Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

sunwoo sighs, tapping the steering wheel. he's trying not show how anxious he's feeling, but the air inside the car is so uncomfortable that there's no way that his boyfriend hasn't noticed. hyunjoon hasn't said a single word since his greeting when he entered the car and that was tens minutes ago. sunwoo feels like pulling his hair out.

“how was your day?” sunwoo finally makes himself ask.

“fine," hyunjoon mutters.

sunwoo hums under his breath; that wasn't a very encouraging answer. “what about that shitty instructor? has he been giving you any grief?”

“not since that day.” hyunjoon doesn't even look sunwoo's way, eyes still glued out the window when he answers.

“good.” sunwoo taps the steering wheel some more, anxiety taking him over. “listen, hyunoo… how long are you going to stay mad at me?”

that snaps hyunjoon's eyes back at him.

hyunjoon has always been beautiful— that's something everyone can tell just by looking at him. from his almond eyes and strong eyebrows, to the curve of his neck and the shape of his cheeks. and even with the sneer he's looking at sunwoo right now, sunwoo is still transfixed by him. he's probably a little silly for never getting over about how beautiful his long term boyfriend is, but alas.

“when you stop being a colossal jerk, maybe." hyunjoon shrugs and then his sneer deepens. "oh, wait. you can't do that, can you?”

sunwoo winces, turning back at the road once the stop light turns green. that was way too harsh. he thought hyunjoon would have cooled off by now and he considers not answering, but he knows he can't just pretend nothing happened. “i already apologized, hyunjoon.”

and, of course, it sets hyunjoon off. he takes a deep breath and then goes:

“yeah, well, not enough. there wasn't ever a single fucking time we haven't argued on road trips. i'm sick of this sunwoo, you're mean. five fucking years and you have never been so mean.”

sunwoo takes a sharp intake of breath. he doesn't want to say that hyunjoon had never been this mean either, he still hopes he can stop this argument.

“you were stressed and i was awful, i know i was. i know my mistakes; don't think for a second that i take it for granted when you're hurt.”

“i hope you realize, sunwoo, that that was the last time you ever treated me that way." and sunwoo can't keep looking at hyunjoon while he drives, but god, he wants to. "i actually can't wait for you to do it again. because i swear sunwoo, that was the last fucking time.”

"you were hurt!" sunwoo cries. "i didn't know what was wrong and you keep pushing me away, goddammit. you act like i'm your enemy and you keep pushing me away and i lost it, alright?”

“don't spin this on me! you can't treat me like that, you can't exit the car and be awful and then pretend that nothing happened!”

and hyunjoon is crying, his voice shaking and high pitched and the tears are coming any second now and and sunwoo takes a deep breath, trying to calm down. this escalated too quickly. they're just having a drive home after hyunjoon's class. sunwoo just got off his internship. they're both tired. sunwoo can't let it go over his head, he has to keep it cool; they're already on the street of where they live together, he should be holding this off until they're home.

“listen, it's hard. i know i need to let it go when you talk about my sister and my parents, and i always do. when you talk shit about them, i listen silently, but it puts me on edge, alright?”

“when did i even say a thing about your sister?? i said i hate busan, that's what i was complaining about!”

sunwoo punches the steering wheel. “that's where we're from! that city is a part of us! you're saying you hate that part of us!”

“well, i do!”

“fuck.”

sunwoo maneuvers the car into the garage, his breath hitching. things are only getting worse, when he had been trying to fix them somehow. lately, all they do is fight. sunwoo focuses on breathing instead, in and out, taming his heart. he parks the cars in silence and he's grateful, even if momentary, that hyunjoon is quiet so he doesn't hit their already banged up enough car.

hyunjoon can be as angry with sunwoo as he pleases, but saying that about busan? it's like saying that their childhood was something he regrets and that's. that just hurts too much. he can't mean it.

the sound of sunwoo pulling the parking brake sounds is loud inside the car.

“six years, sunwoo.” hyunjoon murmurs in the silence. “why are we even still doing this?”

“don't say that.” sunwoo whispers back. “i can't have you saying any of that.”

the car is parked, engine and air conditioner are turned off and the air is starting to get stale and heavy around their noses. they don't move.

