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Chapter Text

When Madeleine decided to stay with James, he was shocked but not opposed. He figured when everything was over, they would go their separate ways, not unlike his other missions. He had not considered staying with her. Not after the job was done and Blofeld was finally behind bars. He promised White he would protect her and he had. Not for one moment did he think about a long term relationship. It had been years since he had considered that with anyone. There had not been anyone. Not since Casino Royale. Not since Vesper.

Vesper.

Before James became a Double-O he thought his heart was invincible. No amount of lovers or flings could change that. Their deaths did not often phase him. Not until Vesper.

Vesper.

Vesper Lynd taught him that trusting just anyone is a futile matter. James was ready to run away with her, give her everything he had until he was reduced to nothing but a memory. He looked at her like she was his whole world and all of the stars beyond it. Her smile sparked with stark mischief and passion and every time she brushed against him, heat danced delightfully under his skin. She was witty, fierce, and beautiful, but had her insecurities and fears. Whenever James tried to convince himself that Vesper was heartless and cold, he always brought himself back to the night at Casino Royale. She sat in the running shower, completely clothed, her knees tucked in, an expression of sheer pain and fright staring straight ahead. He remembered the sadness in her voice as she asked him if it got any easier. He remembered taking her hand in his mouth and holding her close as she shivered and cried. He remembered thinking that whatever happened to him, he would not allow any harm to befall Vesper. Even after LeChiffre. After she stole the money. After she locked herself in the lift. Vesper was personal.

“I love you.”

James had not heard those words since Vesper and when Madeleine said them, he felt sorry for her. He wished he had never gotten her involved. He promised he’d protect her - he should have known better. Bond had always been shite at protecting people. He should never have agreed to such a task and during his torture, he thought for sure, Madeleine would be killed as well. Wherever Bond went, death seemed to follow.

Vesper.

Fields.

Severine.

Mathis.

M.

James knew M would never approve of him running off like this. Not for something trivial like love.

Love.

Bond did not love Madeleine. He didn’t even know if he was capable of such an emotion after Vesper. That thought crossed his mind during Franz’s torturous monologuing, not to mention the actual torture. Bond admired Madeleine. She was definitely intelligent and resilient. Her brash attitude reminded him of Vesper and he thought that when they finally made love, it would be different from his countless flings. And it was. It definitely meant more than sex. James took care of her. He was gentle with her. Madeleine was a promise. But even so-

“Always makes me feel a little melancholy.”

Q had been talking about the painting on that day, but it was a feeling Bond knew all too well. He hated goodbyes. It left a horrible feeling in his stomach and sometimes it was worse than watching people die. When Camille walked away, he felt sick, unsure if the threat of Quantum still loomed over her, and when he left the widow Lucia, he was sure she would die. No knowing their fates haunted him every day. He assume Madeleine would join them.

“Bond?”

Before he left with Madeleine, James made sure to keep his goodbyes brief. He sent an email confirming his resignation to Mallory and left a note on Moneypenny’s desk. The only person he bid his farewells to in person was Q.

“But we have a car,” Madeleine frowned upon hearing Bond’s request to go back to MI6 to retrieve the Aston Martin. “Your desire for pop and glamour does not cease to give me a migraine.”

James smiled and winked. “I won’t be long.” He sauntered into Q Branch in the most dramatic way he could conjure. Q looked genuinely surprised and his green eyes brightened a little once he saw the agent. “Good morning, Q.”

The Quartermaster furrowed his brow and his mouth opened slightly as he stuttered, “I…. I… I thought you’d gone,” he finally managed to say.

“I have,” Bond shrugged. “There’s just one thing I need.”

James waved to Q once he had the Aston’s keys in hand and before he turned away, he saw the green in Q’s eyes darken again.

As James Bond and Madeleine Swann watched to shadow of MI6 fade behind them, Bond tried to convince himself that leaving was the right decision. Blofeld was gone. Madeleine stayed, and even though James did not love her then, but he was sure he would grow to.

“Enjoy your downtime, 007.”

One year later, he was back in front of Mallory’s desk, practically begging for his former position.

“Didn’t work out?” Mallory raised an eyebrow.

“Something like that,” Bond huffed, eager to change the subject. “Look, M…. I just-”

“I am completely willing to give you your position back, Bond. Do calm down. I’ve been meaning to sack Jenson anyway. He’s a bloody awful shot.”

James nodded. “Thank you, sir. I assume there’s a catch.”

“I wouldn’t call it a catch, 007. You’re to report to medical and psych for the basic evaluations, and also to Q Branch for documentation.”

“Understood, sir.”

As Bond closed the door behind him, he heard a familiar chuckle. “Where’s the girl, James?”

“None of your business, Moneypants,” James rolled his eyes, avoiding Eve’s hungry gaze. “You shouldn’t be snooping.”

Moneypenny pouted. “What am I to do, then? There are no exciting missions and a girl can get rather bored.”

James finally met her eye and smiled, ready to be equally as nosy. “Well, what about that fellow from before? The one you had over at the dead of night? Don’t you have him to keep you company? Or is there another fellow?”

“Susan is in Italy this week,” Eve moped. “She doesn’t get back til Sunday. It’s been dreadful.”

“At least she doesn’t have to put up with your yammering right now,” Bond waved as he turned in the direction of Q Branch. “I’ll see you later, Eve.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be so eager to see the Quartermaster,” Eve cooed innocently.

James frowned. “Why not? I thought you said there was nothing exciting happening.” For Q, an “exciting” day at Six meant he was in his own personal hell.

“It’s nothing like that, James. He’s quite cross with you.”

Huh? “What on earth do you mean?”

“Well, it’s like this, James….” Eve sighed. “You can’t just disappear for a year with some girl, not give anyone back here any updates, come back, and act like everything’s normal. At least you shouldn’t have done that to Q.”

“You lot know that I don’t keep in touch,” Bond shrugged.

“Yes, but Q is-” Eve started, but cut herself off. “You know what… go off. You’ll see.”

Bond didn’t think much of it, and he realized he should have taken Eve’s words more seriously when he finally strutted back into Q Branch and laid eyes on a very cold set of green eyes. “007,” Q’s voice was distant and frigid. It caught James off guard. “Back so soon?” his voice dripped with sarcasm.

James winced. “It’s only been a year. Are you upset with me, Q?”

The Quartermaster ignored him and instead handed the agent a stack of paperwork. “These are some slight changes we’ve made to the program to ensure security. Please look over them during your first few days back,” he turned abruptly and began speaking to a field agent, dismissing Bond entirely. It stung. James figured that if anyone were to be warm and receptive to his return, it would be Q, since he was the only one Bond bothered to say farewell to face to face. Had he done something wrong? “Is there something else you need, 007?” Q was facing James again, looking as cold as he had moments ago. “I’m quite busy.” James held back a laugh. There were only three minions in Q Branch and he assumed R was on holiday.

“Are you?”

“As a matter of fact I am,” Q shot back. “Now is there anything I can help you with or are do you insist on being a consistent thorn in my side?”

“That’s not what I-” James was taken aback by Q’s harsh tone. “Look, what’s your-”

“Good afternoon, 007,” Q hissed, recoiling from Bond’s presence, like he was some kind of insect.

All Bond could think about for the rest of the day was what on Earth he had fucked up so badly that Q, someone who he thought was his friend, would treat him with such hostility.

Chapter Text

Q did not except James to come back for a while- a few weeks at the most. The agent got bored extremely quickly. And at the very least, he excepted to hear from the infamous Double Oh every now and then. 

"I'll send you a postcard." 

"Please don't," He remembered feigning his disgust for the sake of his career and dignity - if Bond knew how he really felt, Q would never hear the end of it from anyone, and Eve was already insufferable about it. 

