Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

They called her the Normandy, a blend of human and turian design to show that after attempting to murder each other over a stupid misunderstanding the two species could in fact work together. And she was a beautiful ship...which Zander Shepard was deeply focusing on to try to keep from getting themselves into a knot. Again.

One would think that being on ships so often would acclimate someone to them, and in many cases this was the fact! But it was much harder when the person in question had intrusive thoughts that loved to come out to back hand them directly in the face in the most wonderful of times. Like when Kaidan was speaking to them about..something or another. He had arrived just a moment ago where they distantly noted his presence.

“...Shepard. Lycaon. Hey, mission control to Commander are you okay?”

A hand on their arm was what jolted them away from the Bad Thought, a moment of blinking before shaking their head to clear it like an etch-e-sketch and “Fuck. Yes, thank you Lieutenant.”

“Thinking too much again?” He was a very perceptive man which was both a curse and a blessing at times. They gave him a lopsided little smile before patting the hand on their arm. (His hand was very warm they noted, a good hand for holding perhaps. Yes they would have to steal it at some point.)

“Lil bit. Space is- it's very big. Very, very big and I am very small by comparison.” Of course Zander didn't finish up the rest of the thought that had been eating at them: that the ship was so small by comparison too. Something could happen, something could break and the ship would collapse in a mess of groaning metal and glass. And they would be right in the middle of it, unable to breath or even scream and they would die. Very painfully.

But that would not happen. They would be fine. One hundred percent fine .

Or at the very least they would beat their brain with the happy stick until it stopped conjuring the Bad Thoughts for one moment. (Their therapist laughed the first time they mentioned the happy stick, but said if it works then it works.)

“...was heading up to see Joker and noticed you, Commander. Figured I should come bother you before Chakwas came to prod you again.” Oh Zander absolutely loved her, she was wonderful and they would die for her, less so when she asked a hundred questions that they couldn't answer easily. Not because they didn't want to..they just had trouble getting out the words properly. How does one get across the fact they're fucked up but not too fucked up? The world may never know.

“Oh my hero , is this the part where I get to be swept off my feet? Or or am I the one who gets to do the sweeping?” Little mock swoon and your hands clasped against your chest. Look at him all adoring, he should laugh. Maybe.

He stared at them for a moment before snorting out a laugh, his nose getting scrunched up along with his cheeks and head flopped down a little. Mission success. “I, somehow I think if I tried to sweep you off your feet you'd bite me Commander.” They flashed a smile with their sharp lil teeth (varren smile that's what other mom called it) and a lopsided shrug.

“Honestly that's fair.” As a child they had a bad habit of biting the other children to show their displeasure and they...never fully grew out of that. If someone couldn't listen to them saying as politely as their southern self could “fuck off and remove your hands from my body” then the logical response was to bite!

“But you're you're a friend so I wouldn't bite you.” Brief pause for drama . “Unless you're into that kinda thing.” Scuttle away quickly while you hear him sputtering and can practically feel him blushing. Friendship.

----

Their freakout corner wasn't too far from the cockpit so it only took them a few minutes to sidle up to Joker and pester him with awful jokes, or at least they would have if Nihlus wasn't there. So they backpedaled as quickly as possible to come up with a plan of action for interacting.

It wasn't that they disliked Nihlus or anything no, the problem was they liked him too much . They liked him in that starstruck hero worship sort of way and they liked him in that “i would absolutely never stop kissing you holy fuck” kind of way.

The first time they saw him they choked on their words more than normal, their brain casually pointing out a variety of things that only served to further kill them. Like the fact he could probably wrap his hands around their entire waist and snap them in half. The fact he had a good two and a half feet on them at least. The fact he had the kinda fangs they would die to have. The adorable fact his talons were painted a sparkly pink, a man after their own heart right there.

Yep. Shepard was a useless gay and the embarrassment from their first interaction made them avoid the hell out of Nihlus unless they had prior warning to prepare a script or it was absolutely necessary.

This also meant they learned about a great many places to hide on the ship. Ah the things their dumb self does to avoid their crush. It's beautiful.

“Commander?” They flinched briefly before registering from the light blue words that Kaidan had caught up to them. “Hiding from Spectre Kryik?”

“Not not hiding just. Deciding the best way to approach.” That sounded more tactful than simply hiding .

Before he could begin to interrogate them on what exactly that means they rocked themselves back to their feet to approach Joker and Nihlus.

