Archive of Our Own

“Yeah, back home we used to go to the beach all the time.”

They all knew it was just a passing comment, just Felix’s contribution to the random conversation they’d been having on what they used to do when they went on holiday, but they all felt a slight pang when Felix once again referred to Australia as ‘home’. They knew Australia was and always would be home to the Aussie and they’d never, ever want to take that away from him, but they’d always hoped that Felix would also come to think of Korea as his home. Even after a year and a half of living there, he still seemed to think of himself as a tourist and that Australia was where he truly belonged.

It was evident in the little things, like how Felix had initially seemed very hesitant to add his own touches to the dorm he shared with the rest of Stray Kids. All the other members had decorated; posters adorning their walls, trinkets appearing on various counters and shelves around the place, an area in the living room where all of them had started displaying their family photos. All of them except Felix.

It took them a while to notice; no one knew what belonged to who at first, so it had been hard to spot the fact that none of the knick-knacks lying around belonged to Felix. By the time everyone had the belongings situation figured out, it had been so much time since they’d moved in that it never even crossed any of their minds that someone might still be hesitant to call the place home. The first person to pick up on one of the signs was Chan. He’d been standing in front of the small section of wall they’d dedicated to sticking up family photos, trying to decide where to stick a new picture his mum had just sent him, when he’d noticed that none of them belonged to a certain Australian Lee family member.

At first, he’d been confused. Why hadn’t Felix stuck anything up? Chan had been in Korea so long by now that it didn’t even cross his mind to think of it as anything other than home by now. But judging by how Felix’s family was nowhere to be seen on the family wall, his young friend didn’t feel the same.

The family wall was the pride of the dorm; every time one of their families visited they always got showed it. And it didn’t matter how many times these relatives came to visit, it was always the first thing that they went to look at after saying hi to everyone. Everyone except Felix’s family. Felix’s family who still lived in Australia and hadn’t yet visited him in Korea, settling for only skype calls and group-chats to ease the ache in their hearts whilst they tried to find a time their schedules wouldn’t clash and one of them could fly out to the other.

Just as Chan had finished sticking his picture up, Seungmin walked in. Chan had turned to him and pulled him over to the display, asking him if he noticed anything unusual about it. Seungmin had studied it for a minute or so and then just shrugged, seeing the same wall he always saw. Then Chan had pointed out the absence of any of Felix’s photos and Seungmin had been so surprised and concerned that all his breath left him. He’d thought every single member loved that wall, how had none of them noticed that Felix didn’t?

They’d confronted him that night, waiting until he had gone into his room alone to put his phone on charge before swiftly entering and closing the door behind them. He had looked at them with part-amusement, part-confusion, wondering why his roommates were suddenly sneaking around like their dorm was a James Bond film or something.

His facial expression had quickly changed to defensive when Chan and Seungmin brought up the topic of the wall, not hesitating to ask why he hadn’t added to it. At first Felix had made up an excuse about never getting around to it and that he had always intended to use it, but he just never had the time. He wasn’t surprised when they didn’t believe him and so sighed before explaining how homesick he was, how sticking up family photos would be a daily reminder of how far away he was from everything he loved. He knew he was lucky to have opportunities in Korea and he had a special place in his heart for every single member, but he also ached for Australia and his family and he was still trying to come to terms with that. The language barriers, the inside Korean jokes he didn’t get, the cultural differences were stark reminders of how fearful he always felt, and he needed more time to think of Korea as home before he committed to sticking photos up. He needed more time to not feel so foreign in the country he was supposed to belong in.

Chan and Seungmin had of course understood and had profusely apologised for not spotting Felix’s pain sooner. Felix had brushed them off and told them he knew it was something he had to work through on his own, even if it did feel good to tell them. They reassured him that they were always there to talk and that he didn’t have to go it alone, they were willing to help him every step of the way. Felix’s knowing smile had showed them that he was not going to let them do this; the walls had come down slightly but not enough to actually let anyone in. Chan and Seungmin were merely peering over the top, only able to see what Felix allowed them to see and he was not going to let himself to be completely vulnerable in front of them yet.

Whether the wall would come down voluntarily or involuntarily, Chan and Seungmin didn’t know, but they knew it had to come down at some point. No one could keep everything bottled up like that, not even Felix.

