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He has a friend named Jack Kelly who always says that you can’t find your inspiration by being locked up in your room. He said ‘it’s out there, waiting for you!’ He would bring his sketchpad outside and go anywhere, basically. His work usually turned out to be quite good so no one really doubted his advice.
Racetrack Higgins, on the other hand, has always preferred the confines of his small apartment even if he loved going out with his friends. Others commonly see him as someone who would pull a stupid stunt in any minute and while there’s some truth in that, Race would also say ‘I have layers’. He loved the silence around him when he’s trying to come up with a scene. He loved that the only loud thing he could hear is his brain spewing out concepts. He was comfortable enough to shout out of nowhere or talk to himself when he’s finally thought of something that could pass off as something good. That’s when he would call up people to help create his imagination come to life so that he could piece all the scenes together into one film. He was in love with it. Sure, it got stressful. Sure, he obsessed over it and preferred editing more than sleeping.
In fact, he loved doing it so badly that he was ready to lose his mind, staring at the ceiling for what seemed like hours now.
Nothing was coming to him.
He has done films for different advocacies. He has done passable sad films, happy ones and occasionally did a sort of chick flick thing that was requested by Romeo. He starred in it as well. Race has even done documentaries. His works weren’t the best but he always got feedbacks. He had people telling him to keep producing and he has the support of his friends. He was even messaged a couple of times for a collaboration.
Race always tried to come up with good ideas. If he couldn’t, he tried out the common concepts and added his own little twists to them. Now, he’s come up with nothing. Almost a whole year with crumpled pieces of paper and blank documents.
He pressed the heel of his hands to his eyes and groaned.
“This sucks,” he mumbled.
He turned on his side and reached for his phone, opening it to see a missed call from Jack. He groaned again when he realized that he was supposed to go out with the guys tonight. He called Jack and the other line picked up after the second ring.
“Racer!” greeted Jack. “Where the hell are you? Everyone’s started drinking now.”
He sat up and leaned against the headboard. “Sorry, I lost track of time. Actually, I don’t think I’m up for tonight.”
There was a little commotion from the other line. Race thought he heard Mush yelling. It was almost a minute before Jack spoke again, apologizing for the little interruption.
“Are you sick?” he asked. “I can come over right now.”
“Don’t,” came Race’s quick reply.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing I could handle. Look, everything’s fine, Jack.”
He could imagine Jack trying to hold back from saying something about worrying.
“Do you want to talk about it?” asked Jack.
Race pulled at his hair. “It’s all good, Jack. You should go back to the others.”
“Maybe you need to relax. You must have been locked up in your room for hours, Race.”
“I’m fine, Jack.”
He had emphasized it a little too hard. Race let the back of his head hit the wall at how harsh he sounded.
“I’ll let you be,” came Jack’s response.
Race closed his eyes. “Okay.”
Jack hung up and Race let his phone fall beside him. He felt like such an ass. He felt like he really was one for snapping at Jack when he’s only trying to be a good friend.
He curled up once more, his laptop turned off at the foot of the bed. It had been sitting there since morning and Race remembered pulling up a blank document and his fingers had hovered over the keys. He walked around the apartment even if there wasn’t much space to cover. He tried sitting out in the fire escape and he came back inside to flop face down on his bed.
Almost a whole year with nothing.
Race didn’t even know how he even got into his current situation. He couldn’t remember when he began to think that all the ideas weren’t right. The more he slipped into the unproductive state, the more he seemed lazy, tired and- well, irritated. He hated it and he hated himself for it. He wondered how long his friends have been putting up with him.
“It’s out there!”
He could remember Jack clinging to a lamppost and pointing off to the far distance. It was supposed to be dramatic but he was drunk and Spot called him an idiot.
It’s out there.
Huh.
He turned on his back and stared up at the ceiling. He felt immature for feeling like he’s betraying his normal routine. All (most, really) of the ideas of his videos were created in his apartment. He thought it was like committing a crime on himself.
It sounded stupid in his head.
He pulled himself up into a sitting position and stared at his laptop. It was clear he wasn’t going to get anything done at the moment. He rubbed at his face with a sigh.