“Heyy Commander I was wondering if you'd ever show up.” Joker's words were set to a nice orange, a sunset orange, and they focused on them to try and block out the feeling of Nihlus's eyes on their back. “So what's today's joke?”

“You you sure you want me distracting you while you're trying to jump?”

“You're good, I could make this relay blindfolded with a hand behind my back.” He was all joking bravado but that they were certain was actually true. So they rested their arm on the back of his chair and propped their head on their hand. Kaidan stood just a few steps behind him, they could feel the disappointment already rolling off of him in waves.

“Alrighty so, so where does a general keep his ar-rmies?” Brief pause for Joker to ask where. “In, inside his sleevies.”

Joker, and Kaidan of course, let out the most dramatic groans and for a moment they swore they heard Nihlus cut off a laugh. Zander themselves had the most pleased grin in the world, they had a veritable hoard of terribly cheesy jokes to use to annoy their crewmates.

“That jump was impressive, your Captain will be pleased. However I'm sure he'd be less so with the Commanders horrid jokes.” Where Joker's words were colored orange in their optics Nihlus's were colored a forest green.

“Excuse you, he loves my jokes because he has taste unlike some people on this ship.”

It wasn't until the words left their mouth that they realized who they just addressed. Rest in pieces Commander Zander Lycaon Shepard you will be missed.

And it took another moment longer before they realized that Nihlus was.. laughing? At them? Oh holy fuck.

His mandibles were flared out and he had the dumbest smile as he laughed. He sounded like one of the crows that used to nest outside their house, the ones that cawed at too early in the morning to wake them up. “I’ll h-have to keep that in mind then Commander.”

They didn't hardly notice that he walked off as they were too busy reeling for several moments from the fact that they were snarky to a Spectre and that he laughed at them instead of reprimanding them what the fuck.

“...did he just laugh?”

“I. I think so? Did that just happen? Commander are you okay? Spacing out again?”

They flashed him a reflexive peace sign before shaking their head. “Yeah that was just.” Nice, adorable he has a cute laugh . I want to hear it again . But they were saved by the bell, or the Captain in this case.

“Joker! Give me the status report.”

“Oh ah, we've just cleared the relay Captain. Our stealth is engaged and everything looks good to go.”

“Good, find a comm buoy and link us up. I want reports relayed back to the Alliance before we reach Eden Prime.”

“Will do Captain, and brace yourself I think Nihlus is coming to see you.”

“That'd be correct. Send the Commander to the comm room for a debriefing.” Nihlus was back to his serious demeanor it seemed, the communication shut off with a brief sound of static and Joker laughed.

“Ohh Commanders in trouble- hey come back with my hat!”

“Absolutely not!” They were already skuttling away with their ill gotten goods but could distantly hear the sound Kaidan losing it. If they were going to be possibly be yelled at by Anderson might as well have a little fun before hand.

----

The first thing they noticed was that Captain Anderson was nowhere to be found. The second thing they noticed was Nihlus pacing from one side of the room to the other. Turians always walked like they were hunting something, Nihlus was no exception to this rule and it was fascinating to watch. His head snapped to the side when he noticed them, one mandible tapping against his chin briefly. “Ah Commander I was hoping you'd get here first. Give us a chance to..talk.”

That. That sounded like either the beginning to a murder or a beginning to a bad porno and they weren't sure which it was going to be. “About what Spectre Kryik sir?”

“Eden Prime.” He returned to his stalking but slower this time. “I’m interested in this world, I've heard it's rather beautiful.”

“From what I've seen it is beautiful sir. It's got ample space for animals and farming.”

The look he gave them was quizzical, a brow plate raised and mandibles flared just a bit. “Me and my family have a farm. Other moms a vet and mom's always wanted a farm, so I've I've learned a good bit about farmland. And how to sustain one even in bad conditions but Eden Prime looks like a wonderful place for it.”

Their answer evidently was satisfactory so he nodded, turning back to look to the screens. “It would be the first step for humanity then, proving that you can make and sustain a colony. But one also must protect a colony..how safe is it really? Your people are newcomers Shepard, is the Alliance ready for this?”

“I. I know we're newcomers but all of the species were at some point. And we can't know that we're ready for something like this unless we try it out. And and if we're not ready there's no shame in admitting to that fact and asking for the other species help.” They paused for a moment, gathering the little bit of courage they had. Nihlus at least looked moderately pleased with their response so they forged on. “May I be frank, sir? What is this actually about? You don't send a Spectre on a simple check up mission like this.”

