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Being 17 and foreign wasn't easy. Living in a place that is far away from home and people giving stinky eyes just because I myself choose to appear different from everyone else, is really, undoubtly, hard. But you weren't like them. You knew that I was an outcast for being who I am and you knew that people despise me for my appearance. Long blonde hair, lots of piercings, never smiling face and untidy outfit. But you chose to be my friend despite all the talks about me being a bully in my previous school. You chose to ignore all of those, knowing that I could possibly harm you in any way, and knowing that I wouldn't open up to you so easily. You gave me a chance and you chose to be in it.
You, Lee Taeyong. You were a one bright kid. You were annoying and you were like a pest, following me everywhere and bugging me about everything. You really wanted my attention and you did everything you could to gain it. You were persistent in becoming my friend, or at least an acquintance to me, and you never gave up in trying to even make me look at your way. You had many friends, I suppose. Everyone liked you and everyone wanted to be you, hell, I wanted to be you. I wanted to know what was inside your head and I wanted to have your positivity. But I knew I couldn't, and as much as I wanted to be you, I actually despised you. I'm sorry, but I really did despised you.
Your happiness, your laughter, your smiles and all your cheerful remarks, I noticed them. Yes I did. But I hated them. I could never have them so I decided to hate them. I hated how you were so easily amused, how you were someone who easily laugh and smile so widely until the sun loses its meaning. I hated how you were so carelessly free and how you were literally a butterfly amongst moths like me and the people around you. I hated how you could easily lift someone's mood and how you could easily chase the cloud away from covering the sunny sun. You were someone that I wanted to grow up to be when I was younger and you were someone that my parents wished I was. But unfortunately, I'm like this, and I can't be like you.
Despite all those hatred that I had for you, I kept you by my side. Of course, without me voicing it out. You would offer to go to the library with me and I didn't have the heart to reject you. You sneaked up from behind me when I ate my lunch alone at the rooftop and I didn't chase you away because I wanted to know how it feels like to have someone to accompany me having my lunch. You insisted on walking me home although the roads to our houses were the complete opposites and I can walk home myself since I'm supposed to be a delinquent, they said, but I kept quiet about it because nobody ever walked me home until you did. You appeared in front of my apartment door looking all dressed up and dragged me to hang out in the town when I was still drowsy from sleep but I didn't complain because it was my first ever hang out with someone other than myself.
But happy days do end. Your pet, as I knew was a dog, died. You were sad and you obviously needed someone to be with you, to comfort you, to tell you that it was alright. I was there, but I'm so sorry that I didn't know what to do. Your other friends weren't there with you and it pissed me off. I wanted to tell them to take care of you, to treasure you better as a friend, but I realized that it was troublesome. I didn't want to make you even more sad with the fact of your friends being literal assholes to your sad self, so I chose to stay quiet and just be there for you in silence. You loved your dog so much. I know it because it was the only thing you ever talk about during our rooftop lunch sessions. Your dog was like your guardian angel you said, and when it died, you refused to get a new one, saying that no other dogs could replace it.
You being an emotional kid because of your dog's death became a topic at school. They called you names and they would pick on you for being a weak boy. One day you went home ahead of me and I didn't know how, my feet brought me to the path that you would take to go home, and I was secretly following you from behind like a creepy stalker. Lucky that I was there at that time. Kids from other school saw how pathetic and small you looked like walking on your own, that they decided to pick on you. They were literally calling you names and stole your wallet from you, taking out the little cash you had in it, right in front of your eyes. I couldn't stand still, I had to do something. I knew I was able to save you, to help you, that was the least thing that I could do and I'm glad I did. Kids. Only seeing me made them almost pee in their pants and they hadn't even heard me speak. They whispered among themselves, about knowing who I was and I realized that they were wearing the school uniform that I once wore. Soon after, they were gone from our sight and when I gave you back your wallet after gathering the money bills that they dropped onto the ground, you were in tears. And I didn't understand why.
