Work Text:
Cover Illustration: “ NiN10doh - The Four Swords? ” by StaticBlu
“It is something that grows over time… a true friendship. A feeling in the heart that becomes even stronger through time… The passion of friendship will soon blossom into a righteous power and through it, you'll know which way to go…”
— Princess Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (1998)
Pre-Mission
In E.V.L.’s dream, she was reliving the time when she’d disguised herself as Princess Zelda and taken to ruling Hyrule with an iron fist. That had been her first foray into the multiverse and, for that matter, her first ever fanfic.
She was currently seated on her throne at Hyrule Castle, with a certain blond Hylian at her feet. She gazed down at him with a warm yet sinister smile. The Words seemed to spin their dreadful soliloquy in her mind as though this day had been today.
“You will serve me,” Zelda purred, her voice flowing like poisoned honey. “We will rule this kingdom together, and so will our children and their children after that. And when that day comes, all the lands will be under our feet.”
As if to affirm this, she pulled off one of her boots, setting it aside before sticking her toes right under Link’s chin. He trembled at her newfound power, blushing from ear to ear.
“Be grateful that I am not Dark Zelda,” she said, before adding, Not yet, anyway in her head. “You need me to survive in these troubled times. Prove to me that you will be my guardian… my hero.”
E.V.L. chuckled darkly, moving her toes so they were right under his lips, daring him to suck on them, to grovel to her strength, to give up his free will and devote himself to her.
She was surprised to see that he did just that. But she saw the look on his face as he suckled her digits, a countenance of agony. Perhaps he was giving up himself? She couldn’t tell.
And for that matter, she didn’t care. He was exactly where she wanted him, and that was all that mattered.
The dream then changed. The royal ball, the one which would soon be crashed by Ganondorf and his forces, was fast approaching. But Link was nowhere to be seen. Did her dominance really scare him that much?
Several guards arrived at the throne room the night before the fateful ball. She was growing more and more agitated, and they could clearly see that she was losing her composure.
Nonetheless, she tried to sound calm. They discussed the state of the kingdom, the possibility that the dark forces may come for her tomorrow, and that she may have to prepare a defense of her own. Then she suggested that like in so many lives past, Link would come to save her.
“I apologize, your Majesty, but Link specifically stated that is unable to come to the ball tonight.”
Zelda promptly lost her head, which rolled about in her sudden rage. “Why?!? That’s only an excuse for all I care, and I certainly won’t let him run off on his own when I have—”
Agent von Lilith? Agent von Lilith?!
Oh, for Farore’s sake, E.V.L. thought as her eyes popped open. I was just getting to the part where I beat that guard to a pulp…
She turned her head towards the ring of blue light and, in her typical demonic fashion, let out an otherworldly hiss and bared her fangs at the intruder. “What now?!”
It was a security dandelion who had opened the portal into her extradimensional containment cell; the plant recoiled at her scowl, but remained standing.
Agent von Lilith, calm down. Please. I’m here to escort you to the Sunflower Official’s office.
That caught E.V.L. off guard. “Why? I’m not in trouble, aren’t I? I haven’t done anything dangerous for a while now.”
Which is why the Sunflower Official wants a word with you. Come.
E.V.L. ordered her mini-Missingno and mini-creeper to stay, and pausing only to wrap her Thneed around her neck seam, she stepped through the portal and followed the dandelion, saying nothing as they made their way to the office.
As she walked, she replayed the dream in her head to keep herself distracted. The fic had been a reimagining of Twilight Princess, with Princess Zelda as the protagonist rather than Link. Except for one problem: a dark spirit dwelled in her heart, one that gave her a hunger for power and glory, one that could make her bring the mightiest of warriors to their knees with a single deadly glare…
She was just about to relive what had happened at the ball when the dandelion announced that they had arrived at the office. She followed the weed inside almost as soon as the Sunflower had allowed them to enter.
“Alright, boss. What are you going to chew me out for this time?”
The Sunflower gave her the best approximation of a disapproving look. No, I am not going to “chew you out”. Your partner has a… proposal for you.
E.V.L. raised an eyebrow. “A proposal?”
The Sunflower looked clearly uncomfortable. He is occupied with other matters at this time, but in any case, he wanted to know how well you’d be able to handle yourself without his supervision.
She tilted her head. “Does he really think that low of me?”
On the contrary. From what he’s told me, I have a feeling he trusts you a lot more than when you two started out.
“How do you know that?”
I received word a while ago that he, along with one Agent Lazuli, told you of what happened to Agent Abbey. Does that answer your question?
Her eyes widened. “I made a good guess of it prior to that, actually. But how did you know?”
How did you think? The Flowers, including and especially myself, were the ones who had to handle the fallout from that debacle of a mission in the first place. If the truth of what happened became known to the public, the panic and distrust it would cause would lead to disaster for everyone. I figured you were bound to learn of this matter sooner or later, but I have to hand it to you: If you’re willing to treat the incident with as much respect as any other confidant of Agent Blitzkrieg would, I suppose you aren’t as hopeless as I initially feared.
“Thank you, sir.” Her voice sounded much smaller than it normally did.
That said, I must warn you that the information your partner and his best friend have bestowed upon you is both strictly confidential and extremely dangerous. You are not to speak even a word of this incident to or around anyone except those who already know of what happened. Any breach of this stipulation will result in immediate termination of your employment at the minimum , as well as potential liability for treason and possibly instigating a socio-economic cataclysm within our very headquarters.
E.V.L. shuddered slightly, but gave the Sunflower a calm look. “The Narrative Laws have shat on Rayner’s existence for far too long, and I won’t give them any more excuses to do so. My lips are sealed, sir.”
Good. Now, let us never speak of this incident again, and move on to the… proposal. The Sunflower turned to the dandelion guards and asked, Could you bring in Agent Backslash, please?
E.V.L. turned towards the door just as two of the dandelions exited through it. She turned back to the Sunflower. “Backslash? So, I’m working with a programming symbol?”
Not exactly. I believe you’ll find him a bit sharp, however.
“So, he’s a weapon? I’m guessing a sword of some kind, Soul Eater style.”
Sword, yes. Soul Eater, no. Ah, here he is.
E.V.L. turned around. The dandelions had brought in a blond teenager, about her age but shorter with stunning purple eyes; he was dressed only in swimming trunks, boat shoes, and a red and purple scarf, the skimpy attire accentuating both his toned physique and the third eye on his chest.
Backslash blinked at E.V.L. and the Sunflower, looking a little uneasy. “Um… Hello?”
Fancy to see you here, Agent Backslash, the Sunflower replied. I noticed you placed a request a little while ago regarding some assistance with a badfic taking place in The Legend of Zelda , and at the behest of one of my assassins, I have provided it for you — along with a special assignment.
“I assume this is the help I asked for?” asked Backslash, raising an eyebrow. “What am I supposed to do for this assignment, then? Take her out for a night on the town?”
You are to venture into the badfic you received with Agent von Lilith here, replied the Sunflower, ignoring the little quip . I expect you two to behave yourselves , particularly given that your histories have both been questionable at best. I expect you to bring Agent von Lilith back to my office immediately after you finish the mission, and to send the mission report by the end of today. Do not try anything reckless, both of you. I know you tried invading this continuum once, Agent von Lilith, and if I hear of you trying it again, you will be answering to me in person. Am I clear on this matter?
