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sometimes, just sometimes, changkyun feels the slightest bit homesick.
it’s a sudden feeling that strikes at the most random of moments, but it hits hard, makes him feel so nauseous that he could almost throw up. it’s as if his entire world has shifted on its axis, and he’s tethered to reality by the slightest of a thread, swinging through outer space, the vastness of the galaxy stretching out endlessly behind him.
“you don't look well,” kihyun says, his forehead creasing into a frown. he brings a hand up to changkyun’s forehead, sitting up from where he’s been lying down on the other end of his bed. “did you catch something?”
“i’m okay,” changkyun answers because it's easier than saying i don't know why i’m here, i don't think i’m supposed to be. everything feels wrong.
kihyun’s frown deepens. changkyun isn’t surprised, his answer sounds unconvincing even to his own ears.
“are you sure?”
“yea, i’m just tired or something,” he says, trying to smile at kihyun but it must turn out wrong because kihyun just purses his lips at changkyun and doesn’t look any less concerned. “it was a long day of classes.”
“oh, well,” kihyun pauses, and changkyun feels even more guilty for how unsure kihyun looks, he can almost see the wheels spinning fast in his boyfriend’s head, trying to figure out what’s wrong, but not wanting to push changkyun into anything. “i can head back first if you want to rest?”
changkyun is caught between i don’t want you to go. and i don’t know how to tell you what’s wrong , as kihyun stands up to gather his belongings.
somehow over the course of the afternoon, his textbooks have migrated to different ends of changkyun’s room, despite no actual studying having been done. kihyun turns to pick up the last stray pen that’s rolled out of his bag and moves towards the door.
“no, don’t go,” changkyun flies up from where he’d been frozen at his corner of the bed to block the way, his heart thudding so hard in his chest that it may just possibly fly out. the thought of being alone when he’s feeling this way is frightening, and if kihyun leaves, when he leaves, would he suddenly find himself disappearing into the endless cosmos somehow?
in a tiny corner of his mind, the rationale side that’s not heaved over to the side feeling sick with disorientation knows he’s being over-dramatic, he’s ridden out these attacks of homesick-ness millions of times before and they’re all just in your mind . but it’s drowned out of the primal part of his brain, the one that pumps out adrenaline, triggers his sympathetic nervous system to fight or flight because he’s lost lost lost.
the burst of movement across the room adds to his nausea, and changkyun has to lean against the door to stay standing upright. you’re still here , he tells himself, pressing his palm into the cool wood, letting it anchor him in the moment. you’re not going anywhere. it’ll pass.
“kyun, what’s wrong?” the concern is bordering on worry, almost fear now, changkyun can hear it in the older boy’s voice, and he can feel kihyun’s hands on his shoulders, holding him up.
“i don’t know,” is what changkyun says, because he really, really doesn’t know how to explain this feeling of being lost all of a sudden, like a ship unexpectedly unmoored by a strong gust of wind and cast out to sea. there are no words to explain this dissociation, of things just not being right, and all i want to do is just go home. but home is an ambiguous concept, he doesn’t know what home he’s longing for.
a soft thud brings him back to the here and now, and changkyun realises he’s slid down to the floor, kihyun crouching down, eyes wide with worry. this hasn’t been a side that he’s shown kihyun before, not in the few months that they’ve started dating. and if it weren’t for the fact that he’s still seasick with how untethered he feels, he’d be flushed with embarrassment.
how decidedly uncool was this changkyun, one who ran counter to that independent, smart-talking image he’d strived to cultivate.
“can you talk about it?” asks kihyun, his voice perhaps the gentlest thing in the world, and changkyun thinks maybe that’s what he likes most about kihyun. he holds onto kihyun’s words like a life-line, repeats them in his head as he reels himself back in, from the galaxy, from the cosmos, pulls himself until he’s slowly back onto solid ground, plants his feet firmly back in the soil.
i’m back now.
“It just happens once in a while,” changkyun says, shrugging, play it cool even though there’s no coming back from such a spectacle. “i don’t know how to describe it.”
kihyun settles down opposite him, face to face. his hands never leave changkyun, sliding from his shoulder down the length of his arm, finding his hands. it’s hard to look him in the eye, so changkyun looks down, at their fingers intertwined.
“kind of like being home-sick, but not really. or like when you’re walking in the woods, somewhere you know really well, but all of a sudden, you forget the directions. it’s a path you’ve walked before, but now you just don’t know the way. i don’t know, but it passes fast,” changkyun is rambling, he can feel it. he’s never had to describe this before, he doesn’t even know if he can, if anyone else feels this way. “you must think i'm a baby now or something.”
“well, you are my baby,” answers kihyun, and although changkyun can hear how smug kihyun sounds, there’s no denying the fondness, the affection underneath the words.
“hyung, i’m only three years younger,” changkyun can’t help but whine, his cheeks colouring. because teasing is safe ground, easier than finding the words to explain something he doesn’t think he’s able to explain. “and i’m taller than you.”
all kihyun does is laugh, the kind that, changkyun can tell even without looking, has his eyes cresenting into little tiny half moons. “come here my little baby,” he cooes, and wraps his arms around changkyun, pressing him close into a hug.
his face buried in the crook of kihyun’s neck, changkyun takes in a deep breath, breathes in how familiar and warm kihyun smells, like a campfire on a cold winter’s night, holds him tight. kihyun is solid and real underneath his arms. “you know, it’s okay if you don’t know what it is,” kihyun says, the words mumbled against the crown of changkyun’s head. “but i’m here if you need someone to bring you a map when you go.”
“okay hyung,” changkyun answers, kihyun replying with a swift kiss pressed against the top of changkyun’s head, another to his forehead, his nose, his lips, which have now finally curled up in the tiniest of smiles.
“took you long enough,” teases kihyun, but the soft smile on his face betrays his care. he leans in for another kiss, one that changkyun accepts with a barely suppressed giggle because kihyun’s bumped him on his nose on the way in.
it’s the lightness in his chest that catches him, that in this moment, changkyun feels, i am here, this could be home.