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Yoongi doesn’t remember how it felt to die. A small step forward, eyes turned down to his feet. A short scream from someone that wasn’t him. The glaring light of a truck in his peripheral vision. The pain in his chest present far before the impact.
Snap
He was sitting on a couch. Nothing too fancy, just something white you’d find in a model of an apartment complex. He doesn’t remember the feeling of dying, but he knew he was dead.
Was this the afterlife?
Seems a bit boring. To start, there was no color. Yoongi sat in a room that looked like it should be bursting with brightness, but instead was in the screen of an old black and white television. The wall in front of him was white, even without the apparent colorless filter in his eyes, and it read, in big, black letters:
EVERYTHING IS FINE
Yoongi frowned. Was it?
The door in the left corner of the room that had gone unnoticed until now, opened suddenly, making Yoongi jump. Out walked a tall, broad shouldered man with pale hair and plump lips. He smiled sweetly at him and gestured for Yoongi to join him in his office. Yoongi, head still drowning in confusion, obliged. He was hungry for answers.
Yoongi walked into the room that he was hoping would have color. He expected to enter it as if he was entering a new dimension, like that old movie The Wizard of Oz. To his disappointment, there was no yellow brick road beaconing his footsteps or a bright green City of Emerald preparing to answer his wishes. It was simply another dull room, with a desk he wanted to be a mahogany brown, not the dingy grey it appeared. Hell, he would have loved it if it was a bright pink or a swirl of rainbow. Anything but this.
Yoongi sat in the chair facing the desk, while the man took a seat across from him and set his intertwined hands on the surface. He waited for Yoongi to say something, as if he actually had anything to say.
“A-am I dead?” He asked, his eyes flickering to the side nervously, as if expecting another answer.
The man laughed brightly. It was such a beautiful, life-giving sound, Yoongi expected color to start blowing up around the room like magic, but nothing of the sort happened.
“I am afraid you are. I’m Jin. I’ll be helping you with your transition into the afterlife.”
“The afterlife,” Yoongi repeated, voice hesitant. Jin nodded. “Is this Heaven? Or is this…” Yoongi trailed off, suddenly nervous that the couple times he was short with people when in a bad mood was somehow enough to subject him to an eternity of burning. Or another punishment. Wasn’t there a place in a Greek myth where ordinary souls just walked around in a field forever? They didn’t live an interesting life, so they didn’t live an interesting afterlife? That would explain the dull setting.
“You are not in Hell, no.” Jin shot down his worry. “While you are in what could be considered the ‘good place’, you are in neither heaven nor hell. No religion got the idea of an afterlife perfectly correct. It has been changing the same as with real life, developing at the pace of the world and at the whim of humanity. You may find your time here to be no different than before, with some alterations considering you’re no longer alive and slight differences in the appearance, as you may have noticed.” Jin gestured around him. Yoongi let out the breath he was holding as the man acknowledged the strange surroundings. At least he wasn’t crazy.
“My time here?”
“One aspect of the afterlife that some people did anticipate is reincarnation. You will eventually get born again into a new life, but how long that will be from now is uncertain. We need to find a place for you on Earth.”
“Okay…”
“I understand your confusion. Everyone who dies has to go through the same stage of transition. It can often be hard to come to terms that you will have no contact with your past life, but you will make friends here.”
“So what do you call this place if it's not Heaven or Hell?”
Jin smiled warmly. “Welcome to Hope World, Yoongi.”
He blinked. “I don’t really get that vibe from this place.”
Jin frowned and looked around, as if it should be obvious that this place is as hopeful as can be. “Why not?” He narrowed his eyes, making Yoongi shrink into himself.
“Because it’s all black and white.” Yoongi said as confident as he could. He wasn’t crazy. There was simply no color.
But, the way Jin looked at him didn’t make him feel too sure of his observation.
“You don’t see all this color?” The older man looked at him with a puzzled expression. Yoongi’s hands were starting to shake, his eyes stinging.
Jin looked at him curiously for a while, his gaze as scorching and focused as sunlight through a magnifying glass. Yoongi squirmed in his seat.
“Is there something wrong?” He asked, not expecting a good answer.
Of course there was.
Another moment of silence passed before Jin seemingly snapped himself back into place, his eyes blinking rapidly as he sat up in his seat, his hands on the desk tensed.
“No! Not at all, I’m sure this is just another small transition that you need to make. My prediction is that everything will be back to its colorful norm through your eyes in a few days.”
Yoongi did his best to believe him.
Jin finally guided him out of what he called the “Introduction Office” and onto a quick tour of Hope World. As he described, it emmenated an average town. They started with his home, a modest apartment building in the center of downtown. There were cobbled streets and large structures with flowers on the window sill. There were shops with bread in the window. He even heard some music from a distant street performer.
But, as cute and simple as it appeared, Yoongi’s attention was not on the scenery.
It was on the people.
The residents walked around with wide eyes, faces glowing with admiration. A couple who walked hand in hand passed him, but they were stopping every couple steps to stare at the sky and coo at their feet. They acted as if Hope World was the most beautiful place they had ever laid eyes on, but when Yoongi looked around all he saw was a colorless town, dark and lifeless.
“Isn’t this place gorgeous?” He heard an older woman say to her partner.
No.
“Everything is so colorful!”
It isn’t.
“I feel like I’m in a cartoon.”
A black and white one?
Yoongi clenched his fist, resisting the urge to press his hands over his ears. Frustration created a fortress in his stomach, building pressure and weight, intent on making Yoongi crumble.
Why can’t I see it?
