemesis and Peter’s lost a nemesis and I sure as heck haven’t got a real nemesis yet and…I don’t know. It’s all awkward. And now Mystery’s going to be out for revenge!”
“Are there revnege rules he has to follow?” Vanessa asked idly.
“Erm…sweetie, Evil Scintists kind of throw the rules out the window with revenge,” Heinz said.
“You don’t,” Phineas pointed out.
Perry took a hand off the wheel to fingerspell that Heinz was a stickler.
“What, a stickler for rules? Urgh, Perry, don’t make me sound so…good,” Heinz muttered, scowling.
“You kind of are, dad. Remember when Dr. Dim tried removing a self-destruct button you put in?” Vanessa asked, smirking.
“Vanessa, honey, we all swore to never speak of that again,” Heinz said. “Ever.”
“Too bad, those mops were-”
“Ever, Phineas P. Flynn!” Heinz said.
.o.o.o.
“So…you know Evil Security’s not watching anymore. You can, erm, let me go,” Mystery muttered. “Since you’re not thwarting me anymore.”
Peter fingerspelled that he had a better idea.
“…Care to share? Or are you stealing my mysterious thing for your own amusement like the jerk you are?”
Peter rolled his eyes, letting go of Mystery as they came up to a car. Untied his tie and held it out, signing for Mystery to blindfold himself.
“This had better be good.” Mystery did as he was asked and got in the car.
.o.o.o.
A lair. A good guy lair. Peter had taken him to an OWCA, good guy lair.
Mystery was almost too distracted by simply being there to pay attention to Peter and Monogram. Almost.
“So…you couldn’t have done it without your former nemesis?” Major Monogram asked.
Peter nodded, signing that it was hard fighting two on one in an evil weapons expo. Mystery had been a big help in evening the odds.
Mystery shrugged. True, but not really why he’d been there.
“And you…Professor Mystery, wish to thwart Heinz Doofenshmirtz?” Major Monogram asked.
“I want VENGEANCE!” Mystery said.
“…Not really a valid reason for joining, but Peter does have his hands full with both Doofenshmirtz and Fletcher,” Monogram mused. “Carl, invent a position for an evil scientist temporarily working with us to thwart another evil scientist for personal reasons.”
“Don’t give him any clearance though, right?” Carl asked.
“Oh, yeah, no, just let him go one missions with Peter and be like, an extra body or something.”
“Yes! I shall destroy him! From, you know, getting any evil done,” Mystery said.
Peter nodded, and they shook on it.
“Ha-ha! Heinz Doofenshmirtz will rue the day he appropriated the nemesis of Professor Mystery!” Mystery cackled. “Vengeance shall be mine!”
Peter stared at him, wide-eyed.
“What?” Mystery huffed. “We’ve been nemeses for over a year and you don’t know I have a thing for vengeance? Really?”
Peter shrugged.
“Sometimes you really suck, Peter,” Mystery muttered.
Peter signed that he was sorry.
.o.o.o.
“So I pulled an all-nighter, big deal,” Heinz said. “This is going to rock when we activate it!”
Perry pointed out that Heinz should probably tell him what the inator did, still nursing his morning tea. The kids weren’t even out of bed yet.
“Oh. Oh, yeah! It turns asphalt into gravel!”
Perry blinked.
“Local road issues are a major struggle for local politicians!” Heinz said. “And it’s not like the roads around here are perfect to start with, seriously, have you seen some of the patch jobs on Sixth Avenue? Shoddy!”
Perry nodded, realizing where it was going. Heinz was going to make trouble for Roger by messing with the roads a bit.
“I’ll avoid the overpasses, I’m not a monster. That could kill someone if it affects the concrete along with the asphalt,” Heinz mused. “Ooh! How about that annoying cut through that always backs up traffic by the park? That thing is the worst!”
Perry suggested the badly-designed traffic circle by the local collage. It was annoying to go past when taking the boys to the library, and had too many speed humps.
“We can get rid of excessive speed humps! Perry, you’re a genius!” Heinz said. “Seriously there’s like, ten, on this stretch to the high school and, oh, oh, yeah, you know that already. Want to just go after speed humps? I hate those and they’re so stupid and just ticket people already-”
Perry nodded firmly as Heinz went into a full rant. Speed humps were fair game, as far as he was concerned.
“Okay, okay, save the backstories and shit for Peter the Panda when he shows up…so, when do you think he’ll be here? It’s a Sunday, do you think he goes to church? I know Sergei doesn’t work Saturdays because he’s observant, but-”
Peter the Panda kicked the door down.
“Oh, there you are! And you brought…you other nemesis?” Heinz asked as Professor Mystery followed Peter in.
“You’re going down!” Mystery cackled.
“Professor Mystery? Are…are you a good guy now?” Heinz asked blankly.
Perry warily looked between Mystery and Peter, trying to pick the priority target.
“I’m not good, I’m getting my revenge on you! If that involves helping thwart you to make you miserable, so be it!” Mystery yelled, tackling Heinz to the floor.
Peter groaned and shook his head. Apparently he hadn’t wanted Mystery to do that. Oh well. Perry took his shot and bum-rushed Peter, knocking him against the wall.
They proceeded to brawl like the well-trained, athletic guys they were, while Mystery yelped when Heinz punched him in the face.
“You hit really hard!” Mystery hissed.
“Titanium hands, baby!” Heinz cackled.
Mystery kicked him in the shin, “Steel-toed boot, baby!”
He ran over to the machine while Heinz clutched his shin and complained in German. “Ah! Well, well look who was dumb enough to put a self destruct button right here!”
“It’s not dumb!” Heinz said, tackling Mystery.
Peter managed to knee Perry in the gut and took a stab at the machine himself, only for Perry to throw a chair at him. Peter ducked the chair, grabbing it for himself and tripping Heinz with it while his free hand hit the self destruct button.
“Oh no, it’s going to explode!” Heinz yelped.
Everyone ducked behind cover as the Gravel-inator did just that.
“Seriously a self destruct button?” Mystery laughed as Peter grabbed him a used a grappling hook to leave. “This is going to make this gig so much easier!”
“He insulted my self-destruct button,” Heinz muttered as Perry looked around for a broom.
“He insulted my self-destruct button!” Heinz repeated, sounding even more furious this time.
Perry smirked, shrugging at Heinz before signing that of course, Heinz realized this meant war.
“You’re right! And you know, I think when it’s the two of us versus the two of them, there’s really something special there, too!” Heinz said. “Ooh, Perry, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful nemesisship at last! And we both get to have nemeses! That must have been what was missing!”
Perry grinned. If it involved more of fighting with Peter, he was in. Finally, someone who could keep up!
This looked like the beginning of a beautiful nemesis-ship.