Archive of Our Own

When we're reading a story, what's the actual point of having chapters? Each chapter tells a specific arc of a story, but what about the books that have chapters that do not correlate to each other at all?

Which of these categories does life fit in? Are all of life's chapters interrelated with each other? Or do we simply leave behind the past as it is and then go on with the next chapter whenever something bad happens?

... What happens when you decide to close the book halfway?

What if there is light at the final chapter, which never got the chance to reach you?

Isn't this the same with life, as well?

---

"Déjà vu..."

"This place feels familiar, doesn't it?"

"Does it?"

"We've been here before," you muse, "And you know it."

"Do I?"

There's a little smile on his face, a small, crooked one trailing after his rhetorical question which made you a little giddy. The lights from the ceiling illuminate the tip of his nose and his cheekbones, giving a highlight-ish glow to his smooth, caramel skin. His eyes are closed, eyelashes softly pressing against the skin under his eyes. The silvery lights allow you to see every crook and every overlap of the slight wrinkles underneath his eyes and by the sides of his lips, laugh lines paired with the slight dimple on his right cheek, the side that you can see as he lies beside you.

There's a shift in the shine on his face with every passing second, as the planetarium screen rotates and the stars move around, similar to the way you feel your heart race when you look at the beautiful man laying on his back, a hand cupped under his head.

He opens his eyes, turning to the side to glance at you; and his eyes widen just the slightest, mouth agape with surprise that he's caught you looking at him. His expression softens a little when you smile at him, the corners of his lips twitching upwards as he turns back to the stars. There is a steady rise and fall of his chest as he parts his lips just the slightest, in awe, and after so many years with him, you're able to tell that this is a sign of his comfort, that he's relaxed, and that he sees this as a constant of his life.

And really, if you think about it, there are so many constants in life. The skies, the trees, the harsh cold on wintery days, the glaring sun on summer days, and so many things in between these lines.

Constants are important. They're necessary, otherwise, the world's lore would never find the calmness of the cool wind at a beach in a mid-afternoon, or the sweet warmth that a perfectly-done roasted marshmallow feels like.

Kim Namjoon never failed to be that one constant of your life.

...The constant that Park Jimin never was.

Year 15

It's an ugly term to describe the weather, but there's no better phrase for it; it's raining cats and dogs.

It's a downpour, and you own an umbrella; yet it's sitting calmly by the coat hanger at your house because you had underestimated the greyish clouds when you took a peek from your window earlier this morning before getting ready for school.

Your shoes are soaked already, and you've only managed to make it halfway to school when you let out a frustrated groan.

Well, I'm already soaked, I should just make a run for it so I don't get late, you think, making a feeble attempt to keep whatever makeup you'd put on intact by putting an already soaked through tissue over your head as your shoes splashed on the water collected on the ground.

It's after a few moments when you can feel even your socks being drenched, and it becomes hard to run, making you slow down in your pace and you can't help but let out a low sigh, worried about your books and your phone inside your bag. You take a step aside, leaning against one of the walls by a small roof.

The pitter-patter of the shower of rain shows no signs of slowing down, and people pass by in their raincoats, some with their umbrellas, and you feel slightly better when you see that there are some people who are running as fast as they could to escape from the rain too: at least you weren't the only one.

It's while you're thinking about this and smiling a little to yourself, when you hear the loud sound of heavy rain on plastic.

You turn around, and see that there is a boy beside you, bent down a little and breathing heavily, attempting to catch his breath as he holds onto a pale blue umbrella. The wind blows harshly as he finally lifts his head up, his dark hair fluttering as he glances at you with a smile; and you recognize the face from your class.

"Park Jimin?"

"Hi, [Last Name] [First Name]?" He greets back, still catching his breath as a smile forms on his face. "I don't think we've talked yet."

The school year has barely started; it has only been two weeks since high school began for you, and even though you enjoyed the rain a lot, it really was a bother when it rained this heavily when you're on your way to school.

Jimin doesn't have a single drop of water on himself, his uniform and hair and his entire face dry from the downpour, and it surprises you that he's approached you here even though he hasn't spoken to you in class yet.

Well, you hadn't spoken to him either, so you guess it was justified.

And here he was, shading you from the rain...

"Yes, we haven't... Did you run all the way here?" You ask, your attention going to the small dinosaurs printed on his umbrella. Cute. Taking the moment to pause, you open your bag and take out some tissues, and Jimin waits until you start dabbing on your hair to dry it out a bit, before he speaks again.

"I... I wasn't intending to run, but... I saw you getting drenched and you just started to dash off." He chuckles, a soft giggle following that makes you flush. He must have thought you were such a lunatic, using something like a tissue to protect yourself. "And, I... well. I couldn't help it, I had to follow you so we could share this umbrella."

It takes you a moment to fathom what he said, and when you do, you shake your head, raising your arms up into a cross. "No, no it's fine! I'm already drenched, so it's okay!"

"I can't help it. I can't go to school at ease knowing that someone I know is stuck here and soaking. Is that weird?" He asks, and when you shake your head, his smile morphs from embarrassed, to soft. "Come on, let's head together, please?"

Jimin was popular amongst your peers, especially the girls. He has the soft face that makes people coo at how adorable he is, but he is also really good at dancing and looks very attractive when he's in the zone and really into his dance. It's comforting, to see that it's not just his looks and his talents that are heartwarming.

"Also. You're the girl who got the highest grade in chemistry. You're my rival. So we should be friends."

You raise an eyebrow, a smile forming at his words. "Why do you want to make friends with your rival, then?"

"As they say, keep your friends close, and your rivals closer!"

"But, Jimin," you muse, "I'm pretty sure the correct word there is enemies, and not rivals."

"It means the same thing!" He protests, before he takes a glance at his wristwatch. "Oh no! I have to go take the register for class too! Come on, [Name]-ah, stay close, and hold onto my sleeve! We're gonna run!"

Before you can say anything else, Jimin dashes off, and you stare at his figure running ahead, dumbfounded for a second before you hear Jimin's '[Name]-ah, what are you waiting for? The zombie apocalypse?'

This makes you giggle, and you run, catching up to him and holding onto his sleeve as he asked, and the rain is heavy but you don't get soaked anymore - instead, you're having a fun time dodging puddles when Jimin yells out loud for each one, and finally reach school.

The school bell rings while the two of you try to catch your breath, and Jimin hurries to close his umbrella and hands it to you.

"Can you take this with you? I have to go to the teacher's lounge and get the register first."

"Okay."

Jimin gives you a soft wave before he makes his way to the staircase, and perhaps he thought you wouldn't notice, but the entirety of the left side of his uniform is soaked through.

He'd kept you dry while he let himself get drenched for your sake..

➳

Jimin was not just the class president, but he was also the best dancer in your batch.

He was also, like he'd mentioned earlier, your rival in Chemistry; one of his favorite subjects as well.

Also, Jimin was one of those loud people, who enjoyed making a fuss during class - or maybe, the fuss follows him.

He's popular amongst his peers, and they're all outgoing people who greet Jimin loudly, even in the middle of a silent hallway when you two are carrying handouts to class.

It amuses you that a person can be so diverse. He has so many things that he is - a good dancer, a smart student, a caring friend, and an even better human being.

And Jimin is fond of you in a way that is specific just for his rival - as he says.
It's humorous to some extent, because he brings cans of coffee to you during homeroom while you're doing homework, and uses the excuse to sit with you and stare at your notes.

"I can see what your intentions are, Mr. Park, shoo, right now."

"You see right through me. No fair."

On the other times, Jimin enjoys taking the seat beside yours for Chemistry classes.

It's a day close to mid-terms, when you point this out, as Jimin starts taking his stationary out from his bag.

"I mean... You're not half wrong," he admits, "But you see. I started sitting with you so I can leech on your notes but after some time, I decided that it's just fun, being with you."

And that's a sincere remark. You know this well. Because, Jimin scores less than you in every pop-quiz done during the semester, but he still continues to sit with you anyways.

So it's not hard to believe him, and to let yourself be friends with Jimin, whole-heartedly.

➳

As the days pass, you learn that Jimin enjoys talking.

It's a different kind of talking; Jimin is different in the sense that he likes talking about every minute detail of everything you mention, likes explaining each and every part of his visits to noodle shops, and just...

Park Jimin loves details.

When he sees you painting your nails during lunch one day, he'd asked you about which colours you loved the most.

When you told him about your enthusiasm towards foreign movies, he'd asked about which country's movies you'd watched so far, and which language you thought was the fanciest.

He asks about what songs are in your playlists, and what are the names you'd given to them.

Everyday things that you never realised that someone would ever want to know... Things you never even knew of yourself and disregarded; they're asked by Jimin.

There is nothing Jimin will receive from getting that knowledge but he does that; simply because it's specific to Park Jimin, to be content with knowing one tiny thing more about someone he cares about.

As the two of you sit during Chemistry class, you watch as Jimin compares the length of each branch of your drawing of Maltose. You can't help but find yourself looking at him with a soft smile.

"What? Is there something on my face?"

"No. I just wanted to know if we could stop by a bookstore on our way home."

"Sure! I was going to go there myself, to get a textbook for English," He says, handing your paper back to you, "Sometimes, I feel that you read my mind, [Name]-ah. Do you have something you need to buy?"

You don't, really.

But there are people in life who make you understand the value of time.

At home after school, you could lie on bed for five hours, and watch the time pass by idly, but...

When you're with one of those people, five hours walking from school, stopping at a shop, having dinner...

Those five hours pass by so fast, and you can't help but to wish for more time.

Jimin is one of those people.

➳

There's a note that slips from Jimin's wallet when he digs in to pay for the ice cream you two order at a cafe' close by school.

With the people he keeps close, he admits to having blind trust in them.

And perhaps you are one of them, because he asks you to pick it up while he carries the tray of ice cream to one of the free tables and makes you check what it is.

"It's... A love letter?!"

"Ohh, that was the one Juhyun wrote. Oh dear," he gasps, reaching out for the note which you hold out to him, "I need to keep this safe."

Psychology is a weird thing; Jimin is handsome and popular amongst his colleagues, so it is no surprise that he receives such kind of letters, frequently, at that... In addition to the amount of greets he gets from students of all three grades, including his noonas.

But it's in the way he folds it back and puts it back in his locker that makes you feel a little at unease.

"Mayhaps, is it someone you're interested in?"

"Oh, [Name]-ah. It seems like I haven't told you already... I already have someone I am dating."

Psychology is a weird thing, indeed.

"Oh?"

"It's only been a few months, but I actually really like him. He's a hyung of mine."

The weight of his words is heavy. They make you pause right in the middle of sinking your spoon into your scoop of ice cream, and Jimin seems to understand, as well.

You watch with a look of anticipation as he finishes the ice cream he has inside his mouth, and you can sense some nervousness in his moments; in the way he takes his time, reaches for a tissue, wipes his lips with it, and pours out water for the two of you and takes a small sip, before he speaks again.