After a moment of staring at nothing, he reached for his phone and texted Jack before he trudged off to take a shower, got dressed and left his apartment.
He texted out an apology to Jack and added that he’ll be taking a walk around outside. Jack replied with a short clip of Romeo drunk and singing.
Race did walk around. He went to the park, he checked out stores, he bought himself a sandwich and ate it while he observed passerbys. His non-productivity still nagged at him but he found that it was easier to push it to the back of his mind when he’s wandering around the city. In the end, he found his way to the back of a diner where he caught Jorgelino Josephino De La Guerra (quite a mouthful) just in time as he was taking out the trash.
“Hey, JoJo,” greeted Race.
JoJo smiled at the sight of him. “Hey, man. I thought you were with the others.”
“Did they stop by?” asked Race.
“Specs came a while ago,” replied JoJo. “I suppose he left early.”
“Yeah, things tend to go downhill when they start singing.”
“Specs said the exact same thing.”
JoJo opened the door and stepped inside. “Do you want to stay in the kitchen?”
“Nah,” said Race. “Jacobi will just chase me out.”
“Are you sure?” asked JoJo. “I’m not going to find you frozen to death here, right?”
Race grinned. “I’ll likely get stabbed first.”
“That doesn’t really help but alright.”
JoJo smiled again before he let the door close. Race let out a sigh and leaned against the wall. It’s usually quiet at the back of the diner. He visited the place often because they really did serve good food there and JoJo was fun to hang out with. Race thought that he was the nicest guy he’s ever known. JoJo was in his last year of college, completing a degree in History. He talked about wanting to go around the world someday and maybe teaching. Race often asked to be taken with him on his future trips.
Race sat on the ground for a long while. He had taken his phone out at one point and filmed his surroundings which wasn’t much. If it wasn’t for the lit bulb installed by Jacobi, Race would have been sitting in the dark. He had been panning to the door when it suddenly opened and out came Albert DaSilva, one of the employees of the diner. Race pointed his phone at him.
“You could have frozen to death out here, you dumbass,” spoke Albert.
“Not if I get stabbed first,” retorted Race.
“Don’t joke about that, Higgins.”
He knew Albert because he has been Elmer’s roommate since college. Elmer lived outside the campus at that time and he would bring Albert with him to drink. Albert didn’t go to their university. He didn’t go to college. Race only got to know him after the third time they’ve been in the same party.
Albert DaSilva was hilarious.
“Why aren’t you out with the others?” he asked.
Race tilted his head. “I am out.”
“Alright, smartass,” drawled out Albert. “Why aren’t you with the others?”
Because he’s despairing about his lack of inspiration and productivity.
Because he’s ready to lose his mind.
Because he’s upset at himself.
“I forgot, then I just didn’t go.”
Albert raised an eyebrow. “So now you’re on the dirty ground, waiting for me.”
“Who says I’m waiting for you?”
He grinned as Albert scoffed and snatched his phone from him, ending the video.
“I was walking around,” said Race. “I thought I should stop by and see you and JoJo. It’s been a while.”
“Yeah,” mumbled Albert as he looked up at the sky. “I’ve been worried about you.”
He looked down at Race and rolled his eyes when he saw the smug smile on his face. He lent out his hand towards him and Race took it, pulling himself up. They began walking away from the diner and started out in the street. Albert gave Race back his phone who turned it on again and filmed whatever was around them.
“I have the day off tomorrow,” spoke Albert, shoving his hands inside his pockets.
Race turned and walked backwards, facing Albert with his phone focused on him. Albert raised a middle finger at the camera.
“What about it?” asked Race.
“You’re going to walk into a lamppost.”
He took note of the slight smile Albert had on his face.
“It would be for the sake of art, Albie,” he said.
Albert rolled his eyes and swatted at him. Race turned again and fell into step beside him.
“I was thinking,” began Albert. “that maybe you and I could go up on rooftops or something, maybe check out a few exhibits or talk to strangers so that you could film some stuff.”
In the two years Race has come to know Albert, he knew that the guy was the type of person who would drop his own schedule to be there for someone. He was the kind of friend who always answered a call in the middle of the night or in the early hours of the morning and be at your doorstep in a matter of minutes. He was always up for an adventure. Race knows it because he has been on enough unplanned roadtrips with him and little excursions that always left his mind reeling.
