Work Text:
Facebook is becoming quite a bore, I thought, as I scrolled down through the posts of family members, acquaintances who friend me just to increase the follower count, and don’t forget the ones who send the game requests.
I’m sorry Julie, you *were* my favorite cousin when we were 7, but I really don’t care that you went to the gym today.
And *all* of these posts from Aunt Carol who is so religious that she has a bowl of holy water by her front door. Yes Aunt Carol, I will take off my shoes AND bless myself so I don’t burn your house down with my demon mind.
All I really wanted to do was look up Margot Robbie. She had a bunch of fan blogs dedicated to her so I pulled one up. When I saw her in Suicide Squad, I was hooked. What an amazing actress! And a hottie as well!
There were so many comments about her this past weekend at TIFF and someone mentioned Tumblr was a better site to go on. “Fb is like sitting at the kiddie table, Tumblr is pretty raunchy.” Well, that’s my kinda crowd. Off to Tumblr I go…
Damn!! This is soooo much better than Facebook! No pics of my friend at Chili’s with her food, no crap from people I don’t even like. I found pics of Margot really quick after typing in her name, then…HOLY FUCKIN CHRIST! WHO IS THAT GOD?!! My hands were shaking. Her co-star…Sebastian Stan.
I tried focusing on Margot. She looked so beautiful, but then damnit, he’s in another picture with her, then interviews…more pictures. He’s frickin everywhere. DUDE!!
Margot must really like him. She really wanted him for the part. Awww, he’s embarrassed! And look how cute he is when he blushes!! That’s adorable! Hmm… I wonder if they’re dating. He is kinda hot. But some girls are calling him a dork. OK, ummm, WHY?! This guy is hot!! I decided to look him up.
Little did I know that my life would be ruined forever from this point on. And if I *did* know, I would pause while I still had my sanity and tell my friends and (the sane ones of) my family how much I love them and I’m sorry for anything I may inflict on them. It’s not my fault, it’s just that my brain has malfunctioned and Sebastian Stan is all that I know.
I typed in his name and a smoldering, sexy man was looking back at me. Slowly I scrolled, my eyes as big as half dollars, to see pictures of him in brown leather; black leather; a questionable polka dotted shirt, which I really don’t care at this point; and, I inhaled sharply. His smile! HOLY FUCK!! Over the shoulder? Is he a model too?!!
Oh well there's my answer...pictures flooded the screen of photoshoots from Hugo Boss, GQ, and a few others. I hadn't realized that my mouth dropped open until I felt the inside getting dry.
I fell back on the couch, my heart was racing. Oh God! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!! I was hooked! For the next hour, I scrolled down until I actually made a noise that I couldn’t even explain. A video of him working out!! “HE’S GOT THAT UNDER HIS SHIRT??!!”
I had to run to the bathroom and splash water on my face. Looking in the mirror, I shook my head. “You are sooooo fucked.” After I dried my face , I mumbled, “You wish.”
But why are people calling him a dork for heaven’s sake? So I typed in Sebastian Stan dork. The more I scrolled, the more I understood. He’s hilarious and weird and…why is he at the gym holding a plant instead of a cup of water? And how in the he’ll did he make out with Jimmy Fallon??!!!
Well YouTube cleared that up…and it was pretty disgusting. And he does like to be silly. Wow! Sebastian Stan is sexy, funny, and HOLY shit is he fuckin built!!!
TWO DAYS LATER
“VISINE!!” I cried to the Walgreens cashier. “WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR VISINE??!!”