But now, over a year later, Chan and Seungmin thought that maybe they were wrong. Sure, Felix still missed his family and his hometown, but he was now much more comfortable in Korea. It was still noticeable how he always referred to Australia as ‘home’ and where they lived as ‘there’ or ‘the dorm’, but it was obvious he felt like much less of in foreigner now. His Korean had come on leaps and bounds and he had been less scared of adding his own touches to the new dorm they moved into. Felix was still the member with the least photographs and family items scattered around, but since he was also the member with the least contact with his family it made sense that it might be more painful for him than for others, so no one pressured him into adding anything.

He also learnt to open up to people more; Chan and Seungmin’s talk seemed to remind him how much less pressure it was to let other people help you when you were struggling. It took a while, but gradually he was able to express his feelings and gratitude to every member and they were more than willing to offer hugs and kind words in return. Felix, of course, was able to return the favour and also lend a shoulder to cry on whenever any of the other members needed it and their friendships only strengthened as a result. They just all wished it would be enough for Felix to refer to his life in Korea with them as ‘home’.

But the topic was a sore spot and they knew they couldn’t just casually bring it up as it would be too painful for Felix, so they saved the talks for calm late nights with hot tea and days off with nothing but TV and blankets. So, the passing comment he made about the beaches ‘back home’ was brushed under the rug and ignored like they all were.

The homesickness never really became a problem again until a huge concert was organised for them in Seoul. It was to be their biggest, longest and most spectacular concert yet, so amazing that the managers had invited the families of all the members. Felix had cried when he’d found out, excited by the idea of his family finally coming to Korea. He’d be able to show them the town, show them how he lived, show them this whole new life he had built for himself. But, most importantly, he’d be able to show them himself. For the first time, they would watch him on stage after his debut; they’d hear him rapping live, watch him dance under all the lights, cheer at the way he fit in with the members. The idea of his family standing in the audience cheering him on was a feeling so unfamiliar to him he couldn’t wait to finally experience it like everyone else had.

He’d been so excited to tell them, practically buzzing with excitement whilst he waited for the Skype call to connect. The other members were in the room next door, almost as excited as Felix was and waiting to be called in so that they could say hi to Felix’s family after he told them his news.

Unfortunately, the time never came and they listened with growing concern as the happy cheers from the other room dulled to an uncomfortable silence and indecipherable whispering. They didn’t go in until later when all sounds of conversation had stopped and were replaced with muffled sniffling.

The found Felix curled up in the chair, body shaking slightly with sobs, the computer showing nothing but a black screen. It had turned out that the concert clashed with the exact day of Felix’s sister’s graduation and there was no way his family could fly out to make it. It not only meant that he’d be the only member without family in the audience, but also that Felix was going to have to miss one of the most important days of his sister’s life. All of his excitement was replaced with utter disappointment and sadness and his longing for his family grew, the ache in his chest growing larger as the concert drew nearer.

He still pretended to be excited for it, after all it was going to be their biggest concert to date. But the truth was he was absolutely dreading it. He wasn’t dreading performing without his family there, he’d done that an uncountable number of times; he was dreading performing with everyone else’s family there. The other members were going to get the spend time with their parents back stage, were going to be able to tour them around and let them watch as they got styled and ready, were going to be able to point and wave at them in the audience. All of this would be happening whilst Felix would be able to do nothing but hope his sister’s graduation was going well. They were even granted a few days off afterwards and given free hotel bookings so that everyone could spend some time with their families once it was all over. Felix was probably going to have to spend the time in the dorm alone, scrambling for times that his family would be able to actually pick up his calls whilst he moped.

So, despite everyone wanting the day to arrive faster, Felix hoped it would never arrive at all.

Felix knew deep down that he was being selfish; his bandmates deserved to see their family just as much as he did, and it wasn’t anyone’s fault that the dates had clashed. He just hated how he had waited the longest to be reunited with his family and everyone else was going to do so before he did. They weren’t responsible for that at all and he was excited to meet their families, he just knew the day could never be perfect without his own there.

He woke up early on the day of the concert, wanting to Skype call his sister and wish her luck before the ceremony started, time-zones making it so he had to drag himself out of bed two hours before their scheduled wake up. He didn’t mind though; it was nice to see his sister’s smiling face and he’d hate the thought of not talking to her on such a special day. It also meant he would have an excuse to leave and go to bed earlier when the day was over, so he wouldn’t have to spend so much time around all the happy families that he knew were going to make him jealous.