"Is it uncomfortable, or surprising, for you?"

"Oh, no, no, no, Jiminie!" You shake your head, snapping out of your trance of thoughts, and you watch as the male sighs, leaning his back against the couchy material of his seat.

"I knew you wouldn't. Gosh, I'd been scared to tell you, but now it feels like I worried for nothing." He has to say, taking a bite of his ice cream. "I was blessed with a family that supported me. My Mom was accepting when I said that I swing both ways, and Yoongi-hyung is actually a family friend."

"I think it's brave of you to tell your Mom, too. I probably wouldn't have been able to tell mine, if I was, because my Mom would disown me, immediately."

"That's what happened with Yoongi-hyung."

Suddenly, the atmosphere tenses.

You'd known Jimin for a while now, but you've never seen such a distant look on his face, never in these past couple of months. It makes you put your spoon down, taking a sip of your glass of water as you wait for Jimin to speak.

But he doesn't.

"That's... That's horrible..."

"It is. But I'm happy. Even if what happened with Yoongi-hyung is sad, he is happy with his decisions. He told his parents. He's going on the career path he wants. He is struggling with making money, but he has a job that pays the rent for the little apartment he lives at, alone." Jimin explains, spoon circling the melted ice cream around the still-frozen scoop. "But he is doing what he loves and I am so proud of him because he is so strong."

"Poor Yoongi..."

"Yoongi-hyung is happy, now. He's stubborn to come live with me at my house, so I'm going to move in with him when I graduate. He has sad things and struggles he's faced, but I'm happy to see that he is happy with me. And that keeps me happy too." Jimin has to say. "That's why I need to keep that note from Juhyun, because I have to return this back to her and tell her that I am already seeing someone."

And it baffles you. It baffles you, to see someone so wonderful like Jimin, to know that such a person exists. It restores some of the faith you have in humanity, and, despite psychology being the weird load that it is and making your heart constrict, a little, you're smiling when you wave Jimin goodbye.

➳

"Nooooo, I'm only one mark away from [Name]!" Jimin's whines fill the classroom, when your teacher returns the exam papers from finals. Meanwhile, beside him, Taehyung is staring at the aforementioned male with an appalled expression on his face, as his glance goes from Jimin's 99-mark-awarded exam, then to his paper that has a red '67' at the front.

"You owe me a treat, Park Rival-nim, you promised." You sing, waving your victory sheet in the air. Jimin lets out a loud sigh, shaking his head as he packs his bag while he mumbles 'Next semester will be different, [Name]-ah!' under his breath.

He whines and makes a fuss about it, but he also is fast to hold out his hand for you right after class ends. And you slip your hand through the crook of his elbow before you two dash off - you two have learned the hard way, that the bus is quite punctual in its departure times.

Bus rides with Jimin are a whole other story. It's filled with giddy excitement, because Jimin loves the idea of sharing music.

Sharing music, according to him, is to use his pair of earphones - an expensive gift he'd received for his last birthday courtesy of Min Yoongi - and playing his favourite songs on shuffle.

"Isn't it amazing? In this way, we're one, in the sense that every beat, every note, and every strum of music that occurs throughout this song... We hear it at the same time. So I think there is nothing you can share better than you can share music."

Sometimes, the things he says leave you thinking for days on end, and you realise that what Jimin had said will be what is on your mind tonight when you head home after this trip.

A poke on the male's shoulder makes Jimin pause his music right in the middle of the beat drop of the track he has playing on, and it makes you turn around, along with your friend as well.

There's a young-looking boy who sits behind you two, with big, round eyes and a little scar on his left cheek. He's grinning a little and you see the unevenness of his front two teeth, and for some reason, you melt, when his eyes go wide upon noticing you.

"Oh, Jiminie-hyung. I didn't realise you were out on a- wait. Not a date, right?"

"Oh, Jungkookie, of course not." Jimin takes off his earbud, glancing at you with a smile on his face. "[Name]-ah is.... She's...."

You watch in anticipation at what he has to say to describe you, and the boy blinks at Jimin with the same amount of wonder, as well.

"She's a best friend? Yeah, she's my best friend, but Taehyungie is just one level above [Name] though." He says, before he turns to you with a panicked expression on his face. "Oh, I didn't mean it like that! It's because I've known Taetae for years, since we were really young, and also because we've lived together for a while now, as well. I bet if we lived together, you'd be at the same level as him, too-"

"Oh, Jiminie, you don't need to explain yourself. I understand." You giggle at the panic on his features before turning to greet Jungkook. "Hello. I'm [Last Name] [First Name]."

"My name is Jeon Jungkook!" The boy replies, adding a small salute - which seems like an unconscious act, because he hurries to put his hand back on his lap as his cheeks flush, "It's nice to meet you too, [Name]-noona."

To say that you're soft for the boy is an understatement. When he stands up at the next stop and waves to the two of you, you can't help but wave back. Jimin then goes on to explain that Jungkook was an apprentice at a dance studio he went to, when he was a little younger.

"Also, Jungkook's Mom is two years older than his Dad, so he's really into noona-romance, if you're up for it-"

"Oh, hush, Park Jimin, and play the music again!"

Your relationship - bestfrienship, as Jimin has now named it - with him involves banters, soft conversations, deep secrets, a lot of music, and a lot of dragging each other to places... From the way Jimin was hesitant on getting on the rollercoaster and you dragged him there anyways, all the way to how you are forced to enter the haunted house he was so fond of.

And when Jimin stands in front of you when a man dressed up as a zombie approaches you two, you can't help but say, 'I swear to God. You are unbelievable.'

"Why, why?" He asks, eyes a little wide and shining - you notice, even though it's dark and a little misty from all the fake fog all around. Jimin is bubbling with curiosity and breaking out of the firm act he'd been playing this whole time as your fake guard. It makes you chuckle at what a cute simpleton Jimin could be, with instinct.

"You can't just become the hero like that when you're the villain here!"

"What do you mean, I'm the villain?!" He gasps. " I'm the victim, you made me go on that scary roller coaster!"

"Um..."

Both you and Jimin turn to look at the zombie who is now scratching his head at you two's banter. It makes you two burst out laughing, while you both get kicked out of the haunted house for good.

"You ruined that, [Name]-ah. Now you need to treat me with food to make up for it."

"You ruined it for yourself, though."

Despite having said this, Jimin is the one who pays for your food, and honestly...

Time...

Time goes so fast with Park Jimin.

It's a Saturday that passes by even before you two can get on all the rides in the amusement park, before you've both tried all the snacks at the stalls all around.

Times flies with Park Jimin, and you've lost track of time so much, that he walks you to the bus stop, when he checks the time and realizes how late it was.

Seeing him saying goodbye is a sad part of knowing Park Jimin.

He would wave with both hands, give a big smile, wish you a safe journey - even if the ride is one stop away.

It's sad, even now, as you watch Jimin turning to face you, upon reaching the bus stop.

"Be safe, [Name]-ssi. I had way too much fun today and I still need you in my life." He waves, a smile donned on his face. "Text me when you reach home safe, yeah?"

You want to say thank you.

You want to say the same, that you had a lot of fun as well. That you're grateful he treated you to food yet again, and even let you steal half of his fries... And also cheered for you when you showed him that you can eat a quarter of the humongous hamburger in one big bite.

How glad you were that he urged you to take polaroid pictures with him so that he can keep the memories of today forever, and even given you a copy... How you were thankful that he walked you up to your bus stop like this even though he was heading off to somewhere on the other side of the town, afterwards...

And how he made you forget about the stress waiting at home.

You're so thankful, and you want to say something. Anything. To say his name, to pinch his cheek, to put your arm through the crook of his elbow like usual, and grin at him.

But Jimin's smile is so beautiful, it makes you catch your breath. Your lips part, doing nothing else besides to just stare. It's like the moments you read about in books from the library, the tingly moments they show in dramas with soothing background music... But there's no sound now, save for the few cars passing by, and the sound of Jimin's small giggles as he watches your reaction.

"Oh. There comes the bus. Like I said, be safe, [Name]-ah!" He gives your arm a nudge, and it makes you look away from his crescent moon eye-smiles because...

Just because.

➳

English class was one of your strongest subjects, but Jimin's weakest one. You sit down at your desk and pull out the homework assignment your teacher had handed out last Thursday.

'Describe the most recent moment when you couldn't think of anything to say. Were you having a hard time making conversation, or were you simply dumbfounded?'

You lean against your chair, taking out a new sheet of paper and a pencil, knowing exactly what to write about. Your adventures with Jimin earlier today were still fresh in your head, and perhaps they will be, for a long, long time, even when your hair has gone grey and you can't walk without limping.

And the very fact that his name runs through your head everywhere and anywhere; even when you see a new manhwa on sale, when you find that a new restaurant has opened on the walk home from school, when you're resting your head in the middle of a class, or even now, as you begin to write your assignment...

Realizations can be painful. They break the constants of your life.

The path to a realization can be kind of confusing, like a small leak in your house. The leak will continue, and your rooftop will continue to pile with more and more water with every passing day.

And it's hard to notice a leak against your wall; it's so small that it's negligible.

But the realization needs a trigger; just like the downpour on a rainy day. It rains. It goes on. And the oblivious you will disregard it like any other rainy day...

Until the moment the rooftop fills up with water, and spills inside your house.

And it comes all at once, all the water, flooding your entire house... And that is exactly what a realization feels like.

They distort the regular patterns. They ruin the kind of everyday acts that had been normal things just seconds ago.

And this is why you never really liked realizations, you wanted everything to be a constant in your life.

But, as you write the very first word of your assignment and then glance at the polaroid picture from earlier hanging from the wall... You can't help but feel your heart sink, just a little, your lips parted as you stare at it, unable to speak.

Because you realize this; that you've fallen in love with Park Jimin, today.

➳

Love is like a circle. It's a delicate area that is filled with giddy emotions and warmth; one that, once stepped inside, the overwhelming feelings would take over a good part of your being.

Falling in love is like drawing a line. It's hard to decide where it starts, and when it does, it's hard to see where it ends...

But then. It ends. It's hard but it starts one second and ends the next, just like that.

You're left with a simple realization that, yes, I have fallen in love.

And falling for someone who you will never have...

That is like sitting in a dark room, on your own with the noises of the outside continuously rapping against your head.

It's... nerve-wracking. Maybe what is outside could be horrible, jarring as well.

But you still want to get out... To at least try.

Because it's scary. To sit alone and dwell in thoughts you've thought of over and over again. To wonder, to imagine, to think of multiple 'what if's that may never come true.

And try as you might, you know the outcome would never be good.

But you would still open the door and try to find a way out.

And that... that's what unrequited love is all about: It breaks you.

It breaks you beautifully, because every sliver of hope that you have leads you to reach for the doorknob...