It started out as just a crush, as most of them do, but after James asked for Q's help getting to Skyfall under the radar, he realized it might turn out to be a tad more annoying than that.

Crushes, Q could handle. Legitimate feelings were a completely different story. 

After Skyfall, every woman he ended up seducing was a punch in the gut. Every time he disappeared, Q would worry day and night until he returned. 

But sometimes Bond would just leave. 

And then he'd come back. 

He always came back. 

But whenever James returned, he was never with anyone. One of the things Bond was known for was being emotionally detached, despite his sexual conquests. 

Madeleine Swann was a variable Q didn't predict. 

"Q, Dr. Swann. Dr. Swann, Q." 

After getting on a bloody plane to save James Bond's career, risking his own in the process, of course Q discovered that 007 had already found his token girl for the mission - Moneypenny referred to them as "Bond girls." 

"Charmed," Q did not mean for his words to come out so raw and bitter. He did not understand why he was so shocked. He should not have expected any less from MI6's womanizer. 

Still, it was just like any other mission, wasn't it? When it was over and done with, he'd leave her behind. 

But he didn't. 

After James refused to kill Franz, Q waited eagerly for him to turn around and walk back to Mallory and Eve. Tanner and R. 

To Q. 

But he didn't 

Instead, James didn't look back. He moved forward. To Madeleine. 

It wasn't fair. After everything Q had done for Bond, the agent still ended up looking in the wrong direction. 

Look at me, Q pleaded. For the love of God, at least do that. 

Moneypenny must have seen the devastated look in his eyes. "Sweet boffin," She smiled sadly. "You're too good for him." 

Bond was gone for a few days. When he showed up again, it was at Q-Branch. Q looked up to see his looming silhouette standing just outside the lift. 

"Bond?" 

"Good morning, Q." His ice blue eyes seemed softer as he looked at the Quartermaster.

What is he- is he- no.... Q dismissed any thought involving a confession. That is not what Q was to Bond. 

"I thought you left," Q's heart was beating faster and faster as each moment passed. What did Bond want? Where was Madeline? 

"I have," Bond admitted and Q deflated a bit. "There's just one thing I need." 

Of course, Q felt as if he had been shot in the heart. Bond came for the car. Not for anything else. Not for Q. Bond was not that kind of person. Despite what most people thought, Bond was not unpredictable. Q always knew how everything would play out. It all ended the same.

Bond asks Q for help.

Q shouldn't, but always agrees.

Because of these damn feelings. 

Bond would get hurt.

Q would not sleep out of sheer worry.

Because of these damn feelings. 

Bond would get back up again.

Q would cry out of relief.

Because of these damn feelings.

Bond would find a girl.

Q would cry out of sheer devastation. 

Because of these damn feelings. 

Bond would leave her behind. 

Q would think; It'll be different this time. 

Because of these fucking feelings. 

It always ended with Bond driving into the sunset. 

And it always ended with Q sitting in the dark, alone. 

And it always would. 

When news of Bond's return to MI6 reached Q's ear, he surprisingly found himself not caring. 

At least not at first. 

Not until Bond waltzed his stupidly handsome figure down to Q-Branch. 

"It's only been a year. Are you upset with me, Q?" 

Of course I'm upset with you, you arse. Q's blood boiled and he felt sick to his stomach. You keep breaking my heart over and over again and leave me to pick up the pieces. Quite frankly, I'm done. 

"Good afternoon, 007." 

I'm so fucking done.

"Sweet boffin, are you sure you don't want me to take you home?" 

Drinks with Moneypenny either made Q feel better or worse. She was always brutally honest and helpful. "I'm fine, Eve."

Eve shook her head. "That's not true. We always go through this, Q, and this time it's particularly bad. He's tearing you apart." 

Q could not deny that. "It'll get better, Eve," he slurred. "It always gets better." 

"It will only happen again!" Eve cried. "Q, I don't like this! It's killing you!"

It is. Oh god, it is. "Eve, I don't need any help. I've always managed on my own."

"Oh, really? Who's been the one who gives you advice and stays over at your flat when you're up crying and moping over him?" 

Q winced. Me and my fucking inconsiderate self. "I'm sorry." 

She huffed. "That's all right. Just remember, I could be in Italy with Susan! I stayed because I knew you'd be an absolute wreck. Look, Q..." she gently clasped her hand in his. The neon lights of the signs in the bar bounced off of her skin. Her eyes shined with determination. "There are so many stars, you know? More than you think. The same goes for people. James was your star for a while, Q. But you aren't his. Don't you think it's time to let him go?" 

A lump formed in Q's throat his vision blurred. He wasn't sure if it was because of the alcohol, his emotions, or both. "I... I don't know if I can, Eve." 

Moneypenny's gaze suddenly turned so visibly sad and helpless. "Oh, honey...." she bit her lip. "Honey, I think you might be-" 

Eve was cut off by a wave of loud murmurs and chatter as the door to the bar swung open. Q hated that he was facing in that direction because-

"Come on, James.... You won't even tell me?" Alex Trevelyan- 006 

"It must have been pretty bad. She didn't die, right? I remember Vesper. Damn, she got you good." Nathan Craig- 008 

"Don't feel too sorry for her, Craig. Wasn't she just a conniving bitch, James? Madeleine seemed naive. Dumb girls are always better." Ben Corden- 003

Q was hoping Bond didn't see him and would just stay focused on the vulgar things his vulgar friends were saying. But of course, as soon as 007 entered the bar, his bright blue eyes immediately found Q. 

"What a load of animals," Eve snorted. "I'm not sure why Alec and James even bother." 

"What was that about my colleagues, Miss Moneypenny?" James took the seat next to Q at the bar, and winked at Eve. "Care to help me kill them?" 

"As if you'd do that. They're the only ones you can compare prick sizes with." 

As Eve and James talked, Q decided that he found his the floor extremely fascinating. 

"Q, you all right?" 

As Q finally met Bond's eyes for the second time that evening. The agent was smiling brightly. 

Q wanted to slap it off of him. "Yes, 007," he tried to remain professional but his drunken state made a bit difficult. His voice cracked and the words came out extremely cynical. "I'm absolutely fine, aren't I Eve?" He turned to face Moneypenny but she was already gone. 

Damn. 

"I'm sorry if I upset you earlier, Q," Bond's words were surprisingly genuine. "I should have announced that I would be coming by." 

Q sighed. Does he have to look so pitiful when he apologizes? "That's not-" 

"Also, I should have brought the car back. I'm sorry about that too." 

Fucking hell. James was genuinely trying to make amends. Granted, he didn't know the real reason, but at least...

At least he knew Q was angry. 

"It's all right. I can make another car." 

"That's good," James playfully shoved his shoulder. "I was worried you were legitimately pissed at me or something," he laughed. 

Q froze. "What?" 

"I'm saying I'm glad we can act like we did before is all. I'm glad we're still friends." 

Friends.

Friends. 

Friends. 

Was Bond really that fucking blind? That fucking ignorant? That fucking heartless? 

"Did I say something?" Bond's words might as well have killed Q. Of course he said something. And before that, he had said nothing. He had done nothing. Q looked at him as coldly as he had ever looked at anyone. The words that came out next he only half regretted:

"Fuck you." 

Bond looked like he had been slapped in the face. His smile vanished just as quickly as it had appeared. "Q.... Q is everything-" 

Q wiped away the tears that had started to fall as soon as he realized Bond had seen them.

He ran out of the bar, pushing past all of the Double Ohs, who had already started to gossip. 

He didn't look back. 

Chapter Text

I don’t get it. 

