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Bucky knew it wasn’t right.
Went against some law of friendship, violated long-standing trust, and made him into someone he wasn’t sure he liked.
Whoever said the heart wants what it wants was right, but man , they need their ass kicked.
Because obviously, they had to have fallen for someone off limits too. Right?
To learn that lesson, that we can’t control who we fall for, they had to have loved someone close but just out of reach.
Like you.
Steve introduced you to Bucky almost a year ago. Apparently, you two had met in a line at a quaint little coffee place in Albany, bonding over your mutual tendency to help the helpless.
His retelling of your swift and vicious verbal dealing with of a pervy customer who was hitting on the teenage barista was the stuff out of some rom-com, a genre Bucky could never really bear to watch anyway.
It didn’t take long for your presence in the Compound to become a regular thing. Movie nights, Friday night dinners, party viewings of Game of Thrones where everyone would take a shot every time someone met an untimely demise.
It didn’t take much longer for your presence to extend to the other half of the Avengers’ world either. You were a nurse in grad school in Albany and with the help of Steve and Tony, you’d been able to take a portion of your enhanced/cybernetic medicine clinical hours in the Compound infirmary.
Bucky had lost count of how many times he’d watched you fix up his arm. Because he loved those times. The ones where it was just you and him. You’d always speak so warmly to him, crack dumb little jokes, and ultimately put him at ease.
You became an unexpected source of calm for everyone, including Bucky. You were bright; sunshiny. You lit up every room you entered, warmed even the darkest of moods…and hearts.
But there was a reason you always sat beside Steve; always went to him first. Because you were a friend to all who called the Avengers Compound a home, but Steve was different. It didn’t take genius to see that.
Because Bucky wasn’t a genius but he knew better than to intrude on your training sessions with Steve or TV binge-watching separate from the rest of the group. The latter especially; Parker had explained the concept of Netflix and chill to him weeks earlier and the last thing he wanted was to be a third wheel to you and Steve while watching Netflix.
Even if being in the training room with the two of you was as equally torturous, Bucky often unable to focus with you only feet away, usually in leggings and a sports bra making it extremely difficult for him to keep his eyes on the bag. Even if you were focused on Steve, never even sparing him a glance after greeting him, except for when he always left the gym early to the sound of your squeaky ‘goodbye’.
This was all before you started bringing him books. Once that started, it was truly the nail in his coffin.
You’d been so happy that day, passing Bucky the book on a rainy Tuesday.
Yes, he remembered the day. Because you were a little soaked from the rain outside but nothing had damped your grin as you passed him a copy of The Strain. Apparently, Steve had told you that he liked sci-fi novels. It was true, but Bucky had wanted to (nicely) punch his friend for it. Because why were he and his girl talking about him? Did they realize he was head over heels for you? Was it pity?
Four books devoured only days apart and Bucky wasn’t sure.
You kept bringing him more from your collection, happily discussing the last book he’d read before starting the next one and grinning when he’d thank you, even when he’d accidentally call you doll or darling. Those times were the good ones. When he could talk to you like a normal guy, not the guy who was guilty for falling for you.
But then, he finished one of his books early. He knew you were probably still in the Compound, chilling out with Sam and Steve in the common room. He’d been so excited to talk to you about it, he’d forgone any sort of self-preserving logic.
It was all out the window anyway when he walked into the common room to find you and Steve asleep. Your head on his shoulder, a hand resting on his chest. It was a metaphorical punch in the gut. A wake up call he hadn’t known he’d needed.
He left your book by your bag and left as quietly as he could.
He’d kept his distance after that. He stopped coming to group movie night, Friday dinner. Stopped going to the training room at all when you were there. Hell, he outright turned and walked the other way when he came face to face with you in a wayward walk to the kitchen.
He was unable to maintain the budding friendship he had with you when all he could think about was how you were Steve’s girl and he shouldn’t be looking at you - thinking about you - in the ways that he was.
Not when it seemed that you and Steve were getting closer, obviously. He didn’t know when things had changed between the two of you, or why Steve hadn’t mentioned it to him, but he knew there had to be something there. Right?