“You would be correct, I think it's time we told the Commander what's actually going on.” This time they weren't quite startled out of their skin but if people could stop sneaking up on them that'd be wonderful . The purple of his words told them it was Captain Anderson so they couldn't complain. As much.

“We're making a covert pickup on Eden Prime, that's why we need the stealth systems functional. A research team managed to unearth some kind of beacon, the most we know is that it's Prothean.” The Captain moved to stand next to Nihlus while he continued to speak, he however edged back just a minute amount. It was odd and.. definitely something to look into, especially with the change in subvocals. It sounded like when other mom would run into someone she didn't have the ah best relationship with.

“The last time humanity found something like this it launched our technology two hundred years forwards. But Eden Prime can't handle something like this so the Council is having us be the ones to take it back to their facilities.”

Nihlus cut in smoothly after him. “This of course goes beyond mere human interests, this could affect each and every species in citadel space.”

Of course all of this made sense and slowly the pieces were fitting together in why Nihlus was there but.. “Why didn't we keep it for ourselves? Humans on Eden Prime I mean.” Humans were selfish at times with their discoveries they knew, not all the time but enough it made them wonder.

“Most species see you as too unpredictable. Selfish, impatient and even dangerous. But sharing this with the Council would improve relations.”

“Besides we don't have the technology needed to handle something like this.”

“..there's still something you're not telling me, sir.”

Anderson and Nihlus shared one of Those looks, the kind mom and other mom would share when Zander was onto them and they didn't quite anticipate that happening at least not that fast.

“Nihlus wants to see you in action Commander, he's here to evaluate you as well.”

From the purple glow of his words they could tell that he was indeed saying them. But they had no idea what he was saying.

“We've been pushing for something like this for a long time, humanity wants a much larger role in shaping things on the citadel.” They didn't bother interjecting with 'we've only been here a few years’ and 'the other species don't have a seat yet please slow down’. But oh how they were thinking it. “The Spectres represent the Councils power and authority. With a human it'd show just how far we've come.”

“W-w-what. What exactly. Are you saying sir.” Their words didn't want to come out properly now, too tied up in what they thought was happening but they weren't sure. Surely this was a joke and they'd pull the rug from under them. ‘Oh you think you were going to be a Spectre? How arrogant are you Shepard? Do you even know how stupid that sounds?’

“Exactly what it sounds like, I put your name forward for Spectre candidacy.” His, Nihlus's , hand was on their shoulder, giving it a firm comforting squeeze for just a moment. It was very warm, almost hot actually, and they were fairly certain they were going to faint. Or throw up. Either one would be embarrassing and they would be one hundred percent grade A deceased with a capital D.

“What.” Well at least when he realized what a mess they were they could quit the Alliance to find a new job as a squeaky toy. “Y. You you put my name forward? Why?” If he mentions Akuze they would die, the situation was overwhelming enough they didn't need the reminder of.. that .

“Because not all turians resent humanity Commander, some of us can see the potential you have. And you in particular embody that potential and the traits we look for in a Spectre.” Vaguely they noticed Anderson had a Look about the not all turians comment, something to be pried into subtly later then. When they weren't making attempts at projecting themselves firmly out of their flesh vessel.  “..you remind me actually, just a bit of a Spectre I know. At any rate Eden Prime will be a test run, the first of many missions together.”

“I. Assume then that I don't get much of a say here? If my names already been put forward?”

“Humanity needs this Shepard, to push us forwards.” He looked so earnest, so proud, and they really truly wanted to be a Spectre but! But it was so much. They didn't deserve this, someone else should be the one becoming a Spectre, not a fuck up who got their entire squad killed and and.

Nihlus's hand was back on their shoulder, a firm weight that calmed their anxious vibrating for a moment. “The Captain is right; this would be a tremendous honor. But you don't have to do anything you don't wish to do Shepard. As I said this will be a test run, afterwards we can talk and you may choose if you wish to continue your candidacy or not. Neither of us will think any less of you for any decision you make.” This time his hand stayed on their shoulder. It took a moment but they nodded, looking back at the Captain with a shaky smile. This would be okay, things were going to be fine . They would hit them with the happy stick.

“Good, I know you can do it Shepard. You'll be leading the ground team to secure the beacon. Nihlus will of course be accompanying you to observe how you handle this.”

Alright, okay, just a simple get in and get out mission. They can do this. “Just say jump Captain.”

That got a smile and their nerves lessened even more. “We should be approaching Eden-”

“Captain! We have uh a problem, you'll want to see this sir. It's a transmission from Eden Prime” Oh and there were the nerves again. Damn it Joker.