I don’t fucking get it. 

What’d I say? 

What’d I do?

James didn't think he'd see Q at the pub. He never saw Q at the pub. Hell, he never saw Moneypenny either, not unless she was with Susan or R. He didn't know Eve and Q were friends, but then again, he did not know much about Q. James only needed to know that he could trust the man. 

And he could. 

Over the years, he had grown very fond of the boffin. The man's age threw him off a bit at first, but after Q helped Bond and M get to Skyfall, James came to respect him. 

"He'll have the pyrolytic digestive enzyme shake." 

Q's arrival in Austria was quite unexpected. If anything, James figured Eve would be the one to retrieve him, but instead it was the scrawny Quartermaster. 

"If you've come for the car, I've parked it at the bottom of the Tiber." Bond attempted a joke, but could tell Q was more than a tad irritated. 

"Franz Oberhauser is dead- dead and buried. And unless you come back with me right now, my career and Moneypenny's will go the same way." 

Q was risking his entire career and James had dragged Eve into it as well. And despite that, James still managed to convince Q to stay on board. "Do one more thing for me, will you? And then you're out." 

"I really really hate you right now." 

Bond grinned. "Thank you, Q." 

After the events regarding Blofeld's organization SPECTRE, James started to consider Q as one of his closest friends- one of his only friends, actually. 

So why? 

"Fuck you." 

Why did Q look at him like that? Like there was no one he could possibly hate more than James Bond. Like there was no one more disgusting and dreadful on the face of the planet. 

James had never heard Q talk like that. Q had never looked at him like that. Q had never-

Tears started to well up in the Quartermaster's eyes. 

Did I make Q cry? 

I made Q cry. 

"Q... Q, is everything-" 

The last thing Bond wanted was for the boffin to leave. James wanted to understand why Q was hurting. Because he was. Bond knew what hurt looked like. What it felt like. 

Talk to me, Bond was going to say, but Q immediately wiped away the tears, turned, and ran away. James was too shocked to follow. "Q..." 

"What the hell was that about, James?" Alec took Q's seat. "Look like you broke him." 

"I..." Why can't I think? "I dunno... I just-" I just hope he'll talk to me. "- I just hope he gets home all right." 

The next day, Bond was told to report directly to M's office. 

"You've been temporarily reassigned, 007." 

James' eyes widened in shock. "I beg your pardon?" 

"You heard me," Mallory yawned. "Q is using all of his sick days. He'll be back at the end of the month. Said he needed a long break, and I'll say he needs it. In the five years he's worked here, he hasn't taken a single day off." 

I know. "Do you know where he went, sir?" 

"Not sure. I imagine it's a family thing."

Family. Bond thought Q was an orphan. "Who have I been assigned to?" 

"R. She'll take care of you in the meantime. But fair warning... she's not as fond of you."

Wanna bet? "I see. Thank you, sir." Bond turned to leave.

"Another thing, 007." 

James frowned. "Yes." 

"It's probably best if you leave Q alone for now," Mallory raised an eyebrow. "I'm telling everyone the same thing- he did not look well. It was probably the worst I've ever seen him. Reminded me of stories of you, back in the day." 

"That so?" Bond did not have to ask. M was referring to Casino Royale and Quantum. "I doubt it's that bad." 

"Perhaps. Well... that's all for now, 007. I'll see you back here on Thursday for your mission debriefing. Do enjoy your downtime beforehand." 

Bond nodded. "Good afternoon, sir." 

As he left M's office, the thoughts of Q only increased. Was he really on a leave of absence for family reasons? Did someone pass away? Is that why he was hurting so terribly? "Bugger," he mumbled. "It's probably nothing."

"Well if you think that, then you're even more stupid than I thought." 

I've really got to stop talking to myself. "Moneypenny... what are you up to?" 

Eve glared at James from behind her desk. "I'm quite cross with you, James. You've upset our Quartermaster." 

"I have, have I?" So it was me? What on Earth- "What exactly have I done, Eve?" 

"I tried warn you," the secretary sighed. "He's not happy with you, and now he might never be happy with you again." 

"What the hell is going on, Eve?" Bond growled, storming up to her desk. "I'm just about-"

"-about what, James?" Moneypenny snapped. "Are you tired of not knowing? Are you annoyed with me for trying to help? I shouldn't even be saying anything to you, but you're such an oblivious arse, I have no choice! You're so full of yourself, James- so busy thinking about yourself that you don't even know what you're doing to other people!" 

"What I'm-" James froze. Q? Does this have to do with Q? "Eve, what did I do to him?" 

"That's not my place to say, James. It's his. Now bugger off," she snarled. "I actually have work to do." 

What the fuck? 

After James left for his mission on Thursday, he didn't come back for two months. He couldn't. Eve treated him with such hostility over the days after their fight. 

And it's not like he had anyone else. 

Q was gone. 

Madeleine was done with him. 

And when James returned, he had know idea if tensions would still be high. 

"So busy thinking about yourself that you don't even know what you're doing to other people!" 

"Fuck you." 

James hated change when it came to his simpler life - Moneypenny chatting with him and Q's teasing. Would it all be the same when he returned? When he was out in the field, things were chaotic enough. He did not want that applied to his social life as well. 

"It's about time, 007," Mallory rolled his eyes when Bond walked in his office two months later. "I almost gave your position away." 

"That's almost laughable, sir." 

"Quite. Well, since you decided to take some time off, we'll be sending you off to Peru first thing tomorrow morning. Q will debrief you." 

Suddenly, all Bond could feel was just this sinking feeling of absolute dread. "Yes, sir." 

As he left M's office, Eve did not even look up from her computer. 

Q Branch was particularly busy and James figured is was because of Alex's recovery mission in Russia. Boffins lurched over computer screens and Bond could hear R barking orders. Q was lurking in the back. Bond almost missed him. He was standing in a corner, sipping tea out of his scrabble mug. "Q..." He cautiously strolled up to the Quartermaster. 

"007," Q smiled wryly. "Back from your unannounced holiday?" 

James shifted uncomfortably. It did not seem like Q was still angry, but something still wasn't right. "Yes. I needed some fresh air."

"Don't we all?" Q sighed. "If you'll hold on for a bit, 007... I'm enjoying listening to R yell at 006. It's highly entertaining. I'll give you your equipment afterwards. That all right with you?" 

Bond did not know what to say. Was everything fine? Moneypenny was obviously still cross, but what about Q? 

Yes. What about him, James? 

"That's all right," James affirmed, unable to keep himself from frowning a little.

"Is something the matter, 007?" Q gazed at the agent curiously. 

"Not really. Nothing in particular." 

What about him, James? 

"In particular? Are you in a hurry, 007?" 

What about him? 

"Well...." You shouldn't be this worried about him. "It's just been a while since I've seen you." 

"And?" 

James winced. It's been two months. Why can't I just leave it alone? "I'm just-"

"Just what, 007?" James could tell Q was growing impatient. "For God's sake, what on Earth is it?" 

He knows what it is. He should. There's no way he doesn't. Bond didn't know why he was so obsessed with finding out the reason behind the Quartermaster's tears and if he really had something to do with it. "I just want to know if you're better." 

"Better?" 

This was probably a mistake. I have no idea how I'm going to address this. "Just..." Maybe he was so drunk, he forgot. "Never mind. It's not important." 

Q's green eyes hardened. The grip on his mug tightened. He cleared his throat. "I see." And then he walked off. Not in a sulk or a storm. It wasn't angry or upset. 

But it also wasn't Q.

Why does this bother me so much? 

It shouldn't mean anything to me. 

But it does.

Why? 