Only to see that your love is like a tangent.

Tangents are sad.

They are so close to the circle, they are right next to it, but...

They can never find their way inside the circle.

➳

You're disappointed.

Perhaps it's yourself that you're disappointed in, because, despite the 'A+' written in red ink at the top of your assignment sheet, it's him who brings it to you.

"What did you write about?" Jimin asks, "I wrote about me listening to 'Never Mind' for the very first time. I swear, when I turn 20, I'm getting that as a tattoo."

You disregard everything he said besides the first question. Your grip is tight on the sheet, and perhaps the fact that you ignored what Jimin was saying makes him not let go of it, an eyebrow raised paired with a suspicious expression on his face as he says, 'Okay, what really did you write, [Name]-ah? You're not being yourself.'

And that's when you realise that, just like you can, Jimin can read you like an open book, as well. The shift in his expressions are something you are familiar with, way too much, but sometimes, you forget that it's the same for him, as well. Despite your pleas not to, Jimin takes a step back, eyes on the sheet as he runs out of the classroom.

Your heart breaks.

Your hands tremble as you watch Jimin run off the corridor, and you know that, even if you run after him, you couldn't catch up to him.

And you want to say you hated him, for doing this to you, but you can't. You're disappointed in yourself. Why on Earth would you write about your feelings for Jimin on an assignment?

Even if it was the truth to the question you were asked to write for, why didn't you make something up?

But the very fact that you would write something sincere, straight from your heart... That was something Jimin himself had mentioned that he loved, about you.

He might love that about you, but now, that very thing was the reason why something you hate so much is happening.

A constant is breaking yet again; A realization is happening.

Jimin will realize your feelings for him.

And the number of constants that will wither away when Jimin comes back...

That has your heart in shambles.

The first constant that breaks is when the bell rings, and Jimin does not return, back to class.

Instead, a student from the adjacent class comes over towards you, taking his backpack from beside your seat, before handing you a sheet of paper.

Your assignment.

The words scribbled in the all-too-familiar handwriting of the person you love makes your heart sink.

'I'm so, so sorry, [Name]-ah.'

➳

The next constant that breaks is the way Jimin skips three days of school.

He returns on the fourth day, and the way he passes by your seat and slips into a desk at the end of the classroom, much further away from you, has your heart hurting so much that it's a little hard to breathe.

But you've learned, the hard way, that once a constant you like breaks, you'll need to do everything you can, to fix it. To get it back to normal. Anything, to get that repeating familiarity back in your life.

And this is why, with teary eyes, you get up from your seat, stomping back to where Jimin is taking out his stationary and placing them on his new desk. You can see the way his eyes are wide as he is interrupted, and even wider upon realizing it's you.

"Did you want to avoid me so much that you'd actually skip school? You, Jiminie. Of all people, you. I know you're not fine, but so aren't I. So please don't be that way." You mumble, hands on his desk.

"I swear, it's not like that, [Name]-ah." Jimin shakes his head, lips parted a little. "I wasn't feeling well, and-"

"God, Park Jimin. Do you hear yourself?" You breathe. "You dragged yourself to school that one time when you had a fever, two months ago, and you passed out and we even had to take you to the infirmary. Are you saying you skipped school because you were sick? What were you sick of, me?"

Your voice is getting a little louder, and you're aware of this as well, but you can't help it. And Jimin has such a sad expression on his face, and you hated that you were like this.

And this is why you are silent when Jimin takes hold of your wrist, pulling you out of the classroom and dragging you along to the fourth floor where people rarely climbed up.

"I can understand you being angry with me, but please know that I had no intentions of ever telling you, because I didn't want to get you upset like you are with me, now. I'm so sorry for being a disappointment."

"How are you being a disappointment? You're not."

"If you aren't angry with me," you demand, "Then why did you avoid me and skip classes just like that? And you didn't even come back to class after you read it!"

"Listen. I'm not angry at you. I'm not. If anything, I'm flattered that you, the wonderful you, would like me. And I thank you for your feelings, but I love someone, [Name]-ah. You know that..."

You knew it well, and that is why you hate yourself, for allowing this to happen.

"I needed my time to think. My immediate answer is no, of course, but... It's you, [Name]-ah. The [Name] that means so much to me. How can I do that to you, when my heart has so much love for you and can see the sincerity of your feelings in what you wrote?"

"I hate this so much..." You mumble, looking away from Jimin's eyes, because it suddenly becomes too painful to do so. God, so many constants were shattering right in front of you, and you clench your fists at the lack of power you have to fix it.

And so, you take a step back, turning around to break one more constant, because at the stage that things are now, getting proper sleep at night would be next to impossible.

"I hope you won't stop me, Park Jiminie."

And you make your way to the staircase, and it takes every ounce of willpower you have to not turn around to look at Jimin... Because if you do, you might do something shameless, like beg for his love, and that's not something that someone as lovely as Park Jimin deserves.

So you walk down the stairs, to your class, where you pack up your belongings, and walk outside, and your heart hurts as you ignore the homeroom teacher who appears in front of you and asks you why you were leaving.

What can you say in response, after all?

And it's while you sit in the middle of your bed later that day at home, that you realise how the tears from heartbreak - any kind of heartbreak - stings the most, because we want everything to be warm; feelings, the weather, all that, but... When tears come straight from the heart, they're warm, and they sting every shred of your eyelashes and throb as they stream down and leave hot trails of tears on your cheeks.

How you wish your friendship with Park Jimin remained as a constant, with nothing having to change, from your end.

Year 20

Some things in life can never remain as a constant no matter how hard you try.

No matter how much you love something, or someone, if you get hurt because of it - repeatedly, at that - then that constant is best broken off from your life.

Some constants are easy to break. If your favourite coffee shop stops making your favourite drink but introduces a new one that you enjoy just as much, it can be easy to break that constant.

Despite the memories attached to it, you have the knowledge that you can make more memories in the future, that makes the breaking of the constant easy.

But some constants shatter you when you break them. Similar to the way every fibre of your being begs you not to, while you had asked for a transfer of schools.

Cutting something you once considered everything, out of your life is a pain that exhausts the simple actions of life such as breathing and eating.

You'd applied to a college far away from home to minimise your chances of meeting Park Jimin... Even though, with every day that passes, you know you can never find love in the same way as you did in his eyes.

Maybe people saw the same look in your eyes. But even with every person you tried to talk to and see if you can date...

Nothing compares to Park Jimin.

It's a psychological process; we tend to compare something good in our lives with everything else, until something better happens.

We say 'Before you Exit is better than One Direction' because it's the best thing we can compare it to. But then, we hear of some better music, and then we rephrase it to 'All Time Low is better than One Direction'.

The gap is wider. The level of comparison is bigger.

It's the same with your life, with every man you'd met as you spent the rest of your high school years and head off to college, and onto your second year there.

Even then, no one is... Jimin.

It's a toxic trait that humans have, and you are no exception.

On some days when you think about Jimin during lectures, your respect for him gets bigger and bigger.

The fact that Jimin respects your decision to part ways...

That makes it hard to have any hard feelings towards him. Even when you know that trying to hate him could make it easier on you, you can't.

It's impossible to hate Park Jimin; there couldn't be any valid reason for it. You might never find it in you to hate him, never.

It takes every ounce of your being to hold yourself from calling Jimin's number that you couldn't get yourself to delete from your contacts... But who were you kidding?

You can recite his number by heart even if you did.

➳

"What are you writing there?"

"It's a song, about how the repeating familiarity of life," Yoongi explains, "Can become toxic for you."

"I'm sure I'm gonna love it just as much as I love your other songs, Hyung." Jimin responds with a smile, reaching for the salad bowl. Life with Yoongi is domestic like this, and Jimin enjoys the repeated, everyday pattern of how he spends his youth with the elder man. Even though he disagrees, to some extent, he knows that what Yoongi suggested was possible, as well.

And the smile stays on Jimin's face for a while, all while Yoongi's eyes remain on the younger male for a bit before his expression softens into a little grin.

"You like everything I write, Jiminie, no matter what the genre."

Jimin hums for a little, thoughts wandering a little as he loosely pours some pepper into the bowl. "I think that, after meeting you, I started liking the sad kinda songs you usually write so much."

"I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing."

The two chuckle, falling back into their familiar domestic routine of early dinner and soft cuddles, and Jimin falls asleep really easily.

It's the last day Jimin can sleep so well, for a lot of days to come.

➳

College gifts you someone valuable: Kim Namjoon.

He is tall, towering over you with dimpled smiles and a lot of things to say about the universe.

Namjoon is a gift from above because, despite the difference in opinions you two have, he respects your tastes - just like Jimin always had - and the two of you are able to have heated discussions about liberal arts; enough for you to lose yourself and feel good about a lot of things you've had to point out.

Namjoon is a gift from above because, as your fellow classmate, and the closest person you have in your major, he urges you to socialise with him. He builds himself a little haven inside your heart, and it's a beautiful constant that you've decided to trust in blindly.

He takes you to a friend's party, claiming that the said friend - who is a dance major - knows how to throw a real party.

And that is how you find yourself sitting in a sundress at the bar, sipping on sprite.

Parties are fun because you meet so many people over a short period of time, and you receive so many good feelings.

This party is different.

It is different in the sense that the selection of music is mind-blowing, Hoseok - who was Namjoon's friend - was welcoming of you....

... And Park Jimin is there, standing beside the guacamole bowl.

Your first instinct is to turn around; to walk outside, to tell Namjoon that you forgot an important assignment, and to go before your heart actually leaps out of your chest.

But time heals.... At least, to some extent.

Your heart still wires sad feelings when it is in regards to Jimin, but even wounds get scabs. And similar to that, everything heals with time, to some extent.

And this is why you find yourself taking a deep breath, walking up to the male and tapping his back.

Park Jimin is so beautiful. There are so many synonyms for that word, but when it comes to Jimin, even you - as a language major - find it difficult, to express your feelings about him in words.

Five years have passed, and the only thing that has changed about him is the color of his hair.

The way his eyes widen a little when he sees you, how his lips part, the way he breaks into a smile, and the admiration he has in his eyes... All that remains the same, and mayhaps, you have some faith in the constants you keep so dearly.

"[Name]-ah.... Hello."

"Hi, Jiminie."

"God. I missed you so much. I saw you earlier, there," he has to confess, pointing at the bar where you had been seated a while back, "And I was dying to say hello, but I told myself I can't, not unless you wanted to see me. And I'm so glad you did."

You'd thought of what would happen if you were to meet Jimin, over these years. You've thought of them, but right now lacks all the awkwardness you'd thought would be present between you two.

And it's a little unfair, how you two take a seat at the bar and take sips from lord know how many glasses of alcohol-free drinks - you two were driving - and it's so easy.

