Chapter Text
For as long as he can remember, Dan has actively spent his life pretending the small numbers counting down on his arm weren’t there. Despite every sign that told him the opposite, he refuses to believe they are relevant to his life in any way.
This, of course, makes his attitude toward the whole “destined to have a soulmate” thing very difficult, especially as he’s gotten older. Maybe it’s the reason he didn’t have many friends growing up, maybe it’s the reason he choose to do youtube, It’s a place where he can meet people without actually meeting them. His mother had told him that everyone got discouraged at some point, but it isn’t discouragement that makes Dan’s skin crawl whenever he thinks about finding his soulmate. It’s idea that he would have to spend the rest if his life with someone completely foreign to him. He hates living in a world where the numbers on his arm dictate the direction his life is supposed to go.
For some people it’s easier. They have the luxury of their timers hitting zero the moment they step foot on the playground, or the minute they brush arms on the first day of school. In some cases, when people are born, their number starts at zero. It’s rare, but it does happen. Most people look at them with pity but Dan has always envied them; sure they are destined to be alone, but at least they are free. They don’t have to experience the dread of a countdown to the moment where their life will change forever. Free to choose their own path and free to find others like themselves. They get to simply live.
Of course, these are the misgiving thoughts that Dan has never admitted to anyone, especially his mother. Who, despite Dan’s being moved out for seven years, still calls him on a regular basis to ask if he’d met his special lady yet, despite knowing full well the exact numbers on his arm. Hell, she had them memorized the minute he was born.
That is another thing that terrifies Dan — having to tell his parents that his special lady might end up being a special man.
Naturally, Dan had asked his mother and father about what would happen if his timer matched with a boy, and they’d hesitantly responded saying that soulmates can also just be friends as well. Dan had felt their worried glances deep in his gut, he felt wrong for even asking if it was a possibility. Even thinking about it made him feel as if he’d disappointed them somehow. After that day the subject was never brought up again. Dan’s parents came into the habit of attaching only feminine pronouns to the word soulmate wherever and whenever possible.
Dan’s mother constantly pesters him, she always hopefully asks if the number on his skin had changed. They do that sometimes – change. Depending on the direction the numbers go is the universe telling you are or aren’t ready. It’s all based on some bullshit system the universe made up. At least that’s what he was taught in primary school. It could happen at any moment. If you decided to turn left rather than right or get the salad rather than a burger. Apparently everything, living or not, has its own influence.
Dans number had changed once, but he never told his mother about the incident as he likes to call it.
~~~
Dan had been walking toward his favourite coffee shop when he’d gotten a call from his best friend, Anne. She was in a frenzy because she had to be at a last minute meeting and she desperately needed him to come babysit Macy.
Just as he’d been about to agree, Dan had felt a sting in his forearm. When he’d looked down, the 2880h 23m 43s he’d been used to seeing counting down on his arm had changed to 00h 00m 10s. Dan had felt his heart drop to the pavement. He quickly yelped out an excuse as to why he couldn’t help. His mouth went dry with nerves as Anne let out a sigh and said she’d understood.
The universe seemed to think Dan was ready. He did not.
After quickly hanging up, Dan welcomed the sting below his skin as the numbers began to climb back to their original number.
~~~~
The incident was three months ago, and since then, his timer has continued going down at a steady rate, not dramatically jumping down in the slightest. Nor did it jump up, as Dan sometimes wishes it would. Especially now that the hours are so low. He’s supposed to meet his soulmate in less than a week. Every time he glances at his wrist and registers just how much time he doesn’t have, anxiety consumes him, barely letting him leave his own bed.
Despite the panic he had felt that day, Dan has always wonders what the person on the other end had felt. Surely if Dan’s skin had burned, his soulmate’s would have, too. When they saw the number jump from three months to ten seconds, had they felt the need to hide like Dan? Or had their heart leapt with excitement?
Not that Dan should care, of course. Despite what his parents, aunts and uncles, and school teachers told him, it’s not like Dan owes this person anything. He doesn’t know them, he doesn’t belong to them. Not yet.
Still, ever since that day, a nagging guilt finds its way in the back of Dan’s mind; by avoiding the inevitable, he is affecting someone else's life, not just his own. What if whoever is his soulmate isn’t a terrible person? What if they’re innocently trying to live their life and meet the person who is supposed to love them unconditionally?
Whenever the guilt seeps in, Dan deflects it by assuming that whoever is supposed to make him “feel whole” is probably a garbage human. Because in all honesty, Dan doesn’t think he really deserves someone with a kind heart. It’s not like he’d ever done anything to deserve it. The people in his life who’ve found their soulmates are people who have spent the majority of their lives changing the world in one way other another. What has he done? What’s a single thing Dan has ever done to make the world a better place. All he’s done is feel bad for himself when he has no right to.
Dan tries not to fall into another self-induced spiral as he opens the door to the coffee shop below his apartment. That is the whole point of this little coffee run anyways. He had spent an entire two days locked up in his apartment with no human contact other than the chinese take out guy. At this rate, a restaurant delivery driver is bound to be his soulmate. So coffee. That’s what Dan is focusing on. It’s something small but it gets Dan out of the house. Right now, that’s enough.
