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Jackson loves it when Jinyoung looks like this.
His hair is ruffled after brushing his hands through it without care; it’s messy and haphazardly strewn across the top of his head, softening the usual clean edge that Jinyoung almost always has. His blue dress shirt is untucked, unbuttoned slightly lower than normal, and rumpled with the sleeves being folded up to reveal his forearms. His cardigan is draped over the back of the chair he sits in, forgotten at the moment. He laughs now, his eyes crinkling as they close, and a hand coming up to cover his open mouth as soft chuckles emit from his form.
His usual self, who is punctual and stern and paternal and slick and clean and all straight lines without a hair out of place, is now reversed. He delectably soft right now, unguarded and sloppy. The edge that he adds to his words has dissolved and now he’s open, accepting. He doesn’t shy away from a hand in his, or an arm around his waist, or even a kiss on his cheek. He’s gentle and calm, not worrying about the next thing that they have to do, not worrying about practice or rehearsal or a show or this or that. He’s present. He’s tender. He’s malleable. He’s plush.
He’s like the velvet sweater Jackson’s mother made him wear for all of his childhood. Soft under his small childish fingers and beautiful to every person who saw it. Though it had an expensive look and was used for formal wear, Jackson could still enjoy the pleasurable feel of it and how it just radiated warmth alongside comfort. His mother would scold him for tugging it out of place, yet he couldn’t ever stop touching it.
And looking at Jinyoung right now, he wants to touch him.
He wants to tousle his hair and feel how silky it is. With the amount of product Jinyoung packs on tours, it should be an experience to sweep a hand over it. He wants to brush his hand along Jinyoung’s flushed cheeks, pushing away the hand Jinyoung always covers his mouth with. He wants to latch onto him, hold Jinyoung like he means the world to him, and just stay there for hours. He doesn’t need Jinyoung to do anything except smile and laugh and tolerate his presence. He just wants a hug that lasts so long his arms are sore, but it doesn’t matter because his soul will feel so full.
But Jackson exercises self-restraint and holds his hands to himself.
“Jackson, you’re so...what’s the word?”
“Funny, smart, perfect,” Jackson lists, earning more low giggles from the other.
“No, it’s uh-”
“No?!?” Jackson mocks offense. “I’m not any of those things?”
“No!” Jinyoung shakes his head, knocking himself a little off balance. He titters in his chair still smiling.
“Do you only say no now?”
“No...Wait.”
It’s Jackson’s turn to laugh.
“Jackson,” Jinyoung scolds with a light tone.
“You’re too drunk to yell at me now, Junior.”
“Ah! That’s-”
Jackson just laughs at Jinyoung’s attempt to wag a finger at him. Jinyoung’s elbow slides and he catches his stumble.
“Stupid. Maybe that’s the word I was looking for,” Jinyoung huffs, collecting himself.
“Nonsense,” Jackson replies alongside a sip of his drink.
Everyone had been over at his place, away from the cameras and paparazzi. Just enjoying dinner with the group when they all had a night to relax. Jackson expected them to be over all night, but most of the members exercised self-control and left pretty early. Granted that was at around midnight until about one, and still, everyone had a little bit to drink due to Jackson providing them all with soju and beer; usually, everyone would have stayed until four or five in the morning due to the amount of squabbling and games that took place when they were together. Bambam had some modeling gig, Yugyeom was working on some choreography with Youngjae, Mark was having coffee with some important person, and Jaebum hadn’t slept since the beginning of the week.
And when everyone announced their plans for tomorrow, Jackson noticed how Jinyoung had yet to answer. “And how about you, Jinyoung?” Youngjae inquired for him.
The man just shrugged his shoulders. “I’ve got tomorrow free. I’m probably going to clean and go to the gym, then brush up on music and choreography.”
Though such a response was ideal, Jackson thought Jinyoung wouldn’t stay long. He wasn’t the type to hang around, drinking and talking. Jackson was used to that sort of person, mostly due to his dealing with Mark for a while. Mark loved being at home and he didn’t have to be alone, but he preferred it. Jackson always knew when to give him space, after a lot of trial and error at the beginning.
So when Mark was the first to head off, which was not surprising, Jackson expected Jinyoung to follow suit. They had only had a glass of beer or soju, depending on the member, and they were all winding down from a lovely dinner.
Then a few more drinks passed and Jinyoung didn’t make an effort to move. Jinyoung wasn’t the type to even have alcohol with the rest of the group when they went out to bars or had a night in. So, Jackson was suspicious and decided to cut back on the amount he was having. Usually, he’d keep up with Youngjae until lines blurred and he could only think of two words at a time.