It's so easy to be with Jimin. It's so easy to tell him about your college - which you find is a few blocks away from Jimin's which specialises in performing arts. It's so easy to smile as he tells you that he was scouted by a dance group, to perform songs on television, to choreograph, and that he was slowly taking steps to realizing his dream; to have his very own, famous dance studio. It's so easy to support him, to share that you had a dream as well; to publish a book of your own before you hit your late twenties... to tell him you missed him so much.

"And I missed you too, so dearly. I don't want to refresh the sad memories, I would rather we try to be the us that I missed endlessly. I've never found someone I can talk this way with, all this time, [Name]-ah."

And it's the same with you, and you wish you could tell him this... And you are about to, when two male figures find their way against Jimin's back, one of them draping an arm around the male.

"Jiminie, do something about Kook-ah."

This makes you turn to face the male who spoke - Namjoon himself - and he gives you an opened-mouth smile as he nods at you, nose a little red and showing that he was a little tipsy.

You glance at Jimin, who is now up from the bar stool and helping Jungkook sit down on it, instead. The younger boy looks flushed from the alcohol in his system, cheeks reddened as he blinks really fast when his eyes go from Jimin, to you.

"Oh! I know you!! But..." Jungkook pauses for a bit, slurring his words as he says, "I don't remember this Noona. Isn't that strange?"

"Okay, I need to drive Kookie home. Namjoon-hyung, have you seen Yoongi-hyung?" Jimin queries, and Namjoon nods, pointing towards the front of the house where you see a man chatting next to Hoseok.

"I'll take your leave then, [Name]-ah." Jimin turns to you, cracking a half-smile. "I have your number. Will it be alright if I can contact you?"

"It will be, Jiminie."

You and Namjoon stand by the bar, watching Jimin as he helps Jungkook off from his feet and walk over to where Yoongi is at. You can see the way Yoongi nods instantly after Jimin speaks, and even though it's a little painful to see the exchange, you sigh, thankful that at least Jimin was with someone who loved him so much... Someone who he loved, as well.

➳

It's not hard to understand that you're an important part of Jimin's life.

He contacts you and asks you to have lunch with him the very next day; something you accept instantly, and that is how you find yourself seated in the middle of a busy Japanese restaurant, slurping on udon.

"Tell me about a habit of yours."

It's a habit of Jimin's; to ask questions randomly like that. Sometimes, you wonder if he had picked it up from so many years of living with his friend Taehyung, but for whichever reason, you find yourself thinking hard about his query, for a while..

You could name so many habits of Jimin's, like how he can't help but make a face when there is a camera in front of him, how he cards his fingers along his hair, how he likes to whine when things don't go his way....

But as you are asked about a habit of yours - one that Jimin doesn't know already, at that - you find yourself taking way too much time to answer.

"I... I can't look at people in the eyes when I speak with them."

"Why not?!"

You shrug in response, scooping some noodle soup and taking a big sip. "I think it's just difficult for me to keep eye contact for long."

"I swear to God, one day, I'm going to make you look at me properly when we talk. One of these days."

➳

"Hyung."

"Yes, Jiminie?"

"What inspired you to write such a sad song like this?" Jimin asks, as he lies on the bed and listens to Seesaw... On repeat, for five times, before he unplugs his earphones and turns off the music.

"Well. I think I just have a big imagination."

"This song is so sad."

"Do you like it?" Yoongi wants to know, turning from his swivel chair and glancing at the younger male with an expectant expression on his face.

"I... Yes, Hyung. I liked it. Seesaw got me thinking a lot, and I think that's really amazing of you. To be able to get people to seriously think about something."

".. Thank you, Jiminie. I hope you stay that way, always."

➳

There has only been two times when you'd seen Jimin looking so heartbroken.

The first time was when you said goodbye to him during high school.

The other was today.

It starts out innocent, actually. Jimin is seated in front of you, both of you working on assignments while seated at one of the benches at campus.

It's silent save for the chatter of the students around you two, the noise of the keyboard presses, and the occasional slurping from the mojitos that Jimin had brought for you two when he had stopped by to meet you.

"[Name]-ah, hi!"

You glance at the girl who is standing by your bench, and Jimin also looks up, while the girl - a classmate from History of English - greets you with a wave.

And it's such an innocent query, but when her eyes go to Jimin and says, 'Boyfriend?', you can feel all the color of your face draining out.

All these years and you're not over him. And he's back in your life, but it's a combination of mixed feelings that hurt your heart while you awkwardly shake your head and manage a small chuckle.

Your friend says goodbye and leaves after that, and when you finally look at Jimin, you see such a sad expression on his face that pains every fiber of your being.

"[Name]-ah..."

"Let's disregard that-"

"Even after all these years..."

"Jiminie."

The tears in your eyes fall down when he closes the lid of his laptop, walks over to sit beside you, and then envelopes both his arms tightly around your frame.

You hear him say sorry, and Jimin holds you tight, your face against his chest so that you don't have to worry about people seeing you cry.

Jimin has always, always been that way, after all.

➳

He doesn't bring it up anymore. And you're thankful for that.

Instead, the need for Jimin to know more about you fascinates you.

It's after classes on a Monday evening, and you're sitting at the library where Jimin has dropped by to say hello to you at.

Some things build on their own. Some things start from something else, and some things never change.

It's similar to the way your meeting Jimin has led to you meeting him yet again, and the amount of fondness you see in his eyes never fray.

"What's something about you that I might never know, even if I try to learn about you a lot? Something I can't find out, even if I tried?"

"Hmm, that's a tough question. I have a lot, but I think the biggest one would be my love for constants."

"Constants?"

"Repeating cycles. Familiarity. Things that will never change. I want the things I love in my life to be constants... Like the way you smile when you see me, the way Jungkook always flushes when he bumps into me, the way the strawberry ice cream from my corner store are always, always stocked, and how Namjoon is always up to overanalyze literature with me." You say, and you can see Jimin softening a little at your list. "I know it seems like really petty things, but I really dislike when things change. Repeating patterns keep me at ease because I don't have to worry about it changing my life."

"I know of a song about how the repeating cycle of life can cause heartbreak. Maybe you'll like that song..."

"I disagree, but I'll listen to it, if you send me a link."

"... Deal."

➳

After Jimin had sent you a link to listen to Seesaw, you'd told him about how you still disagree, yet enjoy the song.

'The repeating familiarity is what keeps me from worrying. I don't have to be on my toes all the time about something unprecedented happening.'

Your words repeat in Jimin's head again and again like a broken record. He confuses himself, because he used to believe in your words just weeks ago, but now he's not so sure.

Now, he wonders if the regular everyday routine of his life was getting to the better of him.

Was that the reason why he never was able to aim for something better?

Is his domestic lifestyle and attending a performing arts college enough to build his career, just because it's a place Yoongi recommended and is close to home?

Is the way Yoongi's back looks like as he works on music all day the kind of repeating familiarity that he wanted?

As Jimin sits in the middle of his living room and takes off his shoes after practicing at home, he can't help but to think back to the lyrics of the song again.

He wants to listen to it again. The music file is in his smartphone, along with every other song Yoongi had produced into a track.

It's there, but Seesaw is a song that Jimin skips, right after the first few chords of music begin to play out.

'They asked you to perform a slow song, Jiminie, why don't you dance to Seesaw?'

Yoongi's question from weeks ago hurt him, a little.

Jimin knows that if he listens to the song, it'll sting his heart. For what reason, he doesn't know, but despite Yoongi expressing that it's his favorite song that he's produced, Jimin still refuses to dance to it. He... can't.

It's a suggestion and Jimin is glad that Yoongi had dismissed the discussion after he notices the dancer's discomfort. It makes Jimin sigh as he lays on the floor, playing the soft lo-fi playlist you had made for him; one that contrasts heavily to the kind of music he's been practising dancing to mere minutes ago.

"I brought takeout!" A voice calls, and Jimin sits up, glancing at the hallway to see Yoongi stepping inside with two paper bags in his clutches. There's a scarf wrapped around the rapper's neck, one which he discards after he places the bags on the counter.

It's the same scarf Yoongi has been wearing for the past two years, everywhere he goes; it's a gift from Jimin himself.

"Hyung, you're back?"

"Yes. We started doing the choreography today. I decided I want to have a performance to that song."

And this pains Jimin, as he watches Yoongi take out the familiar two plates that the two have been eating from everyday for the past three or so years. As Jimin gets up from the floor and glances at the chairs, he's reminded about what you'd said about constants, how you didn't want to change things.

But he disagrees.

He disagrees so much, because he sees his reflection from the small mirror on the counter, and he wants to change his hair color. Jimin wants to repaint the apartment with another shade of blue. He wants to try different things at restaurants, and as Yoongi takes out their usual takeout choice - kimchi fried rice and black bean noodles with soju - it stings Jimin's heart a little, again.

When did he change so much?

He is quiet as the older male pours the soju into their glasses and splits the food, and when he takes a good look at Yoongi, Jimin feels a little discomforted, wanting nothing more than to go outside and take a small walk around the neighbourhood.... Or go to eat dinner with you, instead.

His own fraying thoughts worry him, and he knows he can't get proper sleep tonight, staying up way after Yoongi has fallen asleep as thoughts will flood in his mind.

The shuffle is on, in Jimin's playlist, and the bluetooth speaker starts the first couple strums of Seesaw, just as Yoongi takes his first bite of rice.

It's instinct, really. He's been doing that ever since his first few listens on the day of its release. So, really. It's instinct, the way Jimin stands up from the table and hurries to where he has the speaker and his smartphone placed on the coffee table.

The first two lines of the song are over by the time Jimin presses the 'Next' button, changing the music to a cheerful hype song from a group he likes named Shinee.

And it's when Jimin gets back on his seat and twirls some noodles around his chopstick, that Yoongi speaks.

"You have my entire songlist on shuffle, Jiminie, yet you skip Seesaw. Every single time. Do you hate my song that much?

"It's not like that, hyung. I love it. I love it, but it hurts my heart because...It just hurts. I can't get myself to listen to it."

".... It'll be fine, Jimin-ah. You don't have to worry, I didn't write it about us. Isn't this just like the kind of choreographies you create? You dance in pain but it doesn't mean you are really in pain... you just act that part. It's the same for me."

But sometimes, hyung, he wants to say, I'm not just acting.

➳

The fraying thoughts do not leave. It finds its way into the heart and just culminates until you're making decisions you never would have some weeks ago.

Jimin understands this well, and he is aware that even Yoongi has noticed the change of his habits. How Jimin isn't able to keep eye contact for long, how he has started to take showers with him lesser and lesser with every passing day. How disoriented his thoughts are whenever he comes home after going out somewhere with you, how meals with Yoongi seem so much more silent, now.

But it's hard to let go of some things.

Some things have been with you for so long that, even if you know you'll be happier without it, you get afraid. You get afraid, because you have no idea what a life without that thing would feel like. Unpredictable things worry human beings, it's basic human psychology, but...

