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The fire crackles from the small pit in the backyard. The party is quieting down, and Phil feels like he’s on the wrong side of drunk. Not like he’s had that much, or like people would even notice he’s had more than a few drinks, but it’s affecting his mood.
He’s in LA with his boyfriend. They’ve been meeting fans and talking to creators and made some good business connections. It’s all gone well, but all the little things that feel wrong are present in Phil’s mind as he watches Dan, who’s sitting three seats away, warming his hands against the fire and smiling as he’s talking to someone Phil doesn’t know and not taking any note of how quiet Phil has been for the past hour.
They had to get different hotel rooms. Couldn’t sneak in and sleep together due to the fact that their floor being reserved for VidCon creators and there wasn’t any way to sneak back to their own rooms in the middle of the night as it was always bustling with activity. The risk of being caught was too big.
Dan was the one insisting on different rooms, instead of sharing one with single beds. Dan was the one to tell Phil they can’t spend their nights together. Dan was the one who promptly sat down anywhere but right next to Phil in social spaces like this.
It’s not like him. Not at all. Phil’s just as scared of being outed as Dan is, but Dan’s been putting it into high gear for the better part of the year. Phil was just as adamant about it, at first. But for the past couple of months he’s felt their solid bond develop cracks that Phil has no idea how to mend. Phil doesn’t want to think about it.
Dan’s younger, he’s more scared of sharing his personal life than Phil is, and he acts on his first instinctive emotion a lot more. That’s fine. At least that’s what Phil has been telling himself. But now he feels utterly alone, even when he’s with Dan. He has so much he wants to say and discuss, but he’s scared that that would make the cracks larger instead of smaller. He’s been waiting too long. He’s been getting too frustrated. Anything said at this point would turn into assigning blame on Dan, and he can’t do that. Dan’s too defensive to ever just accept that.
Phil keeps his mouth shut. He drinks water. Dan smiles and drinks beer. He’s making jokes with Cat. He’s making conversation with everyone that sits down by the pit. Only Phil, Dan and Cat are the ones that aren’t just coming for smokes and conversation only to get back to the party. Phil wishes Cat would just leave.
“Are you cold?” Anthony asks as he sits down beside Dan, wrapped in a blanket.
Dan’s cheeks flush, and he dips his head in a bashful expression. He’s not gotten over his crush and Phil can tell from miles away. It’s fine, they both have crushes from time to time, but right now Phil isn’t fucking fine. He’s tired of telling himself he is.
“That’s alright,” Dan says, waving his hand dismissively.
“No, come on,” Anthony says with that brilliantly American smile. “Here, take my blanket.”
He stands up, shrugs out of it, and wraps it around Dan’s shoulders from behind. His hands linger on Dan’s shoulder and squeeze as Dan says thank you and bites his bottom lip. Anthony isn’t registering at all what Dan’s body language is practically screaming at their surroundings. Anthony just talks to someone else, still standing there holding Dan’s shoulder, and this is the moment when Dan finally looks at Phil.
That bashful, incredulous smile disappears from Dan’s face the moment their eyes meet. Phil could cry. He feels absolutely shoved to the side, forgotten about, and like all of these thoughts and feelings would just be dismissed by Dan. His rejection of any allusion to their personal relationship online is slipping into real life, and has Phil almost wondering if this is what Dan’s been considering his… out.
Dan excuses himself, gets up, blanket still around him, and approaches Phil. Phil looks away. He can’t look at Dan right now. He doesn’t want to hear how he shouldn’t be staring at him. He doesn’t want to be told he’s being ridiculous.
“Phil?” Dan says, and his voice is different.
It sounds like it does when they’re back at home in their apartment in London. It sounds like it always did before 2012. Like he actually cares. Phil can’t wrap his mind around it. He gets up as well, and tries to look casual while he still avoids looking directly at Dan.
“I think I’m calling it a night,” he says. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Wait, no.”
Just as Phil is about to walk away, Dan’s hand is around his wrist. He’s touching him. In public. Well, as public as six people around a fire pit could be. Still, it’s more than Dan’s done in a long time.
“What?” Phil asks.
He spins his head around and stares Dan straight in the eye now. Dan looks absolutely helpless. Sad eyes and lips almost turned into a pout. Phil hurts inside. He wants to reach out and make it better, but then Dan’s hand is gone just as soon as it arrived and Phil doesn’t feel like fighting for any more of that voice or that expression that makes him feel like Dan actually cares.
“I’m…,” Dan sighs.
Phil starts walking but Dan follows. Phil stops once they’ve reached a more private area beside a bush, out of sight.
“I’m sorry,” Dan says. “I’m sorry, Phil. I don’t like him in that way. You know that. I was just surprised.”
Phil shakes his head.
“It’s not about that,” he spits out, angrier and louder than he thought. “I’m just fucking tired. I’m going back to my room. I just need to sleep.”
“Phil,” Dan says again, in that private voice. “Please, would you look at me?”
And so Phil does. He finds himself wishing he wouldn’t have, at the same time that he’s glad he did. Dan looks wrecked with sorrow and his mouth is a proper pout now. He really doesn’t look as evil as Phil has been imagining. He just looks like a scared, lost little boy who has no idea how to handle any of the attention he’s getting. And that’s the boy Phil knows. That’s the boy Phil loves.
Dan pulls him into a hug and Phil lets himself feel it.
“Can I come to your room later?” Dan asks, cold nose against Phil’s neck.
He’s still too scared to have them leave together.
“We need to talk,” Dan continues.
Phil pulls away, one hand coming to pet Dan’s cheek.
“What if someone notices,” Phil says, voice softer now.
“Then someone notices,” Dan says, but he doesn’t sound convinced. “Alright? I just can’t stand to see you like this.”
Phil exhales and drops his hand from Dan’s face.
“And I can’t stand to feel like this,” Phil agrees.
Dan looks like he’s been stabbed in the chest. As if he’s the one that could be crying right now.
“I’ll see you back at the hotel, alright?” Dan says, voice wavering. “Please?”
It’s more than Phil has been getting in a while. He was preparing for Dan to immediately tell him off for staring. To tell him off for not playing into their online personas in real life, at VidCon, where that kind of bullshit matters. But he hasn’t been. He’s actually registering the fact that Phil’s not happy about this and he seems like he wants to make it better. Like he could actually start to be himself again.
“Okay,” Phil says. “Of course. Of course I want you to come to my hotel room, Dan, god.”
Dan smiles, and links their hands.
“I’ve missed you,” Phil adds, despite himself.
Dan nods sadly.
When Phil leaves it’s with sadness twisting his gut, but for the first time in a while he feels hopeful. He just hopes Dan will actually do what he said.