She aimed a glare at the SO. “Transparently.”
And one more thing, for Agent Backslash specifically. The SO turned to face him. Do not think your conduct towards Agent Lazuli has gone unnoticed after all this time. The Kudzu and the Lichen both reported your bigoted speech near the end of last summer to me months ago. I will let you off with a warning this time, seeing as you know better now, but should you disrespect Agent von Lilith in a similar manner to that incident, I will be the first to know. Understood?
“But that was last year! A-and I didn’t mean to—”
Understood?
The Homs gulped and nodded shakily. E.V.L.’s expression of horrified shock quickly turned into a murderous fanged snarl.
Good. Now, leave my office immediately, and don’t come back until you’re done. I’ll be waiting for your results, and for Agent von Lilith.
The agents made themselves scarce without hesitation.
**********
Fifteen minutes later, E.V.L. stepped into Backslash’s RC, ducking and narrowly avoiding the mini-Mechon, Fira, whizzing over her head. She slammed the door shut with a sweep of her tail before giving him an infuriated glare. “So, it’s true? You were the one who insulted Lapis a while ago?”
Backslash whirled to face her. “Um, no?”
“Say what you wish, but it won’t help your case. I have never heard such a tactless sentiment as ‘Oh noes, Lapis can’t function effectively as an agent because she’s lost an arm’.”
Backslash began to panic. “I-I didn’t mean that! I was scared for her life because she got disarmed, literally, by a God-Mode Stu! Who knows what else could be—”
“I’ve spoken to Lapis personally, and she can’t care less what happens to her as long as she keeps fighting for the cause of the PPC. And anyway…”
There was a demonic hiss followed by a squelching pop, and Backslash screamed. E.V.L. had taken her head off with two summoned shadowy claws.
“I can’t keep my head on my shoulders for longer than an hour on a good day, and I get by just fine, thank you,” she finished.
“P-PUT IT BACK! PUT IT BAAAAACK!”
“What, scared of what happens when the Word World takes an expression too literally?”
“N-no, I’m not! Just… You’re creeping me out, okay? I’m sorry I said what I did! I’ll shut up if you just p-put that thing back on!”
E.V.L. reattached her head, looking as incensed as ever. “It’s not me you should apologize to, Backslash. As soon as you’re done with the Sunflower, you need to find Lapis, immediately. If you must deliver all of your Dante-esque sonnets of remorse, deliver them to her .”
He shuddered at the thought, before scratching his chin in his usual fashion. “I was going to talk to her today, but I was told she was hanging out with some of her friends somewhere. I don’t know if she’s avoiding me or if I just have awful timing.”
“Probably both. Now, go get our gear. Looks like we’re sightseeing in Hyrule.”
Backslash gave her a final scowl, but then trudged over to the closet anyway, before opening the door… and promptly getting buried in a huge pile of potions, bottles, bombs, Pegasus Boots, Hookshots, Clawshots, and much more.
“Well, I’ve got a lot of gear, if this counts as such,” he said once he’d managed to dig himself out of the pile. “I’m not as familiar with Zelda as I’d like to be, so really, I’m leaving this up to you for the most part.”
E.V.L. raised an eyebrow before sitting in the chair in front of the console. “You’re in the DMS-VG division, and you’re not familiar with the Zelda series?”
Backslash looked nervous again. “Well, I know of the Links in Smash Bros., and we’ve gotten missions into that continuum before, but my partner knows Zelda better. She’s busy elsewhere, though, which is why I sent out the help request earlier.”
“Huh. Well, seems about right. From what I heard, I take it you were a Shulk replacement?”
“The main guy from Xenoblade Chronicles, yeah. Also a Honedge from Pokémon, courtesy of a pretty weird Smash Bros. AU. And you are…?”
“Oh, well, I do apologize for not introducing myself more clearly earlier, hostilities aside. I’m Evangeline von Lilith, and I’m a former Ficubus incognito from somewhere in the ninth circle of Hell. If you can consider Dante’s Divine Comedy a continuum, that would be where I come from, though I did invade quite a few others before I got sent here.”
Backslash hmm’d. “The Divine Comedy … I’ve heard of that before, but I don’t know what game. Anyway, that’s not important. We need to kill this badfic ASAP. Disguises?”
“Stalfos, definitely. You’re a dead man, I’m a demon, it just fits.”
Backslash gave her a puzzled and slightly annoyed look. “Since when did you equate Ghost-types with dead people? Well, Honedge is a departed spirit inhabiting a sword, but…”
E.V.L. giggled in a rather suggestive manner, forgetting her anger at him for the moment. “Well, for a zombie sword, you actually look pretty dashing. Just saying.”
“Eww. That’s just sick. And uncalled for.”
“Hey, I’m not a necrophiliac. I’m just mean.”
“Ugh, Stalfos it is, then. It’s not like we can be what, elves or something?”
“Hylians, Backslash. And I agree, Hylians wouldn’t be the best idea in a monster-infested landscape.”
“What game is this, anyway?”
E.V.L. turned and checked the report. “Four Swords Adventures, I believe. Based on the summary, it’s VioxOC and BluexOC, so that gives us two Suvians to deal with. Now, shall we get going?”
“Just one thing. Why do pairings like those described in fanfic summaries always have to be formatted like this? It looks so ugly and confusing. And who are Vio and Blue, anyway?”
“There are three copies of Link appearing in this game: Red Link, Blue Link, and Violet Link,” explained E.V.L. “I’ll explain more when we enter the fic proper.”
Backslash nodded, having picked up the needed gear (including his Monado replica) while listening to her talking . “At least only two Links have been paired up with these Sues,” he said. “I take it that four at once would be even less fun?”
E.V.L. ignored his comment and opened up the portal. “As long as we don’t encounter any minis from this continuum, I’m willing to take on anything," she said, knocking twice on the tabletop.
He started giggling. “Imagine that. Evangeline von Lilith, Princess of Hell, afraid of minis?”
“I hate you already.”
“You’re welcome!”
With that, the two of them stepped through the portal and into the badfic…
********************
Act One
A/N: Hello again! Wow! I'm writing so much today! Anyways, this story is a collaboration with Shadow Kurochi! She's doing the odd numbered chapters and I'm doing the even numbered chapters! She owns her OC, Soul, and I own my OC, Skye!
Disclaimer: Shadow and I don't own the Legend of Zelda! It belongs to Nintendo!
Soul's POV
The agents found themselves outside of a random house, and quickly realized that hiding in some convenient bushes was not a bad idea right now. The fact that they were animated skeletons may have had something to do with that.
E.V.L. was listening to two female voices coming from inside the house, but her concentration was ruined when the shorter Stalfos next to her, who now had a massive scimitar stuck to his back instead of the Monado, began humming some kind of theme song she didn’t recognize(1).
The volume of his humming was steadily growing louder when E.V.L. glared at him and strummed her bony fingers down her ribs, the rattling noise startling him.
“Backslash? Knock it off.”
“What? I thought it was appropriate!”
“No. It’s not.”