How could this happen with Jimin, that too, after so long?

And now, even Jimin is aware that Yoongi knows. Jimin knows that all this that started from a single song. A single song that Yoongi poured his heart out to. One that had no relation to his actual life.... But it does now, and Jimin hates himself for this, for allowing this to happen; especially when he knows there are things he can't let go of, no matter what.

It's hard to let go of those things, and it physically pains him as he realizes he doesn't know himself as much as he thought he did.

How he'd thought he'd like the constants of his life, just as you did with yours.

But Jimin has understood now, that he can't like those even if he tried to... At least, not any more.

And as he watches you helping a freshman with a content analysis, he understands what the reasons are and what has lead to this.

Jimin spends the rest of the night crying.

And Yoongi knows.

And Jimin knows that Yoongi is aware, because he can see the reflection of the older man's hand hovering over his shoulder... Only to retrace back and disregard it.

And that breaks Jimin's heart, a little bit more.

➳

It's been a long time since a constant hadn't been broken in your everyday life.

But then... it happens.

It happens one day after classes ended a little earlier than usual. You and Jimin had walked out to the coast, shoes in hand as the two of you walk on the soil and sit down in front of the waves crashing loudly.

Jimin is the cause, this time as well.

"[Name]-ah. You've always been there for me, and you listen when I'm in a pinch. I'm in another one again. Do you have a minute to listen to me?"

"What did you do this time, Jiminie?" You ask in a teasing voice, nudging his arm when he pauses, not responding. There's a half smile on his face as he watches your actions, and then, he turns to look at the way the waves lap around in the sea.

"I... I'm in love.... With you."

His words cause such a shock to you that you turn your head to look at him, alarmed. Jimin doesn't look away from the waves, and it becomes a little hard to breathe because you can see his trembling lips.

"Jimin-ah, what are you..."

"I'm sure of this. Deeply, sincerely. I'm in love with you. I had to take some time to be sure if it's not just pity, and now, I know. It took me forever but it has happened," he confesses, and turns to look at you, "And I wish I could say that, since I've realized my feelings now, I'll never let you go. But... [Name]-ah..."

He pauses, and you see a single tear streaming down from his left cheek as he says, 'Yoongi-hyung needs me.'

It comes crashing down on you, the whole weight of what Jimin is trying to explain to you.

"And I need Yoongi-hyung too, but... I want you."

"Jiminie..."

"And I don't know what to do, because I'm a coward... How can I leave someone who kept on oiling the joints even when our own seesaw broke?"

Something snaps inside of your chest. You're not sure what, but when Jimin wraps his arms around you and pulls your face to the crook of his neck, you find tears spilling down uncontrollably... And you realise how heartbreaking it is to have the person who made your heart break into shambles, give you a shoulder to cry on.

➳

What you hate the most about a constant breaking is that... It doesn't happen on its own.

It comes in a series, breaking three other constants - or more - with every action.

After your trip to the sea with Jimin, it becomes physically painful to talk to him.

So you avoid him.

Jimin's a coward, he's mentioned that before but... So were you.

But five days later, there's a text on your phone that is impossible to ignore.

'I have a party to attend. And I want you to go with me, because when I'm not with you, I could be with hundreds of other people, and I would still feel lonely. It has always been that way.'

➳

The party is grand.

It's something Jimin has invited you to, so you're dressed for the occasion, donning on a pale, red dress that reaches your ankles.

You're aware of the fact that it's a party Yoongi invited Jimin to, and how the male has asked you to come and keep him company, knowing how busy Yoongi would be with meeting his peers.

It's the first time you're going out somewhere along with Jimin after he had confessed his love for you, and you feel like you're on tenterhooks, when Jimin greets you at the front of the building.

And there are many things that make your heart ache; That Jimin looks so handsome, dressed in a deep indigo suit, a lone pink rose secured to his front pocket, and how his eyes widen a little when his eyes land on your dress, and how he breaks into a warm smile when he sees your face.

And that's where you understand the amount of sincerity of his feelings, so you allow him to take hold of your gloved hand and lead you to the party hall.

You meet some of Jimin's friends there, who he greets with happy smiles. Jimin does not let go of your hand the entire time, fingers intertwined with yours and you can feel every minute reaction; whenever Jimin meets someone new on his way and how he squeezes your hand a little to get you to pause, the way his fingers brush against your palm unconsciously as he speaks, and the way his nails lightly grazes on your palm... and you wish didn't decide to put on the gloves because you know that Jimin's hand would feel even warmer than now, if you didn't.

You're quiet as he takes you to the party hall, and you two take a seat at one of the empty tables. A waiter approaches the two of you with glasses of juice which you accept with a nod in acknowledgement.

"It's been five years but you always pick the orange juice, don't you?" You ask, glancing at Jimin's glass.

"I'm a simple person, [Name]-ah. I always have been."

"You're far from simple, Park Jimin. But I'll take that, for now."

This is one of the things you love about him; how he asked you to accompany him to this party because he wouldn't have anyone to talk with.

But here you two are, doing nothing but sit next to each other, either watching the live band play soft music, eat the grandiose dishes that is being brought to your table occasionally, and just... Being with each other.

Perhaps this is another sign that the love Jimin has for you is real, that your feelings are validated even more than it had been five years ago.

It makes you look at Jimin's face while he munches on a piece of bread, and he notices, eyes on you as he raises an eyebrow in confusion.

Moments pass, your heart throbs a little and you can't keep eye contact with him anymore. It never was your best feat, after all.

And then, taking your hand in his, Jimin speaks.

"Why were you staring at my forehead?"

"I was n- How did you know?!"

"I would know. And you told me, sometime back, that you can't look at people in the eyes. And I remember telling you that I will make you." Jimin tightens his grip on your hand as he continues, "So, please? Look me in the eyes, just this once."

When you hesitate, he gives your hand another squeeze as he urges, 'Just for a few seconds.'

That makes you look up from your half-empty bowl of salad, and your entire chest feels a little heavy as you see Jimin looking right at you with a small smile on his face.

And it's contagious. Park Jimin and the way that he is; that is contagious in its own way, because it's impossible not to smile at someone who looks at you as if you're the only person he has his eyes on.

And perhaps you are, and you find yourself looking into his eyes, his shining eyes that make your knees feel a little weak, especially when you can sense Jimin's hand giving yours a soft squeeze.

Maybe Jimin felt all the same ways you felt. Maybe that's why, when you finally have to look away, he stands up, cheeks reddened, as he says he'll go greet some of his friends who have just arrived.

You take a sip of your glass of apple juice, the taste sweet and light, making you hum in appreciation. It takes many moments after he leaves for your heart to stop racing like crazy, and you're glad he's out of sight for a bit.

"[Name]-ssi?"

It's a familiar voice.

It's a very familiar voice, and when you look up from your glass of juice, you see a familiar face, one who holds a hand out towards you as he says 'hello'.

Min Yoongi.

You stand up, bowing a little to him as you shake his hand and greet him. This makes Yoongi shake his head, a hand pointing at the centre of the ballroom where some of the attendees are dancing to songs.

"I was actually meaning to ask you to accompany me to a dance, if you're willing."

And it breaks your heart. Because Yoongi's eyes look just as sincere, his teeth showing, paired with the soft way that he gives you a 'gummy smile' - as Jimin has referred to it as, multiple times - and it's impossible to say no.

It's impossible, to say no to Min Yoongi, because... this is the person who made Jimin so happy, the person he can never leave, and the person who was possibly the root of why your heart cries every day.

So you put your hand on Yoongi's and he leads you to the centre of the dance floor, and his actions are as gentle as he looks; he's careful and lets you lift your dress up a little, eyes going down to the hem your dress to make sure you don't trip.

Your heart is in shambles when the music begins.

"Do you like this song?" Yoongi queries, one hand on your hip while the other holds onto one of your hands.

Your heart aches a little even though your little smile contrasts what you're feeling.

"Yes."

"It's my song."

"I know."

Yoongi raises an eyebrow, a smile forming on his face as he says, 'Oh, you do?'

"Yes. I love 'Seesaw' whole-heartedly, and I wrote a content analysis about it for one of my assignments."

This makes the male purse his lips a little, and when he twirls you around to the beat and faces you again, you see a look of amusement on his features.

"Ah, I feel honored. Did you have a lot to add to it? I'm quite curious."

"I picked Seesaw to analyze for the simple fact that I disagree to it." You explain. "Despite me enjoying the song and thinking it's one of the most beautiful things that the world has, I disagree to it wholeheartedly."

Yoongi's song ends by then, and you are about to remove your hand from his shoulder when he squeezes the hand he is holding, of yours.

"If I can have one more dance with you, I'd like to hear what you have to say about Seesaw."

And you had a lot to say about it, actually.

But was this appropriate? Would Yoongi be interested in your opinion? He's a famous music producer who even sings in some of the tracks he creates. Why would he listen to your basic thoughts?

Despite the thoughts flooding through your mind, Yoongi nods his head, eyes blinking as a look of anticipation colours his features.

The song now is also a slow one, the name which you don't remember but one you've heard of before, in passing.

"Before I start, I hope you understand that I do love the song."

"I would understand, considering you've said so three times in the past three minutes."

So, underneath the disinterested glances and stoic expressions that Yoongi always sports, he seems to have a humorous, soft side, as well.

"Well, the thing is," you start, "I have a preference for things to be familiar. I hate when something that is a constant gets broken. For instance, when I lose a friend, I hate that. When my favourite coffee shop that I'm a regular at, closes down, I hate that. In that sense, I enjoy the repeating familiarity that pairs along with the everyday activities I do."

Yoongi nods, and even as he guides your moments slowly, to the song, you can tell that he's listening.

"I hate realizations because they break the constants that I love so much. If anything changes, it will shatter me. The same applies to love. I would want my love for someone and theirs, for me, to remain constant from day one."

Yoongi had been nodding as you spoke, the entire time, but when you had said the last sentence, he stops responding, doing nothing else except to freeze in his tracks, lips parted a little as he looks at you.

And from the way he continues to stare at you after your words, you can tell that even Yoongi has started to understand how the male that he was dating, felt about you... and him, as well.

It's painful... The way Yoongi takes a few moments to shake his head, slowly leading you to the beat of the slow song, and sighs.

"I understand."

"I... I don't want you to hate me."

"I don't hate you. If I did, I wouldn't be dancing with you." Yoongi responds with a chuckle.

"That's true."

"Thank you." He says, out of the blue. "I think we have some shared resentments but I think we both want the same thing, in the end, right?"

He didn't need to say it.

What you two wanted was the same thing, indeed.

For Jimin to be happy.

"I think you're right, Yoongi-ssi."

The song comes to an end, and Yoongi gives you a nod, the two of you breaking contact instantly and taking a step back. It feels a little awkward now that the music has come to a stop, so you do the only thing you can think of - to bow at the elder male in front of you.