“this isn't working," hyunjoon says. "you can't possibly think that things are fine.”

and sunwoo doesn't want to hear it. he closes his eyes and counts under his breath. he doesn't want to scream at hyunjoon again and, least of all, he doesn't want to start crying.

“i know they aren't. you barely look me in the eye, hyunjoon, i'm not stupid. but this isn't how things will work out either. we're us. we always work things out.”

"maybe i'm tired of working things out.” the tears spill from hyunjoon’s eyes, big and plentiful; it hurts sunwoo to see them. "things should just work like they used to, we never had to try this hard."

sunwoo raises his hand to brush those tears away, but stops halfway. "it'll pass, we can get through this. i know i'm awful, but not to you.”

“that used to be true." he looks so hurt. sunwoo wants to take it all back, he's said the wrong thing again. "i'm tired of making excuses for you.”

“i'm not asking for more excuses," sunwoo presses back against his seat, looking at the car ceiling. "i'm saying we need to talk more, we used to tell each other everything.”

he wants to keep looking at hyunjoon, but now the he doesn't have to look at the road anymore, he can't bring himself to. hyungjoon looks too sad.

“it's like you're not my best friend anymore.”

“i know.” sunwoo's voice never had never sounded this weak. “i don't know when this happened, but i know.”

hyunjoon unbuckles his seat belt. “i don’t know what to do either, okay? It’s fucking scary how much of me you are. and i'm starting to think that isn't such a good thing.”

sunwoo makes himself look.

“why’s that? am i a part of you that you’re finding you don’t like so much?”

the tears have stopped spilling out of hyunjoon's eyes; he's always been the quickest one to cry when they fight. the tear tracks on hyunjoon's cheeks are shining and the breath is all out of sunwoo's lungs.

“something like that,” hyunjoon finally says.

and it's not— it's not a surprise to hear that, really. sunwoo knows that he's always brought the worst out of hyunjoon when they fight. it's always been true and now they're fighting all the time. it's just bad blood between them all the time.

“thanks for the honesty," sunwoo murmurs.

“i think I should move back into the dorms for a while, we need… we need to figure out how to be without each other.”

“why?”

“because, sunwoo. because we’re two separate people. we’re not some unified entity.”

sunwoo winces. “i… i never said we were.”

"but that's what everyone says."

sunwoo never thought that what everyone said mattered, so it seems that this is yet another thing he's wrong about.

"i wore off on you, didn't i?"

they've been together for so long, sunwoo has always marvelled at hyunjoon not growing tired of him, but now it's finally caught up with them.

hyunjoon touches sunwoo's hand and sunwoo looks up at his eyes again. "this isn't a break up, i just don't know how to be without you."

hyunjoon trails off and sunwoo feels as if he's about to puke his heart out.

"but?"

"i need some time. can you give me that?" sunwoo just nods and hyunjoon leans in and kisses his cheek. "can you go out for a bit so i can pack a bag?"

sunwoo nods again.

when hyunjoon steps out of the car, sunwoo starts the engine back and drives off. then, he starts crying.

sunwoo wants to say that he doesn't know when things started getting this bad, but— he knows.

they're twenty-two now, both almost done with college. sunwoo has already started working for an entertainment company as a part-time in-house producer. he has trimestral quotas to reach and endless kids that he's supposed to assist and teach as soon as he graduates, some of them are not even going to be that much younger than him.

and hyunjoon is. not doing as well. he wanted to be under some dance company by now, but he still isn't. sunwoo doesn't want to think that type of thing would put a strain on their relationship, but he knows that everything that's happened somehow changed hyunjoon.

the injury.

last year hyunjoon tore a ligament. he's fully recovered by now, but sunwoo knows that hyunjoon's ankle sometimes still hurts. probably more often than he lets on and it's scary. it's scary because sunwoo never knows if hyunjoon is pushing too hard. and isn't that a perfect show of how much of a failure as a boyfriend he is? they've been dating for six years, they've known each other for fourteen years total. sunwoo should know. he should be the person that knows hyunjoon best in the entire world. except he doesn't feel like that so much lately.

it's only after driving all the way to sangyeon and jacob's place that sunwoo realizes that hyunjoon is probably going to come crash with them and he shouldn't be there when he arrives because that's— he doesn't know how going on a break with your boyfriend of six years is supposed to go, but he has a good hunch that this isn't it.

he makes a turn and goes to eric's instead.