“This is where my tour ends, I’m afraid. I hope it was satisfying enough.” They were stopped in front of one of the numerous frozen yogurt shops around the town. Jin put on a smile, keen on making Yoongi feel more at home.
Not wanting Jin to feel as if it was his fault, Yoongi forced his lips to curl up. He attempted to say thank you, but his voice betrayed him.
“You will find hope here, Yoongi. You just look to start in the right place.” Jin set a hand on his shoulder and squeezed.
When Yoongi thought he was going to walk away, Jin actually turned on his heel and walked into the yogurt shop. Unsure if he should follow, Yoongi chose to awkwardly stand outside, leaning back and forth on the heel of his foot.
Jin made a swift right turn after the door closed behind him. In the window of the shop, there sat a large table occupied by a group of boys who looked not too much younger than Yoongi. They were laughing together, occasionally lifting some frozen yogurt to their mouth, until Jin approached them. He set his hand on the shoulder of the man who Yoongi was already staring at.
He had black hair parted down the middle, a long face, and prominent cheekbones. When he put a spoonful of yogurt in his mouth, his lips turned into a pout and two tiny dimples appeared. When he swallowed, one of the other men said something and his head dipped to the side in laughter at the same time a hand came to cover his mouth as he did so. Yoongi caught a glimpse of his smile before it was obstructed from view. In a world with no color, he was the brightest thing yet.
But, when Jin leaned down to whisper something in his ear, the smile fell. As achromatic as he already was, his face got paler. The man swallowed deep as Jin pulled away to meet his eyes.
The rest of the group had noticed the change and fell silent. One of them put a hand on the man’s shoulder and looked at Jin questionly, worry already affecting his features.
Yoongi wondered distantly what he had been told that that was so traumatic to hear. They were already dead. Jin’s mouth moved quickly again and the man’s eyes promptly flickered to his left, his gaze out the window and right into Yoongi’s eyes.
His breath caught in his throat. He couldn’t comprehend why the other’s eyes grew wide, or why his face dropped even more. There was too much tension building in Yoongi’s chest, that he had to look away.
He didn’t look up again for a while. He kept his eyes trained on his black shoes and the gray stone beneath them, until he heard a creak of a door opening and felt a hand on his arm.
“Yoongi. I have some people I’d like you to meet.”
Yoongi’s throat burned. “What did you tell them?”
“I just … told them I think they’d like you.” Lies. “They’re new here too.”
When Yoongi didn’t move, Jin spoke up again, this time taking his hand and leading him into the shop with black and white tile floors. Yoongi didn’t stop him. “Everyone here is just looking for their own piece of peace. Perhaps, you will find it in them,” the elder whispered in his ear.
Jin introduced Yoongi quickly before he left, asking the group of boys that they should make him feel welcome here, but everything about the situation made Yoongi feel more out of place. He felt like a child, one that people need to “keep their eyes on.”
He felt unwanted.
There was a loudness to the silence that followed. The group of men fiddled with their hands, all of their eyes eventually flickering to the man Jin talked to before one of them finally spoke.
“It’s lovely to meet you, Yoongi. I’m Namjoon.” He smiled at him. His face was a darker gray than the rest of them. It made Yoongi desperate for color. “Would you like to join us?”
He pulled up a chair so he was facing all of them at once, and listened as the rest of them introduced themselves, trying not to focus on the way they were hesitant with their words, as if dancing over a trigger.
There was Jungkook, whose face carried innocent features and dark hair. There was Jimin, who seemed the most genuine in his introduction, eyes pulled into little crescents when he spoke to him happily. There was Taehyung, whose smile was boxy and radiated warmth.
Finally, it came time for the last man to introduce himself. Yoongi had felt his eyes on him the whole time and he had struggled not to look over until it was the appropriate time to.
“I’m Hoseok. It’s nice to meet you.” He reached out his hand to Yoongi, who took it, ignoring how his stomach twisted.
The man looked at him a second longer before forcing his gaze back to the rest of the group as Yoongi sat down. He did his best to ease into the conversation; he knew there was still a slight haze of discomfort radiating from the other men, but luckily, Namjoon began talking normally.
“Anyway, so I’m working on some new things later today!” He said excitedly. Jimin and Taehyung’s interest peaked almost immediately, both leaning in closer to ask questions.
“Have you got the chorus down?” Jimin said, eyes sparkling with reverence.
“What kind of song is it?” Taehyung asked directly after him.
Namjoon explained briefly to Yoongi that he was working on a song when he was alive and he decided after getting here that there was no reason he should stop postmortem. It was the thing that brought him the most joy and even if not many would hear his work, he would do it for himself.
Namjoon answered both of the boy’s questions, saying that is was a rap and indie song, that he was calling Seoul. He even sang the chorus for them, and his voice was rich and soft and full of love. The way he talked about his passions made Yoongi feel warmth spreading inside him.
The feeling continued when Jungkook’s eyes lit up.
“That was amazing! You know before we died, Jimin and I were singers?” Jungkook exclaimed, throwing his arm around Jimin’s shoulders, who giggled softly and pecked Jungkook on the cheek. He continued talking about their own career in music and all the attention switched over to him. “We were a famous duet,” Jungkook swept his hands as he spoke, his tone sarcastic when mentioning their success. “The two of us were actually on our way to Japan for a small concert when we got in a pretty bad plane crash.”
The young man didn’t miss a beat when he noticed Jimin’s eyes getting sad. He quickly turned to him and pinched his cheeks, smiling as bright as he could for a such a dim topic. “We have to be thankful we can be together still. I couldn’t imagine existing without him.” He turned back to the group, eyes reflecting all the hope in his soul.