We became friends. I started to talk more to you and respond to your quirky remarks. You told me that you liked my voice and it made me want to talk to you more so you'd keep hearing me. I told you about myself, and you listened to me attentively. You told me that having my own opinion is great and I should never lose myself. You were patient with me, so, so patient that if I were you, I wouldn't know how to deal with myself. You said you were curious of my hair and wondered how I would look like if my hair was in darker colour. I redyed it for you. I removed the blonde and I showed you I looked like with black hair. You told me I looked pretty and I wasn't having it. I didn't want to be called pretty but it was you. It was you, so I just accepted it. You told me to keep my piercings and I did. I did it because a part of me do want to keep my piercings and I never want to remove them, but a part of me did it because you told me to. You said it suits me, a lot, and you liked them. My ugly sides, you embraced them all warmly without any judgement. I wanted to embrace yours too, but I never knew if you even had any ugly side.
You never told me much about yourself. All I knew about you was, you were the total opposite of me. A contradiction of me and someone that I wished to be. You were perfect from head to toe in appearance, a flawless little angel. You were also perfect inside, which made you even more of an angel. That was until you started to skip school a few days in a week. People around were saying things about you and your family. I knew nothing about your parents and I was in no place to ask you anything about them as you never asked me anything about mine. The days you came to school within a month could be counted with only the fingers on my hands and I didn't like how you were frequently absent. You told me to never skip school despite hating it, but you were doing it yourself. I didn't understand why. I wanted to know why was the perfect angel showing his flaws so suddenly and in a weird, puzzled way, and I really wanted to ask. But after you sent me home that one evening, I never saw you again.
You stopped coming to school and I was worried. I was worried but I was too much of a chicken that I didn't even want to find you. The exams were coming up and the teachers were all worried about you, and I didn't want you to miss the exam since it was to determine your future. You told me you wanted to be a doctor when you grow up and I didn't want you to slack off from your studies. After a stupid two weeks of worrying and ignoring my urge to visit you, I finally did. But you weren't home. No one was home. Your neighbour saw me standing outside of your apartment looking all lost and contemplating whether to leave or to stay, then she told me something. Something that I will never forget on how it made my head spin, my stomach churn, my legs weak and my heart clench. Something that was so heavy and complicated for someone as simple as me to take in, and something that was totally out of my expectations.
She said your parents had a divorce and none of them wanted to take you in for custody so they left you alone. She said she wanted to take you in but you refused, saying that you could handle it and you weren't a little child anymore. She told me that you were taking part time jobs and only coming back home at nights. I never knew all of that, I really didn't know. You were such a strong person and I was dumb for leaving you to shoulder everything on your own. I never noticed how tired you were, how sad you actually were when you came to school. I never noticed the dark circles under your eyes and your unironed uniform. I never noticed your lack of enthusiasm and your short responses despite your ever so blinding smile. The next thing your neighbour told me, it broke my heart. Lying down on the cold floor of the hallway to your living room from your front door, looking lifeless and pale while the door was left ajar, she saw you there. And never have I ever sprinted so fast to the hospital, just to find you.
You said you were alright, that there was nothing going on. You said you were just too tired from overworking and that I shouldn't worry about you. But I didn't buy those. I wanted to know what was happening for real, and I wanted to ask the doctor, but you stopped me and said that you would tell me about it soon. You told me that I shouldn't waste my time to visit you in the hospital every day after school, but I insisted. I wanted to be there with you, to know if you were fine and safe. You told me that I was annoying and I was like a pest but, did you know that you were one too? You didn't mean it though, and I knew that. I did my homeworks with you, I studied with you and you helped me correct my mistakes. You were like my tutor, but you were sick and I didn't want to make you think so much, so sometimes I would hide my homeworks from you. Sorry for that. You didn't take the exam, and I was sad, honestly. You said you could take it some other time so I thought you were right, you could take it some other time. But we were both wrong.
