Chapter Text
In hindsight, a week or so down the line, when Morrigan was safe within the castle walls at Starkhaven and surrounded by luxuries the likes of which she’d never dreamed of, even in Hightown, when she had nothing left to do except agonize over everything that had happened and would happen next, she’d think she should have seen it all coming sooner.
She would think about the way Anders looked at them when he told them there was nothing to worry about, when Sebastian had insisted upon a stop by the clinic on the fifth consecutive morning she had woken up sick and shaking. The way he offered sincere congratulations and professional confidentiality and pressed a small bag into her hand, closing her fingers over it with his own, and assured her it would help with the morning sickness. How he smiled in such a way that never reached his eyes, which were in turn full of...what? Worry? Envy? Regret? She hadn’t thought much about it at the time, what with Sebastian pulling her into his arms and kissing her then and there in the clinic, appearances and courtesies be damned, but when she gave it more thought later...it was probably all three.
She would think of the way he began avoiding her sister in the weeks beforehand, after Lessa had grudgingly helped him with his mystery mission and the subsequent falling out that led to him storming out and disappearing for three days. The way it wore her down, even though she would never admit to such. The closest Lessa ever got to voicing her concerns was one night when it was just the two of them, and she was three bottles deep while Morrigan only sipped at her tea. Her twin had told her that Anders had started trying to give his belongings away to friends, and that she was disappointed she never got any such gifts. But Morrigan knew, as she always did, what she had really meant - he’s going to do something drastic and I’m so fucking scared.
She would think of the very few occasions Anders approached her alone, when the rest of the house was quiet and she sat reading by the fireplace. How he sat in the chair opposite, almost cautiously, and asked if he could tell her something important. The way her stomach dropped and her heart sped up as he said the words, but how she put the book aside regardless and waited, watching patiently when he didn’t say anything else and simply watched the fire instead. How she silently took his hand when she saw the tears on his face, and he in turn remained quiet and didn’t bother to wipe them away. And eventually, how he would drop her hand and mumble an apology before walking out the front door to disappear for another day or two. It happened more than once, and she had never pressed the matter. Maybe she should have.
She would think of that last night at home, all of them - her family - together. For the last time, though only one of them had known it. How Anders had been the one to suggest a night of cards, as they had always used to do, before the tension of a city on the edge of collapse had finally begun to bleed into their personal lives. They settled on home rather than the Hanged Man, more comfortable for her and more private for everyone to catch up with one another. Lessa had been delighted, both for the opportunity to see friends, and for the fact that it had been Anders’ idea. She would watch her sister laugh in a way she hadn’t seen for weeks, sharing jokes with Varric and sliding more coin across the table to Merrill when the elf wasted all of hers on poor hands. She would listen to Aveline and Isabela trading gripes and insults, and marvel at their sort of rivalry-turned-friendship that she would never be able to fully understand. She would see Fenris silently shake his head out of the corner of her eye, and point to a card in Sebastian’s hand, different from the one he had been about to play, and the latter would laugh and thank him and then proceed to win the round. And she would notice Anders, with eyes for her sister and not a lot else, a soft sort of smile she had been starting to think she’d never see again on his face as he listened to her laugh.
And she would think of how, near the end, Anders had convinced Sebastian to stay and play one more round, that he could skip his evening prayers at the chantry for just one night.
That last round that had ended not ten minutes before a frantic mage from the circle had all but pushed passed Bodahn in his rush to get to Lessa, to explain that Meredith and Orsino were probably only minutes from bloodshed, to beg her to come and help, to plead for all of them to do something.
But she would think about all of that later.
“There can be no turning back.”
Right then, as fire and ash started to fall from the sky, she found it hard to think about anything passed the fact that she’d just watched the lives of the two people she cared for most in the world fall apart simultaneously.
Sebastian had already fallen to his knees, shaking hand outstretched as he recited last rites for those who were trapped in the place he had called home for near a decade, and for the woman he had come to see as a mother. She knelt beside him, one hand on his arm and the other on his back, trying her best to offer some sort of comfort, some sort of grounding. But she was watching her sister, an unreadable expression on her face as she listened to Meredith call for the Rite of Annulment. Lessa remained calm as she pledged her support to the mages, just as she had always done without thought or hesitation, and she was quick to put down the opposition when Meredith ordered all of their executions before quickly taking her leave.
