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The only thing which makes pain is similar with truth are they both comes like a pang. They're sharp, cold, and never come in the gentlest way.
And the ache on his heart is lasting; from the moment Jaemin first heard about the news, up until the second he stepped his feet in front of the door. He twists the doorknob as regrets and guilt are building up on the bottom of his stomach. And Jaemin had to claim it and accept it. Because the other person needs him. He needs him.
This moment, you don't want to believe on how much Jaemin wants to blame God and mostly himself, once he puts off his shoes and starts walking inside the dimmed apartment. His eyes are twitching, trying to make figures in the darkness accompanied by the dim light from the moon that shines through the veranda.
If Jaemin have to define mess, he could've just take a quick photo of this apartment and use it for explanations on his presentation. Books, papers, and clothes are all over the floor along with other things like food wrappers and bandages. The air gives a faint mixture stink of dried rotten food and damp cloth to his nose. The succulents which are placed as the decoration near the veranda are dried and died; and Jaemin doesn't want to wonder on how the person who owns this apartment live himself up until now. Jaemin doesn't want to know nor imagine the things he might've gone through when Jaemin wasn't there.
Jaemin looks around the room, just to finally find someone, sleeping so soundly in such uncomfortable position on the sofa. His breath hitched as he starts to recognize the man that is laying on the sofa.
It was Jeno.
After all these years, Jeno still manages to look this good.
So Jaemin tiptoed his way to the sofa; trying not to step on anything but the floor and proceeds to sit right beside the sofa, to adore the perfections at his eye level as his brown eyes trails from the other person's jet black hair to his long eyelashes. Adoring the tip of his nose, the edge of his lips, down to his sharp jaw and few stubble the other man forgot to shave. Jaemin’s eyes moved, from the Jeno’s face to his breathing pattern; watching in how his chest fall and rise in regular pattern.
Jeno sleeps so peacefully, way too contrast with the mess of this apartment holds.
Jeno wears his sky blue sweatshirts and black sweatpants to sleep, which makes the brown haired man irks; Jeno never wears sweatshirt, not in this hot summer nights for the Jeno he knows prefers to wear sleeveless shirt to sleep or sometimes only in his sweatpants. Jaemin holds his breath and let his fingers went up to Jeno’s sleeves, pulling it up a bit and showing the bandages underneath the sleeve. The sight itself makes Jaemin wants to cry for only God knows what Jeno might hid under those bandages and what he might hides more under his clothes.
So he puts his fingers gently over Jeno's bruised knuckles and squeezes it a bit. The little shift of weight on the sofa and a brisk of pain might be the reason why the older scrunched his nose. His breathe pattern changes and warmth start to rise and color his pale face with a hint of rosy color. Jaemin holds his hand tighter as the other man's eyes start to flutter open. Jeno leaves out a grunt before he blinks repeatedly and properly opens his eyes to look at the other man who sits on his floor.
Jaemin wants to cry right now, as guilt washes him like a brash wave and drowns him down when his eyes meet the other's dark brown orbs. The shines he used to admire years ago aren't rest inside those eyes anymore. Those dark brown eyes are dark and dull; empty and lifeless like a doll’s glassy eyes.
And that's when tears start rolling down his face as his hand goes to cup the older's face and shut the distance between them.
Jeno blinks once, when the brown haired man finally presses his lips against his, nibbled his lower lip with his teeth before pressing another soft and gentle kiss to his lips. Jeno keeps his eyes open, as he watches tears streaming along the younger's cheeks, feeling the tears starts to burn in his face and make the kiss tastes somewhat like a mixture of coffee and tears.
Jeno doesn't know, if it is longing and missing, or hunger and desperation that he feels through the kiss. As the younger man pulls back from the kiss and look at him with tear stained face and broken smile, Jeno doesn't know how to feel.
He's been numb for way too long he doesn't recognize anything anymore.
"Hey" says the brown haired man with a cracking voice "Sorry to wake you up"
Jeno nods a bit, before he sits properly in the sofa and stretched his neck a little bit. His body is aching, but he doesn't care. He really doesn't care at all.
The brown haired man starts to move himself and proceed to sit beside Jeno. Jeno watches him carefully, as the other man starts to hold his hands and pulls his sleeves up, showing the blood stained bandages underneath. Jaemin carefully opens the bandages and unravels Jeno's pale skin that is decorated with a set old cuts overlapping with fresh new ones. Dried blood smears and signs of infections on some new cuts. Jaemin is trembling at the sight, Just how much he had gone through and how much i didn't know.
