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Having a drink with Rick and Daryl felt just like old times, when they would celebrate the end of a particularly intense run of exams or the very beginning of their surgical career. It was the same bar, too: Hilltop General, right by the hospital and impossible to miss if you were part of the staff, a tradition altogether.
They were sitting in one of the booths, listening to the low playing music and the buzz of tipsy people around them. This was an end-of-shift drink and if it was very much needed, they were all slowly getting more and more tired.
The three men were deep in conversation about Shane's moving - he'd finally found a decent, two-bedroom apartment in a rather fancy complex with a view of Atlanta so vast he knew he had to take it when he first saw it, when a loud voice resonated behind him.
“Well, can't say I didn't wait for that call,” Merle said by way of introduction. He stood with his arms crossed and looking straight into Shane's eyes as soon as he had the man's attention. His whole posture said anger but his eyes told Shane a different story.
“Merle--” Shane started getting up,
“Don't bother,” he huffed and it was the distinct notes of hurt in his voice that prompted Shane to follow him as he went for the door of the bar in long, ranger-footed strides, head bowed and shoulders squared. Shane cast one last glance at his friends and saw the couple looking back at him, Rick shrugged, Daryl let out a small smile and the surgeon was out.
A little sigh of relief escaped Shane's lips when he found out Merle didn't go far but barely made it out of the bar before he slouched on the half-wall by the door to practically inhale his cigarette. Again, body language told Shane he was walking on eggshells here but the fact remained, this man had intrigued him the first time around and he couldn't quite explain it but something pulled inside him and towards Merle. He stepped closer.
“Merle--”
“I said don't ,” Merle's eyes shot daggers as he breathed deeply, his nostrils flaring, his shoulders still standing square and solid and that distracted Shane for just a second, just the time it took for the other man to keep going, “I didn't know ya were friends with these two, I guess once ya connected the dots, that call got lost, huh?” and he smiled sadly and Shane thought he might have made a mistake, not calling, but then again…
“They didn't say much of anything, there are just not that many Merle Dixons, see, and I have heard of you before and I…” Shane broke off, at a loss for words. Did those biceps have any right to be so alluring? he thought.
Arms flexing all the more, Merle barked him back to the now and then, “Ya couldn't try and decide fer yerself? That what ya tryna tell me?”
“No, not at all, I just thought you'd not be interested in me anymore once you ‘connected the dots' as well.” Shane's voice got lower and lower as he talked and his eyes fell to the ground between them for a moment.
“What's that s’posed ta mean?” Shane's eyes flickered back to Merle's and all he found was confusion, a trace of his anger still but no deep sneered understanding like he thought he might find.
Cars passed them by in the street behind him, an ambulance or two made it to the hospital a few yards away before Shane found his courage again, “Do you not know?”
“Know what? C'mon man, stop playin’ games, whatcha talkin’ about?” Merle lit another cigarette and his arms stayed uncrossed at this point, some might see progress there, Shane was too busy looking for words.
He'd done this before, coming out to someone he was interested in, coming out to important people in his life, Rick, Daryl, Mrs Grimes… But for some reason, this one man, who'd made him all tingly from one encounter and hadn't really left his thoughts since, this one man was hard to come out to. Maybe it was prejudices, maybe it was looking out for himself, past deceptions still fresh in his mind or just the sense of possibility he got from Merle. A possibility for more, maybe.
“Gonna spit it out or should I just go?” Merle's words were gruff but Shane could still hear concern there so he breathed deep and just blurted it out, “I'm trans, man, that's all, knowing what I know of your big mouth I just didn't want to…” and once again, Shane's voice died in a whisper as he looked into the other man's eyes, round with surprise and shock. Of course , he thought, of fucking course that was how it would go , he made to turn around and leave but a hand at his elbow stopped him in his tracks.
“Wait, yer tellin’ me ya just decided I'd be one o’ those trans haters so ya went ahead and spared yerself? That it?”
Shane blinked, pinched the bridge of his nose, arms dangling pointlessly as he huffed, “Yes! That is it .”
Merle laughed. He actually laughed and Shane didn't know if he should be hurt or what. Merle ducked his head a bit to catch his gaze, a small step taken in Shane's direction.
“Lemme ask ya something,” Merle started, voice quizzically blank, Shane nodded, “Does it make ya any less of a man?”
A moment passed, of all the things Shane thought he'd hear come out of this man's mouth, that hadn't been it.
He shook his head, both to let go of his surprise and to deny, “No. No it doesn't.” his voice was steady and confident, his eyes dark as memories of assholes spitting it in his face came back, but then, Merle smiled his crooked thing that revealed half his teeth, his eyes gleaming amusedly, “Well then, we're good, ain't we?”
Shane stood frozen in place, passively watching as Merle got closer and closer until he could reach his ear, a drawled whisper that put gentle, thrilled dots over his skin, “So ya didn't call, but maybe we can have that drink now, whaddya say?” then he leaned back, his clear blue eyes glinting with seductive mischief and a sweet kind of innocence still, expectation written in them as clearly as it gets. And that was it.
Shane nodded slowly, an equally slow smile drawing his lips taut across his face, “Lemme grab my things?”
“Ain't goin’ anywhere” Merle answered, leaning on the same half-wall again.
Shane reentered the bar, one hand rubbing the nape of his neck in wonder, no way he'd have thought this would go this way or this well. He walked back to the table and found the two other men staring at him. He smiled at them, that went okay, so okay. He was okay.
“M'having a drink with your brother.” Shane huffed a disbelieving laugh, looking between his two friends before he left, joining Merle once more.
“I'm ready.”
“Good, let's go, I know a nice place not too far,” Merle smiled and took a deep steadying breath, “Can I?” he asked extending a hand and Shane looked from that hand to the man's eyes, sweet surprise reaching his heart at the gesture. He nodded softly, then put his hand in Merle's, testing the feel of it, his calloused palm brushing gently against his.
They made their way to what was in fact a café more than a bar and Shane found the setting was much more adapted to getting to know this man.
They talked for hours on end and even when the café closed for the night, they kept talking as they wandered in the streets, exchanging stories and anecdotes, joking around and looking deep into each other's eyes, smiling smiles that seemed brighter than the joke warranted, breathing breaths that seemed deeper than their stroll down the night of Atlanta required.
Merle walked Shane home in the early hours of the morning. As they reached the doors of the man's complex, Merle's head bowed increasingly lower, he was no longer looking in Shane's eyes but at his feet, his voice had grown quieter as well the closer they got to Shane's place. Watching him out of the corner of his eye, Shane couldn't help but smile, excitement and doubt invading his veins in equal measures.
“Kiss me goodbye,” he breathed.
Merle raised his head at whiplash-worthy speed, the blue of his eyes filled with questions as he scanned the other man's face as if, not believing that he'd heard what he heard, he needed reassurance before he took that one step closer. Shane gave him a nod then tugged him closer by their joined hands, leaving them standing chest to chest, their mouths all but brushing together gently, breathing against one another. “Kiss me,” Shane repeated, Merle's lips almost moving in time with his.
He did. Their mouths met more frankly, pressing together, filling the empty space that had been, creating a soft haven in the space that was now theirs.
Any remaining question Shane might have had vanished right there, and if he was a realistic man, he still couldn't help the hope that filled his lungs when Merle's tongue first breached the seal of his lips to reach his own.
He was okay.