The two of them strained… well, whatever Stalfos have in place of ears, and realized that the two characters, Soul and Skye, were discussing their progress into the Legend of Zelda manga. Their concentration was ruined a second time, however, when a massive creature with pink, sparkly fur trotted up to them and let out a loud SNRF.
Backslash yelped and huddled close to the other agent. “What is that?!”
E.V.L. facepalmed. “That’s a POV. Soul's POV, specifically. We have to send it away before it causes any trouble. And probably skip to the next chapter while we’re at it, since this one’s fairly insignificant.”
He gave her a skeptical look. “Well, I beg to differ. If anything, we now have an idea of where these Sues are from!” He shook his bony head with a sigh. “They’re gonna get sucked into the game world, aren’t they?”
“Unless they break their heads on the monitor trying to jump in. Now that I’d like to see.”
“We’ll have to jump into the second chapter to find out whether they do. Though I rather doubt it — this fic is twenty-eight chapters long, though if it helps you any, most of the chapters are actually quite short.”
E.V.L. grimaced, pulling out her notebook and pen. “Some comfort you are.”
They made their way into Chapter 2, where they were greeted by a second glittery POV, Sky's POV , and a mini-Sue, Sky's — the latter of which E.V.L. picked up and decapitated with one bite, before slurping down its glitter like a miniature gashadokuro .
But before the agents could comment on the new arrival, the two girls discovered a round piece of black obsidian with purple eyes decorated on it. And then, somehow, Vaati appeared behind them.
The agents stared in horror as Vaati transformed into his human form, grabbed the two girls by their hair, and dragged them through a lavender portal.
A few moments later, the scene jolted around the agents, depositing them in a random forest. Another scene shift took them to a nighttime setting, just as the two Sues woke up close to a fire with four pointy-eared boys by their side. They quickly hid behind some bushes while Skye had a strange flashback she didn’t recognize.
“The Links have already discovered them,” E.V.L. muttered, discarding the drained and mangled mini-Sue. “Fan- ficken -tastic.”
“Wait, Links ?” asked Backslash. “I thought there was just the one.”
E.V.L. would’ve rolled her eyes if she still had them. “For most of the games there is, yes. But in this instance the game developers thought it would be a fun idea to try a multiplayer game, so they built the story around Link getting palette-swapped clones of himself.”
“Huh. Sounds like an odd move, but whatever.”
“Believe me, it isn’t the worst Link has been through in the—”
“No, I meant the fact that the devs went with copying Link rather than giving him a posse like they did with Shulk…”
E.V.L. made a spitting noise. “Why did you think I tried to make Zelda the heroine and have Link be the one who gets bossed around for once? It just wasn’t fair to do that rather than give the so-called lesser gender some well-deserved attention.”
Backslash cringed. “Didn’t the Sunflower say that you invaded this world once? Is that what you were talking about just now?”
She nodded. “It’s nothing important, though. We need to track these Sues and figure out how to get rid of them. Though I have to give them credit, you’d freak out too if you ended up in some kind of strange land without explanation.”
Backslash looked up at the Words, and regretted that skeletons can’t scowl unless they’re named Papyrus. “How are these clearly human girls able to speak with the Hylians without any trouble? Isn’t there supposed to be some kind of alternate language that everyone speaks in Hyrule?”
E.V.L. let out a small gasp, and then cursed in German. “Credit to them duly retracted.”
“Ouch. So, does this mean you had to work around the language barrier too when you mucked about in Hyrule?”
She glared at him again. “I said that it’s not an important matter right now. Just… Just save your questions for after we kill these Scheissdrecks, okay?”
He opened his mouth to speak, but then he saw the look on her face and closed it.
They portaled their way past the next few Author’s Notes into the start of Chapter 3 (“These chapters could actually stand to be combined into bigger ones,” Backslash noted), and found themselves in the same hiding place as before.
Apparently, Soul, whom E.V.L. had listed in her notebook as “Sue #1”, had gotten into a fistfight with Blue Link, or simply Blue as she called him. She panicked, ran off, and then came back after a brief introspective. Skye, or Sue #2, was waiting for her, but the Links were strangely absent.
"Hey Soul...?" Skye asked suddenly, "Do you ever get the strange feeling whenever you look into one of the Link's eyes?"
My friend looked at me, a look of hope in her eyes. I nodded slowly.
"With who?" she asked, looking outside of the tent to see if any of them were coming.
"Blue" I replied, remembering the look he gave me. It was so deep, and I felt like I knew him somehow.
A stray comma floated by. Backslash resisted the urge to grab it and wedge it into a very uncomfortable place on Sue #1.
“Would giving her memories of already existing in Hyrule constitute a charge?” he asked. “Or having her understand Blue Link on a personal level despite only knowing of him through the Four Swords manga, assuming there is one?”
“There is, and I’ve read all the volumes,” replied E.V.L. “And yes, I’ve already noted both charges.”
“For someone who tried to conquer this place once, you sure know what you’re doing.”
She huffed. “It pays to understand the kingdom you’re subjugating. That way you don’t screw it over once you finish the job of overtaking it.”
Backslash chose to ignore her statement, and checked the Words. “We’re actually flying through this fic, figuratively speaking. We’re near the end of the chapter. Portal?”
E.V.L. complied, taking them past the Author’s Notes and into a dream sequence at the start of Chapter 4. It was indecipherable, but as Sue #2 put it, It wasn't pleasant in the slightest. A girl on a horse was fleeing a burning castle, only for a random monster to attack her. Then a scene shift dumped the agents back at the camp.
“At this rate, we’ll be one big jumble of bones by the end of the mission,” growled Backslash. “And then Medical will have to un-fuse us when we get back.”
“Please don’t push the Ironic Overpower,” E.V.L. replied. “It’s already having enough fun with us as it is.”
Backslash kept his mouth shut, and E.V.L. likewise checked the Words. “Okay, I have to ask… Is running barefoot in the woods even sanitary?” she asked. “This Sue outright stated that she was stepping on rocks and sticks, and that can’t be comfortable. At all.”
“I feel you there,” replied Backslash, his toe bones curling instinctively. “My partner goes barefoot all the time at HQ, and she knows well enough to wear shoes on missions, even if she says that the myth that you can get tetanus from a rusty nail is total hogwash.”
The context of this conversation was, of course, Sue #2 panicking at Blue Link’s angry yelling and running off into the woods. She would later be found by Violet Link, or Vio for short, who started talking with her about the previous events — and completely failed to ask how she even got here in the first place.
We sat in silence, and I liked it that way. For some weird reason, I felt like I've known him all of my life.
"Maybe it's because of reading the manga so often," I thought.
By some miracle, Vio didn’t hear her speaking. The agents heard her clear as day, though, and that speaks volumes when one considers that their disguises didn’t come with usable ears.
After exchanging identically hopeless looks, they wordlessly portaled their way into the next chapter, which began with Vio and Sue #2 returning to camp to find three unhappy Links, plus a very unhappy Sue #1.
"WHY did you do that!?" I yelled tearing up, "BAKA!"
Backslash mimed vomiting, and E.V.L. had to stop herself making the bone-rattling noise again.
“I’m from the Bionis and not World One,” said the male agent, “but I can say that nobody ever used what you call Fangirl Japanese in Colony 9!”
“And that rule certainly wouldn’t be absent in Hyrule, either,” added E.V.L.
