Chapter Text
‘Godammit, Stark!’ Erik swore for what had to be the two-hundredth time in the last twenty-four hours.
Tony, unfortunately, wasn’t feeling all that charitable himself. ‘Hey, is it my fault that the love of my life ditched the secretly-GPS-enabled signet ring that I gave him for his birthday with the promise that he never take it off?’ he demanded irritably, glaring. ‘No, I think not, so watch who you’re barking at here, Lehnsherr. Or did your telepathic little darling have a GPS tracker I don’t know about stowed away somewhere on his attractive, treacherous little person?’
‘No,’ Erik admitted reluctantly. It certainly hadn’t been for lack of trying, though. ‘He has a family ring that he likes to wear but even if he had it on him I couldn’t track it from this distance.’
‘Well then you’re just all kinds of useful, aren’t you?’ Tony said sarcastically.
Erik’s eyes narrowed. ‘Says the idiot who can’t even manage to have his boyfriend keep his tracker with him at all times!’ he growled.
‘Says the asshole who can’t even manage to plant a tracker on his boyfriend in the first place!’ Tony retorted, narrowing his own eyes in return.
‘Charles is a telepath!’ Erik hissed in protest, his cheeks reddening. ‘Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep things a secret from him?’
‘Well clearly he didn’t have the same problem,’ Tony drawled out bitingly. ‘Otherwise someone would have seen this coming.’
‘Like you did, you mean?’ Erik sneered. ‘Because you knew about their plan all along didn’t you? Which is why you didn’t even realise that your boyfriend was gone until almost 24 hours after he’d gone missing!’
‘Not fair! I was in my lab!’
‘And I was at work!’
‘You’re always at work!’
‘And you’re always drunk!’
‘I just had one glass, Lehnsherr, one glass! And – under the circumstances – can you really blame me?’
‘Oh, I blame you,’ Erik said darkly. ‘I definitely blame you.’
‘Well, you shouldn’t,’ Tony snapped, putting his hands on his hips and glowering at Erik. ‘I mean, you do know who’s really to blame for all this, don’t you?’
Erik gritted his teeth. ‘I promise you, Stark, if you say “Charles” one more time …’
‘Oh, don’t worry, I won’t!’ Tony said with a huff, crossing his arms over his chest. ‘Because the one who’s really to blame for all this? Well, that’s you, buddy.’
‘Me?’ Erik’s eyes widened in outrage.
‘Yeah, you,’ Tony sneered, glaring at him. ‘Maybe if you actually managed to satisfy your boyfriend every once in a while-’
‘What?’
‘- instead of being such a selfish dumb-ass then maybe this whole damn shitfest wouldn’t have happened!’
‘Are you out of your mind, Stark?’ Erik all but snarled, clenching his fists. ‘You have no idea what you’re talking about!’
‘Sure I do,’ Tony raised his chin haughtily. ‘You’re a bad-tempered asshole who’s always at work and is shit in the sack and so poor Charlie had to go and find someone else to help him out when he had an itch to scratch. Someone who knew what they were doing.’
‘I guess that’s why he didn’t go to you then,’ Erik growled, as all the metal objects in the room started to tremble violently.
‘You might want to shut your mouth, Lehnsherr,’ Tony said with a sharp grin, ignoring the room vibrating around him. ‘Or I might just shut it for you.’
‘I’d like to see you try,’ Erik sneered.
‘Is that what Charles says when the two of you are in bed together?’
A knife went sailing towards Tony, who managed to avoid it only by a hair’s breadth.
‘I’ll have you know that I’m ten times the man you’ll ever be,’ Erik snarled. ‘In the bedroom and out.’
‘Uh huh?’ Tony looked highly sceptical. ‘Is that what you keep telling yourself after your scheduled bi-monthly ten-minute vanilla sex sessions?’
‘Bi-’ Erik’s face turned almost purple in outrage. ‘How dare- Charles and I have sex every night! And it lasts for hours!’
Tony’s eyebrows rose. ‘Every night, huh?’ he asked sarcastically. ‘And hours? Well – colour me impressed. That sure is a neat trick there, Lehnsherr, what with you pulling all those all-nighters at work every other day-’
‘Week,’ Erik corrected grumpily, scowling at him. ‘Every other week. And that’s the only exception.’
‘If you say so.’ Tony said dismissively. ‘But still, you can tell me – the sex is all different flavours of vanilla, right?’
Erik glared at him. ‘If you had any idea of what a master of magnetism and a telepath could do in the bedroom then you wouldn’t dare say such a thing,’ he said haughtily.
‘Well how about you enlighten me then?’
Erik opened his mouth to do just that, but then he realised that the expression on Tony’s face was far too eager for his liking, so he promptly shut his mouth and glared at him instead.
Seeing this, Tony sighed. ‘Ah well, it was worth a try,’ he said, shrugging. Then he leered. ‘Which is what I’ll tell Charles when I find him and Steve.’
Erik immediately stiffened. ‘What?’ he asked in a low, dangerous tone.
Tony shrugged. ‘Well,’ he said nonchalantly. ‘It’s the way of the world, isn’t it? Things change. You either adapt or you get left by the wayside. You’re a mutant – supposedly the “next stage of evolution” and all that – even though I seriously doubt it in your case, Lehnsherr. Still – evolution. You should be familiar with this shit, right?’
Erik didn’t answer. ‘What exactly are you getting at, Stark?’ he asked instead, his voice cold.
‘Well,’ Tony said slowly. ‘The way I see it is this: I used to be with Steve, which is good. Steve is now with Charles, which is bad. Someone’s going to end up hurt unless we do something about it, which is very bad … But. There is one obvious solution that stands head and shoulders above all others that might just help us to avoid what might end up being a nasty little problem.’
Erik raised an eyebrow in inquiry. ‘Oh?’ he asked dryly. ‘And what is that, pray tell?’
Tony’s mouth immediately stretched into a wide, enthusiastic smile. ‘A threesome!’ he announced dramatically, spreading his arms wide and beaming at Erik.
Erik’s expression went from being vaguely expectant to completely flat in less than a fraction of a second.
‘And where exactly would I be during the union of this Unholy Trinity?’ he asked Tony flatly, his tone icy cold.
Tony blinked and then spent a minute thinking really, really hard. Then he perked up, an idea of clear genius forming in his head. He smiled, looked at Erik and then said, with an expression that was proud and inexpressibly self-satisfied:
‘Foursome?’
This time he wasn’t able to avoid the projectile that zipped through the air and knocked him squarely on the head with a resounding thud.
*
‘More tea, Charles?’ Steve asked politely.
‘Thank you, Steve,’ Charles beamed at him over their small, cosy table. ‘Would you care for another scone?’
‘Sure,’ Steve gave him a warm smile in return. ‘I’ll have one without-’
‘Without any raisins,’ Charles and he finished together. They shared a warm glance over the rims of their teacups and then quietly set about buttering their scones, revelling in the warm, comfortable, blessed silence.