However, below the layers of fondness Yoongi was developing for the younger men in front of him, talking about their lives, careers, and interests, there was a distant pang in his chest that he couldn’t place. Yoongi felt like he had his own stories to contribute but when he dipped into his mind to find what sounded familiar, he came up dry. It was like he was behind a elastic wall. He could reach out and push forward, creating a mold of his hand in front of him on its way to the conversation happening, but he wasn’t strong enough to break through. He would put more pressure and it would only knock him back harder, keeping him completely isolated.
He shoved this feeling away for as long as he could, before Taehyung turned to him.
“So Yoongi, what did you do when you were alive?”
His lungs deflated as he desperately searched inside him for something, anything, about his past life, but his mind was an abandoned building. It was riddled with stray papers and built with deteriorating wood and crumbling concrete. He couldn’t remember anything before his death, and even that memory was fuzzy.
He distantly heard Hoseok say Taehyung’s name, his voice acting as a warning, implying that the topic of Yoongi’s past life was off limits.
But, why? What could have happened in his past life that would explain forgetting? Was it something he did that would prompt the avoidance of the issue?
“Hey are you alright?”
Yoongi didn’t realize he was crying. He didn’t feel the tears escape his eyes until he reached up to touch his face and his fingers came back wet. Yoongi looked at Hoseok again, the man’s colorless profile now blurry.
Sucking in a sharp breath, he managed to choke down a sob, the fortress in his stomach cracking a little more.
Just hold out a little bit longer, Yoongi thought to himself.
However, there was nothing he could do about the liquid emotions piling up at the base of his eyes. Gravity pulled his tears from their position and they dropped one by one, leaving warm streaks on his face.
“I don’t remember,” he croaked out. The rest of them stared, unsure of what he meant, but Yoongi wasn’t sure he had the strength to explain the obvious implications.
He didn’t belong here.
He didn’t deserve to be.
That’s why he couldn’t see the cartoonish color that apparently surrounded him or remember his life before. If Hope World was the place for good people, his inability to exist here normally was a sign that he wasn’t one of them.
“I don’t remember my life.” Yoongi’s voice cracked and he had to force his eyes away from the other’s expressions. Whether they were of pity or simply concern, he didn’t want to see.
Yoongi didn’t register Hoseok’s hand on his face, until fingers under his chin prompted him to meet the other’s eyes.
His pupils were a soft brown, but despite what Yoongi expected, they were not filled with concern like the rest of the group. Flaring underneath his iris was pain of his own.
“You don’t remember anything?” Hoseok’s voice cracked worse than Yoongi’s had. He looked like he was walking his own thin line, miles high, one brush of wind away from tumbling off. The knot in Yoongi’s stomach tightened again.
When he didn’t respond, Hoseok took his hand, curling his fingers around Yoongi’s, and began to lead him out of the shop. He gave a quick farewell to the others, one Yoongi hardly heard.
“I’ll take you home.”
After a long walk to Yoongi’s new apartment, a journey where Hoseok never let go of his hand, but simply ran his thumb in small circles over it, Yoongi didn’t want to open the door. If he did, it would be settling into a place he wasn’t supposed to be, maybe even taking away the opportunity for a happy afterlife from someone who deserved it more. He lifted a shaking hand and waited a second too long before Hoseok noticed his hesitancy.
“Yoongi?”
“I shouldn’t be here.” He let his hand drop to his side.
A pause stretched for a couple seconds, before Hoseok let out a sad chuckle.
“None of use do, Yoongi. We all died on accident.”
“How did you die?”
The question came out of nowhere, falling out of Yoongi’s mouth before he could stop it. He didn’t know how long it had been festering in his thoughts, but it seemed as good of a time as any to ask.
Hoseok’s eyes went dark. Instead of responding, he opened the door to Yoongi’s apartment and walked in, gesturing for Yoongi to follow him.
The apartment was modest. It was colorless in Yoongi’s eyes, but it still looked comfortable enough. There was a small kitchen to the right of the entrance.
Hoseok walked towards the fridge, eyes completely averted away from Yoongi, who was shifting uncomfortably. He shouldn’t have asked. Clearly it was a touchy subject, but he still needed to know. How did someone as beautiful as Hoseok end up dying so young? The world was cruel and relentless.
“I’m sorry I asked,” Yoongi ventured, when the quietness had become too loud for his comfort. Hoseok poured a glass of water and handed it to Yoongi before he spoke up again.
“Here, drink this,” Hoseok said, voice weak as he avoided Yoongi’s words. “You should get some rest. It’s not easy adjusting to a life here.”
Yoongi graciously took his offer, not realizing how dry his throat was until now. His eyelids felt heavy, but he decided on asking a different question, not quite wanting Hoseok to leave him alone with his thoughts “How long have you been here?”
Hoseok’s eyes became sad again. He shrugged and leaned against the counter next the fridge.“It must be a couple a weeks now.”
“Do you miss you family?” Yoongi figured that that must be the worst part of being here. You’re alive and conscious of being dead, completely aware that you can never see your loved ones again or even let them know you’re okay.
Yoongi still wanted to remember, but he wasn’t sure if it would hurt more to know, or to remain in ignorance.
“Amongst other people.” Hoseok tried offering him a smile, but it proved too hard to muster. His eyes fell to his feet again and Yoongi’s chest lurched forward at the sight. “What did you mean when you said, you shouldn’t be here?” Hoseok asked quietly, not making eye contact.