On the days when Dan is feeling particularly lonely, he imagines meeting his soulmate. He imagines that it is someone completely out of reach and impossible, that way he doesn’t have to worry. Usually he picks someone famous he fancies. Most of the time, he imagines Phil Lester, otherwise known as AmazingPhil. Dan had spent the majority of his late teen years and early twenties fantasizing about the boy named Phil who’d inspired Dan – Phil was the reason Dan started his own youtube channel.
Dan had almost met Phil multiple times. They’d been at the same conventions and events that YouTube was holding countless times over the years, but for one reason or another, Dan never got the chance to meet the man he’d been crushing on for the majority of his life. Besides, Dan was less known in the youtube community, so it was hardly likely Phil knew who Dan was. It was probably for the best that he’d never met Phil. He’d probably think Dan was a crazy fanboy. which in hindsight he definitely is.
As he waits in line at the coffee shop below his apartment, AmazingPhil is the subject of his current daydream. This is something he has found himself doing a lot lately—whenever he has a quiet moment to think, he’s wrapped up in some story he’s made up where his and Phils timer hit zero together. Dan’s mind drifts to what it’d be like to meet Phil in — he glances down to the numbers on his arm — 336 hours and 7 minutes. Maybe Phil would recognize him, maybe Phil would be happy that Dan of all people was his soulmate.
Usually he’s pulled from these thoughts by a loud noise or someone trying to get his attention, but this time it’s different. The coffee shop is rather quiet and there aren’t not many distractions to pull his mind back to the present. This time, it’s the vaguely familiar burn beneath his skin that brings his attention back to reality. Dan immediately feels his stomach sink. He snaps his head down to check his numbers.
00h 00m 03s.
Dan’s chest tightens, he instinctively bolts toward the exit, suddenly feeling like he’s not getting enough air in his lungs. Ripping open the door, he feels his body slam into something solid, knocking him back as he struggles to stay on his feet. He ultimately bumps into a girl behind him, who grabs his arm in an attempt to keep them both from falling over. In the chaos, the majority of the girl’s drink lands on Dan’s jacket.
“Oh my gosh, are you okay?” She hastily asks, as if it were her fault. She attempts to dry the spilled coffee from her red hair and wipe away a stain on her shirt.
“Mmm, fine.” Dan mumbles, turning his back on her.
Shaking away at the spill on his jacket, Dan feels burning under his skin again. It quickly turns into a warm pulse as Dan watches the numbers on his wrist change. The digits he’d gotten so used to seeing fade into his skin and a name replacing them.
Philip Lester.
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
If Dan didn’t know what it was like to have his heart stop before, he does now. Dan’s stomach swirls and his throat closes. Dan feels bile rise in his throat as a wave of nausea boils in his stomach. His gaze slowly raises to find the person he’d never really thought he’d meet.
An array of colours greet Dan when he looks into Phil’s eyes. The blue hues stick out against the rest of the colors now that he’s seeing them without the barrier of a computer screen . Dan can feel his cheeks turn a slight shade of pink as he avoids looking at Phil, his eyes wandering anywhere but the man in front of him.
“Daniel Howell, I presume?” Phil says, his voice slightly hoarse as he glances down at the bold letters on his own wrist, showing them to Dan.
Seeing his name written on someone’s arm tugs at Dan’s heart in a way that isn’t completely terrible. For a second his stomach swirls with excitement, but the unfamiliar sensation is replaced with confusion. This isn’t something to feel even slightly pleased about. Soulmates are for people who are idiotic enough to fall for the trick society has been told to believe. They believe the only way to feel happy and fulfilled is to dedicate your life to someone you don’t even know.
“Shit,” Dan curses, a panicked edge to his voice. He says it loud enough that it catches the attention of a mother who pulls her son closer to her side. He hadn’t meant to say that out loud — excuse him for not having a filter when meeting the person who’s supposed to be the one.
“Nice to meet you, too,” Phil laughs nervously. His hands fidget at his sides looking quizzically at Dan. He’s more shy in person. He’s still the all-smiles Phil from his videos, but different, gentle even.
Dan tries to ignore how smooth Phil’s voice sounds in person, rather than over the shitty speakers of his phone or computer. Dan tries to ignore Phil’s jet black hair, which only intensifies the swirl of colours in his eyes. Dan pretends not to notice Phil’s broad shoulders, and Dan definitely doesn’t notice how Phil is only slightly shy of being the same height as him. Something that rarely happens given the genetics that caused Dan to have about ten growth spurts.
“I have to go,” Dan spits out hurriedly. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he quickly brushes past the man he’d only moments ago been daydreaming about. Unfortunately, in his hasty attempt to exit the coffee shop, Dan’s shoulder collides with Phil’s and causes a jolt of electricity to shoot through his elbow and straight down to his fingertips.
Dan had always been told that the first time soulmates touch it is electric, but damn, he didn’t think people were being literal. An imprint of Phil’s shoulder burns through Dan’s jacket and it’s almost enough to make Dan stay. What would it be like if they touched flesh to flesh, lips on— no he can’t think like that. This is everything Dan is against in this stupid world.
“Wait!” Phil desperately calls after him.
Dan quickly shoves through the doors of Starbucks and begins to make his way down the street, his mind racing. This isn’t actually happening, is it? It’s completely ridiculous. Dan can hear the door leading into shop slam shut behind him and he hears Phil shout in his direction.
“Dan! Dan, wait!” Phil calls again.
