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"What's this, Kajagoogoo?"
Stefan stood awkwardly, stomach churning at the sound of Mr Thakur's obnoxious laugh. Colin Ritman, on the other hand, was the picture of confident composure - certainly not the type to eat sugar puffs for breakfast, Stefan was sure.
A roll up hung effortlessly from Colin's lips, only faltering as a result of the man's mumbled denials, and Stefan felt suddenly out of place. There was The Colin Ritman, as his father had so eloquently put it, and here was he, the taste of milk now sour in his throat and a battered copy of Bandersnatch weighing heavy in his satchel. God, a satchel - what had he been thinking?
"-strychnine in them, so jokes on him" Colin finished as Stefan managed to tear his eyes back up from their fixture on nothing in particular. The only thing that had registered was the deep, melting flow of Colin's voice and so Stefan merely blinked, fingers picking nervously at his worn leather jacket (another poor decision, in hindsight). Colin's own fingers flicked nimbly at a lighter before his breath curled effortlessly into the air.
"Anyway, this is Stefan, er..."
" Butler, Butler" Stefan provided quickly, holding out an uncertain hand. Colin eyed it, seemingly unimpressed, but conformed regardless and indulged Stefan in a weak handshake. Though fleeting, the warmth of the contact lingered and Stefan's mind wondered to the last time he'd been touched - a weary pat on the back from his dad, which much reminded him of Colin's apprehensive demeanour.
"Colin, yeah?" came the reply and Stefan nodded with an automatic eagerness as he slipped into disjointed speech of admiration, ending with a mumbled confession regarding his lack of a Commodore. Colin's only recognition was a low, distant grunt but Stefan reasoned that he probably heard these sorts of things daily - either that, or he only associated with people who owned Commodores.
Stefan ran through his head, for the hundredth time, how many paper rounds it would take him to save up enough to buy one before reasoning that he could surely win Colin over some other way.
Colin blew out yet another cloud of curdling smoke and Stefan resisted the urge to rub at the burn it left in his eyes. Instead, he watched intently as genius went to work.
At the simple press of a button, Colin's screen came to life with clean cut lines and vibrant colours. He'd later discover that the game was aptly named 'Nohzdyve' but in the moment, his vision was tunnelled, fixated on the masterpiece before him. Another click and an assortment of sounds began to play along with the cleanest graphics Stefan had ever seen.
He said as much, earning another mumble of recognition from Colin. Abruptly, however, the screen turned white and Stefan stepped back automatically as Thakur threw up his hands.
"What's that?!" he complained, but still Colin remained composed, something Stefan admired about him.
"Just a buffer error. The eyeballs have overrun the video memory-"
Colin was cut off to make way for Thakur's rushed agreement and Stefan found himself frowning at missing out on hearing Colin talk business. Yet, the afternoon continued much in the same way - Stefan went on to demo Bandersnatch, hoping much to hear even a hint of approval from Colin but instead being poked and prodded by Thakur on irrelevant things like time constraints and release dates. By the time it had reached late afternoon, Stefan was itching to go home and tie up the loose ends he'd discovered, much due to the embarrassment of his game failing in front of The Colin Ritman, and so he was glad to finally hear Thakur's proposal.
"We'll have a whole team up here for you. What d'ya say?"
Thakur peered at him expectantly but the reply Stefan had been about to give died in his throat as he felt Colin's gaze fall upon him, weighted and just as expectant. Stefan dared a glance to see Colin's eyebrows raised almost comically, as if he were trying to communicate something solely through his expression. Stefan allowed himself to stare for one, two beats before pulling his gaze away and matching Thakur's eager grin.
"Yes."
Thakurr laughed as he'd done many times that day, practically vibrating with excitement, yet Stefan was unable to mirror the man's joy with Colin's eyes still burning through him. Talk of dates and times was merely static in the background as Stefan allowed himself one more glance in Colin's direction.
The purse of the man's lips and deep set of his forehead made Stefan flinch, as if he'd been burnt, and turn away, plastering a smile back on to his face.
Though he'd just made the best choice of his life, Stefan couldn't help but feel he'd done something wrong.
----
"Wait!"
A call of desperation and stumbling footsteps echoed in the stairwell of the Thakursoft offices and Stefan paused, foot hovering over the next step. He turned back, at first agitated that he was about to miss his bus home but then bewildered as he saw Colin chasing after him, taking the steps two at a time.
"Wait" Colin managed again, finally halting a few steps higher than Stefan and leaning himself against the bannister, breath heaving in his chest. Stefan waited expectantly, watching Colin more intently at the realisation that it was the first time he'd seen the man without a roll up between his lips. He seemed a different person without the shield of his computer and Thakur’s booming guidance. He was still calm and composed, but somewhat more unsure of himself, as if reaching unfamiliar territory.
"I was thinking," Colin began, fingers drumming idly on his thigh "that you should come back to mine. We're going to be working together, after all. Be a good idea to show you the ropes."
