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Three knocks on the door and one thud. A small sob coming from the other side as Namjoon open his eyes in confusion. Getting up at three in the morning is definitely not his forte, he can feel all his muscles crying out of exhaustion and his head is spinning from the huge headache he had all day cause of studying.
“Joonie..” the voice sounded weak, intoxicated, muffled with unshed tears. Namjoon gets to the door in a hurry, trying not to trip in the process.
“Jimin, what the hell happened?” He asks once the door is open - the figure of the younger is completely terrifying. Bloodshot eyes, puffy cheeks and bleeding lips from biting too hard are covering a sad man. Namjoon pulls him in, let Jimin nuzzle his shirt, let Jimin hold him tight while he sobs and cries silently in front of the door.
“Hey, hey,” Namjoon shushes him, pulling slightly away just to properly look at him.
He looks like a mess - a pretty mess.
“What on earth happened to you Jiminie? Why there is so much sadness here?” he questions as his hand rests on Jimin’s chest, right above his heart. Jimin follows the motion with his eyes, watching Namjoon place his hand on his chest. Namjoon saw the little drops of tears landing on his hand and looked at the younger in pure sadness.
“He is an asshole..” Jimin’s voice is just a whisper.
He breathes in, closing his eyes before continuing.
“I found him on the bar we always go, two chicks on his side kissing the life out of him like Dementors, dancing with him and he-”, he lets a shaky breath leave him, “he liked it so much that he didn't even got surprised when he saw me. I was standing there Joon, right in front of him and-“.
“Shh…” Namjoon is pulling him in once again, crushing him in his arms and stroking his hair soothingly. “Let’s just put the kettle on, yeah? We will have some tea, then some coffee and a bit of wine. Then you will tell me everything, okay?”
JImin gapes, eyes wide open adorably. ”Okay,’’ he pouts, sniffling in the process.
He walks to the couch ready to curl on himself until Namjoon returns. He really liked Royung, and the fact that his attitude was so cold towards Jimin since the very start has him shedding tears all over again; the realisation hits him harder the more he thinks of all the time they were together.
Namjoon’s raspy voice sounds like a whisper in his mind, asking, “Do you want sugar or honey?”
He let his eyes welcome the new tears and gulped down the suffocating feeling in his throat. ”Honey and cinnamon, please.”
The concern in Namjoon’s face was permanent but he was hiding it away for the sake of Jimin.
Namjoon has always been very sensitive and protective over Jimin since they were little kids - especially since Jimin once got hurt over protecting him from another kid. Jimin was always up for trouble until his teenage years and even though Jimin was protecting him, Namjoon was doing the same by not getting themselves in trouble with any chance they had.
Jimin became calmer after high school, learned to control the storm in him. Namjoon still remembers the days that Jimin would come to his house, a pout decorating his plump lips and the eternal question haunting them both - “why crushes suck so bad?’’.
He still remembers the times Jimin got his heart broken over break ups (even if he was either the heartbreaker or the heartbroken - it was always hard for him). He remembers everything.
He also remembers the stink in his heart, the times he felt it dropping to his stomach like a rocket or the times it was fluttering and flapping its pretty golden wings over Jimin.
Namjoon always liked Jimin, to be honest. He got so used to his attraction over the boy that being melancholic became part of his life, having small tantrums over it became okay.
Namjoon lusting over his childhood friend became… normal. Like a part of his morning routine.
Of course he had his crushes and short relationships but never something serious. Whenever someone was over for him, his mind would go back to the memory of big brown eyes, plump rosy lips and angelic features.
He sighs and let a small smile form on his lips. “There you go,” he says calmly as he places the mugs on the coffee table .
Jimin mumbles a “thank you, Joonie.”
His head is resting on his legs, hands touching his ankles and looking lost, completely devastated but the smile was there. That melancholic smile of his that always made Namjoon's heart ache, like breathing poisoned air and coughing blood. He hated seeing it.
“You're welcome,“ he said nonetheless, smiling lazyly and bringing the mug on his lips. “So? What happened?”
One sip became two, a cup became a couple of them and Namjoon had to remake coffee three times, had to bring tissues and a blanket, had to hold Jimin as he was going through the pain and the suffer that a heartbreak follows up. Namjoon had to clench his teeth, had to clear his throat so many times, had to swallow the lump in his throat thirty three times.
Jimin was killing him from within but he had to suck it up and act like the supportive friend that everyone claimed him to be. Because Namjoon was supportive, he was strong with his words and mind - but soft with his heart and spirit. He was so many things for his family and friends but Jimin was so much more than all the things Namjoon was.
Jimin was kind, sweet, gentle and beautiful inside out. Jimin was… more than Namjoon could ever ask from a friend.
He was listening carefully, eyes burning with anger but he learned how to fake it in front of others, even in front of Jimin himself.
“He was cruel, Joon. And although I know that he is not worth my time, I still cry cause…” Jimin sighs, looking up and trying to stop the tears from coming back.
Namjoon smiles fondly and comes closer only to wrap his hands around the other’s waist, nuzzling his head on Jimin’s shoulder.
“Because there are still memories in you,” he added. “No matter the pain or the hard times, the struggles and the fights, you still spent a big amount of time with him and now that everything is over you need to mourn the glimpse of love he gave you. You need to let all the pain die, or it will keep making you cry and feel mad. You will lose yourself in it if you don't cry.”
The words had Jimin resting his head forward once again, curling on himself, becoming small inside Namjoon’s hands.
“You speak about it like it is the most normal thing,” he mumbles.
Namjoon has to kiss Jimin’s shoulder to silence a laugh. “That is cause a heartbreak is normal Jiminie”
“But-”
“Feeling numb and sad is part of tearing the leftovers of love from somebody who doesn't love you anymore.”
Jimin pouts at that, he knew that Namjoon was right, he knew that this was one of the reasons he was crying but...
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Namjoon’s voice freed him from his thoughts.
“Why you never seemed like that Joonie?”
Namjoon blinks rapidly, looking clueless.
“I have never seen you crying over anybody, never seen you feeling angry over your exes, never heard you cursing them, drinking to forget them.”
Namjoon smiled sadly. “I guess their love never touched my heart in ways that it could bring it down.”
A sigh left Jimin’s lips before he turned around once again, nuzzling into Namjoon’s embrace and closing his eyes.
“I hope that you will never feel like me, Joon…”
Namjoon watched him brush his fingers under his eyes and dropping them on his ankles once again. “Being so devastated over somebody so worthless and just-“
“What if I was devastated over somebody who matters?” Namjoon interrupted, a playful smile on his face, voice as kind and gentle as possible.
“Nobody is worth your beautiful heart Joonie. You are too good for anyone.”
Jimin closed his eyes, letting his head fall on Namjoon’s shoulder and five minutes later his little snores of exhaustion were filling the room as Namjoon was running his fingers through his hair.
A smile formed on his lips once again but it became smaller as the words left his mouth so effortlessly, a bittersweet taste salivating his mouth around them. Words that occured his mind everyday and just for one night, he wanted to spell them out. In his one way, the only way that he learned to deal with them.
“Wish you were my anyone, my nobody.” He entangles his hand with Jimin’s and squeezed.
“Wish you were heartless, so things would be easier,” he mumbles lightly as he rest his chin on the hair that smells of caramel and kumquat. Of love and melancholy.
“Wish you weren’t this oblivious sometimes but I’m never gonna say that again,” he sighs and closes his eyes, willing himself to be slowly embraced by sleep.
A whisper came from his mouth before a tear left his eye and his heart became caged once again, filled with guards and walls and grey clouds. “Cause it hurts to love blindly but not be loved the same.”