Dan feels slightly guilty for bolting, but not guilty enough to turn around. When he peeks over his shoulder, he notices a young girl who looks about half his age bouncing with excitement in front of Phil. She’s asking for a photo and despite his desperate look in Dan’s direction, Phil smiles for the picture. Of course he would. Dan has seen all of Phil’s videos and stalked his social media enough to know that he’d never say no to one of his fans. Even if it was in a situation where his soulmate was literally running away from him.
Dan rounds the corner, now completely out of Phil’s sight, and stops to catch his breath. How pathetic is it that two minutes of fast walking has him leaning against the wall like he’d run a marathon?
Dan closes his eyes and lets his head rest on the cement wall behind him. He takes a deep breath and pulls his sleeve up to expose his pale flesh. Keeping his eyes scrunched shut, he tips his head down, hoping that when he opens his eyes, the numbers on his wrist will be counting down again, hoping that what just happened didn’t actually happen.
Dan takes a steeling breath and forces himself to open his eyes again. There aren’t numbers on his arm. Instead, Dan reads the name Philip Lester. He squeezes his eyes shut and opens them once more, hoping this time they’ll be gone. He’s disappointed of course. They’re still there.
Dan rubs against the slightly elevated letters with his thumb—a stupid attempt to clear them away, it obviously doesn’t work. Dan’s shoulders drop as he leans further against the damp brick behind him. With a frustrated sigh, Dan watches his breath swirl in the cool air and eventually dissipate.
“Shit,” He mutters, defeated. He pushes off the wall and continues walking away from his flat. He can’t exactly walk back, can he? Phil might be waiting for him. So instead, he walks aimless around the city. Occasionally wandering through the shops not looking for anything in particular.
Eventually, Dan wanders back to his street; it had only taken four hours of contemplating whether or not he had waited long enough to do so. The sun was beginning to set, and he was getting hungry. He had thought about stopping to get food, but there is half a leftover pizza waiting in his fridge and, in all honesty, he is craving exactly that. Besides, he has to go home sooner or later.
Once he reaches the coffee shop under his apartment, Dan pulls his hood over his head and creeps past the wall of windows with his head down. He peers in out of the corner of his eye and is startled to see a familiar man with jet black hair sitting at one of the tables. There are three mugs surrounding him, though he doesn’t seem to be sitting with anyone.
Dan feels his heart sink and stomach flip as he bites his lip trying to make sense of the scene in front of him. Had Phil waited four hours and twenty minutes after Dan had run away from him hoping that he would come back?
No, that’s stupid. Why would Phil waste his time waiting for someone who he doesn’t even know?
Dan shakes away the guilt that only intensifies as he looks at Phil sitting alone in the coffee shop. Just as Dan’s about to walk away, Phil glances in his direction. Phil sits up a little straighter when their eyes lock. Dan feels his cheeks go pink. He probably looks pathetic, standing outside in the cold while droplets of water begin to patter on the ground around him. Dan catches a glance at Phil’s disappointment as he looks away and continues past the shop and rounds the corner to the doors of his flat. Dan ignores the shameful feeling that grows in his stomach, thriving on his cowardice.
Dan climbs the stairs leading to his place, head hung low as he wishes he could disappear. Once inside, he sinks deep into the cushions of his sofa and flips open his computer, trying his hardest to avoid typing AmazingPhil into every social media platform that he uses. He manages at first, distracting himself by reading a wikipedia article on Podesta Baldocchi, one of the oldest operating florists in San Francisco.
Naturally, he caves after just an hour or so and ends up on Phil's first ever youtube video, which despite his horrid mood, still makes Dan smile. As it always does. Phil’s thick northern accent never fails to make Dan swoon. It brings him back to 2007 when Dan had first discovered Phil’s channel. To this day, Dan still feels the giddy sensation that he had felt when the cute boy with emo hair had made his way onto Dan’s computer for the first time. This of course, only causes Dan to spiral further. He keeps on clicking and clicking until he’s exhausted every form of Phil’s social media. Dan is in so deep that he’s scrolled back to three months ago when Phil’d gone through a spree of liking slime videos on twitter.
Dan groans, running his fingers through his hair, frustrated with everything that had happened to him in the last twelve hours. He was perfectly content not knowing who his soulmate was and being alone. Sure, at times he’d wished more than anything for someone to share his life with, but why did everything have to be so damn complicated?
It’s frustration, not guilt, that haunts Dan now. Why does he have to be alone, all he wants is to scream or yell and vent his frustrations to the world. It’s funny, Dan finds himself wanting someone to talk to in a moment he’s actively avoiding the person he’s supposed to be able to tell anything too. But why would anyone want to listen? No one cares. People only care about themselves. They only care about their own stupid soulmates and their own stupid families. Sure he has Anne, but he doesn’t want to burden her with his bullshit.
A notification appears on the tab labeled Twitter, switching Dan’s attention to from all the things currently going wrong in his life and back to his computer. It’s probably just a mention from Anne tagging him in a meme, or another youtuber trying to get his attention in attempt to plan a colab. Something that seemed to happen a lot now that he was verified. People trying to expand their audiences.
To Dan’s surprise, it was a follower notification. To even more of a surprise, it seemed that the person who had followed him was none other than @AmazingPhil. Shit. Phil must have searched Dan’s name, which was now permanently tattooed on his wrist, and found out who exactly Dan is.