Maybe a glass of water didn’t seem too bad, especially when Park Jinyoung was drinking with everyone else.
Yugyeom left after that, stating that he had reached his limit. Bambam was close behind, worried that too many drinks would show up on his skin. And then, the four of them that were left just sat around an empty table and talked.
They shared where they wanted this group to head and how far they’ve come. They talked about what they think the future holds for them and how they can achieve it. They spoke about old childhood stories and big beliefs that have always been instilled in them since the beginning.
Jackson hadn’t felt so relaxed in such a setting in a long time. He just sat and listened, talking only when he needed to. Youngjae picked up on this sudden change of character and asked if was slowly growing out of his childish habits. Jackson leaped out of his chair in reply and yelled at the top of his voice something so immature and foolish, it left everyone in stitches, even Park Jinyoung.
Jaebum and Youngjae departed soon afterward, the younger of the two holding up the leader and helping him get home safely.
And then it was just Jinyoung and Jackson.
“Do you want more beer?” Jackson inquired.
Jinyoung studied his glass for a second before nodding.
“How much have you had?”
“Just two or three or four glasses.”
“You don’t drink much, are you sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah. I’m fine,” Jinyoung shrugged, responding with ease. “I haven’t been able to just...what is it? relax. Relax with everyone in so long.”
Jackson nodded as he poured. “I understand. With how our schedules are, I don’t even see the group some days, which is so different from how it used to be.”
“I was so used to everyone waking up at the same time and the morning routine we’d have,” Jinyoung hummed, watching the glass. “When you left, it felt...so quiet?”
“Really?” Jackson finished the cup and set the bottle on the table.
“I had forgotten how I had gotten used to your snores and your alarm,” Jinyoung frowned, gripping the drink in his hands. “The first night I couldn’t sleep because I knew something was wrong. Mark realized it, too. He came into my room, eyes wide, and asked if he could sleep near me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” Jinyoung tilted his head, bangs softly falling onto his face. “I mean, it gave us more room, less to clean up after.”
“Sometimes, you say the nicest things and then tear my heart out afterward.”
Jinyoung smirked at that. “That is my specialty.”
They continued to jab at each other the whole time. Jinyoung starting to flush and loosen even more as the drinks started to hit. Jackson was riding on the edge of sober and tipsy, still fully cognitive. He moved to sit beside Jinyoung after the other man almost fell over when he wanted to get out of his chair to go to the bathroom. They both had laughed obscenely and Jackson had helped him recover.
Jinyoung also showed Jackson how to make the perfect Somaek. “Ratios. It’s all about ratios.”
“Of course, I had never thought about it that way.” Jackson’s sarcasm cut him a loose slap on the arm.
“Pay attention, class is in session.”
Which brought them to now, Jinyoung, two more glasses in, Jackson, halfway done sipping through his third glass, at three thirty-nine in the morning, with Jackson saying some good jokes and Jinyoung laughing unabashedly. His staccato laughs louder than normal and the notes sloppily coming together.
“You’re so mean to me, Jinyoung,” Jackson huffs.
“That’s because you’re mean to me,” Jinyoung responds, giggles still permeating his words.
“Really?”
“Yeah,” Jinyoung dips his head forward. “You continuously flirt with everyone and it’s infuriating.”
Jackson is taken aback. He pauses and blinks before replying, “How is that me being mean?”
“It’s annoying and it pisses me off.” Jinyoung’s voice dips lower, conveying more of a grumble as his head hits the table.
“I mean, it doesn’t interfere with work and it’s apart of my personality,” Jackson frowns. “Why would that bother you? Out of it all?”
“Because...just...because.” Jinyoung seems to be talking to the wood of the table now with his cheek pressed against it.
“Jinyoung,” Jackson sighs.
“You make my name sound like a curse.”
“Sure.”
Jinyoung just grunts in reply. There’s a beat before Jinyoung states, “Also, you snore way too loud.”
“I do not.”
“You do ,” Jinyoung sits up at this, eyes like daggers. “Every time I sleep in the same hotel room as you I wake up to your snores.”
“So, that’s me being mean to you?”
“It’s like you purposely enjoy keeping me from sleep.”
“Then, why would you even sleep in the same room as me?”