Yoongi’s stomach collapsed. He fell to his knees, right there on the cold tile floor and began to cry, pain flowing out of him as if he had just opened an artery in his arm.
“I don’t belong here Hoseok.” Yoongi breathed as deep as he could with the pressure on his chest crushing him. “I don’t remember my life. I can’t see color. This place is supposed to be for good people, but clearly Hope World is rejecting me. Nothing is right for me here.”
Yoongi looked up at Hoseok, who was shocked silent, standing frozen in his position. He looked at Yoongi like he was afraid of reaching out to him, like Yoongi was a fragile piece of glass art that would shatter if he touched it. Little did he know, Yoongi had been slowing chipping away every second since arriving. Hoseok could not put him back together if he tried.
But Hoseok tried anyway.
“Yoongi,” he began softy, sinking to his own knees to set his hand on Yoongi’s shoulder. His touched felt hesitant. “Just because things aren’t perfect yet, doesn’t mean you don’t belong here.”
“Why else would it be like this?” Yoongi demanded. His mouth tasted like salt. “Jin acted like he had never seen anything like my condition before. I’m an outlier.”
“That doesn’t mean-”
“And what if I did something horrible when I was alive? And my mind is just repressing it so it feels like it makes sense that I’m here.”
“Yoongi, don’t say that, you didn’t-”
“But you don’t know ! You can’t know.” Yoongi’s voice broke again and he set his head in his hands, sobbing endlessly. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to push himself out of this nightmare. Eventually, Hoseok pulled him into his arms and Yoongi fell asleep like that, emptying his tears into Hoseok shirt and trying to remember what the color red looked like.
When he awoke, he was in a bed. Somehow in the midst of crying himself to sleep, Hoseok was able to move him from the kitchen floor and to the bedroom. Yoongi was thankful for this, because there was a second of peace he experienced when he opened his eyes where he thought everything was back to normal.
Before he remembered he was dead.
The room he was in was so dark, it was impossible to see if there was any color returned to his sights, but if the fact that he still could dig into his mind and remember nothing before the impact of a truck was any hint, he assumed nothing had been fixed from the day before.
He groaned and rolled over, pressing his face deep in the cushion of the pillow. He wondered how long he could stay like this; putting off the inevitable of facing Hope World, a place that was rejecting his residency. Yoongi was starting to think he may never see the hope that is supposed to be bursting from every inch of this universe. That he was cursed to live knowing Hope World had no place for him. Maybe that was supposed to be his punishment all along.
He could only wallow in self pity for so long without seeing a note neated folded on his nightstand. Just as he reached over to grab it, he heard a hammering at his door.
“Its open!” Yoongi shouted, hoping the noise would carry. He assumed Hoseok wouldn’t have been unable to lock the door on his way out last night and he didn’t particularly want to get out of bed yet.
“Yoongi?” He heard Jin’s confused voice drift into the apartment. He called for the older man once more, so he was able to find his way to the bedroom.
“Ah. I see you’re quite the day sleeper.” The face Yoongi made at him must have prompted him to continue. “Its two in the afternoon.”
“Guess I was tired.” Yoongi sat up in his bed, rubbing the sleep out of his eye. “Did you need something.”
Jin looked at him softly before taking a seat at the foot of the bed.
“Hoseok told me your fears that you were not a good person and that is why you are not fully experiencing Hope World’s charm.” Jin began, treading lightly over the topic. Hoseok must have also told him how Yoongi had reacted to such an idea. “I hope you know that that is not true. Whether you believe it or not, I have a different theory.”
“Which is?” Yoongi looked up from where he was playing with his fingers.
“I have never seen this happen to a person myself, but I know of cases where a person has a rather traumatic death and because of that, they come to Hope World with no memory of what they were before, almost as an act of self preservation so they can go on in the after life without concerning themselves with how they ended up here in the first place. Some say it makes it easier to be reborn again, because they have nothing to forget when it is time to become a clean slate. Others, like yourself, might agree that living in the dark is worse.”
Yoongi was already shaking his head in disagreement when Jin was halfway through his piece. “That doesn’t make sense. A traumatic death? I got hit by a truck, that’s pretty cut and dry.”
“Clearly, nothing is cut and dry about death, Yoongi. Not when there are universes outside of the real world, especially when regarding the afterlife. If you did not have a traumatic death, then there may have been some trauma leading up to your death, trauma that indirectly affected your death. For example, if you were distraught about something, you may not have been caring enough to be more cautious, leading to your fatal hit.”
Yoongi considered his words, thinking back to the limited knowledge of his demise. He doesn’t remember the pain of dying, but he recalls he was somehow in pain before the truck’s impact.
“Perhaps,” Yoongi said carefully. “That doesn’t explain the lack of color.”
Jin hums at his words, thinking carefully again. “My theory involves the true intention of Hope World. This is supposed to be a place of happiness, a piece of peace before returning to the real world. Without your memories, you are similar to that of an empty vessel. All you can recall is death and the feeling of not belonging-”
“Gee, thanks.”
“ -but ,” Jin continued, glaring at him slightly. “If you are able to recall any memories associated with joy, the color of Hope World may return, as it is finally able to give you what it is designed to. Does this makes sense?”
“So if I get my memories back, the color will return?”
“That is my belief, yes.”
Yoongi threw his hands up in the air. “Well that’s just great? Isn’t it? Jin. I’ve tried to remember. Am I just going to be subjected to a depressing death so I don’t remember my depressing life either?”