Stefan frowned, confused at the correlation between being shown 'the ropes' and going back to Colin's place. His expression must have said as much because Colin backtracked, lowering down a step closer to Stefan and continuing:
"Its your choice. I just think it would be good for us to familiarise ourselves with each other. But it's totally up to you."
Suddenly, Stefan couldn't breath, hyperaware of the proximity of Colin's hand to his own. The familiar burn of Colin's gaze blossomed through his skull but he stubbornly avoided eye contact, instead focusing on the way Colin's fingers, chapped from overuse, had caused flecks of paint to rain down from the bannister onto his shoes. Similar to earlier, Stefan knew what he wanted to say but the words died in his throat, leaving him choked and overwhelmed. Yet, a voice of conflict - which sounded suspiciously similar to Dr Haynes' - sounded in his head and Stefan forced his line of sight upwards, finally meeting Colin's piercing gaze.
"I, uh, no...No, I shouldn't. My Dad'll be waiting for me, you know how it is". As soon as he'd said it, Stefan wanted to curl in on himself and disappear - of course Colin Ritman didn't have a fucking curfew. Colin, however, barely seemed to notice. The air of desperation with which he'd arrived dissipated with Stefan's words and he shrugged, stepping slowly backwards up the staircase. Stefan welcomed the distance with relief and allowed himself to exhale as Colin spoke again.
"Whatever. Like I said, your choice. Guess I'll see you tomorrow."
With that, Colin turned and left, his footsteps booming heavy above Stefan's head. Stefan couldn't help but feel disappointed, both at his own feeble excuse and at Colin's casual acceptance - had he just been invited out of pity? His mud crusted trainers and god awful satchel seemed to support this idea and Stefan shook his head to himself as he heaved open the Thakursoft doors.
The crisp evening breeze hit him like a slap in the face, cruel and scolding, much like the tap on the wrist he'd get from his mother for drinking straight from the milk carton.
More of a warning than a punishment.
----
Stefan had fostered a strong distaste for Frankie Goes to Hollywood for the sole reason that it was what he awoke to every morning. That, and it welcomed the same monotonous routine of dressing himself, brushing his teeth, taking his pills and then facing his father at the breakfast table. This particular morning was like every other, with Stefan's father already concealed behind a newspaper, cigarette in hand by the time Stefan arrived downstairs. Warily, he pulled out a chair opposite his Dad, cringing at the squeal of protest it made against the laminate kitchen floor.
"Thanks, Dad" Stefan's father mumbled as he set down a cup of tea before him, leaving Stefan to give a nod of acknowledgement as he wrapped his fingers around it's heat. He took his father in while his back was turned: the tired curve of his spine, the hunch of his shoulders as he reached for the cereal boxes at the back of the cupboard.
"You're wearing that shirt again?" Stefan wondered aloud after a moment, pushing aside his copy of Bandersnatch to make way for the bowl his father placed before him. Frowning, the man looked down, plucking at the chequered material that draped his body before looking up again.
"Am I? I could have sworn I wore that blue one the other day, you know the one with the missing button? Must be old age."
Again, Stefan nodded idly, wishing he hadn't bothered speaking as he ran his fingers lovingly over the well thumbed cover of bandersnatch. The cover stared back at him, sharing his regret.
"Anyway", his father spoke up again, and Stefan dropped Bandersnatch for good, knowing he'd been pulled into a conversation he'd never escape, "Are you meeting those computer people today?"
Stefan hummed passively in return, watching the sugar puffs his father held longingly.
"Of course I am, I told you. They want to help with Bandersnatch."
At this, Stefan's father frowned, shaking the boxes of cereal expectantly. Stefan hesitated, almost going for his usual choice but then pointing reluctantly to the Corn Flakes. After all, Colin Ritman wouldn't eat sugar puffs for breakfast. Stefan took the box, the rustle of it's plastic almost masking his father's words.
"Bander-what?"
Stefan sighed, leaning back in his chair as his father resumed his position behind his newspaper, cigarette long forgotten and steaming pathetically from the ashtray.
"Bandersnatch, Dad, I've told you this. It's my game and Thakursoft want rights to it. Don't you listen to anything?"
He hadn't meant to let his anger show through to his words but it did anyway, ugly and scathing. Finally, Stefan had done something, achieved something, and yet still nobody noticed.
His dad simply frowned, prodding uselessly at the now dormant cigarette before lighting a new one, hands shaking slightly as he brought it to his lips. It never actually reached them, instead hovered there just like every other - it was something Stefan regarded as a nervous habit, something to occupy the olds man's fingers, much like coding was to him.
"Alright, alright, calm down. I didn't even realise you'd been to see them. I mean, I thought it was today - I wrote it on the calendar and everything!" His dad was insistent, standing quickly and waving his cigarette animatedly as he made his way to the calendar and flicked frantically through each page.
By the time his dad had called after him, Stefan was out the door towards his bus stop, soggy corn flakes left discarded on the table.