Dan quickly scrolls through his Twitter feed, looking at any recent tweets that could pose as an embarrassment. He scolds himself for openly tweeting about his love for Phil at least once a month. Not to mention the few drunken tweets that weren’t exactly tasteful. Though Dan didn’t see the point in taking them down — once something’s on the internet, it’s there forever. Besides, how the hell was he supposed to know that he’d ever meet the guy, let alone have him as a soulmate?
It only takes twenty minutes for Dan’s mentions to be exploding with his followers commenting on the new development. It’s an ongoing joke with his audience about how much Dan loves Phil’s channel. Of course, Dan plays his obsession off like it isn’t anything too serious, but in reality it’s true, and a few of his followers probably know that too.
Dan scans through his notifications both chuckling and cringing at his mentions, as Phil had probably seen a few at this point.
@wanderinghowell: @danielhowell @amazingphil started following you, do I sense a bromance blossoming?
@lestermeup: @danielhowell your dreams have finally come true!!! Senpai has followed you!!!!!
Of course his audience, as crazy as they are, would notice something like this. As much as he loves them, the speed in which they are able to notice new developments in his life is quite alarming. Dan closes his laptop feeling rather defeated. He really doesn’t mind being a public figure, but it is times like this where he truly wishes he could be invisible and sink into the white noise that is society.
Dan’s eyes flicker to the time on his computer, and he’s shocked to find that it reads 1:09am. Had he really spent the entire night stalking Phil online? He’d done it numerous times before. Maybe this time it surprises him because he wants nothing more than to forget everything that’s happened today, yet he can’t seem to click away from that very person. No matter how hard he tries to distract himself, he always lands on Phil. Somehow, despite Phil being the reason he feels like mess, he’s still the person that makes Dan feel better. Dan drags himself to his bedroom, hoping that everything will be much more clear in the morning.
****
Philip Lester loves the idea of soulmates. The concept of having someone who would love you, whether it’s platonically or romantically, for the rest of your life seems like a dream. Something that only happens in fairy tales. Phil always struggles to believe it will happen to him one day. All his life, having his very own soulmate has seemed too good to be true.
And one day it was.
~~~~
Phil had been out with his friend, Pj, attempting to look for a gift they deemed worthy for a mutual friend’s birthday, but they couldn’t seem to find anything fitting. Discouraged, he and Pj had decided to stop for some coffee and take a break from the endless wandering through shops. They decided on a cute little shop they went to on occasion, as it was only across the street. As they waited for the light to signal that they could cross the road, Phil began to feel a painful burn under his skin where his timer was. He pulled up his sleeve to reveal a number drastically lower than the nearly 3000 hours he was used to seeing.
“Uh, Peej.” Phil stuttered holding his sleeve up to show his friend, who was looking in the wrong direction. Phil’s heart started to hammer in the best way possible. This was it. In ten seconds, he was going to meet the person who he would click with immediately. The person who presumably shared the same interests as him, and who he would be able to stay up all night with, and be able to be with in comfortable silence or heated debates with. Or at least that’s what Pj always described knowing your soulmate was like. Just as Phil was about to tap on his friend’s shoulder, Phil felt his skin begin to burn once more and the numbers began to climb back up.
“Actually I’m not really feeling coffee, let’s get tea instead,” Pj blurted out.
Without warning Pj changed directions, forcing Phil to follow and hide the disappointed look itching its way to the surface. Luckily, Phil’s good at putting on a show, thanks to his channel, so he was able to avoid any worried looks or questions from Pj.
~~~~~
It is in the same coffee shop, which he finds to be an odd coincidence, that Phil does meet his soulmate. He usually doesn’t come to this one, as it’s normally a little out of his way, but he was en route for a meeting at the BBC when he got a craving for coffee and decided to stop in. The last thing he expects is to feel that familiar burn beneath the skin. For a moment, he is afraid he’d find his number climbing once more, but he is relieved and excited to find that it reads three seconds. He is pushing open the coffee shop door, about to look up from his arm to inspect those around him when something solid slams into him. Thankfully, he has his feet planted solid on the ground and manages not to fall, which is not usually the case in these situations.
The numbers on his arm begin to sink deep into his skin and are replaced by a name.
Daniel Howell.
Phil’s skin begins to pulse as he looks up to meet a curly haired man with deep brown eyes, so dark they almost blend into the pupil. Phil instinctively smiles so wide he probably looks like an idiot. So this is what it’s like. Phil’s hand twitches at his side desperate to reach out and touch the pale skin of the man in front of him; it looks so soft. Phil stops himself of course, he doesn’t want to get arrested for harassment the first time he meets the man of his dreams.
“Shit” the man says, his eyes wide with terror.
Phil’s eyebrows jump up in surprise. Well that’s unexpected. It occurs to Phil a moment to late that the expression on Daniel’s face doesn’t match his own happy joy — no, Dan looks… petrified.
The entire experience is the exact opposite of what Phil had been expecting when he’d imagined meeting his soulmate. From the stories his mother and friends have told him, it is supposed to be a beautiful experience that could take a person's breath away.
Don’t get Phil wrong, meeting his soulmate definitely is taking Phil’s breath away; the whole colliding in the middle of a coffee shop thing is making sure of that.