"you look like crap, dude." is the first thing eric sohn says after he opens the door of his apartment.

"thanks, bro."

sunwoo gets in after kicking his shoes off. the tv is playing the prime-time drama that sunwoo knows eric watches religiously and that he's probably interrupting, but he can't bring himself to care. he goes to the kitchen and gets himself a beer. eric follows him closely.

"didn't you drive here?" sunwoo shrugs and eric follows him back to the living-room. "what happened?"

"nothing." sunwoo sits on the couch and turns his eyes to the tv.

eric sits down beside him, clearly watching him instead of his show. "what happened?"

"did i stutter?"

eric clicks his tongue and finally looks away from him. the drama is going to be just enough temptation for him to let this go, sunwoo is sure.

eric finds the remote somewhere between the sofa cushions and turns off the tv. goddamnit.

"you look like you've been crying. what is it? did you and hyunjoon fight?"

sunwoo takes a big gulp of his beer and tries to steady himself as best as he can.

"he's moving out for a while." and he continues to look away, because he doesn't want to see it— eric's shock.

they're the perfect couple, everyone says. just thinking about people knowing about this and getting so perplexed already fucks up sunwoo's head. there's this running joke that sunwoo and hyunjoon are two for one, perfect together. and knowing that people are going to have to know that that hasn't been true for a while now— it's just fucked up.

eric is quiet for a moment and sunwoo hates it so much it hurts. he almost gets up and leaves, but the beer is cold on his hand and warm on his blood. he can't drive off now.

"well," eric finally says. "that sucks."

sunwoo snorts. "that's one way of putting it."

"what happened?"

and, gosh, sunwoo loves eric. he really does. eric is a good friend, he's loving and reliable and he always does his best to help, but. this isn't something that sunwoo feels like eric can help with.

"we've been fighting for a while," is what sunwoo offers, but eric keeps looking at him in anticipation, so sunwoo takes a deep breath and continues. "we had a big fight this last visit to busan. hyunjoon doesn't like visiting my parents."

eric gets a deep furrow on his brows, but then it eases off. sunwoo can see the moment eric sees some sense in it.

his parents aren't as bad as they used to be, but they hadn't been the most supporting at first when sunwoo and hyunjoon had started dating. they all know that deep down mr. and ms. kim both thought that hyunjoon had been somehow responsible for "turning sunwoo gay". which was ridiculous and awful, to put it mildly, and they always had put as much difficulties as they could on their relationship.

being openly out and together from a young age hadn't been easy and it had put a deep strain on how hyunjoon felt in their hometown. he couldn't wait to leave as soon as they graduated high school and, as much as sunwoo had wanted to leave too and never come back, it's still a place with so many good memories for them. there's still people they love there, but it's like hyunjoon only ever wants to see the bad.

they always fight when they visit.

sunwoo thinks about all of this for a moment and it's what he wants to tell eric, that he just wants to go to busan sometimes and go to the beach and feel the taste of the sea on hyunjoon's lips when they kiss. he doesn't want to pretend nothing happened, but there's things that he still loves about the places that meant so much to them as they were kids.

he doesn't want to tell eric that, during their last visit, they had stayed at hyunjoon's house and that sunwoo's parents had complained continuously about that. he doesn't want to tell eric that when they went for lunch with sunwoo's family, hyunjoon had gotten so upset about all their veiled jabs that sunwoo had made some hasty excuse and they left early. he doesn't tell eric about how much they yelled at each other when they made it into the car. that hyunjoon shouldn't let it get to him, that sunwoo shouldn't just let his parents say whatever they wanted.

he doesn't want to tell eric that sunwoo stopped the car and left it, walking for two blocks until hyunjoon moved to the driver's side, caught up to him and honked until he got back in. he doesn't want to tell eric how awful it has been this year.