“What is it?” The screens lit up with the sounds and sight of gunfire, the transmission itself grainy and shaky. Whoever took it was obviously in a hurry. There was a person in pink and white armor, they looked.. slightly familiar? Possibly?

The scene kept jumping and shaking, a person yelling about taking casualties which they could see, both their words in default black and the bodies that fell. Seeing it as much as they did never made it better. The transmission kept crackling, breaking up, the person died and blood spattered. Too much blood.

Camera shifted again and that noise . They could see out of their peripherals that Nihlus winced and they themselves pulled their head in their shoulders. It was loud, wrongly pitched and it hurt . For a too long minute the noise rang out until everything turned to static. That hurt as well but in it's own familiar way. “There's nothing after that sir, no response, just..dead air.”

Anderson was..troubled. Biting at his lip in the way he swore that he absolutely did not ever do. “Reverse, hold at 38.5.”

With the transmission rewound it settled on, on something. The screen itself was blurry but the thing was massive, gunmetal steel and blue lighting that could be seen even from that distance, with...what they would swear was tentacles. And arcs of electricity coming off of it in a blood red. Fitting for what it did.

The sharp clack of Nihlus's mandibles against his cheeks was the only sound in that long silence. A curious noise, one other mom made when the answer to something looked familiar but she didn't know how .

“Joker. ..Status report.”

“We're seventeen minutes out sir and there's no other Alliance vessels in the area.”

“Take us in, fast and quiet. Well Shepard looks like your job just got a lot more complicated.” That it did. How abso-fuckin-lutely wonderful .

Chapter Text

“Commander I swear I'll kick your ass if you don't give me that hat.” They could see the brotherly rage pouring off of him as they held the hat just barely out of his reach.

“Can you even reach my ass Joker?”

“You callin me short? Okay now I'm really gonna beat you, get me my crutches so I can murder you properly.” Standing was becoming a difficult thing to do as they wheezed out their laughs.

Eventually they dropped the hat back on his head and pulled down the brim. “Get, get back to work. Don't murder us.” He grumbled something under his breath and flipped them off, they just laughed harder as they left to get suited up the rest of the way and meet Anderson in the hold.

--------

They were worried, just a little bit, about having such a small team. But they supposed it made sense for infiltration purposes. (Didn't make them gnaw at their lips any less however.)

“Commander your team is the muscle here. Get in fast and get out faster with the beacon.” Easy, easy nice and easy.

“What about survivors Captain?”

“They're a secondary priority. Your main mission is the beacon.” Logically of course they knew that secondary didn't mean “not at all” but it didn't rub at them any less. Even if things were valuable a life didn't have a price tag on them.

No, no, simply beat the thoughts with the happy stick and continue with life. Good.

“Approaching the first drop point.”

The clack of metal on metal made their head snap to the side; Nihlus. The man lived in his armor (did he sleep in it? Probably.) so they had seen him suited up of course but now he seemed more..more like the images they had seen of him in holos, all grim determination and hardened steel sans blood.

It was intimidating to say the least.

“You're coming with us Spectre?”

“No. I move faster on my own.”

That. What. No . “Nihlus!” Oh fuck them and their mouth, he fixed that steely gaze on them and every bit of them tensed up. “It's. It's not safe, we don't know what's going on-”

“I'm just scouting ahead Shepard, I'll be fine. Besides I'm going to radio in with you often.” No, no, no, bad. Alarm bells were angrily pounding in their head but he- was gone. Fuck .

Their chest was tight with a mix of anxiety and sheer rage. You don't go without a crew. You don't go without at least one other person to cover your ass.

They were going to make sure he was okay.

For the express purpose of murdering him, bringing him back to life and murdering him again .

“... missions yours now Commander. Good luck.”

“Now approaching drop point two.” Yeah yeah everything would be fine. 110% fine.

-----

Everything was mostly certainly not fine. “Kaidan I'm gonna need you to remove my legs. It's for the best they suck anyway.” They always hated drop offs because of their knees and this time their nerves had made them stumble.

It fucking hurt . “Commander are you uh are you sure you should be doing this kinda thing?” The kid, Jenkins? yes Jenkins, was looking at them with a kinda adorably concerned look while Kaidan peeled them off the ground.

“Yeah I'm, I'm good kid don't worry bout it. I just misjudged a bit there but if it gets too bad we can call Anderson.” That was a lie Zander would sooner finish the mission with a pair of broken legs than admit that ‘oh yeah my body fucked up again please come save me grandpa'.