“Yoongi, you have hardly tried.” Jin raised a finger to stop Yoongi’s impending argument. “You have a choice here Yoongi. You don’t need to remember. You can live life normally here by making friends, working, finding hobbies. Perhaps you find the fear of remembering too great to truly search out a trigger. You may have experienced trauma in your life. But, everyone does. And yet, we choose to live. ”
Jin reached out to squeeze Yoongi’s shoulder in a comforting way. “If you want to remember, despite the pain that may follow, you have to look at greater lengths than what you have so far. You have a whole world to explore, Yoongi. Find feelings of familiarity and follow your instincts. Sleeping all day and forcing yourself to remember will not help. You have to chase your memories rather that wait for them to come to you.”
Jin stood up and straightened the suit he was wearing. “Enjoy your life here Yoongi. Death is as fleeting as life is. Don’t waste your time.”
And with his last comment and not even a proper goodbye, Jin promptly walked out of his apartment, leaving Yoongi to stare at a wall.
The gears in his mind were turning over and over again when his eyes finally flickered to the unopened note on his bedside table. He reached over and opened it, all while thinking about what Jin suggested, that he should search for his memories in places other than just his mind.
I’ll be at the town square around 3pm today. I want to show you something.
-Hoseok
Yoongi read the note a couple times, butterflies fluttering in his chest. Perhaps he should chase feelings of comfort as well and if he knew anything since coming here, he felt comfortable with Hoseok. So, after sleeping for an excessive amount of time considering he was already dead, he finally got out of bed to make himself presentable and make his way downtown.
The townsquare of Hope World was as cartoonish as it could be in its current monochromatic state. There was a place where several roads in the city converge on one roundabout, where in the center stood a fountain surrounded by potted flowers on the ground. Yoongi approached it, already spotting where Hoseok was leaning against the smooth stone, looking around the town with stars in his eyes. He stood next to a small car, parked far enough off the road for other cars to get by, but not close enough to where it was touching the fountain. When Hoseok saw him, his eyes lit up even more.
“Good morning, Yoongi! You ready to go?” Hoseok’s smile was brighter than ever.
“Where exactly are we going?” Yoongi shoved his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt, nervousness building in his stomach.
“Jin told me he thinks your memory might be jogged if you explore a little more, so I want to show you my favorite place in Hope World.”
“You think it might help me remember something?”
Hoseok shrugged with a shy smile coating his lips. “Maybe. Either way, I love it there and I want you to experience something beyond just the town.” Yoongi felt warmth flourish in his chest and he nodded happily when Hoseok began to walk to the driver’s side of his car and Yoongi took a seat in the passenger side.
“How far away is it?”
“Not far. It’s just on the outskirts of town. We’ll get there fast.” When both of them were settled into the car comfortably, Hoseok slammed his foot on the gas and the vehicle took of, weaving its way through small streets.
Yoongi’s head flew back onto the seat. “Jesus, Hoseok. What are you in such a rush for? You trying to get us killed?” Yoongi gripped the center console and what he could on the door to his right.
Hoseok laughed, the noise echoing from out of the car after he rolled down the windows, letting the wind blow swiftly through his hair. “Funny thing about that, Yoongi, is that we’re already dead.” He pressed down even harder on the gas pedal and they took off.
With almost no time, they were on a large country road, out of the danger of small streets, off towards an unknown objective.
Hoseok took out a CD and slotted it into the cars music player. The sound of a beautiful singing voice filled the car and Yoongi had a hunch he already knew who it was.
“Is that Jungkook?”
Hoseok nodded and flashed him a prideful grin. “Namjoon comes in a little later, as well. Jimin and Taehyung do the back up vocals.”
“They’re really good.”
Hoseok snorted in response. “Those boys can do practically anything. Music is the love of their lives.”
Yoongi nodded, recalling how passionate the men seemed when talking about their careers in music.
“What about you? Was music the love of your life as well?” Yoongi asked, trying to make his tone playful, but the true motivation of pure curiosity was not easily hidden.
The younger man took his gaze off the road to look Yoongi in the eye for several long, drawn out seconds. He gave him a small smile and Yoongi’s heart grew in size.
“Something like that,” Hoseok said when he finally looked back at the white road before him. “I was a dancer.”
Yoongi was still looking at him and his eyes grew wider when he spoke. “Really?”
Hoseok nodded, a large smile growing over his face. “Yeah. People said I was pretty good too.”
“I don’t doubt it.”
They drove in silence for a while, but it was welcomed. Yoongi listened happily to Namjoon’s music, growing increasingly surprised at the boy’s natural talent. He laughed loudly when he heard Jin’s voice exit the car’s speakers. Hoseok explained that Jin sometimes joins in for Namjoon’s sake, who apparently claimed Jin has some of the best vibrato he has ever heard. Yoongi agreed wholeheartedly, all while watching the black and white world stretch out before him. In the comfort of Hoseok’s presence, he thought there was still some beauty to be held from it.
“We’re here.” Hoseok pulled over to the side of the road and prompted Yoongi to get out of the car and follow him. Yoongi inspected the scene. There was a small hill with odd little holes peppered in the ground. The side of the hill cut off rather quickly in favor of sloping down into a large cavern where inside lay a lake. Sitting comfortably in the center of the lake was a small island-like structure. Even with Yoongi’s vision, he could tell the area was bursting with color. Although everything was still colorless, there were random patches of different shades of grey on the hill and dripping down the cavern. He had never wanted to see color more than he had right then. He stared at it for a while, before he began to feel like the sight was a bit familiar.
“Hope you still know how to swim.”