"Skye, you okay?" I asked, really concerned. She nodded, then shrugged off all of her stress and tension I knew she had building. The thing I was comfortable with was that she seemed most comfortable around the purple knight.
"Hey are you done yelling at me?" Blue's voice snapped me out of my thoughts.I nodded and went to my little corner away from everyone else. The only person who I really cared about besides Skye... was Blue. I couldn't really explain it. Whenever I was around him, I would feel butterflies in my stomach. Whenever I look at him or someone talks about him, my face flushes. Could this really be a crush? or something more like a...
First love?
The agents facepalmed simultaneously.
“Purple knight? First love?! ” cried Backslash. “Great. Shipping with a canon on the first. Day . Dear Bionis, why is this even happening?”
“I wish I could insult whoever wrote this,” replied E.V.L. “But sadly, that’s against the protocol. And I hate having to follow the protocol.”
“Why? Because you’d rather let your hair flow and ride unicorns shooting arrows into the Hylian sunset?”
“Shut up.”
He nudged her, silently cursing the inability of skeletons to wink. “Hey, I was just asking! I mean, it’s not like they’d allow you to run rampant in these lands now that they’ve got you all tied up and—”
“SHUT. UP.”
********************
Act Two
The agents skipped through a chapter to save time, only noting that the Sues and the Links were heading to the Blue Maiden's village. As the two of them watched, the travellers discovered a field of flowers, and the Sues rolled down the hill, completely ignoring the Links’ protests.
Backslash was tempted to imitate them, but E.V.L. held him back, shaking her head. “Oh, no you don’t.”
“What’s wrong with just enjoying ourselves? It’s not like this fic is going anywhere fast.”
“It is.Look, you said yourself that the chapters aren’t that long, so that means we won’t have much time while the Sues and their ‘friends’ cross half of Hyrule and then some.”
“Yeah, but it’s not like they’re doing very much…”
“Oh, they will. Trust me.”
The scene was followed by the group reaching the village, and meeting a character named Erune. Backslash looked at E.V.L., who sighed after a moment’s deliberation.
“It appears we’re in the manga version of Four Swords Adventures,” she said. “Erune only appears there, albeit for only a few chapters.”
This was followed by yet another flashback sequence on the part of Sue #2, this time to Vio and someone named Ghanti.
“That character’s not from any of the games, is she?” asked Backslash.
“She’s exclusively from the manga,” replied E.V.L. “So this means the Sues have inserted themselves into the Plot of the Four Swords manga—”
“Like it wasn’t obvious already!”
“Shut up. And Ghanti isn’t even from the right manga; she’s from the Link to the Past one. Which is in a different timeline, by the way.”
“Wait, a different timeline? What’s that supposed to mean?!”
E.V.L. facepalmed. “I guess I owe you an explanation,” she said, taking out the RA. “I might as well portal us to the next charge-worthy scene. But as a recent Mario hacker once put it, we first need to talk about parallel universes…”
When I snapped back to reality, that image of Ghanti kissing young Vio was still fresh in my mind. I looked around my room, and spotted a desk with some paper and ink on it. I sat down and started to draw. It took a while, but I was proud of my picture. Those kids made such a cute couple! Then, Vio came into my room holding two glasses of water.
"Hey. I thought you'd be a little thirsty so-" CRASH!
Both glasses shattered on the floor as my purple-clad friend saw my drawing. He carefully picked it up, and examined it with wide eyes. All of a sudden, he drew his sword and aimed it at my throat.
"HOW DO YOU KNOW HER?" he yelled, his face contorted with rage.
“Well, she’s a Sue, duh,” said E.V.L. “Obviously she’d cross one timeline with another…”
Backslash groaned and rubbed his head. “So, what’s this about these, uh, timelines?”
E.V.L. huffed. “I was just about to explain that, so just be patient,” she said. “Anyway, there are three different outcomes that happen sometime in the acclaimed Ocarina of Time game: Link loses to Ganon, Link prevents Ganon from tainting the Sacred Realm, or Link fails to stop Ganon conquering the Sacred Realm but seals him in a magic prison. These three outcomes produce different series of events leading up to the original Legend of Zelda game, Twilight Princess, and Wind Waker, respectively. A Link to the Past, and Ghanti by extension, takes place in the timeline leading up to the original game, while Four Swords Adventures takes place after the events of Twilight Princess.”
Backslash rubbed his chin. “So that means Vio and Ghanti can’t have existed in the same timeline…”
“And therefore, they could never have loved each other,” finished E.V.L.
Backslash moaned and clutched his skull with both hands. “Ugh, now I understand why you’re not happy about this! My head isn’t exactly spinning from the timeline butchery yet, but I’m already starting to feel it…”
He covered his mouth in slight horror, realizing what he’d said. He looked away from his partner, mentally bracing himself for the obvious reply.
“You can feel time distortions?” asked E.V.L.
“That’s more or less what’s happening, yeah. Long story.”
“Then why are you looking at me like I gave you a bouquet made from the finest oak-leaf branches from the Wood of Suicides?” she asked, tilting her head. “My eyes are up here, you know — though if you really want to see the goods, I do have some extra plumbing down there you may be interested in…”
He made a disgusted noise and looked away. “Not. Interested.”
The agents were spared further embarrassment when they heard a loud scream, which turned out to be from Sue #2. Said Sue had black hair and green eyes now, and to Sue #1, she was totally unrecognizable.
“Aaand now we portal,” said Backslash. “Next chapter?”
E.V.L. nodded, and led him through… only to find Erune brainwashing everybody, causing her to grumble something about canons in holes.
That was where it all went downhill.
Before the agents could react to what was happening, “Erune” turned into Shadow Link. E.V.L. decided to use a portal to slip past any chapter or scene transitions to follow; upon landing back on solid ground, the agents saw that Shadow Link had whisked everyone into the Dark Realm. Sue #2, who was separated from everyone else by a peach-colored barrier, tried to find something she could use to give herself and her friends an advantage.
I ran towards the object, and picked it up. It didn't look useful at all. It was just a black and orange shard of some sort. Just as I recognized it as the shadow crystal from Twilight Princess, it was too late. I fell to my knees, holding my head.
The agents both stared at the unfolding scene, slack-jawed. It was E.V.L. who spoke first, her voice taking on a demonic echo.
“These. Sues. Are. Going. To. BURN.”
Backslash felt faint, which was saying a lot since his disguise was literally a collection of animated bones. “I don’t know as much about Zelda as you do, but wasn’t there something about the games taking place in different eras? Four Swords takes place in a different period than this Twilight Princess game, doesn’t it?”
“As I distinctly recall elaborating upon earlier, Twilight Princess and Four Swords Adventures are part of the same continuity,” E.V.L. hissed. “However, they both take place long after the original Four Swords game, and many years apart from each other. So what is a Shadow Crystal doing in the Four Swords Adventures’ Dark World? This is not exactly the same place as the realm of the Twili.”
It only got worse from there. The agents watched in horror as Sue #2 transformed into a white-furred wolf.
Backslash’s jaw literally hit the dirt this time. E.V.L., meanwhile, took out her notebook and pen and started scribbling down another charge with more ferocity than normal.
“We should move on, before I start getting thirsty ahead of time,” she growled, watching her partner pick his mandible off the ground. “The less we see of these two, the better.”
