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“Uh, hey guys! I’m Spider-Man, and I’m doing the WIRED Auto-Complete Interview! I don’t really know why I’m here, Mr. Stark kinda shoved me in this direction and told me to do this, so hopefully I don’t mess up?” Spider-Man shrugged, and caught the board thrown in his direction.
“Is Spider-Man…” He tore off the first strip of paper. “...an alien? Technically, aren’t we all aliens? Like to the people we consider aliens? In any case, you’ll just have to find out.”
Spider-Man tore off the next strip. “Is Spider-Man bi? Yep! I swing both ways.” He finger-gunned at the camera. “You know my friend dared me to come out using that pun? He said it on the group chat and all, so of course I was obligated to do it. I have no regrets. I mean, yeah, they didn’t know I was Spider-Man and I’m pretty sure I revealed myself to them, but it’s fine.”
“Is Spider-Man dead?” Staring directly into the camera, he deadpanned, “Yes.”
“Is Spider-Man an Avenger? So, that’s a funny story…” Spider-Man threw the board over his shoulder and continued, “Remember that space doughnut that showed up a while back? I climbed up there, got this suit because of oxygen deprivation, saved a wizard, and then Mr. Stark knighted me before I died. But then, after they killed that purple grape dude, I came back! And I was never de-knighted. De-knighted? Is that a word? I’m going to assume it is. So yes, I’d say I’m pretty much an Avenger.”
Spider-Man was thrown the next board, and when he caught it, he said, “At least my superpowers are good for something other than emotional trauma. It would be pretty embarrassing if I didn’t catch that… Mr. Stark would probably make fun of me for a couple months.” He shuddered at the thought before moving on.
“Who is Spider-Man? Very direct. But that’s a good question. Who am I? I certainly don’t know. But I want to make the song reference so badly right now. I’m not going to, since I am not singing in an interview that I know is going to be on the internet. I don’t need any more blackmail against me. Not after last time.”
“How old is Spider-Man? Bold of you to assume I age.”
“Can Spider-Man control spiders? Okay, so, I have arachnophobia. Ironic, right? But one time, these muggers thought that I, as Spider -Man, could control spiders. So, obviously, I just went with it, and threatened to sicc spiders on them if they didn’t stop. I can honestly say I’ve never seen two more terrified people, and they bolted out of there as fast as they could. I barely even had time to web them up. I think the real reason why I can’t control spiders is that I’d be too powerful. That’s probably also the reason I have depression. I could’ve taken over the world if I didn’t have it, so you should be thankful.”
“What does Spider-Man eat?” Spider-Man looked at the camera. “A healthy portion of tide pods and bleach.”
“How did Spider-Man get his powers? A spider god gave them to me.”
“Okay, so this is the last one.” Spider-Man shifted in his seat before ripping off the last strip. “Does Spider-Man have social media?” He laughed and looked off-camera, saying, “Great last question, guys. Now I can shamelessly self-promote.” Looking back at the camera, he continued, “You can find me at @NYCWallCrawler for Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat. And I don’t have a Facebook because I made fun of Mr. Stark for having one and I cannot risk him doing the same to me. It might never end.”
Spider-Man once again threw the board over his shoulder, and said, “Alright, I guess that’s it. That wasn’t too bad, actually. I don’t think I failed completely? Anyways, see you next time, thanks for watching!”
meme overlord ✓ 10 minutes ago
you couldn’t have inVITED ME?!!?!??
meme overlord ✓ 10 minutes ago
I was so bored I had to resort to fixing my brother’s sUIT
meme overlord ✓ 10 minutes ago
b e t r a y a l
yote 14 minutes ago
wait so spider-man has arachnophobia??????? wtf???
mischiefmanaged 20 minutes ago
also he got his powers from a spider god???
mood 7 minutes ago
all of the uwu’s
expectopatronum 18 minutes ago
did he really come out using the pun “i swing both ways” because i can totally see that happening
spidey fan 25 minutes ago
yeah one day he just randomly tweeted “i swing both ways” it was great
panicking! at the disco 32 minutes ago
mood, honestly
mood 33 minutes ago
you called?
shrutefarmsbeets 4 minutes ago
this has cleared my skin, watered my crops, and given me a will to live
a. ham 47 minutes ago
what blackmail??????
a. ham 47 minutes ago
and what happened last time????