Yoongi frowned. “How are we getting to the lake? Are we jumping?” They walked over to the edge of the hill, where Yoongi looked down. It was a decent height from the water. A drop wouldn’t be harmful, it would only be an issue of getting out.
Hoseok chuckled. “Not today, at least.” He began to walk over to the other side of the drop, to a object Yoongi only saw when Hoseok pointed it out. Oddly enough, there was a small ladder going into one of the strangely placed holes, presumably that would lead to the water. Hoseok started to climb down it slowly. Yoongi was cautious, unsure if he wanted to follow, but he thought about what Jin had said. That if he found a feeling of familiarity, he should dig into it. Yoongi felt drawn to the lake, and he couldn’t help but think that it could mean something to him. So, he followed.
Yoongi’s feet touched soft sand when he dropped off the ladder. They were in a small cave inside the right wall of the hole. It acted like a little beach, as the water of the lake was a few feet forward and he could see the other walls of the grotto rise in his view.
Hoseok was already walking forward, ankle deep in the water. He turned back to Yoongi and smiled.
“This is my favorite place in Hope World. I come here to relax and swim. It really captures the beauty of this universe better than any other place and I was hoping you could find some happiness here as well.” Hoseok looked at him shyly, like he wasn’t sure if what he did was a good call.
Yoongi’s cheeks flushed. “It is beautiful. Thank you, Hoseok.”
The younger man let out a breath of relief.
Yoongi dipped his foot in the clear water. The color at the bottom of the lake was a rippling gray, so much so that it almost looked blue. It was the first semblance of normalcy he had seen since coming to Hope World. He lifted his gaze to Hoseok again, who was now waist deep in the water, still wearing shirt, the fabric of which clung to his body. He was smiling, his reflection shimming in the water perpendicular to him.
Yoongi proceeded, unable to resist the urge he had to get closer to Hoseok His deja vu was getting stronger; this scene was much too familiar and he was desperate to unlock his memories, to prove he belonged here and he didn’t do something horrible enough in his past life to subject him to a fate worse than this.
He took small steps forward, the coolness of the water rising from his ankles to his abdomen.
“There you go, Yoongi! See? It’s not too bad.” Hoseok giggled and began to swim around, arms cutting into the water and body sliding through the gap. His movements were graceful as he made his way to small patch of ground in the middle of the lake, occasionally looking back to check on the other man.
“It feels like I’ve… been here before.” Yoongi said, mostly to himself. He wasn’t sure if he spoke loud enough for Hoseok to hear.
Yoongi ignored the way his heart picked up its pace and he continued forward, racing after the feeling of familiarity, until his feet left the safety of the ground and he was floating.
He tilted his body back so he was facing the sky, the current in the water carrying him around. He soon heard water displace and Hoseok presumably climbed onto the island.
“It’s nice isn’t it?” Hoseok asked.
Yoongi had his eyes closed as he nodded, too preoccupied with his thoughts to fully respond. Again, his mind was jumping around, trying to explain why he felt the recognition. It wasn’t until Hoseok giggled and leaped into the water, the splash ringing loudly in Yoongi’s ears and a small wave washing over his face, that he was gripped by panic.
Despite being at peace only moments before, he suddenly was overcome with unexplained fear. Terror wrapped around his throat, like white hot fingers intent on making him choke.
His lungs burned.
Why was this still familiar?
Water was in his ears, in his mouth. There was no air when he breathed.
Images flooded into his mind, taking away his sight in lieu of what felt like memories. Was this how he died?
He flailed forwards, out of the water until his hands found the shore once again, fingers curling in the colorless sand, clutching on for stability. The pain in his chest still didn’t cease. He was feeling everything at once, as if it was happening in real time.
“YOONGI!” The scream was distant and muffled.
Did he ever make it to the shore?
Darkness falling around him.
He couldn’t breath.
Or was it him falling instead?
“Hoseok, I can’t breathe.”
He couldn’t tell how deep he had sunk. He felt dizzy.
Pressure was building in his head, he couldn’t think.
Waves of anxiety crashed onto him as the feeling of drowning took control of his senses. His chest was shrinking, compressing; a squeezing sensation that was cutting off his airflow and sanity.
Shards of light like broken glass cutting the distance between him and the surface. The sun was a shrinking ball, becoming nothing more than a dim glow as his eyes were closing.
He felt heavier with all the water in his lungs.
He was finally remembering something, but it hurt. The memories were opening a long healed stitching in his heart and the built up agony was pouring from the wound without sympathy.
The warmth of Hoseok’s hands came around to cup the back of his head. He looked up, but the only thing he could see was a swampy blackness.
Hands were on his chest, right before he fell unconscious. It was cold at the bottom of the lake.
“Hoseok, I-”
The sounds of sirens woke him up. Red and blue flashed in his vision. A damp cloth tended to the wound on his forehead. He shot up quickly, looking for someone.
Who?
Panic was flowing through his veins faster than the blood was.
“Yoongi? What’s wrong? You’re crying.” Hoseok went to wrap him in his arms, but Yoongi was immobilized. Even in his flashbacks, after all the water was expelled from his lungs, he remembers other pain. A crumbling pain, right where his heart was.
He was sobbing. He couldn’t feel his heartbeat. The world slowed to a stop when he saw who he was looking for, cold and blue.
And lifeless.
“He died.” His vision was clearing up. Hoseok was looking at him, his eyes shining with unshed tears.
“Who did?” Hoseok inquired, but it hardly sounded like a question. More of just an anticipation for the answer.