I have never appreciated time so much, until the moment I started to visit you daily. Summer holiday was a chance for me to be with you longer for each day, and I could even stay over at your hospital room without being yelled at by you to go home. You weren't getting better though. Your medicine intake dose were getting increased, your arms were constantly getting poked by needles and you were starting to get weaker. Your asthma attacks were getting frequent and you kept coughing blood. I wanted to know what was going on, Taeyong, I wanted you to tell me. I saw how broken you were when I walked in before the doctor ushered me out of your room to tell you something about your condition. I heard how you cried at nights thinking that I wouldn't hear because you thought I was sleeping on the couch in your room. It was only the next few days, when you fell onto the floor from your bed and struggling so hard to get up on your own, that I literally begged and fought with you, so you would tell me what was going on. You were suffering from a stage 4 lung cancer.
You had me sit down next to your hospital bed, listening to your story. You told me how your father was an avid smoker and he would smoke ever since you were just a baby. You told me how your mother was no better, that she didn't care about you like a child. You were practically living alone in your small apartment despite having your parents there with you. You had a really bitter smile on your face while telling me everything about yourself. I knew you were trying so hard to keep yourself from crying the moment you mentioned about your dog, and I knew that you didn't want me to see you cry. But it's alright, Taeyong. You were beautiful when you smile, when you cry and even when you were mad. But I'm sorry, I'm so, so, sorry that I never knew all of these. I'm sorry that I couldn't help you, and I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when I thought I was. I thought you were a perfect angel that had nothing to worry about, but you were still a human after all, and I'm sorry for not realizing that.
I remembered the times when you would get random asthma attacks and coughing fit. I remembered that you told me the must have item in your bag was an inhaler and I remembered you saying that you couldn't do sports even though I wanted to play soccer with you. I insisted on you playing with me one time which caused you to have an asthma attack and you would laugh it off after breathing back normally. I thought it was a normal asthma disease, you thought of that too. But you told me that it got worst and when you came back home to an empty apartment and a letter from your parents that was left on the dining table, you were too shocked that your asthma attacked you that instant. You skipped school to go to the hospital and get yourself properly checked. You denied the truth and insisted on continuing your life as usual. You hated yourself, you told me, and I'm sorry that you felt that way.
Time was running out for me, but time stopped for you. I was sorry, and I still am sorry. I'm sorry for leaving you that day, for agreeing with my mom that I would help her out with her stupid grocery shopping. I'm sorry that I didn't hear your silent calls and cries. I'm really sorry, and I will never forgive myself for whatever happened during that day. The day that you left.
I came back to an empty room, to a clean bed and changed bedsheets. I came back to silence, and to nothingness. My head went blank and I remembered my legs giving out, my whole body shaking and my ears ringing. I heard people calling out my name and felt numb afterwards. If only I had come sooner. If only I didn't leave. If only I stayed. If only I appreciated time more. If only I had the power to reverse time. If only you were still there. If only, if only I didn't know you and wouldn't go through this pain. If only God fulfilled my wish to bring you back, to remove your pain. If only.
The nurses had told me how you waited for me to come back. They told me that you were tired of waiting and you wanted to rest. You were crying and they told me how your silent cries triggered you to cough violently with blood coming out of your mouth. They tried to save you, they gave you an oxygen mask to breathe, but God loves you more. God loves you more and He wanted you to rest. He thought it was enough for you to suffer here in this world and He granted what was left for you. You were given a new life, up there with your guardian angel, and I've never stopped praying for your happiness.
Holding your journal, the only thing that you left which is full of memories and stories, there I am, sitting alone on my study chair. You were hiding the journal from me and you told one of the nurses to give it to me only a week after you passed. Now it has been 3 months after that day and, only now that I have the courage to finally read it. Your passing, gave a huge, very huge, toll on me and I have never been the same ever since. I raged, I cried, I blamed myself, I almost followed you to go up there. But I realized that you would never wanted me to do any of those. With the thoughts of you in my mind, I slowly changed, tried to change and still trying. I want you to be proud of me and I want you to see me as a better person from up there. So here I am, your journal in my hands, and I'm ready to face you again.