Phil would be lying if he said the experience is terrible. It is the opposite really, just unexpected. Phil feels his body getting lighter the longer he looks at this Daniel person; despite his distraught state, he is rather adorable. His hair is just long enough for his curls to turn in every which direction, and the rosey patch on his cheek makes Phil’s heart melt.
Phil is so caught up taking in that charming detail that he almost doesn’t hear Daniel say he has to go as he attempts to step around Phil. When they brush shoulders, Phil feels a spark rush through him that snaps him out of his daze. Without a second thought, he turns to chase Dan out of the shop, even shouting his name, hoping that will be enough to make the beautiful man turn around and march right back to Phil. This fails to be the case, as Phil continues to chase the man down the pavement like a lunatic.
If Phil hadn’t been stopped by one of his subscribers he might have actually caught up to him. Phil, however, can’t find it in himself to leave the innocent girl who had so politely asked him for a photo in the dust.
Phil huffs a defeated breath and turns back to the coffee shop.
Phil feels like an idiot sitting alone for four hours ordering caramel macchiato after caramel macchiato in hopes that this Daniel comes back. But, the longer Phil sits sipping his drink, the more antsy with anticipation he becomes.
Phil whips out his phone and searches the name Daniel Howell – what did people do before the internet existed? – when the search is loaded he’s shocked to find a link to a youtube channel. Phil clicks on the link which shows Dan’s channel to have nearly two million followers.
Who exactly is this Daniel Howell?
A string of his most recent videos pop on Dan’s youtube page. It takes a second for Phil to put two and two together and realize that Dan is also a youtuber.
Well, isn’t that fitting?
Phil spends the better part of four hours watching video after video on Dan’s youtube channel. They aren’t necessarily Phils usual cup of tea, as he prefers light hearted stuff over the dark humour Dan seems particularly fond of. They’re still quite entertaining nonetheless. Phil finds himself laughing out loud, only to get strange looks from those around him.
After a while of watching, Phil subscribes to Dan’s channel then switches to twitter and begins creeping through his tweets, surprised to find his own name mentioned — but not tagged — multiple times. The third one that Phil reads makes his heart stop.
March 21st 2017 - @danielhowell: phil lesters new haircut gives me life, like if you agree [picture]
The attached photo is a fairly recent one of Phil’s, which he had posted to instagram showcasing his new quiff that replaced the emo look he had been rocking for longer than socially acceptable.
This Tweet is quickly followed with many more.
Feb 3rd 2017 - @danielhowell: anyone want to explain to me how an amazing human like phil lester is allowed to live on this earth and not be cherished and appreciated for everything he does. k thanks.
Phil feels his cheeks go pink as he reads the words on his screen, feeling slightly overwhelmed. He never thought his soulmate would know this much about him — or even who he was — before he got to know them. Of course he knew it was a possible since, as a youtuber he is a public figure. But Phil’s stomach flips wondering what exactly Dan knows about him, or rather what Dan’s read about him. Sure, Phil has never done anything to technically warrant any scrutiny from the public eye. Aside from the dark corners of the internet which he tries to avoid but against his better judgment wanders across on occasion. Sure it’s small portions of people on twitter and tumblr that ridicule him, but they can be rather loud. People are always quick to define who Phil is and what he’s like without actually know him, which is the last thing Phil would want Dan to see.
Phil continues scrolling, and this is definitely not the first time Dan has tweeted gushing about Phil, and his entire face flushes. He notices one in particular that would definitely not be described as “family friendly”. Phil sinks into his chair when his eyes glance over the words “smack me daddy” and “backwards over a table” are on the screen in front of him. Phil flushes a hot shade of red and not necessarily out of embarrassment, because he finds it rather adorable. It’s becoming very apparent that Phil’s soulmate might already be a fan of his.
It’s then that Phil looks up and out of the window to see Dan staring directly at him. His heart leaps, and excitement starts boiling beneath his skin. He tries to disguise the desperation in his eyes with a small smile, attempting not to seem too eager because it seemed to scare this mysterious boy the first time around.
Dan pulls his black hoodie further over his head, as if attempting to sink into the world behind him, and continues past the door and past Phil.
Phil doesn’t stay much longer after that. There’s no point. Dan clearly doesn’t want to see him. If Dan did want to, he would have come in. Dan had the chance but had chosen to keep walking anyway.
Feeling rather defeated and disappointed, Phil wants nothing more than to wallow in his own home with popcorn and a fluffy blanket. It takes him twenty minutes to walk back to his apartment, and he spends the majority of the time wondering how what was supposed to be the most magical moment of his life had turned into a complete disaster.
Once home, Phil sits at his desk and continues to watch Dan’s videos. It’s not particularly unusual for Phil to stay up until twelve in the morning, but Phil feels a great deal more exhausted than usual tonight. Probably due to the rather emotional events of the day. He decides to take one last look at Dan’s twitter, secretly hoping to find a new tweet lending itself to some sort of insight on Dan’s side of what happened today. He’s not surprised to find nothing of the sort, though. In fact, Dan’s been completely silent on all of his social media today. It’s unusual considering it looks like he tweets at least once a day and likes a couple of his fans tweets here and there, and yet today nothing. Trying not to overthink it, Phil hits the follow button on Dan’s profile and turns his phone to silent.
Phil rolls over to plug his phone into its charger and pulls the covers over his body. Despite the warmth that his bed provides, Phil can’t seem to keep his eyes shut. Sighing and rolling over once more, Phil’s eyes inevitably wander down to his wrist. Daniel Howell is now permanently tattooed on his skin, and despite this person being a complete stranger to him, Phil likes the way it looks.