So, maybe he went to the diner tonight because he wanted to just have something to start with, to have an idea. He wanted that stupid inspiration and for some reason, he felt that Albert could help him out with it. And Albert knew. He always knew. Race always wondered how but he was too afraid to ask, expecting that their little telepathy thing would be cut off.
It sounded stupid in his head.
He nodded. “We could go to the aquarium.”
Albert loved the marine life.
“You’re going to oversleep, I know it,” snickered Albert.
They bantered all the way to his and Elmer’s apartment. Race stopped recording when he reached his own home and he set his laptop on the nightstand, took off his shoes and jumped on the bed. He was tired and ready to fall asleep. He only managed to shake himself awake just a little bit to set up his alarm before he let his head hit the pillow.
It turned out that Albert’s prediction would have come true if he didn’t arrive at Race’s apartment around 8 in the morning. He had his own key, Race had given him a copy in case of emergencies. Albert had been the one to turn off Race’s alarm and the one to actually wake him.
It took several excruciating minutes until Race dragged himself to the bathroom and let the shower pull him back to his wits.
They didn’t eat breakfast. Race had nothing in his apartment. They went out, Race’s camera carried by Albert as Race, himself, yawned and grumbled.
“I’m gonna’ shove some food into you first,” decided Albert. “Then we’ll explore.”
Race yawned. “We’ve been all around the city before, Al. We’ve covered every corner.”
“Maybe something has changed since then, Racer.”
Albert’s seeming thoughtfulness about it made him nod and he pulled him inside a deli.
Race recorded whatever he could see. He shot a video of ducks swimming in the pond. He caught the second Albert tripped over a stone. He climbed a tree and reveled at how peaceful it seemed to be so far up and away from everyone and everything.
He talked to people. He asked, laughed and mulled over their answers. Albert was always a little ways off, not too far behind but he smiled or sent a thumbs-up every time Race glanced at him. They walked around, bought lunch and ate on some building’s rooftop. Albert and Race exchanged stories. They visited galleries and museums. They tried to pet every dog they passed by.
They decided to go to the aquarium before going home. Albert was instantly transformed into a child on Christmas. Race filmed around and after a long while, he had to sit down on a bench and let the blue of the aquarium engulf him.
“Do you think you got enough for your next video?”
Albert plopped down beside him and Race shrugged.
“You’re usually gone nowadays,” trailed off Albert.
Race glanced at him. “What do you mean?”
“You don’t go out as much. Elmer says you’ve been missing drinking and game nights.”
Race knew he had refused to go out before but has it been that apparent now?
“What about you?” returned Race. “You’ve been hearing stuff from Elmer so it sounds like you’ve been busy to go out with them.”
“I am busy,” said Albert. “I have work and you know that I’ve been thinking of going to college.”
When they used to all go out together, the others tended to talk about their days in college as if they have been a long time ago. They mentioned names and subjects. They laughed about their own experiences and Albert would lean back in his seat, asking and listening. They would always answer.
Race nudged him. “You should.”
“Really?” asked Albert, glancing at him.
“Really, Albie. We’ve got all the time in the world. It’s never too late for anything.”
Albert raised an eyebrow. “Look at you being wise. What’s gotten into you?”
“Shut up.”
They shared a laugh and turned back to the fishes. Race has been to the aquarium countless of times. He usually ends up there with Albert because the boy was fascinated with the place and its life. Race has enough footage of him talking about the different species. He always had something new to say.
“Are you feeling better?” he asked.
Race hadn’t even thought about it.
Albert knew. He always did.
“Yeah. Lots.”
Race could feel it creeping up on him again. It had been a week since he had gone out with Albert to find some sort of inspiration that could revive him from his inactivity. Race thought he had it but it turned out that a bunch of videos was all he had.
He felt a lot better, he could admit that, but it also felt like he’s supposed to be accomplishing something right now. He had transferred the videos to his laptop but put off watching them. Instead, he found himself binge-watching old films. He thought that maybe he should listen to Spot’s advice these days and submit an application to a company.