he wants to tell eric that he sometimes wants so bad to be able to take all the hurt away from hyunjoon that it feels like it could kill him.

he has no idea how to say that to hyunjoon or how to say any of this at all to eric, but eric is such a good friend. he pats sunwoo's shoulder and sunwoo knows that, on some level, his friend does get it.

he just has to try to understand it himself what "taking a break" means and what he has to do to get hyunjoon back, because he has no problem with admitting that he's as good as nothing without hyunjoon by his side. he stays at eric's until he falls asleep on the couch until he wakes up in the middle of the night.

he doesn't know how to be alone.

he sits up on the couch and the way his back aches frmo the cushions isn't the problem. the couch and being in a living room that isn't his own isn't the problem.

he doesn't know how to be alone and his eyes are wide open and dry. this feels worse. understanding what hyunjoon meant feels worse, because now he can't deny that they need this. as much as sunwoo doesn't want it, they both need this break.

Chapter Text

when hyunjoon fell, he was alone.

he remembers the pain in his ankle, but more than anything, he remembers the panic he felt because he could tell straight away the injury was likely a bad one. he was no stranger to sprained ankles, distended muscles and whatnot. so when he fell on the floor and the tears were in his eyes, he could tell.

the hospital had smelled like disinfectant and the air was cold enough to chill him to the bone. he had already spoken to the doctor when sunwoo came in.

he didn't want anyone to talk to him about it. after the surgery, he didn't want anyone to look into his eyes and see his pain, because they would pity him, because they knew that it was bad. he needed to deal with it as he did most things; on his own. in his own time.

they tried to cover hospital fees on their own, but when sunwoo started suggesting to sell some of his stuff, that was when hyunjoon swallowed his pride and called his mom.

while stuck on his own bed after the surgery hyunjoon watched time pass. watched the sun sail across the sky, his shadow rolling around him while he kept his leg propped up. everything felt strange. he felt detached from things, it was like the world had been thrown off axis. just a little bit, though. like trying to navigate in the dark in a room you usually knew like the back of your hand. except as you walk through it, you stumble into something that shouldn't be there. like all the furniture was moved slightly to the left and no one noticed because they're trusting their eyesight instead of memory. and you had your eyes closed. and your memory can play tricks on you.

every morning, the sun shone through the window and into the room. a perfect square of light right on the floor next to the bed. he felt other to himself. the sunshine didn't shine on him.

physical therapy was painful and it took him around seven months until he was back to full shape. his calves were stronger than ever, though. he thought he was ready for audition season. but. he wasn't.

everything turned into routine, a replay, the same thing with small variables. he and sunwoo were fighting. hyunjoon swallowed his words, but every time he didn't say anything, it got bigger. his silence was hurting sunwoo, too. it made sunwoo mean, his boyfriend was never good at hurting. hyunjoon didn't want to get caught crying. sometimes when someone is crying, the honorable thing is to pretend you're not seeing it, but sunwoo had been doing that for years, he got too used to pretending he wasn't seeing.

the thing was that sunwoo knew. every time hyunjoon hid it was because he had to, but his heart was hurt. deep down sunwoo knew, but he didn't do anything about it, he didn't know how to. he had gotten too used to looking away.

it was going to happen, no matter how hyunjoon looked at it; he knew it would. he left first.

Chapter Text

"what are you working on?"

sunwoo looks up from the computer and pulls his headphones the rest of the way off. "i have a deadline next week, we're doing mock ups for the bg's new concept."

kevin hums and sits down on the sofa sunwoo is leaning on, he gestures towards the screen where cubase is running and sunwoo nods, leaning to the side a bit so his friend has a better view. kevin looks at the computer for a moment with knitted brows and goes as far as using the touchpad to look at different sections of what sunwoo is currently finishing up and about to start mixing.

"you're looking almost done, though. want me to listen to it?"

sunwoo shrugs and stretches his arms above his head, feeling his joints pop. "maybe you can play a few sections for me later, i want to try a few piano riffs in the bridge."

