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There he was. The man whose name Metatron had given him, Alexander Sarver. The man he had been sent to kill.
Gadreel hesitated slightly as he started drawing closer to the crouching man. He looked so innocent, so oblivious of what was coming for him. What was this man’s crime? What had he done to deserve death? He forced himself to shake these doubts off. He was not meant to question his orders, just to follow them. As he had done with Thaddeus. As he had done with Kevin… His eyes darted briefly to the ground before looking up and locking onto his target once more. Focus, Gadreel. This is for the best.
He forced himself to move closer. He took out the small slip of paper, reading the name again though he knew he had long since memorized the edges and curves of the letters in his next victim's name. He was stalling. He re-folded the paper and shoved it back into his pocket as he walked towards the man kneeling in the garden. He had to finish this quickly. He had to do it before his conscience could stop him.
“Alexander Sarver?” he called out. He couldn’t kill a man while his back was turned. He was no coward, and this man deserved better than that.
At the sound of his name the man turned to greet him. As their eyes met Gadreel was surprised to feel a wave of Grace wash over him. Not just any Grace, but the Grace of one he knew well. Grace so shockingly familiar that the hand that had been reaching into his jacket for his blade froze in its place.
“Gadreel?” the man asked, gaping at him. So the other angel recognized him too.
“Abner,” he breathed, his voice filled with shock and disbelief. How could this be? He was dead, was he not? Killed by Thaddeus. How could his friend possibly be standing before him now, alive and well?
“I thought you were dead,” Abner said, confused at first before smiling at Gadreel in a way that made it easy to see right past the vessel to the angel inside, his friend. Abner was alive. Gadreel was relieved, and overjoyed.
“What happened? What are you doing here?”
With that one, simple sentence all joy was drained from him. His blood turned cold -- he was surprised to learn how literal the phrase he'd thought was only an idiom truly was -- as he was reminded why he had come in the first place. He was here to kill him. Abner was the target that Metatron had sent him to get rid of. “I…what are you doing here?” he asked, desperately shoving the question back at his friend. He couldn’t possibly tell his friend what his intention was. And now that he knew who his target was, he couldn’t possibly go through with it. How could he kill a friend, especially one as close as Abner?
But... what other choice did he have? He hated to even consider such a disgusting thing, but if he didn’t do what Metatron asked what would happen to him, to their plan?
From amidst his panic he faintly noticed a young girl run out to greet him, racing towards his friend with cheerful calls of “Daddy!” His heart dropped, clenching up even tighter than before and his head spinning. Abner smiled gently down at the young girl in his arms, the image of a perfect father and daughter. And Gadreel was here to take it all away.
He forced a smile as his former cellmate introduced Gadreel as his best friend -- the words sent a stab of guilt through his heart, more painful than any torture he had ever endured -- as he tried his best not to faint from the increased amount of oxygen he was gasping into his lungs.
“You have a child,” he stated, struggling to keep his voice from shaking. Of course he did.
“I have family, Gadreel,” Abner said, and Gadreel's guilt grew. Was he really considering ruining what may be his friend's only chance at a normal life?
Gadreel nodded absently at the offer to come in and talk when his wife -- of course there was a wife too, he thought as his control over his emotions slowly crumbled into an anxious mess -- and daughter left. His friend waved as he walked back into the house.
As soon as Abner was out of sight Gadreel panicked. He couldn’t do it. There was no way he was going to kill Abner, he just couldn’t. But what would happen to him if he refused Metatron’s orders? Metatron would drop him faster than you could say “Gadreel, the traitor”. He would never be forgiven. He would never get his family back, and he would always be known as a failure.
But to kill Abner? He wasn’t even sure he would be able to. He tried to imagine it, taking out his blade and driving it through his friend’s heart, but all it did was add to the growing feeling of panic growing in his chest. He couldn’t kill Abner. But he couldn’t disobey Metatron. He couldn’t go back to being the Gadreel that everyone thought he was. He couldn’t be alone anymore. But how was he supposed to kill his best friend?
What do I do? he wondered desperately, his heart pounding as he took an anxious step back from the house, stumbling slightly. He felt like the world was spinning around him, his lungs crushing in on themselves as he gasped for air, trying to control his breathing enough to slow his racing heart. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t see, he couldn’t think. What do I do?
His silent call for help was interrupted as Abner emerged from the house. Gadreel moved back, hiding behind the fence as he desperately willed himself to calm down. He watched Abner bid his family goodbye, giving a hug and a kiss to each of them before smiling and waving as the car pulled away. Gadreel’s heart ached as Abner turned his smile towards him, waving him inside. How could he possibly be considering taking this happiness away from him?
Once inside, Gadreel listened attentively as Abner explained his story. He had set up a new life, found a new family to replace the old one. He had even rescued this family from their abusive father and husband, the vessel Abner was currently possessing. He had stepped in to replace him, and they were now a happy, loving family It sounded like a good life.
But it was not one he wanted.
Gadreel didn’t want a new family. He wanted his family. He wanted to feel the familiar embrace of the ones who had once loved him, who he still loved. He wanted to hear Hael tell him tales of Earth, to smile with Anael as she shared her hopes and dreams for the future. He wanted to hear stories of Gabriel’s tricks passed down from the others, and to earn only a sly smile when he asked the archangel about them himself. He wanted to admire Michael’s skills as a warrior from afar, and Raphael’s skills as a healer. He wanted to see the rare, grateful smile Uriel gave him when he offered to help him with his work. He wanted to hear stories about the fledglings from the other angels, to laugh at the antics of the young Balthazar and smile at the growing curiosity of Castiel. He just wanted to go home.
Then, something Abner said struck a chord with him. “The key to happiness is finding the thing you want most and never let it go.”
That was exactly what he wanted to do. He wanted to continue this mission until he had seen it through to the end, to hold onto his goal and never let it go. To do whatever it took.
But not this. Please, God, not this, anything but this.
Unfortunately, God was no longer listening.
“And what if there’s a price?” he asked, avoiding his friend’s eyes.
“There’s always a price. But it’s worth paying.”
Gadreel nodded slowly. His friend sounded so certain, so completely satisfied with his answer. He looked up at Abner, at the contentment in his eyes. Was it so bad to wish that he could have that same happiness? Abner certainly didn’t seem to think so. The only way he could ever be happy again was to never let go of the things he truly wanted. And he definitely wanted it. Happiness, family, love... He wanted them all, needed them, even more than he needed Grace or air.
So he chose to pay the price.