The call was brief and short to stop Felix’s sister being late, but it was still full of love and Felix was left feeling that maybe he would be able to get through the day. He started getting ready the moment they hung up to keep himself distracted and he was dressed, full of coffee and ready to go before the others had even shown any sign of waking up. He tried to keep himself occupied by fiddling around on his phone, but he was pulled out of his distractions by a mass text that their manager had sent to all the members:

Manager -
I know you’re all supposed to be asleep right now, I just want you to know that Seungmin’s parents are here and the first to arrive. When you wake up and see this, if anyone is ready and would like to come say hello then I’m sure they’d appreciate it.

Felix reread the text a couple of times, knowing that it was implying he should go down and greet the family, but he was still unsure. Would it be wrong of him to greet Seungmin’s parents before Seungmin did? Would other parents arrive and he be talked into greeting them as well? Worries were pulsing through his mind, but he couldn’t help but feel that maybe it would be a little less painful to watch all the reunions if he spoke to the parents first. That way they’d know that there was one of them due to be lonely for the day.

He debated with himself for a few minutes before deciding to just text the manager and get their opinion on it.

Felix –
Hi, it’s Felix. I’m already awake but Seungmin isn’t. Would you like me to wake him up and send him down?

Manager –
I don’t know why you’re awake at this hour, Felix, but thanks for checking with me. Seungmin’s parents have confirmed that they would rather Seungmin get his rest, but they really want to meet you if you’re already awake and ready.

Felix bit his lip and contemplated whether to take up the offer or not. He was curious about what Seungmin’s parents were like and he didn’t want to make a bad impression on them by not going to them, but he also couldn’t help but feel he was stealing this from Seungmin. He debated internally for a couple more minutes before deciding to just go. Seungmin would understand and the young boy would still get the whole day with his family, something Felix wasn’t lucky enough to do.

Felix –
Thank you, tell them I’m on the way.

He took his time getting his shoes on and collecting his things, going over in his mind how he was going to greet them and how to respond to their questions. He’d met Seungmin’s parents a couple of times but nothing more than a few greetings, so he wasn’t surprised when nerves started brewing in his stomach. He briefly considered giving up and waiting for another member to come down with him so he wouldn’t be alone, but he couldn’t bear the thought of Seungmin’s parents thinking less of him for it so he forced himself to take a deep breath and leave the dorm, vehemently putting a lid on his emotions so they wouldn’t convince him to turn around and head back.

It took him a few minutes before he reached the room his manager had mentioned to him and he spent the whole time trying to ignore the way his heart beat and chest hurt at how painful it was going to be to meet everyone family other than his own. He told himself to stop being selfish, that it was only going to be a few days, but the pain didn’t go away and he just hoped he’d be able to ignore it.

He knocked on the door the moment he was in reach of it, knowing full well that taking too long would mean giving himself too many opportunities to talk himself out of it. His brain was going a mile a minute, inventing a million different scenarios about how this could all go wrong and how Felix was just going to ruin everything and how he should just run and hide for the day to stop himself getting hurt. But when the manager’s voice on the other side shouted a cheery “Come in!”, Felix knew there was no going back now.

The door creaked as it opened, causing all heads turned in its direction. Felix hesitantly peered in to see his manager smiling softly at him and two homely-looking people he vaguely recognised waving shyly.

“H-hello,” he stuttered, smiling nervously as he tiptoed in and closed the door behind him.

“Hello Felix,” Seungmin’s mother smiled warmly as she got up out of her seat, “It’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too,” Felix practically whispered, body alight with nerves as she made her way towards him. Expecting to have to shake her hand, Felix hiked up his hoodie to avoid sweater paws when suddenly she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. Felix completely stiffened at first, caught unawares by the sudden contact, but he soon melted into what could only be described as a mother’s embrace. It may not have been his mum but the soft arms around him still allowed him to relax and take a deep breath, momentarily thinking that maybe the day wouldn’t be so bad after all. Seungmin’s mother was sweet like honey and even though she didn’t feel like home, she still reminded him he was welcome.

“Hello Felix,” Seungmin’s father came and wrapped and hand around his wife’s waist when she finally let go of Felix, the warmth leaving him in a rush, “I’m glad to see you are well.”

“You too,” Felix tentatively replied, bowing back to them and following them to the sofas and taking a seat opposite them, ignoring the spikes of pain in his chest when they still remained connected to each other even as they sat, looking more and more like a beautiful family as the seconds ticked by, “Seungmin is really excited to see you.”

Seungmin’s mother practically melted at the words, “We’re really excited to see him too,” she said wistfully, “That’s why we were so early today, we just couldn’t wait any longer to leave. We knew he’d be asleep, but we just couldn’t stop ourselves.”

“That’s sweet,” Felix giggled lightly, “I’m sure he’ll be awake soon, the alarms are due to go off any minute now.”