“Hang on a sec,” said Backslash, once he’d managed to reattach his jaw. “Were there any characters named Kasumi in any of the Zelda games?”
E.V.L. whipped round to stare at him. “What?”
“Well, the Words are hinting that Soul may actually be an elf named Kasumi who got sent to Earth…”
“Hylian. And no, there aren’t any characters by that name. Unless I’ve missed some obscure part of the manga, I think we may have to charge for this one, too.”
“Just wondering, why can't Zelda herself have been the love interest?” Backslash rubbed the back of his neck. “I mean, it’d make much more sense than all of this. Right?”
E.V.L. thought about it for a moment. “Indeed it would. No surprise that I ship ZeLink myself.” She leaned a little closer to him and added, “Perhaps you like ZeLink too. Who knows, maybe it would be a good idea for me to see if we have any… common interests, yes?”
Backslash gulped. “Honestly, I think you should be the one who should be worried about what you’re doing, not me. Remember my partner? Her name is Whitney, and if she finds out that you tried to seduce me while she was gone, she’d — hey, are you alright?”
E.V.L. had let out a small scream, and then curled up into a ball on the ground.
“Okay, I’ll stop flirting with you now,” she whimpered.
“Uh, thanks, I guess, but—”
“Don’t say her name in my presence again. And don’t ever mention my existence to her. Please. For everyone.”
Backslash decided to drop the conversation at that point, and focused on the Words instead. He did not like what he saw.
I then saw something white catch my eye. I turned around, and saw a round, white object with a golden Triforce on the lid. I picked it up, and held it in my hands. It was a music box! I opened it, and the most beautiful melody poured out. Two people seemed to be dancing as they twirled around and around. The music made me feel better. Just then, I heard everyone coming towards me. I quickly hid the music box in a secret pocket in my tunic, along with the shadow crystal, and turned around.
"Hey guys!" I said with a smile.
"I wonder why Shadow left me that..." I thought.
The agents exchanged worried looks.
“Was the music box featured in the manga?” asked Backslash.
E.V.L. scowled. “I already told you, Ghanti isn’t even from the right timeline. The machinery in some of the installments is complex enough that a music box isn’t out of the question, though. I’m more worried about what would happen if Vio discovered it.”
“How are the Links doing in terms of character? Just wondering.”
“Not too bad, actually, save for the obvious pairing with the Sues and implied uncanonical relatives. At least the basics of their personalities is still largely intact. As are most of their vitals.”
“…Thank you for making me uncomfortable again.”
“Hey, for me it’s just like saving 15 percent or more on car insurance by switching to GEICO. It’s what I do.”
Backslash looked at her like she’d said something in some weird alien language, but decided not to comment. “We can skip a chapter, seeing as the next one’s pretty short. The one after that, though… That’ll be interesting.”
“Interesting as in the ‘I’m going to vomit’ kind, or interesting as in—”
“Yeah, that kind.”
E.V.L. opened a portal. “Say no more. Onwards to Chapter 12, then.”
They landed just after the Author’s Notes, and straight into an argument between Sue #2 and Vio. This escalated to the Sue punching him in his gut.
“Ugh, a Jerk Sue.This is getting better by the second.”
She nudged him playfully. “How dare you?! You stole the words right out of my mouth. How about I steal them back?”
“Flirrrrr-tiiiiing,” Backslash replied in a sing-song voice. He checked the Words and added, “There’s another scene shift incoming, I think. Two of them, in fact. Does the Eastern Palace show up in the actual manga?”
“Yes, as does the Yellow Maiden and Moon Pearl. We’re jumping again to the point where they camp out for the night before heading to Death Mountain. Oh, and there’s also a dream sequence showing how Vio met Ghanti.”
“Oh? What’s it about?”
“Just Ghanti protecting Vio from some random bullies. Nothing out of the ordinary.”
Backslash would’ve rolled his eyes if he’d had any in this disguise. “Typical. Why must these boy-meets-girl stories always involve bullying?”
“Your guess is as good as mine. Unless like me, one of them’s doing the bullying.”
“Oh, that. Riiiight.”
They portaled to after the dream, during which Red Link and Sue #2, both of whom had woken up from nightmares, were talking with each other. Red Link was particularly scared, and the Sue was trying to calm him down. So she took out the music box, which worked pretty well — until Vio came in and took the box away.
The situation started turning violent again — until Vio suddenly hugged Sue #2, tearfully addressing her as Ghanti.
Elsewhere, two skeletons slapped their bony hands against their foreheads.
“Who’s willing to bet that the other Sue is gonna be someone whom Blue Link used to know? Like, say, Kasumi?”
“And the Ironic Overpower winds up for an epic gut punch,” E.V.L. muttered.
"Vio! I remember now! I remember everything! Oh Vio! I missed you too!" I cried as I hugged him back.
I remembered now. Vio was-IS my best friend.
I used to live in Hyrule with him.
The agents looked at each other, then at the Sue, realizing at the same time that there was no hope of salvaging any temporal consistency.
“Can we kill them now?” asked Backslash.
“Not until we’re sure they don’t deserve saving,” said E.V.L. “And while we need more charges for that, we’ll have to try and skip as much as we can now that we know what to expect. Probably Chapter 14? No, that one’s them being caught up in river rapids and Not!Ghanti being separated from the group. Chapter 15? Mouth to mouth?”
Backslash gave her a less than pleased look. “Ew, I really don’t want to have to see that .”
“No, not that… Soul finally discovers that she’s really Kasumi. Is that more important, or do you think we can skip it as well?”
Backslash shrugged. “Given what we’ve seen so far, it seems like it’d be a copy-paste of Skye finding out that she’s Ghanti. Why bother? We have enough charges for the two of them, anyway, what with them being in love with two of the Links and—”
E.V.L. checked the RA, and then grinned. “Not so fast. Chapter 16. This oughta be interesting…”
“Why? Will they actually start—”
“Not that type of interesting. You know what, let’s just take a look for ourselves, shall we?”
********************
Act Three
"Oh! Lookie here! A little reunion! Sorry to rain on your parade, but I'll need to take her now," a chilling voice said behind the group.
Skye's eyes widened as Shadow Link walked towards her. Her mind was in a whirl of panic, when she remembered the shadow crystal. The girl reached into her pouch and touched the object, and instantly transformed back into a white wolf.
The agents found themselves joined by yet another POV, No one's POV, which nuzzled Backslash while he tried to make sense of what was happening.
“What even is this fic,” he muttered. “Is it just me, or are you getting the sense that these Sues aren’t actually changing the story that much?”
E.V.L. bristled slightly. “They’re only there so that the Links will have someone to fall in Twu Wuv with, apparently. So that would likely be considered a yes.”
“Forgive me for asking this, but… were you initially someone like them? Did you try to romance Li—”
“Yes. But I was an evil replacement of Zelda back in the day. There’s a difference.”
“How come you didn’t die, though? You’d think a PPC agent would’ve killed you before your story ended…”
“They tried,” she replied, grinding her teeth. “I escaped, however, and found myself in a different continuum, replacing a different person. It happened several more times before the horse’s ass who’d become my partner found me.”