This was procrastination at its finest. Almost a whole year with nothing accomplished.
Race felt that it was something more. He was feeling like he couldn’t do anything anymore.
Someone knocked on the door and Race sighed. He paused the movie, set down his laptop and got up with a groan. He looked through the peephole and upon seeing Jack standing in the hallway, he opened the door.
“I left my key at Kath’s place,” said Jack.
Race went back to his couch and Jack followed, closing the door behind him.
It has been a week since Race snapped at him over the phone. They rarely argued but when they did, grudges don’t usually last between them. Grudges were stupid and tiring, in Race’s defense.
Jack picked up his laptop and plopped down on the armchair while Race took up the whole couch and stared up at the ceiling.
“Have you finished the Twilight Zone?” asked Jack.
“Yeah,” replied Race. “I couldn’t sleep so I finished it.”
“Of course, you did.”
“Of course, I did.”
Jack clicked on something and Race heard Albert’s voice through the speaker. He was talking about stingrays.
“You guys went to aquarium again.”
It wasn’t even a question. It was more like an exasperated statement. Everyone knew that if Albert and Race were together, there was a high possibility that they can be found in the aquarium. Race didn’t really mind the place. If anything, it made him calm to see Albert in his comfortable state.
“We went last week,” he said. “He took a day off.”
Jack hummed. “Crutch and I went over to his and Elmer’s apartment but Albert wasn’t there. I suppose he was with you.”
Race could only nod. After they left the aquarium, they didn’t go home immediately. They stopped by the arcade for a few hours and then ate at the park. They separated ways around midnight. They would have gone on a roadtrip if they had stayed any longer.
“How are you two?” asked Jack.
Race could only guess that Jack was looking through the other videos. He could hear his own laughter while Albert was swearing.
“Fine,” he answered.
He felt like the ceiling could drop on him in any second now.
“Really?” pressed Jack.
Race sighed and glanced at him. Jack’s eyes were trained on his laptop.
He chose to ignore his question.
“They’re still the same videos, Jack.”
There was a hint of a smile that appeared on his friend’s face as he clicked again.
“Things change, Racetrack.”
He didn’t ask what that meant. He had a feeling he already knew.
He didn’t show up at the back of the diner this time. He went through the front door and sat down on a stool in the counter. JoJo beamed at him.
“Choosing to live safely now, Racer?”
He shrugged. “I figured it’s easier to be stabbed here inside when the knives are already in the kitchen.”
“I’ll let Jacobi know you’re here,” JoJo played along. “It would make the process easier.”
It was nearing closing time now. There were still a few customers and JoJo was already mopping the unoccupied side of the place. Race figured Jacobi was still in the kitchen, cleaning. He’ll probably be out in a while and Race would talk him into having a free meal. Jacobi always stared him down.
“Did Al tell you already?” asked JoJo, coming to stand beside him.
He shrugged. “Depends. I don’t know what you’re referring to yet.”
“Albert’s going to college next year.”
He found himself smiling quite easily.
“That punk never mentioned it,” he said with a shake of his head. “He just said he’s been thinking about it.”
JoJo nodded. “Yeah, well, he’s thought about it a lot.”
Race thought about it. He’s sure that Albert would study Biology or something close to it. That meant Race would get to hear more terms he would definitely not understand. Albert would be over the moon about it.
“Are you going out to drink then?” asked JoJo as he wiped the counter.
“Will you come?” returned Race.
“Nah. I have an early class tomorrow.”
“Come on, man.”
JoJo only moved further down the counter with a smile. Race was about to say something else when the kitchen door opened and Albert came out, wearing his apron and a towel slung over his shoulder. He smiled when he saw Race.
“What’s up, Racer?” he greeted.
He has a nice smile.
“I’m here for the free food,” said Race.
“Of course you are,” scoffed Albert.
He patted JoJo on the back and leaned on the counter.
“College,” blurted out Race.
Albert nodded. “I told you, I’m thinking about it.”
“You ass. JoJo told me you’re going next year.”
Another smile broke out on his face and Race couldn’t help but mirror it.
“I’m going, alright,” trailed off Albert. “That doesn’t mean I’ll get in.”