Three months after that, Bond walked into the pub for the first time since that night. He and Moneypenny had made up, although that had not really discussed Q since their confrontation. He was meeting her, Susan, and some mutual friends for dinner. 

"Jaaaaammmmmeeesssss!" A drunken Eve cheered as soon as he stepped into the pub's threshold. "Who've you brought?" 

"Nobody, Moneypants," James rolled his eyes as he approached their table. "Hello Susan. Hello.... oh." 

Moneypenny sat on one side of a booth, arms wrapped around a blushing red head. On the other side was a gentleman with cropped brown hair and dark ocean eyes, and sitting next to him-

"Is this James?" The gentleman grinned. "I'm Ian! Eve's talked about you a lot. As has this one," he nudged the man sitting on his right. "Haven't you, luv?" 

Q smiled shyly, not quite meeting Bond's eyes. "I suppose so." 

Q. 

Q. 

Q was there. 

In a pub. 

In the pub. 

He was wearing a sweater and a beanie. (Can't see his curls). He was blushing, just like Susan. 

Q. 

Q looked happy. 

James didn't know why but he suddenly felt sick. It was almost like someone had ripped open all of the scars all over his body. "I'm..." (I'm bloody overwhelmed that's what I am. I can't fucking breathe). "I need to go," he decided. "I... I need to-"

I need to fucking leave. 

I need to fucking leave. 

It all made sense. 

Of course it did. 

It had to make sense at the worst fucking time. 

It took until that moment for it to get through James' thick head. 

I broke his fucking heart. 

Chapter Text

What the hell what the hell what the hell what the hell what the fuck? 

What the fuck? 

What the fuck???

James' panic was completely internal until he reached his flat. As soon as the door closed behind him, he reached up, pulling at his hair until his scalp begun to ache. His throat and mouth were completely dry, and he felt like his heart could burst out of his chest at any moment. 

I knew. Surely I knew. Bond collapsed on his couch, kicking and pushing all the opened boxes in his way. There's no way I didn't know. 

"My whole career is on the line here." 

"I really really hate you right now." 

No. 

"Please don't."

Stop. 

"So much for my promising career in espionage." 

"I thought you'd gone." 

Stop it. 

"Always makes me feel a little melancholy." 

Melancholy. 

"The inevitability of time." 

Time. 

"Don't you think?" 

"Stop!" James suddenly slung the box closest to him against the room. It was smaller. It hit the wall opposite of him, just below the telly. It fell to the ground. James heard the sound of breaking glass. 

Shit, James quickly scrambled to his feet and rushed over to the box. Shit, shit, shit. Please don't tell me it's- He opened the box. Breathed a sigh of relief. 

It was only a vase. 

Not the ceramic bulldog left to him. 

Not M's reminder to never leave the field. 

As much as James hated the ugly thing, it was the only thing that she left to him and he cherished it. 

His frustration could have destroyed it. 

His frustration. 

His anger. 

Above all, his confusion. 

"Q..." Bond muttered, pressing his face in his hands. He felt like such a git. How did he not know? Maybe it was because Q had never said anything about being interested in men. Maybe it was because Q seemed so invested in his work that Bond never thought of him as someone who would consider dating anyone. 

Dating. 

It's not as if that were Bond's style either. It's not like he hadn't tried it. Women and men had no difficulty accepting or offering invitations to a nice meal or outing. 

Nothing ever stuck. Not even when he met people in field. Certainly not when he met people in the field. Before Vesper, he hadn't bothered. She had been different. And he thought Madeleine was different. 

"James, I love you. You know that." 

No. 

"Yes." 

"Then what are you hiding from me?" 

I don't love you.

"Nothing." 

"You're lying to me." 

I know. 

"I'm not." 

"You miss MI6." 

Sometimes. 

"Of course not." 

"You miss the field." 

Sometimes.

"No." 

"You don't love me, James." 

No. 

"James?" 

"No."

"007, we're shipping you out to Paris for the next two weeks. Debrief with Q." 

"Sir." 

It makes sense. 

He always helped me. 

He didn't have to.

"PPK, plane tickets, and a radio. It's a rather self explanatory mission." 

"Thank you, Q." 

"Don't thank me. It's my job." 

I wonder how long it's been going on. 

Since Skyfall? 

Definitely since Blofeld. 

"Ah, 007... Back so soon? Would you mind taking over 009's mission in Taiwan? He's come down with the flu." 

"I don't mind at all, sir." 

He always looked at me in a way that sharply contrasted to the way he looked at everyone else. 

It was different. 

He saw me differently. 

I was something to him.

"Taiwan is a tad more difficult than your last mission, but I'm sure you'll be able to handle it." 

"You are?" 

"If you don't feel confident, 007, I will gladly request for M to send 006." 

"That's not what I was saying, Q." 

"Then enlighten me, 007." 

"Will you stop calling me that?" 

Maybe-

"What on Earth do you mean, 007?" 

"I have a name!" 

"Of course you do, but this is-"

Maybe he's something to me. 

"Forget it. I'll see you when I get back Q. Or not." 

"Good luck out there in the field, 007."

Maybe he was always something to me. 

Over the next half a year, Bond couldn't really think about anyone but Q. How much things had changed. What James had done to fuck it up. And every now and then, he lashed out at Q, hoping that the boffin would understand. 

All James got were glares and nods, more mechanical than human. 

More Quartermaster than Q. 

Q had given up on him. 

Just when James started to understand, Q decided to push him away. 

"Fuck you." 

How could Q expect James to forget about that? 

Dozens of women had looked Bond in the eye and said those exact same words and he hadn't bat an eye, but when Q said it, it was like someone knocked the wind out of the agent. 

With Q it was different. 

"If you don't love me, James... why are you here?" 

"I don't know." 

"Then you should go back." 

With Q, James did not feel obligated to do anything. 

"We should?" 

"I'm not going anywhere, James. If you don't love me, there's no need to stay." 

"I suppose you're right." 

With Q, James wanted to be forgiven. He just wanted the man to look at him the same way he used to. 

"James, will you ever be satisfied?" 

"I don't think that's the issue." 

"Then what is?" 

"I think I just need to feels something again. And you're not what I'm looking for." 

With Q, James felt something. 

As soon as James got back from Taiwan, he went to Moneypenny's flat. A woman with curly red hair and dark brown eyes answered the door. She smiled brightly. "Hey, James. What's up?"

"I'm all right, Susan. Is Eve home?" 

"Sure is. Lovepenny!" She yelled, stepping out so James could enter. "Bond's here!"

Eve was in the kitchen, rummaging through a cabinet. She nearly hit her head on the counter when she saw James. "Hey! I didn't know you were back!"

"Surprise," Bond smiled weakly. Eve frowned.

"What's up?" 

James sighed. "I need your help, Eve. You were right. I fucked up. I need to fix it. Q..." It hurt even more to say the Quartermaster's name out loud. "Q loved me, didn't he?" 

The room fell silent. Eve nearly dropped the pan she was holding. 

Was it a mistake, going to Eve for help? Surely not. She knew. If anyone could help, it was her. 

Suddenly an ecstatic grin spread on her face. "You came around." 

"Yeah. Eve... Eve, I want to tell him I'm sorry. I want to... I want him to smile at me again. I want us to be okay and..." Bond shrugged. "I think... I think I want there to be an us." 

Moneypenny marched over to Bond, pulled him over to the couch, and sat him down. "Me and Susan are about to make dinner and then we'll talk. Just so you know, James... It's not going to be easy." 

James sighed. "I know." 

He thought of Q's frozen gaze and cold disposition. 

"But I think...." 

He thought of Q's warm smile and bright green eyes. 

"I think it will be worth it, in the end." 

