Chapter Text
The makai wind blew gently through Hiei’s hair, rustling the leaves of the tree upon which he sat. It was a familiar wind - the wind of home - and it should have felt comforting. Instead, it pricked against Hiei’s skin like sandpaper, a forceful and unwelcome reminder of Hiei’s choice to stay in the makai.
“You could go back to ningenkai.”
Mukuro had said those words to Hiei so many times, each time with a little more bite in her tone. Hiei had never felt it was actually an offer; rather, Mukuro was testing him, pushing his limits, trying to see how long it took until he broke. And so far he hadn’t - at least, not outwardly. Every time, he held his expression together and answered in the way he knew she expected of him:
“You know why I stay.”
Hiei sighed and shifted slightly on the tree branch. Maybe it was true - maybe Mukuro did know why he stayed in makai. But after two years, Hiei could no longer deny that he certainly had no clue. He had claimed it was because the makai was his home - but was it? Does the place of one’s birth necessarily constitute home?
Mukuro would have Hiei believe that she was his home. And for two years Hiei had no reason to question that. But the seeds of doubt had taken root and finally blossomed, and now Hiei could hardly stand to be around her. Just being in their room felt absolutely suffocating, claustrophobic, almost… dirty. Hiei found himself escaping to the trees more often than not these days.
And during these brief respites from the woman he claimed he loved, Hiei couldn’t stop his thoughts from straying back to the concept of home. If home was defined by the people who care about you, surely ningenkai had more to offer him. Yukina was there. Yusuke and Keiko, Kuwabara (though god forbid Hiei consider that oaf family). And of course, Kurama was there too.
Hiei sighed again and pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes to try to block out the thoughts of the fox. Kurama was far and away the largest contributing factor to Hiei’s confusion these days. Considering he was supposed to be committed to Mukuro, the fire demon sure did spend a lot of time thinking about that man. About his smile. His long red hair. The sound of his laughter. But mostly, the nature of their last conversation before he had returned to ningenkai for good.
I’m sorry Hiei, but I just don’t feel that way about you.
It had been a joke, or so Kurama claimed. But joking or not, the words had ripped a hole in Hiei’s chest in a way he hadn’t expected. Hiei knew that emotions weren’t exactly his strong suit, and it had taken him years to understand why he thought about Kurama all the time, and why he got furious if Kurama got injured, or why he felt like his life had been ending each time he thought Kurama was dead. It had taken him years - only for Kurama to pull the rug out from under him just when he had figured it out. Hiei would never admit this out loud to anyone, but Kurama’s little “joke” had been the final nail in the coffin as to Hiei’s decision to reside in the makai.
Hiei shook his head and glanced at the setting sun before hopping out of the tree and making his way back to the room he shared with Mukuro. She’d be upset with him for staying out so late without warning - of course, she wouldn’t do anything about it, she’d just glower at him and try to guilt him into apologizing.
Never one to disappoint, Mukuro was lounging on her bed when Hiei arrived, staring down her nose at the door in disgust. Hiei walked in silence to his chair and plopped down, looking everywhere but at Mukuro.
“You’re sure back late,” she said after a moment. Her unspoken questions hung in the air around them like ghosts.
Hiei simply hummed in response, refusing to give her the satisfaction of answering. Mukuro’s stare didn’t waver - it was much to Hiei’s chagrin that she had always been almost as stubborn as he.
Almost .
“Where have you been?” she finally asked, bitter defeat in her tone. Hiei couldn’t stop the chuckle of satisfaction that escaped his lips, and felt strangely prideful at the way the demoness tightened her lips in response.
“Nowhere,” he replied antagonistically.
“What were you doing?” Mukuro tried again. Hiei rolled his eyes.
“You’re certainly being invasive this evening,” he said. “It’s hardly any of your business what I do with my time.” Mukuro chuckled humorlessly.
“Ah, so you were out daydreaming about your little pets in ningenkai again then,” she said. Hiei wished he could’ve stopped his lip from curling in anger, knowing too well that it was all the admission Mukuro needed from him. “Who would’ve expected you to be so soft, Hiei?” She laughed dryly, never breaking eye contact with Hiei.
“Lounging in this room all day must have made you stupid, if you truly think I’m soft,” he said. “Or perhaps you’ve just always been stupid.” Mukuro practically growled at him.
“If you love humans so much, you can always go back to your precious ningenkai.” Hiei nearly jumped out of his chair and thrust one finger in her face.
“Maybe I will then!” he said. “All this time you’ve been telling me to go, maybe it’s time I started listening to you!” Mukuro actually looked surprised for a moment before she got herself together and replaced the expression with one of smug satisfaction.
“You won’t go, Hiei,” she said, analyzing the state of her fingernails. “You’re too smart for that. You know I’m the only one who really cares about you - who understands you and all you’ve been through. You don’t want to leave me.”
Hiei crossed his arms and tried to muster up his most detached, unimpressed expression. It was true Mukuro was the only person who truly understood all he’d been through, thanks in part to the fact that she’d connected their consciousness together all those years before and had read his history like a book. And for this whole time, Hiei had believed that if she was the only person who understood him, it must be true that she was the only person who cared about him, too. Logically, it made sense.
But how could she be the only person who cared about him, when she so clearly didn’t care about him at all?
Without a word, Hiei turned on his heels and walked towards the door, all doubt suddenly erased from his mind. If the only reason he was staying in the makai was for Mukuro, well, then there was no reason for him to stay.
***
The wind in ningenkai was cooler than Hiei expected but relatively still compared to the gailforce gusts in the makai. It had been much easier to traverse between worlds now that the barrier was down, and Hiei couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed at the lack of a challenge.
Although it hardly mattered, since it seemed that the real challenge was just beginning now that he realized he had nowhere to go in all of ningenkai. Yukina was staying with Genkai and Hiei didn’t exactly feel like he could show up there unannounced and ask for a place to stay. Yusuke had been a potential option, until Hiei sat outside his window and noticed Keiko was with him. It didn’t seem appropriate to interrupt them. There was Kuwabara - but Hiei would rather go back to Mukuro than stay with him.
That only left Kurama.
Hiei wasn’t sure he was ready to face him yet. Just being back in the same world as him was dredging up some conflicting and confusing emotions, so surely being in the man’s room would be too much for the fire demon. But life is never fair and Hiei had nowhere else to go, so he found himself sitting outside the second floor apartment, staring in the window at the man he’d dreamed about every day for the last two years.
Hiei knew Kurama had sensed him - he could tell by the way he faltered almost imperceptibly for a millisecond as he turned the page of his book, by the way his face flushed slightly due to his racing heart. Hiei didn’t even allow himself to consider why Kurama’s heart was racing. After all, he had made it clear two years ago when he left that it wasn’t what Hiei had hoped it was.
Kurama licked his finger delicately before flipping another page of his book. He hadn’t acknowledged Hiei’s presence, and Hiei didn’t expect him to. That was the way things had always been with them - a game of pretend. They both knew Hiei was there, yet they would both pretend nothing was amiss.
Hiei had played the game too well before and had gotten burned. He had thought Kurama was playing by the same rules at the time. Now, looking at him in his human apartment reading his human book and living his human life, Hiei realized Kurama had won the game before they’d even started. No one could out-pretend him.
Hiei looked away from the mind-numbing scene in the window. What had he been hoping to gain by coming here? He already had Kurama’s answer to the question he’d never asked. There was nothing here for him. Mukuro had been right.
With a sigh, Hiei leapt back through the trees, away from Kurama’s apartment.