"okay." kevin nods. "what are you doing out here anyway?" he looks around the room with confusion. "why aren't you in a studio?"

sunwoo shrugs again, "didn't feel like—" he yawns. "— like being stuffed inside a controller room."

kevin nods in understanding, but looks around once more. "this doesn't seem much better."

sunwoo is sat on the floor in front of a low table with his laptop, he's set up a simple two-octave midi controller and a groovebox next to it. it isn't the best workstation, but the spot is located by the large windows that face the park on the other side of the street from the large company building; it's nice. he has an actual view to look at. people walk past all the time, but everyone knows better than to disturb a producer with his headphones on, so he doesn't feel as alone and is still able to concentrate.

"i like it here, it's making me be productive."

"i guess you do you."

kevin pulls a face, but leans back on the couch, turning until he's lying down with his legs spread out and sunwoo knows that means he won't be talked to again for some time.

sunwoo looks back at his friend once more before slipping his headphones back on and returning to his work. their company is big, but rather lenient on work decorum or shit like that. producers and musicians are allowed to walk around as they please and use all the company spaces as they see fit. that means that a instrumentalist drooling on a leather couch in the middle of a common area and a composer working sat on the floor isn't that big of a deal.

sunwoo goes back to his track and is nearly done with it. he's making good progress until his focus is broken again by a styrofoam cup being waved in front of his eyes.

sunwoo blinks feeling his eyes dry and blurry and tries to focus on the cup in front of him before taking it.

"what's this?"

he looks up to see kevin again. his friend looks alert, even if it's easy to spot his puffy eyes from the nap he was taking, and sunwoo is surprised to see that somehow it's already nighttime.

"it's herbal tea, you keep clearing your throat all the time, it kept me from sleeping. you should take a break."

"thanks."

sunwoo nods and pushes the table away from his stomach a bit, leaning back against the couch as kevin sits back down on it and offers the cup again. sunwoo takes it and holds it with both hands, enjoying the heat warming his fingers. he can feel kevin wanting to say something, his friend's discomfort nagging at the corners of his mind, but he can guess what kevin wants to say and, honestly, sunwoo doesn't want to hear it.

instead, he looks out into the street again. the company is in a business part of town, so traffic calms down a lot after commercial hours are over. the street lamps cast a orange glow into the concrete sidewalks, making it look glowy and warm. the park across the street is almost eerie in the night, even with a few people still jogging and dog walkers with their eyes on their phones. he watches the few people walking past with mild interest while he can distinctly feel kevin's internal debate coming off of him in waves from where he is sitting next to him.

"how are you doing?" kevin finally asks.

sunwoo sighs, looking down at the tea on his hand. "it's just a bit of a cold, don't worry." the cup is from the first floor cafeteria and he wonders how long has kevin been up and marvels a bit about not even noticing his friend leaving and coming back.

"no, how are you?"

sunwoo grimaces, taking a long sip of the tea to put the answer off. the flavor is nice with lots of honey. "fine."

sunwoo looks up to the street again. there are a few clouds in the sky, but it doesn't look like it will rain any time soon. rain would be nice, though, the weather has been too dry lately.

"you're working too much." kevin cuts into his line of thought again and sunwoo is uncomfortable enough by now that there's no way kevin hasn't noticed, but still he presses on.

"i told you i'm fine," sunwoo mutters.

"you know it's perfectly understandable to take some time off, you have tons of vacation days, and—"

"there's no need." sunwoo doesn't let kevin continue and gets up on his feet, feeling his back ache from sitting down for too long. "don't do that, you know i hate it."

"i just want you to take care of yourself," kevin pleads.

"and i am." sunwoo starts packing, trying his hardest to keep his moments slow and precise. he doesn't want to rush and look like he's running away. "shit happens, okay? nothing's forever. let me take care of my life as i see fit."

that makes kevin shut up.

sunwoo knows how this sounds. it sounds like he's given up and honestly… he's just tired right now. hyunjoon is his entire world, but at the same time, as much as he loathes to admit it, he's starting to understand what hyunjoon meant. people are treating him like the worst tragedy has bestowed upon him and, for god's sake, he and hyunjoon are just on a break.

they haven't broken up, they're just taking some time. people need to stop acting like they've broken up, because they haven't. hyunjoon is just figuring his shit out and, honestly, sunwoo has been doing a lot of thinking, too.

