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Ten…
Nine…
Barry is looking around Starlabs at all his friends happily counting down the end of the year. So many smiling faces. He should be happy as well, he has every reason to be happy, but deep down he knows he isn’t happy.
Eight…
He smiles at Iris and Nora, getting ready to toast the new year, but his smile feels forced.
Seven…
His eyes wander over Joe and Cecile, Ralph and Sherloque, landing on Cisco and Caitlin.
Caitlin.
This time his smile appears on its own.
Siiiiiiiix…
Time stills around him as he enters Flashtime, seeking a little clarity. Only a few more seconds of this year to go. He lets his mind wander off, toward the beginning of it, where he had ended up in prison. Not something he would have seen coming. He had always wanted to be like his father but being wrongfully accused of murder was not what he had had in mind. Being locked up, unable to help people, away from his family, his friends…
It’s already midnight when Barry knocks on Caitlin’s door. “Barry? What are you doing here?” she asks surprised as she opens it. “You’re supposed to be in prison. What if somebody finds out? You’re risking your secret identity,“ she worries while letting him in.
“I know, but I wanted to see you,” he replies smiling softly. She sighs gently. “I’ve been wanting to see you, too.”
“Then why haven’t you?” he wonders out loud despite himself while looking around her living room, the softness and peacefulness in stark contrast to his recent living quarters. When his gaze settles back on her, he notices she’s biting her lower lip.
“What?” “Nothing” she replies quickly, but he knows that she’s keeping something from him. He's aware that he took a huge risking coming here, there are no cameras in his cell, but if somebody checks on him, the pillows under the cover won’t fool anybody. Still, it has been over a week and she hasn’t visited him yet.
“Hey, talk to me,” he urges her gently, while putting one hand on her arm. She’s looking at his hand for a while, before meeting his eyes. “You only have a limited amount of visitation time,” she finally concedes, “and I didn’t want to take time away for Iris to visit you.”
Always putting his happiness first, he thinks, as he puts his other hand on her arm.
“Hey, I still want to be able to see you, too. I missed you.”
“I missed you, too,” she whispers, tears forming in her eyes. He quickly takes a step forward and wraps her in his arms.
Fiiiiiiveeee…
He really had missed her, expecting her to show up every day, disappointed when she didn’t come. But of course, her reason for staying away was as selfless as she is, always putting everybody else before herself. Never wanting to burden anybody with her problems, not even when she was dealing with Killer Frost…
“Barry, don’t let Caity die.” His breath hitches as he stares at Killerfrost. He’s used to her sarcasm and teasing, even her bravery, but this serious plea catches him off guard. Not only has she never called him Barry before, the way she looked at him right now, he thought he saw Caitlin in her eyes. He nods. “Okay,” he mumbles softly, unable to say much more at the moment. He wishes he could promise her that they’ll be fine, but he’s running out of options and out of time…
Later that night, nearing towards midnight, he’s standing in front of Caitlin’s door, yet again, hoping she’s still awake.
“Barry, you’re supposed to be resting,” she exclaims indignantly as she opens the door to let him in.
“I know, but I feel fine. And I didn’t use my powers to get here,” he reassures her.
“Well, I guess that’s something,” she concedes grudgingly, “so what are you doing here, anyway?”
“We didn’t really get a chance to talk before,” he replies as they sit down on her couch, “but I wanted to see if you’re okay.”
“Of course, I’m okay, you saved us all, remember,” she teases him with a smile on her face. He can’t help but smile back at her, feeling calmer already. Even though he did feel fine, he realizes the whole ordeal still had him on edge, but now he finally feels at ease.
“Look, I never realized just how much Killer Frost cares about you, but something happened when she was in Flash Time with me,” he starts carefully. “I know, I remember,” Caitlin continues. “You do?” he wonders surprised. She nods beaming. “Yeah, it’s the first time I remember anything this clearly. I remember what happened in Flash time and I could feel how worried she was for me, I don’t know why but this time was different,” she explains. “It felt different,” Barry agrees smiling, “she was different. More like you.”