Let's be real - Colin Ritman probably doesn't have breakfast at all.
----
Stefan felt the same buzzing nervousness as he ascended the stairs to the Thakursoft offices. The lively hum of voices was already audible from the stairwell and stupidly, Stefan found himself listening out for Colin's rumbling baritone amid the tangle of noise. He dragged his fingers pointlessly on the bannister, almost pausing to feel for the patch of paint that Colin had peeled from it the day before but shaking himself and climbing the remaining stairs in a hurry. Pushing open the door before him hesitantly, Stefan was greeted with Thakur's wide smile and vice-like grip around his shoulders:
"You..are..Steven!" came Thakur's greeting, his thick fingers only tightening around Stefan but cushioned by his own leather jacket. Stefan shrunk back into himself, recoiling from Thakur's hot breath on his cheeks.
"Uh, it's Stefan" he replied, more forceful this time with the agitation of having said it once before.
Again, Thakur apologised profusely and Stefan merely nodded, keeping a tight smile stretched across his face.
"How about we say Hello to Colin, hm?" Thakur said eventually, the mention of Colin admittedly being the only thing that really caught Stefan's attention throughout the whole of his speech. A long winded explanation on the Thakursoft expansion, bearing in mind he'd heard it before, had left Stefan staring distantly across the office, nodding at the appropriate intervals and keeping that same clenched smile one his face. Now though, he was frowning, hands pushed into his trouser pockets for the plain reason of having nothing better to do with them.
"No, I.. That's fine, really. I don't think he'll want me interrupting him again."
At this, Thakur chuckled, clearly having already made up his mind as he dragged Stefan across the room towards Colin's desk.
"No, he'll be fine!" the man reassured, ushering Stefan forwards more insistently, "He'll be fine!"
Upon arrival, Colin appeared to be wearing the same red shirt as the previous day, shocking blonde hair carelessly spiked. Stefan wondered idly if he lived in the Thakursoft offices, only leaving to get food and drink, or whether he might even have somebody to do that for him. Again, he sat slumped over his computer, headset sitting as if it were a part of his own anatomy and roll up tippling on the edge of his fingers. Thakur shushed Stefan comically, creeping up behind Colin and peeling back his headset:
"What's this, Kajagoogoo?" Thakur cried once again before dissolving into his favoured booming laugh and Stefan fought back jealousy, considering if he might ever have a running joke with any of the employees in the office. However, unlike the day prior, Colin seemed more irritable, wrenching his headset from Thakur's prying hands and setting it on his desk.
"You wish." Colin grumbled, barely regarding Stefan as he placed the roll up between his lips. Stefan clutched his satchel awkwardly, wondering if perhaps declining Colin's invite the night before had caused offence, though he quickly shook the thought out of his mind. He was sure Colin would probably rather have been at Thakursoft coding Nohzdyve than engaging in forced conversation with him. After all, Stefan could never imagine himself getting along with somebody foolish enough to worship Pax.
"Anyway, this is Stefan, er..." Thakur cut in after a moment, eyeing both him and Colin like a mother trying to get her son to make friends.
Stefan frowned, feeling as though he were missing something.
"Butler. But he knows already, we-"
"Oh, do I?" Colin retaliated sharply, finally raising his head to regard Stefan with a raised eyebrow. He lifted his hand, removing the roll up slowly from between his lips and flicking it carelessly into the waste bin, end still glowing amber. Stefan marvelled at the idea that Colin deemed this conversation important enough to give his lips full mobility.
"I didn't realise that I should have heard of you already."
Stefan swallowed thickly, shrinking back at the way a knowing smile grew across Colin's face. His usually strong features seemed twisted and ugly, as if he knew something Stefan didn't, and it fuelled a flame of anger that licked fiercely in his chest. With a final twitch of his eyebrows, Colin turned away again, starting up Nohzdyve on his monitor. The same psychedelic text flashed up on screen and Stefan dared to lean forward, chest practically resting on Colin's shoulder as he peered at the screen. Lip caught between his teeth, Stefan watched as the tiny nymph plummeted across the screen, hitting each bubble with a small pop before moving on. A smile began to spread across Stefan's face, as if he were seeing this work of art for the first time, and excitement bubbled in his stomach
But then, again, a piercing screech of protest from the computer and it's screen turned white, prompting Stefan to jerk against Colin's shoulder before moving away completely. His cheeks burned, red and hot, but Colin barely seemed to notice.
"Oh, bollocks" he murmured, already tapping impatiently at the keyboard in front of him. Stefan watched his hands for a moment, ignoring Thakur's cries of protest, before crouching daringly next to Colin and fixing his gaze on the still white screen.
"Did you not fix it yesterday?" Stefan asked apprehensively, his voice barely audible over Thakur's one sided conversation. At his question, Colin seemed to flinch slightly before returning to his rigid stance and turning to meet Stefan's eyes. Reflected in Colin's wide-lensed glasses, Stefan could see his own face, still flushed and wide eyed. He rubbed at his cheeks self consciously, choosing to look back at the computer instead.