It wasn't until Orsino had also departed, and they were all left standing amongst bodies and burning rubble and the steadily increasing amount of screaming in the distance, that Morrigan saw her sister’s shoulders slump, the dagger in her hand trembling ever so slightly as she approached Anders.
They were too far away and speaking too quietly for her to hear what was being said, but she couldn't help but think, fleetingly, of all the times Anders had told them, from the very beginning and with unwavering honesty, that there was nothing more important than his cause. They had all apparently been fools to have ever doubted the words of a man possessed, as it was that cause that was apparently more important than the lives of innocent people, than her sister, than his own life.
And that was why she was torn between staying with Sebastian and running to her twin when she watched Lessa drop the knife to the ground and instead place a hand on Anders’ shoulder. Her voice was wavering, closer to tears than Morrigan had ever heard her allow in a public setting, but it was also clear, and loud enough for everyone to hear her decision.
“Help me defend the mages.”
Anders barely had time to turn around before Sebastian was back on his feet, arrow drawn and levelled at the mage’s chest. “No. You cannot let this abomination walk free!”
Two things happened then, near simultaneously. Lessa placed herself between the two men, and Morrigan had her hand on the bow, silently urging him to lower it.
He did, after a moment that seemed to last an eternity. But when he spoke to Lessa, it was with unrestrained hurt and anger and hatred that Morrigan had never heard from him before, and it chilled her. “I thought I knew you, but I swear, I will come back and find your precious Anders. I will teach him what true justice is.”
Lessa met his gaze evenly and wished him a safe trip back to Starkhaven, but Sebastian was already walking away, away from his friends and his family and the smouldering remains of the life he had spent years building, all of it lost to him in moments due to one act of incomprehensible desperation.
And Morrigan knew she couldn’t let him do it alone.
Her sister knew it too, and had already closed the distance between them, pulling Morrigan into a fierce hug and finally allowing a few tears to fall. “You’ll be careful, won’t you? I hear royal courts can be quite the bitch to navigate.”
Morrigan sobbed then, and clung to her sister even tighter. “I hardly think you’re the one who needs to worry here,” she managed to get the words out after a moment, but didn’t lessen her grip on the back of Lessa’s shirt. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
Lessa pulled away gently, already smiling again though she didn’t bother to wipe away the tears. She placed a hand on the side of her sister’s cheek. “Oh, Morri, we both always knew this high and mighty life of nobility wasn’t really for me, you know?”
Varric called from across the courtyard, Bianca at the ready and aimed towards a street that seemed to be steadily growing louder. “Hawke, we’ve gotta move, company will be here soon!”
Lessa dropped her hand. “You’d better go find him before things get too crazy...well, crazier. Be careful, be safe, love you both.” She gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, rested her hand on her sister’s stomach for the briefest of moments, and then she was already walking away even as Morrigan echoed the sentiment.
Their own hurried goodbyes having fallen on mostly deaf ears, she watched her friends make their way towards the street leading down to the docks, her sister in the lead and already speaking of battle tactics with Aveline. She wondered, briefly, if it was the last time she would ever see Lessa alive, and the thought alone was enough to bring her to tears again. But then she noticed Anders walk past her to join the others, and she cut off that line of thinking even as she reached an arm out to grab his elbow. He stopped immediately, but didn’t turn to face her.
There were a thousand things she wanted to say, wanted to ask, but there wasn’t time so she settled for a quiet request. “Keep her safe.”
He seemed to make an effort, then, to meet her red-rimmed gaze, but it was short-lived and instead he brushed her hand off. “I’m sorry.”
He didn’t elaborate on what part, exactly, he was sorry about, but the weariness in his voice led her to believe he truly meant it. The human part of him, anyway.
So she didn’t say anything else as he disappeared around the corner, and she only waited half a moment longer before she was also making her way down the street Sebastian took not five minutes earlier. He wasn’t the only one to end up walking away from everything, from everyone, but neither of them would have to do it alone.