He tilted his head, pushing the POV’s face away when it tried to snuggle up to him again. “Who was the agent who went after you in the first place? Not going to pick on them, just curious…”
“I think you already know.”
It took him a moment for him to realize what she was talking about. “Oh. Her. But… Why did you run away?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” Her voice sounded indignant, but also oddly nervous. “For some strange reason, she… scared me. A lot.”
“You’re not alone. Whitney’s terrified me as well on multiple occasions. I can only imagine what would go through a Sue’s head if she faced her.”
“I’m not worried about that. I’m more concerned about how she’d feel if she found out that you and I were working together on this mission.”
“Oh, I don’t know!” Backslash turned away, feeling more than a little uncomfortable. “Maybe we could just head straight back to the Sunflower after—”
The scene shift caught the two of them off guard, and they ended up in a tangle of bones in some kind of palace. The Palace of Winds to be specific.
“Well, if your partner didn’t want to put my head on a pole, she certainly would now,” said E.V.L., before blowing a kiss in her partner’s direction.
“Stop it. Right now.” Backslash glared at her. “And I think that’s my hand you used for that kiss. Gross!”
“I had to. No regrets.” She pulled herself off of him before realizing that since they were Stalfos, their limbs could detach. The two of them now had one arm and one leg each, and the remaining limbs were scattered around them.
“I tried to warn you,” said E.V.L., before giggling. “Hm, I wonder which limbs belong to who?”
“The shorter ones are probably mine,” said Backslash. “You tower over me when we aren’t disguised. Doesn’t that give you the longer legs?”
She picked up a disembodied leg and poked at the foot. “Doesn’t look like them to me. Okay, mental note. Next mission, we use disguises that don’t fall apart if thrown onto the floor.”
“H-hey!” Backslash had to bite back a fit of laughter before snatching the leg from her. “That tickles, and that’s mine! As is this, I think—” He picked up an arm, but it slapped him in the face.
“That’s mine,” E.V.L. chuckled before she took the arm back and reattached it.
"Now now, let's not get off on the wrong foot now, my little pet. We have much to do together. But first, we'll need to remove your memory," the shadow being said as he quickly put a coronet with a red jewel onto the girl's head. Black smoke encased the girl in a shadowy cocoon as the coronet started to work its power.
"GAAAAAAAAAAH! IT HURTS!" Skye screeched as she felt herself slipping away.
After a few seconds, her body went to normal, except that her eyes were blank.
"Now, who do you work for?" Shadow asked.
"I only work for Lord Vaati. I work to block out the light and replace it with glorious darkness!" Skye replied happily.
“What,” said Backslash, “the bloody heck.”
“I have a feeling something more explicit would be more appropriate here,” replied E.V.L. “And this chapter’s pretty much over. We’ll have to find a place to move in, quickly, before the Sues cause any further trouble.”
“So, who’s influencing who?” asked Backslash, putting his leg back on.
“I don’t know, and I don’t care,” replied E.V.L. “Chapter 17 is short, and Chapter 18 involves Vio helping to break the brainwashing on Sue #2. Who ends up in a coma, incidentally.”
“Oh, goody.”
“She’ll live. My former kin never die—”
“Unless an agent gets to them.”
“Shut up. Anyway, Chapter 19… Now that’s where it gets interesting.”
“Portal, right?” He then noticed her dialing the RA and added, “Yeah, dumb question.”
I looked at them and ran over. The rest of the Links were scrambling around to get health supplies and other things. But they all ended up bumping into each other like the Three Stooges. Vio looked back at them. His eyes filled with tears. I got a bright idea regarding what Farore told me.
'Use it wisely,' Farore's voice echoed through my head.
"Use what wisely...?" I whispered to myself, then remembered the light that entered through my chest. I'd thought that Farore meant her body acids.
'I'm not a sea cucumber,' I thought, 'She must've meant my power...'
'I sure hope I got the right power...' I thought as I put my hands on Skye's chest.
A faint red light grew around my hands, and my eyes turned red. I kept going until I felt tired. Really... tired. Not deathly tired, but tired. I kept going till she felt Skye's heart beating faster. But, she didn't wake up.
“Great, she’s dead,” said Backslash. “Everybody can go home now, the mission’s over!”
“No, it’s not,” E.V.L. replied, giving him a less than amused look. “You read the Words, didn’t you? Farore’s power revived Sue #2, but as I mentioned, the latter’s still out cold. We can’t kill her, though — the others are literally right next to her. If they see two giant skeletons coming at them right now…”
“So, where do we step in?” asked Backslash.
“When she wakes up,” replied E.V.L. “But we’ll need to determine when that happens. Should be in a couple of chapters, seeing as we’re already around two-thirds of the way through.”
“Is there anything she learns while she’s out?” asked Backslash. “Usually, there’s some sort of dream sequence in these sorts of periods… Maybe she’ll receive a divine vision, or some sort of cryptic advice?”
He blinked a sudden cyan light out of his eyes. “Hm. Okay, definitely a vision. But… Who’s Din? Or Naryu?”
E.V.L. looked at him, her mouth hanging open. “Oh, dear. What now?”
“We’ll have one more major charge in the next chapter — which should take us inside Sue #2’s head, in fact. Portal?”
She agreed, though a little reluctantly. The chance of poisoning the Sue’s mind from within was tempting, but probably not worth the risk after what happened to her previously. No doubt the others would exorcise her and then kill her off for real.
They emerged into some sort of blank space, where the Sue in question was talking with a woman with bright, red hair and really tan skin. Her eyes were golden, and she wore a dress made of fire.
E.V.L. would’ve made the bone-rattling noise if she could without alerting the Sue. “Well, scheiss. The goddesses themselves are being dragged into this…”
“That’s a goddess?!” Backslash’s jaw went slack.
“Din, the Goddess of Power, to be specific. One of three principal deities in the Zelda universe.” She then turned to Backslash, eyeing him suspiciously. “How did you know this was going to happen, anyway?”
“Oh, I don’t know. It just came to me.” He laughed, and then sighed. “Okay, well. I’m a copy of Shulk, right? Well, Shulk can see the future. It happens at random but it’s vital on multiple occasions in his home game. He’s also able to change events such that they alter the time stream, causing things to happen differently than what he witnessed. That’s why I felt so sick about the timeline distortion earlier — I can sense the time streams being forced to converge.”
“And that’s a greater problem for you than, well, that?” She gestured at Din and the Sue.
“I didn’t say it was! It’s just that timeline butchery affects my health because of how I sense the future. Canon butchery, on the other hand…”
“You know what, just… forget I asked. Your home continuum is just so bizarre—”
“You want bizarre? How about having to climb up the petrified body of a continent-sized warrior in order to save the world? And a whole host of other plot details I won’t spoil for you because you clearly haven’t played the bloody game?”
“I know I haven’t.” She gave him as deadpan a look as she could with a fleshless face. “I just don’t particularly care for it, either.”
The goddess' tone turned serious as she replied, "Young one, you are the wielder of the Triforce of Power. You proved yourself to be worthy enough. Even more worthy than Ganondorf! That sacred power made you a prime target. When you were young, the people fought over the location of the Triforce and many were killed. In order to protect you, your parents gave you to me and I had your consciousness fall asleep and reawaken as a human girl. Once the time was right, your true self would be revealed. Your friend went through the same process, except with Nayru. She holds the Triforce of Wisdom, but the sacred power hasn't shown itself yet."