“Speaking of which,” the manager cut in as they pinned Felix with a stare, one eyebrow raised in question, “What were you doing up and ready so early this morning?”

“I was actually wondering about that too,” Seungmin’s father joined in, “Not that it’s not nice to see you but I was expecting all of you to be in bed. Are your family expected to arrive early too?”

“Ummm… not exactly,” Felix locked eyes with the manager, shaking his head slightly to convey that he wanted to be the one to explain it, “My family… my family aren’t coming today.”

The parents both gasped, their eyes immediately filling with sympathy that Felix had to look down to get away from, not wanting to come across anything that might make him cry.

“Today is my sister’s graduation,” he said quickly to stop them asking questions, “The dates clashed, and it wouldn’t have been fair of me to make my family fly out here today. I have concerts a lot of the time after all, my sister only graduates once. I was supposed to be there to support her, but there was a miscommunication somewhere and obviously… obviously now I have to be here instead. I got up early so that I could call her. I wanted to wish her luck and tell her I was proud and everything… her ceremony started early which meant I had to be up even earlier because of time-zones and everything. I really didn’t want to go today without congratulating her.” His voice wobbled near the end of the explanation and he quickly bit his lip to avoid letting out a sob, staring intensely at the floor to avoid the sad gazes he knew the adults would be sporting.

“Oh Felix, I’m so sorry,” Seungmin’s mother said sympathetically, the tone of her voice making Felix want to burst into tears right there and then, “I don’t recall meeting your parents before at any of the other concerts we’ve been to. Have they ever been able to fly out and make it?”

“No, they… they haven’t,” Felix answered truthfully, head bowed as he wiped at his face, “It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just both my sisters are still in school and my parents have jam-packed work schedules and obviously I’m constantly doing stuff with Stray Kids and the dates just always seem to work out the wrong way. We talk as much as we can, but I haven’t been able to make it home yet. And they haven’t been able to make it here.”

“That’s awful, Felix,” came the reply, “Are there any other families not going to be here today?”

“Nope, just… just mine,” Felix’s voice cracked as he forced the words out and his breaths began to wobble, the emotions whirring around inside of him boiling over the lid he was desperately trying to keep on them.

“Well I hope you know you’re welcome to join our family for the day. Or any other family for that matter, I’m sure no one will mind.” Seungmin’s father said with conviction, his firm tone slightly helping Felix stop being so emotional and focus more on keeping it together.

“T-thanks,” Felix stuttered out as he straightened up with a deep breath, brain telling him to just get a goddamn grip, “I appreciate that.”

Seungmin’s mother was about to open her mouth to reply when everyone jumped at the sound of the manager’s phone pinging. They quickly smiled in apology before picking up the device and reading the message that had just come through.

“It’s from Chan,” they explained, “Apparently everyone’s awake and getting ready now so they should be down soon. He also asked where you are Felix, apparently he called but then someone realised your phone was still charging in the dorm so now he’s worried.”

“Oh my god, I completely forgot about that!” Felix exclaimed, ignoring the guilt that had now joined the collection of all the other emotions he was feeling, “Can you tell him I’m here?”

“Of course,” the manager answered, “I’ll tell him you’re on the way back up, you need to collect your phone and the rest of your stuff and possibly help them get ready. I know it was easy when it was just you but they’re all going to be excited and trying to get everything done as fast as possible, so you might want to go back and check it all goes smoothly.”

“Yeah that’s fine,” Felix replied, standing up and bowing at Seungmin’s parents, “I’ll see you later.”

“Goodbye Felix,” Seungmin’s mother replied, reaching out to grasp his hand, “We’re going to do everything we can to make sure today is as happy as it can possibly be without your family here, okay?”

Felix forcefully swallowed back the tears as he stuttered out a timid ‘thank you’ before all but sprinting out the room, barely making it to a bathroom before he sobbed into his hands, only letting himself break down for a couple of minutes before he washed his face, told himself to suck it up and dragged himself back up to the dorm.

He came in to absolute chaos; the previously tidy dorm was now littered with clothes, toiletries and frantic boys who were half-dressed and running around and screaming at each other, accusing one another of stealing their jeans or hiding their cereal. Excitement hung thick in the air, several yells about how they couldn’t wait to finally see their parents reaching Felix’s ears. He hadn’t yet been noticed and it wasn’t until Jisung shouted something about needing a t-shirt that Felix could see lying on the sofa that he finally drew attention to himself. He had clambered his way over to the article of clothing before grabbing it and tossing it into the hallway where it smacked Jisung in the face.