Jaemin bits his mouth's inside, thoughts are running inside his head. If only i didn't leave. If only i choose to stay here. If only i was here when the incidents happens . He tries hard not to cry, not in front of Jeno as he raises his face to meet the older's eyes. His voice turns shaky "We have to heal this, okay?"
Jaemin hates it. Hates that he had to learn the news from Jaehyun during their casual kkt chitchat. Hates that he's being left out of the loop and learn that nobody even try to tell him about the news, about what happens to Jeno while he's gone and leaving to study on another country.
And he hates himself for not trying to reach out. He hates himself for thinking it was all fine while he was gone. He hates himself for doing nothing and have no controls over it.
He wants to blame God, and mostly himself. For why all of these had to happens. He wants to blame someone, but he doesn't know who to blame.
Jeno is beautiful, whether he's under the sun or under the moonlight. He's always been beautiful and he's one of many things Jaemin ever adores in his life. Jaemin gently holds his hands and rub a comforting circle over his palms, adoring his feature for God knows how long. It's been years and Jaemin miss him so much. He misses his laugh, his smile, his cute pouts when he begs Jaemin to cook for him, his annoying expression when he succeeded to annoy Jaemin and the looks he gives when he pays attention closely. But this Jeno is different from the Jeno he knew years ago. His feature were matured. His figure might be slouching but nevertheless he's way taller and broody than the last time Jaemin seen him. His face features were sharper because he lost some weight, but the softness that rests in his eyes stays.
Jeno's expression is unreadable and Jaemin feels like gambling on one million lottery as he waits for the latter's response.
"Who are you?"
Depression could mess up one's head really bad . Jaemin remembers when Doyoung gave him a heads up about it; warns him that Jeno keeps forgetting who Doyoung is even though the man comes daily to give breakfast, check on his conditions and sometimes cleaning the apartment together with Taeyong. Sometimes Jeno forgot himself, forgot everyone else and his own identity then proceed to live like a hollow through the day. Sometimes Jeno remembers everything; and the pain comes like a bullet train, he lost control and breaks things, he hurts himself in process and cries his heart out until he's tired and fall asleep. He's coping with cuts over cuts and bruising his body to shut the pain even though Doyoung and Taeyong had taken all the knives, sharp things and anythings harmful from Jeno's apartment, but the latter uses his nails to scratch the old cuts and make new one.
Jeno is broken, and maybe it's already way too late to fix him, but Jaemin have a high hope. He won't give up; not this time. So he takes a deep breathe and stares deeply to the older's eyes. He'll give it a try.
"Your name is Lee Jeno, 23 years old" explains Jaemin "You were born on Spring, 23rd April 2000. You loves savory food and making things with your hand. You're a diligent person, bright personality and extraordinary smart, but also dumb at the same time. Your jokes are lame but you can be extremely funny when you're not intended to. You always put people first and yourself last; which i think was lame but i do the same though"
Jaemin takes another breath and watch Jeno closely. Jeno doesn't do anything; if anything, he just blinks and his expression was nothing but unfazed. But the black haired man lets Jaemin play with his fingers, which Jaemin took as a good sign.
So Jaemin erases his tears and start giving the biggest smile he had. To show a strength, no matter how ruined he is. To be his strength, through the hard times and the good. To show him hopes because he deserves the world more than anything.
"I'm Na Jaemin, 22 years old, will be 23 this August though, so you better prepare me a good present when the time comes" he says teasingly with a smile "I love sweet things and drink extra bitter coffee. I love plushies and babying my juniors as if they're 7 years old. I like white color and i don't believe in ghost; ghosts are just bad coincidences. I like warm things and technology, but also i can cook great foods and i can make sure you'll love my cookings"
There's still no significant response from the older. So Jaemin hums and bring both of Jeno's hands and stick it on his cheeks; feeling the coldness on the tips of Jeno's fingers slowly diluting with the warmth from his face as Jeno watches him closely. His eyes widens in awe before he blinks a little bit faster this time; typical Jeno's unconscious habits when he's learning something. He learns about Jaemin and that's good enough for now. Jaemin pulls his lips into a smile as he watches Jeno's confused look changes into a softer expression. He gives a light tap to Jeno's palm before squeezing it softly. Jeno smells like sweat, irons, and disinfectant alcohols. And Jaemin have high hopes, and he prays that the universe will make it works.
"Hello Lee Jeno. I'm Na Jaemin" says the younger with pride and strength on his tone "And starting from today, i'll be taking care of you"