"Thank you."

"No. Thank you, [Name]-ssi. I think I can understand where a lot of things are coming from thanks to you." He responds, giving a curt bow to you before he takes your leave.

The soles of your feet have started to hurt a little now, and you decide to head back to your seat. And when you turn around and scan the room to where you had been sitting earlier, you are confused to see Jimin already back in his seat, his eyes on you.

His eyes don't leave you, unwavering, and the way there is a furrow of eyebrows on his face makes you nervous, holding up your dress a little before you look at the table to take a seat.

"Don't."

"What?"

"I think you should head back home." Jimin says, and it baffles you - it hasn't even been an hour since you'd come here, and it was only 8 pm now. And why does he look so angry?

"What's wrong, Jimi-"

And the same way he'd grabbed your hand when he saw you outside the building, he does the same now as he takes you out as well...

But this time, his grip isn't soft like the last time. It's harsh - if anything - and you can barely catch up with his footsteps, not daring to say anything to make him more upset.

Jimin was angry that you danced with Yoongi - that was your only logical conclusion, because you've done nothing besides that, ever since you've shown up here.

And from the way he glances at you, your long, flowy dress, then back at you, face devoid from any expression, you understand that he dismisses the idea of sending you home by a cab. Instead, he pulls you along with him, out to the street.

It's a little dark, there are a couple lights ahead that have burned out, and the street is a bit dim. It makes you hold your breath, trying to make your pace even with Jimin's as he takes big steps. It's instinct, the way you slowly put your arm through the crook of his elbow as you look ahead. It's a habit, and habits are constants. It's a constant, it always had been, in every phase of your meeting with Jimin, with every time you'd been with him, with every time he'd made your heart race.

And that constant...

It's heartbreaking, how something you'd considered a constant in your life could fall apart in seconds, as easily as it was for Jimin to slowly swat his arm away from yours.

It's heartbreaking, how you'd reached for his arm once more in disbelief, and he repeats the same, this time taking a step ahead and breaking your touch... Confirming, yet again.

And it's also heartbreaking, because Jimin is so angry, so much, that his lips are pressed into a thin line, breathing a little rigid, and one glance at his palms shows that he's making fists, knuckles white as he begins to take a step ahead.

"I'll walk you home."

This is the point where you hate yourself just a little more: Park Jimin, the wonderful Jimin that would always, always do the right thing, would always care for you, even when he's furious and anger burns inside his stomach... He'd be that, and be a continuous reminder that it's not his fault you're crying like the way that you are now, that it's your own fault, that you deserved the way you feel cold and lonely and a combination of hurt and shattered.

The lights of the street are dim, but the light of hope you had is dimmer; barely a flame remains.

➳

Angry Jimin redeems himself three days later, as he calls you out to meet with you at a cafe' nearby your college.

"Hi."

There's something different in the way he greets you, in the way his face has lost some colour, the corners of his eyes a little red and you can tell that he's cried about something.

Oh, how you hoped it wasn't about you, because you couldn't bear him crying as a result of something you did.

He doesn't speak until the orders for the drinks are placed. And he doesn't create a fuss when you say you would pay this time, he doesn't claim that it is obligatory that he does so. He walks with the tray slowly, taking a seat and watching your movements when you take the seat in front of him and take a sip of your latte.

And then, he speaks.

"I hate myself so much, [Name]-ah."

"Jiminie..."

"I don't know what I should do. I know a lot of things I can do to make myself happy but I can't. And that makes me loathe myself, because... How dare I let the frustration I feel, out on the person I love so damn much?"

... And what can you respond, to that?

"What can I do? I want to say that you should find someone better than me, someone, who actually had the braveness to be with the person he loves but.... At the same time, I think my heart will break if you were with someone else."

The tears forming in your eyes cloud your vision and you miss the way it's a little hard for Jimin to breathe, a hand reached up to the bottom half of his face as you hear what sounds like a low sniffle.

"My heart breaks every day, because you're with someone else, Jimin-ah. You will never understand my feelings."

And that's when you finally look up at Jimin, and... he's crying.

Jimin is crying, the tears falling down his cheeks collecting under his chin, and it falls into his barely touched cup of mocha. And it breaks your heart because you can understand exactly what he's about to say even before he does.

"You'll never understand how I feel, either." He mumbles, reaching for the tissue dispenser and pulling out three, and you take the moment to wipe your face with your sleeves. "You'll never understand how I feel to be with someone and wishing it was you, how I'm holding hands with someone else and all I can think about is how your hands would feel like, how I come home every day to see a face that's not yours. It's always you, [Name]-ah, it hasn't always been that way, but it is now, and it breaks me apart every day."

"It's always been that way for me."

Jimin's eyes widen a little, lips parted a little, and both your cups of coffee are cold now, but his hands are warm as he places them over yours, closing his eyes shut tightly that the remaining tears spill down.

"If this was a competition of who has it harder, I can't decide who'd win, and that scares me the most."

"I love you, Jiminie..."

A pause.

"I... I love you too, [Name]-ah."

And this was similar to how you felt when Jimin first expressed his love for you. It's so painful for you that you finish the now-cold, remaining contents of your drink and stand up, wiping your face.

Jimin's eyes follow your actions.

"[Name]-ah?"

"I need to head home."

"Then... I'll walk you home."

You shake your head, telling him it's fine and that you can take the bus from the stop nearby.

But Jimin will always be the Jimin that he was, even five years ago. And he's an even better version of himself, now, one who says 'I will not allow you to walk home on your own when it was me, who asked you to come out'.

It's a confirmation that Jimin walked you home on the day of Yoongi's event because of his values, and because he was... Jimin.

The walk home is lonely. The person you love is right beside you, and the feelings are mutual now, but the fact that the way your arms brush against each other's is the furthest thing you two can ever reach, in this lifetime at least... That fact is lonely and painful to digest.

There is silence as Jimin follows all the way up to the door of your apartment, and you allow him to, simply because his presence, despite everything that hurts you existing, is something you can never get enough of.

Perhaps it's your values, or maybe it was your heart realizing that what Jimin was doing was going to make you ache even more...

Whichever it was, when Jimin leans in and cups one of your cheeks, you can't help it.

"Please don't kiss me. I'm going to start crying if you do." You whisper. Jimin opens his eyes, teary and full of pain that you were sure would reflect from your own ones.

And he's always been that way, he will never do anything to hurt you... At least, not willingly.

So when Jimin wraps his arm around you instead, you find it hard to control the tears from streaming down... But when he presses his soft lips against your forehead instead, it's impossible.

And Jimin doesn't let go, even though he misses his bus and it takes a long time for you to calm down.

And really... That just makes you love him even more.

➳

"Why did you call me out here, [Name]-ah?" Jimin wants to know, as he stands at the edge of the terrace of the performing arts building, leaning against the balcony railing.

He has on a burgundy beret, one that contrasts beautifully with his pastel pink hair. The day is windy and there is a gentle blow on your dress every couple moments.

The word 'nervousness' doesn't even begin to explain how you feel right now.

Perhaps silence answers more things than speaking would, because Jimin has his glance on you, and you can sense that he is breathing a little heavier, an alarmed expression on his face.

"I hate doing this, Jiminie, but I think we should stop meeting each other."

And Jimin responds with silence as well, and you understand that, even if silence can answer a lot of things, it pains a lot more.

"It's just... It's worse to see you, you're worse than seeing someone who I might have dated before. I can talk with them easy like nothing because I don't feel anything for them anymore, but with you.." You trail off a little as you see him taking in an inhale, "I can never talk to you without a part of me always, always, reminding me of how my heart feels about you. I can't even say hello, or ask if you've been well, without wanting you. I always know."

Your fingers tremble a little from the cold wind, and you look down at your feet, not knowing how to respond because Jimin doesn't say anything.

"...And that makes it worse for me. Because a huge part of my heart yearns to see you, but the other cries when I finally do."

At this, Jimin takes a step towards you, his pair of shoes in front of yours. It makes you look up to see his eyes, wavering a little, lips turned down into a frown.

"I can understand, because I feel the same way." He says, voice barely passing for a whisper, and you hated this. You hated to see Jimin looking so upset; and that too, because of you.

But here's the thing; you had always, always been the reason why such sad expressions always appear on his face. Throughout the many years you'd known him, and all the moments where you two spent together, you'd never seen him look as heartbroken as he does when he sees that he can't do anything to help you.

And this time is worse, because... This time, Jimin doesn't say sorry because he loves someone else.

This time, he's sorry because he loves you, and yet, can't be with you.

And perhaps this is why you allow Jimin to take your hands in his, to exchange tearfully sad smiles as he asks, 'I respect your decision, but will you let me say goodbye to you, this time?'

Goodbyes are bittersweet.

Sweet, in the sense that your heart feels overwhelmed and warm when Jimin presses his lips softly on your forehead, wet eyelashes clamped together from all the crying he's done. And you can tell that you're no better, as your nose is pressed against his neck while you allow the tears to stream down.

And even when he looks like his heart is broken and he's lost everything, he looks so beautiful, hands holding onto yours gently as he presses another soft kiss on your cheek. And you know what he wants to do, and you allow him to, because you're selfish and want every bit of Jimin as you can get.

So you close your eyes, feeling him wiping your face with his thumbs before you feel his nose brush against yours. And it aches to have him so close, to have his lips over yours as he kisses you, so gentle and so slowly as if he has all the time in the world.

For all these years, you'd read so much about how kisses with the person you love feel like. How the hearts race, there are fireworks, and giddy feelings are all around.

But it's nothing like the way it feels to have Jimin kiss you, his hands holding on to your cheeks while you have your hands clutching tightly onto his arms.

It's nothing like that, because you find the aching in your heart soften a little, a lot of weight lifted from your heart as you squeeze your eyes shut and allow Jimin to kiss the breath out of you.

And when he moves away, breathing heavily and eyes still closed, you realise why your heart feels so much lighter; now, feels hollow.

And with the hands he has on your cheeks, he wipes away your tears, and then his own as you slowly let go of his arms.

Goodbyes are bittersweet.

But it's mostly bitter, because the soft pat he does on your head makes you want to hug him.

It's bitter because Jimin takes a few steps back, as if to control himself from his overwhelming feelings as well.

And it's bitter, because the last thing Jimin says, right after he turns around and begins to walk away is...

'I love you, [Name]-ah. And I think I always will.'

What did you dream about last night?

This is a prompt from the book, '642 things to write about'.

Why was this question written as an option to write for?

Things to write about are given based on how much it can fuel your mind... Tracing back at first, the minute details like the colour of the shirt you were wearing, and the language you were speaking in your dreams can be quite hard to recall.

But it's while you're racking your brains to remember this, that you'll remember those other facts you'd forgotten about. The flavour of the slushy you'd ordered. How warm the sun was, and the chaos of those fifteen minutes right before the bell rings.