Jinyoung pauses at that. His body sways slightly as his mind reels to presumably find an answer. Jackson just sighs once more, waiting for an answer. “Because you always fall asleep when I do.” Jinyoung’s words are slow and pensive as he crafts the sentence.
“What does that mean?” Jackson cocks an eyebrow.
“Bambam and Yugyeom always stay up way too late for me,” Jinyoung begins, holding up two fingers. “They are too young to understand the importance of sleep. Youngjae always takes Jaebeom, because he’s the only one that can take that man’s snores and they also talk to each other in their sleep. Both of them go to bed too early for me, mostly cause Jaebeom’s old.”
Jackson laughs at that because he’s the same age as the two of them and he can’t help but smile at Jinyoung’s brandishing of his four fingers.
“And Mark gets in bed at the same time I do, but always falls asleep first, which makes me feel bad if I make any noise.”
“I mean, your logic’s a little screwy, but you’re drunk so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt,” Jackson nods. “So, you’ve labeled me as the best choice.”
“Yes,” Jinyoung sways again. “You’re the best of the worst.”
Jackson smiles, “Thanks.”
“That’s not a compliment.”
“I can still take it as one.”
Jinyoung frowns and opens his mouth for a retort, but ends up closing it instead.
There’s a moment of silence again. This time Jinyoung just staring at Jackson, eyes wrinkled as if he’s searching for something. He tilts his head and his pupils search Jackson’s face, gaze intense and unwavering.
Jackson grips the glass in his hand and raises his eyebrows. “What are you looking for?”
Jinyoung blinks at that. “What are you talking about?”
Jackson takes the opportunity to bring his drink to his lips. “You just seemed to be pretty bent on looking at my face. Is there something on it?”
“No.”
Jackson takes a swig of his drink and sets it down. He returns to looking back at Jinyoung and sees that the other’s stare has gotten even harsher.
“What?” Jackson quips, feeling his mouth start to frown.
“Your eyes are brown.”
“Yes,” Jackson exhales. “What about it?”
“I… I just never noticed it before,” Jinyoung’s words tremble with hesitation and he slowly leans forward towards Jackson.
“I’m pretty sure everyone in our group has brown eyes,” Jackson supplies, moving back slightly at the sudden movement.
“Bambam wears contacts of a different color.” Jinyoung’s face is still coming closer to Jackson’s.
“Common knowledge.”
Jinyoung’s hand lands on Jackson’s thigh and the man immediately feels his cheeks warm as electricity flicks through his bones from where Jinyoung’s hand rests.
“Jin-” Jackson starts and suddenly Jinyoung’s close . His nose meters away. Jackson can taste the alcohol on Jinyoung’s breath. Jackson’s voice is breathless as he whispers the rest of the other’s name, “- young ?”
“Is this what you do?” Jinyoung asks, eyes hooded and voice like venomous silk.
“What?” Jackson replies and his eyes narrow.
“Is this what you do with all your girls?” Jinyoung reiterates. “Lure them to your place, get them drunk, and then see where the night takes you two?”
Jackson’s eyes widen at the implication. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Come on, Jackson,” Jinyoung spits, body moving closer. Jackson shifts backward to counteract the movement and notices he’s going to fall if he goes back anymore. “I’m not stupid. You go off to clubs late at night, find a pretty girl, blow off steam and then come to rehearsal the next day with a stupid grin on your face and hickeys on your neck. What else am I supposed to imagine?”
“That was one time long ago.”
“Was it fun?”
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to answer that.”
“Honestly. Truthfully.” Jinyoung’s hair falls into his eyes and it takes all the self-control in the world for Jackson to not brush it back.
He can’t touch Jinyoung now because it’s too risky. He’s too close. He’s too open . This version of Jinyoung is vengeful and for some reason, angry, but beautiful and messy. It’s so opposite to everything Jinyoung is. He isn’t reserved here. He’s crass and questioning and breaks the usual boundaries. Maybe that’s why Jackson absolutely loves it.
“Honestly?” Jackson huffs. “We had both had one drink and danced together. Then, yeah, I had a little ‘fun’ because, at that time, I kinda needed it. Then, I left and never saw that person again. It was a good time. But, I don’t know why you need to know about it.”
“Person?” Jinyoung picks up on the genderless term.
Jackson just gulps.
“Who?”
“Does it matter?” Jackson rolls his eyes in attempts to stop the line of conversation.
“Yeah.”
“Wrong answer,” Jackson retorts. “Come on, Jinyoung. Sit down and stop asking about my exploits. You sound like BamBam.”