Whatever Backslash had been about to say in protest to his partner’s remark died in his throat almost immediately.
“What. The. Bloody. Heck,” he said, his voice quiet and understandably disturbed.
“I get the feeling a certain Demon Lord and a certain princess of Hyrule would like to have a word with these two,” muttered E.V.L. “Granted, Ganondorf stole the Triforce of Power, but still. We’re killing both of these stupid Sues now. I call dibs on the blood of Not!Ghanti.”
“Blood? Uh…”
“Vampiric. Don’t ask.”
“Oh. So, where do we step in?”
“Chapter 22. The Sue wakes up somewhere during that point, so we can skip straight to the end and get to them before the next chapter starts up.”
“Yeah, but the Links—”
“Don’t worry.” She smiled and rubbed the underside of his chin with a bony finger. “I have an idea.”
One portal, an awakening via a Twu Wuv’s Kiss™, and several flashbacks later…
"Alright guys, enough fooling around. We need to get to the Four Sword Sanctuary," Green stated as he rose.
"How do you know that we need to go there?" Blue asked.
"I just have a feeling that we do," Green replied.
"Then we better go now," Skye said as she also rose.
Everyone else stood, and started to head towards the sanctuary. But, Vio stopped Skye when the others were far ahead. She turned around, and the knight planted another blissful kiss on her lips. This time, Skye gave him a thankful smile. The two lovers held hands as they caught up to everyone else.
“FREEZE, SCOUNDRELS!”
A skeleton appeared out of nowhere, brandishing a scimitar. The Sues cried out in alarm and backed away.
The whole group took one look at Backslash, their eyes wide. Red Link screamed in terror, Blue Link drew his sword, and Vio Link facepalmed and muttered something along the lines of “Here we go again…”
“Uh… E.V.L.?” Backslash looked at the weapons of the four Links and began to back away. “Help me out here! E.V.L.? E.V.L.! …aaaaAAAAAH POINTY METAL THINGIES NOOOOO GET AWAY FROM MEEEEEE—!”
Within several moments, all four Links had begun chasing Backslash around the area, waving their swords and screaming angrily. The Sues made to follow them — until they felt something pin their feet to the floor.
“BLUE!” cried Soul.
“VIO! HELP!!” screamed Skye.
The Links turned around to see the Sues rooted by their shadows, with another skeleton looming behind them.
Backslash didn’t stop to think. He lunged at the Sues, tackling them to the ground, and waved a hand desperately at E.V.L., who was still holding the RA. She got the message and tossed it at him, and he quickly dialed a portal, thinking less about where he was heading and more about getting himself, his partner, and the Sues as far away from the Links as possible. The portal opened behind E.V.L., and the two of them whisked the Sues through. Before the Links could chase after them, E.V.L. raised her neuralyzer. FLASH!
“We were never here, you’ve never known anyone named Soul, Skye, Ghanti, or Kasumi, and you four are going to head to the Four Sword Sanctuary and defeat the evil threatening Hyrule,” she said. “Have a nice life.”
With that, she strode through, and Backslash shut the portal behind her, leaving four very confused Links to wonder what had just happened.
Meanwhile, the agents found themselves in some kind of chamber, with walls made of wood. Backslash had tied up both Sues with his scarf, and their struggles were pointless as he loomed over them.
“That was your idea?!” he snapped at his partner. “Using me to distract the Links? I could’ve gotten disassembled again!”
“You’re welcome. And hey, it worked. What more could I ask for?”
“Well, I guess I’ll give you that much, because for the love of the Bionis, have you two got any common sense?!” he said to the Sues. “Focusing your attention on one enemy while another strikes from behind? You fell for one of the oldest tricks in the book!”
“Well, you’re not going to have us so easily!” cried Soul. “Blue and Vio are going to save us, and we’ll defeat you together!”
“I wouldn’t bet on that,” E.V.L. said with a menacing skeletal grin, playing her fingers ominously against her ribs. “Soul and Skye, by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being Mary Sues on account of the following charges: being transported into the world of the Zelda series thanks to a canon character knowing of your existence; getting the Links to befriend you right out of the gate ; being able to communicate with the Links when as humans you shouldn't have been able to know a single word of Hylian; mashing together canons from two different games, and for that matter two different bloody timelines; replacing the canon character of Ghanti in Skye’s case by way of reincarnation; having the Links fall in love with you due to uncanon memories you’ve implanted in their heads; getting yourselves into trouble specifically so that the Links could sympathize with you; being more insufferable jerkasses than me — at least I was evil , for Din’s sake — possessing the power of two of the three aspects of the Triforce; communicating with the goddesses when as humans you shouldn’t have been able to do so; and the goddesses know what other charges we’ve missed while having to wallow through your stupid elf-seducing antics. Your punishment is death, and you get no last words.”
“So, what do we do with them?” asked Backslash. “Do we feed them to a Dodongo or something, or just throw them in the fires of Death Mountain like with that one Undertale Sue?”
“I’m not sure, honestly,” said E.V.L., regretting that she couldn’t lick her nonexistent lips. “Perhaps I was thinking more along the lines of—”
And then she heard it. The scuttling, clicking sound of a gigantic something with far too many legs crawling upon the ceiling.
“Backslash?” she asked, her voice suddenly fearful. “Portal. Hyrule Field. Now.”
“What?!” The disguised Homs looked suddenly annoyed. “But we can’t just leave them here and—”
THNKTHNKCRUNCH! An enormous spider-like creature with a single eye dropped down from the ceiling, landing a short distance away from the group. The Sues screamed, but E.V.L.’s scream was even louder. Backslash quickly untied his scarf from the Sues, but before they could run, he pushed them towards the monster. At the same time, E.V.L. grabbed the RA, and her bony fingers began flying over the controls while the Queen Gohma bore down on them, her pincers clicking, her disgusting abdomen already beginning to swell as she prepared to spawn an army of scuttling minions.
The portal opened and closed, and the agents were gone, leaving Soul and Skye to their fate.
********************
Post-Mission
As E.V.L. had requested, the agents found themselves in Hyrule Field. As soon as she portaled back from her quick task of neuralyzing the rest of the affected canons, she rounded on Backslash, knowing that they were far enough from anywhere canonical to speak up without attracting attention.
“WHY DID YOU PORTAL US THERE OF ALL PLACES?! DID YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT WAS IN THERE?! WE COULD’VE DIED FOR THE LOVE OF—”
“I didn’t know what was in there!” Backslash raised his hands in a gesture that screamed “Please don’t hurt me”. “I already told you, my knowledge of Zelda isn’t as good as—”
“Well, it shouldn’t be poor enough to get us both killed, either! You went on several Zelda missions before, didn’t you?! I’d have thought you knew better than to put us in the Deku Tree from Ocarina of Time , right under that horrible crawling—”
“E.V.L.? Do you need a Snickers, or—”
“I’m not hungry. I’m annoyed. And furious. Remind me never to trust you with an RA in a continuum you barely know! And play the games yourself next time. I’m sure that’ll do you a lot of good in the future.”
Backslash paused, his head low. Then he thought of something. “You screamed at the sight of Queen Gohma. You know how you said that you hoped there wouldn’t be any minis on this mission?”