If you think about it, life is just like that.

If we really take the time out to recall something, you'll be surprised at the number of good memories you're able to remember... even if you were in the middle of recalling a sad memory.

And the very fact that a good memory that can make you smile like that exists, in itself... That, in itself, should give you hope.

---

Year 25

"This is the place we came to before we got married."

"So you do remember."

The lights are bright and almost blinding, now. You can hear Namjoon chuckle softly from beside you, the glow making his smooth golden skin shine bright with every change in the brightness of the room. He breathes out slowly, closing his eyes.

"This is the place we came to tell each other about our first loves."

"Yes... Yes, this is that place." You whisper, eyes going back to the rotating ceiling. The stars have now turned to a deep shade of purple, fading slightly to a turquoise blue while the stars scattered all around seem to get larger in size. You can almost feel Namjoon's stare on you now, and you know that his bright eyes will only cause your heart to clench as he speaks.

"This is the place where we made that promise five years ago."

"You remember everything so well, Namjoonie."

"And finally... This is the place where we decided we had no choice but to let go."

It's hard to respond to that.

It's hard, especially when he has such a distant look on his face as he says this. And his features are so delicate, the way his eyelashes move slowly when he blinks, and the little dimple that forms as he smiles a bit, a moment later.

"It's sad to collectively say this, but we've come a long way from what we were like many years ago, right?"

"You're right. We have." You agree, extending your hand out towards the male, who takes yours in his palm, intertwining your fingers together.

And as you close your eyes, you allow yourself to think back to all the mess you'd been through. Of all the crying you'd done, of all the comforting you'd received and the comforting you'd provided for the handsome man who is lying right beside you, fascinated at the change of colours on the ceiling. The childish curiosity he has makes you smile, heart hurting a little as you think of the countless times where he had broken down in front of you, of the time here five years ago when he'd told you about Kim Seokjin, who he loved dearly and never got to be with, similar to the way your fate with Park Jimin had been like.

And while you watch the way Namjoon's lips part a little when one of the stars fly a little closer to him, it's a little painful, because you recall the way he'd always been proud of you for being able to tell Jimin you had loved him.

'It's something I wasn't able to do, and I admire you for that. I can't say that to him now, even if I carry some resentments, because it might ruin his relationship with his girlfriend.'

And that's the kind of guy that Namjoon is, putting other people over his needs. He's like Jimin in some instances, and that in itself makes you a little teary-eyed, at times.

And while you shake your head and turn your focus back on the moving stars on the ceiling, you can feel Namjoon's fingers holding onto yours a little tighter.

And then, the lights over you two become dimmer and dimmer with every passing second, before the entire room lights up again.

"Hey, I think they're knocking on the door because our ten minutes here is up."

The two of you sit up, and you sigh, taking one more glance at the stars rotating around the ceiling. It's fascinating how this whole place is designed... How the stars are so far away, yet feel within reach right now as you look up.

It... reminds you of Jimin.

A lot of things remind you about Jimin, honestly.

And when you glance at Namjoon, you see that he is smiling at you, a fond smile on his face as he has his hand pressed against his chin.

"It's our five year anniversary," he starts, "so I want to ask... Are you happy?"

"I think I am learning how to be happy thanks to you."

"Thank you so much." He responds, giving you a hand which you accept to get up. "I'm happy. I have a lot of regrets in my life, and many things I want to change, but... Despite all that existing, I am happy with the me that I am now... With the me that you helped me be, with the me that can help you be happy, as well."

"Honestly, being with you never fails to amuse me, because there's always the competition of who can say the most beautiful things... And you'd always win."

Namjoon responds with a chuckle, an arm around your shoulder as the two of you go down the stairs of the place.

"I'd beg to differ, you say things that pull at my heartstrings, sometimes, as well."

It's the floor above the ground one, when you and Namjoon spot some classical paintings. It's a little odd to find these at a planetarium, but it still fascinates you two. You follow Namjoon who walks up to the first painting. And all of them are awfully familiar, possible recreations of famous works of arts from before. It's still amusing, and it's quiet between the two of you as you pass by the canvases.

You pause in front of a canvas that catches your eye; it's a monochrome one... At least, it feels so.

It's a garden, a little one, and the painting is made with charcoal ink, the garden spreading out through the canvas.

And what sticks out the most in the beautiful monochrome garden is a sole wildflower that sits in the centre, amongst all the other flowers.

It sticks out, because it's the only one coloured in, the pale purple of the flower painted in softly and beautifully, as if it's the center of the garden. And perhaps it is, and Namjoon walks up to you, eyes on the painting as well for many moments, before he turns to glance at you.

"Please remember this. Even if you forget everything else in this world, even me - which I hope you don't... [Name]-ah, in this life, everything that happens, it will pass. Remember this," he says, taking hold of your hand, "Everything goes."

"And the best remains."

That's a constant of your life. It's like the force that keeps your relationship with Namjoon going, how he would quote that, and you would respond this way, every time.

It's a nice constant, one you would like to continue, for as long as you could, and you loved those few constants in your life.

Old habits die hard, after all.

➳

There's something you learn today, and it's that...

Sometimes, the constants of life don't break... They dim a little.

And you think it's gone for good, but then, it comes back.

And you are reminded of the warmth that it had given you, how much you missed it, and the amount of love you have for it.

And when you see the dark hair of Park Jimin as he stands by the exit of the planetarium, it all comes back.

It makes you halt in your steps, and... so does Jimin, who stops his greet mid-sentence, eyes wide. And it makes you catch your breath, because he's so beautiful, even now, with his hair parted from the middle, and the little crinkles underneath his eyes more noticeable now.

And he'd been greeting the people exiting from the planetarium after the viewing, but even he freezes, lips parting a little before he motions for one of the staff to take his spot.

"... Hi."

Unlike the last time where you were the one greeting him, this time, Jimin greets you, bowing a little at Namjoon, who stand beside you, as well. And you can't find the words to say, until you feel Namjoon lightly tapping on your shoulder, eyes motioning at Jimin.

Of course Namjoon knows Jimin.

When you don't respond, Jimin takes a step aside, and you watch as Namjoon takes your hand and follows where Jimin goes, a little further away from the many people who were exiting the place and leaving good feedback.

"I... I own this planetarium," Jimin says, when you don't respond to his greet., "Along with Taehyungie. My love for chemistry somehow led me to astronomy, and so.... Yes."

"So... Here you are."

"Yes. Here I am."

There is silence for a little bit, and you decide that this was enough, even more than necessary, even. So you take a step back, turning around to head outside and exit.

"[Name]-ah!" Jimin calls, and it hurts your heart.

Time does heal wounds, but when the same wound is prickled at more than once, the scars can be harder to erase.

And that's exactly the case here now, as you clench your fists and see Jimin, fumbling with his fingers, eyes darting from you, to Namjoon, then back at you again.

"I... I want to talk to you... If I'm allowed to, if you're willing."

And you want so badly, to talk to Jimin. He was a constant in your life, but mayhaps, not the kind that you wished he was.

And some things are impossible... Like the way getting over Park Jimin is, and to talk to him now is something you want to do, but can't.

So you take the steps outside, exiting the planetarium, and you're thankful that Jimin doesn't follow you.

But Namjoon does, catching up with you as you two walk towards where he had parked his car.

It's silent as you get inside the car and watch as Namjoon gets behind the driving wheel.

"Listen..."

"Namjoonie. I can't. I want to, but I can't."

"I know it's hard for you but you've come this far, and I know it aches your heart to feel this way. But I want you to go. I sincerely do."

You glance at him, baffled at why he would urge you to go meet Jimin when he knows so clearly well how you feel. "You, more than anyone else, know. You understand me. So why? Why are you allowing this to happen when we're here after all these years, and got married, as well?"

"I mean... We got married for a reason, right? I didn't marry you just to get over Seokjin; But because I know you'd keep me happy. And you have. Similarly, you didn't marry me just to get over Jimin, you did it because you trusted me, right? So I know you'll come back." Namjoon has to say, fingers lightly grazing on the steering wheel. "But it pains me. It pains me because you have so many things left unsaid, and I don't want to see you carry all that weight on your shoulders. Since marrying you, I've starting having feelings for you too, you know."

"Oh, Namjoon..."

"Maybe it's not the same feelings as I do for Seokjin or the ones you have for Jimin, but... It's still a form of love... And it keeps us happy together, doesn't it?"

"It does, Kim Namjoon, and every bit of those feelings are mutual... Okay, Joonie. I'll be back soon."

Namjoon shakes his head, a smile forming on his face as he looks at you. "Don't be. I'll head off, because I know Park Jimin enough to know that he'll offer to drop you off home."

And sincerely... You did, too.

"I know. But I need you in my life, so please stay."

"Alright. But take your time."

It's not difficult for you to promise him that you will.

➳

"Five years," is the first thing Jimin says, as soon as you step foot back into the planetarium. "I feel like five may be our lucky number... Or if it's our unlucky number, I'm not sure. But it really is something."

From where you stand - at the entrance of the now-empty planetarium - Jimin looks so small. Behind him, the hues of the blue walls shine, and the moving ceiling continues to make turns, the glowy stars shining brightly.

He looks so small, standing right in the centre of the huge place, but you see the way he nods slightly at you, motioning for you to come closer.

The action is so small, but you noticed it, because...

It's Jimin, after all.

It's silent, save for the sound of the heels of your slippers as you slowly make your way toward Jimin. And it makes your heart constrict, because, with every step, the vision of the small Jimin becomes more and more, and when you finally reach him, you have to lift your head a little bit, to meet eyes with him.

He had never been small... He was, is, and mayhaps, he will always be a big part of your life.

"My heart will feel at ease if we decide that five is our lucky number, not the opposite." You comment.

It's hard to decide if it's the flashing stars of the planetarium that reflects and makes his eyes shine so much. Whichever the reason, Jimin's eyes are shining, removing the hands inside his jeans pocket and holding a hand out to you.

"You don't need to say it. Because I know. I know that a lot has changed but some things haven't. Both for me, and for you."

"I see that you've been well, Jiminie."

"I love when you call me Jiminie. So many people call me that, but when you do," He has to say, eyes going to your hand which you slowly put on his, "It sincerely melts me."

Some things will never change.

The way Jimin's thumb softly draws circles on your palm hasn't changed. The way his smile becomes noticeably wider when your glance goes from your intertwined hands, to his face, it remains the same, just like it always had been.

"Some things, I don't ever want to change."

"You can look me in the eyes now, that changed for the best."

"Perhaps you're right. Thank you for that, Jimin-ah." You say. The male's eyes disappear into soft crescent moons, cheeks a little puffy as he smiles the sincerest smile of his, shaking his head as he says 'No, it wasn't me, it was you'.

Jimin pauses for a bit, eyes on the floor as he scratches the nape of his neck.

