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Despite being built like a tiny fullback, Shepard was nonetheless challenged by the thoughtlessness of everyday design choices. "Which varren-humping near-sighted tool-monkey decided to hang these mother-humping cabinets way the hump up there?" At full stretch, on the tips of her toes, she could barely even reach the second shelf. "Humping humpers!"
"Lola! Tranquila!" Jimmy Vega sauntered over to the galley. "Let me get that for you."
Shepard was in no mood to be mollified. "If I wanted you to humping get it for me I'd humping order you to, Lieutenant! What I want is to wring the scrawny humping neck of the scrawny humping pencil-pusher who drew up the humping plans for this boat! Now get out of my humping way!" She started to clamber up on the countertop, but her rage was making her whole body tremble.
"Turian design," Vega mansplained. "You know, you're kind of funny when you're mad, Lola."
In the silence that followed, even Vega's normally impervious brain noticed that something was amiss. Shepard was, all of a sudden, outwardly calm. "Funny? You think I'm funny?" she said flatly.
Vega plowed his furrow deeper. "Yeah, you know, the way you say 'humping', and getting mad... because... you're kind of...short?" It was possible that by the end of the sentence he had come to his senses, but he hadn't been able to stop his mouth.
"You mean, I'm funny because I'm short? Is that what you mean?"
"No, I mean, yeah, but, 'humping', right? That's just... pretty funny."
"You think I'm here to amuse you, Vega? You think being short is a joke? You think I'm gonna climb up here and fall off like a clown, for fun?"
"Hey, now, I didn't mean anything by it, Commander..." he protested, holding his hands up in surrender.
"So it's Commander, now? What's wrong with Lola? Is Lola the funny one? Come on Vega, how's Lola funny?" She set her shoulders square to him, standing up close where he could feel the cold rage coming off her.
Vega struggled to hold her gaze. He was aware that looking down at her was something she must hate, but looking anywhere else would be suicidal right now.
Shepard grabbed handfuls of his T-shirt, dangerously close to his nipples, and pulled herself up to meet his eyes on the level. She spoke in a low growl. "I once punched a guy so hard his balls ended up in his asshole."
They stood there like that for a long moment, Vega going nearly cross-eyed. Then he burst out laughing. "Lola! Holy shit!"
A grin creased Shepard's face. She let Vega go and dropped back to the floor. "You shoulda seen your face!" she crowed. "Oh, man, we're gonna have to rethink this N7 thing if you piss yourself every time a tiny girl gets in your face!"
"You got me good, Lola!" he roared. "Oh shit!" He doubled over and guffawed.
While he was bent over she vaulted up, pushing off his back with one booted foot, and swiped a packet of noodles from the top shelf. She twisted elegantly and settled gently on the counter. "Ramen?"
"I gotta think of my figure, Lola," said Vega.
She snorted her laughter through her nose and brushed her hair back. She eye-humped him for a contemplative moment. Suddenly, she was ravenous.