Jenkins did not look entirely convinced but at least he let it go for now. “Where to Commander?”

“...good question.” They had never been to Eden Prime before, seen plenty of pics sure but never been . A cursory scan of the surrounding area and, “That looks like a comm tower right? So if we head in that direction then then we should get somewhere .” Or end up horribly lost and eaten by whatever the hell was terrorizing everyone. Whichever came first.

“Its big enough to probably be the main one, and if there's any survivors they'd probably end up there as well...”

Two birds with one stone then. “Alright let's move out, keep an eye out for hostiles.” This mission was not going to go sideways so help them.

Affirmative nods from the other two and off they went towards the tower. Their knees were faintly protesting the fact that jogging is indeed a thing that existed but it was fine. Chakwas could bitch them out later.

“Oh what the hell are those ?” The things in question were...fleshy grocery bags with tentacles was the first thing that popped into their head.

“They're gas bags, totally harmless so long as you don't mess with them.” Ah well there went their plots of petting the floating grocery bags. That would be a rather amusing eulogy however 'Commander Shepard was so dumb they somehow got killed by a gas bag.’

“Fuckin weird is what they are…”

It was only a moment later that the comm crackled and “Shepard. There's hostiles in the area, stay alert.”

“Yeah..I can see that Nihlus.” They had just stumbled upon what they assumed was a pair of bodies, they were badly burnt and Zander wasn't sure they'd be able to ID them later. “ Shit .” People die Zan, just keep reminding yourself that, it ain't your fault.

With a nod to their men they unholstered their gun, “Looks like a good place for an ambush. Follow my lead and be careful .” People die but those two would not .

Up the hill, keeping close to the rocks for cover in case they didn't see something. Stop at the top, don't see anything. Something- no shit just a gas bag. They were jumpy and jumpy was never a good idea.

Flick of their wrist and Kaidan is moving...crouched behind an outcropping good. Move the kid forwards, he's doing great...wait something was- “Jenkins get down!”

Their biotics were an extension of them and it was reflex that had them Throwing the poor kid out of the way. (Oh they'd have to apologise later that had to hurt.) But there was a smoking crater where he would have been and shit where the fuck did the bots come from? They were certain they weren't there a second ago.

The bots in question were tiny little assholes who were very fucking good at dodging their shots. “Shit are these geth drones?”

“They're assholes Kaidan they're assholes and I hate them!” One went down in a fireworks display of sparks and metal. “Oh good to see you're not dead Jenkins.” A second down as Kaidan wore down it's defense.

The last Shepard took out their rage on by slamming it into the ground as hard as possible. Fucker couldn't avoid biotics that damn easily. “Not gonna lie Commander I feel a little dead. I didn't realize you were a biotic.”

They had scuttled over to check on the kid the moment the last one exploded into bits of metal and at that they gave a lil shrug. “Eh it never came up….okay looks like the most damage is that your helmet got a bit cracked in the back. And I assume you're gonna be bruised to to shit and back later. But you're not a hole in the ground or riddled in holes so that's a plus.”

“It'd still be good to check in with Chakwas afterwards.” Ah there was Kaidan being ever responsible, good man.

“Yeah, better make sure I didn't break anything that you're not feeling yet. You can walk okay?” An affirmative nod and they tugged him up to his feet. “We're better prepared now that we know they're here, but don't get cocky.”

“Shepard I found some burned buildings here, lots of bodies.” Nihlus's voice was back in their ear. “I'm going to check it out, meet you up at the dug site.”

“Will do, be safe Kryik. You heard him let's go find that damn site.”

-------

Eden Prime was a beautiful lush landscape but the current visitors were oh so very determined to brutally murder them.

“Shit shit shitshit I fucking hate the geth, Jenkins are you aware that I hate them?”

“Considering the fact you've taught me words I didn't know existed Commander yeah I'd say I know.” The drones were determined little bastards and there were so. So many of them. Zander swore that every time they took out one of the assholes another two would pop up in their place like a fucked up Hydra.

“Don't tell your mother about the words I've taught you. Alright... now .” There was a long enough lull in their advances the trio could dart forwards, sliding behind the next outcropping of rocks before a couple more appeared to open fire. “Where the fuck are they coming from?”

“Down there!”

“Down? Oh hell .” There was a person in armor running back towards them, the person they had seen on the footage in the pink and white armor.

There were also fully sized geth down there impaling people on metal spikes. They were rooted to the spot as they watched the man struggle for only a moment before growing still. “What the fuck- oh shit .” It was only once they realized the geth had spotted them that they were startled back into movement.