"Fix what?" Colin answered eventually, chair creaking as he leaned back in it and laid his hands flat on the keyboard. "Only just broke, didn't it?"
"No, I just meant, yesterday it--"
Colin shut down Stefan with a warning frown as he stood up, chair pushing back abruptly and almost sending Stefan off balance. Before Stefan could stand up, Colin was peering down at him, a new roll up already positioned between his fingers. His shirt had untucked from his jeans slightly and ridden up, revealing a patch of smooth skin and Stefan swallowed, his mouth feeling suddenly dry and chapped. Again, his frown morphed into a knowing smirk as Colin flicked open his lighter, bringing the joint to his lips.
"I'll see you later for the demo."
He spoke around it decisively, signalling the end of the conversation as he sauntered away, leaving Stefan sprawled pathetically on the floor.
----
Later came much too slowly for Stefan's liking; after a day of walking around in a flustered de javu and enduring fleeting side glances from Colin, he was ready to focus on Bandersnatch, the one thing he actually knew how to do. He met both Thakur and Colin in the same dingy back room, a small monitor set up proudly at the front of the room. As soon as Stefan entered, Thakur clapped his hands and watched expectantly as he booted up the computer before holding the controller idly in his hands.
"I-.. What do you want me to do?" Stefan asked after a few moments of silence, perching awkwardly on his chair, centre stage before the monitor.
Thakur laughed at this, as did Colin, and Stefan turned around in confusion. It was the first time he'd heard Colin laugh, albeit over something Stefan had said, and it sounded sour, almost patronising. Colin tilted his head in return, daring Stefan to speak, before Thakur interrupted once again.
"Just play the game, mate, show me the ropes. Can't make an offer without seeing what you've got, can I?"
Stefan flinched at Thakur's choice of words, thinking back to his altercation with Colin the previous evening, before fully taking in what had been said.
"But-" Stefan stuttered, licking his lips and fiddling nervously with the controller, "I already showed you. I mean- I can show you again, obviously, if you want. I just didnt think-"
This time, Thakur's laugh was one of awkward confusion and behind him, Colin shifted, now standing rather than leaning against the edge of the table. Stefan could feel him watching carefully, almost on guard, but resisted the urge to look back at him.
"Stefan, mate, you alright?" Thakur barely waited for a response before snatching the controls from Stefan's hands and crowding behind him. He fiddled uselessly with the remote, causing the control screen to flash and buzz and Stefan clenched his teeth, fingers digging in to his thighs. "I play, you explain, how about that?"
Stefan nodded stiffly, feeling patronised, and directed Thakur to the beginning of the game. He continued like this, Thakur's stomach pressing uncomfortably against the back of Stefan's head, until they reached the same decision point as the day before. A glaring blue creature emerged on screen and Thakur gave a chuckle of appreciation, shifting behind Stefan and speaking out:
"What's this then?" he piped up and Stefan barely stifled a sigh, feeling a similar agitation that he'd felt with his father that same morning.
"It's a decision point. Whichever one you choose leads you down a different path." Stefan explained carefully, silently hoping this might be the last time he'd have to do so.
"Don't worship him." Colin cut in after a moment, shuffling slowly across the carpet to resume Thakur's previous position by the window. The sun leaked in through crooked blinds, framing his face with a golden glow and Stefan fought hard to look away, knowing his expression would give him away. Instead, however, he morphed his face into a frown.
"That's not what you said--"
"Don't worship him." Colin repeated, forcefully and Stefan reeled back, unfamiliar with such a tone. Colin's composure seemed to have deteriorated over the present day, leaving him raw and sensitive. Stefan opened his mouth to argue but Thakur sighed and selected the corresponding option on screen. Colin nodded, seemingly satisfied and hoisted himself up into the window sill, chin resting in his hand for the remainder of the demo, though Stefan was careful not to look in his direction.
"Well, I'd like to make you an offer." Thakur announced eventually, setting down the remote control with a dramatic clack and stepping back towards Colin. He folded his hands together, peering at Stefan expectantly, but Colin seemed blissfully unbothered, his expression hidden beneath the glare of his glasses.
"An offer?" Stefan questioned, deciding to be careful with his words. "Instead of the one we already have in place?"
In response, Thakur laughed brashly, his stomach bouncing with the vibration of it.
"Me inviting you here hardly counts as an offer. Ive seen the game and now I want to make you a real one.
We'll get a team in and everything. What d'ya say?"
By now, Colin was leaning forwards, feet dangling off the windowsill and fidgeting in what seemed to be nervousness. He held Stefan's gaze, strong and unrelenting, and Stefan stared back, trying to decode the narrowing of his eyes. They were sat in close proximity, close enough for Stefan to see the way Colin's eyelashes brushed tenderly against his cheek every time he blinked, and the way he swallowed thickly, adam's apple bobbing beneath the taut skin of his throat. The shadow of stubble grew overtop it, dark unlike the hair on his head, and Stefan wondered what he might look like with dark hair, how it might contrast to his piercing eyes.