Phil always knew he would love seeing a name on his skin rather than the ominous numbers that slowly ticked away. The numbers had always been slightly unsettling. It was like knowing your future but not all of it, only a sliver of what could happen-- or when it would happen. But seeing the dark letters against his skin comforts Phil. Finally knowing who was on the other end of his timer all this time. Knowing that all those nights he felt so alone, there was someone else on the other side with him. Sure things didn’t go as planned but Phil knows it will work out.
It has too.
Phil’s fingers trace the name as he relives the moment in his mind, his chest bubbling with excitement as he remembers their eyes connecting for the first time. Phil never thought he was much of a sap, but it turns out he really is. As Phil thumbs over the name, it hits him: he was planning on filming a video tomorrow.
He’ll have to wear a long sleeved jumper.
*****
Dan has spent the last week stressed beyond belief. Between filming his next video and avoiding the soulmate situation, Dan has managed procrastinate more than usual. Which was saying something. He’s managed to avoid all social media as best as he can, which has usually just ended up with him giving in and endlessly scrolling through reddit or tumblr. He’s avoided youtube at all costs, which may be slightly affecting his career, but whatever. Deep down, he knows that he will eventually end up on Phil’s channel, rewatching all his videos for about the millionth time.
This loop of procrastination and stress leads to Dan leaving his apartment precisely once during the whole week; even then, it was only because he needed milk for his cereal.
It just so happens that Anne knocks on his front door just as he’s putting his shoes on to brave the world for some damn milk. Turns out – after three days of not hearing from Dan – it’s worrying, and she come to see if he is still alive.
Anne does this on occasion; she and Dan have known each other since Dan first moved to London. They met before Dan’s channel had taken off and he was working as a server. Anne worked at the restaurant Dan lasted all of three days at – due to Dans unbelievable clumsiness – and they’ve kept talking ever since. Mostly thanks to Anne. She seems to be everyone's best friend the moment she meets them.
This time she’s come to drag Dan out of his apartment and into the sunlight. Not that London has any to offer.
Dan makes an irritated show of finishing to put on his shoes – Anne’s laugh tells him she’s not taking him seriously so Dan follows her out the door.
“For the record, I’m not going out with you just because you showed up unannounced, I was already going to get milk,” Dan says grumpily, partially joking, but also wanting to make a point. He hates the fact that Anne has to occasionally drag him out of his bed and remind him there’s an entire world out there. It’s pathetic. He’s pathetic.
“Yea whatever.” She rolls her eyes, and skips down the pavement without a care in the world. Dan follows, his shoulders hunched and his head hung low. They couldn’t be more different. Maybe that’s why they get along so well.
They eventually make their way to Anne’s favourite pub – The Red Lion – and quickly spots a booth. Anne drags Dan by the wrist reminding him of the literal life changing news he’s hiding up his sleeve. An experience Dan is actively going to avoid bringing up.
However, this is difficult when Dan reaches for his drink. His sweater exposes part of his forearm while he reaches for his cup and Anne does a double take at Dan’s wrist.
“Oh my fucking god!” Anne’s voice is low but her eyes are practically screaming with excitement.
Dan quickly retracts his arm and pulls his sleeve down so far the fabric tugs on his neck.
“It’s nothing,” Dan barks. Anne has always been aware of Dan’s dislike for the whole system of soulmates. She actively tries to make Dan see the bright side of it, but no matter what, he never can. Still can’t.
“Are you kidding me? That looks a whole lot like something!” Anne exclaims. An excited smile booms across her face but it’s only met with a seething glare from Dan. “Ok,” Anne puts her hands up in defence, sounding resigned. “We won’t talk about it... For now.” She adds at the last moment.
Dan knows he has to talk about it sooner or later. But right now it’s all too confusing.
Since that little adventure, Dan has taken to wearing exceptionally long sleeved hoodies every day. Thankfully the weather is proving to be rather wet, which makes his constant long sleeved clothing choices less questionable.
Dan lounges on his couch scrolling through twitter, when a notification pops up on his phone.
AmazingPhil posted a new video! - Weird days and even weirder people!
Dan’s heart drops to his stomach. Phil’s new video isn’t about Dan right?
Dan quickly clicks on the link as his mouth becomes dry with nerves. The thumbnail of the video includes a confused and rather cute looking Phil, who Dan is relieved to see is wearing a long sleeved jumper. Dan feels a small wave of relief wash through him. The last thing he needs is for Phil’s audience to see Dan’s name written on Phil’s wrist. He can’t even imagine what kind of things would be sent his way, especially after the fiasco that was Phil simply following him on twitter. Dan’s followers would probably have a heart attack. Hell, Dan almost did.
The video begins in typical AmazingPhil fashion.
“Hey guys!” Dan’s body tenses. “So I had something weird happen to me the other day! I was getting pizza and the delivery man was not what I was expecting.” Dan’s body relaxes back into the couch, feeling immediate relief that the video isn’t about him.
Dan watches as Phil dives into a story about how the pizza delivery guy shared the same interest in Attack on Titan, and how guy ended up coming into Phil’s flat so Phil could show of some of the merch he’d collected over the years. Dan can feel his heart slowly going back to a steady rate.