“Wha- Oh, it’s my t-shirt! Thank you!” Came the shout from inside the fabric before Jisung pulled it off his eyes so he could see again, “Felix! You’re back!”

Several shouts of greeting filtered into the room and a few more faces popped up from various places to welcome Felix, but it was only Jisung who paused to fully look at him, no doubt noticing the swollen, red eyes and trembling hands. He frowned at the sight, wanting to say something to comfort Felix but getting cut off before he could even think up the right words.

“It’s okay,” Felix said quietly, “I know today is going to be hard, but I’ve already met Seungmin’s parents and I know I’m going to be okay. I promise you I will.”

Jisung tilted his head to the side as he finished pulling on the t-shirt, wanting to believe Felix’s words but knowing he really shouldn’t, especially considering how unconvincingly the young Aussie had said them.

“Felix…” he started to say before he was cut off by Seungmin clashing into the side of him and bounding into the room with a haphazard apology thrown over his shoulder, sprinting towards Felix with so much force that the Australian worried he was legit about to be tackled.

“You saw my parents?” he half-yelled, latching onto Felix’s shoulders, “Are they okay? Were they nice? Did they bring me a present? Were they excited to see me?”

The questions were quick and loud and Felix struggled to keep up, knowing Seungmin wanted him to answer all of them but also answer none of them at the same time because the answers would never be as good as seeing his parents in real-life, something he wasn’t going to have to wait much longer for.

“Your parents are very excited to see you, Seungminnie,” Felix replied, reaching up to squeeze Seungmin’s shoulders as the younger squealed in delight, turning around and dashing back to the bedroom to finish getting ready.

“You all better hurry up!” He yelled, loud enough for the words to echo throughout the whole dorm, “I want to see my parents!”

“I hate to say it, but I think Seungmin’s right,” Chan responded as he came into the room, staring at his phone, “Just got the message that a few more families have arrived. You must have just missed them, Felix.”

“Oh… yeah, probably,” Felix replied, feeling guilty at the relief that washed over him at having missed more families. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see them, just that he knew it would be better to take the day in small doses and he was more than willing to have the members by his side this time. It would be painful to watch them have what he couldn’t but that didn’t mean he wasn’t comforted by their presence.

Chan seemed to sense the hesitance in Felix’s voice and shared a not-so-subtle looked with Jisung that Felix guessed was about how obvious it was that he had been crying. He would have laughed about how bad they were at being sneaky if he wasn’t afraid of the confrontation that was going to follow.

“Felix, I know today is going to be hard for you…” Chan began but Felix cut him off.

“Hyung, please don’t,” he said, “I know what you’re trying to do but I’d really rather not talk about this. Yes, it’s going to be hard but I’m ready. I already phoned my sister and she reassured me that… that I can get through this.”

“Okay, Felix. If you’re sure then we won’t have a conversation about it this morning,” Chan responded, reaching out to gently squeeze Felix’s shoulder, “But please know that if there is ever a time today that you need to take a moment, or you need to pull me or someone else aside to talk, then that is absolutely fine. We may all be with our families today but that doesn’t mean we are not on your side.”

“Th-thanks hyung,” Felix managed as he was pulled into a tight hug, revelling in the feeling of Chan’s arms squeezing his waist, reminding him that he was loved and that he did have people that would be there for him today. It may have seemed like a small gesture, but the hug did wonders for helping Felix level his thoughts.

“Alright mate,” Chan responded softly before pulling away and turning to face Jisung who was watching them with a sad smile. The leader nodded at him for a second and shouted loud enough for the whole dorm to hear, “We are going to here out of here in twenty minutes and not a minute later! The rest of the families are due to arrive in ten and I don’t know about you guys, but I do not want to keep my mum waiting for very long!”

With that, the dorm exploded into even more chaos and Felix was dragged into throwing various possessions into various backpacks and locating different items of clothing and sending them in the direction of the member who needed it. Milk ended up all over the kitchen floor in the scramble and Felix was the one who ended up cleaning it whilst simultaneously trying to tie Jeongin’s shoelaces for him whilst the maknae attempted to brush his hair and clean his teeth at the same time.

They actually ended up leaving the dorm in 23 minutes, which Felix took as a win. He had expected them all to take at least half an hour, but he realised he’d probably underestimated how much more motivation the other boys had with their families waiting for them once they were done, so they were able to get ready faster than normal. It meant they were ten times more likely to have forgotten something vital, but Felix figured they could deal with that later.