"Stefan?" Thakur pushed and Stefan shook himself, drawing his attention to the look of expectation on Thakur's face. "What do you reckon?"
And with that, two choices sitting before him, Stefan grinned, finally relaxing and melting back into his chair as if the right path had been plain to him all along.
"No." He spoke calmly, seeing the whisper of a smile spread slowly over Colin's usually stony features.
"No, thanks."
----
Stefan barely even made it half way down the stairs before he heard those same stumbling footsteps, frantic behind him.
This time, Colin wasted no time, crowding Stefan into the corner of the stairwell where one staircase met another, breath panting hot against his forehead. He looked lost, miserable, a far cry from his usual mellow demeanour and Stefan found himself wanting to reach out and grab the red collar of Colin's shirt, shake it and ask what the fuck is going on?
But yet, he didn't, he stood again and waited for Colin to catch his breath. Heaving pants became shallow sighs and Colin took off his glasses carefully, meeting Stefan's eyes much like he had from his place atop the windowsill. With nothing to intercept, Stefan searched his pupils for some kind of clue, but similar to the numbness of the parameter error, he found nothing.
"Come back to my place. We're going to be working together, after all. Be a good idea to show you the ropes."
His words were the same, but this time it was a demand rather than a question and before Stefan could even consider, he was nodding quickly, hands splayed against the wall. Still, Colin didn't step back, seemingly unsatisfied and he pulled at the strap of Stefan's satchel, causing him to stumble ever closer.
"Make a decision. Yes or No."
Colin's knuckles were digging in painfully by now, sure to leave bruises beneath Stefan's collarbone but he barely noticed, instead focusing on the way that both of their breathing had halted, making for a looming and stretching silence.
And so, with the same quiet confidence as just moments ago, Stefan nodded again and made his decision:
"Yes."
Colin grinned, if only for a moment, before letting Stefan go and leaving him reeling against the wall. Then, with the same speed that he'd arrived, Colin was gone, the Thakursoft front door groaning on it's hinges and the silent expectation that Stefan would follow.
----
Thakur was right, Colin definitely didn't have a Lamborghini.
Instead, he drove a beaten Audi, the model of which Stefan wouldn't even attempt to name. He did however, smoke a lot of roll ups and so despite the lack of conversation it gave Stefan something to focus on during the short drive to Colin's place. The methodical, almost systematic way he brought the stick to his lips, inhaled slowly, held in the smoke and then released it, allowing it to curl freely around the car before it escaped through the crack in the passenger side window. Colin hadn't switched on the radio after starting the engine and Stefan was too afraid to ask, so the only sound was Colin's grunts of irritation as somebody cut across him or the squeak of well worn brakes.
Eventually, however, Colin piped up, rousing Stefan from his daydream:
"Want one?" he said shortly and Stefan frowned, at first confused before Colin gestured the roll up in front of his face. Stefan felt a blush seep across his cheeks before he could even stop it and Colin laughed, quiet and real this time, before depositing his own joint between Stefan's fingers.
"Here, just try."
Stefan glanced over at Colin, apprehensive, but the man already had his eyes back on the road and so Stefan obeyed. He placed the end between his lips, already wet with Colin's spit, and inhaled slowly, remembering the way Colin seemed to savour the act. Immediately, Stefan's eyes stung and as he exhaled, he spluttered out a cough, gasping for breath over the sound of Colin's faint chuckles. Embarrassed, he passed it back, but Colin simply grinned, slow and easy before taking one more drag and stubbing it out on the dashboard. The car came to a slow in front of a towering block of apartments, all large in size and made from a drab brick. Stefan looked up, more surprised than in awe at the fact that Colin would live somewhere so... regular.
"Come on," Colin prompted, throwing open his door much to its protest, "We're here."
Stefan followed, almost on autopilot, limbs heavy and mind racing as he came to the realisation that he was about to walk in to The Colin Ritman's house. Almost knowingly, Colin placed a hand in the middle of Stefan's shoulder blades and ushered him towards the front door as he unlocked it. Colin's hand remained there, warm and heavy, until they'd climbed the stairs to the top floor. Only did he remove it to dig in his pocket for a lonely key which then granted them access to Colin's apartment. Stefan held his breath as the door swung open and he could feel Colin's eyes on him, more likely smug than anything else, as he took in the scene before him. The walls, floor, ceilings, worktops, everything was white, glaring like some sort of quarantine. On the porch sat a clothes horse, draped with pairs of stained jeans and tshirts and the sink was full of dishes, dripping with the remnants of what Stefan could only guess was beans on toast.
Colin shouldered past Stefan abruptly, leaving him hovering on the doorstep, and spoke passively over his shoulder.
"Underwhelmed?" He questioned, and only when he turned a corner did Stefan follow for fear of getting lost.