“That’s just the humility talking, DaSilva,” teased Race.
“I second that,” piped in JoJo.
Albert shook his head and looked down at the counter. “You’re both terrible.”
It was always amusing to see Albert flustered because it rarely occurs. It’s fun to catch him off guard. Race could see him fighting off a smile.
“You’re going to get in,” Race said, lightly. “It’s inevitable.”
He has that one specific smile which wasn’t too wide or too small but it reached his eyes in a way that they soften every time that it appears. It seemed to border on contentment and something else entirely. When Race is at the receiving end of it, there were times when he would selfishly think that it’s for him only.
What a stupid thought.
“Jacobi can pretend to hate me as much as he likes to but love always wins.”
They left the diner after Jacobi shooed Race away with a bag of untouched food. Race was ecstatic and attempted to hug him but the man rushed back inside his kitchen, telling him to never come again. Albert left with him and they both bid farewell to JoJo who seemed more than fine with cleaning up after the customers.
“You’ve grown on him,” remarked Albert, fixing Race’s beanie on his head.
Race glanced at him. “I’m very loveable.”
“You’re tolerable.”
Albert was the sort of person to come out into the cold without extra layers and tell everyone he’s fine when in reality, he would be shivering and scooting in closer to someone. Race had given him his beanie after they stepped out of the diner. Albert grumbled about it but took it nonetheless.
On the night they first met, Race had lent his sweater to him. He could still remember the look Albert had when they got out of the cab to Jack’s place.
“I’m charming,” he rebuked. “I know you all think I am.”
Albert sighed. “I think you did a hell lot of charming for me to still be your friend after two years.”
Race didn’t know what made Albert stay up to now.
They walked home, continuing conversations. Sometimes, there was just silence and it allowed Race to take in the sounds and scenes around him. His fingers brushed Albert’s once before he shoved his hands inside his pockets.
They reached Albert’s building after a while and Race didn’t mention that his beanie was still on the boy’s head. He wouldn’t notice. He usually gave his stuff back after a week. Race didn’t mind.
“You’ve gone quiet,” spoke Albert.
Race looked up from the ground at him.
He really does have a nice smile.
“Thinking,” he said with a shrug.
“Careful,” teased Albert. “You might actually think.”
Race scoffed at him. “Careful, you might actually get punched tonight.”
“Don’t worry. I still remember the last time you decked me.”
He winced at the memory of it. He had been drunk and Albert had taken his drink from him so he could be driven home. Race couldn’t remember any of it but according to JoJo and Elmer’s account of the story, he kept complaining to go back to the bar and when Jack told him ‘no’, he swung out at him. It was Albert he managed to punch, though.
“Stop putting that over my head,” he scowled.
Albert shrugged. “I have nightmares about it sometimes.”
“Shut up.”
He was nudged to the side lightly and he rolled his eyes. He opened his mouth to tell Albert how childish the move was but stopped short.
There were moments when they are out with the others and Race would look across the room and he’d immediately meet Albert’s gaze. He always thought it must be a part of their little telepathy thing. There were times when before they would separate ways, he would look back just to wave goodbye one more time or maybe just to make sure they’re walking home safely until they disappear out of his sight. Albert would be the one to look back at him. He would smile and Race scolded himself every time he would think that he never smiled at anyone like that except him.
“You know,” began Albert, softly. “When I think about it, it’s sort of crazy that we’re all still the same since we met.”
Are they?
Race knows they look older somehow. They lose sleep, that’s a given. Sometimes, they forget to eat. Sometimes, they lock themselves in their room until they force themselves to get out of their beds or maybe someone will come by to check on them. Sometimes, Race would look at their photos on his laptop and he'd think that they haven’t known each other for decades but it feels like they have.
He still goes to the aquarium with Albert. He still sends him lame jokes and calls him in the middle of the night just because he thought of something to say from a past argument. He asks him if he wants to help him shoot his videos. He still lends him his clothes when he’s too sure of himself that he won’t get cold.