Page after page, your stories were crafted onto the papers of the plain, peach covered journal. The things that happened to you through the days were written down neatly although your handwriting is almost illegible. Your happiness, your sadness, your pain, everything is in there. I remember experiencing through most of your memories that were written down and to not much of a surprise, you mentioned me a lot in these pages. It's cute. As I slowly reached the last page, your entries were getting sad and painful to read. As cliche as it sounds, I can't imagine how much pain that you had to go through and I can only wish that I could have shouldered some of it. I'm still feeling sorry, up to this day, that I didn't notice your pain sooner and I wasn't there with you on that day.
To Nakamoto Yuta,
The moment you read this, I'm probably already burried 6 feet underground. How should I start this? I've never written a goodbye letter you know? Haha. Well, Yuta, you've been a really great friend for me. Probably the best one I've ever had and I'm sorry for causing you all the troubles. I'm sorry for keeping everything from you and I'm sorry if I made you cry after leaving. I'm sorry that I left you alone like this and I'm sorry that I dragged you into that pitiful life of mine. I thought, admitting myself to the hospital without contacting you would keep you away from me. I didn't want for you to know anything that happened to me but I guess, God really didn't want me to die alone huh? He hates me haha.
Yuta, do you know how happy I was when you were around? Do you know how happy I was when you agreed to be friends with me? Do you know just, how much happiness you brought to me? You may thought that I was a sunshine but, have you ever thought what made me shine so brightly? It was you, Yuta.
Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for not rejecting me when I was being persistent to you. Thank you for not pushing me away. Thank you for staying with me. And most of all, thank you for treating me like a human, Yuta. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have stayed longer in this world. God let me meet you, befriend you, and He made you stay with me even when I didn't ask for it. Thank you, Yuta.
Yuta, there are still so many things that I want to do with you, that I want to experience together with you, that I want to go through with you. There are places that I want to be with you and there are foods that I want to have with you. But sadly, I can't do all those now that I'm here. I'm sorry.
Dear Yuta, please don't be shocked but, I love you, I have feelings for you. This is my confession. I really do love you and I'm sorry for not telling you sooner. And I'm sorry that I can't be there to tell you face to face, with my own voice and with my physical self being there in front of you. Through the days and nights that you were there with me, I realized you were much more than a friend to me. But of course, I wouldn't want to hold you back. I want you to find an eternal happiness, someone who isn't me, someone who could give you the love that you need and someone who could be there with you. I'm sorry for only telling you now, but I hope this confession of mine won't hold you back.
Please, please find happiness, Yuta. I love you very dearly and I want you to move on. I know how much you care for me and how much you adore me as a friend, I could see it. But I want you to be happy without me, to find love or at least, something that could make you happy. I would be watching you from above, Yuta, and I would very much love it if you would someday, stop crying about me and stop grieving for me.
You, Nakamoto Yuta. You were once my happiness. You were once the light of my life, and the reason why I stayed. You were once my sunshine, and you were once my rainbow. Thank you, for teaching me about love, Yuta. I love you, so much. I won't say goodbye since we will be meeting in our next life someday. So, till then.
Lee Taeyong.
You, Lee Taeyong. You were a bright kid. Someone who I only wished I could be. You came into my life like a storm, and vanished from my life like a calm winter breeze. You showed me so many things in your beautiful but yet, scarred life. I wasn't who am I now before I met you, and if I had to go through this pain again just to have you by my side again in our next life, I would happily go through it. You taught me so many things that you could ever imagine, Taeyong. You changed me to the better and you gave me a reason to continue on with my life that was once meant nothing more than the life of an empty carton of milk. You left me with your love, wishing for only good things to happen to me, and I will never forgive myself if I were to go astray.
You, Lee Taeyong. As much as I'm sorry for the many things that I did when you were still around, and as much as I wished for you to still be here with me, I wouldn't want you to be sad up there. I love you too, you know? Probably more than you do to me. In our next life, I hope we would meet in a better circumstances. I hope we would grow up together and be together for a lifetime. I hope we would be bestfriends, enemies and lovers at the same time so our lives would be filled with colourful days. I hope someday, in our next life, I would be able to hold you in my arms and tell you how much you mean to me and what have you showed me in this life.