In response, Stefan shook his head quickly, then realising Colin couldn't see, spoke up.
"No, no, not at all. No."
Colin laughed, though Stefan didn't get the joke, and allowed himself to be lead into yet another room, this time breaking out of the theme. Rather than that buffer error white, the room was dark and dimly lit with a curved leather sofa lining the back wall. In front of it sat a lowly coffee table atop a patterned rug and finally, a singular leather chair in which Colin lowered himself into. Stefan stayed afoot in favour of taking in his surroundings, the posters that littered the walls and the plants that inhabited every free corner. Stefan wondered which part of the house was a better representation of Colin: cold and clinical or frantic and unpredictable.
"Grab a pew." Colin directed after a moment, reminding Stefan that he wasn't the only one in the room. Hesitantly, he sunk down into the cool leather of the sofa, his back rigid against its hard stature. Stefan shouldered off his jacket to the metallic flick of Colin's lighter, something which was becoming familiar frighteningly quickly. From beneath a cloud of smoke which seemed to permanently shroud him, Colin eyed Stefan warily, perhaps deciding against offering him the blunt. Instead, he savoured it for himself as he exhaled through both his nose and mouth. Stefan took the opportunity to let his eyes roam selfishly over the way Colin seemed to melt into his seat, a lack of composure which he rarely showed at Thakursoft. Something he saved for his own, and now Stefan too apparently. Only did Stefan redirect his gaze once Colin's eyes flickered open, but the smugness about his face told Stefan that he knew anyway.
Seeing Colin like this, seemingly defenceless and perhaps more fragile, Stefan felt a surge of confidence which saw him sit up in his seat, eyes fixed adamantly on Colin.
"Tell me what's going on." He demanded, even slightly surprised at the stability of his own tone. Colin seemed to share this disbelief, eyebrows shooting upwards towards his hairline in a quick, sharp movement.
"You're going to have to be more specific." Colin replied after what seemed like a moment of consideration and Stefan sighed, leaning back once again in his seat. Colin stubbed out the blunt slowly, only half finished and folded his now free hands in his lap, though they twitched, obviously uneasy.
"You know what i mean. Today, it's- we've done this, and you know it."
Colin hummed, neither an agreement or an objection, and leaned forward, his jeans squeaking against the leather of the seat. From the table, he picked up a small wooden box, not bothering to glance up at Stefan as he began to unscrew the top.
"Maybe. Time is just a construct after all."
Stefan sighed, agitated, and watched as Colin retrieved two small tabs from within the box. He set the pot back down on the table, careless, leaving two tabs lingering upon the pads of his fingers. He opened his mouth to speak but Stefan interrupted, a surge of anger accompanying his new found confidence.
"Bullshit. Tell we what's going on. I'm serious." Stefan's voice wavered as he spoke, either from the unfamiliarity of being so direct with his feelings or the trepidation he felt under Colin's strong gaze. Either way, his words seemingly had no effect as Colin simply tilted his head, holding his hand up for Stefan to see.
"One for you, one for me. What do you say?"
At this, Stefan frowned, squinting his eyes at the tiny squares that stuck to Colin's fingers. It was a fleeting glance however as Colin opened his mouth, eyes fixed on Stefan's as he deposited one of the tabs on the back of his tongue and shut his mouth once again. He watched Stefan childishly after that, a smug smile gracing his face and Stefan resisted the urge to indulge Colin, doing his best impression of unbothered. Though after a few moments, he couldn't help but wonder:
"What are they?"
The way Colin laughed, patronising and knowing, angered Stefan. If this is what the ropes were, then Stefan wasn't sure he wanted to be shown.
"Helps you see the bigger picture. You want answers don't you?"
Stefan frowned deeply, fixated on Colin's hand before him and the tiny purple tab that seemed to taunt him. He then raised his eyes to meet Colin's, whose pupils were blown both from excitement and other things that Stefan wasn't sure he wanted to know about.
"Yes or No? It's entirely up to you. Don't feel pressured." Colin pushed, ironically, and suddenly, Stefan was on his feet, overwhelmed. Colin was once again the picture of cool composure before him and Stefan sighed angrily at the way he seemed so unbothered, so numb to this all.
"No." Stefan supplied shortly and in one swift movement, he donned his jacket, leaving Colin with his eyebrows raised.
"Leaving so soon?" Colin questioned, though gave Stefan no time to reply as he was already on his feet, ushering Stefan towards the front porch. Once at the door, Colin poised his hands over Stefan's forearms, his grip surprisingly tender compared to the stony expression across his face. A gap in the patio doors allowed for a whistling breeze which caught under Colin's red top and caused it to billow around him, a stark contrast to the pristine white of his hallway. Neither of them spoke, but Colin's hands were still firm on Stefan's arms, meaningful but not something that Stefan could decode. Colin's eyes were searching, running up and down as if Stefan were just another of his video games and he were searching for that missing bracket or invalid function. They bore into him, as if willing him to say something, but Stefan had never been one for words and so he simply stood, allowing the pressure of Colin’s hands around his arm to grow looser and looser until they let go altogether and pulled him into a hovering hug. Chest to chest, Colin's arms wound around him like ivy and Stefan stood, at first stiff but then relaxing, deciding not to question one of the least unusual things that had happened that day.