____
“Hello, Sergeant Barnes.”
Oh, he messed up. He knew it. It was clear when you gave him a measured smile as he entered the infirmary post-mission. He was a little banged up, but it wasn’t life threatening. He could’ve healed on his own.
But then he thought of seeing you; of how long it had been since he had last, how much he’d wanted to since. He was often referred to as enhanced, superhuman. But when it came to love, he was no more than a man. A man unable to resist simple being in your presence.
Even if you were calling him by his official title and your smile didn’t quite reach your eyes. Your shine towards him had significantly dimmed.
“Hi, doll.” You visible hesitated. You tried to hide it, but he noticed. “I know your shift is almost over but can you fix me up?”
The visible hesitation returned once the question was out in the open. Bucky didn’t know why you were walking on eggshells with him. Well, he did, but he didn’t want to face the fact that he had made things awkward between the two of you. It was a wonder how it hadn’t effected his friendship with Stevie.
“I can’t treat you anymore, Bucky.”
He thought this was it. He’d pushed you away. You didn’t even want to be near him anymore, much less tend to his wounds.
You were angry. You had to be. Because not-angry people don’t refuse to medically treat you. It was unrealistic and he knew it. You took your job seriously and wouldn’t jeopardize it for him.
But still, he had to ask.
“Why?” He asked, wishing it didn’t sound so quiet. So hurt.
You ran a hand through your hair, letting out a nervous breath.
“Doll, why?”
That left you to scoff, “Don’t call me that.”
“Why?”
“It’s cruel, that’s why.”
“Cruel?”
You looked baffled. Your jaw fell open, you scoffed again. He never thought he’d see you this frustrated. He wished he hadn’t said anything.
“You…you have to have seen it–the way I look at you. Heard the way I talk to you. I’m not subtle!” You explained, throwing out your arms. “I’m here! I’m standing here and you still don’t see me. You stopped talking to me, left me alone and I don’t want to be left alone and I have tried everything Steve said I should and you still haven’t noticed that I’m falling for you!”
He was confused. Slow. His mind was an immovable object and your words held unstoppable force. It didn’t make sense. You were with Steve. He couldn’t…you couldn’t. It was one thing if the feelings we’re unrequited, but the opposite? He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t say anything.
“It’s fine, Sergeant Barnes. I’m a big girl. I will get over it. Professionally, I have to. Which is why you’re gonna be treated by Nurse Nathan from now on.” Your voice was even and your eyes met his. You were determined to mean what you said. "Goodbye. I won’t bother you anymore.“
He would respect that. Respect you. Respect Steve. No matter how much he wanted to stay and tell you the truth.
"You never bothered me.”
____
He entered the common room the personification of a storm cloud. Brooding, dripping with confusion.
Confusion that only deepened when he was greeted directly with, “You dumb jerk!”
He looked up to see Steve, Sam, and Parker all still in their mission-messy uniforms and sitting in front of the TV…watching the medbay. Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding.
“What?” Bucky stepped in front of the screen. “How did you even–?”
All eyes fell on Peter Parker.
Bucky wanted to step on a spider.
“Parker. What the hell?”
Steve stepped up with an explanation, “Redwing is down and we needed someone stealthy to sneak into the medbay and be okay with violating HIPAA.”
“Yeah!” He was clearly confused, but had spirit. “Wait, what’s HIPAA?”
Sam took hold of the kid, assuring him that it wasn’t altogether illegal. Clearly, Parker didn’t believe him, but that wasn’t Bucky’s issue at the moment.
“Why were you spying?”
Steve shrugged, almost reluctant. “We knew you were gonna go see Y/N and she said that the next time she saw you she was going to tell you how she felt about you. We wanted to make sure she went through with it.”
“We were sick of you two pining,” Sam added.
It was one of those moments where your world shifts beneath your feet and everything looks a little different. They knew he wanted her. They knew she wanted him. He was seeing something that wasn’t there and was too self-involved to say anything about what he thought was real and how he really felt. This whole situation could’ve been avoided, she could’ve…he could’ve…he was an idiot.