When he felt his heartbeat again, it ripped through him like a knife. The next scream he heard was his own.
“My soulmate.”
The memories finally stopped punching him in the gut and he was able to reassess his surroundings. Hoseok’s thumb was stroking underneath his eyes, trying to rid him of his tears, but he still felt the heartbreak.
“What did you remember?”
Before he could answer, he let himself cry. Hoseok immediately caught him from falling into the sand. After his first tear broke through, everything inside him snapped in half and the rest came pouring out in an unbroken current, like water seeping through cracks in a glass bowl before the barrier is finally shattered.
“I don’t know!” Yoongi wailed between his words. “I think I was drowning and I lost someone I loved. But I can’t remember him. He was trying to save me.” Hoseok readjusted them, so Yoongi was sitting in his lap, his head on Hoseok’s chest. Tears flowed from his eyes for an indefinite time and he distantly wondered when he would be completely emptied out.
The younger man snaked his arms around Yoongi’s shaking body, creating a barrier for him to let everything out, without fear of spiraling away.
“Shh, you’re fine, you’re okay.” Hoseok whispered, his velvet voice rinsing Yoongi’s body of worry. “You’re with me.”
“I only remember the pain , Hoseok. The feeling of losing him was worse than the drowning was.”
Hoseok ran his fingers through Yoongi’s hair. Silence blossomed between them. Hope World continued to turn quietly and when all the chaos in Yoongi’s mind had settled, nothing felt different.
“It didn’t help. I still can’t see color. Even with my memories back.”
Hoseok hummed in response, pressing his cheek onto the top of Yoongi’s hair. “Maybe they weren’t the right memories.”
“Does it matter? I remembered some of my own life and all it did was leave me more broken. I need to face the truth again,” Yoongi swallowed. “I don’t belong here. I never did.”
Hoseok hushed him immediately, shaking him slightly. “Stop saying that, Yoongi. You are a good person.”
“How can you possibly know that?” Yoongi demanded, desperation taking control of his tone.
“Because I know you.”
“You just met me.” Yoongi’s voice was helpless.
Hoseok breathed out quickly through his nose and his chest deflated in defeat. “Maybe so, but you have to believe me.” He ran another hand through Yoongi’s hair. “Remember what Jin told you? Perhaps if you remember something that made you happy, that would bring everything back to normal.”
“There’s nothing.”
“Yoongi, please , you have to think. Was there anything you remember before the pain?”
Tears dripped slowly from Yoongi’s eyes. He didn’t want to think anymore, but for Hoseok, he tried. He pushed away the feeling of heartbreak, the feeling of water filling his lungs and he thought back as far as he could, looking for any detail in the background that could help him, before his ears landed on something.
“There was a song playing.” Yoongi said softly, feeling Hoseok smile against the top of his head. “Before I was sinking, I remember music.”
“Did you like music?”
Yoongi did not have to think long. “I think I loved it.”
Hoseok crooned softly. Yoongi eventually spoke up again, suddenly curious about something.
“Do you know how to sing?”
Hoseok laughed shortly. “I do.”
The man whose arms Yoongi lay in paused for another second. It sounded like he was chewing the inside of his cheek, trying his best to stop a question that was burning on his tongue.
But, he ended up giving in. “There is this one song I used to sing to the love of my life before I died. Would you like to hear it?”
“What’s it called?”
Hoseok clutched Yoongi even tighter. “Blue side.”
“Did they like it?”
Hoseok gave him a sad smile, the life of which was fleeting, but somehow a little hopeful. “I think he may have even loved it.”
After Yoongi nodded, the song start with a hum, the vibration of it traveling from Hoseok’s throat to Yoongi’s chest. When he began to sing, his voice was soft and smooth, the tranquility almost tangible.
“Inside my blue dream
I want to contain you
Even if you say no
Inside my eyes
Inside my blue dream
I want to hold you
Even if you say we can't
Inside my embrace”
The lyrics washed over like warm water. He was sinking into it the same way as he had in the lake when he almost drowned, but this time, there was no panic. No burning sensation in his lungs. There was only heat spreading from his chest to the tip of his nose and the bottom of his feet and he felt only peace. In the far back of his mind he thought that the song sounded familiar.
It was only when Hoseok repeated from the beginning, his voice cracking over every word, that the realization stole his breath right from his throat. Yoongi didn’t look up, but when he felt cold tears fall on to his hair, he gripped the shirt on Hoseok’s chest harder. His own eyes were stinging, desperate for release, as memories bubbled up to his mind once again.
“Inside my blue dream”
Yoongi waking up next to Hoseok, the light from the window illuminating the golden hue of his face. His scent of freshly washed sheets and holiday candles. Nuzzling his nose into the skin of Hoseok’s neck. His soulmate shivering at the movement, but pulling Yoongi closer, still.
“I want to contain you”
Hoseok intertwining his fingers with Yoongi, bringing it up to kiss his hand. Walking from the kitchen to the living room, belly warm and full. Sinking into the couch with Yoongi in his lap. Kissing his cheeks one by one and feeling the smile grow wider under his lips.
“Even if you say no”
Fighting over stupid things when Yoongi overworked himself or when Hoseok was being too knit picky. Always forgiving each other in the end.
“Inside my eyes”
Watching Hoseok dance. The passion in his eyes rivaled only by the pride Yoongi felt when he did.
“I want to hold you”
Hoseok grabbing Yoongi’s limp body. Somehow underwater, attaching a flotation device to inflate as soon as it was wrapped around his chest. Pushing Yoongi to the surface.