"Wrong choice." Came a voice in his ear, Colin's rumbling bass except this time it seemed miserable, disappointed, as if he'd expected more. Colin gave Stefan one final squeeze, fingers splayed gently over his spine like a lingering goodbye, before he pulled away and pushed Stefan out of the door. A fleeting glance of black hole pupils was the last Stefan saw before the door shut decisively behind him, sealing him away from Colin like some final fate.
Wrong choice, but had there ever been a right one?
----
Frankie showed no mercy the following morning, blaring out with the same liveliness as every other day. With a groan, Stefan rolled over, the foul taste in his mouth reminding him of Colin and those stupid fucking roll ups.
Up, dressed, teeth brushed, pills taken, but today was going to be different. Stefan thundered downstairs decisively that day, leaving his sugar puffs lonely on the counter and his fathers protests ignored as he headed straight for the door, even his trusty leather jacket abandoned on the coat rack. The only thing weighing him down was his walkman and the Thompson Twins as he boarded a bus in the opposite direction to usual and for the first time in a long time, he felt purpose in the fact that he was actively doing something. Making the right decision, as Colin might say.
Not even half an hour later and Stefan stood, now somewhat hesitant, on the same drab brick porch. In the daylight, it seemed much less intimidating and Stefan wondered if maybe that's why Colin picked it, if perhaps he didn't want to stand out at all. Either way, Stefan knew what he had to do and with that decided, he pushed determinedly on the buzzer before him, shoulder leaning against the arched doorway.
"Hello?' came the static reply, though it did nothing to mask the deep rumble that was so obviously Colin.
"It's me. I mean- it's Stefan" he replied, more impatient than nervous as the line went dead as soon as it had been picked up. Stefan waited, scuffing his heel against worn concrete, confident in the knowledge that Colin wouldn't be able to resist his own curiosity. And he was right, as no sooner had he put down the phone was Colin standing in the doorway, same red shirt and face like thunder.
"What are you doing here?" Colin demanded, crowding the doorway as if to shield Stefan from it's contents. "This isn't how it fucking works."
Colin's voice was a low hiss now, evil and threatening, but Stefan pushed down his familiar shyness in favour of stepping forward, his toes practically touching Colin's. They stared each other out for a moment, Colin's eyebrows arched in both anger and panic, something which Stefan revelled in being able to invoke in him.
"Isn't how what works? Just tell me what's going on!"
Still, Colin offered no explanation. Instead, he stepped off the porch and slammed the door behind him before grabbing Stefan by the wrist roughly, a far cry from his tender nature the night before. Then, before he knew it, Stefan was being pulled towards that same beat up Audi, Colin's finger nails leaving crescent moons on the sheer skin of Stefan's wrist. Stefan followed blindly, unsure how to act in the presence of Colin finally loosing his cool. Deciding to keep quiet, Stefan allowed himself to be pushed into the passenger seat once again, still staying silent as Colin positioned himself in the drivers seat, door slamming behind him. Rather than starting the engine, Colin sat quietly for a moment before regarding Stefan with what seemed like exhaustion rather than anger.
"You can't just- things have to stay the same, alright? You can't change things. Believe me, I've tried."
Stefan nodded slowly, deciding that the only way he would get Colin to speak would be to stay silent himself. Colin glanced up, for once seeming hesitant, and Stefan reached over, placing a hand hesitantly atop Colin's thigh. He gave a reassuring squeeze, hands shaky from inexperience, and Colin showed no sign of either approval or disgust, but carried on talking.
"Every day is the same, even you probably gathered that. Every day has choices - make the wrong one and you wake up, start again. Do something different and you wake up, start again," With this, Colin looked up, desperately holding Stefan's gaze. "It's all trial and error, don't you see? Every choice you make effects the next choice you make but there is only one right choice, one ending thats stops this whole fucking thing. If I tell somebody, It starts again and they've forgotten, There are endless choices to make, endless endings but only one of them is the right one. Only one of them is going to lead on to tomorrow."
By now, Colin was breathless, eyes fleeting frantically around the car as Stefan pressed his fingertips against the materials of his jeans, attempting to ground him. He watched as that familiar veneer of composure and numbness splintered away to reveal hopelessness and misery.
"What if we stop trying to make the right decision? What if we just make the decisions that we actually want to make?" Stefan offered eventually, his eyebrows creased in deep thought. Colin frowned at this also, teeth worrying at his cracked lips.
"What do you mean?" He questioned eventually, voiced tinged with wariness.