They smile at each other for a moment, before Barry adds. “I’m just glad you’re okay. Frost asking me not to let you die,” Barry clears his throat, “it threw me for a loop.” Caitlin gently places a hand on his arm. “I’m okay, really” she reassures him. Barry nods. “It’s just, knowing everybody was about to die was one thing, knowing you were about to die…” Barry shakes his head,” anyway I’m glad you remember what happened, maybe with a little practice you’ll remember more often now.” “Maybe,” she agrees, smiling softly up at him, before pulling him in for a hug. Barry tightens his arms around her, pushing his face into her shoulder, comforted by her presence in a way he didn’t know he needed.
“It seemed like you could use a hug,” she whispers in his ear.
Fooouuur…
She always knows when he needs a hug or when he’s feeling down. She just gets him in a way nobody else does. Barry sighs, he wishes he could say the same thing about Iris. Lately, he just feels like they aren’t on the same wavelength anymore which led him to wonder if they had ever been on it in the first place. She’s always pushing him and not in a good way. He feels like he’s constantly trying to live up to her expectations.
Whereas Caitlin accepts him the way he is, maybe occasionally, nudging him in the right direction. He can’t help but smile at the thought. She’s always there when he needs her, he really can’t imagine what he would do if he ever lost her…
Caitlin’s gasp cuts through his bones, as his head snaps in her direction. He instantly spots the sword protruding from her chest. Time slows as Samuroid throws her through the air. A rage fills him, he hasn’t felt in a while, as he dismantles the samurai with his own sword. A foe that had seemed formidable enough when he got out of the speed force, was now only a blur on his radar. Something to be dealt with quickly, and angrily if he’s being honest with himself, before he can take care of Caitlin.
Swiftly he catches her in his arms, pulling her close. He can feel her hard breathing and he knows her being conscious is a good sign, but the worry for her is still overwhelming. “Meet us at Starlabs,” he instructs Ralph before speeding off with Caitlin in his arms. He knows that he’s leaving the bus meta behind, making them vulnerable, but Caitlin’s hurt and that’s the only thing on his mind right now.
As he’s speeding through the streets, her head lulls against his chest, unconsciousness taking her. His heart skips a beat before realizing that Frost has taken over for a while. She’s healing. Relief spreads through him, but he doesn’t slow down. He needs to get her to Starlabs, needs to get this big coat off of her, needs to assess the damage, needs to see with his own eyes that she’s healed before he can breathe easily again. Because he can’t take her being hurt, he can’t take even the thought of losing her.
Threeeeee…
That's something he realized yet again when he went back in time. Going back to the day Zoom kidnapped her, witnessing it all over again had ripped something open inside him. It really had been one of his darkest days. Caitlin had risked her life for him and then she had been taken away, she had been in danger and he had been powerless to save her. Breaking down in the hallway, he thought he would never get up again. And Iris’s speech didn’t help the matter. In the end, it was Harry’s dry comment that he wasn’t helping Caitlin by sitting on the ground that got him up again. After all, he would always get up for her…
Barry wakes up well after midnight with his Flash alarm going off. Grabbing his phone, he sees the SOS is coming from Caitlin. Wide awake, he jumps out of bed, as another text message arrives. ‘I think someone’s in my home’ Panicked, Barry grabs his suit and is already running, trying to keep his mind from conjuring up images of Caitlin being hurt, getting kidnapped, …
He doesn’t even pause in front of her apartment and just phases right through the door.
In the living room, he spots two guys dressed in black going through her stuff. Burglars. Not seeing any sign of Caitlin, he puts cuffs on them faster than they can blink. “Flash?” one of them asks taken aback by his sudden appearance. Before they can say anything else, he knocks them out. For good measure, he tells himself, not because he’s angry or worried.