Jinyoung’s eyes darken. “You told BamBam?”
“He assumed stuff happened. I never told him anything.”
Jinyoung still looks pissed. “Of course. I bet you two talked about it over meat.”
“You are still bent out of shape about that?” Jackson’s eyebrows furrow. “Jinyoung, we talked about this-”
“I don’t care that we talked about it,” Jinyoung grumbles and moves a hand up to Jackson’s cheek. Jackson's stomach churns and he’s once again reminded about how close they are. “I know I’m not supposed to be petty and I have to let stuff go. But, it still hurts.”
The room is tense and Jackson doesn’t know how to reply.
“Why?”
Jinyoung isn’t satisfied with that, in fact, it fires him up even more. The hand on Jackson’s cheek drops as Jinyoung starts to fervently talk with his hands. “Why? Why ? I don’t know! Maybe it’s because I’ll come over and drink with you whenever, but you’re never here for me to drink with. I don’t move out of the dorms into some new, fancy place that has smooth countertops and enough room to seat seven people. I don’t have thousands of shows lined up ten years in the future and no time to even have dinner.”
Jackson blinks, realizing that this isn’t some new discovery. Jinyoung’s been feeling this way for a while and it makes Jackson’s insides burn with shame and disappointment. He had let Jinyoung down, enough to where a quick joke won’t fix this.
The moment of high intensity is knocked into a place of awkwardness as the room is silent. Jackson finally starts with, “Jinyoung, what are you-?”
“No. I don’t...This…” Jinyoung sighs, looking dejected and mournful. His head falls into Jackson’s chest. Jackson’s heart stumbles. “I just miss you. I’m not angry at you, I’m just angry that you’re gone. It’s so…stupidly quiet without you. The time when we have stuff without you, I just miss your stupidly high laugh and constant need for affection. I miss you prompting me to say ‘wang gae, park gae’. I just miss the stupidly small stuff that only you do.”
Jackson can only say, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” Jinyoung mutters into Jackson’s jacket. “It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just…I want to be with you and I can’t because of our schedules.”
Jackson brings a hesitant hand up to Jinyoung’s back and begins rubbing small circles. Jinyoung exhales, breath hot on Jackson’s collarbone, but the man can’t bring himself to care. Jackson is in a state of whiplash after having received the information he just did.
“I’m sorry,” Jinyoung whispers. “I’m drunk and I’m tired and it’s three o’clock in the morning.”
“Don’t apologize for having feelings,” Jackson responds.
Jinyoung gives a whisper of a chuckle and clutches Jackson tighter.
They sit for a moment, letting the air between them settle. Jackson just rubs Jinyoung’s back in an attempt to relieve him and his mind whirrs of ways to solve these problems. Jackson realizes that Jinyoung’s drifting off to sleep when the hand on his thigh slides off without warning.
“You are in no state to head home,” Jackson hums.
Jackson’s destruction of the silence causes Jinyoung to perk up a bit. “I’m fine.”
“No, you were just about to fall asleep and I can’t have you dozing off in some unknown taxi driver’s car.”
Jinyoung just murmurs gibberish in response and Jackson can feel more of his weight falling into him.
“Alright, get up,” Jackson heaves Jinyoung’s torso off of him and begins to stand. “Time for bed.”
A noise of protest escaped Jinyoung’s mouth but Jackson shushed him in reply. Jackson gets him to stand and they wobble to Jackson’s room, Jinyoung leaning heavily on Jackson. Jinyoung crashes onto the bed, face first into the pillows. Jackson shakes his head as he removes the few decorative pillows out from under Jinyoung.
“Turn over and get under the covers,” Jackson orders lightly after tugging a corner of the bedspread back. Jinyoung grumbles but does what he’s told.
“Normally, I don’t wear this much clothing when I go to bed,” Jinyoung states, already curling up on his side.
“You can take whatever you want off when I leave,” Jackson responds as he tucks Jinyoung in.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m gonna go sleep on the couch. Now, sleep tight. Do you have a time you need to be up by?”
“Not that I know of,” Jinyoung responds, curling into the sheets more.
“Okay.” Jackson pauses and sighs. He turns to leave and shut off the light behind him but is stopped by a hand on his wrist. “Hm?”
“Goodnight, Jackson,” Jinyoung mutters.
“Goodnight, Jinyoung.”
And with that, Jackson’s wrist is free and he leaves without a glance back, because if he did look back, he knows his heart would melt at the thought of Jinyoung in his bed.