There was no way to save the people that had already died but damn them if they could at least save a few .

The larger geth were slower moving which meant much easier to hit, but also much more resilient to being hit.

Nothing it would seem however was resilient to having a spike of biotic energy thrust through it's chest. Oh they would feel the tiredness later, they were already starting to feel the muscle aches coming on.  

“Thanks Commander I thought I wasn't going to make it out of there.” Oh yes that's why they darted down there, the person who sounded absolutely out of breath. “Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams of the 212. You the one in charge here sir?” Oh, oh . Their grandfather would have a fit knowing who they just saved.

“You injured Williams? You're sure as hell not sounding too great.”

“Just. Just a few scrapes and burns. The others...they weren't that lucky.” She avoided looking at them for that last part, they'd have to keep an eye on her. “We were uh were patrolling the perimeter when they hit us. Tried to fire off a distress call but they cut off communication, I've been fighting those things ever since.”

“ Shit Williams it's a wonder you're not dead. Especially fighting against geth if that's what they are. Sure as hell looks like it.”

“They haven't been outside the veil in over 200 years, why would they come out now ?”

“They must have come for the Beacon.” In all the commotion they had quite frankly forgotten that the Beacon existed . “It should be up at the digsite just over there, I can take you there.”

“...you sure you're okay to come with us Williams?”

“Yes sir, it's time for some payback.” They were still going to keep an eye on her to make sure she didn't keel over and die but they could use the extra hands.

“Alright let's move out.”

Everything had been going wrong on this mission til then so surely the universe would give them a break right? Right?

Chapter Text

This was not correct and Zander should have known to not tempt the universe into paying attention to them.

The digsite had been swarming with geth and one of the assholes got them in their semi good leg. They were still fully capable of walking but shit they were gonna feel that fully later. And to top off the list of stupid bullshit: the Beacon had been moved. Fuck.

“If our guys took it it'll be up at the research camp just above these ramps. That's also a likely place for survivors to be hiding out.”

“Yknow if it wasn't for survivors I'd be saying we book it now.”

“Commander!”

“Tell me you're not thinking the same thing Jenkins, this geth fuckery is starting to be a lil much.” Was that a little rude on their part? Perhaps. Was it true? Also perhaps.

“Commander there's been a change of plans.” As if there hadn't been plenty of those. “There's a small spaceport ahead, I'll meet you there.”

“Got it. You said the camps just up here? Spaceports just a bit after that right?” A nod from Williams and they smiled a bit. “Alright, we'll scope the camp for survivors and meet up with Nihlus at the port.”

The digsite had luckily been situated basically in the damn camp so it wasn't a terribly hard climb, their knees still protested it's existence however. Vaguely they heard Williams ask about Nihlus, hopefully it wouldn't become an issue and if it did they'd sort it out.

They did not have time to fully ponder how they'd resolve potential “Ashley Williams trying to go toe to toe with Nihlus for justified reasons” however because there were more of the metal spikes that had people impaled on them. “Gods blood that's horrifying…”

“Are they still alive ?”

“What-? Oh fuck !” The rods descended at an alarming rate and showed that the humans were indeed still alive. Although with how they looked Zander wasn't certain they counted as human per se anymore.

They were snarling husks of their old selves, neon blue wiring writhing under their skin though every part of them and they did not want to go down easily. One of the faster ones bodily threw itself at them and they just barely managed to hold the thing back from tearing into their throat.

This is how I go, as a victim of a shitty sci find zombie cliche.

But that would not be them today, because the next second the husks head exploded right next to their face. Disgusting. “Gods are you okay Commander?”

“Yeah I'm uh I'm fine Jenkins.” The body was easily enough shoved off them and they hastily scrubbed the worst of the gore off their visor. Horrible, horrific. “What happened to them…”

No, no time to think on that now was the time to look for survivors. “Hey Commander this doors locked! Someone's probably inside.”

Oh they hoped so. The day had been going to shit enough as it was they needed some kind of win here. As they worked on the door they could hear the others talking about the...people.

“... must take a few hours for them to do. That . They're the only ones we've encountered so far.”

“But why? What would the geth be doing this for?” Why indeed…

It didn't take long for the security to disengage and they made a mental note to thank their uncle for teaching them to pop open locks like that. Admittedly it wasn't for good nor legal reasons but it was fine.

“What-! Oh, oh goodness humans! Thank the Maker..” Inside the building were two scientists, looking extremely exhausted and more than a little stressed.

“Quickly! The door, before they come back .”

