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Vicki, I’m not signing this as is. I agree with your conclusion, but I think our memo should be a little more diplomatic. I’ve put the things I think really have to go in ( ). Alex
MEMO
To: Prince Charming
Regent of Darith
From: Alexandria Parker
Victoria Baldwin
Darith Standards and Measurement Bureau
Date: March 15, 2014
RE: Resignation
We appreciate the confidence you showed us when you hired us to establish the Darith Standards and Measurement Bureau. (We realize now that it was because no one else was stupid enough to take on the job. Unfortunately, no one was hiring engineers last year, especially ones that just graduated from college.) This first year has been a challenge. Let us briefly recap the highlights, (any one of which would have made a sane person run away screaming.)
Our first action was to standardize the measurement of “7 League Boots.” As you know, a League was defined as the distance a person could walk in an hour. This is an inherently inexact measure. However, when we discovered that Tanner Nathan was selling “7 League boots” that covered the distance a 2-month-old baby could walk in 7 hours we believed that was taking “inexact” too far. We have officially designated a League as 5000 feet, (despite the fact that 5280 is much more traditional and y’all seem really bent on tradition). Despite the dismay of storekeepers who think “1/100th League boots” won’t sell as well, the customers appreciate the truth in advertising. Our latest survey shows 87% of citizens who purchased magic boots in the past year approved of the new labeling system. (Of course, this wouldn’t be such a problem if you people would institute a rational warranty policy.)
Our next major undertaking was developing a calibration system for magic mirrors. Your majesty’s support in this undertaking was appreciated, (even though you only did it because the amount of magic mirror shards turning up in the dump was warping space-time.) Because turning us into frogs was the most popular reaction to questioning their magic mirrors, having Mage Martin on hand to turn us back immediately made the process much more efficient. The supply of robes was also appreciated (because why on earth turning you into a frog and back again destroys your CLOTHES is a mystery we never solved. Where do the clothes go? I still think it was Martin just trying to get a peek – he’s a creep.) Our final solution requires all magic mirrors to have user-adjustable controls to define the search parameters for “the fairest” before the search begins. Since the new calibration system has become mandatory, only one magic mirror has been destroyed (and anyone who’s trying to get a magic mirror to show Tom Hiddleston only when his hair is longer than 1 ½ inches and Benedict Cumberbatch the rest of the time is never going to be happy. How do they even know about them? It’s not like we get decent TV reception in Darith.)
Our third major initiative was standardizing the dosage of sleeping potions based on body weight. As you know, there is a long tradition of evil stepmothers disguising themselves and feeding their stepdaughters poisoned apples to make them sleep until awakened by “Love’s True Kiss.” (Which is super weird and creepy. Why couldn’t we just institute speed dating? But no, the problem YOU wanted solved was the fact that) lately a number of witches have been selling watered-down potions which resulted in the daughters waking up after 3 – 6 months even without a kiss. As you know, the chemical analysis to discover the active ingredient and determine an appropriate dosage was a difficult and time-consuming procedure, (although I suspect that if your wife hadn’t volunteered to be the test subject so you could say it was part of your job to make out with her all day, we might have gotten on a little faster. We’re all delighted that the two of you are so in love, but seriously? We shouldn’t have to tell you to get a room. At last count, the castle had at least 300 of them.)
We believe the work that we have done in establishing the Darith Standards and Measurement Bureau will make it simpler than ever to make Darith a place of peace and predictability. We could not have done it without your majesty’s vision and support. Your majesty’s regency and eventual rule will be a time of peace and prosperity long remembered. ([I know you are going to cross this out Alex, but seriously? I know we need him to send us back, but HOW MUCH do we have to suck up to this guy?] THE SUCKING UP STAYS! AP) Since these important steps have been achieved, we are sure that you no longer need us and it is time for us to return to our native land.
(Not only that, the latest thing you want us to tackle is seriously a big old cup of NOPE. Certifying virgins for the unicorns? No way. I spent 2 hours this morning listening to 6 idiots argue whether giving or receiving blow jobs counted as losing their virginity. When the consensus seemed to be that giving counted but not receiving, I threw them all out. There is not enough gold in this kingdom to pay me to make those decisions.)
We will always remember our time here in Darith (but we are never putting it on a resume. As far as anyone knows, we spent this year volunteering on an organic farm where they didn’t believe in modern communication.) Regretfully, we hereby tender our resignation, effective immediately, and recommend Jack and Jill as the new heads of the Darith Standards and Measurement Bureau.
VB:vb
cc: Jack and Jill