"I learned something over the years, something I really wanted to get a chance to tell you about."

"Which is...?"

"You... You told me about how you like constants, didn't you?"

"I did." You nod, watching the way Jimin's lips form an 'o' while he breathes out and then takes in a deep inhale.

"You like the constants in your life, but... I do feel like you were a hypocrite, at times. A constant couldn't have become on in the first place, if some other constant had not broken to make it possible for the new one to happen." Jimin says, and you give his hand a little squeeze, because...

You've thought of the same exact thing as well, how much you contradicted your own words... But it was just the way you were, and it doesn't seem like Jimin has any problems with that, as he looks at you with nothing but affection.

"I thought you wouldn't forgive me. I didn't think you would come back, after you left, but I was hoping for you."

"I did. And I will always forgive you, Jimin-ah, it's just myself that I won't forgive."

"But," Jimin has to say, taking your other hand in his as well, both hands intertwined between the two of you, "I would rather you forgive yourself and not me... Why can't you forgive yourself?"

Because I fell in love with you, even though I knew.

But there are some things that you will never say, the things that will cause tears to fall from Jimin's eyes, because of you. And he didn't deserve that.

"Just..."

"Is it for the same reason as mine, because I couldn't control my feelings any more than you could?"

And that's another thing that will never change; the way Jimin can read you, not like a book, but as if you were a fairytale he'd read every single day of his childhood. It's just so easy for Jimin to know.

"It is." You respond. And, even though you can look him in the eyes as you speak, now, how can you, after having admitted to that?

"Hey, [Name]-ah?"

You hum in acknowledgement, eyes on Jimin's pair of Puma shoes, and you notice the way the white lines of it has turned a little beige now, from use.

"The last time... That one time, you danced with Yoongi-hyung, didn't you?"

It's a random question, and it makes you raise an eyebrow, taking a couple seconds to actually recall the time at the party Jimin is talking about.

"Ah... Yes, I did."

"I was upset on that day, and I think you knew well, too." He has to say, and you give him a nod. You could never forget the expressions on Jimin's face, on that day, never. "And I understand why, now. I have some resentments about that, and I think I'll feel better if I can have a dance with you."

"Park Jimin, what are you-"

"Just one dance. I have a song I never danced to, one I really love. And in all these days, I could never get myself to dance to it, even when Yoongi-hyung asked me to, said it's his favourite of his, as well... I couldn't."

"Why are you telling me this, Jimin..."

"Because. Now, if you will, I want to dance. To that song. With you." He states, hand reaching into his pocket and pulling out his phone. You watch, baffled, as he presses on a song, putting it into his shirt pocket before he extends out a hand to you. "May I?"

And you recognize the song instantly, it's one of your favorites, as well.

It's a song by Yoongi himself, Seesaw, and that song has always been beautifully painful, just like the way your heart is hurting as you slowly take Jimin's hand.

"But to dance, here, just like this..?"

"You look dressed for a dance, [Name]-ah."

"But you're not." You point out, glancing at the cream-coloured shirt he has on, neatly tucked into his pair of brown skinny jeans.

"I'm a dancer," Jimin has to say, offering you a hand, paired with a soft smile, "I can dance wherever, in anything."

It's odd. It's quite different dancing with Jimin, it's variant from the way you had danced with Yoongi all that time ago, and even the way you danced with Namjoon, as well.

Jimin's touches are tender, in a way specific simply to him, and only him. One of his hands find its way at the small of your back, while the other stays intertwined with yours, gently as he begins to mouth the words of the song.

And you follow his footsteps, trying to match the way he slowly moves, humming the lyrics yourself. When the beat starts to lift up, Jimin squeezes your hand, and you feel hyper-aware... Hyper-aware of the way his breathing has started to increase, even though the song is slow, of the small lines under his eyes, and the way you feel his hand... and then the warmth that every single one of his fingers had on yours.

By the first chorus, you and Jimin are looking at each other while mouthing the lyrics.

By the second one, there are tears streaming down both of your cheeks.

By the final chorus, Jimin envelopes his arms around yours, not moving at all. And he's pressing you against his chest as if he's scared that you'd disappear into thin air.

As you hold onto him and find your tears soaking the front of his shirt, another realization hits you; that the feelings were still mutual, in more ways than one.

You hated realizations for this reason.

Because now, Jimin is crying, and so are you, and perhaps some realizations are better to not have happened at all.

It takes him longer to collect himself than you do, so you wait until Jimin moves away, wiping his face a little and picking up his phone and turning off the music, which has started playing Seesaw again, on repeat.

You are fumbling with your fingers when Jimin takes a seat, down on the floor, and you raise an eyebrow when he pats beside him. And it makes you smile a little because Jimin might have changed a bit, with the way he looks physically, like how his hair is grown out a little, now, how his laugh lines are a tad bit more visible, and how there are small creases on his forehead, as well... But he is still Jimin.

He is still Jimin, in the sense that he can be spontaneous this way, and find solace in something as simple as you sitting beside him in the middle of his planetarium at 11 pm on a Sunday evening. And this is the reason why you do exactly that, crossing your legs and smoothening the fabric of your dress before you glance up at the stars above that Jimin is staring at, as well.

"I never expected that you would run a planetarium, of all things. A dance studio, yes, but... Yeah."

"Who says I didn't open a dance studio, too?"

This makes you turn to face Jimin with wide eyes, and he looks back at you with an amused expression on his face while hugging his knees tightly.

"I'm proud of you, Jiminie. That was a dream of yours."

"It was. And I am living it. So, thank you for being proud." He says, scratching the nape of his neck. "But yes. After we... you know."

You knew.

"Back in college... Yeah. I was upset about a lot of things. And a... A hyung of mine suggested picking up a minor."

"The way you said 'a hyung' seems off. Who suggested it?"

Jimin sighs, shaking his head with a smile.

"I expected no less, you're the one who knows me best, after all..." He has to say. "It was Namjoon-hyung. We were friends in college, till he graduated."

When he sees an alarmed expression on your face, he hurries to shake his head as he says, 'I wasn't able to keep in touch with him, though, after he graduated and... Married you.'

You have no idea how to respond to that, so you sit back in silence, gaze now on the blue walls of the planetarium, with patterns of classical paintings - definitely Taehyung's influence.

"Was it stressful? Having a minor as well? It must have been tiring, since you'd have been exhausted from dancing as well."

There's a moment that passes by with Jimin just looking at you with a fond smile on his face. "Yeah. It was. But I think he suggested it for a reason. I got to focus on something else and actually benefit from it. I remember loving the space chapters back in high school, and there was an opening from the astronomy department, so I took it... And I'm proud of you, too, [Name]-ah. You're living your dream as well; you published a book. It was a rollercoaster ride, just like life is. And trust me when I say this," he says, "You achieved your goal. For proper character development, to not stray, and to keep the reader hooked to the end. I'm so proud of you."

"You... You read my book?"

"Of course I did, and I enjoyed it too. I left an anonymous review at the publisher's site, but yes, I did."

"Jiminie... Thank you."

"I love this... Just, even now, I can freely talk about the feelings and things I'm experiencing, with ease, things I probably could never tell anyone else... And I can listen to you talking about your life as well, and do the same with you. And that's why...I love the me that I am when I'm with you."

You watch as Jimin stands up from the floor, brushing his jeans a little before he holds out a hand towards you. You wonder what you can respond, to that, as you take his hand and stand up.

"I don't have to pretend... I'm not saying I change myself a lot, when I'm with Yoongi-hyung, no. It's not that... It's just... When I'm with him, sometimes, I feel like I'm always on my toes..."

"I think I can understand that feeling, Jimin-ah."

"Yoongi-hyung is amazing," Jimin says, "And so many people would do anything to be in my shoes... But similarly, I would do anything to be in Namjoon-hyung's shoes right now."

Your heart constricts a little as he says this, especially because of the fact that he couldn't get himself to look you in the eyes as he does so.

"I'm not saying that you're less amazing than Yoongi-hyung, no... If that was true, it wouldn't be you who I love..."

"Jiminie..."

"Sorry. I got a little overboard there, didn't I?" He looks at you with a sheepish grin on his face, scratching his head.

"I think I can understand why neither of us didn't invite each other to our respective weddings, you know?" You say, following Jimin as he walks you outside, towards the door. "I think it's better this way."

"I think so too. And I'm not going to be that selfish person who says I'm not happy... I am happy... It's just... I think I'd have been so much happier, with you." He says, pausing in his tracks, in front of the door, to face you. And you can barely stand still, feeling overwhelmed with the feelings as Jimin's eyes shine despite the slightly noticeable frown on his face.

And then, Jimin leans a little closer, so you close your eyes, letting out a soft sigh when he gently presses his lips to your forehead. You can feel his touch lingering just a little bit, the soft skin gentle as he breathes out a little, warm air that sends chills down your spine. And it reminds you, time and again, that the way you can feel your heart thumping against your chest like crazy will probably never leave. And somewhere along the line, you'd accepted this fact.

"I think so too, Jimin. Me too. Sincerely."

"I'm glad... We missed each other's weddings, so instead, I think you and I should go out somewhere, together with Yoongi-hyung and Namjoon-hyung. Us four." He says, and it makes you blink a couple times, instantly making him sense the alarmed expression on your face. Jimin then shakes his head, his lips upturning a little to form a soft smile before he shakes his head.

"Not now, [Name]-ah, not now. Maybe not now, or a time in a very near future. Not just yet, but someday. We have our whole future ahead, right? Maybe someday, we'll be completely fine with that idea, and we can all go somewhere, eat and actually have a good time, without any resentments."

And so, as Jimin walks you to the parking lot where Namjoon waits for you - after he offered to drive you home, as expected - you think of his idea for a while with a clear head. It makes you nod, smiling a little even, as you envision yourself sitting by Namjoon, Jimin and Yoongi in front of you two at a little park on a blanket, and you can't help it.

Jimin was right, after all.

Maybe that really could be a good idea; a helpful one, as well.

"Some day. As long as we can stay this way, then okay." You tell him. Jimin, who has bowed a little at Namjoon, upon reaching the car, then turns to face you, and even though the idea was lovely, your heart hurts because you've never been the best at reading people's expressions; but here was Jimin, looking at you with a smile filled with nothing but love and fondness.

And it has always been, over the ten years you'd spent, in love with Park Jimin.... Five of which he reciprocated the feelings.

And maybe it will be this, for the many years to come....

"Always, [Name]-ah. Always. I'm one of the constants in your life amongst the many others that you love, but... You're the only constant I love in my life."

Constants are important. They're necessary, otherwise, the world's lore would never find the satisfaction of the soothing wave splashes by a lake right at dawn, or what the soft aroma of a freshly baked pastry smells like.

Kim Namjoon never failed to be that one constant of your life.

...The constant that Park Jimin never will be.

Ever.

end.