Chapter Text

James was acting different. After the night in the pub, Q saw him less and less. And for a while that bothered him. 

But then it didn't. 

He met Ian during his time off from Six. He was nice, thoughtful, and handsome. Quite clingy though. Q never cared for clingy. It always made him feel guilty. 

"You're always so busy with work. A lot of companies need tech support these days, I suppose." 

"I like staying busy."

Q liked Ian well enough, but he was very sociable with Eve. That worried him, especially because of her love for gossip, but it didn't really get under his skin until-

"God, Q... you sound like James."

"James? Who's James?" 

What the hell? After several months of dating Ian, Q had managed not to talk about James - he hadn't even mentioned him - Moneypenny had to open her big mouth. 

"James is one of Q's friends! Has he not mentioned him?" 

"No... no he hasn't." 

"Eve, what the fuck?"  The next day, Q didn't hesitate to storm over to Moneypenny's desk on his way to Q Branch. "Why did you talk about James last night? And why did you give him the job of a realtor of all things?" 

"Realtors are nice people, Q." 

"Yeah. So why? Also... I hadn't mentioned James to him on purpose and now Ian thinks I'm hiding something."

"You are." 

"Yes, but I didn't feel bad about it until now!"

"Why would you feel bad? And why would you keep it a secret?"

"You know why, Eve." 

"Yes, but I thought you were 'over' him. If that's really the case, then why hide such a thing?" 

"Eve, you know I'm not completely over him. It's a slow process.  

"That'."

"That was the other day."

"What happened between then and now?" 

"Q?" 

Q used to be haunted by the shape of Bond's back as he walked off with Madeleine. 

Now he was haunted by the ghostly white color that Bond's face turned when he saw Q with Ian. 

But unlike the former, Q was sure the latter was only his imagination.

"Hector, why did your friend leave so quickly after arriving?"

"Not sure." 

"It was awfully rude of him." 

"I guess."

"Hector, is everything all right?" 

"I'm very tired, Ian. I'll see you tomorrow." 

"Alright."

"Taiwan is a tad more difficult than your last mission, but I'm sure you'll be able to handle it."

"You are?" 

"If you don't feel confident, 007, I will gladly request for M to send 006." 

"That's not what I was saying, Q." 

"Then enlighten me, 007." 

"Will you stop calling me that?"

Q blinked. Since the incident at the pub, there had been six months of utter professionalism from Bond. Each mission had gone by smoothly. He could tell Bond knew he had wronged Q somehow and he was keeping his distance. Things were almost natural, except Q didn't want to get too close. Not again. He was in such a good place. 

And then Bond had to say something completely out of character in a way that was also unusual, especially when he was speaking to Q. 

Is he....

"What on Earth do you mean, 007?" 

"I have a name!" 

No.

There's no way. 

"Of course you do, but this is-" 

"Forget it. I'll see you when I get back, Q. Or not." 

Bond was angry with Q. 

No. 

Angry wasn't the word. 

Frustration? 

Frustration. 

James was frustrated with Q. 

Could it be because he- 

No. 

Of course not. 

It couldn't be because of that. 

That wasn't possible. 

It he wanted me, he would have asked. That's how he's always operated. 

That's how it'll always be. 

Q dismissed the possibility of Bond's impatience being anything but stress and fatigue. 

That's all it is. 

No other reason. 

"Good luck out there in the field, 007." 

After nearly a year of dating, Ian broke up with Q, the boffin was not surprised.

He should have known better than to date someone when James Bond was still in his life. 

"You've been so distant lately. You're not talking to me. We've barely hung out. I've been trying to get your attention for days. You don't respond to my messages, and it feels like you don't listen." 

"Yeah?" 

"You're not listening, Hector." 

"I'm not." 

"Why?" 

"I don't know." 

"I see."

"That's good." 

"Hector." 

"Yeah." 

"I'm just a distraction, aren't I?" 

"Of course not." 

"Whatever you say, Hector.

Hector?" 

"Yes?" 

"You're not going to tell me a thing, are you?" 

"I'm afraid not." 

"Okay.

Goodbye, Hector." 

About a week after the breakup, Q passed Bond on his way to Six one morning, and he thought it was all in his head for a moment, since Bond was still scheduled to be in Taiwan, but their eyes met briefly. 

And unlike the dreams where James was merely an apparition, a figment, that moment was real. 

That evening, Q thought he saw him again, leaning against one of the columns outside MI6, smoking a cigarette, the ashes sparking like fireworks. 

It felt real enough, but when Q passed him, he was too afraid to look back, in case it wasn't. 

"Wherever did you get the name Hector from?"

The next evening, Q had Moneypenny, and Susan over for game night and while Susan was invested in Detroit: Become Human's storyline, Moneypenny started to pester Q with questions, but it's not like he minded. 

He smiled shyly. "Castlevania." 

Eve snorted but her scheming brown eyes softened. "Why am I not surprised? Q.... you're awfully happy for someone who was just dumped."

"Dumped isn't the word I would use. We just.... we agreed it wasn't working out. There's nothing to be upset about." 

"Are you sure, Q?" 

"Why do you sound so sad, Eve? I'm fine. I've been worse." 

"Maybe," Eve sighed. "Q... Have you spoken with James lately?" 

(Cigarette smoke)

"Isn't he still fooling about in Taiwan?" 

(Fireworks)

"He got back yesterday. Mallory is giving him a little break. You... you haven't seen him since then?" 

(Would you stop calling me that?) 

"No," Q abruptly answered. "I haven't."

(I just want to know if you're better) 

"Okay, Q."

Is he-

"I suppose that makes sense, doesn't it?"

No.

He's not. 

He can't be. 

It's impossible. 

"Yes." 

It hasn't happened yet. 

It never will. 

Get that through your thick head. 

He'd never pick you. 

"Yes I suppose it does." 

Not even if he knew. 

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Bond was in Morocco on a heist mission. He had been there for several weeks. 

The day after he left, Q found a note of his desk: 

See you in a month. Let's get drinks when I get back. I miss you. 

-You Know 

Q's heart stopped. His face flushed. His breathing grew ragged. Huh? 

James Bond hadn't spoken to him outside of debriefings for months. Q hadn't even handled him during missions. He left that to R. 

What is this? 

What is he doing?

What the fuck? 

"Aw that's lovely," like some sort of apparition, Moneypenny appeared behind Q, an enthusiastic grin plastered on her face. "Who do you think it is?" 

"You know who it is, Eve." Q sighed. "Did you know about this? Why would he do this?" 

Eve shrugged. "Not sure." 

"You're a bloody awful liar." 

"I'm not trying, Q." 

"What is this, Eve?" 

"You'll see~" Moneypenny sashayed off.

Damn.

Q grew restless as the weeks passed. What was Bond doing? He thought the agent would have forgotten about the event at the bar that took place over a year ago. 

"Fuck you." 

Bond hadn't mentioned it. 

Not directly. 

It didn't seem like he would. 

There was a moment a few weeks afterwards where it seemed like James was trying but at that point, Q wasn't interested in hearing about it. 

But now....

What is he doing??

What the hell is he doing? 

Q was tempted to take R's place and oversee Bond's mission to Morocco. But that would have implanted ridiculous ideas in Q's head.

Bond obviously just wanted to get closer to Q again without making things too weird. 

It was nothing more than that. 

There's no way. 

Bond was late. 

It was two days after his scheduled return. 

This was normal. 

This happened all the time. 

Bond went missing for a bit. 

Bond came back. 

Q hadn't cared. 

Not for a year. 

But suddenly- 

"Sir, shouldn't you be gone by now? I've got 007 covered."