It was a split second decision that head them pop their head out briefly, “Hey! I found survivors. One of ems pretty rattled, search for the others while I close the door.”

“You sure Shepard?”

“Yes I'll be fine now go on.” It took Kaidan a moment before he nodded and they slid the door shut behind them. “Don't worry you're safe now.”

“Oh thank you, I'm Dr.Warren this is Dr.Manuel. We're the lead scientists on the research behind the beacon.”

“Do you know what happened to it? We went to the digsite and it was gone.”

“Yes it was moved just before...everything happened. Up to the spaceport nearby for transport. We stayed behind to help clean up the camp and when the attack happened the Marines stayed behind, they saved us-”

“No! No one is saved!” The sudden cut in startled Zander and made them flinch back just a touch. “The age of humanity is ended, soon only ruins and corpses will remain. You've seen it too!”

“Manuel! I'm so sorry he hasn't taken his meds..”

Ah well that they understood. “Don't worry about it. Manuel right?” He was twitchy and anxious, tugging at his sleeves and ducking down his head. “Here why don't you lay down a bit. Seein stuff right?” Jerky head nods at that but he allowed them to carefully lead him to the nearby cot. “Stress makes it all the worse I know. But we'll keep you safe that I can promise.”

He didn't look like he believed them and honestly? They weren't too sure themselves. Everything was going sideways in ridiculous ways. They knew the first rule when dealing with delusions was to not validate them (easier when done with not their own brain) but shit . Something was bugging them about the whole thing.

“Said the space port is just ahead right?”

“That's right Commander, and thank you. We were so worried…”

“Hey its what I do. Just stay here until someone comes and gets you? Things are still….looking weird.” She nodded and they gave her back a slightly strained smile before leaving the building.

“Williams!” Where was...ah there she was. “You know where the space port is? We're heading there.”

“Just up this ridge Commander!” They decided then that they hated Eden Prime just for the amount of things that went uphill.

But up there was the space port and Nihlus. Everything was going haywire to hell and back but Nihlus was a Spectre so things should be okay.

Then they heard the gunshot.

“ Nihlus!”

Chapter Text

This was one of those kinds of missions, the ones where everything seemed to be just getting worse and worse.

He had assumed (no he had hoped) that it was mercenaries with some new and terrible technology, but the place was swarming with Geth. What were they doing here outside the veil? They hid in there for a reason.

“Commander there's been a change of plans. There's a small spaceport ahead, I'll meet you there.” He stood from his crouch and flicked off the comm without waiting for a reply, Shepard's records indicated some... issues with authority figures but he knew they'd come find him.

Shepard had been marked as a troublemaker and ruthless so he was curious about what exactly they did that got them marked as such. Turns out they had a tendency to disobey direct orders if they thought the outcome wasn't going to be ideal. The ruthless part? Shepard ended up shooting slavers point blank even after they had surrendered.

Yeah. They reminded him of his younger days and a bit of Saren. Oh don't let him hear that, you're not gonna live it down.

Nihlus allowed his mandibles to flare out in a little grin before getting back to business. The space port was just up ahead and- shit was that a geth?

Get behind the boxes, draw your gun, turn out weapon out- oh!

The shotgun dropped as he blinked in surprise, subvocals wavering questioning-pleased-relaxed . “Saren?” He hadn't seen him in some time and oh what a welcome sight he was. It was. Rather odd though he didn't remember him having that particular arm...

“Nihlus…” Saren turned and gave him that little crooked smile he did, like he wasn't ever really sure what to do with his face. Concerns be damned he knew that smile, it couldn't be anyone else.

“What are you doing here Saren? This isn't your mission.”

Saren was doing that thing he did, where he practically sauntered over to Nihlus and would absolutely deny ever doing so. ‘I would never flirt on a mission Nihlus it's not... appropriate .’ Liar .

He grabbed his shoulder and squeezed for just a moment, just a friendly little touch nothing flirty going on here no siree, while it was taking all of Nihlus's willpower to not grab his waist and pull him in for a proper hello. As it was he had to pull his hand back part way from the motion. “The Council thought you could use some... help on this one.”

The Council-? Oh what an ass . He snorted and just shook his head at the lighthearted tease, leave it to Saren to say he couldn't handle a fetch mission. “I wasn't expecting to find the geth here….the situations bad.”

Saren was behind him while he scanned out over the camp below for Shepard and their crew. Any other person would have him getting twitchy but it was Saren, there was no one he was more safe with. “Don't worry, I've got the situation all under control.”