“It probably wasn’t the best idea to invite a stranger into my flat, but no one died so I guess it was okay.” Phil chuckles, the sound vibrating through Dan as if Phil were actually right here. “So I guess the moral of the story is, be open to new things!”
Dan’s heart rate jumps back up at the way Phil is looking into his camera. He suddenly gets very serious, he’s a little less bubbly and more personal. His gestures become less exaggerated. It’s like he’s not talking to an audience, and more to a just single person. Chills crawl under Dan’s skin; it feels like Phil is looking directly at Dan from his computer screen.
Phil continues on, his voice now lower and more sincere. “People might not be what they seem and that new people can surprise you.”
Is Phil talking to Dan? No of course not, that’s ridiculous.
Right?
The intensity behind his words makes Dan think there is some hidden meaning. A hidden meaning that might be meant for him.
“Anyways, I’ll see you next time guys! Gooooodbye!” Phil ends cheerfully, covering up his camera lens just as the video ends.
Dan slams his computer shut and tosses it to the other end of his couch with a little more aggression than necessary.
He needs some goddamn air.
Changing into something more socially appropriate, Dan trades his pyjamas for black jeans and a black jumper with white stripes. Still reeling with frustration, he starts down the never-ending stairs of his flat. Coffee is what he needs.
As Dan pulls the door to Starbucks open, he breathes in the pleasant aroma of coffee. Dan hasn’t come back here all week, still afraid that he might run into Phil. He knows he’s being ridiculous, but he can’t help himself. The thought of facing Phil again makes his stomach churn. How could he? After Dan had literally ran away from him? From his soulmate? It’s pathetic. And embarrassing.
Still, Dan catches himself scanning the coffee shop before he pulls the door open and steps inside. He feels like a child, scoping the place out to make sure that Phil isn’t here. Luckily, the shop is devoid of anyone he’s trying to avoid, so he steps in line and orders a coffee, waiting for it at the far end of the shop.
While waiting for his caramel macchiato, Dan’s phone begins to vibrate in his back pocket. The numbers on the phone aren’t ones he recognizes. Nonetheless, Dan pressed the green button.
“Hello?” Dan answers, confused at who it could be.
“Hello. Is this Daniel Howell?” A rather serious-sounding man says on the other end.
“Yes.” Dan says unsure. The unrecognizable voice on the other end adds to Dans anxieties, making his palms sweat. Maybe answering the call was a mistake.
“Hi, my name’s Richard. I’m calling from BBC Radio One. Man, are you a difficult guy to get a hold of.”
Dan chuckles awkwardly. “Oh, sorry about that. How can I help you?”
“I was hoping to potentially have you on our Sunday radio show next weekend,” the man - Richard - explains, sounding formal in a way that always makes Dan feel even more nervous. He hates taking business calls when he isn’t expecting them.
He’s also surprised the BBC even knows who he is. His channel had only recently started taking off. He’s nearly at two million subscribers, after all.
“Me?” Dan questions, feeling dumbstruck. He glances around the coffee shop as if to find the same reaction from the woman beside him. Of course she continues to tap away at her phone, completely unaware of the life changing news Dan is currently receiving.
“You’ve recently been picking up some traction online, am I right,” Richard points out. It’s not a question.
“I mean, yeah, but…” Dan trails off, not sure what to say. He’s always thought doing anything on the radio is meant for superstars, or people that actually have an influence on the public, but Dan? That doesn’t seem right. He’s just a small youtuber.
“Perfect!” Richard exclaims cheerfully, apparently having taken Dan’s yeah as agreement to appear on the show. “I’ll have my people get in contact. What is your email so we can work out the logistics?”
Dan rambles off his business email before thinking it through. He hadn’t actually agreed had he? “Just to be clear, I’m not sure-”
“Perfect, you’ll be hearing from us soon!”” Richard hangs up the phone and Dan stares at the device wondering what exactly just happened. He’s never been on the radio before, how is he supposed to know what to do? Dan grabs his drink from the barista when she calls his name and makes his way back up to his flat to wallow in his own stupidity.
So much for a nice cup of caffeine to calm him down.
When Dan reaches the sofa, he sits down and contemplates his existence and whether or not everything in life is worth it. Specifically, whether or not this radio show is worth it. He’s going to make a fool of himself. He knows it.
But really, being on live on the radio is no different than a livestream, right? If anything it’s better because he’ll have someone else to bounce back and forth with, rather than sitting alone and relying on questions his viewers send in. He could do that. Dan decides he’ll do a live show the night before the radio show for practice. Maybe that’ll cool his nerves. At the very least, maybe it will take his mind off of a certain blue-eyed youtuber.
*****
It’s been a week since Phil met his soulmate. Seven days of going to the same Starbucks over and over again, hoping to run into him again. Seven days of staring down at his arm, reading the words Daniel Howell over and over again. Seven days of wanting nothing more than see Dan, to get a second chance.
Phil is losing his mind.
It isn’t until he’s in the middle of planning his next radio show that he has a brilliant idea.
As soon as Phil can he immediately goes to the higher ups at the BBC with an idea of trying something new, to help promote lesser known creators. Not that Daniel Howell is necessarily lesser known, but he does have fewer followers than Phil. It’s only a matter of convincing Richard, Phil’s boss, that it’s a good idea. It’s something Phil had planned to tackle at their monthly meeting.
