Chapter Text
Rick Sanchez was testing his new time travel gear. He appeared in a dense, humid forest. He pulled a small black box out of his pocket. "Computer," he asked. "Where and when?"
"India, third century B.C.E." the computer replied.
"Can't you just say B.C., you pr-pretentious twat?"
"It seems arrogant to be arguing the difference between 'before Christ' and 'before Christian era' when you actually are before Christian era."
"Shove it, computer! What the fuck am I doing here (urp)?"
"Beats me. Why don't you ask that guy over there?" Rick turned and saw a youngish looking man in saffron robes sitting cross-legged, back against the largest tree in the forest. His eyes were closed. Rick approached.
"You must tempt me." The man said, without opening his eyes.
"What the fuck?" Rick answered.
"You must tempt me three times. Trust me on this." The man said, eyes still closed.
"Tempt you, huh? Fuck it, I'll play along." Rick pulled a flask from his pocket and took a drink. "Want a (braaap) drink? I've got a blonde thirteen year old daughter at home, she'd probably like to lose it to a pretty man like you. You are pretty, m-maybe you and I could..."
"Kama. That's one. No, I'm familiar with the pleasures of the flesh, I'm looking for something more."
"Why, you arrogant son of a bitch! Fuck you! I'll KILL you!" Rick grabbed the youth and held a knife to his throat. He didn't even open his eyes.
"Mara. That's two. No, death comes to all men. Learning that set me on this path. I don't fear death."
Rick took in the richness of his robes. He put the knife away. "Are you a prince or something? Don't you have better things to do than lean against a tree and b-bandy philosophy with strangers?"
"Dharma. That's three. No, I believe my duty lies here." He touched four fingers of his hand to the ground and the earth shook. The sky clouded over and a single shaft of sunlight illuminated the youth. He opened his eyes and opened his eyes again. He stood and took eight steps. "That did the trick! I see it all now! Thank you, Rick Sanchez!"
"How the fuck do you know my name? I'm not even born yet!" Rick said.
"You know what a nexis is?"
"Sure. A wrinkle in Space-Time. Exists in all (erp) dimensions at once."
"I've got one in my brain. I can see EVERYTHING!" The man said.
"That must be... nice?" Rick was unsure. He HATED being unsure.
"It's a pain in the ass! Didn't figure it out 'til right now. Hey, if you were dying, and you had a choice, where would you spend the last hours of your life? Teaching some king or a party at the best known house of ill repute?"
"Me, personally? Whores, drinks and blow all the way!"
"You and me both, brother! Listen, you have to visit the Rabbi and the Prophet. It's necessary."
"Riiiight. How do I find these people?"
"Same way you found me. Your little doo-hickey there will take you right to them."
"Riiiight. Ok, than." Rick twiddled a dial and disappeared.
Siddhartha Gautama, the enlightened one dusted himself off and went to start his life's work. This was going to be FUN!