“I have two minis, a creeper and a Missingno. But Zelda minis are mini-Gohmas. I hate those.”
“So, you hate mini-Gohmas?”
“I despise bugs in general. And if you ask how I got that little quirk, your head will be the one that’s going to be mounted.”
“I won’t ask. So, should we head back?”
“The sooner we leave this place, the less likely we’ll encounter any insectoid enemies. Besides, we have nothing to do here anymore, and you have a mission report to write.”
“Hrm. Sounds about right. So, I guess it’s back to my RC, isn’t it?”
She didn’t argue, instead handing the RA to him. But no sooner had E.V.L. stepped through the portal when she let out a frightened squeak, dashed back through, and proceeded to push Backslash through instead.
As soon as he readjusted to the dim light of his RC, the newly reverted Homs agent saw the reason for her panic. There, in the middle of the RC, stood a certain white-skinned fitness trainer, her arms folded, her gray eyes narrowed, her lips curled downwards just slightly as she stared the two of them down.
“There had better be a damn good explanation for this,” she growled.
“H-Hi, Whitney! Hehe, you’re home early! I… Uh…” For the second time that day, Backslash had a look of sheer panic in his eyes. “Look, it wasn’t my fault, okay?”
“Oh, I’m sure it wasn’t. You went on a mission without my consent again, didn’t you?”
“The console had been going off for a half hour before I decided to respond! What were you doing?!”
“The question isn’t what I was doing, but what she was doing,” Whitney replied, pointing at E.V.L. “She shouldn’t even be here in Headquarters!”
“And yet, here I am,” the demon girl replied, her voice shaking just a little; she was a tad surprised that she was even taller than the other female, albeit by just a few inches. “And for the record, I think I did fairly well in helping him out.”
“That doesn’t change the most important thing.” Whitney stalked over to the taller female, and had to stretch up onto her tiptoes to glare into her eyes. “I should have killed you while I still had the chance.”
Backslash reached for his partner, but she smacked his hand away. He wanted to intervene, but knowing his partner there was little he could do.
E.V.L. shuddered, but continued with her bluff, trying not to express the sheer terror she was feeling deep inside. “Does it matter now? I’ve already been through countless sessions with the Flowers, Medical, and FicPsych. They’ve all agreed that I’ve been developing into my own character. Isn’t that enough?”
“No. It isn’t.”
Backslash spoke up at that moment. “I guess she’s no longer welcome here, then. Shall I return her to her cosmic jail cell?”
“I’ll take her to the Sunflower,” Whitney replied. “I want a word with him, anyway. That overgrown weed has no idea who he’s dealing with.”
********************
And just what do you think you’re doing in my office? The SO would have worn an expression of annoyed exasperation if giant telepathic flowers could emote. Before him stood Whitney, who had E.V.L.’s severed head held by her hair in one hand, and the other gripping her body by the shoulder.
“Backslash sends his regards,” the trainer replied, her voice tense. “He says there was no trouble in the mission save for his getting jumbled up more than once, and being nearly poked to death by four elves in pointy hats.”
Then why isn’t he here? He needs to own up to his own troubles, too.
“You can talk it up with him later. Compared to this wretch I’ve brought in, he’s a goddamn saint.”
“Ex cuse me?!” E.V.L.’s head hissed and struggled a little, but she was powerless to escape Whitney’s tight grip.
Agent Whitney, I understand that you’re still extremely sore about the one stain on your track record, the SO replied. I too am upset that the person who would become Agent von Lilith slipped out of your grasp and escaped into a different canon. Why did you think I had to send in several other agents to deal with her? However, this does not necessarily mean you should hold a grudge after this long.
“This isn’t a grudge. This is for the good of the multiverse. Evangeline is a threat regardless of what you make her into. Her instinct to take over continua of any variety is in the bone, not the blood. And it’ll stick to the flesh no matter how hard you try to eradicate it.”
The SO gave her the telepathic equivalent of a frustrated sigh. I had the same concerns back when she joined that you do now, that much is true. But I’m starting to sense that you’re giving her too little credit—
“I didn’t even know that Evangeline was here in HQ until ten minutes ago! ” Whitney stamped her bare foot against the floor. “If you’d at least told me about her agent status earlier—”
That was not a matter we deemed important enough to pursue. After all, with Agent von Lilith in our custody, we figured your animosity towards her was not an immediate concern. Besides, she has proven herself from time to time. She’s shown respect, even compassion, for her fellow agents—
“But that doesn’t change what she is. Even if Suvians can be reformed — and believe me, I would know that! — I’m not confident that E.V.L. here can outgrow her wicked ways, not at the rate you say she’s developing.”
Agent Whitney, listen. Do I care about your problems with her? I know you wouldn’t like to hear this from me, but I have far more important things to think about than the opinions of just one of my agents about another. Do I look like the kind of plant who’d step in to settle a dispute over who gets the last slice of delivery pizza? No. This is a matter you two will have to settle yourselves.
“But Backslash—”
Agent Backslash made remarks that were insensitive and hurtful to others, and the reason I acknowledged this was so I could curtail this toxic behavior. This is not an objective debate by any means. I have more constructive things to do with my time than listening to the self-righteous complaints of one of the many, many agents in this department, so I believe it would be best for you to leave my office immediately . And Agent von Lilith stays with me, if you don’t mind.
Whitney let go of E.V.L., tossing the demoness’ head back to her. The trainer glared at the SO, mouthed something that would’ve angered the Flower even further had she actually said it, and then stormed out of the office.
E.V.L. screwed her head back on before looking up at the SO. “So, does this mean I get partial credit?”
There is no credit when it comes to killing badfic, Agent von Lilith. Your partners’ horror story was proof of that. But for what it’s worth, you did a better job than I expected. I’d have thought you’d try to take the Sues down by, say, channeling the Triforce yourself.
“After my first mission? How stupid do you think I am?”
As moronic and obtuse as everyone else, all things considered. Still, it’s good to see that you have a modicum of restraint now that you have a better idea of our purpose.
“And someone whom I actually respect, don’t forget that.”
Do not think, however, that you’ll be going free just because you’ve managed to complete a single mission without botching it. We’re still keeping an eye on you, and you’ll still have to remain in solitary confinement until further notice. I can’t take any chances with respect to your reverting to what you once were.
Beat. “Well… If it helps any, I’m now actually afraid of that possibility. I’ve been used to having my power contained for so long that having it being fully released would feel actually new.”
New and dangerous. Don’t forget that.
“Backslash is going to take care of the mission report, isn’t he?”
Yes. And as for you, I think you know where we’ll be putting you until you’re needed again. Your partner will probably have a new mission for you before long, so enjoy your solitude while you can. Obviously, you’re still exempt on weekends as long as you don’t cause any trouble in HQ, but that’s a very big ‘as long as’. For now, though, the dandelions will escort you back to your cell.
“Understood, sir.”
Ten minutes later, E.V.L. was back in the tiny generic space with only her minis for company, the portal closing behind her. The SO was right — there was nothing left now but to wait for her partner to pull her back out.
With that final thought in mind, she sat down in the corner of her cell, set her head in her lap, and closed her eyes. “Now, where was I?…”