“You knew?” Bucky asked in disbelief.
“'Course we did!” Steve laughed out loud. “You’re both not subtle.”
Bucky groaned. Well, yelled, in frustration. “I thought you two were together!”
Steve’s shock didn’t go unnoticed, “What?”
“You’re always together and you’re touchy and I came into the common room one night and you were all cozy and–” Bucky couldn’t have been this far off. Could he? “I just thought you two were together!”
Steve nodded, taking a seat beside Bucky. “She’s my friend. A very good one, who’s helping me get up the courage to take out Nat.”
“You could’ve mentioned that!”
Sam and Peter laughed, only to earn a glare from Bucky. One didn’t care, the other coughed to cover the sign.
“You never gave me the chance,” Steve chuckled.
Bucky finally realized what he’d done. He’d been so afraid of ruining everything good I’m his life that he hadn’t stopped and realized that it was never in jeopardy at all.
“I’m sorry,” he said finally. “I’m a crappy friend.”
“You’re not. You can just be really self-involved,” Steve chuckled with a clap to his shoulder.
He could laugh with him.
“I’m a laugh riot, I know.” Steve insisted. “Now go get your girl, would you? My little friend has been waiting for you to buck up forever.”
Bucky stopped in his tracks, “Really?”
Steve smiled halfway.
“Never thought I’d get to use that.”
____
He’d been to your apartment more than a couple of times. When you told him you had a book for him but we’re stuck in study mode or movie night had a change in venue.
It was a cute little place, decorated colorfully and cozy as hell. He liked being there, it was your place after all, but he had never been able to ask you to come over when it was just the two of you. Hopefully he could change that.
He’d never been nervous to knock on someone’s door before. He didn’t know why he felt that way once you’d opened it, standing there hair pulled up and in pajamas with fluffy socks. You were the cutest thing Bucky had ever seen.
You looked down at your attire and sighed. Of course. “Sergeant Barnes. To what do I owe the pleasure?”
He wanted to run. You were annoyed with him. He’d hurt you and he hadn’t even known it because all along he thought you were happy with someone else. If he’d known the truth, he would’ve been able to make you happy. Instead, he’d unwittingly made you wait, an offense his mother would’ve scolded him for.
You don’t leave a good thing waiting for too long.
Time to go for broke.
“I’m falling for you, too. Have been for awhile.” He felt his chest tighten nerves getting the best of him and causing him to stutter a little. “B-but I thought you were with Steve, so I stayed away. Because he’s my best friend and you’re perfect. Too perfect for me.”
You sighed softly, “Steve is my lovable big dumb older brother and you’re his dark, brooding best friend that the cutesy dorky sister is always gonna fall for every damn time.”
He chuckled at your analysis, grateful as you tugged him inside by the collar of his shirt. “Kiss me, Barnes.”
You didn’t have to tell him twice.
Because going for broke was kissing you with all he had, pulling you close and lifting you into his arms, tasting the cute little shocked gasp/giggle you let out as you wrapped your legs at his hips.
As you whispered directions through your place against his lips, Bucky sighed. Out the window, he spotted a flicker of red, reluctantly pulling away from you.
You panicked in his arms, “What? What? Is it the pajamas? I know foxes aren’t exactly sexy, but-”
“Doll, you’re a dichotomy of cute and sexy 24/7. Your fox pajamas are included in that.” He couldn’t remember the last time he’d smiled this much. “We, however, are being watched.”
“What?”
He carried you across your living room, sitting down beside your window with you in his lap. He chuckled at your confused pout, taking in your well-kissed lips and messier hair.
He opened the window, not spotting whom he’d seen moments earlier, but know he was there.
“Beat it, kid. Go report back to Dumbass One and Dumbass Two.”
“Sam and Steve?” You clarify, and Bucky is sure he’s gonna be happy for the rest of his extended life.
Peter Parker slowly lowered himself from the wall above your fire escape, “Congratulations?”