"I mean," began Stefan, removing his hand from Colin's leg in favour of talking animatedly, "who dictates whether a decision is right or wrong? Surely it's us? If we make a decision and we look back to regret it, to me, that makes it wrong. So if we just make the decisions that we want to make, rather than doing what we think is going to be perceived as right...."
Stefan trailed off as a small smile began to spread over Colin's face, his head tilted in quiet disbelief. Stefan allowed himself to mirror the expression, blushing slightly as he looked down at his hands, folded neatly in his lap.
"Alright then," allowed Colin, "What d'you wanna do?"
----
Needless to say, they ended up at Stefan's place where Bandersnatch was waiting patiently for them on Stefan's ancient monitor.
It was a strange sight, to see The Colin Ritman perched on the edge of his bed, Bandersnatch cracked open in his lap as Stefan coded idly, only looking up to reference the growing alchemy on his wall. Occasionally, Stefan's computer would let out a screech of protest and Colin would be a warm presence over Stefan's shoulder, fingers working nimbly to fix the problem before he left wordlessly, flopping back down onto the groaning springs of Stefan's mattress. He'd answer Stefan's thankful smile with a nod of his own before looking back down at the creased book, just managing to hide the seeping flush across his cheeks.
Day grew to night, however and eventually, Stefan was forced to pause coding at regular intervals in order to stifle a domineering yawn. Colin looked up at this, smiling slightly and watching Stefan for a moment before closing Bandersnatch and stretching out his legs across the bed.
"You want to stop coding. Yes or No?"
Colin smiled knowingly as Stefan laughed, saving his code wordlessly before shutting down his monitor and shuffling across the carpet, finally joining Colin at the opposite end of the bed. They sat in silence for what seemed like hours but in reality was probably only a few minute before Stefan bumped his ankle against Colin's, prompting him to look up.
"How long?" Stefan asked quietly and immediately saw Colin withdraw, fingers clenching slightly into the bedsheets. At this reaction, Stefan knew he needn’t elaborate any further and so he pressed his foot more firmly against Colin's, unrelenting - Colin sighed, tongue darting out to wet his lips nervously.
"Uh- about two years. I've never had somebody else though, so it...y'know?" His voice was barely a mumbled by the end but Stefan hummed in understanding, still watching Colin carefully and taking in the fan of his eyelashes as he looked down, obviously embarrassed.
"That's a long time, I'm sorry." Came Stefan's earnest reply but Colin shrugged almost immediately, again donning his unbothered facade. Stefan frowned at this, shifting closer and crossing his legs until they were sat knee to knee. Tentatively, Stefan brought up a hand and splayed his fingers across Colin's cheek, breath held painfully in his chest. Colin didn't flinch as Stefan had expected but instead exhaled slowly, eyes closing and head tilting slightly into Stefan's touch. His cheek was surprisingly warm, burning almost and Stefan felt a pinch of guilt that Colin had known him every day for two years, and yet he'd only known Colin for the past two days. With this in mind, Stefan spoke out again, thumb pressing gently at the bags beneath Colin's eyes.
"How many times did you try to tell me?" He asked carefully, eyebrows knitted into a frown of pity.
Colin shrugged yet again, opening his eyes to watch Stefan before shaking his head slightly.
"Don't look like that. S'not like it's your fault, is it?" Colin mumbled, avoiding the question, but Stefan accepted it. Rather than pressing further, he took Colin's bluntness as an end to the conversation and took to moving his thumb slowly over his cheek. He was without his glasses in the rush to get to the door and without them, a map of freckles were exposed over the bridge of his nose and cheeks. Colin held his breath at this and Stefan smiled softly, allowing himself to inch ever closer until their ankles and calves were over lapping, both uncomfortable and perfect at the same time. Stefan dared not look now once they were this close so he too closed his eyes, instead focusing on the warmth of Colin's skin beneath his finger tips and the thud of his heart beneath his chest, frantic and longing.
"You want to kiss me." Colin broke out after a moment, voice seemingly too loud and surprisingly clear considering the situation, "Yes or No?"
Stefan laughed breathily, barely managing an answer before he pulled Colin's head down and their lips met, barely brushing. Stefan allowed his hands to slide round to the back of Colin's neck, brushing against his unkempt hairlines, and leaned in again, this time more insistent as he pressed their lips together, firm and decisive. Colin's hands seemed to tremble as he slid them around Stefan's waist, teeth dragging over his bottom lip before he pulled away, opening his eyes to take Stefan in.
"Right decision." He mumbled, that same smug smile gracing his face and Stefan laughed, pushing weakly at Colin's chest.
"Right decision." Stefan agreed, pushing Colin down and laying beside him, their legs knocking together in a bed barely big enough for one.
That night they spoke about anything and everything, confident in the fact that every decision was a right decision, and even if it wasn't, they'd still wake up on the same path, in the same construct of time.
Together.
----
Frankie showed no mercy the following morning, blaring out with the same liveliness as every other day. With a groan, Stefan rolled over, the foul taste in his mouth reminding him of Colin and that stupid fucking mouth.