"Yes, I know. I just... I have a few things I need to finish, is all and then I'll.... I'll be on my way," he smiled. "Thank you, R." 

"No problem." 

Q did not sleep that night. 

Or the night after.

Moneypenny called him a week after Bond's scheduled return. "Are you going to be okay?" 

"I'm fine." Q lied, sipping his earl grey. 

"Your hand is shaking, sweet boffin."

"I'm fine, Moneypants." 

"You miss Bond." 

"Absolutely not." 

"You miss Bond." 

"Go away, Eve." 

"Q...." 

"Yes?" 

"You're smiling." 

He was. 

Bond was fine. He was always fine. 

Three more weeks went by. 

It had been two months since Q found the letter on his desk. 

Two months since he debriefed Bond. 

He should assist R. 

He couldn't. 

He did not want to go through all of that pain again just to have Bond come back and be his drinking buddy or something. 

Because that's all it would be. 

Almost three months after Q found the note on his desk, he received a call from Eve. 

"Guess who I found passed out at my flat tonight?"

Q's heart beat a little faster. "Is he hurt?" Whoah. I haven't said that in- 

"Nah. I don't see any wounds." She giggled. "I imagine he'll be begging Mallory for forgiveness tomorrow morning. If he even goes in tomorrow morning." 

"He will," Q smiled. "He will." 

Bond was late. 

It was nearly 2 'O clock and no one had heard from the agent. 

3 'o clock and still nothing. 

4. 

5. 

Q was in the lab when it happened. 

He didn't hear them at first. 

He wasn't paying attention. 

It wasn't something he was expecting.

It wasn't something he thought could happen again. 

Not after Silva. 

But it did. 

By 6 o'clock, he was laying on the ground, in more pain the he had ever been in in his entire life. 

He was surprised it hadn't happened before now, after all of the things he had done for Bond. 

He could have laughed. 

Should have cried.

He didn't know what to do. 

"He can do it." 

Bond would know what to do. 

"If anyone can do it, he can." 

Bond had died before. 

"I'll send you a postcard."

But Bond came back. 

"There's just one more thing I need." 

He always came back.

I"m sorry.

Chapter Text

Eve didn't like the idea of a note at first. 

"It may not seem honest to him. I think you should tell him before you leave for Morocco." 

"I thought about that," James admitted, "- but I don't think it would fair to spring something like that on him, only to have me leave moments after. And it may surprise you, but when it comes to people I genuinely care about, I try not to be spontaneous. Well... not typically." 

Not this time. 

Bond almost changed his mind. Maybe this will upset him. But then again, if I don't.... 

There's no way of knowing how Q would react if Bond just went up to him and asked him to lunch. 

"Good afternoon, 007." James winced at the memory. 

Better safe than sorry. 

Morocco was tedious. James had hoped it would at least be interesting enough to keep his mind off of Q. 

It wasn't. 

If anything, the agent had to constantly remind himself to stay on task every time the fair, curly haired Quartermaster entered his mind. 

Needless to say, it didn't often work. 

On the plane ride home, he couldn't think about anything but the several ways things would go down with Q when he arrived back in London. 

Admittedly, he was a little worried. 

(Getting cold feet, are you?) Vesper tittered around inside James' head. (Hesitating is no good, James. What happened to the confident man who wanted to run away with me? He was going to give it all up)

I'd do that for him, too.  It's just a different situation. He's a different person. 

(Then what are you so worried for, James? Afraid he'll see the real you?)

He knows who I am. 

(That's a nice lie.)

It's a not a lie and you know it. 

(How much does he know about me, James?)

It doesn't matter.

(Are you sure?)

Shut up. 

(Aren't you afraid he'll be jealous? Maybe his insecurity will get in the way. The boy is fragile. He's like some sort of porcelain creature. If you push him too far, he'll fall. And then-)

Shut up. 

(Smash) 

"SHUT UP!" James jolted upright in his seat. He was covered in sweat. 

Heads turned on the plane. 

He grinned sheepishly. "Apologies. Bad dream." He laid his head back down. "That's all." 

He murmur of the engines and Vesper's silence lured him to sleep. 

Something was wrong. 

The entrance to MI6 looked like a crime scene.

It was a crime scene. 

James could hear the horrible sound of macabre screams and tears. 

The red and blue lights were blinding. 

Bodies were being wheeled out of the front door. 

Oh, christ. 

Eve. 

Where is Eve?

Mallory. 

Tanner.

He could have sworn he felt his heart stop completely. 

Q. 

Q. 

No. 

God, no. 

Please. 

I don't want it to happen like this. 

Not when I wasn't there to protect him. 

Please tell me he isn't-

"James," Moneypenny's light hand tugged at his hand. "James, I meant to call but-" 

Before Eve could get another word out, Bond was already hugging her. "Eve," he breathed. "You're okay. What the hell happened. Where is - where - where is he? Is he safe? Is he - " 

"008 went berserk. We're not sure why yet, but he was in the shooting range, and just.... just went crazy," Eve paused for a moment. She wasn't looking Bond in the eye. "They're still looking for him. We're not sure if he just ran, but I know M wants him alive." 

"Eve, where is Q?" 

Silence. 

"Eve?" 

Silence. 

Silence. 

"James-" 

"Where is he?" For the first time since M's death, Bond felt tears threatening to fall. 

"He was seen in Q Branch. No one's permitted to go down there, since that's where 008 was headed by the time cops arrived. No bodies have been recovered. Nothing's been confirmed nor denied anything. James, please don't do anything rash. It won't help anything if you-" 

Bond was already gone. 

(You'll have to pick up the pieces, James)

He imagined people were yelling at him, trying to get him to stop. 

(You'll have to watch him break) 

If that was the case, he didn't care. 

(Hold him as he falls apart) 

Nothing mattered. 

(Watch him scatter)

Nothing mattered but him. 

(And then he'll fade away) 

Nothing mattered but Q. 

(You couldn't save me, James) 

Nothing. 

(What makes you think you can save him?)

Q Branch smelled like death. It was more of a morgue than a lab. 

Some boffins and minions were huddled in against the wall, shivering and sobbing. 

Some were laying side to side. 

Unmoving.

Still. 

Dead. 

James couldn't look at them. Not yet. 

He saw some nurses and doctors from medical as well. They were either helping the uninjured survivors or the others. 

The ones lying down. 

The ones who weren't dead. 

They were on stretchers. 

There were about ten of them. 

R was there. 

A few boffins. 

And 

"Sir, I'm afraid you aren't allowed down here." 

And 

"Sir, please step away from the victims. They're severely injured and we have to keep them here until-" 

Oh, God.

"Sir, I don't want to have to escort you out." 

James kneeled beside him, took his clammy, cold hand, and pressed in to his mouth. 

"Sir-" 

His eyes wearily fluttered open. His lips were dry and pale. 

(You will destroy him, Bond)

"Please... please just be wary, sir." 

(What did he do to deserve it?) 

".... Bond?" 

"Q," James could cry. "Q. Hey.... Hey.... I'm here. Hey..." He couldn't think of what exactly to say. 

Q had been shot. Just under the left lung. His ribs were broken. There were bruises on his neck. He was struggling to breathe. James had had worse. Q was going to be all right. 

"Bond," Q drew husky breathes. "I guess... I guess now I know how you've felt, huh?" He chuckled a bit a then grimaced from the pain. "I..." he shuddered a bit. "I didn't know 008 had- had- I was-"

"It's fine." Bond gently brushed through Q's curls. "Q-"

"Am I going to die, Bond?" The pain in Q's voice physically hurt James. 

"No. You're not." It wasn't even a lie. But Q was scared. "I've been through worse with less resources. You're going to be fine, Q." 