“Let me get this straight,” Richard says with a hint of sarcasm when Phil explains his idea. “You, Phil Lester, a man who continuously begs me not to force you to have new people on the show, wants to invite someone you don’t even know on as a guest.” Richards raises his eyebrows at Phil.
Phil glances around the boardroom, finding that all eyes are on him due to Richard’s rather sarcastic and overdramatic reaction. The room suddenly feels warmer, and Phil can’t even take off his sweater to cool down. Not now that there is a name there.
“Rich, you’re always saying I should try new things,” Phil sheepishly says, keeping his eyes settled on the mug between his fingers.
“Look I’m not complaining,” Richard laughs in slight disbelief. “Who do you have in mind?”
Phil knows he has it in the bag once Rich mentions he’s already heard of Daniel Howell and has been keeping an eye on his rise in popularity.
“I’ll see if I can get in touch with his agent and work something out,” Rich agrees. “This is a big step for you Phil. I’m really proud of you.” Rich smiles widely; he’s genuinely impressed with Phil for taking initiative.
Phil’s cheeks flush, but not out of embarrassment. Rich is always saying stuff like that. It is more that Phil’s ulterior motives are making him feel like a fraud. For the remainder of the meeting, whenever anyone slightly moves in their chair, Phil is convinced that he’s about to be called out. It’s not like he is doing anything bad, he is only trying to help out fellow creators, after all. And if he’s only doing it because his mysterious soulmate is also a creator, well, no one has to know.
All Phil has to do is hope Dan agrees to the show.
*****
Phil is surprised when he gets the news that Dan said yes. Dan seems to be a fan of Phil’s channel, surely he knows about Phil’s radio show on the weekends. Maybe he hadn’t put two and two together when he got the call, or maybe he isn’t really a fan of Phil’s. Maybe this Daniel guy only pretends, hoping to snag a few of Phil’s subscribers.
He can only hope his soulmate isn’t that type of person. Someone who uses people for their own gain. Thankfully, Phil has avoided interacting with those people for the majority of his life, which has become a bit of a rare in the world of youtube. Here’s to hoping he can keep it that way.
Phil sits on his sofa, putting a few finishing touches on tomorrow’s radio show outline — the one he is doing with Dan — when he gets a notification in the corner of his laptop monitor.
Notification: @danielhowell: get your pjs on for a lazy night with dan [link]
Attached is a link to younow, where Dan is presumably doing a live show. Phil’s heart flutters as he clicks the link. It takes a moment for the stream to connect, but when it does, Dan’s beautiful eyes that Phil hasn’t been able to stop thinking about light up the screen.
“Alright, I’ve tweeted the link. Now we can start the party,” Dan says with a low chuckle — nerves maybe? He bites his lip in concentration as he reads out a few usernames from the chat box.
He notices Dan’s long sleeved sweater immediately, and Phil catches how he seems to be clinging to the fabric, constantly pulling the sleeve on his right arm over his fingers. Phil wonders if Dan also spend hours at night staring down at the name written on his own skin. Tracing the lines, wondering how the hell things went so horribly wrong so fast and being so desperate to fix it.
Phil catches himself smiling at the screen every time Dan makes a stupid joke, or even simply smiles to himself. Dan goes on about a few things, stopping occasionally in the middle of his stories to discuss a television show or a recent political change. It’s cute how easily distracted he is. It’s something Phil is guilty of himself.
“Right..." Dan says with clear hesitation. “So, I knew this wouldn’t go unnoticed.” Dan chuckles in a way that Phil can once again only guess is from nerves. “I’m sure most of you have seen from twitter already, I’m going to be on BBC radio one this weekend!!” he says enthusiastically. “Honestly though, I’m not sure why they asked me, as I am a living flop.” Dan adjusts himself in his chair leaning back in his chair a dangerous amount. “HA!” Dan lets out a laugh that makes his entire face light up. “Rebecca in the chat said ‘Dan you’re going to meet your daddy”. It’s funny because when I agreed to be on the show, I completely forgot that it was the time the internet takeover was on. I know, fake fan.” He puts up his hands in defence.
Well that stings a little. Phil had hoped that Dan had agreed to the show knowing that Phil would be there, but unfortunately it doesn’t seem like he’s completely excited by the idea. Sure he sounds excited, but the hollow look in his eyes doesn’t seem to match the excited tone. To Dan’s credit, he is trying to seem excited about it, perhaps the fact that Phil’s the only one who truly knows what's going on makes it clear to him that Dan’s not genuinely thrilled.
After briefly talking about the radio show, Dan seems to avoid anything else related to Phil. He bounces through a few more topics before finally saying, “Alright guys, I should call it a night. I’ve got a big day tomorrow. Bye!”
Phil’s closes his laptop when the livestream ends, unsure of what to make of it. He finds Dan to be quite entertaining, not to mention he isn’t the worst to look at. But Dan’s lack of excitement for tomorrow makes his heart hollow and the worry lines on his face deepen. What if Dan truly wants nothing to do with him and Phil’s only making it worse?
Phil doesn’t sleep much. He spends the majority of his time in bed tossing and turning, trying to come up with things to say to Dan. Why hadn’t he stayed and talked that day in the coffee shop, and why had he look so terrified?
Phil needs answers, but he has a feeling that tomorrow will only bring more questions.