As far as he knew, all the families had now arrived and so no one was going to have to be kept waiting except him whilst they reunited. He didn’t know if this scared or relieved him; he wouldn’t want another member to feel how he was currently feeling but he didn’t want to be alone either.

Felix spent the entire walk down to the room with Changbin linking arms with him on one side and Hyunjin with an arm over his shoulder on the other. The pair weren’t giving him any extra attention or anything; they were still chatting animatedly with the rest of the group, but it was nice to be reminded that they were still there, and Felix couldn’t help but think that their actions were intentional. The group was kind like that… he wouldn’t put it past them.

When they finally arrived, they all took long, deep breaths and glanced nervously at each other before nodding at Chan to knock on the door. They could hear several muffled voices from inside the room and, judging by the way several members’ eyes lit up, Felix guessed those voices were very familiar. The leader threw them all a silent ‘good luck’ before turning to the door and rapping his knuckles firmly against it a couple of times, waiting for the voices to all go silent and the manager’s “Come in!” to filter out before opening the door.

They were greeted by more than a few friendly faces and Felix barely had time to process the sheer amount of people that were in the room before he was suddenly almost pulled off his feet by his bandmates all rushing past him into the room, their arms disappearing from where they had been holding him.

But he didn’t think about it though, as he was suddenly hit by a wave of happiness at the way he got to watch every single member throw themselves into the arms of someone they loved. Tears, exchanges of love and shouts of ‘I missed you!’ filled the room as the reunions took place, not a single dry eye left as the parents gazed fondly at their children.

Felix was able to pull himself into the room and close the door quietly behind him, watching with awe as Jeongin’s mother carefully brushed a loose strand of hair away from the maknae’s face, as Chan’s father threw his arms around the leader’s shoulders and pulled him close, as Changbin melted into the embrace of a girl who must have been his sister. This painfully reminded Felix of his own sister and he was hit by another wave of silent tears that streamed down his face as he frantically attempted to handle the strongest sense of happiness he had ever felt at the same time as feeling the strongest sense of sadness he had ever felt. The sensation was confusing and overwhelming and Felix contemplated ripping the door open and running until he couldn’t breathe, desperately hoping the feelings wouldn’t follow him as he made his escape. But that was only going to be possible if he could rip his eyes away from the love that shone in Minho’s eyes as he gazed at his mother or the way Hyunjin’s lips curled as he smiled at his father, and Felix honestly didn’t think he was strong enough to do that.

He was thankful when the manager emerged from the crowd and slowly approached him, holding out their hands to ask for permission before pulling him into a tight hug when he nodded, letting his tears stain their chest. Felix appreciated the warmth of the embrace, but it was still too cold to belong to his family and he couldn’t help but let out a small sob at the thought, feeling his veins turn to ice when the manager lowly shushed him and pulled him tighter, attempting to alleviate some of the pain Felix felt.

It wasn’t enough, they both knew it wouldn’t be, but there were still tears on Felix’s cheeks when he pulled away. He quickly wiped them away with his sleeve and took a deep breath to stop anymore falling, gaze locked so firmly on the floor that he was completely caught off guard when a hand grabbed his wrist and started tugging him further into the room.

He tried to protest but stopped when he realised it was Minho. The older was looking at him with half-concern, half-excitement and gifted Felix with an encouraging smile as he continued to pull him in the direction of who he assumed was Minho’s family.

They stopped in front of a stunning woman who had Minho’s feline eyes and prominent cheekbones and a man who basically had an exact replica of Minho’s nose. The pair were smiling fondly at them and their eyes softened with pride whenever they landed on Minho, an observation that had Felix gushing as he bowed upon being introduced to them, Minho’s hand never leaving his wrist and rubbing comforting circles on his skin whenever he felt Felix getting agitated.

It wasn’t long before Felix was whisked away again, this time towards a mother with chubby cheeks and a father with kind eyes that looked a lot like Jisung’s. They both hugged Felix and reassured him he was welcome to join their family for the day. When Felix kindly thanked them and told them that he had received the same offer from Seungmin’s family, Minho’s mother cut in from where she had joined them and proposed that they all have a duel to figure out which family he should go too. It was then that Felix realised where Minho got his humour from.

Felix was thankfully able to get through all the introductions without crying again and by the end of it all everyone was joking that Felix now had seven extra mothers and seven extra fathers and a handful of extra siblings for the day. Laughing along, he made sure to point out that no one was going to be able to replace his actual family, but they all easily accepted that and he felt the sting in his chest lessen just a little as he continued to interact with them.