"That's good then." 

"Bond?" 

"Yes?" 

"I'm sorry." 

"It's fine. That was over a year ago, Q." 

"It's not just that, Bond. I haven't been there for you."

"You didn't have to be." 

"But I should've been. And I stopped....

I stopped caring about you, James.

I stopped caring." 

"That's okay," James suddenly found it extremely difficult to keep himself from crying as gut wrenching sobs tore through Q's chest. "I.... I deserved it."

"Don't fucking say that. It was unprofessional and horrible and I shouldn't have-" 

"I deserved it. Q.... I had no idea how you felt." 

"You know?" 

"Yeah." 

"Moneypenny?" 

"Eventually, but I figured it out on my own." 

"I'm sorry." 

"What the hell are you apologizing for?" 

"I shouldn't have let my feelings affect our work relationship."

"Maybe not to some people, but I think it was worth it." 

"Why?" 

"Because if you hadn't, I would never of found out. I'm that stupid. And also

-"

"Also?" 

"I 

I would never have realized that I was hopelessly in love with you, too." 

Chapter Text

It felt like he had been laying there for hours. 

Days, maybe. 

Medical arrived. 

"It's all right." 

"Sit still for me, Quartermaster." 

"This might hurt a bit." 

It did. 

It was dark. 

Cold. 

Q couldn't remember the last time he felt this much pain. 

Oh, wait. 

Of course he could. 

(Good morning, Q) 

(There's just one more thing I need) 

(I'm glad we're still friends) 

James Bond had already put him through this. 

This feeling of sharp vulnerability and utter despair. 

(Thank you, Q)

(If anyone can do it, he can) 

(Are you upset with me, Q?)

Except now he didn't care if he drowned or not. 

It made no difference to Q. 

"Sir, I'm afraid you're not allowed in here." 

It's not like the note meant anything. 

It's not like James actually missed him. 

"Sir, please step away from the victims. They're severely injured and we need to keep them here until we get the okay from M." 

He just wanted something. 

He always wanted something. 

"Sir I don't want to have to escort you out." 

Bond never asked Q for anything unless it was for an ulterior motive. 

Never gave him a second glance after he got what he needed. 

"Sir-" 

Up until that moment, Q had only felt the bitter cold. 

Not to mention, his own bitterness. 

But in a single, sudden moment, it all vanished. 

Q's nearly clammy and nearly frozen hands were suddenly coated in warmth.

The smell of death disappeared and was replaced with sharp cologne and alcohol. 

No. 

I'm dreaming. 

I must be. 

He's not here. 

He's thousands of miles  away from me. 

Despite his doubtful thoughts, Q felt his eyes slowly flutter open. 

The face that loomed above him was worried and tired. 

It was also all too familiar. 

This must be a dream. "Bond?" Q winced. It hurt to talk. 

"Q. Hey." It was Bond. And of all the places in the world, he has with Q. "Hey.... I'm here. Hey." 

Despite the circumstances, Q wanted to laugh. Hey? Is that all you can say? You're still an idiot, James. "Bond. I guess... I guess now I know how you've felt, huh?" The boffin's weak attempt at a joke was followed by laughter he immediately regretted. Pain spread throughout his entire body. "I... I didn't know 008 had - had - " It hurt to think about the Double Oh agent shooting every human being he saw. Shooting the boffins. R. And then finally looking at Q right in the eye and the Quartermaster could see his own frightened expression in the reflection of 008's.  "I was-"  I was scared. Scared of death. Scared of never seeing you again. 

"It's fine," Q suddenly felt Bond's hair brush over his curls. He shuddered. I never thought this would happen. I'm glad it did, though. I'm glad I could see him before - before - "Am I going to die, Bond?" Q's voiced strained. Maybe he was being overdramatic. I sure did't feel like it though. 

"No," Bond's voice was surprisingly soft and comforting. Q ached for more. "You're not. I've gotten through worse with less resources." 

"That's good then." Of course it was silly to worry about such a thing with some of the country's finest doctors present. 

Bond was silent for a moment, which was unusual. Q wondered what could be on his mind. Q wanted to ask about the note. But more importantly - 

(Fuck you) 

"Bond?" 

"Yes?" 

I love you. 

That's why I've always helped you. 

Why I've always had your back. 

Why I've been such sodding piece of shit. 

I love you. 

"I'm sorry." 

"It's fine," Bond's answer was nothing short of genuine. "That was over a year ago, Q." 

But you don't understand. 

You don't understand why I did it. 

"It's not just that, Bond. I haven't been there for you." 

I love you, James. 

I love you. 

"You didn't have to be." 

Of course I did. 

I wanted to. 

"I should've been. And I stopped...." Q had started to cry. The tears were hot and felt like they could burn his face. "I stopped caring about you, James. I stopped caring." 

"That's okay," James' kindness hurt more than the gunshot wound. "I deserved it." 

NO.  "Don't fucking say that. It was unprofessional and horrible. I shouldn't have-" 

"I deserved it. Q.... I had no idea how you felt." 

Wait. 

What?  "You know?"

"Yeah." 

How? How would he- 

Oh. "Moneypenny?" 

"Eventually," Bond admitted. "-but I actually figured it out on my own." 

Q tried to think of something to say. 

Bond knows. 

Was he being kind to Q out of pity? Surely that's what it was. Nothing more than that. 

"I'm sorry." 

"What the hell are you apologizing for?" 

"I should not have let my personal feelings affect our work relationship." 

"Maybe not, but I think it was worth it." 

Surely there was something wrong with Q's hearing. "Why?" 

"Because if you hadn't, I would never have found out. And also-" Bond paused for a moment and Q filled with dread. 

"Also?" 

Bond's ice blue eyes had never looked warmer. Why was he looking at Q like that? He was supposed to hate him for treating Bond so horribly, to ignore him. 

Why did he look so happy? 

No. 

It's my imagination. 

It has to be.

Stop. 

Just stop, Q. 

Stop getting your hopes up like this. 

"I-" 

But maybe you should. 

Just one more time.

"I would never have realized that I was hopelessly in love with you, too." 

That was the last thing Q remembered before the darkness swallowed him completely. 

When Q woke up, he should not have been disappointed when Bond wasn't sitting at his bedside. 

That was a naive thing to believe. 

"I would never have realized that I was hopelessly in love with you, too." 

It had to be a dream. 

A near death experience moment or something. 

That's all. 

Q was in medical for the next week and when he was finally released, M called him to his office.

"How are you holding up, Q?" It you didn't know the man well, you'd say he was disinterested, but Q knew he cared. 

"I'm quite well, sir. I think I'm ready to-" 

"Absolute not," M scowled. "You've been cooped up in medical and the least I can do is let you stay at home for a bit. You're on leave until I say otherwise." 

Shit. "But sir-"

"R has it covered. You'll be fine."

"I... I see. Thank you, sir." 

Moneypenny stopped by that night, Susan in tow. "Heya, Quartermaster! We've missed your piss-poor attitude!" 

"I'm sorry, Q. She can be such a-"

"It's fine, Susan." Q smiled. "I've missed you guys too." 

They played video games and talked the night away. 

Susan and Eve fell asleep on the couch. 

And when they were gone the next morning, Q realized he hadn't asked about James. 

And Eve hadn't brought him up.

Three weeks passed until M finally told him he could return to Six.

"Hey, R... I was wondering-" 

His second in command looked at Q sadly. "James went on a mission over a month ago - right after the shooting. But not after he found 008," she frowned. "The bastard hasn't talked yet, but we'll figure out why he did it." 

"Do you know when he'll be back?" 

"Sorry, chief... I have no idea." 

One month passed. 