“What does that- nn!”

He had turned slightly when he spoke and Saren.. shot him? His shoulder was bleeding where the bullet went through and his mandibles were flared out in shock as he looked at him. Saren had the strangest look on his face as Nihlus's mind raced with questions of what did I do? What did he do? What the fuck just happened?

-----

That. Was not supposed to happen.

The Reaper was...displeased when Nihlus had appeared out of the blue, screaming for him to kill him but no he would not. That was Nihlus that was his. His... him . Nihlus .

It had taken control of his body (when did it learn to do that? Spirits how much could, would it do to him?) and attempted to force him to shoot him. But. He turned and Saren had regained a moment of control to jerk his arm and now he was alive .

But he was looking at him with such hurt and betrayal that he almost wasn't sure this was the better outcome. “S-saren?” Oh Spirits his voice . Nihlus wasn't supposed to sound like that, he wasn't. He wasn't supposed to be afraid of him never afraid .

(“I won't hurt you, you don't ever have to worry about coming to me because I. I love you.”)

“Saren why-” He was shaking, vibrating so hard he lost his grip on that damned gun.

He knows too much, he'll find out more, take care of him! It's voice was screaming in his head, talons scraping down a chalkboard and he felt beyond sick. But.

But it didn't say to kill him that time. “Nihlus I'm. So sorry.” Nihlus may have had a good almost two feet on him but he still always had a hard time taking him, and he knew that injured would be even harder on him.

So Saren threw himself at Nihlus and cringed as his head slammed into the ground. He looked mildly dazed and still in shock from the sudden backstabbing but it wasn't enough. Just knock him unconscious and run.

The moment his hands wrapped around his throat was the moment that Nihlus registered that something was wrong and struggled to get away, claws scrabbling at his hands but.

But Saren was a biotic and it was far too easy to use that to hold him still, squeeze harder but he has to be careful careful or he'll kill him and he. He can't do that.

-------

He couldn't breathe. His head hurt and his shoulder was in agony and he couldn't breathe .

Saren was sitting on his chest, tiny little Saren that he could pick up by his cowl had him pinned to the ground, the familiar tingle of biotics that he could feel in his teeth informing him that was helping matters.

Oh and his hands were currently wrapped around his throat. That was... definitely a problem.

But he couldn't move, couldn't get away and everything was...starting to feel numb...blurry.

He thought he heard Saren's voice, thought he heard the distressed little keens he made...he wanted to comfort him because that's what he does when Saren is upset but…

….it was so hard to move... maybe he could just...close his eyes...for a second….just a second …yeah saren will….keep an eye on me...

-----

He couldn't stop shaking. Nihlus let out a ragged reflexive breath when he finally let him go and oh Spirits there were bruises on his neck. His hand prints were on Nihlus's fucking throat .

He heard himself keen broken and distraught as a litany of I'm sorry, I’m so sorry, please forgive me, fell from his lips like prayer. He promised Nihlus he would never hurt him and what did that thing make him do?

But distantly he heard the sound of running and yelling. He needed to leave but Nihlus- Nihlus was hurt he hurt Nihlus.

He won't forgive you for this, get out of there. There's nothing for you here now. But Nihlus- Get out! Run!

He only had a moment to press a shaky kiss to his temple before it made him flee.

Oh Spirits what have I done. Forgive me.

Chapter Text

good evening nyall I have been putting off making a formal announcement because i have chronic stupid bitch syndrome a case of the brain worms bc god had to curse me by making me mentally ill or id be far far too sexy 

the tldr version is as you can see this is Not in fact a chapter update unfortunately but Is me letting y'all know i am actually in the process of reworking this story and Actually Sitting Down Planning And Taking My God Damn Time instead of slapping out words as fast as possible bc im convinced if i don't do it in one sitting It Will Never Happen (turns out.... CPTSD...............makes you act like a fool bc of an inability to think too hard about the future which yanno. good to know Now)

i just wanted to let y'all know Here instead of deleting the fic all together and having questions of wtf is up with That in case anyone is subscribed and or just happens to occasionally look at this silly lil fic 

however ! in the meantime i feel like my writing has improved somewhat <3 so yay for that. the new fic will be posted under presumably the same name or maybe ill think of a slightly better one? regardless <3 if you have any questions/comments/want to see me just say Nonsense i can be found on my tumblr under the same account name ! 

i don't have a date planned for the rerelease of the fic But i do already have several chapters written and once i do a little more ill start releasing them so i can have a bit of a comfortable pace for my silly little brain