The car ride to the concert was pleasant as he rode with Chan’s family and they asked him if it was alright to talk about Australia with him. He enjoyed talking about the heat and the beaches and the food with them but made sure to steer clear of any topics related to family. They seemed to take the hint pretty quickly and ended up having a competition to see who could put on the strongest Australian accent. They were still going when they pulled up to the venue and everyone else watched with vague humour and confusion as they walked in together shouting about shrimps on the barbie.

It was only when the soundcheck began that Felix began to feel emotional again. Seeing no-one but the families in the audience as they messed around on the stage and went over their choreography was beautiful, but it was also heart-breaking. Felix couldn’t stop himself from picturing how his mum would look sat in one of those seats, how she’d lean over and chat to the other mums, how she’d jokingly pretend to boo whenever Felix made a mistake, how she’d smile when all the members pulled each other in for hugs.

He snuck away once with the pretence that he had to fill up his water bottle and no one commented when he returned with a still empty water bottle and shaking hands, but they all did stand a little closer to him and Jeongin made a point of clinging to him when they all walked to the dressing rooms. Usually they’d all squeeze themselves into one dressing room, but several members had expressed interest in letting their parents watch them get styled and ready and everything, so they had separated into two with an open door connecting them.

Upon arrival, Felix promptly found himself a corner and pulled a chair over to it, settling down into it with his eyes closed and headphones in, blocking out the sounds of Hyunjin talking his mum through all the make-up products and Jisung and his dad making faces at each other in all the mirrors.

He stayed like that for about 20 minutes before he was called over to one of the make-up chairs and the swelling and dark circles under his eyes were covered as Seungmin’s mum held his hand and chatted to him about whether he was excited for such a big concert. Felix answered truthfully that of course he was happy to be in front of so many stays, but the day was always going to be hard. Seungmin’s mother had seemed to understand his every word and told him to keep his head up as she knew his mother was going to be proud of him even if she wasn’t able to attend.

She helped Felix take a deep breath before she, and all the other family members, were called away to be escorted to their seats, the concert due to start in roughly 10 minutes. Felix went up to Seungmin and tried to apologise to him for stealing his mother’s attention, but Seungmin looked so offended that Felix didn’t even finish his sentence.

“You have literally nothing to apologise for,” Seungmin said with a firm kind of conviction Felix didn’t see a lot in his members, “You’re upset, and my mum comforted you. I’m very glad that she did.”

“But you were supposed to be the one to spend today with her…” Felix said quietly, head lowered as Seungmin’s stare only got more intense, making him feel two feet tall.

“I have loads of time to spend with her, you don’t have any time to spend with your mum,” the younger replied, tone softening when he noticed Felix’s flinch, “Today has been hard for you, Felix. You don’t have to apologise that someone tried to make it better.”

“She did… she did make it a lot better,” Felix replied quietly.

“Then I am very, very glad she was talking to you,” Seungmin said, throwing an arm over Felix’s shoulder, “Me not getting attention from her for a few minutes is definitely worth it if you’re happier.”

“Thanks Seungminnie,” Felix said softly, a gentle smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Seungmin only responded with an even bigger one before pulling Felix closer and walking with him the whole way to the stage, making sure to stand close even while their ear-sets were put in and mics were attached to their faces.

Various members got in trouble for trying to sneak past the curtains to see if they could spot where all the families were sitting, despite being assured over and over again that they were in such a good spot it would be impossible for the members to miss them. This terrified Felix. He had a very real fear of spotting the families in the audience and just bursting into tears right on stage. He knew doing so would not only let everyone down, but it would also ruin the atmosphere of the whole show, so he took a few minutes break to take deep breaths and get himself focused, trying to keep his concentration on the performance firmly separate from his emotions.

Thankfully, the break seemed to work wonders and, although Felix was ready to make a run for it the moment he spotted all the parents waving lightsticks, he was able to keep his cool. Chan made a point of keeping an arm around his shoulders right until the moment they had to start their choreography and the leader’s touch was able to keep him grounded as he waved to all the stays. He felt slightly guilty at avoiding waving at, or even looking at, the family box but he knew he needed to keep his head on straight and seeing it empty of his mum’s smiling face would not have helped him do that, so he kept his gaze away.

The performance went off without a hitch and Felix danced, rapped and sang perfectly, not a single mistake made by him or any of the members. The cheers were loud, the fan-chants were strong and love hung prominently in the air, so strong that a few members had already started crying even before they lined up to each make an ending speech.

