Work Text:
PLEASE READ BEFORE OPENING THE PACKAGE
Serena frowned, the mysterious package on her bed having appeared during her shower. The handwriting was unmistakable but she couldn’t work out how Bernie could have snuck in without her noticing even if she did still have a key. If it had been Serena doing the sneaking she wasn’t sure she would have been able to resist the temptation to join the woman she adored in the shower. The package was small, a cloth bag with several lumpy provisions in it. She picked up the annotated letter and began to read.
My dearest Serena,
I so wish I was enough for you, that I was the person you could imagine coming home to every night. I told you I couldn’t see myself but that was only a defence mechanism. The truth is I can see everything with you. Forget pushing Guinevere on the swings I’d be the one buying and building a swing set in the back garden as a surprise for her birthday, I wouldn’t just be putting the bins out I’d be the one sorting all the recycling into the correct bins. I may have messed up a lot with my kids but they always said I was the best storyteller, that I had the best stories. I would have liked to have told our grand niece them too. I still intend to. You may not see me as your family but Jason and Greta do, they've asked me to still be Guins aunt so I will still be able to do all of that I guess it just won’t be with you.
As for the parcel- I bought it after I quit the NTC, I knew we had work to do on our relationship but I could see the future so clearly. Open it then continue reading.
Serena upended the bag. Her heart dropped as, amongst other little presents-a keychain in the shape of a glass of wine, a photo of the two of them taken only days before it had all gone to shit, the book of silly limericks Bernie had used to wind her up with- a small velvet box fell into her hands. As she expected upon opening it a glittering ring stared back at her.
‘Oh Bernie.’ She returned to the letter.
I wanted to marry you Serena.
I could see it all so clearly-the two of us having a simple ceremony surrounded my those we loved, Guin could be the ring bearer depending how long our engagement might be, our children would all be there and there would be a seat reserved for Elinor and our parents. Ric would make fun of us for something or other, you know how he is, but he’d tel us he was over the moon for us and wish us better luck than he had had. Henrik would make a speech about how far we’d come from squabbling over AAU, Fleur would make some quip about how I’d turned you gay and thank me on behalf of lesbians everywhere.
I could see us on honeymoon in Massachusetts visiting your old stomping grounds or in France reliving those glorious weeks we had together before the world spilt us up again. We would take a detour to the peace garden to tell your mother about the wedding and I’d thank her for giving me you.
I could see us celebrating anniversaries as we got grayer and more decrepit.
I could see us retiring together once we decided we wanted to relax and enjoy our silver years.
I could see us old and in bed looking back upon our lives wishing we had had more time together but being so grateful for the time we did have before passing away in each other’s arms (I know that’s overly cliche but give me this one dream).
I could see us happy but I know now that I could never be enough for you. You would always be wondering if I had itchy feet and looking for the next adventure.
What you didn’t realise that spending out future together was the best adventure I could have embarked on. You fell in love with a Big Macho Army Medic and that’s just not me anymore although I see that as growth whereas you see it as a betrayal.
I want you to keep the ring. I don’t mind if you sell it or hand it down to Guin. Just please don’t put it on another woman’s finger. I have no need for it now. I bought it for you and no one else could deserve it in my eyes. In the words of a certain fictional butler we’re so fond of ‘I’m not going to marry anyone else.’ I realise I’m hindsight that our final conversation may have lead you to think there was someone waiting in Nairobi for me but I only meant that I have friends, and I have Charlotte, Cameron, Morven, Jason, Greta, and Guin. There could never be another in my heart. You were it for me Serena and I cannot bear to look at this ring for one moment more because it breaks my heart.
I will always love you.
Your Bernie.
Serena cried herself to sleep, letter clutched to her chest and ring adorning her finger.
Tomorrow she would sort all of this out, tomorrow she would get on her knees and beg for Bernie’s forgiveness. Tonight however was a time for recrimination.