Albert still convinces him to go on roadtrips and disappear for days. He still drops by at his apartment when he hasn’t heard from him lately. He points out awkward angles and forced dialogues while he’s editing. He has always been there to greet him at the diner. He still tells him what he wants to do in college and now that he really is planning to, Race has no doubt he’ll be hearing more from him. Albert still smiles at him in that particular way that he doesn’t know when it started to make him feel like something’s constricting in his chest.
“Maybe something has changed since then.”
And Albert recognized those words. After all, he said them first.
Race tried to stay still despite feeling like his legs would give out in any second now. Albert must know. He always does. It’s their little telepathy thing.
Albert opened his mouth to say something and Race wasn’t really sure what he wanted to hear or if he really needed anything. When nothing came out from the other, Race surprised himself by stepping closer to him. Albert didn’t budge and stared at him.
He was two inches taller. Race always teased him about it and Albert would give some smart-ass reply.
He raised a hand and pulled his beanie further down Albert’s head. He adjusted the sides as well as the back. He’s aware of how tight he’s gripping Jacobi’s paper bag in his other hand. When he was satisfied with his work, he pulled away and mumbled a goodbye.
He walked away and didn’t dare to look back.
Race was sure he would never be able to pinpoint the exact time when it started for him. He thought that maybe it was when he made friends with Jack because he wouldn’t have met Elmer if it wasn’t for him. If it wasn’t for Elmer, he would never have met Albert. Or maybe it’s because he decided to step out of his lonely apartment for a while and join his friends. Race hated to call it destiny or fate. It sounded stupid in his head. He cringed at it.
He didn’t need to think about it anyway.
He looked through every one of his videos. It didn’t come off as a surprise for him. Albert was mostly in every single one. He was in the background, either laughing or doing something stupid. There were others where he’s talking continuously to the camera. Race had even captured ones where he’s looking bored and flipping him off. He also has videos of them in the aquarium.
For once in almost a year, cooped up in the confines of his small apartment, he clicked and clicked on his laptop until he felt like it was enough.
He was close to drifting off to sleep when his phone buzzed on his chest. He rubbed at his eyes and looked to see who was calling. He answered without a second thought.
“You left your beanie with me.”
Race closed his eyes. “I know.”
There was silence from the other line.
“I always wondered if…” came a hesitant reply. “I didn’t know if you- I mean, I wasn’t sure because we’re…”
“I do, Albie.”
There was another silence and Race would have let him hang up or stay on the line if he wanted to.
“Okay.”
Race watched the fishes swim in front him. They were a colorful lot. There were so many creatures to see in the aquarium but he always found himself on his favorite bench in the place to look at the fishes. Albert dropped down beside him with a sigh and leaned against the wall.
“I should apply here,” he spoke.
Race smiled. “I think they’ll just accept you instantly since you’re always here.”
“It’s a good hang-out place.”
He nodded. He didn’t know every animal or plant. He was sure he doesn’t even know half of anything in the place but he thought that it was alright. Albert never really tired of explaining what he knows to anyone. Race glanced at him to see him staring ahead. He looked away.
“You put in such a random title, Racer.”
The video was almost five minutes long. He didn’t check to see if there were any comments or if anyone watched it at all but he got Jack’s text telling him how he’s finally done it. It could mean anything. JoJo had sent him a simple emoji of a turtle. He felt his phone buzz several times in his pocket on his way to the aquarium. He hasn’t read any of the messages yet.
Albert nudged him with an elbow.
“It’s just something I heard,” began Race. “Sea turtles go to new places and they adapt quite well but I heard that they are great navigators so they can find their way back home just as well. I liked that.”
He looked at Albert again and found him looking back. He has that smile again.
“I just wanted you to know,” he mumbled.
Race thought about how complicated it seemed in films and even in his own videos. He thought that there must be some kind of grand confession but there wasn’t. When he thought about it more, it was just him and Albert on rooftops. It was him and Albert getting up in the early hours of the morning, borrowing Jack’s car and driving off to somewhere. It should be complicated but it wasn’t. It isn’t.
“I do, Tony.”
Albert laid his hand on top of his and squeezed. In turn, Race laced his fingers with his.
"Plus, sea turtles are kind of funny looking."
"Shut up, Race."
It was just him and Albert on the spot where they always seem to end up on, surrounded by blue just like sea turtles wandering until they make their way back home.