Stays cheered wildly when Chan was the first to go and the leader pointed out his family in the audience, thanking them for their support and expressing his unconditional love. Each member followed, every one of them having different things to say about the beautiful people they had for them in the audience. Felix felt himself getting closer to a full-on breakdown as they progressed further down the line to where he was positioned at the end and he suddenly doubted his ability to say anything at all. The sheer horribleness of not having his family cheer for him, not having the luxury of his those he loved seeing him perform live was beginning to choke him and he didn’t want this to be something he displayed in front of a huge audience of people who looked up to him.

His turn rolled around too soon and he was suddenly very aware of the hundreds of faces staring at him expectantly, waiting for him to point to his own family and thank them just as the other members had done. It took a lot for Felix to not have a complete deer-in-the-headlights moment, too aware of how his bandmates were probably expecting him to crumble and how they’d probably planned for one of them to jump in for him when he couldn’t get his words out. But he couldn’t leave without a speech. He couldn’t disappoint everyone like that. So he closed his eyes and cleared his throat, telling himself he was ready.

He was ready.

He could do this.

“T-Thank you all so much for coming today,” he started quietly, hesitantly raising the volume of his voice a little as he went on, “Thank you all for the fan-chants and the cheering and everything. It is such an honour to hear it.” His breathing quickened as everyone clapped, encouraging him to go on. “I have a very important message today for someone very special to me. Today is the day of my sister’s graduation.” The entire audience exploded into massive applause at the revelation and Felix felt his entire body vibrate with the way his heartbeat shot up, simultaneously endeared and pained by the way they celebrated for her.

“I-I just want to say a huge congratulations and tell her that I am so so so proud of her and I can’t wait to see what she goes on to achieve,” It was clear Felix’s message had been received as happiness reverberated through the venue, several of the members making motions encouraging people to cheer as stays shouted out various congratulations. Felix clasped his hands together and thanked them with his gestures, taking from them the strength to say what he really needed to.

“And I just want to say to the rest of my family…” his voice cracked as he tried to continue on, tears forming in his eyes that he desperately hoped wouldn’t fall, “I am so sorry that you couldn’t be here today… and I hope you really enjoy watching this when you have the chance,” he paused in the middle of his sentence to regain his breath, entire body shaking with the force at which he was holding back his sobs, “I just need you to know that I miss you so so much and I can’t wait… I can’t wait to see you again. I don’t know when that will be, but we will work it out because… because I love you.”

He was full-on crying now and turned his back the moment he was done speaking, burying his face in his hands as he wept. Cheers from behind him only made him cry harder as he tried to hunch over to make himself less visible, embarrassed to be so emotional in front of so many people. A pair of arms wrapped themselves around him and another hand came to stroke his back, reassuring words being spoken softly into his ear, just as audible as the messages of love the audience were shouting at him from behind.

It took him a few moments to compose himself, several of the members talking him softly through the emotional ride, whilst the rest of them were encouraging the audience to shout various phrases, most of them along the lines of “Felix, fighting!” or “Welcome, families of Stray Kids!”. There was an extra loud cheer when Felix turned back around and waved at everyone, tucked firmly under Chan’s arm, hair messy from where Hyunjin had ruffled it.

He mostly stayed quiet whilst they finished up the concert, only throwing in a quick goodbye and an ‘I love you’ when there was opportunity. But the other members easily filled in for him and he found himself able to smile at their antics.

That didn’t stop the relief from flowing into him though when they finally left the stage and collapsed onto the floor backstage, laughing to each other as they all landed on the hard wood, immediately snuggling into each other as they came down from the performance high, adrenalin slowly leaving their veins.

They didn’t move or talk for several minutes, content merely with each other’s company as their heavy breathing filled the silence, the only movements being from passing water bottles around and ripping their mics out. Felix sighed heavily as his felt his body gradually sink into the floor, tear tracks still slowly drying on his face. He felt his hand being squeezed from where it was being held firmly in Changbin’s grasp and his shoulder untensing from where Jeongin’s fingers were slowly drawing invisible patterns on it and, for the first time that day, he was able to forget everything and relax.

This only lasted a minute though as suddenly all the families came running around the corners towards them and Felix was jolted to his feet, the members around him sprinting away and leaping into the arms of proud parents. Felix may not have felt relaxed anymore, but when Seungmin’s mum emerged out of nowhere and pulled him into a family hug with herself, Seungmin and his father, he realised he felt an entirely different emotion… he felt loved.