he was worrying so much about hyunjoon, about hyunjoon's frustrations, about hyunjoon's sense of accomplishment, that sunwoo hadn't been thinking about himself. he hadn't been thinking about his work, about his final school assignments, he had been behaving like everything was already set in stone. like his job was secured and school was just an afterthought, but he could lose those things. he could fail his final classes and not even get hired once he had his diploma if he didn't show the company that he was a keeper.

he has to live his own life, too.

he had been too comfortable, acting like he had his entire life ahead of him and that it would always be something like this and. sunwoo never thought he would settle this way, much less while still so young. he's so young, there's still so much he wants to see.

"sorry for butting in," kevin says after a long silence, interrupting sunwoo's thoughts again. "i'm just here if you need anything, yeah? you know that."

sunwoo smiles tight lipped. "thanks, but i'd rather you just acted like normal."

"noted," kevin says, and he looks serious. sunwoo let's his shoulders relax.

it's only been two weeks, that's hardly enough time to be causing this much alarm. by now everyone knows already, of course, sunwoo is sure the rumor mill has already gotten through its full circle within the first week alone, but it took a while for anyone start doing what kevin just did. they're a large group of friends, so it's easier to just talk to people here and there without having to make it obvious that things are more or less separated. he hopes not everyone decides to worry about him and butt in on his business. even so, everyone needs getting used to this, sunwoo guesses.

it's just that he needs getting used, too. he most of all.

Chapter Text

when he failed his last audition, hyunjoon didn't speak for a whole day. after speaking as briefly as possible to sunwoo on the phone, his lips were sealed. changmin and kevin came over at night with some shit excuse to get a couple of games back— sunwoo nearly didn't open the door for them. he knew hyunjoon didn't want to see anyone. though even he didn't notice right away that hyunjoon wasn't saying anything.

he'd look when he was called and point at things or leave the room when the questions started. changmin and kevin got even more worried but sunwoo sent them home with promises to keep a close eye on his boyfriend. the second day, though, hyunjoon spoke by accident.

he was sat on their kitchen, drinking straight black coffee, when sunwoo got home. hyunjoon merely watched him get in, lips sealed.

sunwoo didn't say anything either, just carried a bag of groceries in and put it on top of the counter, starting to organize its contents in all the wrong places.

he put the cheese inside the cupboard instead of the refrigerator and put a bag of crackers where the rice was supposed to go. when he started taking the apples and putting them, carefully, one by one, inside their mugs, hyunjoon got up and said: "what are you doing?"

sunwoo had shrugged, not looking up at hyunjoon. "just putting things away."

"that's not how you're supposed to do that."

sunwoo had raised his eyebrows in challenge. "then how is the right way to be here for you?"

hyunjoon had walked right into that one.

without any words to say to sunwoo, he started putting the things in the right place. the entire process took twice the time it needed to because sunwoo kept on taking things out of the bags and putting them in the wrong places—uncooked meat with the pans under the sink! ramyun in the refrigerator! yogurt in the cupboard!—, but at least he didn't pick them again after hyunjoon had moved them to their right storage place, so they just worked around each other until it was all put away.

hyunjoon couldn't remember the last time they had had so much food at home— sunwoo had gone more than a little overboard with the groceries. hyunjoon put his hands on the edge of the kitchen sink, leaning his weight onto it. he could feel sunwoo's eyes on him and he didn't want to have to do this. he knew that what sunwoo was doing was for his good, hyunjoon knew that this was the best way to go about this; he knew he should turn around and talk to sunwoo. he knew of so many things that he should do.

he also should've put in more effort to to be ready for the auditions. he had been so careful with his recently healed ankle. he had held back.

sunwoo touched his shoulder. he always tried to be so careful with hyunjoon. sunwoo had been so sweet when they were kids, then hyunjoon had gone and ruined that.

sunwoo touched his shoulder with the softest press, just a small thing. he wasn't forcing anything, but he was trying to get a response from it. hyunjoon knew. and even that was more than what hyunjoon could give him. so hyunjoon took a step back, a step away.

he turned around, never looking up, never looking back, and went to their bedroom, where he locked himself in.