“Even if you say we can't”
Hoseok’s pant leg becoming tangled on something at the bottom of the lake. His oxygen finally running out just as Yoongi was rediscovering his own.
“Inside my embrace”
Yoongi sitting on the floor of his tub, the shower head a few feet up pouring cold water over him relentlessly. Squeezing his legs to his chest, tighter and tighter in an ignorant attempt to push his torment away. Sobs raking his body, the force of them hitting him harder than the truck did a week later.
Looking at his feet as he crossed the fatal road, his last thought before dying was that the world seemed so colorless without Hoseok.
And in death, it still did.
“Back to the Blue Side.
“Blue Side.”
Yoongi shot his head up as the song came to a second end. Hoseok was already looking at him, his eyes puffy and bloodshot.
Yoongi reached up slowly, afraid that his soulmate would leave him again somehow. His fingers shook when they touched Hoseok’s moist face, his thumb stroking across the cheek.
Colors started to glow, spreading from the very spot they sat, as if someone had dropped some blood into a glass of water. The black and white and gray he was cursed to see dissipated at last. The ground they were sitting on became a dark violet. Shades of pink and green and yellow circulated in his view; the sky became a brilliant red. Hope World had its cartoonish charm and Hoseok was here with him after weeks of pain.
“Hoseokie-” Before he could say anything more, Yoongi was being pulled into his arms and together, they broke.
Hoseok gasped between his sobs, wrapping his arms tighter around Yoongi, who was nuzzling his face deep into Hoseok’s neck. Hugging him was like being wrapped in a soft blanket after being buried in snow. Like breathing for the first time.
“I missed you,” Hoseok whispered into Yoongi’s ear.
“Hoseok. I c-can’t believe you’re here,” Yoongi could hardly get any words out without gasping for air. “I’m so sorry I forgot.” He pressed his face into his beloved’s neck, the realization of how hard it must have been for Hoseok to have to watch Yoongi look at him with a blank face hit him hard in the chest, shattering his heart.
“No, no, no. It’s okay. I had so much hope that you would remember,” Hoseok replied, pulling back from their embrace to look Yoongi in the eye and brush a stray strand of hair from his face. “You went through worse, no wonder your mind repressed it.”
“I thought I lost you, I-” Yoongi couldn’t even finish his sentence. Now that he had his memories back, he remembers just how agonizing the weeks leading up to his death was. He had been in a hole so deep, there was no way to bring him out. All those days alone, without Hoseok, knowing it should have been him that died instead, it was too much to bare.
“But you didn’t. I’m here, Yoongi. I’m here.”
Yoongi hadn’t even realized just how starved he had been until Hoseok cupped his cheeks and brought their lips together. He had been drinking nothing but salt water in the middle of the desert for weeks, but when Hoseok kissed him, replenishment entered his soul. He had been dried up and empty. Isolated and alone. But finally, like a flower blossoming in spring, Yoongi’s cold winter was finally over and his world was full of life and color once more.
“Why did you guys act like I was an outsider when I first met you?”
Hoseok and Yoongi lay side by side on the patch of red in the middle of the Hope World lake. Yoongi looked at the dripping colors on the slopes of the cavern, while Hoseok cringed next to him. Whether out of regret or unfondeness, Yoongi didn’t know.
“Jin told us before he introduced you that he had a suspicion you wouldn’t have your memory, so everyone was nervous to bring anything up related to your past,” Hoseok explained. “They all knew of you from the stories I told. Mostly they were worried about me rather than you. Taehyung finally asked to see if it was true, so I apologize on his behalf. I realize that must have been hard for you.”
Yoongi snorted and scooted closer to Hoseok. He had not left his side in the couple days since he remembered everything. “But you had to sit and pretend like you didn’t know me! That had to have been worse.”
“I’m just happy to have you back,” Hoseok said happily, giddiness dripping from every syllable. He pulled Yoongi in close and pressed a sloppy kiss to Yoongi’s cheek, one that was welcomed by the other, and leaned his head on Yoongi’s shoulder.
“How long do you think we will be here?” Yoongi asked, staring at the orange crescent moon in the blood red sky.
“You anxious to leave?”
He wasn’t. But, ever since being reunited with Hoseok, he couldn’t stop thinking about what Jin said when he got here, that eventually people will be born again into a new life.
Hope World was only temporary.
“I’m just afraid of not being with you,” Yoongi admitted, a little shy in his confession, but it was one that was nothing except the truth.
Hoseok hummed. “You know, when I wrote Blue Side, it was supposed to be a nostalgic song. It’s about how I sometimes wish I could go back to when I didn’t know anything, about wanting to go back in the past when I was innocent.” Hoseok interlaced their fingers. “That reminds me of us eventually leaving Hope World. When our time here is over, we will become a clean slate.”
Blue side is a song of bittersweet happiness. Because all the best things are short-lived, you can listen to it as a sad ending of something great and fleeting. Or, you can listen to it as a transition for what comes next, like living a whole other life, with infinite possibilities. And that’s the way I am choosing to look at it.”
Hoseok turned his head, so he could look at Yoongi. “You always said you never feared death. So there’s no reason to fear life either.”
Yoongi sighed. “Still doesn’t make me want to live without you, but go off I guess.”
Hoseok laughed, a noise that Yoongi missed, without even realizing he missed it until he had it back. He brought Yoongi’s hand up to his mouth to press a chaste kiss to the back of it. An orange airplane flew overhead.
“Don’t worry about us. I died trying to save you and yet we still ended up together again. Soulmates always find their way back to each other in the end.”