“Cait?” he calls out, as he makes his way to her bedroom. “In here,” he hears a tiny voice, leading him to her wardrobe. He opens the door carefully to find her sitting on the floor inside, knees up to her chin. “Hey,” he kneels down in front of her, ”It’s okay, you’re safe.” She nods her head slowly as she takes his outstretched hand, letting him pull her up. “Are you hurt?” he asks her worriedly. She shakes her head. “I’m okay.” He gives her a quick once-over making sure she really is okay.
“I need to get these scumbags to the precinct, are you going to be fine alone for a few minutes?” he wants to know, worried that she’s so quiet. Another nod. He glances at her one more time, before taking off.
As he grabs the two burglars, still knocked out cold, his gaze lands on the mess they made in the living room, the broken glass of the window. Not wanting Caitlin to see her living room this violated, he quickly puts everything back, taking a few samples with him to his lab.
After handing the perps over to the police, he speeds back to Caitlin, to find her sitting on her bed, only inches from where he left her. He swiftly sits down next to her, one hand on her arm. “Hey, you’re safe. The burglars are in police custody, nothing’s stolen, just a broken window but that can be easily fixed, so don’t worry, okay?” he tries to reassure her. She nods.
“I’m sorry I woke you up in the middle of the night,” she murmurs, “I just heard a sound and then some voices and I got so scared.” “Of course. you did the right thing,” he replies, rubbing his hand up and down her arm soothingly. “I feel like I overreacted,” she continues softly, “but I was just so scared.” “That’s normal, there were two guys in your apartment, I’m really glad you called me and stayed hidden,” Barry assures her, still feeling uneasy seeing her so small and quiet.
“I didn’t use to need to stay hidden,” she whispers so softly, Barry nearly doesn’t catch it.
At that moment he realizes what’s really been bothering her. If Killer Frost were still a part of her, she could have defended herself.
“You’ll get her back, “ he promises as he wraps one arm around her shoulder and pulls her close. At first, she feels stiff, then he can feel her crumble, easing into him, her head on his shoulder, her hand on his chest, as she starts crying. He wraps his other arm around her as well, rubbing her back, letting her cry. Finally mourning Frost, a part of her she lost the moment she had accepted her, a part that had made her feel strong and a part that had ended up becoming her friend.
Twooooo….
He’s so happy for Caitlin that she got Frost back. Even if it took the whole ordeal with her father to get her to come out again. But he wishes he could have done more for her, having to go through the revelation her father’s still alive, only to find out his alter ego has taken him over completely...
Though in the end, this had brought them closer again, and she did seem happier. Then again he was done pretending that she didn’t mean a great deal to him because she did, she meant the world to him.
And it’s at that moment, in the clarity he only finds in Flash time, that he has to finally admit to himself.
He loves Caitlin, always has, always will.
He looks over at his Iris and wonders how he could have been so blind, yes he loves Iris, but not the way he loves Caitlin. His love for Caitlin feels real, healthy. And though he knows that his realization will bring a lot of heartbreak, complications and pain in the coming year, he also knows exactly how he wants to start it.
Oneeeee…
Caitlin looks up, surprised to see Barry all of a sudden standing very close in front of her, the room around them frozen, ready to greet the new year.
“What are you doing?” she wonders.
“I’m sorry, I don’t have a lot of time to explain right now, but there’s something I need to tell you before the new year,” he says softly. She keeps looking at him quizzically, but she doesn’t step away, even when he leans in closer.
So, he takes a deep breath and whispers “I love you” before closing the distance between them and pressing his lips on hers.
For a moment she seems frozen, but then she wraps his arms around him, returning the kiss eagerly. Encouraged by her reaction, he pulls her even closer, as he enjoys this moment.
There will be time for explanations and consequences, but right now he’s starting the new year by kissing the love of his life.
“Happy New Year”
And that’s when all hell breaks loose…