This is normal for him. 

He'll come back. 

He always comes back. 

Q found himself exactly where he started - pining for Bond. 

A useless endeavor.

"He'll come back, you know," Moneypenny chimed one day during lunch. "He always does." It was the first time she had mentioned James since Q woke up.

"It's not like it'll be for me," Q mumbled. "He's off with some woman, just like before."

"What are you talking about?" 

"Exactly what I said. It's business as usual."

"Q... do you not remember?" 

Q froze. "Remember what?" 

"Q...." Moneypenny's shocked expression frightened the boffin a bit. "James raced to your side once he heard what happened. Didn't he tell you...." Eve smiled brightly as Q's eyes widened in sudden realization. "He did, didn't he!?" 

It was real? "He... really does-"

"Of course he does, you idiot!" Eve rolled her eyes. "God, you're both so impossible!" 

"He..." 

He loves me. 

(I would never have realized that I was hopelessly in love with you, too) 

"He loves me." 

When Q got home, he could barely breathe. 

Where the hell is he? 

When's he coming  back?

He fed the cats. 

Put some hot tea on. 

Began to go through the mail. 

Will he still mean it when he returns? 

Will he still-

Q's heart nearly stopped upon seeing one of the envelopes in the mail. 

Q

Should he call MI6? No one from his workplace sent him letters. Not unless it was too dangerous. Not unless-

Bond?

As soon as that thought crossed his mind, Q tore through the envelope. There were two items inside.

1) A small piece of paper that said only a few words: 

Tomorrow. You might want to pack everything. I'm hoping to see you.

2) A train ticket to Paris 

Q called in sick the next day. 

He had never done that before. 

Chapter Text

At first, James refused to leave Q's side. "I have to be here, Eve. You understand, right? Out of everyone, I would expect you to-" 

"I do, James." Moneypenny was not downing her typical cheery personality. She had dark circles under her eyes and drooped as she walked. "I really do, but you haven't gotten any sleep. Just go home - maybe go on a mission or two while you're at it. He'll wake up. We know he will." 

Maybe she's right. 

Maybe I should just leave. 

Just staring at him breaks my heart. 

"Alright, Eve.

Alright." 

"007, R will the the handler for your next mission. We've all been significantly 'shook' to say the least. And after the events that have transpired, I can't wait for some normalcy. Wouldn't you agree?" 

"Absolutely, sir." 

Egypt was boring. 

The mission was tedious. 

The women were dry.

Not that James thought much of them. 

Not with Q on his mind.

Q and his tangled curls. 

Q and his passionate green eyes. 

And those think, pink lips. 

(The lips that Bond now frequently thought about kissing)

Q and his soft, pale skin.

(The skin that Bond now frequently thought about kissing) 

Egypt was dull. 

The mission was a pain. 

James did not care about the women were ogled him. 

James did not feel anything when they stroked his chest and kissed his shoulder. 

He didn't want to. 

They didn't matter. 

As long as Q was still in James's life, nothing else mattered. 

Nothing. 

Nothing but Q. 

 By the time he was back in London, James had already purchased the tickets. 

(Face stained in the ceiling
Why does it keep saying,
I don't have to see you right now
I don't have to see you right now)

Packing was a blur. 

Calling Moneypenny and telling her to take care of the cats was a blur. 

He was out of the flat in less than ten minutes. 

He couldn't remembered the last time he ran so fast - so freely. 

His feet were so light. 

His heart soared. 

He was smiling. 

Ear to ear.

He felt happy. 

He was in love. 

He wants me. 

He really wants me. 

He had heard about Bond's impulsiveness. 

He had seen it first hand. 

But the last time he had heard of James doing anything this grandeur - this spontaneous was - was - 

James sat in the train car, martini in hand. He looked at his watch. 

5:15 

The train left in thirty minutes. 

He was not worried. 

Not yet. 

James looked up at the empty seat in front of him. 

He blinked. 

The seat was no longer empty. 

A woman in a suit.

It was nearly sundown. 

He felt young again.

"I hope you know what you're doing, James." Vesper, stunning and coy, flickered like a ghost. "Don't cock this up. Don't be like me." 

He blinked. 

Vesper's smooth raven hair was replaced with blonde waves. 

A woman in a silver dress.

Moonlight shined through the window. 

He felt like a liar again.

"Don't lie to him, James." Madeleine pleaded, her eyes filled with regret and forgiveness. "Be better. Don't do to him what you did to me." 

He blinked. 

The seat was empty again. 

The afternoon light dimmed. 

5:25

James's eyes shifted to the aisle.

His eyes widened. 

"Scuse me.... Pardon me... Sorry....."

He smiled. 

"I apologize, ma'am... Everything's a little-" 

For this first time in over two years, they saw each other as they truly were. 

(Digging like you can bury
Something that cannot die
We could wash the dirt off our hands now
Keep it from living underground)

Q could not breathe. 

Why did James look so beautiful in any suit he wore?

James could not breathe.

Why did Q always manage to render him speechless? 

Maybe this was a mistake. 

Maybe I'll just screw it up. 

Maybe-

Don't run away from me.

Not now. 

Not after everything we've been through. 

It's different this time, isn't it?

His eyes are saying something else.

It's different this time.

I'm not using you, Q. 

I'm being an idiot.

I love him, don't I?

I want this to be real?

Is it? 

Does he love me?

Please don't run from me, Q.

Please don't doubt me. 

I'm not going to run from you. 

I'm not going to leave you.

James....

Q.....

"I love you."

Both of them were still for a moment. 

James's mouth was open in what could only be shock.

Q was white as a sheet, nearly blocking the entire aisle. 

.

.

.

.

"You..." Q sighed in relief as James spoke first. "You can sit down."

.

.

.

.

It was all too familiar. 

The train. 

The person in front of him. 

First there was Vesper. She could have been the one, but Bond had been careless. 

Then Madeleine. James thought she was the one, but he was just trying to fill a void. 

.

.

.

And now it was Q's turn.

Q.

Q.

"Q." 

.

.

.

.

Q was the one. 

He had to be. 

If it wasn't him, it couldn't be anyone else.

.

.

.

.

"James?" 

.

.

.

.

"Q, things don't ever turn out well for me."

.

.

.

"I know."

"Or for the people I care about."

"I know."

"The people I love."

"I.... I know."

"Q.... I quit MI6"

He didn't seem surprised. "I- Interesting. Why on earth-"

"So I can be with you without having any ties." 

.

.

.

.

"You told them that, too." 

"That was different."

"How different?"

"Q...." 

James.

"Q, I love you. I was a bloody idiot to not see it and to not realize that I felt it too. I'm going to make it up to you."

.

.

.

"How so?"

.

.

.

"Well.... Let's just save that for Paris, shall we?" 

(Lazy summer goddess
You can tell our whole empire
I don't have to see you right now
I don't have to see you right now)

Sweet, soft moonlight poured through the curtains of the hotel room. 

It smelled of champagne and sex. 

The air was chilling and somehow warm at the same time.

Limbs fumbled, tangled in the sheets. 

Open, hot mouths against smooth, cold skin.

Lengthy, overdue kisses. 

Loud moans and comforting whispers. 

The feeling of fear and anticipation. 

Admiration and pleasure.

And above all else, love. 

A love that came to life in an art gallery. 

A love that surfaced in Austria. 

A love that went missing. 

Missing for so long. 

.

.

.

"Q...."

"It's Oliver."

.

.

.

"Oliver." The name felt so right. "I love you."

.

.

.

A love that was found. 

Found in a train car headed to Paris.

Found in a hotel room. 

.

.

.

"I love you too, James."

.

.

.

A love that would last until the end of their lives.